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S10E20 – A Murderous Muse

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It’s just another night on West 64th Street. A busker is busting out some funky clarinet moves while up in the penthouse a girl is busting out some classical on the piano. The jam session is cut short by Tommy Wisseau Byron Tokofsky slamming the lid down and ordering the girl, Leslie Walden back to bed. She is recording in the morning.

PS OMG Leslie Walden is being played by Jenny Lewis ARGH WHAT IS HAPPENING.

A few levels down from the penthouse, JB is just chillin casual-like as depicted by the cardigan casually draped over her shoulders.

Casual perfection, frankly

She is loving the clarinet performance happening outside, but Richie the super tells her that not everyone is so appreciative, and Byron Tokofsky has put in numerous complaints. Jess is trying to get Leslie to perform at a benefit she is organising however it’s all going to come down to whether Byron is in the mood.

The next day Leslie hits the recording studio, while a crowd of people (including JB obvs) watch on. Byron is unhappy because Byron is always unhappy. Specifically, he thinks Leslie fluffed the recording, and her manager, Owen McLaglen has done a lousy job with the promo artwork for the album cover and whatnot. Seriously, I haven’t seen The Room but Byron is basically old man Tommy Wisseau in my head.

Nailed it, probably.

JB pops into the booth to see the head of Leslie’s label, Steven Hoyt, who is ranting and raving about Byron’s crazy control freak ways. Jess quietly points out that it’s a little unusual for the head of the label to also be sound engineering and producing the album. But, if it gets Leslie’s album perfect it will be worth it.

Jess knows what’s up.

Jess goes to try and wrangle a commitment to the museum benefit out of Byron but he’s not having a bar of it. Jess is persistent but is cut off when the clarinet player turns up. “Hello angel,” he says to Leslie. He goes to grab Leslie’s hand but Byron swats his hand away. Leslie announces she will share a cab back to the apartment with JB and rushes out. Byron sticks around to smack talk the man, who turns out to be Leslie’s father Frank. In the booth, Steven eavesdrops furiously.

Back at Casa de Fletcher Jess introduces Leslie to her neighbour Solly Prinze, another musician who is helping JB learn a bit of piano for a book she’s prepping. Solly says he’s shared an elevator with Leslie many times and asks her out to dinner. She says maybe, and bids Jessica goodnight. Jess reconfirms her lesson with Solly the next day.

Up in the penthouse, Byron is making plans with his butler, whose name is Bok and the less that’s said about that the better frankly. Byron orders Leslie to join him in a toast, and casually busts some moves on her – Leslie is turning 18 soon and will no longer be his ward, so we all know what that means. Leslie hightails it to her bedroom, while a woman, Vanessa Cross, moves in on Byron to bust some moves of her own. He tells her she has an apartment and a generous allowance, what else does she want? Meanwhile, Leslie puts in a quick call to Owen looking for support but he can’t get the dollar signs out of his eyes.

Sidenote, I just finished reading Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates and it was amazing and got all my feminist rage riled up. Again. But you know. #notallmen.

There’s a party on, and while Byron stalks the crowd looking for Leslie, Jessica has been bailed up by some dude who wants to mansplain her writing to her.

Me, basically always.

Meanwhile, on his search for Leslie, Byron fires Owen because he’s Byron then tries to get into the credenza to get a program for a little old duck but has no luck. You better believe that’s going to come up again later.

Leslie, it turns out, has gone to see Solly play with his jazz band. After his set, they bond over samosas and their love of music and frankly, it’s adorable. Later that night, Leslie falls asleep listening to Solly’s CD and Byron storms in, yelling at her for embarrassing him in front of his guests. He tells her he’s going to make a woman of her and they will be married in Munich in September.

This guy can’t die soon enough, to be honest.

Frank Walden inexplicably sees the whole thing go down and goes to drink his sorrows away in the neighbourhood bar. Vanessa finds him there and tells him about the marriage plot. She wants to marry Byron, (you need help lady), and she wants to help Frank stop the whole thing.

The next morning Leslie meets with her father, who apologises for the drugs and the alcohol and wants to make things right. Leslie isn’t having a bar of it and tells her father she never wants to see him again.

