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S04E11 – Doom With a View

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Oh look who’s showed up to play the role of DOOM.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Jess is in New York to stay with her nephew, but alas his apartment building is full of cockroaches like Grady and so instead he takes her off to the Montaigne Plaza, the five star hotel owned by Cornelia Montaigne and her new husband (and Grady’s old fraternity buddy) Garrett Harper who has invited them to stay for free.

Speaking of Cornelia Montaigne, she’s pissed off. (And also Janet Leigh, from Pyscho)

Psycho is one of the few movies that genuinely creeps me out. Damn you Hitchcock.

Psycho is one of the few movies that genuinely creeps me out. Damn you Hitchcock.

While she is berating her husband and her right-hand man Mark Havelin for being crap at their job, Grady arrives with JB to check in. Garrett greets them and tells them that he’s arranged dinner at 7pm for them, his mother and an old school friend Sandra Clemens at which news Grady quietly loses his mind. Apparently he was completely in love with her in high school, third cheerleader from the left at homecoming, he informs Jess.

“I must have been watching the game.” Says JB.

Upstairs they run into Sandra who is weirdly happy to see Grady again. She is delighted to meet JB, whom she’s heard so much about. “I remember you!” JB says. “Third cheerleader from the left, right?”

“Homecoming!” Says Sandra. “You have some memory!”

“Oh no.” Says JB. “Grady has a photo on his coffee table.”

Ahahahahaha

Ahahahahaha

After dropping that little truth bomb JB leaves them to it, and Sandra makes Grady promise to come get her for dinner. Leaving Grady gawking like an idiot, she goes down to the lobby and runs into Garrett, who asks her if she saw Grady. She says yes, and that this is really dumb. Garrett tells her he needs to keep Cornelia off his back or it’s over for both of them.

Guys I think Garrett might be a bit of a dick.

Later that night Grady goes to pick up Sandra with a bunch of flowers. Her hunt for a vase is interrupted by a phone call, so while she’s jotting down a phone number on the back of an envelope, Grady helpfully deposits the bunch of flowers into a pitcher of martinis. Good work Grady.

Classic Grady.

Classic Grady.

At dinner, Garrett’s mother and Sandra are not entirely pleased to see each other while Cornelia paces the restaurant looking not pleased about anything. Later that night she and Garrett argue, and he tells her she’s being paranoid, he was just setting up a reunion between two old friends. Meanwhile, Jess gets sick of Grady pacing around the hotel room and tells him she’s going to bed and that he should go out. Grady delightedly agrees and leaves JB to go over her manuscript in peace.

Grady goes straight to Sandra’s room, and is surprised to find the door open. Inside, he finds Sandra dead on the floor. As he goes to call the police he notices Garrett’s refection in the mirror, running out of the room. SHADY DUDE.

(I just looked up the actor who plays Garrett on IMDB. He will be appearing in Sharkansas Prison Massacre later this year. Do with this information what you will.)

Anyway, Grady calls the police much to the irritation of the hotel house detective Fritz Rice, who would much prefer not to alarm the hotel guests with sordid tales of people accidentally hitting their heads on hotel furniture and dying. JB is staggered that he thinks it’s an accident. Meanwhile, Garrett wants a private word with Grady to assure him that he stepped in to Sandra’s hotel room just as Grady saw him and he was running to get help and not not tell the police about it because Cornelia was upset enough already.

Inpsector Donald Matheney drops in during the intermission of the ballet to make his presence felt. JB insists on showing him the crime scene, and points out that there was absolutely no way Sandra tripped over nothing and hit her head on the dresser. Also, why was there lipstick and makeup on the pillow but the rest of the bed was completely undisturbed? The Inspector tells her that if there was foul play he’d be most likely to talk to Grady, and then departs for the theatre.

Unhappy with how the investigation isn’t running, JB wakes up hotel manager Mark Havlin, who had taken his phone off the hook to get a couple of hours sleep before a sheik arrives at midnight with all 37 wives, causing him more headaches. As he replaces the flower in his buttonhole with a fresh one he notices the time and says “Night shift came on at eight, at least the beds have been turned down.

PRIORITIES.

