S10E16 – Time To Die


Welcome to the mean streets of New York Fletcherfans, where kids are graffitiing the streets and corrupt businessmen are racing pigeons to get their thrills.

Today’s example (out of the many thousands of similar pigeon-graffiti situations happening daily in 90s New York) sees Chris Garcia tagging away on buildings and then arguing with his creepy stepfather Frank Garcia (aka Chakotay from Voyager and this episode of MSW). Frank has a go at his stepson for not being man enough (#toxicmasculinityistoxic) but is called away when it’s revealed that local tagger ‘Choey’ (or Joey, or Shuey, I mean we’ll never know) is targeting Frank’s buildings to spray, and is also Chris. Frank thinks Chris needs to get a job, but Chris has decided to go back to school. To learn creative writing.

Alright, that came out wrong.

JB is delighted to welcome Chris to her class and looks forward to reading his short story. His friend and fellow student Alida Alvarez is stoked Chris is joining the class and super stoked about that week’s assignment – to write about five members of a family who have just discovered that a sixth member has just cheated them out of a fortune. “Can we include a crime?” Asks Alida.

The hell question is that though?

After class, Alida asks if Chris wants to grab a coffee, but Manny Castillo pops up to declare they have band practice and that she needs to go. Alida tells Chris they’ll catch up later. “Much later.” Says Manny.

Later that night there’s an anti-graffiti rally at the Koffee Kafe (owned by the Kardashians), where Alida and Manny’s band ‘Full Moon’ are performing. JB is in attendance with her friend Detective Sergeant Vince Lofton and they are Rocking Out.

Gettin down with the youngins 

And then Manny is unleashed.

You guys Manny is like the coolest.

Chris is also in the audience with his mother and Frank. Maria tells Chris to invite Alida to dinner, but Chris tells her she’s too busy. She says it doesn’t matter but Frank tells her to drop it.

Vince invites JB to dance to the next song, and explains that Alida’s father was his rabbi at the precinct when he first joined. When Alida’s father died Vince wanted to become Alida’s big brother, and Jessica tells him that Alida has mentioned it in her stories – that she feels pressured by this new-found big brother who wants her to go to college.

They are interrupted by Manny doing some crowd work, then inviting Principal Barbara Fisher to the stage. She just wants to mainly thank Frank Garcia for purchasing some infrared cameras that will help catch these damn punks tagging up the joint. Frank acknowledges the applause with a wave, but Jessica notices Vince isn’t clapping.

Barbara then invites cafe owner Mario Fernandez to the stage, where he announces Full Moon will have a two-week gig at the cafe. Manny announces they accept the job, but tells Mario he will need to get a better sound system if they are going to rock the house. And by they I mean he. And by house I mean Keytar.

After the set, Alida gets hit on by Frank in front of Maria and Chris. Chris asks his mother how she puts up with it, and she says ‘He is my husband.” Chris quite rightly storms out. Get it together Maria, geez.

At the buffet, Frank runs into Vince, who tells him to stay away from Alida. Frank tells him she can take care of herself, and Vince tells him if he keeps hitting on her, she won’t need to. Also, there’s good pie.

Later, Jess shares a cab home with Barbara Fisher, who it turns out went to college with JB. She gets dropped off first, and then is hit by a car as she’s crossing the street. The car zooms off but not before JB and a shadowy graffiti painter see the driver is Frank Garcia, and he’s not alone.

Spoiler alert the painter is Chris Garcia.

Down at the precinct Vince is stoked to think he’s finally going to be able to nail Frank Garcia, but there’s a hitch – one of his colleagues has just popped in to say that Frank is saying that his car was stolen and that he was at work with two colleagues at the time of the hit and run. JB is outraged but there’s nothing they can do unless they identify the passenger in the car or get a corroborative witness.

The next day Frank is up on the roof looking at birds (not code), in preparation for a pigeon race he’s having with Mario Fernandez. Chris asks him if he’s heard anything about his car, and Frank has not, nor is he worried. They argue again before Maria appears with breakfast. Chris says he hasn’t got time and jets off.

Back at House Fletcher Alida has popped round for a cup of tea and discovers that JB has submitted one of her short stories to her publisher for a future anthology and it has been accepted. Nothing is bringing Alida down now, except possibly talk of the hit and run. Jess is heading down to amend her statement and offers Alida a ride but she swiftly declines.

