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S03E13 – Crossed Up

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So. Last week’s episode was boring, and I hoped this week’s would be better, but at least Grady wasn’t in it last week.

Guys, I have some bad news.

UUUURRRGGGGGHHHHH.

UUUURRRGGGGGHHHHH.

World’s worst nephew and general failure at life, Grady is in Cabot Cove to look after his aunt Jess, who did her back trying to put up storm windows ahead of the imminent Hurricane Ida. Well, I say ‘look after’ but after a breakfast of tuna omelette and a lunch of tuna surprise, I think the “looking after” bit is more “trying to poison.”

The surprise is that Grady can actually cook. LOL, J/K, Grady can't do anything.

The surprise is that Grady can actually cook. LOL, J/K, Grady can’t do anything.

JB is not enjoying her current situation, and it isn’t helped when Seth turns up to see how she’s doing, to warn her that if she’s not careful she could be flat on her back for another week, and to give her a present – an emergency buzzer connected to a pager in his jacket.  I’m not gonna lie guys, I think this might come up again later. JB begs Seth for food, and he departs to see what he can find.

Later that afternoon, Our Heroine is wide awake and bored. She goes to make a call, but the wires are crossed and instead she can hear two men talking. (Remember when crossed lines happened? Remember when we all called from land lines? REMEMBER ROTARY PHONES!) Anyway, with absolutely nothing better to do JB settles in to listen to the call, and immediately hits paydirt: some guy is demanding more money from some other guy before he’ll whack the old guy! Unfortunately for Jess her eavesdropping is cut short when one of her windows blows open (BECAUSE GRADY IS A TOTAL FREAKING FAILURE AT ALL THE THINGS), and by the time Grady appears to shut the window and listen to the call the phone line has died. Seth returns with food and Jess tells him about the murder plot, and that someone needs to call Amos. Seth and Grady pat her on the head and tell her that they’ll be sure to tell Amos all about it. A stroke of luck sees the phone come back and Jess calls the operator to see if the crossed line can be traced.

Meanwhile, down at the diner, Amos is cheerfully oblivious to any potential problems – like Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin, who saw Amos coming, scarpered out the bathroom window and bolted in his truck. But not before nearly running Grady over, so there’s a plus. Grady tells Amos about JB’s crazy scheme and Amos tells him not to worry, he’ll calm her down.

Literally one second later…

Because telling a person to calm down ALWAYS WORKS.

Because telling a person to calm down ALWAYS WORKS.

Jess tries to explain the plot to Amos, saying that the killer mentioned using a Mach 4.

“He’s going to run him over?” Grady asks, confused.

Fierce JB is Fierce.

Fierce JB is Fierce.

Amos tells Jess he’ll ‘get right on it’ (winks at Seth) but that “As sheriff and as your friend I promise you – no one is getting murdered in Cabot Cove tonight!”

The next morning, news breaks that local millionaire Jebediah Rogers has been shot to death in his home.

I AM THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU.

I AM THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU.

At the crime scene, Seth asks Amos for a humble pie recipe but Amos isn’t sold just yet. It’s clearly a coincidence. He asks the dead guy’s granddaughter Leslie if she heard anything but she tells him she slept through everything, including the storm. Jebediah’s first son Morgan arrives to mourn/look through his father’s desk, and tells Amos he was home alone working when his father was shot.

Back at home, JB tells Grady that she might out of action but she can still think. (I love it, she’s not even pretending to let Amos solve this one). She sends Grady to the crime scene to make a sketch and to report back on any potential shenanigans. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when sending Grady is your best move.

Grady dutifully goes to the crime scene and sketches away, before bumping into Leslie. She remembers him from a fishing trip they both went on six years earlier (WHY? WHY ARE THESE WOMEN IN LOVE WITH GRADY? THIS IS HURTING MY BRAIN). Leslie tells Grady that she thought something might like this would happen, and that her grandfather had been fighting with her uncles to the point where he was going to change his will. She tells him she has something that will help JB but is called away before she can say what it is.

Adam Rogers, another son of Jeb’s wanders in to provide his alibi. He found a nice little cocktail waitress that needed sheltering from the storm *cough hooker cough* and will be more than happy to provide him with an alibi. He takes a look in the same drawer his brother Morgan did, and is equally unhappy to find it empty.

