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S11E03 – To Kill A Legend

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Some dude is being bumped off in a burning antiques shop/factory in London, but never mind that because it’s Joshua Peabody Day in Cabot Cove.

The Fletchmobile is out, you know it’s serious.

For reasons known only to themselves, a documentary film crew have decided to make a film about Joshua Peabody, and they’ve brought out the big guns

It’s a crack cast of filmmakers to be sure

As Cabot Cove’s most famous and always correct resident, JB is narrating the documentary and delivering it flawlessly. The director, Richard Hawkes (aka Jeffrey Nordling) wants to include a music box as part of a transition sequence, but it’s not working. Jessica suggests the Godfreys antique shop in town as a place that could get it fixed.

Thomas Godfrey gets to work on repairing the music box while his wife Nancy (aka April O’Neil from the original Ninja Turtles) tells Seth that his costume 100% absolutely was shrunk after a flood and that’s why it doesn’t fit properly. She also tells JB that her drawers have arrived – JB is delighted but notices with her keen powers of observation that the handles don’t match. Nancy apologises profusely and swears she will get that fixed post haste.

Thomas declares he’s found the reason for the faulty music box – it’s a piece of paper jammed in the mechanism. Jess unfolds the page and discovers it’s a letter to Joshua Peabody (who died in Cabot Cove possibly) from George Washington accusing him of treason and ordering him to stand trial.

Seth is unsurprised and says the way the world is going these days it doesn’t surprise him that another hero has been shot down in flames.

Never dedicate a day to your heroes. Except for Tom Hanks. There should be a Tom Hanks Day.

Armed with this Startling Revelation, Jessica goes to see the last descendants of Joshua Peabody, Edith Peabody and her daughter Louise. Louise doesn’t seem too shaken either, but Edith is having none of it.

Edith is not going to stand for this outrage.

Edith insists the letter is a hoax and must be destroyed, but Jessica insists that either way it needs to be examined at the university lab.

Edith is becoming my favourite person in this episode

Over at the Godfrey’s antique store, it’s clear that there’s trouble in paradise – Thomas is pissed at Nancy for stuffing up their best client’s order when they are so close to losing everything, and Nancy is pissed that Thomas blew what money they had on advertising for Joshua Peabody Day. Nancy storms off, just as a creepy British dude (who watched the burning building in London, spoilers) wanders in to ask about Dutch colonial pieces of which the Godfrey’s have none.

Dutch colonial pieces is almost definitely code for meth.

Early results are in on the incriminating letter, and Dr Roy Blakely informs Jess, Mort and Seth that at the moment the document looks real but tests will confirm it. Mort worries about what this will do to local tourism, but Jess finds it odd that the letter was even kept, considering the home team won the Battle of Cabot Cove, where Joshua Peabody died.  Word of the letter has reached the film crew office too, and while the producer Frederick Chiltern Bob Kendall and the director of photography Amelia Farnum are adamant the documentary needs to be about the discovery, Richard Hawkes is not interested until the letter is proven real or fake and ends the discussion by taking Louise Peabody out to dinner.

Back at the Sheriff’s office, Edith has turned up demanding to know why no one has been arrested for planting the letter. Mort tells her there’s no evidence of a break-in at Peabody House.

Edith is going rogue in 3…2…1…

 

The news doesn’t get any better for Edith, as JB and Seth wander in to inform them that according to the lab the paper and ink are a match for two hundred years old. They can’t prove it’s a fake, even if it’s a good one. Edith blames Jessica entirely for everything ever.

The next morning Edith yells at everyone while removing a noose and a traitor sign from the statue of Joshua Peabody. Tourism might be down in the Cove but every journalist within radius has turned up to talk about the letter. Louise wants to talk to Nancy Godfrey about the uniforms but Nancy declares she will speak to Richard Hawke herself and would prefer Nancy didn’t get in the way.

Apparently, he was in an episode of Press Gang, which is a sign from the universe I need to rewatch Press Gang for the eleven billionth time.

The reenactment begins and goes off without a hitch, except for a rearing horse nearly trampling Scott the sound guy, and Richard having a tantrum and calling a wrap on the day when the soldiers start lecturing him on musket assembly. That night, a smug Bob Kendall tells Richard he’s out and Amelia will direct the documentary.

The next day Jessica receives a Massive Plot Point from Scott the sound guy to do with how they record sound for the documentary.

(Me being mansplained).

Later, Edith pops around House Fletcher to apologise for blaming Jess for everything, but immediately takes it all back when Mort shows up to announce that the paper used in the letter was also 200 years old. That night, CBG watches Edith come out of the production office and disappear into the shadows.

Back at house Fletcher Mort and Seth have dropped in for a cup of coffee and to complain about the new director, when Seth suddenly gives JB an idea about the letter and Mort gets a phone call from Deputy Andy. The production office is on fire and Amelia Farnum is dead. Scott the sound guy is the only member of the production crew on the scene, and he hasn’t seen Louise, Bob or Richard for a while. He mentions to Mort that there’s a missing prop gun, which might well be the thing used to clock Amelia over the head.

The next day CBG bumps into Richard Hawkes and tells him he’s worked out the whole deal – how a small-time director is about to make it big with a historical detective story when he’s bumped from the project, only to be reinstated when the new director turns up dead. Meanwhile, the Godfreys deliver JB’s drawers to her and she gets a phone call from the Prof down at the lab.

Over at the production office, Richard is announcing that the focus of the documentary is going to change to the Washington Letter when JB rolls in to announce the letter is a very clever forgery. Everyone is stunned, Bob is quick to blame the whole thing on Richard but Mort says they just don’t know enough yet. Mort gets a call from Andy who has tracked down CBG and is bringing him to the sheriff’s office. The CBG turns out to be an infamous forger according to Interpol, and Mort would like to hear what he’s doing in town.  CBG turns out to be the actual author of the fake letter, hired by a guy in London called Alexander Sandsby (the aforementioned dude who got bumped off at the beginning). When he saw Alexander had been murdered, CBG thought there might be some money in it for him so did some digging and ended up in Cabot Cove. He still doesn’t know who hired Sandsby, but does know who he saw the night of the murder – Edith Peabody. Edith later confirms she went to see Amelia to beg her not to use the letter but didn’t get anywhere and left in a huff. Deputy Andy finds the missing gun in her car and Mort has no choice but to hold her on suspicion.

Mort and Seth seem to be content that Edith is guilty, but the end of a roll of paper towel gives Jess an idea, and they go back to the production office for a look. Scott confirms there’s some missing audio that he can’t find anywhere.

A short sting operation later and all is revealed…

That is not cowabunga.

It’s the same old story. Nancy fell in love with Richard somewhere, they started having a Thing, they hatched the plot together, their conversation about it got recorded, Amelia found out and so it goes.

Later Fletcherfans

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S10E21 – Wheel of Death

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Disclaimer: normally I watch the episode once before I do this, but not this time! Will it make more or less sense than usual? Who knows!

 

We’re back in the Cove Fletcherfans and the carnival is in town! Nothing says Scooby Doo murder like a carnival! Especially a carnival in financial difficulty, which apparently this one is. The show manager Joanna Simms begs help from the co-owner Carl Dormer but he’s too busy being a magician to go get the permits.

Meanwhile, Seth is grumping Jessica into hurrying up so they can get to the carnival but Jess has just discovered she’s been burgled. While she’s sad about the loss of her jewellery, she thinks it’s ironic that she comes home from the crime capital of the universe to discover she’s been broken into.

