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S10E04 – The Phantom Killer

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It’s a sunny day in the Big Apple and the editor of Follies Magazine, Dean Richards, is having a bit of a day. His finance manager, Carter Drummond, has just informed him that the bank isn’t giving him another loan, he just got blasted over the phone by literary agent Gary Manning about his client Ben Forman’s upcoming profile on JB Fletcher, and his assistant Ellen Harper has just shown him some photos that suck.

Some top-notch exposition right there.

Across town, the profile piece on JB Fletcher is going well.

I mean if anyone’s going to solve it…

Unfortunately what with Ben’s constant crashing bumping and spilling things the interview has to be cut short as Jess has Business. Instead Ben decides he’ll follow JB around the next day.

Jess heads off to her lunch meeting, which happens to be with Dean Richards and his lady friend Kathryn Schofield, and assures Dean that the profile is going a treat and that Ben is adorable. Kathryn goes off to her photo shoot leaving Dean and Jess to throwback cocktails until local media mogul Harrison Kane pops up.

Alan Thicke = 50% responsible for the existence of Robin Thicke who is 100% responsible for Blurred Lines a song I’m still angry about. My vendettas are complicated and last ages.

“Been a long time!” He says to JB.

JB is in smackdown mode.

Turns out Harrison isn’t there to see JB, he just wants to remind Dean that if he doesn’t accept Harrison’s bid for the magazine Harrison will just run the magazine out of business. He sashays away, and JB explains to Dean that a year earlier Harrison was shopping around a movie option for one of JB’s books that he didn’t have rights to and did such a bad job that by the time a legitimate producer wanted the rights the whole thing was cactus.

Meanwhile, Ben is kicking back relaxing all cool shooting some bball outside after school at his house with his friend/raging crush Abby Peters, who is rehearsing for an audition that afternoon. She thinks she’d be a big success if she had an agent like Ben so he gives his agent a call, and tells Abby that she should call him that afternoon. Abby’s boyfriend Dave picks her up and tells her he hopes she’s learned her lines this time.

Jesus Dave, calm down.

After they leave Ben gets a phone call from Harrison Kane, who is rather impressed with Ben’s screenplay and wants to turn it into a movie, but he thinks Ben should get a different agent – Gary Manion is demanding 100K for the rights to it. Ben says he’ll see what he can do, and suggests Abby for one of the roles. Harrison tells him to have her people call his people to sort it out.

Harrison hangs up. Kathryn Schofield is disinterestedly reading a magazine on his couch.

The next day Ben manages to get his last bits of interview from Jess as she races about the place. As she jumps into a taxi, she gives him a free word of advice – keep an eye on his script, and his wallet, around Harrison Kane.

Word must get back to Gary Manion as he puts a ferocious call into Harrison Kane, livid that Kane has shopped around scripts he doesn’t have the rights to. Harrison can’t get a word in. Manion says it’s 100K or nothing, and there’ll be hell to pay if he shops the script around or does one of his famous scope’n’gropes on Abby Peters.

*Coughs* Relevant *Coughs*

Manion hangs up on Kane, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Carter Drummond, begging Harrison not to rescind his offer. Kane tells him too late, he’s going to destroy Follies Magazine and everyone involved in it, and to get the hell out. Carter departs, leaving Kane with a letter from his lawyers. Something about financial records which I’m sure is important.

Meanwhile, Kathryn is hard at work going about her model business, while a frustrated photographer called Hans bemoans her lack of interest. Dean calls a wrap and orders Hans to deliver some photos by 10am the next morning.

Sidenote: Uma Thurman’s Thanksgiving post on Insta was freaking amazing.

The above goes the way you expect these things to go. Ben arrives just to hear banging and crashing, Abby shouting “NO!” and then sees her run out of the room and into the elevator. He chases her but she flees into a taxi and disappears into the traffic. Meanwhile, room service arrives at Kane’s hotel room to find Kane dead in the bathtub with a hair dryer.

NYPD’s finest detective, Stan Zbornak Artie Gelber is naturally assigned the case and pops round JB’s house for a statement and a chat, as Jessica’s name appears in Harrison Kane’s little black book. JB confirms that she and Dean saw Kane at the restaurant two days ago, and that she and Kane didn’t have the best relationship. Artie wants to make this quick, he’s got reservations in the Catskills etc etc

10 points for that shirt though.

Ben Forman, who was at JB’s going over his draft of the profile piece, makes to leave but Artie has questions for him too.  Jess asks him if they have any suspects and Artie tells her half the world had it in for Harrison Kane. They do know that at some point the previous night Kane had a visitor from someone who liked cigars and bourbon but that they hadn’t ID’d them yet.

Down at Follies HQ Dean and Gary are getting into it over the phone, ending in Gary telling Dean to treat Ben with more respect or he walks, and Dean telling Gary if he tries to extort more money out of him for Ben they are all finished. Carter the finance guy is there too, freaking out after Harrison’s untimely demise – with him dead, the banks think Follies have no more money, but Dean says he’s got some leads.

Jess is summoned down to the precinct when her fingerprints turn up on a manuscript, but it turns out to be hers – the one Kane was shopping around without permission the previous year. Detective Henderson pops his head in to say they still hadn’t found Gary Manion, and that there were still some prints they hadn’t identified. Artie apologises for dragging Jessica into it and she tells him for what it’s worth she was home alone at the time of the murder.

Out in the street, Carter the finance guy and Ellen the assistant at Follies trade barbs. Ellen is meant to be spying on Dean for Carter, which she initially agreed to when Dean started up with Kathryn but now she wants out and she doesn’t care if Carter tells Dean she was spying for him.

Back at home Jess gets a phone call from Dean asking if she’s heard from Gary Manion or from Ben – he’s gone AWOL and hasn’t submitted his profile on JB. Jess tells him she’ll get right on it, and calls the phone company pretending to be Gary Manion’s secretary. Praise be for lax security.

And now lets take a moment to appreciate how 90s this actually is:

I can’t even.

Jess is hot on the trail of Garry Manion and heads down to his office, where she first runs into Abby Peters and then Artie and Detective Henderson, the latter of which elegantly breaks into the office. There’s no sign of Manion inside, but JB has a sneaking suspicion she knows where to find him.

They head over to Ben’s house, and find Garry on the phone, issuing more ultimatums.

YOU GUYS BEN WAS HIS OWN AGENT ALL ALONG *cue cheesy should have known face at camera*

Artie puts Ben under arrest and they all cruise down to the precinct. While Artie wanders around congratulating himself Ben explains to Jess that Garry Manion was a creation borne out of necessity – editors wouldn’t read his work unless he had an agent and agents wouldn’t look at his work unless he’d already sold something. So, he became Garry Manion.

Preach.

Artie pops back in and confirms that Ben’s prints are all over everything plus someone saw him there. Jess tells him to wait and speak to his lawyer but Ben says there’s no point, he’s ready to sign a confession. Artie’s stoked, he’s got Catskills to get to, but Jess isn’t buying it. She has a theory though.

Meanwhile, Dean and Kathyrn are out to dinner. Dean has an ulterior motive, which Kathryn spots a mile away – Dean needs more money to keep the paper afloat and Kathryn has it. They are interrupted by the appearance of Ellen, who lets Dean know the magazine went to print with the JB article and it’s great. She senses tension and wanders off again. Kathryn tells Dean she’ll think about the loan.

