S04E09 – Trouble in Eden

Hope you all had a lovely Easter Fletcherfans and spent it in more productive ways than lounging on the couch in your pyjamas watching a CSI: New York marathon with two cats eating chocolate and periodically shouting YOU GREW YOUR LEGS LIEUTENANT DAN!

Not that I’m saying that I did that.

We begin this week in possibly the most genius named cafe in all of NYC:

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOSHING.

Inside, JB is offering her condolences to her friend Mary Rose on the sudden death of her sister  Charlotte, in a little town called Eden in Oregon. She tells JB that she received an anonymous note from someone in Eden  warning Mary Rose that her sister was murdered, and to trust no one.  She asks JB to accompany her out to Oregon to investigate her sister’s death, but JB has a mountain of work to do in Cabot Cove and just can’t spare the time. Mary Rose asks her to at least meet with her lawyer, Lewis Framm, who apparently makes a lot of sense for someone so young (32, for those playing along at home).

Outside, just as they are about to cross the street, a man tries to run Mary Rose down in his car. Well that’s just rude. The aforementioned Lewis comes to visit Mary Rose in the hospital and is staggered to learn that the attempt was deliberate. Unfortunately the mystery moustache was pronounced dead on arrival so they still have no idea why he tried to kill Mary Rose. Lewis tells JB that he’s going to Oregon the next day, and JB has an idea. Since no one in Eden knows what Charlotte’s sister looks like, she could go to Oregon with Lewis and pretend to be Mary Rose. DEADLINES BE DAMNED! YOLO AND SO FORTH!

They finally make it to the Garden of Eden Hotel, where they meet Charlotte’s second in command, Lila Benson. She tells “Mary Rose” (JB) that Charlotte was the kindest woman she’d ever worked for, and that she’d said if anything happened to her, that Lila would take over the business. She offers to take JB to see Charlotte’s room, but is surprised to learn that Lewis wants a room at the hotel too.

Up in the suite, JB decides that the decor reminds her of something, but she’s not sure why,

Whatever could she be talking about?

They are briefly interrupted by the housekeeper Martha, who was curious about the noises coming from Charlotte’s suite. She tells them she’s been sent to make up another room and is surprised to learn it’s for Lewis. JB gets a call from Lila at the front desk informing her that Sheriff Landry would like to speak with her – and does she want Lila to continue running things as before? JB has no problem with that.

Down at the Sheriff’s office people are quick to offer JB their condolences. The Sheriff tells JB that her ‘sister’ was a hell of a woman, and that noone suspected she had a bad heart. JB is relieved to hear that Charlotte died of natural causes, especially considering how quickly she was cremated – the sheriff tells her that was under Doc Lynch’s order. JB quickly excuses herself before the Sheriff can ask any more questions.

Well I still have questions. Exactly how does JB know what the inside of a brothel looks like????

Upstairs, JB is wondering just what the hell she’s gotten herself into when she gets another visit from Martha the housekeeper who is upset that JB went to the Sheriff. She tells her that she can’t trust anyone in Eden, no matter what. JB tells her that sounds a lot like a certain anonymous letter she read back in New York and Martha confesses to writing it. She tells JB that she is convinced Charlotte was murdered, and shows her a secret compartment hidden under the floorboards where Charlotte used to keep her papers including the will Martha witnessed alongside the brothel’s resident handyman  (heh) and love interest to Lila Eddie Mackell. Martha tells them that when she came back from visiting her sister Charlotte was dead and cremated, and the secret compartment was cleared out. JB asks Martha to go down and tell Lila to close up shop and gather everyone on the lobby. Jessica tells them all that she’s decided to close the hotel for a three day period of remembrance (with full pay of course) and that she’s decided to stay on and run the place. Lila doesn’t take the news well and skulks off.