It turns out Cabot Cove is having its own crime wave (again) as Jean O’Neill is down at the Sheriff’s office reporting the theft of her good crystal and her mother’s silver tea set while she was out walking the dog. Mort is taking it all down when Joanna walks into the office to get the permits for the carnival and he nearly passes out. It would appear that they had a Thing twenty years ago. Jean is somewhat miffed the focus has been taken off her good crystal but Deputy Andy is there to save the day and goes to investigate the case of the missing crystal.

Mort offers Joanna a cup of coffee and it is revealed that they were at college together before Joanna ran off with star footballer Don Sims, who was picked up by the LA Rams, blew a knee and was never heard from again. Until right now when he bursts into the office, demands Joanna hurry up, laughs at Mort and suggests he lead them all in the college song.

“Don’t hate me.” Says Joanna as she follows Don out of the office. Fun fact, people who say that almost always deserve hatred.

EVERY EMOTION SIMULTANEOUSLY ON MORT’S FACE. All that’s missing is the dramatic finger bite. You know what I mean.

Over at the carnival, a shady character is keeping an eye on Carl as he gets the receipts from the previous day’s takings at the ticket booth. He goes to follow Carl as he leaves but then makes himself scarce when JB and Seth turn up wanting to discuss the previous day’s takings. Carl shows them but warns it’s not good news. Jess and Seth are surprised, the crowds the previous night indicated that they were rolling in the money but Carl just shrugs and says the crowd might have been there but they weren’t spending. He departs to get ready for his show, and Jess goes to look around while Seth ensconces himself in one of the sideshows and starts drumming up business. The shady character sidles up to a juggler and says he lost Carl. The juggler tells him Carl will be in his trailer. The shady guy tells him to get the books if the juggler is still in.

Back at the ticket office one of the girls goes on break, leaving the other, Lisa, to flirt with Toby the carnival roustabout who departs just as JB sidles up.

Yeah she does

Some dude called Richard cuts JB off to announce that the carnival called him to order more hotdogs, they’d underestimated the supply, and to show his gratitude he wants to buy a hundred bucks worth of tickets. He’ll come back and pick them up when he picks Lisa up to see the magic show (which appears to be news to Lisa). JB is astounded and asks Lisa if she has a copy of the previous day’s takings for her. Lisa tells her Carl said it wasn’t necessary to make a copy but she spilt soda on the first copy and she still has it. Jess reads it over and is not happy with what she sees.

If this was the Mystery Gang obviously JB would be Velma but I think it gets harder after that. Except Grady is Scrappy Doo, obviously.

Mort runs into Joanna again, who asks him if he ever thinks about college, and he tells her not really. She does, and she thinks she really screwed up. Mort thinks everyone makes choices but is then called to a kerfuffle at one of the sideshows where Don Simms is trying to confiscate the prizes from a group of kids because they didn’t knock the bottles off the table, they only knocked them over. Seth wants him arrested for being shady but Mort just tells the kids to take their prizes and play somewhere else. Joanna tells him to close the stand down, his shenanigans aren’t going to play in Cabot Cove. Don thinks she clearly should have married Mort.

Dramarama

Lisa goes on break and finds Toby flexing his muscles on the strength tester. Apparently, he hates his job but is taking a year off between high school and college to save money for school.

He must be from Beverly Hills, everyone who lives there ages really quickly according to television

Unfortunately for Hot Toby, he has set the strength tester up outside Carl’s trailer and the noise drives him to come out and start abusing him. Toby swears he set it up as per his instructions but Carl drags him away, leaving the juggler to sneak into his trailer while Joanna looks on.

Back at House Fletcher Mort is investigating the break-in. There’s been a few of them and they’ve all been well timed. Townsfolk are blaming the carnival but it’s only been in town for two days.

Mort asks JB if she has a torch and a magnifying glass.

(Everyone knows this is a Holmes/Lestrade situation. Seth is Watson with a hangover)

Mort spots some scratches on the kitchen door that weren’t made with a key. He promises to put the word out about the stolen items, to go with the other antiques that have been pinched, and offers JB a lift back to the carnival.

Speaking of which, Joanna confronts the juggler (whose name is apparently Nicky) when she finds him going through the desk drawers. He swears it’s not what it looks like, and is backed up his fiancee/assistant Carmen who bursts in to see if he’s found her engagement ring that very specifically fell off in one of the drawers when she was meeting with Carl. She spots it under the desk and the pair of them leave. Joanna isn’t buying Carmen’s stunt for a minute but Carmen swears she knows nothing.

JB drags Seth to the magic show under great protest – he’d rather just get Mort to arrest Carl for skimming the take but JB doesn’t want to disappoint the people who want to see his show. As Joanna is about to enter the tent Don grabs her and tells her to convince Carl to retire so they can take over. She thinks he should quit drinking, he thinks she should be more supportive. You know, that old chestnut.

As the show starts Carl requires two volunteers from the audience. Joanna drags Richard the supermarket guy up on stage and eventually gets Seth up when Jess convinces the audience to buy another ticket to see Seth do it. The show begins and Carl cheerfully nicks things out of their pockets while the crowd laughs. “Are you giving your girlfriend a sausage necklace?” Carl asks Richard as I spray tea out my nose.

Seth’s audition for the Full Monty did not go according to plan.

After the show, Richard storms out fuming. Lisa bumps into Toby and arranges to meet him after the carnival closes that night. When she arrives, she sees Carl fighting with a shadowy figure who stabs him. Lisa runs away, then Carmen appears and starts screaming as the rides start to come on and Carl’s body takes a cruise in the Whirlwind.

Say it with me. ALL CARNIVALS ARE HAUNTED. Also abandoned theme parks.

Mort gets called to the scene early the next morning and quickly works to stop the carnival from leaving town. Seth tells him Carl was stabbed and then placed in the ride. Joanna pops up to say that Carls’ trailer has been broken into. She didn’t know anything, she just heard the Whirlwind music. Apparently, Don slept through the whole thing, classic Don. Mort thinks it’s suspicious but Joanna swears Don didn’t have a motive (except he did, now Carl’s dead they can take over the carnival. She tells Mort about Nicky breaking into the trailer – Mort asks her why she didn’t mention it sooner but she says Nicky’s a good kid she didn’t want him to get in trouble.

Only if it was between her and him, Mort says. BURN. Nicky gets brought down to the Sheriff’s office but he says he swore on a Gideon bible, he can’t talk about it but he didn’t kill Carl. Oh alright then.

Down at the carnival, Carmen tells JB that she saw Nicky talking to a man in a grey suit but she doesn’t know who or why. She couldn’t tell who the woman was she saw running away but she doesn’t think it was Joanna Simms.

Back at the Sheriff’s office Deputy Andy proudly marches The Man In Grey in to see Mort. They found him down at the Lighthouse Motel, Jessica’s theory about the Gideon bible paid off. The man frowns when Nicky appears and swears he didn’t say a word but is alarmed when he hears of the murder. Mort is about to arrest him for pissing him off when the man suggests they swap identification.

Port Mort’s having a bit of a time.

Over at the carnival Jess runs into Toby who tells her he’s been trying to speak to Lisa all day but she said she’d call the police if he didn’t leave her alone. They were supposed to meet at 11:30 the night before but she didn’t show. JB asks where they were meant to meet and Toby’s face drops as he says the Whirlwind. Jess needs to get into town but Toby doesn’t have a car. They spot Don Simms with his car (and suitcase on the roof) but he just hightails it out of there. Later Mort arrives and arrests Joanna for conspiracy to commit murder. Joanna thinks it’s because she walked out on him all those years earlier.