Jess conducts a strategy meeting from the war room (her bed) and tries to convince Amos that the murderer wasn’t a burglar, just as Amos tries to convince JB that none of the family has an alibi strong enough to protect them from a hired killer theory. All three brothers were either alone or with shady witnesses (hooker/wife). JB is focussed on the hired gun theory and wonders about any strangers that might have bobbed up in town. Grady has a sudden brainwave (!) and remembers that time Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin nearly ran him down outside the diner. Amos and JB do some detecting (well, partially true) and they learn that Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin is almost certainly Abel Gorsey, recently released from prison after being caught stealing from Old Man Jebediah.

Adam Rogers wanders in to the Sheriff’s Department with Gordon and his wife Dodi to demand a special investigator be brought in to handle the case, but Amos tells them the case is basically solved. They are stunned to learn that Abel Gorsey is almost certainly the killer.

It’s not long before Amos has his man cornered at a cabin on Red Hill Bluff. He takes his crack squadron of deputies and a megaphone…and finds Gorsey dead on the ground.

Amos is all set to take the rest of the week off and go fishing but Seth throws it all out when he informs them that Gorsey was killed before Jeb Rogers, making him unlikely to be the murderer. Unless he’s a zombie. Which honestly might be true. Back at square one, Amos tells Jess he’ll secretly record each of the Rogers’s talking to see if any of them might be the raspy voice she heard on the phone. She sends Grady off to see what Leslie has been hiding, which turns out to be a journal her grandfather was keeping including details of the changes he was going to make to his will.

Meanwhile, Amos is doing a bit of highly sophisticated and incredibly subtle wire-wearing.

Hour #21: Still not suspected of wearing a wire...

Hour #21: Still not suspected of wearing a wire…

His covert session is cut short, however, by the arrival of Dodi to inform them that the press have arrived.

WE MEET AGAIN, MR BOND (And yes, I know it was Goldfinger not Blofeld who said that, just shush alright?)

WE MEET AGAIN, MR BOND (And yes, I know it was Goldfinger not Blofeld who said that, just shush alright?)

Later that night Amos plays the tape for Jess but she doesn’t recognise any of the voices. It’s not until she hears Gordon on the television, holding the cat, that she realises that his is the voice she heard. Amos promises to call JB the minute Gordon is in custody. Seth drops by with an envelope for Jess from the telephone operator, and Grady offers to help sandbag down at the harbour. Jess tells them all to scoot and is left alone to contemplate her gnawing feeling that something is not quite right. There’s no way Gordon killed Abel, but it just seems too unlikely to be an accident.

When JB reads the phone records she realises that Gordon couldn’t be the killer of either man. She tries to call Amos but someone cuts the phone. Then the power.

(Honestly, at this point I had all of my fingers crossed for the killer to be a certain person. And I was right).

As soon as she started stroking that cat I was all "KILLER!" That's just basic laws of the universe right there,

As soon as she started stroking that cat I was all “KILLER!” That’s just basic laws of the universe right there.

Always suspect the white cat stroker. Seriously guys, this law is CONCRETE.

Later gang!

Later gang!

ETA: So yeah, the necklace Seth gave Jess back at the start totally came in handy when Dodi tried to shoot JB. I forgot to mention that. Honestly I was mostly muttering “No Mr Bond I expect you to die!” and giggling a bit.

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S03E12 – The Corpse Flew First Class

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Disclaimer: I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as I wanted to.  I kind of got bored. And I kind of got distracted. And then I started drawing snakes. If you value your life I would check in again next week. 

JB is on the road again, except by road I mean sky – she’s off to London on a well deserved vacation. Naturally she’s flying first class, and her fellow first-classians are a bit of an odd bunch.

Exhibit A, Sonny Greer:

I DID NOT EVEN RECOGNISE HER

I DID NOT EVEN RECOGNISE HER

Captain Janeway Sonny Greer is on her way to London with her bodyguard/boytoy Leon the professional, and is carrying a buttload of diamonds to celebrate. In the first class departure terminal she bumps into her friend Dr Cliff Strayhorne, travelling to London to perform plastic surgery on Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom. (Not her real name. Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom is actually my alias. I begged to be introduced as such at my brother’s wedding in August but it was denied.)

After a run-in with a paparazzo Sonny also literally bumps into Our Heroine who was minding her own business and eating prawn puffs. She is rescued by Scotland Yard detective Errol Pogson (who is being played by David Hemmings who is in Deep Red which is the GREATEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME and I’m not saying it’s available to watch on You Tube and that you should go and watch it right now because it is better than this episode, but I’m suggesting it, okay?)