While Lewis goes to investigate the town records office, JB pays a visit on Doc Lynch to find out more about the night Charlotte died. He gets a bit stressed out when JB asks him the reason for Charlotte’s quick cremation, presumably because he’s lying through his teeth. Back at the hotel Lila tells JB that she’s had a phone call from Mrs Fletcher in the hospital. JB takes it upstairs and pointedly tells “Mrs Fletcher” that she shouldn’t waste her strength on the phone, but Mary Rose has important information – they identified the driver who tried to run her down as Eddie Mackell. Lila, who is eavesdropping, lets out a gasp.  When JB confronts her about it, Lila tells her that Eddie went to New York to “make it right” when they found out that Charlotte had a sister. She didn’t know he meant try and kill her, and she swears that neither of them had anything to do with Charlotte’s death.

JB goes to tell the Sheriff what she’d learned but the Sheriff sees no reason to reopen Charlotte’s case. Back at the Garden of Eden, Jess has an unexpected visitor –  CJ Dobbs, local businessman – who offers to buy the Garden of Eden. JB tells him she’s happy to consider it but she wants to look over the books first; she’s trying to work out where Charlotte’s money went, and she can’t find any real estate deeds to land she supposedly bought. CJ tells her that he brokered the deal, when a mall was planned for outside of town but the deal fell through and they had to sell the land at a loss. He assures JB, however, that if she sold the brothel to him that she would go back east with more money than when she started.

“Why is it everyone is so nervous with me around?” Asks Jess. “Doctor Lynch  trembled when I spoke to him?” (It’s true. He did. I saw it. Take my word for it, Fletcherfans). Apparently, according to CJ, that was because he used to be an alcoholic and killed a patient a long time ago.  That seems awfully convenient.

Upstairs, JB has a cup of tea with Lila who comes clean about what happened. I think. It’s a bit hard to hear her over her dress.

Or maybe it’s curtains? The important point is that the painkillers have kicked in.

Lila tells JB that she woke up about three thirty in the morning to hear noises and saw Snook Sitwell (?) and Reverand Willard Manchester (!!) carrying Charlotte down the stairs in a blanket, accompanied by Doc Lynch. The Doc told Lila that Charlotte was being taken to the doc’s office for treatment, then Lila went back to bed. JB presses her and Lila admits that she saw a bloodstain on the blanket.

JB decides to pay a visit on the good Reverend, whose wife bears an uncanny resemblance to Helen Lovejoy from the Simpsons. Helen Dora Manchester orders JB to stay away from her husband, and that she knows what Charlotte was up to, using her brothel to blackmail the men of Eden. Before JB could get anything out of her the Sheriff arrives with some news. He did some checking up on Eddie Mackell and confirmed he died in New York after running down Mary Rose…and leaving her in the hospital with a broken leg.  JB comes clean and tells the Sheriff everything she’s found out since arriving in Eden, including the blackmail. The Sheriff, defeated, asks JB what she wants him to do and she tells him to keep his mouth shut about her identity and to tell CJ, Snook and Reverend Manchester that she would like to meet with them

Back at the brothel, Martha is in a flap about the idea that JB would sell the brothel, but admits that there would be plenty of work to be found once the new mall opens. Lewis pops up to deliver a rose he found out on the porch with a note inviting Mary Rose to a meeting at 9pm. At the mortuary. What could possibly go wrong?

Inside, JB tells Snook, CJ, the Doc and the Reverend that she intends to stay on and take over Charlotte’s enterprises and so Snook asks her how much it will take to keep her quiet. Before answering, JB asks them about the night that Charlotte died, and between them it is revealed that the Reverend found Charlotte already stabbed, called the Doc and so arranged to carry Charlotte to the Doc’s office, before a quick cremation to avoid suspicion. They swear they had nothing to do with her murder, and that none of them knew each other’s secrets. JB tells them that the Sheriff has a theory that one of the blackmail victims stole Charlotte’s strongbox containing all the juicy info she had on them all, and that he was on his way to each of their houses to search for it. That sends all four men scuttling for the door.

Of course, JB’s plan works an absolute treat and they catch the killer red-handed. Well, box-handed.

Surprise! (Not really)

So there you have it. CJ killed Charlotte not because of blackmail reasons but because of Charlotte-finding-out-CJ-swindled-her-in-a-real-estate-deal reasons.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m just going to examine the idea that tequila fixes toothache.