Mort goes to consult Jessica, who thinks Don pinched the books and fled but didn’t necessarily kill Carl or break into the trailer. Seth brings Lisa around for reasons I didn’t understand until Jessica directs her to the kitchen where Toby’s waiting with cookies and an apology. Naww. You go Hot Toby.

Back at work, Mort confronts Joanna in the cells but she says she didn’t kill Carl and neither did Don. She knew that Carl was embezzling money but she didn’t know who else was involved. She thinks Don ran because he thought Mort would throw him in jail as payback for what happened at college. Geniuses. Mort tells her none of this is to do with that and that if she hadn’t left him he would never have met Adele, the love of his life. Deputy Andy pops up to announce they found Don. They bring him in but all he says is that he stole the books to stop them from arresting Joanna. As they tearfully reunite Mort helpfully reminds them they are still under arrest.

Back at home Jess still doesn’t think the Simms were involved. Seth bellyaching about a hangnail gives her an idea and they depart for the wake of Carl Dormer.

Thanks to a bit of dramatic flair by the carnie crew, the killer is outed.

I called it. In my head.

Richard. Richard, Richard Richard. You shouldn’t have kept your cat burglar tools on you at a magic show where anyone might grab them and work out you’re the local cat burglar and blackmail you.

Holy crap you guys. That’s the end of season 10. There are now officially only 45 episodes left.

Don’t panic.

Later gang.

S10E18 -The Trouble With Seth

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A long time ago in a galaxy called Boston in the 1970s, Julian Crane a man witnesses a murder. This will become relevant later.

Meanwhile, in 90s Cabot Cove, Jessica is updating her computer much to Seth’s chagrin – he has no time for cd wotsits and mega whatevers. (Now imagine Seth finding out what a Kardashian is. You’re welcome.) In the cafe, Ivy Crane a woman sits taking notes and drinking coffee while Fake Tommy Lee Jones wanders over for a chat.

Oh Passions. What a batshit crazy show you were.

Fake TLJ asks the coffee guy for a light.

LOOK AT HIM

Timmy Jimmy, as he is known for the purposes of this episode, notices an old newspaper article with Julian Crane’s face on it but he’s referred to as Stanley Barton. Not TLJ (or for fact based purposes, Leo) tells Ivy Crane Julia that she’s not doing anything without him, she needs him to ID Stanley. He orders her to keep in touch and tells her where he’s staying.

Down at the computer store JB is getting her gaming rig set up probably while the proprietor Julian Crane Evan Rafferty/Stanley Barton is a bit stressed out. Someone is doing a credit check on him looking for information, and Evan/Stanley recognises the name. It’s enough to get him all cross and yelly at his employees Neil Kraus and Connie Anderson. Seth asks Evan/Stanley if they are still on for their fishing trip in the morning and he tells Seth he’s not sure and storms into his office. Connie tells JB her new computer will be ready at the end of the day and JB hopes that Evan’s mood improves. As JB and Seth leave, Julia arrives for her meeting with Evan.

Over at the coffee shop, Jimmy pours coffee for his mother, who it turns out is marrying Evan/Stanley in less than a month. She is worried about his mood. Jimmy doesn’t mention the newspaper article and just tells her he doesn’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do for his sake. She laughs and tells him not to flatter himself.

Later that day Seth gives Mort a check-up and pronounces him fitter than a 1955 dollar. That’s pretty fit you guys. Mort asks Seth if he’s seen the prowler everyone’s been talking about and Seth thinks he has and gives a description that 100% does not match any of the other descriptions Mort’s had. Mort shrugs, tells Seth to give him a call if he sees the prowler again and goes on his merry way. Seth’s next patient wanders in – it’s Leo who apparently has a sore throat.

Back at Cabot Cove Digital, Julia’s meeting with Evan/Stanley has been delayed while he has a fight with his son Will who wants to buy a fishing boat and not go into the high stakes world of computer sales. Julia sees an opportunity and makes eyes at Will as he storms out. Her meeting with Evan/Stanley doesn’t go well either – he sees through her disguises as a property developer wanting to buy his house and tells her it’s not for sale.

Lunchtime rolls around and Neal and Connie spot Leo loitering around the computer shop, while JB sings to her typewriter.

The love is strong

Mort finishes his coffee and departs to chase the prowler, last seen hanging out outside Cabot Cove Digital, while at another of Cabot Cove’s eleven million cafes Will and Julia have coffee. Apparently, Julia has offered to bankroll Will’s foray into the world of high stakes fishing, all Will has to do is give her more info on his Dad’s life before they moved to Cabot Cove. Will doesn’t know much, he was 4 at the time and his Dad worked on a pipeline somewhere for 12 months.

Over at house Fletcher that night Mort is back to help JB set up her new computer when Jess gets a weird message on her answering machine from Seth. She’s worried, Mort’s worried and then they discover that Seth’s phone is off the hook. They jet on over to Seth’s office and find evidence of a struggle, some blood and drag marks but no Seth and no Seth’s car.

The next morning Mort updates JB on the case, and it’s all bad news. There’s no trace of Seth or his car, and the blood they found matches his blood type. Jess doesn’t understand why there’s not been a ransom demand. Meanwhile, Julia’s still on a quest to find out more info on Evan/Stanley, this time from the soon to be Mrs Evan/Stanley, but gets shot down when her questions tend to focus on his past and not Will’s loan application. Later, Julia finds Will and tells him her company are happy to do business with him, she just has a few more questions. Will offers homemade linguini at his place for dinner, he’ll answer everything then.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Deputy Andy is doing a composite sketch on the computer for JB to look at because that’s how that works now. Jessica makes some alterations because she’s always right in everything, and voila – the prowler is Leo aka Fake TLJ. They head over to the Lighthouse Inn where he’s been staying but there’s no sign of him. They do however run into Jimmy, who has heard about Seth’s mysterious disappearance. Jess asks him if he’s seen Leo, but he tells her no and rides off. Jess knows he’s lying but has no idea why. (Jimmy goes to find Evan/Stanley, now sporting a black eye and demands an explanation. Evan tells him he might be going away for a long time, and to stay out of it.)

Julia tries her luck calling JB to get information about Evan/Stanley, but JB has no time for that. Mort pops around to tell her what he’s learned about Leo (just got out of jail for second-degree murder, shady character) when Andy calls Mort with some bad news – some hikers just found a body in the woods. They go to investigate and find a body on the ground, and a rustling in the trees…

Classic Seth

The dead body, for those playing along at home, is Leo the professional, whom Seth recognises as the man who came to see him with a sore throat. “Must have been worse than I thought.” Says Seth.

Nothing like everyone thinking you’re dead to bring out the humour

Over at Cabot Cove Digital, Evan/Stanley is making plans for his imminent departure and tells Connie the business is hers. His fiance pops in wanting to know what’s going on, and he tells her his past has caught up with him. Jess helps Seth clean up his office and notices someone has been going through the patient files.  That night, Will makes some linguini for Julia, who finds the proof she needs that Evan and Stanley are the same person. She promises Will they’ll sort the loan out and disappears into the night.