Upstairs, JB tries to console a miserable Grady who is convinced that the Inspector thinks he’s guilty, and that Grady and Sandra were romantically involved, when the most exciting thing that happened was when Grady put the flowers in the martini jug. He tells JB about Sandra’s phone call, and how she wrote the number down on an envelope in her bag and Jess tells him he needs to tell the Inspector immediately. Grady says he did, but there was no envelope found. Jess asks Grady if Sandra still worked as a computer operator (ahaha) and he says yes, back in Fort Wayne. Jess wonders in that case how she can afford to stay at the Montaigne, but Grady just figures Garrett is paying for her too.

The next morning, JB goes to see Mark Havlin on a fishing expedition and offers to cover Sandra’s hotel bill but Mark sees through it, and informs Jess that Sandra has stayed at the hotel nine times in the last year or so, and that he has absolutely no idea how she’s paying for it.

JB’s next visit is to Garrett’s mother Nettie, who has very carelessly left the door open while she’s on the phone to Garrett talking about what a stroke of good luck it is that Sandra’s dead. JB offers her condolences but Nettie shrugs. She hadn’t seen the girl in years. JB mentions that she understood Sandra had stayed at the Montaigne on a regular basis but Nettie just offers JB more hotel chocolates and tells her how badly she feels for Grady.

Meanwhile, Grady is having lunch with Garrett who is in a dilly of a pickle as Ned Flanders would say. He admits to Grady that he and Sandra had a thing after graduation, and that he gave her an engraved bracelet. Sandra brought it to New York “for old times sake” and it’s still in the pocket of her bathrobe. Now, obviously Garrett can’t go and retrieve it, Cornelia would have a fit. But what about Garrett’s old pal Grady?

Grady accepts the challenge, successfully retrieves the bracelet and they all live happily ever after. LOL, J/K, when does Grady successfully do anything?

Well shucks.

Well shucks.

JB is on a rampage through the hotel lobby on her way to see Inspector Matheney to bail Grady out when she bumps into Cornelia. Cornelia wants to offer her condolences but JB wants none of it. It’s obvious that Grady got the passkey to break into Sandra’s hotel room from Garrett, and it’s obvious he did it to retrieve the bracelet for Garrett. Cornelia reluctantly agrees, and tells JB if she’s looking for the inspector, not to try police headquarters.

Jess finds Inspector Matheney holding court at a Van Gogh exhibit and demands to know what Grady has been charged with, why Matheney is so quick to assume the G on the engraved necklace stands for Grady when it could easily stand for Garrett and why he hasn’t followed up on the lead about the envelope with the phone number written on it. Matheney tries to respond, but has got nothing, naturally.

With Grady safely out of custody, they return back to the hotel. Grady thanks his aunt for all the trouble she went to (again) and Jess demands answers. Grady tries to explain that he was only helping a friend, after he’d been so supportive when they found the body.

h2

Where would you begin though, really…

Grady explains what happened when Sandra died, but that it wasn’t what it seemed. Jess tries to convince him that Garrett might be the killer but Grady doesn’t want to know about it,

“It must have entered your mind!” Says Jess. “I mean, you’re much too smart to accept that man at face value!”

I hate to argue with you boss, but…

Really though....

Really though….

Grady spits the dummy and goes for a walk, while JB gets a phone call from the Inspector who has just gotten hold of Sandra’s bank account statements. Jess goes down to police headquarters to take a look – there are a bunch of deposits for around 25 grand each. I think we all know what that spells!

Jess asks to see the dates when Sandra stayed at the Montaigne, and naturally, her hunch pays off. The deposits and the checkin dates match exactly.

You're goddamn right.

You’re goddamn right.

JB has a fairly good idea of who has been blackmailed and goes to see Nettie who tries to bluff her way out but admits that Sandra and Garrett used to be married, and that the divorce was never finalised, making Garrett’s marriage to Cornelia invalid. Sandra used to come up and to stay in the hotel and wave the marriage certificate around. And so, blackmail! Also motive.

Jess meets Grady at a jazz bar and fills him in on what she’s learned. Grady still thinks that it might not be Garrett, and that maybe Nettie killed Sandra, but JB gently points out that they’ve been waiting an hour to meet Garrett and he still hasn’t showed.