Until then.

Later Fletcherfans!

S04E08 – Steal Me A Story

JB is in LA for a book tour this week Fletcherfans, where a young woman named Gayle Yamada would very much like to speak with her. Her new boss, TV producer Avery Stone has rejected her story ideas for his TV show Danger Doctor and has asked instead that she use a story he read a summary of the other week… a summary of the new book by JB Fletcher. Our Heroine, being the kind and beneficent Queen of All Things, thinks the whole thing is hilarious and offers to help Gayle write a new plot line to give to Avery instead.

It looks like it’s going to take a little more than some JB magic to fix the problems on Danger Doctor though. The two leads on the show, Brenda Blake and Gary Patterson (previously seen as the Sheriff here), are getting fed up with the terrible scripts, and director Bert Puzo (previously seen here as Frank) is getting fed up with Avery’s colleague Sid Sharkey (who has already been seen here and here and will be back). To make matters worse, Stone is less than enthusiastic about Gayle’s story when she brings it to him, and less so when he finds out JB had been helping her. JB, always looking out for the little guy, decides to go over Avery’s head and goes to see network bigwig Kate Hollander, who has been trying to secure the rights to one of JB’s books. Kate swears up and down that she was unaware of Avery Stone’s thieving ways and that she’ll put a stop to it. After all, she’s been such a fan of JB’s work for so long and she’s so eager to bring her book to the small screen.

Ah yes, thinks JB. “Murder at the Asylum?”

“I loved every page,” says Kate.

“Oh dear I must be confused.” JB says. ” I think that we’re negotiating Calvin Canterbury’s Revenge”

JB had no time for your crap.

Sid Sharkey doesn’t appreciate Kate telling him how to do his job and orders Avery to come into his office immediately. He accuses Avery of stabbing him in the back and fires him. Avery tells him they have a contract and until he hears differently he is going to keep working until he takes Sid for every penny. Things go from bad to worse for Sid when a call comes in from the crew – Gary Patterson has just stormed off the set. Sid marches down to the set and tells Bert to do whatever he has to do to get Gary back on the set or he’s fired. Bert genuinely couldn’t care less until Sid quietly reminds him of the time Sid put Bert in rehab after snorting half of Tijuana and gave him his first directing gig afterwards. Sounds like a threat huh?

Sid’s troubles are far from over. Brenda Blake, one of the stars of the show, had asked to be written out of the next three episodes so she could shoot a movie but Sid’s not having a bar of it, even when Brenda threatens to walk. Sid has two words for her: CON TRACT. His advice? Lay back and enjoy it.

Ugh.

That night, JB goes to pay a visit on Sid Sharkey but finds him out of his office. Instead she finds his secretary Frieda Schmidt (played by Fionnula Flanagan who has been in everything including but not limited to the Murder She Wrote movie Celtic Riddle EVERYTHING MOVES IN CIRCLES). Frieda informs JB, while taking a message for her boss about lunch at the Polo Club with a Mr Perlman, that Sid is out for the night but that she has the messages that JB left and that she will see that he gets them.  To make up for it, Frieda offers to drop JB back at her hotel.

Later that night Avery is alone in the studio working late. Except for the cleaning lady, some footsteps belonging to an unseen high heeled wearing stranger and Sid, who has decided that all of his problems will be fixed if they fire Bert in the morning. Avery goes home, weary, leaving Sid alone in his office with a package, which he excitedly opens. And then it explodes.

That’ll teach him for that “lay back and enjoy it” remark.

JB is summoned to the crime scene, as despite the blowing-upness, the office is almost entirely undamaged, including the note that Frieda left for her boss saying that JB was trying to get in touch. Inside, JB finds that Gayle had also been summoned, because as it turns out Lieutenant Bradshaw has a very important question for them.