At the precinct, Vince returns Frank’s effects to him and also mentions he’s not so sure Frank’s alibi is so reliable. Frank isn’t buying it. He runs into JB as he leaves and tells her no hard feelings, people say things they don’t believe all the time.


Frank wanders off and Jess signs her amended statement. Vince shows her what they found in the car, and Jess notices a tube of lipstick. Vince tells her they are way ahead of her, it’s not Maria Garcia’s.

Down at Pigeon Racing HQ, which is apparently a thing, a bloke named Joe Mancuso is setting the clocks and getting things ready for Frank and Mario’s race the next day. Frank offers to increase the prizemoney to 10K which Mario accepts. He also offers to buy a couple of birds (again, not code) from Joe, but Joe essentially tells him to bugger off, he’s keeping the birds and giving their offspring to Chris.

Welcome to the cut throat world of pigeon racing.

The next day a huge mural depicting Frank Garcia as the driver involved in the hit and run is discovered on a wall, signed by Choey, Joey or Toey (aka Chris). Jessica notices something and takes one of the polaroids  with her as she rushes away to her office, where she compares the tag to Chris’s story. It’s a match people. Meanwhile over at the Montauk Pigeon Racing Club a pair of pigeons gets released and Mario calls Ben to tell him the time of release.

That night, at the Koffee Kafe

I mean come on.

Manny thanks Mario for the new sound system and asks how the race went. Mario tells him he thinks he won, but hasn’t heard from Frank yet. Barbara’s daughter Tammy tells JB that Barbara is out of the woods and is going to be fine, and that she’s off to the hospital now. Jessica notices that the tube of lipstick Alida is using matches the one found in Frank’s car and after some gentle but devastating questioning, Alida admits she was in the car but that Frank said if she mentioned anything to any one he’d kill her.

Alida and Jess pop round to tell Vince everything before heading over to Chris’s place to talk to him and arrest Frank. Chris admits to painting the graffiti, they go up onto the roof and find Frank’s body. The calvary roll in to investigate but there’s not a lot of clues. The pigeon clock stopped about 6:07pm, and couldn’t be tampered with. Vince tells his colleague to book Chris on graffiti violations and hold him for questioning.

After getting a stern talking to from Vince, Alida meets Tammy and Manny for coffee. Tammy stays long enough to say how glad she is that Frank’s dead before departing to the hospital to see her mother. Manny gives an envelope to Alida, it turns out to be what apparently passes for a publishing contract in this world. Manny asks her if this means she is quitting the band, and she says of course not.

“Go ahead, quit the band. You’re not that hot anyways” says Manny.

Manny is lying through his beautiful 90s hair.

Later, Vince calls JB to tell her they are probably going to book Chris for the murder, much to JB’s frustration. Maria goes to see Jessica at the school to talk to her but is interrupted by Mario Fernandez wanting to give her the 10K that Frank apparently won fair and square in the pigeon race, but Maria tells him she doesn’t want it and to give it to the church. She finally admits to JB that she didn’t get home until 6:45.

Vince is interested to hear this, and that Chris isn’t changing his story. He shows them footage of Chris climbing down from the fire escape shortly after Frank was shot, and Chris announces he wants to confess. After a harrowing adbreak, Jess correctly calls shenanigans on the whole thing and tells Chris there’s no way his mother killed Frank, he doesn’t need to cover for her. Relieved, he tells her the truth – he found Frank dead, scarpered down the fire escape and went for a walk before going home. JB believes him but she needs more proof. Chris asks her to call Joe Mancuso to get him to take care of the pigeons while he’s locked up, so she goes to see him and gets an idea about how the whole thing went down.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea if any of this is even remotely accurate, I’ve been playing air keytar for the last three hours.

Sure he did it.

Something something he owed Frank Garcia money because Frank was a loan shark, something something multiple pigeons shot him in the head something something.

Who cares. I think we know who the real killer is in this episode.