Grady is heading back to his hotel room when he overhears Garrett talking to the house detective Fritz Rice. Garrett offers Rice five grand to “remember” something that might tie Grady to the murder.  Fritz accepts and wanders off to “jog his memory” while Grady steps forward and confronts Garrett, who tells Grady he was just pushing Rice to see how far he would go, and that he would never dream of –

“You’re good. Real good.” Says Grady. “Ten, maybe eleven years and I never saw it. I guess maybe I’m not too bright.”

j2

Jess decides to cheer Grady up with some dinner, but is distracted when the turn down service arrives. Something about flowers and turn down services has solved the case!

What can this mean?

k2

When Mark Havelin discovered the blackmail going on he decided he wanted in, killed Sandra and took the marriage certificate for himself, before taking his phone off the hook and telling Jess he’d been asleep for three hours. But as Jess points out, if he’d been asleep for three hours at 10:30pm, the night maid wouldn’t have been able to get in to leave the flower and chocolate.

So there you have it. Grady escapes a murder rap again, and stands up for himself against shady Garrett. Unfortunately, his stand includes refusing to be Garrett’s best man in the upcoming sequel to their wedding, and refusing to be comped for staying in the hotel, and is left with a 2500 dollar hotel bill. But good for him. Ugh, that hurt to admit.

And on that horrifying note.

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PS – A few people have asked me when I’ll be live-tweeting another Murder She Wrote movie, so I’ve decided that when Murder She Blogged hits 100 likes on Facebook, I’ll do another one. So if you know someone who would enjoy the incoherent ramblings of a madwoman disguised as reviews of Murder She Wrote episodes, send them this way!

S03E08 – Magnum on Ice

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Hey guys! Remember that time Our Heroine flew out to Hawaii to be with her friend who thought someone was trying to kill her but actually no one died because El Moustacho Magnum PI saved the day completely by accident by shooting the hitman in the back?

Turns out we may have been a bit hasty. But not as hasty as Magnum, since it turns out the hitman didn’t have a gun. Awkward.

The Hawaii 5-0 (heh heh heh) arrive and take Magnum into custody. The Chief is particularly delighted and informs Magnum that he’s in it up to his neck, despite Our Heroine’s attempts to explain to him that they all heard two shots fired, even if they only found evidence of one gun and one bullet.

While Magnum cools his heels in the cells, JB returns to the mansion to see Higgins. He is convinced he was the target and that the danger is passed, so is helping Pamela and Amy pack up so that they can move to a hotel down at the beach. JB is less convinced and goes to see Jason the party host for more information/movie re-enacting.

*pew pew*

*pew pew*

Through a stunning use of gun hands JB manages to find another bullet. Jason finally appears and JB asks him if Joan is around. He denies ever sleeping with her, and informs JB he’d never met the hitman Peter Mayfield either. It turns out Jason Bryan was throwing the party on behalf of someone else, and that mysterious someone else was the person who put Mayfield on the guest list.

Shell casing in hand, JB returns to the police station but Captain Browning won’t have a bar of it. Furthermore, JB’s request to see Magnum is denied on account of Browning being a grumpy bastard.

Our Heroine does not take this sitting down.

c2 d2

Magnum is delighted happy perplexed to see JB. She tells him about finding the shell casing and he grudgingly admits that was a stroke of good luck. She asks him if he can think of who might have been host of the party that Jason threw and he tells her Arthur Houston, head of PacLisle Industries seemed to know more than he was letting on but warns her it could be dangerous. He also reminds her about the small matter of getting Higgins to bail him out.

I don’t think Magnum is enjoying prison life very much,

It sucks to be Magnum right now.

It sucks to be Magnum right now.

Back at the hotel JB tells Higgins her discoveries and he informs her that a .45 gun has gone missing from one of Orson Welles’s Robin Masters’s gun cabinets. Pamela arrives to ask them if they’ve seen Amy, as she has a package to return to her. JB investigates it and determines it unlikely to be this ‘supposed’ cookbook for ‘Aunt Grace’ if that is her real name. Higgins unwraps it and reveals that THE BOOKS ARE NOW DIAMONDS.

(Yes I did write that in Old Spice Guy’s voice, thank you for noticing).

Amy wanders in and is rather annoyed that people have been going through her packages. JB goes to talk to her and she comes clean – she’s left her abusive husband and the diamonds are all she has to start over. Jess asks her about her trip to PacLisle and Amy tells her that she was there to deliver an envelope to Arthur Houston for Joan.