Just as JB and Mort finally catch up to what’s going on, and Will finds a notebook left by Julia, Julia is at Evan/Stanley’s office with a gun to his head. Evan/Stanley was the guy in the car the night of that murder back in 1974, and Julia’s father was one of the two guys involved in the shooting. Evan/Stanley was indicted for the murder when the other two claimed it was all his idea, and so he bailed before he could go to trial. Julia’s on the hunt for revenge, but Mort and Andy arrive to save the day.

Basically this is the origin story of Julian and Ivy Crane and you can’t prove it isn’t.

Anyway, Evan/Stanley explains his life story, but swears he didn’t kill Leo, he only followed him to find out what it would take for him to back off. Mort tells Jess they found evidence linking Jimmy to the woods, but he tells them he was out there with a lady.

Honestly, her face this whole bit is just glorious

Anyway, long story short…

Because sure, why not.

She did it for love guys. And at long, LONG last, GC the cat has fallen asleep and has stopped yowling at me to let her out. Honestly, it’s like having a toddler in the house. It’s taken me five hours to write this. I’m delirious! I need sleep!

Nap time!

S10E14 – Deadly Assets

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Happy Eurovision Fletcherfans. I was going to do my usual post-Eurovision analysis but Twitter has left such a bad taste in my mouth that honestly I’m just not going to bother.

In the non-EU country of Cabot Cove, someone is breaking into a safe down at the Lomax sheet metal factory oh God I’m already bored. The thief nicks off with a suitcase full of sweet cash dollar before Deputy Andy arrives.

Yeah, he is.

Meanwhile, JB and Mort are plotting a surprise birthday dinner party for Seth and are trying to coordinate gift-buying plans so that they don’t double up, bless them. It would appear that Seth has a similar attitude towards his birthday that I do to mine (except I completely forgot mine was even happening). The birthday boy himself wanders in to see what’s going on, but Jess informs him she’s chatting to Mort about storm windows and finalising dinner party plans. Mort gets a call from Andy and heads down to the crime scene, while Seth tells Jess he thinks it’s ridiculous for Jess to be throwing a dinner party with all that she has on – there’s no reason for it, it’s not like there’s an anniversary coming up. Or a birthday.

Jess is not buying into Seth’s nonsense.

Down at the crime scene the owner of Lomax Sheet Metal, Sanford Lomax, is telling Mort that only about $300 dollars were taken which is about $50,000 short of being true. He also says the knife that was used was his. Mort gives the knife to Andy to dust for prints and tells Sanford he’s sorry this happened. Andy feels terrible, if he’d been able to get there sooner he could have caught the guy.

“Maybe next time.” Says Sanford in a ringing endorsement for Cabot Cove crime levels.

As Mort and Andy depart, Sanford gets a call from the mafia wanting to know where their money is. He tells them there’s been a tiny hiccup, but not to worry the kid who took the money will be terrified and he’ll sort it out. The mafia will have their money in the morning. Mafia guy gets off the phone and tells his goon they have a problem.

He’s no Harry McGraw but he’s okay.

That is, of course, Charlie Garratt, last seen here and currently just chillin’ between cases. His phone rings and it’s Sanford wanting him to come up and investigate a case of industrial espionage. Charlie’s not interested until he gets promised his usual fee plus 50%.

Back in the Cove Jess is shopping for Seth’s birthday present down at Celia’s Antique Store where Celia’s daughter Libby sells paintings as well as works for the Cabot Cove Hall of Records, and her brother Harvey works for Sanford Lomax. Celia meanwhile is PISSED AS HELL with Jessica for sending a late thank you note four years ago.

My face during this whole scene.

Down at the docks Sanford goes to confront the thief, Walter Perry, who it turns out just so happens to be engaged to Libby Terhune I mean what were the odds. Sanford demands his money back but Walter tells him he knows nothing about it and besides there was only $300 missing, what’s the big deal?

Down at the soon to be relocated Hall of Records office, Libby is packing things into boxes when Walter drops in to tell her what he did. She tells him to go to the cops but he says he can’t – clearly whatever Sanford is into is illegal and Walter is now a witness of sorts to that so basically, they’re in big trouble. Before Libby can continue Jess pops up to ask for her trust deed. Libby walks with her to the front desk where she’s stashed it for her. Harvey turns up to grab more office supplies to take back to Celia and offers to give Libby a lift. Walter stashes the backpack (with 900K in it) in one of the filing cabinets and leaves the office.

Charlie Garrett watches Walter get into his car and drive away, and also watches the mafia goon Oscar Gandile follow him. He goes to follow too, but crashes into Seth who needless to say has some strong opinions.

Seth’s about to go nuclear.

It’s only when Jessica recognises Charlie that he’s off the hook. He pops round to House Fletcher for a cup of tea and to get the goss from JB about Walter. Jess tells him he had a rough start (orphaned, raised by his grandmother who died recently). Charlie thinks JB isn’t telling him everything and Jess isn’t saying anything until Charlie tells her who he is working for.

Should have put a few more As in there, but Eurovision has really soured my mood.

Starting to smell a rat, Charlie pays Sanford a visit who swears it’s 100% not about mafia work, he nabbed classified documents from some friends at the defence department and that’s what Walter stole and he needs them back. Charlie stashes a bug under Sanford’s desk and tells him he saw the Mafia guy also following Walter.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Jess is begging Mort to have a chat with Walter, she’s concerned for him. Seth is starting to get suspicious about Mort and JB’s scheming and plotting and suspects birthday involvement.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media at the best of times but today is firmly on the negative side

Andy tells Mort that Walter’s place has been broken into and trashed as has his boat (it turns out). Mort visits him on the boat but Walter swears he has no idea why and he swears he had nothing to do with the break-in at Sanford’s. Mort tells him to think hard about it and leaves him on the boat, casually being surveilled by Oscar and Charlie.

Mort’s next visit is to Libby Trehune but she gives him nothing. Celia wants to know what’s going on and reminds Libby about some other dude she could marry but she storms out, leaving Harvey to calm Celia down.

Sidebar: this outfit.

I mean a tie matching a waistcoat…you do you, Celia.

Meanwhile, Mort fills JB in on what he’s discovered. Jess says she’ll swear in court that Walter’s fish knife was missing and that she’s sure it’s the one that was used in the break-in. Mort wonders why Sanford said it was his, and Jessica tells him she’s starting to wonder about this Sanford Lomax, and that possibly Mort’s mate in the Chicago PD that told him all about Charlie and his misdemeanours could fill him in.

Later that night Charlie observes Walter breaking into the Cabot Cove Hall of Records before being clocked on the head by Oscar Gandile. Inside, Walter has just discovered his backpack full of money is missing when he hears someone come into the outer office. There are noises and Oscar Gandile falls to the floor, quite dead.

The next morning Seth is grumping around at JB’s while she’s trying to get hold of Charlie Garrett when the man himself wanders in with jelly doughnuts. Before he can explain himself Mort calls looking for Seth – they’ve just found a dead body down at the hall of records but they can’t identify him. Charlie takes that as his cue to leave.

After examining the body Seth tells Mort the mystery man died between 1 and 5pm. Mort is rather keen to speak to Charlie Garrett and gets Andy to put out an APB on him. Libby tells JB that she knows nothing about anything and flees before Jessica can question her further.

Jess decides to pop round to see Sanford Lomax who tells her he knows nothing about nothing, and if Walter knows something he’d better come forward or else some people that Sanford knows nothing about will do something drastic

All JB wants to do is have some quiet time in the Cove and throw a goddamn dinner party, is that so much to ask?