Jessica is having her lesson with Solly (“C sharp is the same as D flat? There’s something very suspicious about that!”) when there’s a knock at the door – it’s a tearful Leslie looking for some patented JB sympathy. Solly excuses himself, but not before reminding Leslie he owes her dinner. Leslie apologises to JB for the stuff around with the museum benefit, and JB says not to worry – but that’s not why Leslie is there. Leslie explains her father wants her back in his life and she doesn’t know what to do.

Across town, Owen summons Steven to a quick meeting to inform him that another record company has offered more money for Leslie’s contract and Byron is set to sign, despite his agreement with Steven’s label. Steven freaks but Owen says not to worry, he has a good relationship with Leslie, he’ll straighten it out. He somehow forgets to mention that Byron fired him the previous night.

Later that night, Jessica goes to see Byron to try and get Leslie at the benefit, and also to deliver a package that was left for him downstairs, some sheet music as it turns out. Byron says the benefit isn’t happening, and to butt out of his business. As Jessica leaves, she hears Byron start to play the music and winces as he hits a bung note.

And by a bung note I mean he dead now. And there was such mourning.

The next day JB gives a statement to Lieutenant DiMartini, but it doesn’t help. Byron’s been shot but they don’t know more than that. DiMartini has been told that Leslie’s father gave her a bunch of compositions before he left, which Byron then appropriated but JB doesn’t know anything about that. She does know that Leslie’s missing and messed up. Before she leaves, JB gives Vanessa her condolences. Downstairs Solly finds Leslie slumped in the hallway weeping, and brings her inside.

That night Owen and Steven meet. Neither of them has heard from Leslie and they are starting to grow suspicious of each other. Steven thinks it’s a tad suspicious that Owen was out of a job and is suddenly running things, and thinks it’s all suss. Owen says he’s sending the papers over tomorrow, sign or don’t sign.

Jess arrives home from the supermarket, flicks on the TV and sees DiMartini announcing that Frank Walden has been arrested for Byron’s murder. Solly appears at her door, confesses that Leslie has been with him most of the day but is now missing. Jess tells him to go home and she’ll let him know if she hears anything…then literally hears piano music coming from the penthouse. Leslie tells Jess that she doesn’t remember much, she just rode the subway for a bit and then walked. She’s surprised her father did it, but she’s not interested in hearing from anyone else. Jess promises she will take Leslie to see her father in the morning.

While Leslie and Frank have a tearful reunion, JB discusses the case with DiMartini. DiMartini is less than convinced about Frank’s guilt, but he can’t see another suspect. Jessica thinks it’s ridiculous that Frank’s fingerprints were all over the rooftop opposite the penthouse but not on the gun. She’s starting to wonder about that mysterious sheet music that Byron received and asks DiMartini for a copy.

Back at House Fletcher, JB, Leslie and Solly play the sheet music and are confused when there’s a bung note in it.

Wait he was shot by a wineglass?

Jessica has an epiphany, throws Solly and Leslie out, and calls DiMartini.

It’s Fletchertime

Anyway, long story short…

Because sure

But also

Because of course.

These two bright sparks teamed up to eliminate a common enemy, i.e Byron (it turns out Vanessa was set to inherit a whole bunch). So Steven built a magical contraption into the credenza that opened the door and fired a gun whenever the bung note was played.

For those who are interested, scroll down to see a cat ranking of this episode (I so nearly got through it while she was asleep honestly it’s like having a baby in the apartment)

Later gang!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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S10E19 – Roadkill

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JB is at mission control this week Fletcherfans, where she’s researching her newest book about a space detective solving international crimes wait why isn’t that an actual thing?

Jessica is getting all the deets of the Apollo missions from Juan Ramez when a call comes in from Sam Mercer, making sure that JB is getting the full NASA experience and also to let Juan know that his computers are ready to be shipped. Guys, I’m not going to lie, I am hungover as all hell. Also the cat has deleted this like twice now, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Anyway, the computers are being shipped by Wayne Platte, the newly widowed husband of one of JB’s old friends. As he’s making the trip the truck gets hijacked by your nightmares.

That mask is fifty shades of hell no.

Meanwhile, at Willie’s Roadhouse, there’s a whole lot of Texas going on.

You’re the Good Ol Boys?????