Boarding the plane, Jess is less than thrilled to discover she’s sitting next to Gunnar Globle (not kidding), who appears to be playing the role of Michael Bay. When the flight attendant tells JB he’s a big fan and to let him know if there’s anything he can do to make her flight more comfortable (wink wink) Gunnar says “Level with me. Are you anybody?”

Aren't we all, though.

Aren’t we all, though.

Despite Gunnar’s request for more explosions and more aliens, JB is less than keen to take a look at the script. It’s only when Gunnar boasts of his dealmaking prowess, and that he will close this deal even if it takes the whole flight to London to do it that Jess agrees to read it.

I dunno, Offroad Aliens sounds amazing! *Coughs*

While a shady elderly couple refuse to have their bag put in the overhead, a flight attendant gets the booze rolling for Captain Janeway Sonny Greer and Leon the professional gets his hypnosis tape ready for the flight. Unfortunately for him, his Walkman (naww) isn’t working. To cope with this, he goes to the bathroom, smacking into another passenger on the way. Poor Leon is not having a good day.

JB is bored. (I’m not kidding, I kind of am too). The inflight movie is boring and the bathroom has been taken over by a bloke shaving. Fortunately, the movie ends, they hit a patch of turbulence, snakes drop out of the overhead compartments and Leon flops over dead in his seat.

c2

Image not altered.

Flight attendants come to move the body and the hordes of snakes out of sight (because lord knows you can’t have a corpse in first class). Sonny remembers her necklace but a search of the body and his bag reveals nada. The diamond necklace has been stolen. Presumably taken hostage by the snakes.

Errol outs himself as a Scotland Yard detective and decides to search the belongings of the first class passengers, which doesn’t please Gunnar or the shady old couple. Jess offers her assistance, and Errol gratefully accepts, saying he’s a bit up in the air at the moment.

UGH.

UGH.

JB volunteers to be the first one searched. A passenger sitting down the front volunteers his thoughts on how the diamond might be disposed of on the European black market. He introduces himself as John Sukahara, a gem dealer and offers himself up to be the next one searched.

This escalated quite quickly.

This escalated quite quickly.

Errol steps in, so JB instead goes to take a peek at the body. The blueish tinge under the fingernails tells her Leon was poisoned. BY SNAKES, OBVIOUSLY. She asks for the ticketing records and seating chart for the first class cabin and works out that since Sonny only booked her flight to London that day, anyone who booked after her might be the ones who stole the necklace. That rules out everyone except Sukahara, so they decided to search the cabin crew’s luggage just for the hell of it. This turns out to be a wise move, as the necklace turns up in the bag belonging to one of the stewardesses, Kay Davis.

UGH I’M SO BORED WHERE IS SAMUEL L JACKSON?

Mr Sukahara pops up again to take a look at the necklace and informs them it’s a fake. Back to the drawing board, Errol searches the belongings of the shady old couple and finds their poodle they’re smuggling into England for a holiday. Man, they could have been at least smuggling meth or something. Errol has a brainwave and checks the flight manifests for all airlines flying from Boston to London on that day – and turns up the same passenger booked on every flight, including theirs, Otto Hardwick. Another search of his possessions reveals a can of shaving cream, and if we’ve learned nothing from Jurassic Park (apart from confirmation that they do move in herds) it’s that shaving cream is an excellent way to smuggle things. Errol unscrews the bottom of the can and finds more snakes the necklace.

“Close shave, eh Hardwick?” Says Errol.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Errol ties Hardwick up with some wool pinched from Shady Old Lady’s knitting bag (because ain’t no one escaping from woollen handcuffs) and Hardwick confesses to the theft, and to murdering Leon.

SNAKES.

SNAKES.

Job concluded, the plane lands and Errol takes Hardwick off the plane to escort him to Scotland Yard but is stopped by airport security. Apparently the customs chief needs a word with him.

And by chief, I mean boss. And by boss, I mean JB. Because apparently, Hardwick wasn’t working alone. JB worked it out when he confessed to murdering Leon, a murder he absolutely didn’t commit because he didn’t need to. He had the necklace. But, he admitted to the theft, and that told JB that Errol was his partner in crime. Does that even make sense to anyone?

More to the point, who killed Leon?

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

He was leaving her so she killed him. Whatever. Fletcherfans, that episode suuuuuuuuuucked. Lets hope next week is better. In the meantime, here’s a video of Oprah Winfrey unleashing a swarm of killer bees on a joyous audience.