Sanford tells Jess if she tells the Sheriff anything he’ll deny the conversation ever happened. Jess has already spotted Charlie’s bug under the desk and so couldn’t really care less about that. Charlie is, of course, listening to the whole conversation and thinks JB is a gutsy lady.

Jess goes to see Celia but Libby’s not there either. Mort also drops by looking for her – it turns out Walter’s prints are the only ones on the murder weapon.

Walter and Celia are going to make a break for it, but Walter doesn’t want to leave without the money and he figures the only person who could have it is Sanford Lomax. He busts in on Sanford and the mafia guys duking it out about the money but before it can kick off Mort and Andy burst in and arrest everyone just to be on the safe side. Charlie, still listening, wonders where the hell the money is.

Down at the Sheriff’s office Mort is pissed he has to let Sanford and the mobsters go, but Walter is giving him nothing. Jess gently suggests the Witness Protection Program, and Walter finally explains everything – he didn’t kill Oscar, he was in the next room. And the money is still missing.

Jess returns home to discover Charlie chilling in her lounge room. He swears he doesn’t know who the killer is or where the money is. It’s only when Charlie starts slicing an apple that Jess works it out.

Apple cutting is a lot like paper cutting, it turns out.

Because of course

These are the things that happen when you steal mob money. I’m still trying to get my head around Celia being pissed about a late thank you note. WHY WAS THAT EVEN IN THE SHOW I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Later gang!

 

S10E08 – Love and Hate in Cabot Cove

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Welcome to 2018 and welcome back to the Cove Fletcherfans!

Mort is burning the midnight oil down at the Sheriff’s office trying to solve the case of Why Can’t He Access His Files On His Computer.

Noone likes a smartarse, Andy.

Giving up on computers and the prospect of the 21st century in general, Mort goes to retrieve his paper files from the storage room and is shot at by a shadowy figure outside. A car screeches away as Andy comes running in gun drawn. Mort didn’t see the shooter but he has a good idea who it was.

Meanwhile, at the home of Sam Bennett Public Accountant (I would not watch that show), Sam has just returned home to his anxious wife Laura, who wants to know why celebrity client Jessica Fletcher keeps calling. She calls back just as Sam walks in the door but Sam makes faces like he’s not home. Laura tells him she will get dinner ready but he says not to bother, he has another client. After she leaves he grabs a bundle of money out of the safe and puts JB’s file inside.

Over at the new hotspot in town, Jess is treating Seth to dinner while puzzling over the fact that she’s just been swamped with late notices and missing payments that Sam Bennett is supposed to have handled. Seth tells her to calm down, they’ve known Sam for 25 years there’s nothing to worry about. Frank Fletcher was one of Sam’s first clients, it turns out, and Jess is struggling to work out what’s going on. Seth is a client of Sam’s too, but before Jess can find out if Seth knows anything Lou Karamides, the new owner of the hotspot, pops past their table to offer a bottle of champagne for Cabot Cove’s unofficial monarch and his gold cufflinks for the upcoming rummage sale fundraiser.

(Fun fact, Lou Karamides is being played by Richard Beymer so this is basically the Great Northern Hotel)

If it’s true that there are infinite universes in the multiverse, there is a universe where Angela Lansbury was in Twin Peaks and holy crap that makes me happy.

Lou is called away upstairs, where it turns out he has the Star Wars Cantina a hidden casino full of hapless punters including a rather jolly Sam Bennett (aka Wings Hauser from all those other episodes, you guys know). I can’t even begin to wonder where this plot line is going. Lou checks in on Sam’s winnings (none) and Sam asks for some more credit. Lou gives him a grand, because what the hell he’s going to lose it anyway.

(Spoiler alert – I’m not a fan of casinos. Crown Casino in Melbourne is a depressing windowless hellhole filled with loud pinging noises and zombies. And shitty nightclubs. But does have a very good Christmas decorations).

Back at the Sheriff’s office, Mort is putting a call in for a warrant to go on a raid after getting an anonymous tip (and shot at), while new deputy Ethan Loomis gets on the phone to his new girlfriend Candace Bennett aka Sam’s daughter. Apparently, Sam doesn’t like Ethan all that much but Ethan can’t imagine why. Mort gets off the phone and orders Ethan to wrap it up and get the raid gear. Andy does it instead, but Ethan gets off the phone, quickly dials another number and says “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” Andy appears with an armload of guns and Ethan quickly says he was talking to Candace.

If you guessed Ethan was alerting the Great Northern, then give yourself a gold star and an elephant stamp as my grandfather would say. Lou oversees the casino’s return to its regular job as a function room and sends all the gamblers down to the bar for a drink, including Sam who was apparently on to a good run. Sam heads downstairs and spots Jessica and Seth just as they spot him. He goes over and says hi, and Jessica tells him they need to talk. Sam tells her he has to get home but he’ll check his calendar for tomorrow and give her a call, and Seth tells him he’d like a word too.

In the background, Mort and co come barreling in demanding to go upstairs but one of Lou’s minions steps in to stall them. Lou appears, and tells them it’s fine, go on up, we’re just a humble restaurant etc. Upstairs, there is no evidence of any gamblification except a solitary chip lying on the ground. Lou asks Mort why he insists on wasting everyone’s time and Mort tells him to watch himself. Basically.

Over at the Cabot Cove Gazette, apparent new editor Irene Macinoy is finishing up for the night and listening to a classical concert from Berlin when her pouty son Chad bursts in, turns the radio off and demands to know if she’s finished. Irene tells him she saw Candace at the post office, she said to say hi. Irene thinks she misses Chad. Chad thinks Candace doesn’t care if he’s alive or dead and storms out.

#NotAllMen.

Over at House Bennett, Ethan and Candace are making out in the cop car when Sam comes outside to see what’s going on. He orders Candace back in the house, and tells Ethan there’s no way he’d allow Ethan to marry his daughter, especially after seeing Ethan in Lou Karamides’s office earlier in the week. Ethan says he will marry Candace, and Sam orders him off his property.

Laura is not impressed by any of it. YOU DESERVE BETTER LAURA.

It’s like that age-old thing about fathers welcoming their son’s hot girlfriends over for dinner, but greeting their daughter’s hot boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. I mean put it back in your pants, your daughter’s not an idiot. Sorry. That’s a rant for another day.

The next day Mort pops round to see JB. JB wants to talk about her accounting predicament but Mort has fan mail to discuss and a coffee craving that needs dealing with.

(Accurate representation of my feelings towards coffee)

Jess is horrified by Mort’s fan mail and the idea that someone shot at him. Mort tells her it was Lou Karamedis, the owner of the Timber Lane Inn (oh, not the Great Northern. Whatever).  Mort can’t prove Lou fired the gun but he certainly knows who did. Mort asks what JB’s predicament is, but she’s running late for an appointment, so Mort offers to drive her over. Unfortunately, Mort’s car is falling apart so Jess gets a lift with Seth while Mort gets his car towed. Seth happens to drive past – on his way to see Sam, who has some explaining to do, and offers to drive JB to the Gazette office so she can place the ad for the rummage sale.

As it happens, pouty mcPoutface Chad is back in his mother’s office yelling at her to give him a job delivering newspapers, but she tells him he’s far too successful to be doing that. He was such a success in Philidelphia (I WAS FIRED IN PHILIDELPHIA says Chad). Irene thinks he’s just a bit stressed, what he needs is a wife to take care of him.