[starts aggressively rocking out to the guitar solo in Live and Let Die]

In the interests of fact, Bradshaw would actually like to know where JB has been for the last three hours. JB, impervious to his tone, would very much like to know why she’s been summoned down here in the middle of the night.  Bradshaw tells her that Sid was blown to bits three hours earlier by a bunch of dynamite “wrapped in pink feminine wrapping paper.” that had presumably been delivered by a woman heard leaving in highheeled shoes. (Just to make sure you got the whole ‘suspect is a woman’ thing).

JB tries to explain that she’d only just met Sid recently, and that she’s a novelist. Bradshaw knows who she is, even read a couple of her books. Frankly they were a waste of his time.

That was unwise, Kananga.

Bradshaw  thinks it’s highly suspicious that JB came to visit someone she barely knew (but who was trying to steal her story idea), and left without alerting the night guard even when Jess points out the entirely unsuspicious reason – she left with Sid’s secretary. Kanaga will see about that!

On the way home, Gayle swears that she had nothing to do with the Great Explosion That Surprisingly Did Almost No Structural Damage; she was home alone writing. She hasn’t been in Hollywood long, she confides to JB, but she’s learned one thing: you’ve got to protect your fanny at all costs.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry.

Gayle asks JB if she has an alibi for 8:45 and JB tells her she was soaking in a hot tub.

“Anyone with you?” Asks Gayle.

Word.

The next morning JB visits the set of Danger Doctor to find Avery has assumed the role of Bossman rather effortlessly. JB tries to ask him about the Great Explosion That Surprisingly Did Almost No Damage and in response he tells her to get off the studio grounds but before she can, Diane the “close personal friend” of Gary Patterson rushes over to tell her that Gary is hanging out in his trailer and would very much like to meet her.

Turns out Gary has a million dollar proposal for JB. No, not that kind, he wants her to get to work fixing the terrible scripts. In fact, he himself was working on polishing them up from 8:30 til 9:30 the night before. (See how smoothly he worked that in there?)

“Oh? Alone?” Asks JB.

“Well, no. The little lady was here with me.”

“Gary likes to bounce his ideas off of me.” Says Diane.

I feel like this episode has taken a turn…

Excuse me just a sec…

Someone got into the chocolates a bit early this year…

Oh God. What’s happening? Oh right. So Avery turns up at the trailer eager to throw JB out but JB informs him that Gary has just offered her a job developing scripts and she’s just decided to accept. SUCKER.

JB is shown to her office by Frieda, who reveals she’s not exactly mourning for her late lamented boss. Jess asks her if she noticed anything unusual the day Sid died but Frieda remembers nothing except that she noticed that one of the file drawers had been rummaged through in between her leaving the office with JB and her arriving back after the Great Explosion That Surprisingly Did Almost No Damage. Jess asks her to see if anything was missing and goes to see her pal Avery who is tearing Bert and some other crew a new one. He is delighted to see JB and tells her how wonderful it is to have her on the show. Outside, while Bert drives off in his Jeep (I’m guessing this is important), JB bumps into Diane again, who begs her to take a look at the newest script and polish it. In response, JB asks why they lied about being together the night of the Great Explosion That Surprisingly Did Almost No Damage. Diane admits she left the set to go and get some medication for Gary from home, but that was it. JB urges her to tell Lieutenant Bradshaw, as she believes that while Bradshaw doesn’t have all the facts, he doesn’t seem likely to do anything impulsive.

Cut to Bradshaw trying to arrest Kate Hollander. Her minions think it will make for excellent press coverage but her secretary is outraged. Bradshaw won’t give up, until Kate informs him that she was in bed reading scripts. With her secretary. Who was taking notes. She is then interrupted by one of her minions informing her that USA Today wants to do a spread on her and she tells him to set it up. “Now, where were we?” She asks Bradshaw.

“I believe we were discussing dictation.” Says Bradshaw.

Dictation.

DIC. TATION.

DIC! TATION!