S10E15 – Murder on the Thirtieth Floor


Back to NYC this week Fletcherfans, where JB is meeting with her editor Edward Graham to discuss final changes on her new book. Edward, it turns out, has a bit going on at home – he’s being haunted by his dead wife. That old story. Also, he has a niece he didn’t know about, the daughter of a half-brother who died of a long lingering illness, but only just discovered after she wrote him a letter when his wife died.

Jess is nervous when his assistant tells her Edward made all of his notes the previous day but Edward announces he loves everything she did with the first round of changes and that he wouldn’t change another thing. To prove his point he throws a softball at Jessica’s head.

Sidenote, that colour is amazing

And with that, the meeting is over almost before it even begins and JB heads off to the library for a bit before meeting Carrie Benton that afternoon.

Carrie Benton, the newly promoted head of children’s books is chowing down on doughnuts with Steve DiNapoli when Edward storms in. Steve tells him it’s not what it looks like, he’s not trying to fatten up Edward’s girlfriend. Carrie thinks it’s hilarious but Edward informs them he’s seen funnier losers on Starsearch.

It’s raining zingers

Steve politely excuses himself and heads to the park to practice before the company softball game. Carrie wants to know why Edward is behaving this way and he freaks out and says he’d better go speak to his therapist about it then obviously.

Edward goes to visit his psychiatrist on the set of The Mask and doesn’t really get very far.

The psychiatrist is being played by Dennis Boutsikaris, a guy who has been in every TV show in the last ever.

Back at the office Jessica is grateful and horrified at the fact-checking Carrie did for her new book, but all Carrie wants to do is talk about Edwards late wife.  Jess explains that she introduced the two and wonders why Carrie is interested. Carrie explains to Jess that she and Edward are dating but that Edward has never taken her to the house in Connecticut. Jess explains that Edward stayed with his wife in the house until she died and never took any time off afterwards.

They are soon joined by company controller Leonard Ambler, who is looking for Edward. Carrie explains that he moved his regular late afternoon doctor’s appointment to be earlier because of the softball game and speaking of which she needs to get ready for that and would Jessica like to come down and watch.

Me when people ask if I watch the Bachelor

As Jess is getting ready to leave she runs into Edward’s niece Laurie, who asks Jess if she’s noticed anything different about Edward. Jess decides maybe today is a good day to die watch softball and joins them in LA’s approximate equivalent of Central Park.

While the game happens, Laurie explains to Jess that her uncle has been hearing the voice of his late wife Beth. Then some more softball happens.

This is me when my Mum informed me that I played softball for a year in high school. I have no memory of this (presumably because of my years of competitive drinking) but can only assume I was terrible because I can’t throw, catch, run or hit a ball. How this even came to happen I have no idea.

Steve Napoli gets caught at third base or something, Edward screams abuse at the ref and then fires  Steve for agreeing with the ref.

Things go from bad to worse. JB is summoned to Edwards office the next day where he informs her the new book is terrible and he is suspending publication until she can make it better.

I know this feeling well too.

Jess calmly leaves the office, while Edward hurls her manuscript at the wall.

Meanwhile in Carrie’s office Steve has dropped by before collecting his things and complain, which is probably valid. Leonard wanders in to say that termination papers haven’t been filed, but if Edward doesn’t want him around there’s not much to be done. Edward has more clout with the CEO Ted Hartley than anyone he knows.

Obviously Leonard has no idea what he’s talking about because Ted Hartley has heard about Jess and Edward’s exchange and has gone straight to her apartment to beg her not to leave. Not for nothing but Jess has a bit of a time with her publishers either dying or being arrested for murder. He is horrified when he hears the reason for Jess leaving and can’t understand it, he loves Jessica’s new book. Jess tells him she thinks Edward might be manic depressive, and Ted tells her Edward is seeing a shrink he’s never heard of.

Everything about this is screaming 1993, I like it.

Later than night Edward is at his desk writing an apology letter to JB. He was right the first time. (Damn straight). Exhausted, he falls asleep at his desk only to be woken by a phone call from his dead wife begging him to commit suicide. He gets up from his desk and walks to the elevator, ignoring the security guard who tells him that Ted and everyone else on the top floor has gone home for the day.

Edward goes up to the roof and stands on the edge, looking confused. A shadowy figure emerges and shoves him over the edge.