Jess goes to see Abby, and despite the constant interruptions from Dave the 90s guy, manages to get Abby to admit to being in the hotel room.

She also picks up a magazine.

In other news, this episode is ranked #5 in the list of movies and TV that contain a hairdryer in the bathtub according to IMDB.

At his studio, Hans is about to settle in for a solid night of drinking when he finds Carter sitting in a chair.

“The pictures Hans.” Says Carter.

“I haven’t got them.” Says Hans.

“Stop jerking me around Hans.” Says Carter. “Hello Hans. You’re breaking my balls”

The pictures, apparently, are of Kathryn in bed with Harrison Kane, which Carter was going to use to break up Dean and Kathryn. Hans tells Carter he destroyed them.

Back at the police station Abby explains what happened with Harrison and Ben explains that after he saw Abby run out he went in to yell at Harrison, found him dead, freaked out and tried to cover up evidence of Abby’s crime. Except it wasn’t Abby. Artie is delighted Jess convinced her to come forward, he’s sure that hers is the only set of fingerprints left unidentified and it seals Ben’s fate.

Artie’s about to head out at last, when he gets a phone call from Jess – she wants to know where Abby got that magazine from. She tells Artie she doesn’t know, and Artie and Jess go to her apartment to take a look at it. It’s addressed to Hans “You’re breaking my balls” the photographer.

Over dinner that night, Jess tells Dean and Kathyrn that the evidence against Abby is mounting up and that the police are going to search Abby’s apartment the next day. Which is all the bait she needs.

Ahhhh yes.

I mean everyone else had a motive, so why not her? She gave Harrison money to finance a movie that she was meant to be in, but then she found out Harrison had no money so she bumped him off.

Ugh it’s too hot to question this.

Later gang!

 

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S10E02 – For Whom The Bell Tolls

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Just one sec.

The important thing is I make myself laugh.

This demolition derby is in fact in NYC, and is being undertaken by the Gillrich brothers, Eugene and Walter. Their efforts are not going unnoticed and a group of concerned citizens is working to save three remaining brownstones from being demolished. Two have already been vacated but one still has people and even more conveniently a bar, which is where we find Our Heroine being recruited to the cause by local so-and-so Carol Collins. Jess is happy to chuck some coin in but she’s swamped with deadlines. They are soon joined by Margaret, who apparently is a friend of JB’s but I can’t work it out. Apparently some famous writers did some writing and some gangsters did some gangstering in the building, which of course JB knows all about because JB loves a good historical snoop.

My grandfather’s rule is that it’s socially acceptable to start drinking at 4pm (except on Christmas when it’s 12pm), which I think is incredibly reasonable.

Meanwhile all is not well in the state of Gillrich. There’s trouble with protestors, trouble with investors, and Walter is subjected to Lady Macbeth’s Gillrich’s plans for the interiors of Gillrich Tower which should absolutely in no way be confused with Trump Tower no siree Bob.

This is a Simpsons quote that frankly can’t get shouted enough.

Walter has had a phone call from Margaret.  There’s a hearing the next day to grant or deny an injunction requested by the Save Our Building mob, and Margaret just wants them to know that there will be pickets and TV crews and all sorts of shenanigans. Also, there’s an 87-year-old lady called Mrs Rhodes who isn’t leaving her apartment.

Eugene tells Walter not to worry about Mrs Rhodes, Walter wouldn’t let Eugene just kick her out so they are paying for the move to Florida. Walter is still anxious and wonders whether another site might be more suitable but Eugene tells him to shut it, and to keep his mouth closed during the hearing.

Now Fletcherfans, you’re not going to believe this, but the next day at the meeting Walter admits he has reservations about the project leaving the committee to adjourn for the day without reaching a verdict. Local reporter Mike LaRocca is there to cover all the reactions from Margarets (shy bafflement) to Carols (gloating) to Eugene and Walters (furious and stubborn silence respectively). He also gets the reaction from bar owner Nolan Walsh who is also keen to plug his new signature cocktail.

The signature cocktail is called A Hickey From Kernickie and seriously that should be true.

JB sees the news report and feels inspired (plus she’s totally on top of her deadlines now) so she calls Carol and offers her presence at the rally that evening. Carol is delighted and immediately tells her new boyfriend Eugene Gillrich all about it. He’s not too fussed, he’s there for one reason and one reason only – which is good news for Carol as she’s planning to record the whole thing on tape to share with the committee when it resumes in 48 hours.

Across town, Walter Gillrich sends his secretary home for the night, while Mike Larocca cops a bollocking from someone called Vic Barton for reasons that will become clear if you read the IMDB page like I just did. But for now, know that Vic and Mike want the building torn down.

Later…

They are really signalling the clues these days.

JB and Margaret arrive the same time as Lee Gillgrich pulls up in her car. They barely wonder what she’s doing there but it turns out her husband is inside the bar trying to milk some goodwill so there you go. JB gets interviewed by Mike, who starts with the question “So Mrs Fletcher, does your bar crawling bring you here often?”

This might have broken the sass-o-meter.

Post interview JB meets Mrs Rhodes’s nurse Josie Miles, who explains her patient isn’t up to coming downstairs but she’ll definitely sign the petition. Margaret gets a phone call from Walter and leaves the bar. Later, the bartender announces that the 5-0 have arrived to start towing cars, and there’s a mass exodus of people who leave to move their cars. Eugene sits down with Nolan and offers him more money to move the bar, or else feel his wrath. Nolan offers Eugene to feel his fist in Eugene’s face, at which Eugene picks himself up from the ground and departs with Mrs Gillrich.

The next day Lord and Lady Macbeth/Gillrich roll into work and find Walter dead at his desk. The NYPD are called to the scene, led by everyone’s favourite Golden Ex-Husband, Artie Gelber. Eugene and Lee tell Artie they can’t think of anyone who would want to kill Walter, he was liked by everyone.

As Artie leaves the scene of the crime he’s ambushed by Mike LaRocca who gets on his soapbox when Artie won’t give him anything, leaving Artie to tell him if he wants to make speeches he should run for office. LaRocca is ambushed himself when Vic Barton turns up again to inform him that with Walter dead the injunction to stop the demolition has been put on hold which means the demolition on hold. For the record, Mike LaRocca wants to do a TV special where he digs up Nolan’s bar to find the victims of a gangster who used to hang out there and presumably Vic Barton is bankrolling the special except this is never made clear at all.

Artie goes to see Margaret to get more info and runs into JB, who tells him she cannot really offer anything. Margaret says she spoke to Walter on the phone but that was it. Artie’s sidekick announces that Walter was shot between 8pm and 9pm. JB points out that if Walter was shot from behind sitting at Eugene’s desk then the assumption must be made that the intended target was Eugene and Artie agrees. His current theory is that a tenant whacked him to stop him from destroying their home. Margaret hands over a list of tenants still living in the buildings, including Mrs Rhodes who has lived there so long she’s only paying $300 per month.

What I would give for rent control to be a thing in Melbourne.