 

Fingers crossed next week is better

Fingers crossed next week is better

S03E11 – Night of the Headless Horseman

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JB is in Vermont this week Fletcherfans, summoned there by her orphaned protégé Dorian Gray Beecher, newly appointed poetry teacher English teacher at the local school and Grady-in-training. The extent of his Gradyness is made clear when JB learns that everyone in town is under the impression that she is in fact Dorian’s mother,

That is such a Grady move...

That is such a Grady move…

After a whole lot of dodging and weaving Dorian finally comes clean. He’s fallen in love with his boss’s daughter, (DAMMIT GRADY) but his boss is a Monumental Snob who refuses to associate with anyone who doesn’t have a forest of family trees. So when his beloved Sara told him to invite his mother for a visit, Dorian panicked and invited JB. “I had to have a mother, at least for the weekend,” says Dorian.

Seriously, Grady's apprentice.

Seriously, Grady’s apprentice.

JB’s facepalming is cut short when Dorian slams on the breaks to avoid his competitior for Sara’s heart, school riding instructor and local douchebag Nate Findley showboating on his horse. Nate enjoys being a dick, dressing up like the headless horseman and throwing flaming pumpkins at Dorian and may appear familiar to you…

...

Greg mad. Greg SMASH!

Dorian introduces JB to Sara (who is just as much a Grady as he is), the school administrator Charlotte Newcastle and Sara’s father, Edwin Dupont. “Aren’t you a little young to have a son Dorian’s age?” Says Edwin.

“Actually, becoming Dorian’s mother was one of the biggest surprises of my life.” Says JB.

(This is also how I get through my day job).

(This is also how I get through my day job).

JB is saved from any further embarassing questions by the arrival of Brian Blessed’s German cousin Dorn Von Stotter, school groomsman and father to the late poetry teacher, who has caught some of the schoolboys listening at the door. Charlotte attends to them, then later orders Nate to stay away from Sara or else. Nate is unfazed by this, saying “My daddy always taught me one good threat deserves another.”

Can this be true?

Seems legit (image source)

Seems legit (image source)

Later than night, JB is out to dinner to Dorian and trying to get him to sort his life out but people keep interrupting – they all want to meet Mrs Beacher.This particular face is pulled after the bimbo bartender wanders over for a hello.

DAMMIT DORIAN STOP BEING GRADY

DAMMIT DORIAN STOP BEING GRADY

“Oh she’s just like you described her,” she says. “Elegant as a duchess, soft as a kitten with eyes that smile with a child’s laughter.”

g2

“I’m not sure he remembers, Mrs Beacher, he was totally polluted at the time.” The bartender adds.

Life Lesson #44 - 'Polluted' is possibly the most adorable euphemism for drunk in history.

Life Lesson #50 – ‘Polluted’ is possibly the most adorable euphemism for drunk in history.

Dorian orders a double martini, which JB then changes to a single, saying “I don’t want you polluted with me.” BURN! They are soon joined by town dentist Doc Walker, who sidelines in asking people about their jewellery (sounds shady to me). Fortunately for JB further conversation is impossible after Nate Findlay arrives to tell Dorian to stay away from Sara, she’s private property, and “I know how to make a woman throb.”

Nope. I’m not okay with that sentence either. On behalf of decent human beings every Dorian punches Greg Brady in the face, proving he’s not a complete Grady just yet. A brawl breaks out and is only ended with the Sheriff comes in to hold Nate Findlay back.

JB tries to talk to Dorian but he tells her he’s too ashamed to talk, and that he’ll see her tomorrow. He walks over to Sara’s house but gets no response out of her, so continues on home. On the way he runs into a car load of Nate’s buddies from the pub, who gleefully throw a sabre at him and drive away. Soon after, the headless Brady horseman appears and charges at Dorian, who brandishes his sabre, takes aim, and then falls over and knocks himself out. He Gradyed that one.

The next morning, German Brian Blessed Dorn Van Strotter and Charlotte are alarmed to find Nate’s horse Gunshot still tacked up in the stables, with no sign of Nate. Dorian staggers in, demanding to see Nate but to no avail.

Meanwhile, JB is on her bike on the way to see Dorian but is held up by a police roadblock. The Sheriff leads JB, Charlotte and Dorian to his discovery: Nate Findlay will never become the HEAD of a corporation. He is HEADing in the wrong direction. He will never get aHEAD in life. To summarise: Greg Brady’s has had his head cut off. And yes, I am humming “Won’t Get Fooled Again” right now.