Jess is escorted to her table by the aforementioned Willie to see Wayne’s son Rob perform. After the song, Rob comes down to greet Jess and his waitress girlfriend Cindy but is called away by a phone call about the hijacking. Rob and Jess rush to the scene and find Wayne battered and crotchety. Sheriff Jim Monday is on the case, but wonders why the hijackers targeted a truck in broad daylight on a main highway.

Also, the Sheriff is Hitchcock from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

God I knew he looked familiar.

Wayne explains he was hauling computers to NASA from Sam Mercer’s computer factory so they head on over there, where Sam Mercer is being played by Gary Lockwood from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Also sprach Zathafletcher.

Sam does not blame Wayne, but he’s worried. The NASA project is already behind, and if he can’t come through on the computers his company is in big trouble. He knows Wayne’s struggling too. Rob swears he never said a word, and wants to make sure that Plat Trucks can move the next shipment but Wayne declares he won’t accept handouts and he won’t ask for any either.

At home, Sheriff Monday wants to make sure Wayne doesn’t want to change his statement – he knows Wayne had his truck insured and would get a brand new one if it was stolen. Wayne is outraged. Later, Wayne confesses to JB that he’s in struggle town with the business. Jess asks what about Rob, but Rob is busy being a country and western star.

Meanwhile, the head hijacker is reporting to his boss – Willie from the roadhouse. She’s furious that they attacked Wayne and the hijacker – Randy Jinks – needs some help. Randy says he won’t work with anyone he can’t trust, and assumes Willie would not want him mentioning her name if he got arrested. She tells him she can make his life very uncomfortable in jail.

Randy vents his frustrations on his ex-wife Cindy, who isn’t having a bar of it. When it gets physical Rob steps in and the brawl only breaks up when Willie poor water on the both of them. Rob storms out to his truck, closely followed by Cindy, and it is revealed that Wayne doesn’t know about Rob’s relationship with Cindy the single mother.

In my defence, it’s not my fault the bartender was giving me jugs of cider instead of pints. Or that the Australia v France game was really close. I mean probably I didn’t need to drink the entire jug but whatever it’s fine.

Down at Platte Trucking HQ Wayne’s in a foul mood and his financial woes are going from bad to worse. Rob offers to ride shotgun to mitigate against insurance company cancelling their cover but Wayne spits it and storms into his office. Meg Thomas the office manager is worried about him.

Randy takes the computers to the local reseller who is impressed to see the Mercer towers, what with their 500 megabytes of ram and 10 gigaflops per second. They’re worth 19 grand on the street but the store owner knows full well they are stolen and won’t give randy more than 2900 each.

Out on the main street, Willie runs into Meg and reminds her that payment is due. Meg says she’ll get the money Friday and Willie tells her not to forget the late charge – it’s not her fault Wayne couldn’t pay Meg just as it wasn’t her fault Meg nabbed 20 grand from the trucking company. A smug Willie goes about her business, as a stranger gets off a bus and stares after her.

I don’t think we’re ready for this jelly.

Mr Moustache, aka Lance Taggart, pops round to see Willie at the roadhouse who isn’t enthused to see him and tells him to jog on.

Jess goes to see Monday and tells him that Juan confirmed the computers weren’t valuable to anyone outside NASA. Monday thinks this confirms his theory that Wayne staged the hijacking to collect on the insurance but JB ain’t buying it.

Rob decides the best way to tell his Dad about Cindy is if she’s his fiancee, so he ducks round and proposes. Jess asks Meg if Wayne had any enemies that might want him out of the way, or if he’d borrowed money from the wrong people. Meg baulks at the second question and says it might be possible. Jess spots a foam piece in the shape of a computer tower in the back of a truck and asks who it belongs to but Meg doesn’t know.

Back at the roadhouse, Randy ‘Hi’ Jinks thinks he’s a really clever boy. He tells Willie he couldn’t offload the TV’s they had so he’ll try and fence them in Houston. Also, hey this is Lance Taggart maybe he can help us. Willie orders him out and Lance tells her Randy took the TV’s for himself, she needs his help and all it will cost is 10% cut, 5% if he gets her too.

Ten per cent it is, says Willie.

That face! That hair!