Speaking of the devil, Joan finds them to tell them that Amy has a visitor – her husband Victor. Amy bursts into tears and runs away, leaving JB to advise Victor to try again tomorrow, Joan to keep an eye on Amy and Higgins to take her to see Magnum.

In jail, Magnum is chucking a tantrum about the lack of bail money/help from Orson Welles Robin Masters but JB has bigger things on her mind, She’s sure Amy is not involved in the murders, despite Magnum’s suggestions. He thinks the whole thing is a plot out of one of JB’s novels, like the one Higgins sent him to read. He never finished it, but he knows it was the psychiatrist.

“Actually, it was the lawyer.” Says JB.

This guy is just not having a good day.

This guy is just not having a good day.

JB pays a visit to Joan’s room, where she’s busy chatting up the help. She tells her that she is selling the business left to her by her late husband to Arthur Houston. JB goes to see Arthur Houston for more information about the business deal but finds him dead on the floor next to Magnum’s cap. Browning informs JB that as Magnum made bail a couple of hours previously, he’s still on the hook for both murders.

Back at her hotel JB has big plans for a bath and a think, both of which are ruined by Magnum breaking into her room. She tells him about the death of Arthur Houston but he can’t think of anyone who can alibi him for the time of the murder. Later that night, JB notices Amy’s door has been forced and goes to investigate. Amy arrives back but before they can call security Victor climbs in through the window with a crowbar, demanding the jewellery.

Fortunately, Higgins is there to save the day with some Premium Ninja Moves.

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

Despite HIggins’s best moves, Victor gets away. While Amy prepares to check out of the hotel (having caused enough excitement for one day), JB asks Higgins how he got hold of Orson Welles Robin Masters to get bail sorted. He tells her that it wasn’t Masters who paid the bail, it was Joan.

Apparently, in more ways than one.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Joan helpfully explains to JB that it was a case of kill or be killed, and that setting up Magnum was just a business move, nothing personal. Fortunately, Magnum is out on the ledge and clearly appreciates the sentiment.

Idea: Moustache Ninjas! A crimefighting team that are invisible apart from their GIANT MOUSTACHES. Come on, I've got to fill the Breaking Bad void somehow, right?

Idea: Moustache Ninjas! A  deadly crime-fighting team, invisible apart from their GIANT MOUSTACHES. Come on, I’ve got to fill the Breaking Bad void somehow, right?

Alls well that ends well. The killer was caught, Amy was cleared of stealing jewellery, her husband was arrested for Being A Dick, JB is restored to being ALWAYS RIGHT and I managed to survive the emotional turmoil of the series finale of Breaking Bad.

Well, almost.

See you next week!

See you next week!

S01E18 – Footnote to Murder

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I’m sorry to say it Fletcherfans, but we’re still not back in the Cove – JB is in New York, accepting the US presidency the Nobel Prize, an award for crime writing. While I am desperately sad that the Cove doesn’t feature in this episode, it does start with a man roller skating in the rain, which gives me an excuse to show you this video:

Before she accepts her award, JB meets her friend Horace, a poet who looks like a cross between Rick Moranis and Neil Gaiman (just think about that one). Horace is hanging out in a diner bemoaning the lack of booze/cigarettes/women in his general vicinity, and writing crap poetry that includes the line “Cupid’s turgid rights neglected.”

Let the record show that Our Heroine gave this line the reaction it deserved.

This line was later used in Fifty Shades of Grey. Probably.

JB and Horace aren’t the only people in town for American Idol X Factor the literary awards. Hemsley Post (who in his spare time is the voice of King Triton in The Little Mermaid according to IMDB) is in town to host the awards/tempt people with his penis new book. This news is received with great interest by Tiffany the assistant award manager (who finds great penises literature ‘stimulating’) and with indifference from Hemsley’s ex-wife, who just says ‘SHOW ME THE MONEY’.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a man with a carton of milk called Frank Lapinski is very interested to learn that Hemsley Post is in town to host the awards, and pays him a visit in the bathroom of the opening night reception. Someone’s not very pleased with Hemsley’s incessant talk of his penis new book.

Holy crap, they’re called the Gotham Book Awards! IF THERE IS NO BATMAN IN THIS EPISODE I’M DEMANDING A REFUND.