The Sheriff is convinced that Dorian is guilty, but JB runs logical rings around him in about thirty seconds. She points out how stupid it would be for Dorian to return to the scene of the crime, how stupid it is to cut someone’s head off (not wrong) and how stupid it is for Greg Brady to be wearing his boots on the wrong feet, and how stupid it is to think that Dorian would lie, Dorian doesn’t lie, and no she’s not saying that because she’s he’s mother because she’s not his mother!

Oops.

(I’m not gonna lie, I kind of do think Dorian is that stupid. But let’s just keep that between ourselves, okay?)

While Dorian mourns the fact that his future with Sara is in jeopardy and ignores the fact that he’s in jail for murder, JB goes to investigate Dorian’s news that Edwin Dupont nearly ran him over on his way home the previous night. Sara tries to cover for her father, and fails dismally. JB admits to her that she’s not really Dorian’s mother and Edwin appears, having just got off the phone with the sheriff. He registers his disapproval with her, Dorian and life in general but admits he was out driving to the school, having received an anonymous note that Charlotte was embezzling school funds. Because an anonymous note is always a reliable source.

JB goes up to the school, and after a failed interrogation with one of the students, JB decides to interrogate the horse, with difficulty,

But at least he's in a STABLE CONDITION! *drops mic*

But at least he’s in a STABLE CONDITION! *drops mic*

After the horse proves uncooperative, JB runs into German Brian Blessed Dorn Van Stotter who is equally uncooperative, He confirms he was not Nate Findlay’s biggest fan, but had no reason to kill him. He suggests JB goes and asks someone else.

JB takes him up on his suggestion and goes to see Charlotte, who notes that the visit must be due to the anonymous tip. She tells JB that there is a problem with the accounts, but that she only found out about it after Edwin Dupont rang her up to yell at her about it. Jess asks her if she thinks Nate Findlay is behind it, but Charlotte won’t be drawn into Nate’s death. JB takes a look at the note, and wonders at the terrible spelling – it might be a student, or it might be from someone who doesn’t speak the language well, and who (barely) looks like Brian Blessed.

Adjourning to the pub to consider her next move, JB finds a broken shell of a Dorian, miserable now that Sara won’t speak to him. Bobby the bartender tries to cheer him up and in doing so tells JB about how she saw Nate Findlay riding down the street in his horseman costume at 11:30 the night he died. Jess wonders where he went after he left the pub, but a howl from Dorian stops her in her tracks. It appears he’s done something to his tooth. How convenient, then, that there should be a dentist in this episode! While the Doc operates on Dorian’s face, JB asks him if he remembers anything about Nate Findlay that night, but he’s got nothing.

Dorn Van Stotter ain’t got nothing though. In fact, he has a bag. And he’s burying it, while one of the Children of the Corn students watches.

The next morning Charlotte tells JB that she’s discovered the embezzler – it’s Van Stotter. While Charlotte calls the Sheriff, JB pays the stables a visit, and comes across the Children of the Corn boys in their lair. They tell her that it was them who pulled the headless horseman stunt but only the flaming pumpkin incident. The second time was not them. One of the boys tells her about watching Van Stotter burying his sack in the dirt, and under the watchful eye of the Sheriff it gets retrieved. Alas, it’s not Gwenyth Paltrow’s Greg Brady’s head, but the missing school money. Van Stotter tells them that he stole the money in order to pay for a private detective to investigate his daughter’s death. He was convinced that there was a man with her the night the car went into the lake, but he wasn’t able to find out who.

JB knows, though. Because Van Stotter wasn’t the only person left broken hearted when the girl died. There was someone else.

Life Lesson #51 - ALWAYS SUSPECT THE DENTIST

Life Lesson #51 – ALWAYS SUSPECT THE DENTIST

To be fair to him, he only worked out Findlay killed his girlfriend the night Findlay died, when he saw a necklace he made for his girlfriend around the neck of the bartender, Bobby. Then, when he cracked a tooth brawling with Dorian, the Doc decided to take advantage of Nate’s need for dental work and killed him, removing his head to cover up his dental work.

But never mind all that, because I’ve just had AN AMAZING IDEA. Instead of bringing back Murder She Wrote, bring back the Brady Bunch but for the modern audience – Mike gets cancer, and so to keep the family together Alice resorts to cooking meth in an RV. We could call it BREAKING BRADY.

You’re welcome, television.

Later, Fletcherfans!

Later, Fletcherfans!