Rob finally breaks the news to Wayne, who thinks it’s outrageous that his son is hooking up with a woman who cut and ran when things got tough (read: she got beat up). Rob hurls his keys at Wayne and tells him see ya never. Later, Wayne goes down to the roadhouse and offers Cindy money to back off. Good guy, Wayne. Willie thinks this is exactly the right time to hit on Wayne but he won’t have a bar of it.

Jess goes to see Wayne at Platte HQ to tell him about her theory regarding the hijacking but Wayne has an accident and is rushed off to hospital. Later that night he tells Meg to cancel the runs, he’s closing the business. Rob appears and tells him not to worry, he’ll do the run instead. Jess gets ready for bed and sees Wayne go out into the night.

Down at the roadhouse, Randy gets a call and agrees to get on to it. It turns out to be getting run over by the truck (and shout out to the mannequin they used to perform the stunt may it rest in pieces).

Jess is down at the Sheriff’s office learning that the truck she saw belonged to Randy Jinks when word gets out about the hit and run. They head down to the crime scene where Jess spots some blood and a TV repair receipt in Randy’s truck and Monday’s deputy finds part of a Platte logo on the road. They head over to Platte HQ where Rob declares he has nothing to hide and agrees to head down to the Sheriff’s office. Jess confronts Wayne about seeing him leave and he tells her he went to see his wife’s grave. Sam Mercer pops up and offers to pay for a lawyer but Wayne doesn’t accept charity but he will accept a lift into town.

Lance confronts Willie about the murder, and they accuse each other of killing Randy. Willie decides this means they are both in the clear. Lance still thinks it’s time he bails but Willie offers 15% (including her).

Jess takes herself down to the video/computer repair shop and tricks the smart repair guy into confessing that Randy was trying to sell him the NASA computers but they were faulty and worthless, even less than what Jess was told they were worth.

I won’t lie this image is less about the episode and more about my current status

Down at the Sheriff’s office, things are going bad to worse for Rob. The sticker places him at the scene, the tyre tracks place him at the scene, and forensics just pulled blood from the front of the truck. Jess goes to see Willie to get her thoughts on Randy running a hijacking ring but Willie tells her Randy needed help to tie his shoes. Willie is convinced that Rob and Randy were fighting over Cindy so Rob took a side trip on his run to kill Randy.

This gives JB an idea and she goes to Platte HQ to look at the trip logs and sure enough they’ve been messed with. Sheriff Monday is not convinced this gets Rob off the hook and Meg cracks and confesses to stealing the money, which she replaced with a loan from Willie. She also tells them that one time she was making a payment and she heard Randy talking about a warehouse but Willie shushed him. Jess sets up a sting to get Willie to lead them to the warehouse.

But she didn’t kill Randy and neither did Lance.

Let’s be honest the start of 2001 was a better representation of actual 2001 than the space bit

Something something faulty computers rorting NASA this hangover might actually kill me.

Later gang!

 

 

 

S10E18 -The Trouble With Seth

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A long time ago in a galaxy called Boston in the 1970s, Julian Crane a man witnesses a murder. This will become relevant later.

Meanwhile, in 90s Cabot Cove, Jessica is updating her computer much to Seth’s chagrin – he has no time for cd wotsits and mega whatevers. (Now imagine Seth finding out what a Kardashian is. You’re welcome.) In the cafe, Ivy Crane a woman sits taking notes and drinking coffee while Fake Tommy Lee Jones wanders over for a chat.

Oh Passions. What a batshit crazy show you were.

Fake TLJ asks the coffee guy for a light.

LOOK AT HIM

Timmy Jimmy, as he is known for the purposes of this episode, notices an old newspaper article with Julian Crane’s face on it but he’s referred to as Stanley Barton. Not TLJ (or for fact based purposes, Leo) tells Ivy Crane Julia that she’s not doing anything without him, she needs him to ID Stanley. He orders her to keep in touch and tells her where he’s staying.