Bloody hell I hope she solves this soon, I’m in serious danger of losing the plot completely. Back at JB’s office Gayle wanders in to say goodbye – she’s decided to chuck her TV writing career in for writing a novel. Bless. Meanwhile, Frieda has worked out what’s missing from the file she noticed open the night of the Great Explosion That Did Almost No Damage – the contract belonging to Brenda Blake. JB goes to confront her about it and Brenda pleads ignorance, until Bradshaw turns up with a warrant. After much bellyaching, Brenda finally admits to stealing her contract out of the drawer, but says that she had no motivation to kill Sid since he was meeting with the producer of the movie she was trying to get cast in the next day. She does however remember seeing the package on the table when she stole the contract.

Bradshaw is a bit miffed, but it’s okay! JB has worked it out! In the absence of proof, JB stages an elaborate plot involving Frieda, some lies and when that doesn’t work a fake kidnapping but she finally gets him to admit in the end.

 

 

 

Not gonna lie, I’m not sure I care.

Afterwards, Bradshaw grudgingly admits that she’s not much of a writer but she’d make a damn fine policeman. Whatever dude. Then, as JB is finally making her escape Kate Hollander reappears with an idea – the JB Fletcher Mystery Hour! A weekly show devoted to the crime busting adventures of a mystery writer!

JB tells her it’s the worst idea she’s ever heard. OH THE LOLZ. But never mind that, because Twitter has just informed me that Angela Lansbury is being made a Dame today. So, by the power vested in me by me I hearby declare April 15 to be World Angela Lansbury Day. Now go! Hurl sass around and be the fabulous Fletcherfans I know you all are!

Until next time!

DIC! TATION!

S04E07 – If It’s Thursday, It Must Be Beverley

This week Our Heroine is getting her hair done in a place that could accurately be described as my worst nightmare.

So. Much. Pink.

That delighted postman (previously seen as Lieutenant Casey in these two episodes) is George Tibbits, who delivers mail and New Hampshire lottery tickets which apparently pay out more than Maine ones. Jess confesses to having no luck gambling, but the other ladies are all up for it. If you know what I mean.

Hair did, JB goes off out into the world and runs into Seth, who is dropping his secretary off at the beauty parlour for her regular hair cut. Seth invites himself around to JB’s for dinner so he can cook a recipe he found in Frugal Cuisines of the World magazine. As they talk, they see Night Deputy Jonathan Martin pull up to collect his wife Audrey who immediately starts berating him for not letting her know he was out the front and for suggesting they go and get icecream. Seth comments that he wouldn’t wish the job of night deputy on his worst enemy…or the wife.

That night, Audrey pins her lottery ticket up on the corkboard, puts last week’s ticket in the losers box, abuses her husband for being a failure of life and bursts into tears when he gives her roses because Charlie Wilson used to give her gardenias and she should have married Charlie Wilson and she should have stayed in Boston. Pretty sure your husband agrees with you love.

Meanwhile over at Casa de JB, Seth is whipping up a culinary frenzy, despite Jessica’s scepticism and memories of the Chicken Veronique that resulted in a mild case of food poisoning. Just as Seth is putting the finishing touches on his masterpiece Amos turns up to return a book/case the joint for food. Under orders from JB Seth grudgingly allows Amos a spoonful. Amos loves it until he finds out calamari isn’t a fancy kind of chicken.

Poor Amos.

While Seth finishes off the last few touches, and puts the pie in the oven, JB gets a phone call from Flossy at the Sheriff’s office looking for Amos. No one can get a hold of Deputy Jonathan Martin, and shots have been heard from inside his house. Amos, Seth and JB go to investigate and find Audrey lying dead on the floor, gun in hand. While it appears to be suicide, JB can’t help thinking it doesn’t make sense – women don’t usually shoot themselves, they prefer pills. JB thinks it’s sad that there’s no cards or photos on the corkboard. Just an old shopping list and some receipts. Okay?

Jonathan arrives home to find them all there, and is surprisingly heartbroken. He confirms that they never locked the door, as Audrey thought Cabot Cove was so boring that nothing would ever happen, and that the gun she used was the spare he kept in the dresser upstairs. Amos begins to come round to the murder theory, and asks Jonathan where he’d been and why he didn’t answer his radio. He says that he went to rescue Eve Simpson’s cat that was stuck in a tree, and he turned the radio off so it wouldn’t startle the cat. Then he drove around, remembered the radio was off and turned it back on to hear the news. Amos tells him to take a few days off while they sort it out.