(At this point I paused the show, beat my head against the desk five times, then resumed)

Irene agrees to get him the job, and offers to give him some money to tide him over. Chad storms out.

Seth leaves JB at the Gazette office, where she runs into Chad, who very politely tells her he loves her books. They chat about things for a bit, before Jess goes into the office, walking straight past Laura Bennett, who is looking worried. Which is fair, her husband is embezzling money and her daughter’s dating an idiot.

Irene takes JB’s ad and starts prepping it for print. Jess says she ran into Chad on the way in, and Irene tells her he’s doing great, he is working for a big company in Philly, and if it weren’t for the fact Cabot Cove was part of his territory she wouldn’t ever see him. Jess thinks the last time she saw him was when he got his football scholarship to college, and Irene says oh yes, he gave it up, no future in it.

I don’t think Irene is okay. Later, when Seth gives JB a lift home from the supermarket, he tells her that Chad got booted from college for drinking all the time, and returned back to the Cove to be near his high school girlfriend Candace Bennett. Because that’s healthy.

Later that afternoon Laura is waiting for Sam when he gets home. She plays Sam the message Jessica has left on the answering machine, in which she tells him her financials are a mess, he didn’t call her, she has to assume he’s avoiding her, and so on and so forth.

That night, Ethan meets Lou for the traditional Paying of the Bribes. Lou wants to know who is firing at Mort, and Ethan says if Lou’s going to tell him who to arrest, that will cost him extra. Lou doesn’t like that idea or ambitious people. Over at House Bennett, a drunk Chad turns up to force himself on Candace, and is escorted out by the cops after Sam barges in with a shotgun. The next day Sam demands Chad be locked up but Mort tells him Candace declined to press charges so Chad is free to go. Sam is furious, but when Mort gets on the phone to tell Ethan to go pick up his car Sam gives up and walks out. Ethan tells Mort he has an idea about Chad but he’ll tell Mort when he brings the car in.

Except nope, because someone just shot him while he was driving the car back.

Fast forward to the funeral where Sam is very condescendingly comforting his daughter, while Irene tells Chad now isn’t the right time to chat up Candace.

#TeamLaura

JB and Seth try to console Mort as best they can but he tells them to go, he’ll be fine. Secretly though he thinks he was supposed to be the target, the killer saw his car and fired.

Poor Mort is devo.

Jess and Seth go and have a look at the crime scene but there’s not much to discover. Seth waves at a passing car and Jessica realises there was no way that the killer mistook Ethan for Mort, Ethan was the intended target. Jess thinks this will reassure Mort, but he still thinks he was the target – what with all the hate mail he was getting after all. Lou Karamedis definitely hired a hitman if he didn’t do it himself. Jess tells him a hit man would be more professional, and Mort tells her everyone makes mistakes. Jess says sure, Mort doesn’t even know for sure that there is a gambling casino in the Timber Lane!

Ouch, that was a bit harsh.

Jess decides to take matters into her own hands and enlists Seth as a sidekick. They head down to the Timberlane that night and watch a steady stream of punters head up the stairs. Jess tells Seth to keep an eye out and follows one group up the stairs. They enter the banquet hall and Jess sweet talks her way past the guard. She bumps into Lou Karamedis who says all she had to do was ask, and offers her champagne in his office.

JB has no time for your bullshit Ben Thorne

While Seth continues on his chowder downstairs, Lou and JB drink to her new novel, which she explains is about a hapless small-town accountant that gets caught up in illicit gambling, a local deputy gets shot and the casino owner is suspected. Lou thinks the casino owner wouldn’t bother, it would be easier to just pack up and leave town rather than get caught up in local shenanigans. Jess casually mentions that the local deputy is being paid by the casino owner to tip him off to any raids. Lou gets more and more creepy til a phone call from Seth, in which Seth announces he has Mort on the other line and Jess needs to be back in the dining room in one minute.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Jess and Seth ask Andy about whether it was possible Ethan was on Lou’s payroll and he tells them about the weird phone call the night of the last raid. Mort wanders in with Sam and announces Sam is under arrest for the murder of Ethan. Mort tells them that Ethan remembered seeing Sam with a shotgun the night they arrested Chad, and when Mort went to investigate the gun looked like it could have been the one that killed Ethan, though he couldn’t be certain. Sam admits he hated Ethan but it wasn’t about him not having enough money to marry Candace, which is apparently what Ethan claimed. Sam admits to his gambling addiction and tells them about seeing Ethan at the casino with his free drink being happy as. Mort loses it but Andy tells him that Ethan was bent. Mort then loses it at Andy but Jess explains he only just worked it out.

Mort doesn’t care.  Sam was in the office when Mort told Ethan to pick up his car, he knew where to be to shoot Ethan. Jess tells him anyone with a police scanner could have heard it but Mort is not backing down. When Jess tells him Lou Karamedis has a police scanner he asks her if he has an over and under shotgun too?

This gives Jess an idea, and she tells Andy she needs to speak to Chad.

PLOT TWIST.

I really did not see this coming.

Ah yes. Irene’s classical music concerts were right next to the police band on the radio, so she heard where Ethan would be. Her husband had an old over-under shotgun, so she thought she’d eliminate Ethan’s rival for Candace. I told you Irene wasn’t okay.

Before we all get too depressed, let us leave with the good news that Sam is going to Gamblers Anonymous, Laura is taking care of him (after being the one calling the tips in to Mort) and the tie she donated to the rummage sale has been bought – as a present to Sam from Candace.

Hooray for the Cove!

Later gang!

S10E03 – The Legacy of Borbey House

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Welcome back to the Cove Fletcherfans, where winter is coming, teens are making out in cemeteries and the dead are rising from the grave.

So you know, the usual.

The Boss Lady is getting some construction done on House Fletcher and is packing up things in boxes while the contractor Charles Wetherby makes himself look busy until he finds a note in his toolbox from his missing fiance Laurel. Jessica’s sympathy is shortlived after Charles gets a phone call from his other client Lawrence Baker and leaves, telling Jess he’ll be back in the morning.

Risky life move, buddy. 

Seth pops in just as Charles departs, eyes on Jessica’s peach pie. Jess tells him she gave it to Mort, it would have spoiled what with the lack of electricity and or plumbing in her house.

Seth is about to blow.

As you can see, Seth is apocalyptic. He’s just spent the whole morning dealing with a freaked out teenage girl who saw someone come out of a grave the night before, and now there’s no goddamn pie?

Later that night, local wallpaper peddler Molly Holt drops by Lawrence Baker’s house where she is shown inside by his butler Peter Jatich. She thinks she’s there to show samples but he’s got a whole three-course dinner planned.

I mean it. You get the hell out right now.

Despite Mollie’s protests Baker orders Jatich to start serving the first course. As he heads to the kitchen, he pauses to eavesdrop on the conversation he can hear through the vents.

Later that night, when Molly finally returns home, her father Philip tells her that her boyfriend Dave called to see where she was – apparently she’s broken three dates with him in the last month. Molly says she’s surprised he noticed. Her father tells her to give him a break and she says she has, for eighteen months now. Molly tells him which wallpapers Baker has chosen and Philip simply says that he’s glad he doesn’t have to pay her by the hour.

The next day Molly is around at JB’s to show samples, but she and JB are both distracted – Molly by Lawrence Baker, JB by the complete shermozzle that is renovating her house.