Down at the computer store JB is getting her gaming rig set up probably while the proprietor Julian Crane Evan Rafferty/Stanley Barton is a bit stressed out. Someone is doing a credit check on him looking for information, and Evan/Stanley recognises the name. It’s enough to get him all cross and yelly at his employees Neil Kraus and Connie Anderson. Seth asks Evan/Stanley if they are still on for their fishing trip in the morning and he tells Seth he’s not sure and storms into his office. Connie tells JB her new computer will be ready at the end of the day and JB hopes that Evan’s mood improves. As JB and Seth leave, Julia arrives for her meeting with Evan.

Over at the coffee shop, Jimmy pours coffee for his mother, who it turns out is marrying Evan/Stanley in less than a month. She is worried about his mood. Jimmy doesn’t mention the newspaper article and just tells her he doesn’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do for his sake. She laughs and tells him not to flatter himself.

Later that day Seth gives Mort a check-up and pronounces him fitter than a 1955 dollar. That’s pretty fit you guys. Mort asks Seth if he’s seen the prowler everyone’s been talking about and Seth thinks he has and gives a description that 100% does not match any of the other descriptions Mort’s had. Mort shrugs, tells Seth to give him a call if he sees the prowler again and goes on his merry way. Seth’s next patient wanders in – it’s Leo who apparently has a sore throat.

Back at Cabot Cove Digital, Julia’s meeting with Evan/Stanley has been delayed while he has a fight with his son Will who wants to buy a fishing boat and not go into the high stakes world of computer sales. Julia sees an opportunity and makes eyes at Will as he storms out. Her meeting with Evan/Stanley doesn’t go well either – he sees through her disguises as a property developer wanting to buy his house and tells her it’s not for sale.

Lunchtime rolls around and Neal and Connie spot Leo loitering around the computer shop, while JB sings to her typewriter.

The love is strong

Mort finishes his coffee and departs to chase the prowler, last seen hanging out outside Cabot Cove Digital, while at another of Cabot Cove’s eleven million cafes Will and Julia have coffee. Apparently, Julia has offered to bankroll Will’s foray into the world of high stakes fishing, all Will has to do is give her more info on his Dad’s life before they moved to Cabot Cove. Will doesn’t know much, he was 4 at the time and his Dad worked on a pipeline somewhere for 12 months.

Over at house Fletcher that night Mort is back to help JB set up her new computer when Jess gets a weird message on her answering machine from Seth. She’s worried, Mort’s worried and then they discover that Seth’s phone is off the hook. They jet on over to Seth’s office and find evidence of a struggle, some blood and drag marks but no Seth and no Seth’s car.

The next morning Mort updates JB on the case, and it’s all bad news. There’s no trace of Seth or his car, and the blood they found matches his blood type. Jess doesn’t understand why there’s not been a ransom demand. Meanwhile, Julia’s still on a quest to find out more info on Evan/Stanley, this time from the soon to be Mrs Evan/Stanley, but gets shot down when her questions tend to focus on his past and not Will’s loan application. Later, Julia finds Will and tells him her company are happy to do business with him, she just has a few more questions. Will offers homemade linguini at his place for dinner, he’ll answer everything then.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Deputy Andy is doing a composite sketch on the computer for JB to look at because that’s how that works now. Jessica makes some alterations because she’s always right in everything, and voila – the prowler is Leo aka Fake TLJ. They head over to the Lighthouse Inn where he’s been staying but there’s no sign of him. They do however run into Jimmy, who has heard about Seth’s mysterious disappearance. Jess asks him if he’s seen Leo, but he tells her no and rides off. Jess knows he’s lying but has no idea why. (Jimmy goes to find Evan/Stanley, now sporting a black eye and demands an explanation. Evan tells him he might be going away for a long time, and to stay out of it.)

Julia tries her luck calling JB to get information about Evan/Stanley, but JB has no time for that. Mort pops around to tell her what he’s learned about Leo (just got out of jail for second-degree murder, shady character) when Andy calls Mort with some bad news – some hikers just found a body in the woods. They go to investigate and find a body on the ground, and a rustling in the trees…

Classic Seth

The dead body, for those playing along at home, is Leo the professional, whom Seth recognises as the man who came to see him with a sore throat. “Must have been worse than I thought.” Says Seth.