JB and Horace aren’t the only winners of the Gotham Book Awards, or the Batties as I’ve just decided they’re called. Also attending the awards are Adrian Winslow, who is in fact Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch.

I KNOW RIGHT!?

Completely irrelevant side note: apparently he was second choice for Mike Brady after Gene Hackman turned it down. Gene Hackman. Just consider that one for a minute.

On their way into the awards ceremony Our Heroine and Horace are accosted by Batman Debbie Delancey, a young lady desperate to show off her tits short story. Horace is more concerned with the application of his mouth to as much scotch as he can find, but Jessica being the Incredibly Magnanimous Human that she is offers to read it for her.

Inside the party Winslow/Brady is chatting to Lucinda Lark, who has written ‘Woman Unleashed’ which presumably is the 1985 equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey. Meanwhile, Hemsley’s little friend Tiffany has just burned Our Heroine and Horace.

I’m pretty sure Tiffany knows not what she does, mainly because she’s a complete bimbo. JB should set her up with Grady.

Shaking off this outrage, JB grabs a drink and settles in to watch a bitch-fight between Hemsley and Winslow/Brady, while Horace works his turgid magic on the 50 Shades of Unleashed lady. If ever there was a match made in heaven…his tugidity is interrupted by Hemsley looking for someone to talk about his penis book to. Horace tells him he couldn’t finish his book due to the terrible grammar, and Hemsley thanks him for his constructive criticism by punching him in the face.

JB steps in to referee.

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to fall in love with Horace a little bit…

After a good scolding from Our Heroine the two brawlers go their separate ways.

The next morning, JB discovers she has Hemsley’s umbrella (nothing suss), and goes to return it. When she arrives at his hotel room she discovers a D.A called Comstock, a lieutenant called Meyers, and Horace’s sword umbrella shoved in Hemsley’s chest. This’ll take some explaining, methinks.

The DA seems more preoccupied with big-noting himself than actually solving the case so JB gives the lieutenant a hand in searching the room. By the way, does this lieutenant look familiar to you?

Recognise him yet? I’ll explain this pic in about two seasons time. Or you could just Google Ron Masak, if you can’t wait that long.

A search of the room brings up a key to a room not in this hotel and a lipstick smudge on the bed. Looks like Hemsley got to show his ‘book’ off after all…they also find a signed copy of Fifty Shades of Grey Woman Unleashed, and a pair of glasses. What they don’t find, however, is Helmsley’s manuscript. Curiouser and curiouser! Done with making phone calls to as many TV crews as he can think of, Comstalk-Codswallop throws Jess out of the room, but not before putting the mystery glasses in her handbag. He’s a bright one, that Codswallop.

Someone tips him off that the umbrella belongs to Horace and the key belongs to Tiffany aka She What Snubbed Our Heroine, and so the DA drags them in for questioning. Tiffany admits giving Hemsley the key so he’d come round and show her his penis manuscript, but says he never showed up. Horace admits that everything is a blur after he got to the hotel bar. I think everything is a blur for him all the time, to be honest.

D.A Codswallop decides he has heard enough and has Horace arrested for murder. Our Heroine takes umbrage a this and lets loose a tirade that I’m pretty sure was the inspiration for this speech last week. Nobody arrests JB’s drinking buddies and gets away with it! This means war, Codswallop! Luckily for Horace the presiding judge only has eyes for hos not bros, and he’s let off the hook, for now, anyway.

JB is on the hunt for the person who left the lipstick in Hemsley’s room and rules out Tiffany and the ex-wife. She runs into Horace in a revolving door, allowing a NEVERBEFORE SEEN REVOLVING DOOR JOKE, before she drags him back to DA Codswallop’s office to make sure he’s not a fugitive. Codswallop himself is interviewing the author of Fifty Shades of Grey Woman Unleashed, and enjoying it a little too much.

And where the bloody hell is Batman anyway?

Unfortunately for D.A Codswallop, Our Heroine interrupts any shenanigans he might have been planning with the safe return of a terrifyingly sober Horace. His hopes are further dashed when it turns out that Ms Unleashed spent the previous night in Horace’s bed. With Horace.

Wait, maybe Horace is Batman?

Horace safely off the hook, he informs Jess that he’s pretty sure he didn’t kill anyone and invites her out for a night of partying with the cast of Jersey Shore (might have made that bit up).