Everyone is summoned to the office the next day where Lieutenant Nick Acosta (previously seen here as Acosta, here as someone else and as headless Kawalsky in Stargate) informs them of the sad news and to see what they know of the sorry tale. Jess explains her run-in with him the previous day, and Carrie tells them that Edward had called her to make dinner plans, but when she arrived at the restaurant the maitre’d told her that Edward called to say he’d be late. He’d arranged to have her favourite flowers and wine waiting for her. Jess thinks that this doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a man about to end his life but Lieutenant Acosta says the security guard saw him go up to the roof alone. He lets everyone leave but asks JB to stay – they found Edward’s note addressed to her. Jess tells him it’s just a memo but Acosta warns her to stay out of the case anyway.

Back at home JB meets with Edward’s lawyer Henry Filbert, who comes round to discuss JB’s duties as executor. The insurance company will take care of the life insurance policy, JB just has to notify the beneficiaries. Apart from a sister in Pittsburgh everyone else is in NYC and JB decides to tell them in person what they were left in the will.

First up is the long lost niece Laurie, who is sad. It happened so quick, it was like losing her father all over again, she tells Jess. Edward left her his stereo and CD collection, and she seems pleased.

Next is Dr Santana, the psychiatrist who is delighted when JB hands him his bequest – a pocket watch. Jessica is interested in what Edward was seeing Santana for, but the doc ain’t talking, suffice to say he wasn’t concerned about Edward telling him he was hearing the voice of his late wife. Jess notices the piles of herbs and the blender, and Santana offers a sample but she declines. She asks him how Edward came to be a patient of his and he says he was referred by someone else at the publishing office, Stephen DiNapoli.

Jess is intrigued and goes to tell Stephen of his inheritance – all of Edwards books. He’s amazed, and has no idea where he’s going to put them all (amen to that my friend). Jess asks him about the referral and he tells her that he was seeing Dr Santana to quit smoking – it was all weird herbs and post hypnotic suggestion and he quit smoking just so he could stop going. Carrie walks in to show off her newest project and JB tells her what she’s inherited from Edward – the house in Connecticut.

And you get a house! And you get a house! And you get a house!

Up at the fancy house Jess is on the hunt for clues. She finds Laurie’s letter to Edward and declares it to be sweet. The power goes out, but they continue on to the kitchen where Jessica finds the herbs she was looking for. She starts to gather samples to give to Lieutenant Acosta when they hear footsteps upstairs. Jess tells Carrie to call 911 but the phone is dead. A shadowy figure comes down the stairs, hears Carrie and Jessica and takes off back up them. He goes out onto the balcony, climbs down and then gets into a car. Jess and Carrie hear the tyres spin and relax. Carrie is done and wants to see her new house on a sunny afternoon but JB wants to know what was so interesting upstairs. They go into Edwards bedroom, follow a wood putty trail of breadcrumbs to a hole drilled in the bedhead and a piece of copper wire down the back of the mattress.

The phone rings – it’s Lieutenant Acosta looking for JB. She tells him what they’ve found and that she’s almost certain they have Dr Santana dead to rights. Acosta tells her that’s an interesting choice of words – Santana has just turned up dead, bludgeoned to death in his apartment.


A suspicious JB heads over to Santana’s office where she meets Mel the super/janitor/whoever he is. A bit of fast talking about paint colours and her ten cup coffee pot gets her into Santana’s office, where she calls Nick Acosta. Lucky for her he’s already there and has come to the same conclusion she has – the Doc was drugging Edward and causing his mania. They have no idea who killed Santana though, so JB takes a look at Santana’s computer files and sees a familiar name. Acosta, flicking through a book, says at least they both went quick and Jessica informs him that they now have everything they need to catch the killer and his sidekicks.

Knew it. Always be suspicious of sweet people. (Just kidding, that’s terrible advice)

Laurie, it turns out was not Edward’s niece but an actress hired to pretend to be Edward’s dead wife. She tells them she had nothing to do with any murders, which JB kind of agrees with, her partner saw to that side.

Plot twist! Did not see this coming, I’ll be honest.

The three of them came together when Leonard saw how much Edward’s insurance policy was worth, and so a plan was born.

Speaking of inheritances though, during the two months of shenanigans and no blog my grandfather passed away (he would have been 96 this week), and my inheritance from him…well…

Everyone’s a critic…


Later gang!