Nothing like everyone thinking you’re dead to bring out the humour

Over at Cabot Cove Digital, Evan/Stanley is making plans for his imminent departure and tells Connie the business is hers. His fiance pops in wanting to know what’s going on, and he tells her his past has caught up with him. Jess helps Seth clean up his office and notices someone has been going through the patient files.  That night, Will makes some linguini for Julia, who finds the proof she needs that Evan and Stanley are the same person. She promises Will they’ll sort the loan out and disappears into the night.

Just as JB and Mort finally catch up to what’s going on, and Will finds a notebook left by Julia, Julia is at Evan/Stanley’s office with a gun to his head. Evan/Stanley was the guy in the car the night of that murder back in 1974, and Julia’s father was one of the two guys involved in the shooting. Evan/Stanley was indicted for the murder when the other two claimed it was all his idea, and so he bailed before he could go to trial. Julia’s on the hunt for revenge, but Mort and Andy arrive to save the day.

Basically this is the origin story of Julian and Ivy Crane and you can’t prove it isn’t.

Anyway, Evan/Stanley explains his life story, but swears he didn’t kill Leo, he only followed him to find out what it would take for him to back off. Mort tells Jess they found evidence linking Jimmy to the woods, but he tells them he was out there with a lady.

Honestly, her face this whole bit is just glorious

Anyway, long story short…

Because sure, why not.

She did it for love guys. And at long, LONG last, GC the cat has fallen asleep and has stopped yowling at me to let her out. Honestly, it’s like having a toddler in the house. It’s taken me five hours to write this. I’m delirious! I need sleep!

Nap time!

S10E17 – The Dying Game

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Once upon a time in a faraway land called Larkins Department Store, a man hides in a pot plant to escape the watchful eyes of a security guard. The guard safely on his way, the man does what we all did in the 90s – steal a floppy disk and some dot-matrix printouts before using a landline to call your boss and tell them that the Larkin Pension fund is missing about five million dollars.

Come on guys you know we were all doing that in the 90s. That and Pogs.

The man promises the guy on the other end of the line that he’ll find out who’s been pinching the money and hangs up. He hears a noise and quickly goes to the elevator however it doesn’t reach him in time and someone leaves an axe in his back. And by axe, I mean a hatchet that looks like it came from a toy shop.

(Frankly, he deserves to die, you take the goddamn stairs like a normal thief FML).

Before the killer flaps off into the night, they hit redial on the phone in the office and ask the person on the other end of the line who is speaking. Spoiler alert the killer is a woman but apparently isn’t…well I’ll get to that.

The next day, as the employees come to terms with the loss of Chief Accountant Henry Wilson (the recently axed man found in the elevator), owner of the store Floyd Larkin (aka Peter Donat, aka Mulders Dad) is in crisis talks with Clint Halliwell and Thornton Brewer from Amalgamated Holdings. Clint and Thornton have secretly outbid their competitors, the Museum of Cultural History to take over the Larkin building and Floyd is having a crisis of conscience. He promised the building to the museum but he’s signed the paperwork. Clint, in particular, gives no bothers about the whole thing and tells Floyd to get over it, he has bigger problems than letting down a friend, aka someone’s been pinching from the pension plan. As they leave the office with personnel manager Maud Gillis (aka Captain Janeway) Clint tells Thornton he got a weird phone call the previous night asking who he was.

Captain Janeway has a really unique voice though, wouldn’t you agree? We’ll get to that.

Meanwhile, Floyd’s friend is in the elevator and has just found out about the recent murder.

It must be exhausting, frankly.

That guy, Bill Maguire, promises to have lunch with JB later, but must now away to a meeting with Maude. JB lets Floyd’s secretary know she is here (fun fact, the secretary is being played by Angie Lans’s niece), and goes off to wait. She first bumps into Larkin employee and student of the Fletcher Writing System Shirin Hourani, who tells her she will have to drop out of the course now that she’s about to lose her job. The lawyer for the Cultural History Museum Meredith Peckham tells her that all Larkin employees will have the chance to train to work at the museum and Shirin is very excited to hear.

Jess runs into another old friend, Lieutenant Alan Terwilliger (previously seen here) and immediately asks him how his beets are doing. Man, that’s a long throwback. I’d forgotten all about this guy who is not in another episode after this one. There’s no time to get into a beetdown though (you’re welcome), Floyd is ready to see JB now.