The next morning notes are compared at the beauty parlour. Ideal Malloy (not kidding, that’s her name) never considered killing herself when her husband left, Eve Simpson (owner of the wayward cat) thinks it’s a relief that at least she had her hair done before she did it, but the owner of the parlour, Loretta, has heard differently. She heard that Amos had taken Jonathan’s badge off him, which makes no sense to Ideal. What does Jonathan’s badge have anything to do with it? Amos cautiously wanders in on cue to ask them about Audrey’s behaviour the previous day but they all want to know if Amos thinks Jonathan really killed his wife (“with his badge?” Adds Ideal.) Amos doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself.

Amos does not have a way with the ladies.

Seth isn’t having the best day either, when JB drops by to return his pot. His secretary Beverley has called in sick for the first time in twenty years, the phone won’t stop ringing with people looking for her, and “What really scorches my slippers is that I can’t find my copy of New Hampshire Weekly.” He was stuck on the crossword, but luckily Our Heroine is there to tell him the answer. She’s about to leave Seth to his rage when Amos wanders in looking shellshocked. He tells JB that Eve Simpson confirmed what the logbook said; that the only call the previous night was about her cat. “About all I could make sense of all that caterwauling’.” Says Amos. “Women.” He adds.

“Present company excluded ma’am!” Amos hastens to add.

SHE IS THE DANGER.

JB’s next stop is to see her travel agent and fellow beauty parlour patron Phyllis, who is also the town travel agent. While they’re chatting JB learns that Eve Simpson’s trip to the south of France might now be with someone, and that back in the day Audrey Martin was friends with Phyllis’s cousin. Both of these things are probably important.

The next day (according to Our Heroine’s wardrobe change), JB is at home hard at work on her next novel when she gets a knock at the door. It’s Jonathan Martin, looking for JB’s help to clear his name, as long as she’s not too busy working.

And then we receive a lesson in context.

Deputy Martin: I’ve got just the cure……That better?

Our Heroine:  Oh….Oh my Goodness…Yes…Ooh…Just wonderful…Oh….My husband used to do this for me all the time…

Deputy Martin: That so?

Our Heroine: Yes that’s the very spot right there…Oh he had the most wonderful hands…

Deputy Martin: How’s that feel?

Get your minds out of the gutter.

Fortunately Jess is saved by the arrival of the mailman George, who she drags into her house. George is a bit taken aback to see Jonathan, and even more so when JB shoves them both out on to  the street.

Jonathan’s hands have made JB suspicious and she goes to look at the logbook again, which says that he was at Eve Simpson’s for an hour, then Jonathan claimed that he was driving for an hour and a half after that. If he was telling the truth, says JB. Amos doesn’t believe it. “But he has to be telling the truth! How can it take two and a half hours to get a cat out of a tree?”

JB examines the log book a bit more closely and notices that Eve Simpson’s cat had a habit of needing to be rescued every Tuesday.  JB then tells Amos about Phyllis’s news that Eve was looking for a second plane ticket for her trip to France.

“Kind of makes you wonder if it was the cat Jonathan was attending to…or the canary.” Says Amos.

Ohhhh. CAT.

JB and Amos go to ask Eve about this mysterious second person she’s travelling with, but Eve informs them that it’s her own business. Instead they ask her about her “cat” that needs “rescuing” on a regular basis, to which Eve replies “Yes, she’s a very bad cat, and the deputy seems to have a way with her.”

I think Amos is about to pass out

They go to confront Jonathan who admits that he was with Eve at the time his wife died. He didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did. That old chestnut. Later, JB and Amos are walking past the beauty parlour when Loretta spots them and tells them she’s decided to tell the truth about something. JB tells her it’s okay, that they know about Jonathan and Eve Simpson.