Meanwhile, there’s high drama in the gang to save the brownstones. Margaret has just told Carol that a whole heap of petitions have been declared invalid because they were signed by dead people (talk about burying the lede guys) and Carol tells Margaret that she knows she went to see Walter that night. The whole thing is a bit frosty.

After facing an apparent bust interviewing tenants, Artie turns his attention to Nolan Walsh, since he did punch out Eugene. Nolan tells him he’d totally whack Eugene but he had nothing against Walter, and he wouldn’t mistake the two. Artie gets a call from Detective Henderson who tells him they finally caught a break via some fingerprints.

Apparently, the fingerprints belong to Margaret, as her assistant tearfully explains to JB over the phone when she calls to cancel their meeting. JB is stunned, especially since she received a fax from Margaret smack bang in the middle of when Margaret should have been committing the crime. Oh the 90s, when we were all saved by fax machines.

JB finds Artie at the Gillrich offices and explains she’s convinced Margaret didn’t kill Walter but Artie is unimpressed. He’s a little more impressed when JB finds some blue fluff on the floor and deduces that Walter was actually killed in his office and wheeled into Eugene’s office to throw everyone off the scent, but he thinks this still proves Margaret is guilty.

#TeamDorothyForever (I haven’t seen that much Golden Girls but I think I’m more a Sophia)

Down at the police station JB tries to explain to Artie that he’s got it wrong, Margaret tells him he’s caving under pressure from Eugene Gillrich but Artie’s not buying it. Henderson pops up to confirm that all the tenants of the building had nothing against Walter Gillrich, except he still hasn’t spoken to Mrs Rhodes. According to her nurse, Mrs Rhodes has gone to New Jersey to see family/hit up the tables at Atlantic City (look at me go with my local references I’ve learnt from extensive television watching). Artie offering to make Margaret a coffee gives JB an idea and she bolts out of the office on a mission.

Back at the bar JB finds Carol and Nolan drinking to their almost guaranteed win at the planning committee hearing. Nolan offers his chair to JB and wanders off, leaving JB to confront Carol with the truth – she’d met Eugene before the hearing? JB knows this because she heard Eugene order Carol a martini with an onion without being told. Carol admits it freely and explains that she has Eugene on tape offering 50K for the save the building committee to stop its campaign against the development. JB is aghast but Carol doesn’t care – her reputation is already tarnished, it will do more damage to Eugene. She’s fine with it. The mailman drops some mail off for Mrs Rhodes and JB decides it’s time to pay a visit so she offers to take it upstairs.

Meanwhile, Nolan and Mike are having a chat about Mike’s plans to do a TV special and dig up the bones of the victims of the gangster that used to hang out there. Nolan’s on board until Mike starts talking about how much money he will make, then he throws him out of the bar.

(In case you were wondering if this storyline sounded familiar)

Upstairs, JB knocks on Mrs Rhodes’s door and explains she has her fitness mags but not her social security check. The door opens, and it’s the nurse. You caught me, she says.

DAT FACE THO

Josie goes downstairs to move her car and tells JB that when Mrs Rhodes died she left everything to Josie as she had no other family. She notified everyone else, she just kind of forgot to tell the rental authority.

JB suddenly remembers something else. Something about cars being towed. She drags Artie down to the town planning injunction committee and snags Mr and Mrs Gillrich for a private word.

Surprised or not surprised? I’ll never know.

Ah yes. Lady Macbeth was getting annoyed at Walter’s lack of support for her husband’s plans to take over the world and so shot him. You know. The usual.

Later gang!

 

 

S09E21 – The Survivor

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In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the mystery writers who investigate crime; and the everyone else, who do what they’re told. These are their stories.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long. Surely not.

It’s the middle of a night and a gang of thieves, who are less of a gang and more of a small army, are making off with the contents of a warehouse down by the docks. A call comes into the head burglar and they leg it just before a convoy of NYPD arrive. The convoy, lead by Detective Sergeant Vince Lofton, are furious. Lofton announces that they are being shut down if they don’t catch the gang soon, and as it’s clear there’s a leak in the group, he is getting some outside help.

Lofton leaves his posse to meet another detective, who is supplying the new recruit. Captain Meyers, it turns out, is in Internal Affairs, and has a file all about Lofton’s new recruit, John Bondy.

*beats head against desk*

Lofton is convinced a cop is dirty, but Meyers isn’t so sure.

Over at House Fletcher, a misbehaving computer sees JB go into panic mode and call her friendly neighbourhood computer technician to beg her to stop Jess from murdering her computer. Paula the technician promises to be around on Friday.

Bondy, John Bondy, throws himself into his new undercover gig down at the docks and manages to get one of the thieves to promise the name of his contact on the NYPD, but not before Friday. Bondy reports back to Lofton, who surmises this means the thief is going to report in about the new guy at the dock, so when he introduces Bondy to the rest of the strike team, the dirty cop will know and prevent his meeting with the thief. I think. Bondy is worried he’s being made the bait but don’t worry you guys, Lofton’s a man with a plan. Bondy suddenly remembers he has a date on Friday, but Lofton tells him not to worry it will all be fine.

Friday rolls around and Paula pops in to work her magic on JB’s computer before heading out on her date. JB wants to hear more about her quest to find her birth family, but apart from some searches on some internet bulletin boards, Paula has heard nothing new. What a rich back-story. A call from downstairs signals the arrival of Paula’s date and YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT IT’S JOHN BONDY.

The hell name is John Bondy though.

Cut to a barbecue in the suburbs, where the entire strike team has a day off and is enjoying beers while the father-in-law of one of them, whose name may or may not be Jimbo,  handles the meat. John and Paula arrive and get introduced to everyone and GUYS YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS but Paula used to date one of the detectives, Sonny Greene. I mean what were the odds.

Later that night, Jess is chilling out waiting for the Fletch Signal to appear in the sky when she gets a phone call. There’s been an accident. She rushes down to the hospital to discover Paula unconscious, and Detective Sergeant Lofton explaining that the car hit a wall and exploded and all they could read from the things in her purse were Jessica’s name and number. They aren’t sure who the driver was on account of the flames.

Jessica tells them she doesn’t know much about Paula, she has no family but she was on a date with someone called John Bondy.

Guys I’m not sure Lofton is that great at his job

Paula starts to wake up and tells them that John’s dead. The doctor tells her it was instantaneous in the crash but she tells them he was dead before the crash, and more to the point she was never in John’s car. They left the barbecue so that John could meet someone for a business thing, and Paula was to wait for him in the diner but when he didn’t show she went looking for him and found him dead in the driver’s seat of his car. The last thing she remembers before passing out is BLOOD! ALL THE BLOOD.

Lofton wants her woken up for more questions but the doctor quite rightly tells him to get out. Jessica follows, wanting to know why he thinks it’s a murder, after all, why else would he be there? He tells her about Bondy John Bondy being a cop, and his new partner, and thinks he might have been targeted. Jessica asks him what happens if the killer finds out that Paula is still alive and he tells her he will put a detail on her.

While Lofton gets to work finding out what the bloody hell is going on, Jessica naps in the waiting room. She is woken by a passing nurse who informs her that Paula is awake and asking for her. In her room, Paula has remembered more about the party – namely that John didn’t know anyone there except for one guy who turned up later drunk. That guy was Lofton, and he started trying to pick a fight with Bondy, spilling ice cream all over Jimbo’s pants, sending him home to change them before he went to show a property to someone somewhere something something.