S10E14 – Deadly Assets


Happy Eurovision Fletcherfans. I was going to do my usual post-Eurovision analysis but Twitter has left such a bad taste in my mouth that honestly I’m just not going to bother.

In the non-EU country of Cabot Cove, someone is breaking into a safe down at the Lomax sheet metal factory oh God I’m already bored. The thief nicks off with a suitcase full of sweet cash dollar before Deputy Andy arrives.

Yeah, he is.

Meanwhile, JB and Mort are plotting a surprise birthday dinner party for Seth and are trying to coordinate gift-buying plans so that they don’t double up, bless them. It would appear that Seth has a similar attitude towards his birthday that I do to mine (except I completely forgot mine was even happening). The birthday boy himself wanders in to see what’s going on, but Jess informs him she’s chatting to Mort about storm windows and finalising dinner party plans. Mort gets a call from Andy and heads down to the crime scene, while Seth tells Jess he thinks it’s ridiculous for Jess to be throwing a dinner party with all that she has on – there’s no reason for it, it’s not like there’s an anniversary coming up. Or a birthday.

Jess is not buying into Seth’s nonsense.

Down at the crime scene the owner of Lomax Sheet Metal, Sanford Lomax, is telling Mort that only about $300 dollars were taken which is about $50,000 short of being true. He also says the knife that was used was his. Mort gives the knife to Andy to dust for prints and tells Sanford he’s sorry this happened. Andy feels terrible, if he’d been able to get there sooner he could have caught the guy.

“Maybe next time.” Says Sanford in a ringing endorsement for Cabot Cove crime levels.

As Mort and Andy depart, Sanford gets a call from the mafia wanting to know where their money is. He tells them there’s been a tiny hiccup, but not to worry the kid who took the money will be terrified and he’ll sort it out. The mafia will have their money in the morning. Mafia guy gets off the phone and tells his goon they have a problem.

He’s no Harry McGraw but he’s okay.

That is, of course, Charlie Garratt, last seen here and currently just chillin’ between cases. His phone rings and it’s Sanford wanting him to come up and investigate a case of industrial espionage. Charlie’s not interested until he gets promised his usual fee plus 50%.

Back in the Cove Jess is shopping for Seth’s birthday present down at Celia’s Antique Store where Celia’s daughter Libby sells paintings as well as works for the Cabot Cove Hall of Records, and her brother Harvey works for Sanford Lomax. Celia meanwhile is PISSED AS HELL with Jessica for sending a late thank you note four years ago.

My face during this whole scene.

Down at the docks Sanford goes to confront the thief, Walter Perry, who it turns out just so happens to be engaged to Libby Terhune I mean what were the odds. Sanford demands his money back but Walter tells him he knows nothing about it and besides there was only $300 missing, what’s the big deal?

Down at the soon to be relocated Hall of Records office, Libby is packing things into boxes when Walter drops in to tell her what he did. She tells him to go to the cops but he says he can’t – clearly whatever Sanford is into is illegal and Walter is now a witness of sorts to that so basically, they’re in big trouble. Before Libby can continue Jess pops up to ask for her trust deed. Libby walks with her to the front desk where she’s stashed it for her. Harvey turns up to grab more office supplies to take back to Celia and offers to give Libby a lift. Walter stashes the backpack (with 900K in it) in one of the filing cabinets and leaves the office.

Charlie Garrett watches Walter get into his car and drive away, and also watches the mafia goon Oscar Gandile follow him. He goes to follow too, but crashes into Seth who needless to say has some strong opinions.

Seth’s about to go nuclear.

It’s only when Jessica recognises Charlie that he’s off the hook. He pops round to House Fletcher for a cup of tea and to get the goss from JB about Walter. Jess tells him he had a rough start (orphaned, raised by his grandmother who died recently). Charlie thinks JB isn’t telling him everything and Jess isn’t saying anything until Charlie tells her who he is working for.

Should have put a few more As in there, but Eurovision has really soured my mood.