Jess has no time for jelly shots now.

Worst Batsignal ever. I’m starting to think these so-called Gotham awards are nothing but lies. DAMN LIES.

Jess leaves Horace to it, and pays a visit on Frank Lapinksi – he who had the milk carton and bailed up Helmsley in the bathroom. He deftly avoids her questions. Shifty much? JB discovers the second pair of glasses in her bag – too many mysteries to solve at once! Get the lady a scotch already! She alerts Codswallop to the general shiftiness of Frank, and getting the usual non-reaction, goes to see Brady/Winslow.

WAIT, MAYBE MIKE BRADY IS BATM-…no, that’s just silly.

Actually, I think I’m starting to fall in love with Brady/Winslow, he’s so bitchy and he sounds like Ian Holm! He puts his money on Alexis-the-ex, but JB isn’t convinced. After a brief roadblock in the form of Debbie Delancy, JB pays Tiffany another visit but despite her lie about where she was the night before, JB agrees that she didn’t do it.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn Codswallop pays Lapinski a visit, and Lapinksi Labolts out of Lawindow, before getting La-rrested anyway. It turns out Hemsley Post had claimed Lapinksi’s penis manuscript as his own, and Frank was understandably miffed. As they cuff him he admits that he was the one that did Hemsley in, and he’s proud of it, and he’d do it again! (Paraphrasing).

Of course, we reject all mysteries not solved by Our Heroine, and this is no exception. After finding THOSE glasses in her bag again, and seeing Horace model them for her, Jess has an inkling of an idea of who the killer might be. She gives Horace money for the cab and scarpers for the optometrist.

And by cab I mean batmobile. Oh who am I kidding, Batman’s not coming is he?

A quick trip to the optometrists, and it’s as JB feared. But not me, because I’d forgotten all about her.

Yep. Life Lesson #32 – only meeting someone for 30 seconds doesn’t mean they haven’t bumped somebody off.

Ugh. Really?

I MEAN COME ON. First you lure me in with promises of Batman, and now the chick who gives JB a short story to read just happens to be Frank Lapinsky’s brother? That’s what you’re going with?

Debbie D informs Jess that she’d had no intention of killing Helmsley, she’d just defended her womanhood after Hemsley got a bit too eager to show her his manuscript. And by manuscript I mean penis.

Well, that’s something I’d believe. But that’s brought us to the end of a Batman-free episode of Murder She Wrote. OH MY GOD, MAYBE AMOS IS BATMAN!!??

See you next week, Fletcherfans!

 

S01E10 – Death Casts A Spell

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We’re on the road again this week Fletcherfans, this time to Lake Tahoe where Jess has been lured under false pretenses by her editor’s assistant Joan. She has a BRILLIANT IDEA for JB’s new book, based on the resident hotel hypnotist who goes by the name Cagliostro, and who happens to be George Clooney’s uncle.

He’s hypnotising you right now…

Remember when hypnotism was a thing? Somebody once hypnotised me and made me watch Maid in Manhattan – now that I think about it, I still haven’t had justice for that. But I digress.

This Cagliostro character is adored by his fans (especially Joan) but has made an enemy of the hotel owner, mostly because the C-bomb shagged his missus. His missus naturally claimed she had been hypnotised. What a genius excuse! A couple of reporters – Andy Townsend and Bud Michaels –  have a bone to pick with the C-bomb too, and so he makes a deal: they can come up to his room and ask anything they like, as long as they let him hypnotise them first.

Across the restaurant, JB does an exceptional job of not being interested…

JB learnt her powers of surveillance from her neighbours in the Cove.

Joan can’t handle a gauntlet being tossed around like that, and runs off to demand that the celebrated mystery writer JB Fletcher be permitted to attend the demonstration, to which the C-bomb magnanimously agrees. Jess meanwhile is being harrassed by a lunatic at the slot machines who is convinced that JB is a character from Doctors after Hoursand desperately trying to get JB to come and meet her bridge club who are playing craps. Jess tries to get Andy’s attention, but he flees in the elevator.

Huzzah for a topical caption! (Sorry)

Eventually she is saved by Joan, who tells her that the C-bomb will be honoured to have JB attend his soiree. Jess pointedly tells Joan that she most certainly will not be attending, and Joan says “You’re a writer…aren’t you the least bit curious?”