Paula catches sight of Lofton and starts freaking out, so the Doctor orders him out of the room. Jessica follows him out, wanting to know what the hell that was about, but Lofton says he hasn’t got time to worry about it and if Jessica still wants to help she should meet him at the car yard so they can go over John’s car together.

The next morning a forensic mechanic ( a job title I totally just made up but it’s probably a thing) discovers the accelerator pedal had been jammed down with a paperclip, thereby proving that MacGuyver was the killer, case closed. Jess still wants to know what Lofton’s scene at the barbecue was about, and Lofton reveals he is actually Internal Affairs and explains the sting down at the docks. He is feeling guilty as hell about Bondy John Bondy’s death, they both knew he was bait and Lofton couldn’t stop him from getting killed. So he’s going to get justice and noone is going to stop him.

Back at home JB gets a visit from Captain Meyers who begs her to leave the investigating to the police, but when the doctor at the hospital calls to tell JB that someone had just broken into Paula’s room and tried to kill her JB tells the cop to go jump and rushes down to see Paula. Lofton is also there, and decides to come clean to both of them about the extent of his and Bondy James Bondy’s investigation (SO MANY FLASHBACKS). To cut a long story short, Lofton’s plan was to tail whoever left the party after Bondy John Bondy but it all went pearshaped when Sonny left first but wasn’t heading to the pub where the meeting was supposed to take place, and by the time Lofton realised and hotfooted it over to the pub Bondy was already dead. Hence, guilt.

While Lofton cops a bollocking from Meyer about the entire business Doctor Call-Me-Ramon and Jessica get Paula settled back in her apartment but not long after the Doc leaves the strike team arrives, ostensibly  to check-in on Paula but mostly to suss out what she knows about the whole business.  She tells them she is Jon Snow about the whole thing***, and they ask her to give one of them a call if she hears anything. Sonny tells her he’s still on the same number. After they leave, Jess finds a pair of sunglasses and recognises them as belonging to one of the detectives, Alex Machio (son-in-law of Jimbo the barbecuer for those playing along at home) and decides to return them.

Over at the Machio’s Mrs Machio is confused when Jess drops off the sunglasses and then outraged when Jess wonders how an NYPD detective can afford $200 sunnies. When Jess explains she is a friend of Paula’s Jill explains they get a lot of financial help from her father, who just this minute is walking in the room with his grandson who drew a picture of his grandad’s car in art class.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there appears to be some sort of sorcery involved with this car I’m suspicious.

Down at the docks Lofton is on the hunt for Bondy John Bondy’s contact and finally finds him. Vinnie doesn’t want to talk, but having a loaded gun pointed in his face soon jogs his memory.

JB delivers some icecream to Paula, who returns the favour by giving Jess a written account of everything she remembers, although none of it really make sense. It makes sense to JB though, who gets straight on the phone to Captain Meyers.  Meanwhile, Vinnie takes Lofton to Chinatown, and points out the car belonging to the cop. It’s a car. A big red car. Toot toot chugga chugga.

Lofton takes matters into his own hands and breaks into the warehouse, where he finds what he was looking for a guilty man.

Not touching that one.

Fortunately JB and Captain Meyers arrive just in time to stop Lofton for cocking up another investigation.

To be honest I would have been more impressed if Mrs Machio had done it but whatever.

Poor Alex. He’s just found out his father in law is a stolen goods kingpin, and a murderer, and Alex has accidentally been helping. #awkward.

But it’s not all bad news. Paula is off to meet her birth father, and Lofton promises not to get in the way, which is apparently the funniest thing anyone has said all week. Seriously, rich back story.

Later Fletcherfans!

 

 

 

 

***Yesterday there was a horse running in the Caulfield Cup called Jon Snow. I put a bet on it. It lost. You can take it from here.

 

 

S09E19 – Lone Witness

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So I know everything in the world is pretty much going to hell right now (and I hope that if you’re in the path of those hurricanes in America that you stay safe!) but here’s the thing.

Remember that time I tried to write about an episode but Richmond was playing and it all went terribly wrong?  Well, Friday night it all went terribly right and now Richmond is one game away from the Grand Final which is like the Superbowl but is less glamorous but very drunker. There is also a theory around town that Richmond winning the grand final will signal the final apocalypse, which I know would be bad but technically a Richmond grand final is the only thing left on my bucket list so I mean really…

(I kid. I don’t want the world to end. There are far too many tasty foods to be eaten).

What I mean is, the blog may or may not be sporadic the next couple of weeks while I have a complete emotional breakdown re: football. As it is I have no voice and not much hearing. But for now, onwards!

This week is kicking off in AmesterDAYUM (shout out to all the fans of Belinda Blinked), where a flight attendant is delivering diamonds to a cheerful old guy, before cutting to the Big Apple where JB has somewhat optimistically given her kitchen over to her old friend from Cabot Cove, Susan Wells, who is planning to pitch a cookbook to Jessica’s publisher through a festive dinner party.  Ingredients are in fact currently being delivered by the world’s greatest delivery boy.

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT HIM.

I adore Neil Patrick Harris. I’m just going to come right out and say it. His Halloween family photos are amazing, I’m still devastated I missed out on tickets for Hedwig when I was in NYC, and this whole thing remains one of my favourite uses of Internet ever. Also, Dr Horrible.

Anyway, Tommy Patrick Harris Remsen drops off some more groceries for Susan and a new story for JB to read before charming both of them and heading off. Back at the grocery store he runs into the flight attendant, whose name is apparently Monica, and gets to work charming her before his boss Ben pops in to tell him he forgot the bay leaves for Jessica’s order, but now there are other things and to stop flirting with the customers.  Tommy rushes off, leaving Ben to explain to Monica that she needs to pay her grocery tab or he’s going to have to cut her off.

Monica heads home to her apartment, where her landlord/bookie Vic is delighted to see her, mainly because it would appear he owes him money too. She tries to get him to take a bet for her but he refuses until she pays what she owes. Inside her apartment, she finds her neighbour Sandy watering her plants and babbling about how crazy Monica’s social life is. Monica begs for some quiet and Sandy cracks it and storms off, leaving Monica to call her boss and let them know about the money diamonds situation.

While Tommy is getting chewed out by his swim-coach Dad for spending too much time writing stories and chasing girls and not enough time doing laps, Monica gives the money she got from Amerstdam to her boss Fred Turner, and tells him she wants out, but he’s not having a bar of it. He tells her she can quit when he tells her she can quit and leaves. He puts a call in to his boss and confirms that Monica has been skimming money.

Back at House Fletcher the banquet preparation is going…well it’s going.  Susan loses her mind at the idea of no chanterelle mushrooms (blerch, mushrooms are the tool of Satan), and so to placate her JB calls old mate Joe at the grocery. He tells Tommy to take some around to JB’s AFTER he gets a cheque from Monica, who managed to skip out of the store with a six pack and a smile, nice one Tommy.