Starting to smell a rat, Charlie pays Sanford a visit who swears it’s 100% not about mafia work, he nabbed classified documents from some friends at the defence department and that’s what Walter stole and he needs them back. Charlie stashes a bug under Sanford’s desk and tells him he saw the Mafia guy also following Walter.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Jess is begging Mort to have a chat with Walter, she’s concerned for him. Seth is starting to get suspicious about Mort and JB’s scheming and plotting and suspects birthday involvement.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media at the best of times but today is firmly on the negative side

Andy tells Mort that Walter’s place has been broken into and trashed as has his boat (it turns out). Mort visits him on the boat but Walter swears he has no idea why and he swears he had nothing to do with the break-in at Sanford’s. Mort tells him to think hard about it and leaves him on the boat, casually being surveilled by Oscar and Charlie.

Mort’s next visit is to Libby Trehune but she gives him nothing. Celia wants to know what’s going on and reminds Libby about some other dude she could marry but she storms out, leaving Harvey to calm Celia down.

Sidebar: this outfit.

I mean a tie matching a waistcoat…you do you, Celia.

Meanwhile, Mort fills JB in on what he’s discovered. Jess says she’ll swear in court that Walter’s fish knife was missing and that she’s sure it’s the one that was used in the break-in. Mort wonders why Sanford said it was his, and Jessica tells him she’s starting to wonder about this Sanford Lomax, and that possibly Mort’s mate in the Chicago PD that told him all about Charlie and his misdemeanours could fill him in.

Later that night Charlie observes Walter breaking into the Cabot Cove Hall of Records before being clocked on the head by Oscar Gandile. Inside, Walter has just discovered his backpack full of money is missing when he hears someone come into the outer office. There are noises and Oscar Gandile falls to the floor, quite dead.

The next morning Seth is grumping around at JB’s while she’s trying to get hold of Charlie Garrett when the man himself wanders in with jelly doughnuts. Before he can explain himself Mort calls looking for Seth – they’ve just found a dead body down at the hall of records but they can’t identify him. Charlie takes that as his cue to leave.

After examining the body Seth tells Mort the mystery man died between 1 and 5pm. Mort is rather keen to speak to Charlie Garrett and gets Andy to put out an APB on him. Libby tells JB that she knows nothing about anything and flees before Jessica can question her further.

Jess decides to pop round to see Sanford Lomax who tells her he knows nothing about nothing, and if Walter knows something he’d better come forward or else some people that Sanford knows nothing about will do something drastic

All JB wants to do is have some quiet time in the Cove and throw a goddamn dinner party, is that so much to ask?

Sanford tells Jess if she tells the Sheriff anything he’ll deny the conversation ever happened. Jess has already spotted Charlie’s bug under the desk and so couldn’t really care less about that. Charlie is, of course, listening to the whole conversation and thinks JB is a gutsy lady.

Jess goes to see Celia but Libby’s not there either. Mort also drops by looking for her – it turns out Walter’s prints are the only ones on the murder weapon.

Walter and Celia are going to make a break for it, but Walter doesn’t want to leave without the money and he figures the only person who could have it is Sanford Lomax. He busts in on Sanford and the mafia guys duking it out about the money but before it can kick off Mort and Andy burst in and arrest everyone just to be on the safe side. Charlie, still listening, wonders where the hell the money is.

Down at the Sheriff’s office Mort is pissed he has to let Sanford and the mobsters go, but Walter is giving him nothing. Jess gently suggests the Witness Protection Program, and Walter finally explains everything – he didn’t kill Oscar, he was in the next room. And the money is still missing.

Jess returns home to discover Charlie chilling in her lounge room. He swears he doesn’t know who the killer is or where the money is. It’s only when Charlie starts slicing an apple that Jess works it out.

Apple cutting is a lot like paper cutting, it turns out.

Because of course

These are the things that happen when you steal mob money. I’m still trying to get my head around Celia being pissed about a late thank you note. WHY WAS THAT EVEN IN THE SHOW I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Later gang!


S10E13 – Portrait of Death


It’s a cold and dreary day in New York, probably and Jess has just popped into an art gallery to do a spot of shopping when she bumps into former Cabot Cove resident and current lottery winner Kim Mitchell aka Loretta Swit.

The *other* Queen of Cabot Cove

Kim immediately invites Jessica to lunch with herself and her stepbrother Mark but JB has to pop by the copy place first, her printer is on the fritz.