(Meanwhile, Bill Maguire has a big argument with Maude about a fifteen grand loan that is now due. Something about wedding costs and his house not being mortgaged. It was about this time I started thinking about pancakes)

Jessica is outraged to hear that Floyd is going back on his word about the museum buying the Larkin building. Floyd doesn’t have a whole lot to say for himself but Clint Hallowell, who shall be henceforth known as Douchebag McGinty (not my first choice of name, but less sweary) announces that Floyd made the right move and gets five million out of the deal. Thornton Whatsisface says Larkin employees who measure up will get to become part of Amalgamated as well. Meredith tells them that a verbal agreement is binding and there is such a thing as *insert whatever law term she was talking about here* and storms out. Douchebag McGinty tells Floyd to accept the deal by close of business or the whole thing goes down and he and Thornton wander off. Floyd asks JB if he’s lost a friend and JB says no, but she’s very disappointed and she owes it to the museum to fight him to the end. He tells her she’s invited to the closing down party on Friday night but she says given the circumstances she won’t attend.

Jess pops down to see Bill, but he’s so busy taking inventory he can’t attend. He introduces her to fellow Larkin employee Ernie Fishman (who on his IMDB page lists himself as quite a good pinball machine repairman, you can all update your social media accounts accordingly). Ernie is a) saving up to open a bridal boutique on Madison Avenue (sure buddy) and b) is dating Sherin.

So for those playing at home, I am about 9 minutes into this episode and there have been 12 characters including one JB said hello to as she walked into the reception area. I’m already exhausted.  Meanwhile, Floyd overhears Douchebag McGinty and Thornton Whatsiface discuss their financial woes, and how Douchbag plans to borrow money from the Larkin pension plan to cover it until November.

Later that night…

This was basically me last night, except I was watching the football and had a cat instead of a telephone #whereshefitsshesits

…JB gets a call from Ernie to tell her that Bill Maguire for Henry Wilson’s murder. JB tells him not to worry, she’ll get into it first thing in the morning.

Jess goes to see Sideshow Alan Terwilliger (you’re welcome, people who get that reference) who is adamant Bill killed Henry and put a virus on the store network to wipe any trace of his debt to Floyd Larkin. Jess isn’t buying it, not even when he tells her that the security guard saw Bill leave the store a short time after the murder.

Down at Larkins, Tina Poulos (who said hello to JB at the elevator and I think possibly told Terwilliger about the virus) is yelling at Floyd about how he’s letting Amalgamated win, and did the Bahamas mean nothing and so on and so forth. I’m not entirely sure what her job is at Larkins but she’s very opinionated.

Back at the precinct Bill tells JB that he was there the night Henry died – he’d been following Henry for a few nights, suspicious that Henry knew something was up. His suspicions were confirmed when he saw him meeting Douchbag Macginty the night before the murder, but when Henry didn’t appear downstairs for Bill to tail he just went home. Ernie was with him at closing, and so JB decides to go have a chat with him.

Back at Larkins, Douchbag McGinty arrives just as Shirin is leaving for the day. She politely excuses herself but Douchbag says that’s no way to treat a man whose sent her roses every day for a week, and that he doesn’t give up that easily.

An arrogant jackass that won’t take no for an answer? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

He corners her for another crack and she tells him no. He tells her her mouth says no but her eyes say “what have I got to lose?”

Hashtag mace face

Meanwhile Maude is called into Thornton’s office for a chat. She thinks chat is code for sexy times, but he wants to remind her that she has an excellent opportunity with Amalgamated, and that she needs to remember that Chairman Douchebag Macginty likes women to be submissive.

NAILED IT

Maude tells him to man up and stop cleaning up after him, but immediately apologises and they get to the making out. Later, Maude finds Shirin in her office wanting to make a complaint about Douchbag McGinty. She doesn’t want to file a lawsuit, she needs her job. Maude tells her she’ll be head of makeup with a 30% raise – if she dates Douchbag, find out who he meets, where he goes, and reports back to Maude. Put out, don’t put out, she doesn’t care. Shirin can take the deal or an unemployment cheque when Maude tells the new overlords about Shirin’s record for shoplifting as a teenager. Shirin tells her that Floyd forgave that but Maude tells her there’s no record of that in the file.