Tommy cruises on over to Monica’s building inexplicably goes into the laundry room and finds Monica dead with Fred standing over her. A shot is fired and Tommy wisely legs it out of there and goes to tell Jessica what happened, losing his hat in the process. She calls the police and they meet them at Monica’s building where it turns out, there is no body to be found. And by no body, I..you know what I mean. Lieutenant Warren is inclined to think that the only crime that’s happened is lying to a police officer, but JB isn’t so sure, so they cruise on up to Monica’s apartment to see if she’s there. Instead, they find Vic fixing a tap and swearing Monica only stepped out about ten minutes earlier.

Just because.

The lieutenant and his sidekick Detective Flowers scold Tommy for wasting their time and Tommy rushes off. Warren admits to Flowers that Tommy might have seen something, and to keep trying to call Monica. Also, that other precinct was totally right about Jessica Fletcher.

Tommy heads home, not seeing Fred Turner standing on the corner. Fred sees him though and starts to follow. Back at Monica’s apartment, Vic is on the hunt for Monica but Sandy tells him she hasn’t seen her, also she’s making brisket, Vic’s favourite, is he still coming around? Vic says he’ll let her know. Over at House Fletcher, Susan thinks Tommy made the whole thing up to cover up dropping the box of groceries, but Jess is more interested in inviting more people to dinner.

Tommy’s Dad decides to issue a 50 lap penalty for lying to the police and seems surprised when Tommy runs off. Tommy sees Fred again and hightails it out of there, leaving a very confused Tommy’s Dad looking at Fred and wondering just what the hell is going on.

That night, Susan is having a meltdown about the sugar for the creme brulee when Jessica discovers an important clue in the sugar bag.

Guys, Susan is a hot mess right now. She needs a valium and a lie down.

Jess alerts the authorities immediately, but they remain unconcerned, despite Flowers not being able to get hold of Monica. Warren also tells JB that Tommy has gone AWOL.

Jessica goes to see Tommy’s father, who initially doesn’t want to to talk to the lady who is messing with his son’s swimming career, but is worried when he hears about the bullet and tells her about Tommy running away from Fred. Jess heads back over to Monica’s apartment where Sandy is in no way appearing to be a creepy neighbour, she’s totally fine. She just loves to talk about what an exciting life Monica leads.

Now imagine Sandy and Susan just kicking back with a cup of tea. Imagine that conversation. Now relish the fact that you aren’t a part of it.

Inside Monica’s apartment is a mess. Sandy is starting to worry that all is not well with her shiny neighbour. Jess finds an over watered plant and a betting slip from Vic, so she goes to chat with him about it.

Also Vic admits that he hadn’t seen Monica when he said he had, he was looking for money in her apartment. Vic takes her down to the storage room where they find Monica’s bag and a one way ticket to Geneva.  Vic is furious but Jess is worried that there might be someone else who is furious.

Down at the precinct Warren accepts JB’s news about the bag and reports that Monica’s body has turned up in the Hudson, strangled to death. He was two theories about the murder – either Tommy did it when Monica rebuffed his advances (*coughs* Gone Girl *coughs*) or there was a second person in the room when Tommy walked in and they were the person who shot at Tommy. Jess thinks the second option is far more likely, and Warren is inclined to agree. Noone wants to think of an All American kid, peering out from under his baseball cap with those big blue eyes as being capable of murder.

Alright calm down Warren.

Back at home, Jess decides to read Tommy’s new short story, which Susan helpfully spoils by revealing the ending.

#NotAllSusans

Susan’s given JB an idea about where Tommy might be hiding, so she calls Lieutenant Warren and Tommy’s Dad and they head over to the school. Tommy’s Dad lets JB in to the school, where they find the pool room door clearly broken into. A chivalrous Tommy’s Dad (I could look it up but I don’t want to) insists he go in first, JB following close behind. There’s a body in the pool but it’s not Tommy, it’s Fred. Lieutenant Warren orders Flowers to get forensics on the case, and then follows Tommy’s Dad and JB up into the storage room.

And of course, guess who?

Barney Stinson. I barely got to see much of HIMYM but I loved what I did see.

While Tommy reunites with his father, Warren wanders off and returns balancing a gun on a pen. Tommy swears he’s never seen it before, but according to Warren it’s been recently fired so for now Tommy is going into protective custody because either Fred’s killer/accomplice is still out there, or…

Accurate.

Down at the precinct through, Warren changes his mind. All the forensics and ballistics and callisthenics all point towards Tommy as being the killer of both Fred and Monica. Tommy’s dad is shattered, but JB isn’t having a bar of it. Warren assures him this is all hard on him too.

Back at House Fletcher JB is helping with the final preparations for the dinner party, to whit helping put some salmon mousse on a plate.

Whatever Susan, my Mum’s is better (we have it every Christmas)

Suddenly the overflowing sink gives her an idea, and she arranges to meet Lieutenant Warren over at Monica’s house. She explains she worked out why Monica’s place had been broken into, and what they were looking for. She pulls out a bag of diamonds from the pot plant. And by they she means Fred Turner and his partner.

#notallcops

Not only did JB figure it out, but she had a little help from Detective Flowers too. Turns out, it was all about the money.

But never mind that because

SUSAN! STOP!

I have no voice and I can barely hear. It’s going to be a fun September!

S09E16 – Threshold of Fear

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In the Big Apple again Fletcherfans, where the good residents have issued the Fletcher-signal.

I mean they might possibly get murdered less, but the world would be far less interesting.

This time it’s the doorman Richie who is in need. He’s worried about one of the other residents, Alice Morgan, who hasn’t left her apartment in five years and now refuses to open her door.

Never one to let a Fletchsignal go unanswered, Jess accompanies Richie upstairs, where she eventually gets Alice to let her into her apartment.

I’ll think of something for this, leave it with me.

Alice is having a bit of a time – she’s started having dreams about the night her mother was murdered, and it’s all gone a bit wrong now that the person she dreamt killed her mother has turned up on TV spruiking his architectural amazingness.

Turns out he was in the Death on the Nile episode of Poirot I watched the other week too. Adjust your social medias accordingly.

Alice flips out, saying that in her dream Jordan Barnett (see above) kills her mother and then someone turns into an owl or something. Fortunately for everyone Alice’s doctor, Ellen Holden (aka Margot Kidder, aka Lois Lane) arrives and quickly boots JB out of the apartment.

Over at Jordan Barnett’s Emporium of Wonderment, Jordan is congratulating himself on another job well done when his assistant Laura shows him the list of enquiries the TV station got after his appearance on their show. He sees Alice’s name and rushes out. While he waits for his valet to collect his car, a dude named Ben harasses him about how Jordan stole his ideas for something but Jordan just puts his foot down and leaves in a cloud of dust. Meanwhile, at Dr Holden’s clinic, Ellen is stopped at the door by Alice’s brother Peter (aka the boss lady’s nephew), who demands she convince Alice to agree to sell the family brownstone.

Jessica, who can’t let a situation go unsnooped for the better of mankind, goes to see her friend Lieutenant Artie Gelber (aka Stan Szbornak from the Golden Girls). Artie is happy to let her go through his files, but she doesn’t find much – Alice’s mother was murdered five years ago, three months after her husband left her, and Jordan Barnett hadn’t been in New York for five years.

That night, Alice gets a knock at the door.

Well, that’s not half terrifying.