Over lunch, JB chats to Kim, Mark, and Mark’s gold-digging girlfriend Teddy Grace (who the hell calls their child Teddy?). Mark has been living off Kim’s money for a while but wants to try and go to college, but Teddy is in it for the cash dollar. When Mark tells Kim he’s thinking of getting his own place, Teddy chimes in with how they found a delightful little place that only wanted $50K up front. Mark gives her a look and says he was planning to rent.

It’s fruit salad, it’s fine.

Kim reveals that she’s found it difficult to trust anyone of the romantic male variety since she got cashed up, but that she’s met a delightful stockbroker named Bert Lown who refuses to take her on as a client. She’s very much in love.

Doomed. #Cynic

Kim goes home to get back to work on her newest sculpture which Bert calls a triumph. He’s had no luck finding Mark a job but he’ll keep looking. Meanwhile, Kim is also heavily involved in a charity art auction to benefit a school and has roped Jess into donating. Jess calls the gallery to let the owner, Philip Jovet know what she will be donating but he doesn’t seem terribly excited.

JB has no time for ingratitude.

Back at Kim’s fancy digs, Kim, Mark, Teddy and Bert are all toasting to the success of the auction with the school principal, Dr Swope. Philip Jovet pops around with a painting for Kim (a gift, after she accused him of ripping her off on another deal), and suggests they speak the following week about Kim exhibiting at his gallery. Mark thinks Philip is a scam artist and Bert has his own reservations. Teddy is just gobbling canapes like it’s a wedding.

Except I will be installed near the entrance so I can swoop on the canapes as they arrive.

The next day JB drops the painting off at the gallery to a frankly tepid response from Philip. Another art collector, Sondra Arthur, donates a painting she bought from Philip 5 years earlier and jokes to JB that this way she can call it a tax write-off.

Kim’s…I don’t know, maid? Frances brings a sculpture to donate to the auction. Side note, she looks so much like Catherine O’Hara that I no longer know what is real.

Wait, is it even Catherine O’Hara I’m thinking of?

That night, the auction to benefit the kids of the Willow Gardens School gets underway with a presentation from Doctor Swoop and a thank you to Kim Mitchell for her already generous donation. JB’s lobster still life is up first, and despite Philip’s snobbery sells for $1000.

And in my case, everything means canape acquisition

Dr Swoop busts a move on Sondra while the next piece, Kim Mitchell’s sculpture, is snapped up by Bert for $500. Confusion reigns when the next piece is not the painting Sondra Arthur donated. Philip says they’ll sort it out later and smoothly moves on to the next piece, which Teddy drunkenly bids $2500 on, saying Kim can pay for it. Philip spots her in the crowd and quickly declares the painting sold.

Champagne in one hand, canape in the other…the only difference is she’s at an auction and I’m on eBay randomly buying shoe racks (this is a true story)

After the auction concludes, Mark tries to get Teddy to leave but Philip spots him and insists on payment. Mark insists Philip get his hands off Mark, and to stay away from his sister.

A scuffle ensues.

But I have no interest in other peoples money. I barely have an interest in my own, which is partially the problem.

Mark is escorted out by security, followed by Teddy (but not before she loads up on more canapes. Teddy’s got canape game and I respect it). Bert, Jess and Dr Swoop reassure Kim, and Bert says he’ll pay for Teddy’s gaffe.

After the gallery closes, Philip tells Dr Swoop that they raised $220K. Dr Swoop calculates the gallery commission to be 10% but Philip informs him it’s now 50% – he’s made some phone calls, but he hasn’t made one to the police. Yet.

Back at House Mitchell, Teddy is set to watch the basketball but Mark decides to go out and get the late papers to get a jump on the job applications. Teddy chucks a tantrum and tells Mark not to expect her there when he gets back.  Frances arrives home just as the pair of them storm out. Meanwhile. Philip reassures Sondra over the phone about the loss of her painting and says the police will be in touch. He’s about to call it a night when he gets another call, and while he’s expecting it to be someone called Reynolds, this time it’s JB. She left a manuscript in his cloakroom.

Philip tells her they found it and just asking when JB can come and pick it up when someone comes up behind him and stabs him to death with Kim Mitchell’s sculpture. Something something deadly art….nope, I’ve got nothing.