MAGIC WORD.

Joan and Jess hit up the elevator, but they’re too late. The C-bomb has started his demonstration and his lackey on the door doesn’t even have a key to get in, which is a problem when they hear the glass of the window shattering. Fortunately the boss of the hotel appears with his Boss Key and opens the door.

The C-Bomb is dead, and the six journalists are all hypnotised. THAT’S GOT TO SUCK.

Enter the pipe smoking Lieutenant Bertcam (not kidding), who is stumped. Fortunately, JB is on the case. She Using Joan’s recording of the C-Bomb’s most recent performance, the police bring the journalists out of their trance. Honestly, where would these people be without our gal?

The good news is, JB’s picked up the scent of a juicy murder. The bad news is, she’s completely stumped as to how it happened…

JB sums it all up.

…so she pays a visit to the town shrink, to get a professional opinion. He volunteers to give Jess a demonstration by hypnotising her, and despite her rampaging scepticism she agrees. The doctor promptly turns our hero into a drunken barfly and a rich snob, just for our amusement.

I’m going to be honest with you – I got a bit distracted by the ink blot behind the doctor’s desk.

Freud would have a field day with me.

Reinvigorated, Jess goes back to the casino to do some sleuthing and discovers that the police are convinced that the hotel owner, Mr Kellijian is their number one suspect, despite the small matter of him walking out of an elevator seconds after the C-bomb was murdered. Jess isn’t the only one asking around either – Bud Michaels, whose drunken shenanigans caused the whole shindig in the first place, is determined to find out who killed the C-bomb and why, so that he can stop writing for Today Tonight the local rag, and work for a proper newspaper again. What he neglected to mention is that the reason he is writing for the local rag is because the C-bomb ruined his life back in the old country. Jess has a chat with the C-Bomb’s assistant and learns the truth. That, and that she used to be a trapeze stripper in Vegas.

Yeah. Just think about that one for a minute.

JB decides it’s high time she has a chat with this Mr Michaels, and asks him why he pretended to be rolling drunk the night of the murder. (Obviously that incident down in Hollywood has made her drunken senses much more keen). He admits to faking drunkeness in order to avoid the C-Bomb Sideshow, but doesn’t have an alibi. Before Jess can grill him even further, she spots a guy abseilling down the building and runs off to find out how such unauthorized activity can be taking place without her.

It turns out it’s a joint effort between the PD and Joan, who have the new working theory that a trapeze stripper from Vegas could easily rig up an abseil, wander over the side, stab the C-Bomb in the back and bugger off without being seen by anyone.  Sigh. People like this are why the Lindbergh baby was never found. Besides, a trapeze stripper from Vegas wouldn’t stab someone in the back, she’d glitterbomb them to death.

Fed up with the incompetence of those around her, Jess has a word with Mr Kellejian who scoffs at her mild suggestion that he is a suspect, and doubly so at the idea that his wife did it. Jess is unsure about this, and even less so when she spots Mrs K slinking out of the parking lot looking furtive.

Faced with a fleeing suspect, JB does the only thing she can do – hijacks a motorbike and guns it.

Life Lesson #22 – it is possible, if not advisable, to wear a skirt while riding a motorbike…

They tail Mrs K to a deserted road and watch her give an envelope to a mysterious man of mystery. JB’s chauffeur asks what that was about and JB primly says “I believe that’s what they refer to as a payoff”. Her new friend pisses himself laughing, so presumably “I believe that’s what they refer to as a payoff” is code for something, or JB goosed him. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Back at the hotel JB goes up to Mrs K’s room and demands an explanation. Mrs K admits to ordering a hit on the C-Bomb but was getting blackmailed by the hitman. She swears she had nothing to do with it, and JB tends to believe her, despite the whole contract killing biz. Jess is stumped, but when the Lieutenant mutters about his suspects being deaf, dumb and blind, she has an idea.

A cunning trap is set, and the killer falls right into it. JB ALWAYS GETS HER MAN.

And the killer is…Andy!

And there you have it folks. Andy is busted trying to avenge the death of his father, who committed suicide after the C-Bomb ruined his career, and Joan finally convinces Jess to write a book about it.

What hijinks will ensue next week? Stay tuned!