Alice calls down to Richie who summons the Avengers Jessica and Alice’s neighbour Henry. As the elevator doors open Jordan legs it. Richie chases him while Jessica tells Alice it’s all alright now, she can open the door. Dr Holden is summoned, and she pumps a whole lot of drugs into Alice before throwing Henry and JB out, insisting that Alice needs to be left alone, she’s just too fragile.

Jess and Artie pop round Jordan’s office the next day to see what’s up. Jordan insists he went there because the name matched someone he used to date, but it wasn’t the person he thought it was and so he legged it when she freaked out and a horde of angry neighbours descended upon him. Fair enough, says Artie, and leaves him to a pissed off Laura, who has been fielding messages from Dr Holden.

Jess invites Alice’s brother Peter (actually her stepbrother, but whatever) around to find out why his father bailed, but more specifically whether Jordan Barnett had anything to do with Alice or Peter or Alice’s mother. Peter isn’t giving out info for free though – he wants JB to convince Alice to sell the house, and Dr Holden hasn’t come through. Jessica says she’ll see what she can do, and Peter tells her that he thinks his father was going to hire Jordan to renovate the house.

Speaking of, Jordan is busy working late with Dr Holden, who is insisting that Laura gets her marching orders, or Alice might start to believe that her dreams are real. Later, when he’s waiting for a cab, someone helpfully comes up and stabs in the chest, leading to one of the most energetic death scenes of this whole show. Trust me, it’s pretty great.

Artie Gelber rolls down to investigate and spots a necklace on the ground. He orders his sidekick Detective Grady (if ever there was an oxymoron) to pick it up and take it to forensics, Gelber’s back is killing him. Later, they interview Ben the guy who yelled at Jordan, who swears he didn’t kill him he was just pissed that Jordan screwed him when he left town suddenly five years ago.

Over brunch, Artie and JB discuss the situation. Jess has a theory – Jordan found Alice’s mothers body back in the day, and that he was killed because he worked out who the actual killer was. Meanwhile, Peter bashes on Alice’s door, demanding she sign the papers to sell the house so they can get back to being the brother and sister they always were. Alice tells them they were never really brother and sister and begs him to go away. Henry pops his head out as Peter leaves and goes to check on Alice. They have a lovely awkward cup of tea and listen to Chopin before Henry shuffles out backwards. (Watch this episode, there’s some awesome weird stuff going on and I like it).

Down at the precinct, Artie gets a call that his daughter is going into labour and tells Grady the case is his, and not to screw it up.

 

 

I think we’ve all heard that before.

Jess stops by Alice and Peter’s old house to summon a ghost or do a seance or some such business. She finds a paperweight with an owl on it, thereby solving the mysterious case of the owl. (#TheOwlsAreNotWhatTheySeem #TwinPeaks #TeachMeHowToDougie). Peter appears and asks her what she’s doing there, she tells him she just wanted to see the place, Alice gave her a key. She says Alice told her Peter was away at school the night her mother died and he says he was. He also says he has no idea where his father is or why he left, but thanks JB for going in to bat for him with Alice.

#LadyOlennaForever

Jessica arrives home at her apartment building to discover that Detective Grady has taken it upon himself to arrest Alice for the murder of Jordan Barnett, because agoraphobia shmagoraphobia.

Grady by name, Grady by nature.

Grady apologises for bollocksing up the investigation but does point out that the locket they found at the murder scene belonged to Alice. Both Jessica and Artie wonder who had access to Alice’s apartment who might have taken the locket. Henry excuses himself and goes back to his apartment.

Later that night, Alice knocks on JB’s door. Ironically, getting arrested has shown her she has nothing to fear in the big bad world, and she’d like Jessica to accompany her to the old brownstone to confront her memories. When they arrive, Alice talks JB through her mother’s murder but freaks out at the thought of the hawk that I thought was owl, whatever I’m not a doctor.

Jessica thinks she knows who killed Alice’s mother, and it wasn’t Jordan Barnett, but a squeaky floorboard upstairs tells JB they need to get back to Alice’s apartment.

Because, you guys…

It was only a matter of time…

He killed them! He killed them all! Because Barnett had an affair with Alice’s mother, and there was no one left to defend his father’s honour except Peter. Oh, it wasn’t a paperweight, it was a bike helmet and that’s what Alice saw. Ohhhhhh I’m really not good at this.

But it’s okay you guys. Peter got arrested, Dr Holden got suspended for being a crap psychiatrist and Henry and Alice are taking JB to the philharmonic or a Metallica gig I forget which. Whatever, the sun’s out.

Later gang!

S09E12 – Double Jeopardy

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Back in the Big Apple Fletcherfans, where JB is issuing homework to her crime-writing class, while a basketball game goes on in the gym next door being led by Father Michael, aka Chakotay from Star Trek Voyager.

Pointing man represents me every time there’s a celebrity within 1o paces (if he’s pointing at food).

He is *puts on sunglasses* A LITTLE PRIEST. #nailedit

Father Michael thinks Jessica should have a priest in her next book, but Jess thinks the holy father might have more divine mysteries to solve. Then they start listing priest detective mysteries, and I wandered off to see what was happening at Comic-Con (I am only watching Justice League for sassy Jeremy Irons, there I said it). Father Michael thinks people need to see priests as down for solving secular mysteries, and not the dusty old stereotypes of the clergy.

(Not for nothing but I started watching The Keepers yesterday and just between you and me dusty old stereotypes are the least of the clergy’s problems).

Jess tells Father Michael that no one would believe that a doctor of philosophy that built up a successful business would become a parish priest. Father Michael tells her the story doesn’t have to be about him.  He notices the Galvan brothers talking in a corner and asks them what’s up – they tell him that the jury has reached a verdict. He promises he will be there.

Turns out the jury was reaching a verdict as to whether Frank Fernandez (previously seen here) was guilty of the murder of Roberto Galvan, Jose and Tony’s father. Turns out, due to a lack of body and some circumstantial evidence, he is found not guilty. His son Raymond declares that there was no body because there was no murder, and Tony swears he will rip Frank’s face off. His mother Maria scolds him and he takes off, followed by Jose. Frank tells Maria that it’s all over, he doesn’t have to deal with her fantasies anymore. Maria says they both know the truth and storms off. Father Michael and Frank glare at each other for a moment before he too storms off.

A couple of weeks later JB is returning homework to her class, who happens to include Jose Galvan. He’s unhappy to get a C on his most recent assignment, but JB says she knows how hard it is to write when your mind is on something else. She asks him if the story is based on his brother, and he says it is – since the verdict Tony has been getting angrier and angrier every day.  Class begins and today it’s about research. The class ask JB how she does it and she shows them her murder research book, filled with articles and reference notes. She tells them they can check it out at the library.

After class JB chats with Jose and his wife Ruth. Jose has decided to apply for the police academy, much to Ruth and Maria’s worry. A car pulls up at the kerb and Raymond Fernandez picks up one of the girls from the class while issuing a warning to Jose to stay out of his family’s business.

Sidenote: THIS JACKET.

IT LOOKS SO WARM I AM SO JEALOUS MY SHAMPOO SOLIDIFIED MY APARTMENT IS THAT COLD I HATE YOU WINTER.