The next day, JB is summoned to the gallery by Artie Gelber who declares JB to be his leading ear-witness.

Nice one Stan.

Artie is convinced the murder was a robbery gone wrong, but Jess doesn’t think so – there’s plenty of expensive portable art kicking around and none of that was taken. Lieutenant Henderson pops up to tell them that there were no signs of forced entry, but that there was a painting taken earlier in the day. Artie can make head nor tail of it, and to make matters worse he was pickpocketed coming in. To make them even worse, Henderson thinks they won the lottery but of course the ticket is in Artie’s wallet.

Across town, Dr Swoop continues his moves on Sondra Arthur, while Kim Mitchell struggles to make sense of it all. Artie arrives to ask Jess why she never told him about Mark tussling with Philip. She apologises but didn’t think it was relevant. Bert tells Artie there must have been a long list of people wanting to whack Philip, he had the reputation of a pickpocket.

Poor Artie

Mark has an excuse for why his fingerprints are on the murder weapon but no alibi for the time of the murder. When he’s caught out in a lie about having dinner with Teddy, he tells them he went to see Philip to get Bert’s cheque back but that Philip wasn’t having it. Mark got angry and left. Artie asks him if he killed Philip and Mark just walks away.

Down at the precinct Teddy apologises for fouling up Mark’s alibi but gets annoyed when Kim wants to know where she was at the time of the murder. “Did you just fall out of a tree?” Squawks Teddy.

My favourite type

JB notices Bert’s name in a copy of the Wall Street Journal that Teddy had. Kim figures Bert was giving her stock tips, which he later confirms. Over at the precinct, Artie is copping a bollocking from his wife who was just dragged by store security at Bloomingdales for using a credit card Artie thought was in his wallet and cancelled.

Over at Kim’s JB is about to say goodbye when Artie and Mark turn up. The good news is Mark’s off the hook, they found witnesses to him leaving the gallery. The bad news is that they’ve just discovered Philip spent a holiday in Bar Harbour with someone with the initials KM.


Bert frowns and says it changes nothing, they were together all evening eating dinner at Grand Central Station. Kim admits to going to the gallery to try and sort things out but the gallery was locked. Artie shrugs and says he knows she was given a key by Philip after their holiday.

Back down at the precinct, Henderson wants an update on his lottery ticket but JB wants an update on the missing painting. Artie has nothing on both. JB wonders if the Reynolds that was noted on Philips planner and mentioned on the phone wasn’t an artist agent but a law agent. Artie thinks it’s worth investigating and calls the FBI who confirm Reynolds is in their fugitive division (side note, there’s only one Reynolds in the FBI?)

Unfortunately, he doesn’t know why Philip called him, he just received a message that Philip wanted to talk.  Artis is now officially more confused than ever. JB still thinks there’s something up with the missing painting and goes to see Sondra who tells her she bought it on Philip’s recommendation for $50K but that it was only worth five grand now. She would get her money back through insurance, so she’s not upset to lose the painting but she is upset not to have contributed to the auction so she’s mailing a cheque to the school. She shows JB the newsletter they gave out at the auction and JB realises Dr Swoop might not be all he says he is. A quick call to Willow Gardens School confirms it – Dr Swoop is a goddamn liar.

Jess wanders over to the offices of Bert Lown and Associates and is surprised to see the name being taken off the door. The super tells her the offices are just short-term rentals, and the office is so small the associates must have been working on margins. Get it? Because stockbrokers?

One does not simply Horatio Kane.

JB calls Artie and fills him in and he says he’s on it – but first, he just needs to go deal with the pickpocket who just waltzed into the lottery office to claim his millions. He arrives at the hotel Lown and the fake Doctor are staying at just as they are walking out the door with their money. But JB doesn’t think they killed Philip, and a stray comment from Artie jogs her memory…

I don’t know what I mean anymore. I need coffee.

Frances, it turns out, is the subject of the missing painting, and is also a convicted felon on the run for murder, and bumped off Philip because he recognised her.

And in the end, Kim’s got a one-woman show in San Francisco to put together, Mark has dumped Teddy for a college degree, and – after discovering Artie’s wallet down the back of his chair –  Artie and Henderson are not millionaires after all.

All is right with the world again.

Later gang!