She is so done you guys. (I have no context for this, the only way I could afford to live in a house is if the zombie apocalypse destroys society. I’m not saying I hope it happens, but I wouldn’t mind renovating something)

JB calls time on the whole thing and returns some library books with Seth.

Let’s be honest, it’s also me at the bookshop. And that time I went to the second-hand book sale in Geelong and all the books were a dollar and I passed out.

JB meets visiting writer Dr Howard Sorensen (who was the guy popping out of the grave at the start of the episode, apparently he’s visiting from the netherworld) who explains he’s in town researching the history of the Borbey house. Which just so happens to be the house Lawrence Baker is renovating I mean really what were the odds.

Oh, you guys! Dr Sorenson is being played by the guy who was in charge of all the wildfire in Kings Landing in Game of Thrones. He passed away like a month ago.

Seth thinks the idea is hilarious. Apparently back in the day, the former residents of the Borbey house were killed by a vampire.

“Well despite what the medical establishment would have us believe, Doctor, there are a great many things in this world which defy rational explanation.” Says Dr Sorenson.

Huh. You’re not wrong there.

Jess hurries Seth out of the library before he completely hulks out. Outside they find Dave Perrin, brother of Charles Weatherby’s missing fiance, sticking up posters begging for information about his missing sister. Molly begs him to accept that she’s gone, but he won’t have a bar of it. He tells Seth that his car is fixed just as Mort rolls up in the Mort mobile and thanks JB for the peach pie. He asks how the renovations are going and Seth tells him not to mention the war. Mort’s reason for stopping though is to update Dave on a lead he tracked down about his sister. Apparently, the private investigator Dave hired mistook a 56-year-old short woman for his sister. Mort gently suggests that these leads are eating too much into the department’s sources.

Later that afternoon Mike drops Lawrence Baker’s car off at his house and demands payment. Jatich the butler refuses to let him in, but a sunglasses totin’ Baker says it’s fine. Molly’s told him about Mike, but apparently not that they are going to be engaged. Mike takes a swing at him and is thrown out of the house just as Molly arrives. Once the door closes, Baker takes off his glasses. Because obvs he’s a vampire.

Later that night, the kids from the cemetery are strolling along a path when the girls spot an arm sticking out of the ground and loses her mind. The next morning, Seth and Mort are called to the scene to discover it’s a mannequin arm. Apparently, that’s not cause for alarm BUT I BEG TO DIFFER THOSE THINGS ARE CREEPY AF.

Over at the Borbey house Lawrence Baker has decided a wall needs to come out. Charles tries to explain that it’s a load-bearing wall, and it will cost a lot of money to compensate for it. He quotes double his initial amount for the project, and Baker tells him to do it.

Charles jets over to House Fletcher to tell JB he can’t do her renovations anymore, Baker’s stepped up his demands and he still has to finish the rennos at the sheriff’s office but it’s okay because he’s got someone coming to take over the job who can start that afternoon don’t even worry about it.

Oh, how I know this feeling.

Over at the sheriff’s office, the renos are in fact full steam ahead, much to Mort’s chagrin. He gets a phone call and is about to head out the door when one of the old ducks wanders in to tell him that she saw Dr Sorenson digging up graves at the cemetery the previous night. Mort gets Deputy Andy on the case and rushes out the door – turns out his hot new lead is actually a potential sighting of Laurel, in a critical condition in hospital. He tells Dave who rushes over there. Mort then heads over to the cemetery where the grave of William Borbey has been opened and garlic shoved in.

Later that evening, JB is picking up some wallpaper from Philip and Molly when Old Mate Baker wanders in, wanting to purchase a house Philip has for sale. Philip tells him it isn’t for sale and that the shop is closed. Molly reappears from the back room and is delighted to see “Larry!”

Jess really doesn’t have time for this.

Philip throws “Larry” out of his store and orders him to stay away from his daughter. Molly is a bit peeved at his behaviour, but Philip tells her Lawrence Baker doesn’t exist according to the credit check he got his friend to do down at the bank. Jess finds that interesting, as Eve Simpson told her that Larry paid cash for the house.

What a concept.

Night falls, a storm hits. Dr Sorensen takes it upon himself to do a thorough investigation of Larry by sneaking into his house and taking note of the lack of mirrors and bottles of red liquid because you guys Larry is totes a vampire.  Meanwhile Mort shows off his new sheriff’s office to Seth and JB who are very impressed. Well, JB is, Seth thinks its a waste of taxpayer dollars.

The open for inspection is unfortunately cut short when Mort gets a phone call. There’s been a murder at the old Borbey place. The trio roll on over and find Larry dead on the ground, a stake through his heart.

Because, and I can’t remind you enough (and neither can the MSW writers) LARRY IS 100% TOTES OBVS A VAMPIRE.

Mort tries to hide his belief that Larry was a vampire, despite all evidence to the contrary. Seth tells him that Larry was whacked on the head before getting staked, which does nothing for Mort’s fears. Peter Jatich tells them that the side door was open, which was how the killer got in, and no he wasn’t that upset Larry was bumped off, he wasn’t wild about him.

The next day Dave is hard at work mechanicing when Mort calls to see how he went with the mystery woman. Turns out she wasn’t his sister either, and he didn’t get home til 3am so definitely didn’t stake the vampire. Molly swings by to say how sorry she is it wasn’t Laurel, and he tells her he’s sorry to hear about Larry. It’s awkward.

Down at the police station Dr Sorenson says he was in his hotel room all evening, and he never met Larry #fakenews. JB strolls in armed to the teeth with books and says that Larry was staked with the wrong kind of wood to be killed, it should have been ash, not fir. Jess thinks that someone was trying to make it look like a staking.

Charles pulls her aside and apologises again for the way he skipped out on her reno. JB says whatever. Dr Sorensen announces that the grave he dug up was William Borbey’s and it was empty. He thinks that in fact, Larry IS William Borbey and he’s not dead, only undead.

This episode is ridiculous.

Mort and JB go for a stroll along the water. Mort’s convinced this is some vampiric shenanigans, but Jess is sure there must be a logical explanation. They run into Dave who is showing photos of Laurel’s boat in case it jogs someone’s memory. It does for JB, but not in relation to Laurel. She asks Mort to call the planning board, they need to get over there immediately.

The planning board, it turns out, is being renovated as well and they can’t find the file JB is looking for – the building permit for the Borbey house. Deputy Andy pops up and tells them that Peter Jatich’s fingerprints match those of a known Stasi agent in East Germany.

Mort and Jess confront Peter, but he denies the whole thing. He tells them he heard Larry and Dr Sorenson arguing, but didn’t actually see Dr Sorensen kill Larry. Mort figures either Dr Sorenson is lying or Peter is, but either way they’ve nabbed a killer.

JB has found the inital tender bids for the renovation project and tells Mort she’s not so sure about that.

Of course not, says Mort. And are you going to tell me?

I think JB is just making her own fun at this point.

Instead, JB wanders into the sheriff’s office the next morning and announces to the world that Larry’s attorneys are finishing the renovation, and her contractor is starting the next morning.

Later that night…

I’m not even sure I care at this point.

For you see, Charles bumped off his beloved Laurel when she tried to dump him, and then hid her body in a wall at the Borbey house where he was doing some rennos at the time. Then when Larry wanted him to remove the wall, he killed him.

I mean what even was this episode. Where’d the vampire stuff come from? I’m so confused and hungry.