As Raymond drives off, Lieutenant Davis pulls up to issue a similar warning to Jose and his brother, but Jose tells him that if the police did their jobs there’d be nothing to worry about. He and Ruth leave, and Davis admits to JB that Jose has a point. The case should have never gone to trial, there just wasn’t enough evidence but now Frank Fernandez has gotten away with murder.

At church, Father Michael congratulate the Galvan’s on not going after Fernandez and announces he is going to run for Roberto’s seat on the council. Maria is delighted, but Tony tells Father Michael he’d better get used to looking over his shoulder.

Meanwhile, OH GOD THE NEW KINGSMAN TRAILER LOOKS AMAZING SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.

That night, Frank and Raymond Fernandez are celebrating the end of their legal troubles with a game of pool and debating the consequences of Father Michael’s election tilt. Raymond thinks Father Michael should have known better what with what happened to Roberto, and that Father Michael is going to need more than a crucifix to help him in the real world. Frank tells his son to watch his tone.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Father Michael goes to visit JB for a pep talk but they are soon interrupted by Frank Fernandez, who wants to encourage Father Michael not to run for council.

100% didn’t hear a thing.

After Fernandez leaves, Jessica asks Father Michael just what their beef is, and he tells her it’s nothing. Oh, except Fernandez is his father.

DUN DUN.

Father Michael explains that he found out when he was 10 – when his mother was dying – and that she told him to stay away from Frank, he’s bad news. Which turned out not to be a problem as Frank never acknowledged Michael or tried to contact him. Jess thinks he came with more than threats on his mind, she thought he seemed concerned and regretful, but Father Michael’s like nah whatevs.

JB pops around to Maria Galvan’s plant store to pick up some bromeliads and have a cup of tea. Ruth and Jose are both working there – apparently Ruth went on a trip to the Carribean and came back with all sorts of new plants for the store which seems like questionable quarantine laws to me. (Australia’s laws are intense, and the laws between Tasmania and everywhere else doubly so).

Over at House Fernandez Frank discovers that Raymond is dealing crack and confronts him. Raymond tells him to calm down, he’s in the crack house business whether he likes it or not. Frank threatens to call the police but Raymond tells him he won’t, and he’s right.

That night JB gets a phone call from Lieutenant Davis – Roberto Galvan’s body has surfaced, literally.

“Are there any signs he was murdered?” Asks JB.

Seems definitive

Ponderous JB is ponderous.

The next morning Davis drops the news off to the Galvans and the boys are predictably pissed that Frank has seemingly gotten away with it. Davis warns them that he will come after them if they try anything on with Frank. Maria is quietly devastated, she thinks it’s all her fault that she pushed the DA into trying the case too early, but JB tells her that even if they’d waited there’s no guarantee Frank would have been convicted.

While Ruth confronts Jose about his lack of emoting re: his father, Raymond sidles up to an underworld pal of his and asks him if he’d mind coming to pay a visit on the Galvan brothers. They announce their arrival by smashing the glass on the front door of Maria’s shop, but the boys have already legged it. They stop on the fire escape so that Jose can give Tony his jacket, he decides to go back to check on his mother. Raymond and his henchdude, not finding the boys, tell Maria to tell them to stay gone, to which she replies if Raymond hurts her boys she will kill him herself.

Guys this episode is so longgggggggg.

Father Michael hears of what went down and goes to confront his father, to the point where Raymond pulls a gun on him. Frank assures Michael that there will be no more violence, and after Michael leaves gives Raymond a bollocking. Raymond starts whingeing about family honour and blah blah blah and Frank correctly wonders where a drug dealer gets off talking about honour. He orders Raymond to call off his henchdudes and later rings Father Michael to request a meeting at the church. Raymond overhears this and Frank tells him he wants Raymond out of the house and out of his life.

Frank arrives at the empty church, goes into the confessional and is sprayed by a shadowy figure wearing a St Julian’s jacket not dissimilar to Jose’s. The killer runs out of the church, spotted by Ruth, while Frank collapses in Father Michael’s arms which would have been totes poignant except they killed the music just to hear Michael say “Amen” before a big musical flourish and frankly the whole thing made me snort. (If you’ve seen the episode you’ll probably know what I mean. Very soap operaish)

Wow JB’s got 15 minutes to find the killer, she’d better get to work.

Seeing the Fletch Signal in the sky, Jess heads down to the church to console Father Michael, while Lieutenant Davis gets his detecting on. He spots a stain in the confessional which Father Michael says wasn’t there when he last used it, leading Davis (and JB) to suspect Frank might have been murdered. (Father Michael got called away at the last minute which is why he wasn’t there apparently, I was watching the Ready Player One trailer tbh).

Jess runs into Tony in the hallway getting a gun out of his locker but he won’t give it to her. He looks alarmed when she tells him that Frank is dead, and then jogs away, still wearing his brother’s jacket. The St Julian’s one. I feel like this is important.

The next day Davis tells JB that they’ve got a lock on the stain in the confessional – it contains a couple of poisons made from plants found in Jamaica. He asks JB if this ever came up in her class, and she tells him yes, and mentions the reference book she talked about. Davis tells her that the plants can both be found in the Galvan’s store, but Jess thinks that’s not proof of anything. Davis thanks her for the info and tootles off. Later that night, Jess overhears a confrontation between Father Michael and Raymond, when Raymond tries to donate 25K to the church ‘in memory of his father’ but Father Michael refuses to accept it.

Oh my god this episode just keeps going. 10 minutes Fletcher, get on to it.

Maria Galvan goes to see Davis at the precinct, only to be told that the only person to check JB’s recommended book on poisons out of the library was Jose. Maria quickly admits to the murder, but when she can’t correctly identify the poisons that were used he sends her home again. She fills JB in on what’s happened, but something doesn’t seem right and she heads down to the library. She asks the librarian who shows her the borrow sheet, for when the student doesn’t have their library card. The book in question has just been returned, and so Jess asks if she can borrow it.

DAMN STRAIGHT

Jessica is summoned to the church, where Father Michael has convinced Ruth to tell Jessica what she saw the night of the murder. She tells them about seeing Jose running away, she knew it was him because of his jacket. Later, Tony resurfaces and swears he never took the jacket off.

Long, LONG story short…

THIS IS THE LONGEST EPISODE IN HISTORY OR AT LEAST SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAID THAT.

Oh thank god. Obvious suspect is obvious, everyone goes on with their lives and I google pictures of Bat-fleck looking bored at Comic-Con because it might give me special powers, you can’t prove that it won’t.

Get ye to the nearest library Fletcherfans!

Later gang!

 

 

 

S09E10 – The Sound of Murder

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Back in the Big Apple this week Fletcherfans, where JB has branched out into writing classes, and is already dishing out some life lessons (Life Lesson #69 – “Believe me the most difficult part of writing is actually getting started!”)

As the class wraps up, one of the students, Holly Chase, informs JB that she has convinced her bosses at Rojam Records to let Jessica record her next audiobook there for free – she just needs to come in the evenings, and pop in the next day for a photoshoot with the Big Boss, Freddie Major (aka Vince Fontaine from Grease, and this episode)

The man himself, it just so happens, is across town ironing out the final terms of Rojam’s purchase by another company, led by a dude called Mitch Randall – mainly that band Mirabilis stays part of Rojam, but the A&R director goes on account of being mob connected. Freddy isn’t pleased about this but Mitch reminds him of the money. Outside a man in a van listens in, while on a completely unrelated note, Mitch Randall’s piece on the side Michelle has agreed to sign with Rojam, her voice is amazing, you’re gonna love her. And one more thing – Michelle says there’s some guy called Willie Piper who sounds amazing and Rojam should sign him immediately if not sooner.