Loretta is scandalised. What? That’s old news! She’s talking about Ideal Malloy!

Did she live up to her name though?

A quick check of the logbook confirms that Ideal Malloy had a habit of seeing prowlers in her garden on Monday nights. And by prowlers in the garden I think you know what I mean. While Amos bellyaches about how his deputy isn’t going to get away with this, and that he asked Ideal Malloy to the pictures last Monday and she said she had to wash her hair, JB has made a discovery, which she shares with Amos.

Life Lesson #54: THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO DAYS IN THE WEEK.

Phyllis Grant the travel agent admits that her dog didn’t actually run away every Wednesday. Amos is scandalised that she would take up with a married man, but she tells him that’s what made it perfect. Ideal admits to being Mondays but has an alibi for the murder – she was with Loretta and Coreen at the cinema at the time of the murder.

As you would expect, Seth Hazlitt has some thoughts on these new developments. “I know he’s supposed to service the town at night, but don’t you think that’s going a bit far?”

Amos has other issues. “Why him? What’s he got that I – that’s so special?”

“Perhaps he should will his body to Harvard medical school, maybe they can find out!” Chortles Amos.

They spot George the mailman, and Seth asks him about his copy of New Hampshire weekly, but George has nothing for him. Maybe it was never loaded onto the truck? JB asks Seth if Beverley was going to be in the office, Amos and she had some questions for her. Because if it’s Thursday…GEDDIT?

Beverley is not one to hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.

Who says romance is dead? Amos and Seth adjourn to the nearest coffee pot for a strong cup to settle their nerves, leaving JB to interview Beverley, who tells them that Jonathan was planning to leave his wife and be with her. He never actually said so, but a woman knows these things. With no help on offer from Amos and Seth, JB then asks Beverley where she was the morning after the murder, since she was late to work. Beverley informs them that she was making a casserole for Jonathan, and if Seth wants to fire her for being late once in twenty years then he didn’t need Jessica to do his dirty work for him. She was going out into the world to have some fun!

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE EVER.

“No wonder she seemed so relaxed on Friday mornings.” Says Seth.

Meanwhile at Jonathan’s house, Eve Simpson has just made a chilling discovery.

Oh yes. Jonathan has been having his casserole and eating it too.

Needless to say, the atmosphere is a little subdued down at the beauty parlour when JB and Amos roll in. Amos can’t handle it and asks JB to take the lead while he goes to read magazines in the corner. JB asks Loretta if she knows whether any of Jonathan’s women had acted like they’d been dumped, but Loretta can’t think of anyone. Amos takes a break from his magazine to notice Coreen the assistant acting suspicious so he decides to pay her a visit later that night.

Would it amaze you to learn she’s not alone?

To paraphrase one of my favourite movies, does this guy have chocolate flavoured nipples?

Jonathan swears he’d never been to Coreen’s until that night, and that she’d asked him to come and fix her screen door, because everyone at the beauty parlour said how wonderful Jonathan was…at fixing things.

Amos asks her where she was the night of the murder and she tells him she was at the cinema with Ideal Malloy. “Ah yes,” says JB. “And Loretta.”

Nope. Loretta was visiting her sister in Augusta.

A clue! Remember that time someone was murdered? Uising every ounce of self control remaining, Amos asks Jonathan if  he’d ever had a little something something going on with Loretta.

Jonathan nods. “My one big mistake.” Turns out Loretta was after him to leave his wife and be with her, and was relentless.

Poor, poor Amos.

But when they go to see Loretta, the murder of Audrey Martin isn’t her secret. Secret botox injections from a night doctor are.

Just when all hope seems lost, JB catches sight of the lottery tickets stuck to the mirror. Guys! Remember that time they bought lottery tickets from New Hampshire, and then Seth didn’t get his copy of the New Hampshire Weekly? IT WAS ALL CONNECTED.

Fair enough then.

All those booty calls and it all came down to George the postman recognising Audrey’s winning numbers in the New Hampshire Weekly and wanting to retire.

This episode though. I think I need a stiff drink and a lie down.

Later gang!