Our Heroine and Meredith are out regrouping after losing a legal challenge when Douchbag McGinty pops up.

Fun fact: the collective name for a group of men in suits blocking your path is in fact a Conglomerate of Douchebags. #themoreyouknow

He just wants to commiserate with them – his team had bigger guns.

THIS EPISODE IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY WHERE’S THE GODDAMN KEYTAR

Douchbag McGinty wanders off with Shirin on his arm and Meredith and JB vow to go down fighting. On that, JB pops round to the store to see Ernie and find out more about the hatchet that was used to kill Henry. He tells her it wasn’t missing during stocktake, so someone must have come down and taken it after hours and only Bill and the bosses (Floyd, Tina Poulos and Maude etc) have keys to get in.

Back at home, Jessica calls Sideshow Al to tell him her theory that Henry was a mole for Amalgamated, but he ain’t got time – he’s gotten an invite to the closing down party and he wants to do some snooping. It’s not Jess’s first choice but she wouldn’t mind another go at Floyd so she tells Al she’ll see him there.

That night over a dance Sideshow Al reluctantly conceeds JB’s theory is valid, and says he’s having a familiar feeling that she knows something he doesn’t.

Something something worst ties at Larkins…

Their conversation is cut short by Terwilliger’s pager going off. Later, JB is kicking back with a beverage with the inexplicable Tina Poulos who is bemoaning the fate of the store despite having no real idea what she does there. Ernie tells Jess Al’s gone back to the precinct and resumes waiting for Shirin. He doesn’t have to wait long, she arrives in a blast of fanfare on the arm of Douchbag McGinty looking miserable. While DM swans about congratulating himself she rushes over to apologise to Ernie. Douchbag himself bobs up to ask Ernie what he’s so mad about, he never had a shot at Shirin. Ernie responds by going to punching him in the face. DM ducks, and proceeds to beat the crap out of poor old Ernie. Jess corners Floyd for one last try at a postponement, but he’s given up.

DM gets a call and wanders off, closely followed by Ernie, but not before DM takes the time to tell Maude that she’s riding a dead horse or hasn’t Thornton told her yet? No, I don’t know either. DM goes downstairs, drunkenly smashes a couple of mannequins and then someone dressed as a deer hunter shoots him with a crossbow – unfortuantely not in his nuts.

The next day Sideshow Al rocks up to investigate the murder and discovers that someone has also broken into the personnel office and trashed the files. JB is summoned and Al tells her the murder happened at roughly 10:35 according to DM’s smashed watch. A minion appears with the deerstalker outfit and that triggers something in JB’s memory but she can’t quite remember it. Al gives her a lift home and they have a lovely voiceover conversation about fingerprints in an effort to speed things along under budget.

Later, Jess gets a call from Sideshow Al who tells her that Ernie’s prints were on the crossbow and the personnel office and he’d like a word. Jess tells him she’ll let him know when she sees Ernie, hangs up and discovers Ernie and Shirin were in her kitchen this whole time drinking tea I mean what were the odds?

Shirin explains how Floyd and DM had an argument the night of the party, and Ernie tells Jess he trashed the office after he heard what Maude had threatened Shirin with. He also did follow DM down to the basement, but legged it when he saw the body. JB asks him to think hard but he can’t remember anything else except how weird it was that someone had stripped the deerstalker outfit off the mannequin.

This gives JB an idea and she hightails it back to Larkins. She bids Maude a goodnight, runs into Tina and tells her she’s just looking for something she’s forgotten and would Tina like to help her down in the basement? Tina says no, it’s all a bit creepy and goodnight. A quick call to Sideshow Al and Jess heads down to the basement where she finds what she was looking for – the mosquito net mask of the deerstalker hat, and the killer.

WTF WHY WHAT NO.

But also

WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING

You guys I do not understand. I get that Floyd was the one who embezzled the money. I do. And obviously he killed Douchbag McGinty. But who killed Henry? And the person who called the phone was 100% Kate Mulgrew. I AM SO CONFUSED.

Two months later Shirin is pregnant and about to become a docent, Ernie has opened his shop and all is well except for a random freeze frame about spelling Abraham/Ibrahim.

I am so confused. Guys, explain this to me.

Later gang!