So you know. There’s stakes.

Jessica arrives for her photo shoot the next day, but Freddie’s still in taking photos with Mirabilis.

There’s a lot going on there and I’m just talking about the hair.

Job done, the hair goes on its merry way and JB sits down at the piano with Freddie. She thanks him for the use of his studio and his sound engineer and he says “Sure! Hey you know anything about music Mrs Fletcher?”

HER FACE.

Freddie goes on to explain that Mirabilis have a new song coming out called Bulletproof but they’ve stuffed up the bass line and despite his pleas they won’t change it. Life is nothing but pain for Freddie.

Photo shoot over, it’s time for Jessica to go on with her day. Freddie invites her to the filming of the Bulletproof music video that Saturday, and they are joined by Richard Lefko (the Mob guy) and Charles George Drexler, the manager of Mirabilis. Coincidentally, both are in the new season of Twin Peaks.

I mean I want to talk about that last episode of Twin Peaks but it was…I mean I can….do you….it just….WHAT EVEN IS WORDS.

This is the water and this is the well you guys.

Freddie has a meeting with Richard and Charles, so Jess heads off for a tour of the building with Freddie’s right hand woman Julie. As they leave Jess bumps into a random executive and apologises, and Holly reminds Jessica that they have tickets to a Magnetech concert the next night. Julie is surprised to hear this, she doesn’t peg Jessica as a heavy metal fan.

I beg to differ.

Charles lays down the conditions for Mirabilis staying with Rojam, and reminds Freddie that he can’t afford to say no. Freddie vents his rage on Richard, who tells him to calm down and takes him to lunch. As they leave they hear Willie Piper playing – Freddie tells Richard they don’t have him signed, but that his producer is hanging out (hint hint) with Julie.

That night Jessica arrives at the studio to begin recording The Corpse Danced At Midnight, and hopes that it goes better than last time. The in-demand Willie Parker happens to be jamming out while his producer Paul gets ready to record JB, and is delighted to meet her, he loves her books. Jessica starts laying down some sick beats reading her story but the booth soon gets a visit from Freddie and Richard, and so when Jess wants to redo a scene, no one is paying attention. She presses the magic button and eavesdrops on Freddie’s frankly sinister pitch to Paul that Willie sign with Rojam Records. He says no, and Willie says where Paul goes he goes. Freddie tells him Julie’s job is on the line (which is news to Julie in the recording studio) but Paul won’t budge. The next day Freddie tries to weave his magic on Julie but she’s not going to help him get Willie and Paul to sign either, no matter what the threat.

Jessica and Holly go to the heavy metal concert, and it’s neither of their cups of tea.

I think this is more JB’s jam. Or possibly this.

Some more stuff happens while I googled heavy metal bands Jessica Fletcher would like, and then Richard and Charles meet in a car park to tell him that Freddie is selling the company, but that he’s also heard that Charles sold all his shares in Rojam, betting that the deal is going to go wrong.

Sidenote, if there was a Which Twin Peaks Character Are You Quiz I would totally be Dianne. Or the Log Lady. And I TOTALLY CALLED MICHAEL CERA PLAYING ANDY AND LUCY’S SON.

Fast forward to the film shoot and while Jessica Fletchsplains squibs to Holly Freddy makes one last pitch for Willie Piper. Willie turns him down and Freddy tells him that if he doesn’t play ball, Freddy will make it known that Willie did time for robbery. Because people gave a toss about that? Pfft. Freddy thinks it’s still 1962.

Holly gets a message for Freddy to go to the VIP lounge. The random executive Jess bumped into is handing out business cards to all the blonde backup dancers, and Paul goes to investigate an amp. The shoot gets underway, and if I could work out how to gif this business to show in its full early 90s glory Fletcherfans I would. It’s a hell of a thing.

As the shoot continues, JB boogies in her seat but is concerned when a suspiciously real sounding gunshot goes off. Holly assures her it’s the gun beat and to just go with it. It’s just like watching Nine Inch Nails at the roadhouse, except I would rather watch Trent Reznor than whatever the hell this is any day of the week.

Charles Drexer pops up to see how JB is enjoying it all, another gunshot is heard, and the body of Freddy Major drops off a conveyor belt.

I’m so annoyed by this episode that I’m not even going to do a bit about Freddy not being bulletproof. TAKE THAT EPISODE FROM TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO.

NYPD Lieutenant Bob Alan Terwilliger arrives and quickly rules that the killer lured Freddy backstage, shot him and dumped his body on the conveyor belt. Jess is sure she heard a gunshot come from the VIP lounge, but Terwilliger reminds her she also heard the gunshot come from behind the conveyor belt and to not get that look like he’s talking out his hat.

Hat is presumably code for arse.

Charles pops up again, to ask whether he can come by the next day to pick up the keyboard from the VIP lounge, Mirabilis need it for a thing in a couple of days. Richard also bobs up to ask Terwilliger whether he knows that Charles is the only person who benefits from Freddy being fired from life, after betting on the business deal going south. Terwilliger will look into it just as soon as he gets his bet with Jessica finalised – that his squashes will be bigger and tastier than her squashes by August.

Shit just got real.

Jess takes herself off to the VIP lounge, where she finds an upset Julie furious that the police are hounding Paul about leaving the set at the time of the murder. Jess starts fiddling around with the keyboard for reasons that I’m sure will be come important later.

Back at House Fletcher Jess feeds Holly and asks her who called for Freddy to go to the VIP lounge. Holly says she can’t be sure, it was too loud. Jess is wondering about the sleazy blonde guy she keeps bumping into and Holly tells her the police told her it was a private detective lurking around. (I’ve watched this episode twice and not noticed him). Jess wonders what he might have been doing there, and Holly explains about the business deal Freddy was negotiating. Julie appears, looking devastated – Paul’s been arrested for murder, the murder weapon was found in his car. Jess asks her where Paul went at the time of the murder – apparently he went looking for Willie but couldn’t find him.

Jess decides to pay a visit to the private investigator, but he’s cleared out. His landlord Giorgi Pappavasilopoulos appears to tell her that he was evicted for lack of rent. Jess goes hunting in the basement and finds the file on Rojam Records in the trash. I can’t even explain how ridiculous this scene was.

JB learns that Richard Lefko was the one who hired the PI to bug Freddy, but she doesn’t believe he killed him. Terwilliger calls to find out what’s going on and offers to shout JB brunch at Tavern on the Green. On her way out Holly starts waffling on about piano music and Jess works out who the killer is.

Whatever makes this episode end faster.

So yeah! That’s T-Bag from Prison Break. #TheMoreYouKnow

So presumably Charles bumped off Freddy to ensure the deal went south and Charles made a lot of money? Meh, whatever.

Let’s just all picture JB at a metal concert, and continue on with our lives shall we?

Later gang!

 

 

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