Let’s just end on the mental image of Mort’s face when he is shown a picture of William Borbey looking identical to Larry Baker and not dwell on whatever the hell this was.

Later gang

S09E22 – Love’s Deadly Desire

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With a title like that, you know there’s going to be DRAMAH OH SAH DRAMAH.

It’s a dark and stormy night (obviously) JB is back in the Cove (Huzzah!) where fellow author and occasional Cabot Cove visitor Sibella Stone is reading from her latest book while smugglers are smuggling because that is literally what coves are for (see also, every Famous Five book ever).

I think JB is just about done with everything.

Sibella’s husband Derek Hartman turns up late and full of apology to pick up his wife and her assistant, Marian King. Derek has just secured a hot new manuscript from some random housewife in Oklahoma. Sibella insists JB pop round for a cup of tea and to check out ye olde journals Sibella found in the house she’s renting.

After they leave, Jessica finds Sibella’s purse and runs out to return it, only to find Marian and Derek having a pash on at the car.

Inconspicuous A F.

The next day Seth is barrelling down the main street of Cabot Cove when he crashes into Colin Burnham and Valerie Hartman. Colin is a dick and Valerie isn’t that much better to be honest, which of course gets Seth’s back up (although he did just also drop his dry cleaning in a puddle).

Angry Seth is Angry.

Valerie tells Seth to get his dry-cleaning redone and to charge it to her step-mother Sibella’s account. As she and Colin cruise off, leaving Seth huffing to himself, someone called Munro watches them leave before being summoned back inside the cafe where he works by someone called Sue. Facts.

JB takes the Fletchmobile to the lighthouse where Sibella and her crew are staying (YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT TO STAY IN A LIGHTHOUSE) and runs into handyman (and wouldn’t you know it, local smuggler) Phil Coyle, who warns JB the step is broken and also Sibella should just leave the house is falling down around them.

Jess smiles politely and flees inside to return Sibella’s purse. Far from packing to leave Sibella has decided to stay until the end of the week to finish her book, and then take a well-earned three week holiday to Montego Bay with Derek. She suggests they take the journals she found outside to peruse.

Preach.

Their reading is interrupted by Valerie storming out, furious that the INS is threatening to deport Colin for crimes against hairstyles. Sibella has a friend in Washington but she has no intention of calling him, telling Valerie if she’s thinking of doing anything more serious with that Picadilly Prima Donna (lol) they will cut her money off. Valerie storms off again and Sibella reminds Jess that she is hosting a dinner on Thursday and Jess must come.

Thursday rolls around and Marian drops some more journals off for JB to read. She is also in the market for some writing advice, she only knows JB and Sibella and Sibella seems miserable. JB tells Marian that if she wants to become a writer she just should get out there and do it.

That night, while Marian and Derek steal more kisses while no one is looking, Colin asks Sibella for help with his visa problem, only for Sibella to tell him she will only help if Colin leaves Valerie alone. Colin says nothing doing, and Sibella tells him she didn’t realise he had a choice. Outside, Sibella runs into Phil the handyman, ‘working late’. He tells her his work is never done and she sashays away down to the beach, while that Munro bloke appears out of nowhere and loiters around. JB and a very reluctant Seth, heading to the party, spotlights flashing in the harbour. Jess thinks it’s some sort of signal but before she can work out what, they stop.

Sibella heads to the boathouse, for reasons unknown, and falls through a rotten floorboard into the water. Her foot gets trapped between two rocks, and her screams for help go unheard, while the water rises. Told you! Drama! Inside, Seth makes his views on being at the party abundantly clear, while Colin does what he does best and talks about Colin. Seth mutters to JB that it’s been 40 minutes and there’s no sign of their host, when Marian appears with a note she found upstairs saying ‘Boathouse 7pm’.  Jess says that was over an hour ago, and they rush to the boathouse to find the water up to Sibella’s neck. Derek dives in and pulls her foot free, and Seth heaves her out of the water with some rope which is a fair effort really.

Sibella takes to her bed to recover, telling them that she was down at the boathouse to get some more journals she’d found for Jess to look at. They ask her about the note, and she tells them she’d left it for herself the previous night to meet with Phil Coyle to discuss the renovations.

Party over, Marian pays the caterers and has a run-in with Colin, who threatens to tell Sibella about her little something something with Derek, to which she says be my guest (not the answer he was expecting). Meanwhile, JB and Seth are heading home, Seth furious that JB had left him alone with them. She tells him she went to investigate the boathouse and not only were there no journals down there, the floorboards Sibella had fallen through had been cut, not rotten. They narrowly avoid crashing into Phil Coyle as he jets off into the night in his truck.

Later that night, a cloaked figure stands on the deck, gets clocked around the head and falls down to the beach below. The body is discovered by Munro the Random Guy while he’s out on a morning stroll, and as he explains to Mort as soon as he saw the body he ran for a phone. He doesn’t know who it is, but he’s seen that writer woman wearing a cloak like that one.  Mort freaks out and asks if he means Jessica Fletcher, but Munro says no, he thinks her last name is stone. Deputy Andy rolls the body over and EGAD YOU GUYS it’s not Sibella, it’s Marian the assistant.

Mort goes up to the lighthouse to inform everyone what’s happened, and JB pops in a short time later. She mentions the lights to Mort and Sibella mentions she’s seen them too, when she’s been walking along the bluff before bed. Mort asks if Sibella owns a grey cloack, and when she says yes asks fi Marian had one similar but Sibella says she thinks not. She’s horrified when they explain to her that this probably means that she was the intended victim, not Marian.

Down at the cafe Sue wants to know why Munro was anywhere near the beach to discover the body, and just how he is connected to the family but he’s giving away nothing.

Back at the house, JB wants answers and Mort is trying to catch up. Sibella comes clean about the note, saying that she’s been receiving death threats in the mail over several weeks, and that one was the latest. She thinks they are from her real first husband, not the fictitious count she’s been putting about.

As Jess goes to leave she runs into Derek and passes on her condolences abour Marian. Derek says she knows how to cut to the chase.

Indeed

Derek tells her the affair was only about him being in denial about his age (#cliche) while he thinks it was more serious for Marian.

Down in town Munro is on the phone telling someone it wasn’t supposed to include murder, while Valerie begs her father to help stop Colin’s deportation, whilst at the same time wishing it had been Sibella who got whacked, not Marian. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Mort has taken it upon himself to arrest Phil Coyle, rather aggressively.

Coyle, it turns out, has been smuggling ivory from Canada which seems both elaborate and specific. Mort throws him under arrest and thinks its a matter of time before he adds murder to the list of charges.

Down at the cafe Mort brags about his recent victory to Seth, but is deflated when Jess pops in and tells him he’s probably wrong, definitely wrong when she sees some writing on the whiteboard.

This episode is a whole new level of ridiculous. Let me cut to the chase.

I MEAN COME ON NOW.

To cut an incredibly long story short, Sibella was nailing Munro and instead of divorcing Derek for cheating on her she decided to bump Marian off, and was going to bump off Derek but she got busted. Also JB worked it out because Munro was the writer of the notes and he spells mince MINZE and also Marian was the hot new author Derek signed and for the life of me I have no idea what’s going on, how did Mort know Phil was smuggling?

I don’t. I just don’t. So let us leave Season 9 with Seth dropping an allegedly funny line about Munro needing spelling lessons and go google lighthouses to stay at.

Later Fletcherfans!

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