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S08E17 – To The Last Will I Grapple With Thee

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Fun fact – the title of this episode is basically what I shouted at Richmond’s first game last Thursday night.***

***Demonstrably not true.

Back to school in the NYC Fletcherfans, and while JB is in the middle of schoolin’ some kids on the crime things (I don’t know), a cake is being snuck into the classroom by a fellow teacher, the extremely Irish Sean Culhane.

You guys! It’s Our Heroine’s birthday!

Sidebar: I can’t tell what time of year this is. Judging by the primo 90s fashions on display in this episode I want to say autumn but it could be spring. If you know the answer to this burning question, let me know in the comments.

After class Sean pops by JB’s office to say thank you for all the kindness shown to him in his first few months of teaching – in the beginning he thought he’d rather be chasing crooks in the streets of Dublin rather than facing a classroom full of students but he’s all over it now thanks to JB. As a thank you, he decides to take JB out to dinner that night to a little Irish place he knows.

As they leave the building, they run into a zombie.

I mean he’s a happy zombie, but he’s still a zombie

Sean guides JB past the zombie, who is rather talkative for someone who is undead, and gets into the lift. The zombie promises he’ll see Sean later.

That night, Sean and Jess pitch up to the Finians Chase pub to indulge in every Irish tradition known to Californian TV producers.

I’ll be honest – this was basically my experience when I was in Ireland. Except I had about six guinesses and was wearing a traffic cone on my head because that is how I rolled in 2006.

Jess can’t believe she didn’t know about this place – Sean tells her he comes here all the time, jokingly backed up by the owner Patrick MacNair (Lacey from Cagney and Lacey for those playing along at home) who says they’ve had more than a few complaints. Sean jokes that they were complaining about the watered down beer.

It’s her party and she’ll drink if she wants to.

Sean explains that the banter goes way back – he and Patrick were friends in Ireland, Patrick lost his pub over there so Sean helped him come to America to start again. Jess asks him how he came to be in New York, and he tells her he came out on a police exchange to learn American police-y things, but he liked it so much he retired and stayed in America.

Jess and Sean are soon joined by Sean’s daughter Kathleen, who tells JB her father talks about her all the time.

Naturally.

Kathleen has just popped in to let her father know that she’s off to dinner with some friends and she’ll see him at home. She’d tried to call but couldn’t get hold of him.

“Did you know where to find me?” Says Sean.

“Yes.” Says Kathleen.

“Then what would be the point of calling?” Says Sean.

Touche. Kathleen leaves, the food arrives and JB tucks in.

Later in the evening, Patrick is not pleased to see the arrival of the zombie (whose name is apparently Michael O’Connor) with his zombie nephew Ian. Michael tells him he had nothing to do with the business in Dublin, he’s just here for a pint with his nephew and he’s not leaving until he gets one.

Except he’s not just here for a pint, he’s here to conduct some business with a bloke named Finn Dawley.

That is a mullet that means business.

As Sean and JB are leaving, Michael the Zombie spots them and stops them at the door, mostly to talk about how he sold everything he owned, put it in a joint account with his nephew etc etc. Sean tells him to get the first boat back to Ireland, Michael tells JB to be careful, women have a tendency to get hurt around Sean. And probably Michael too, since he is CLEARLY a zombie why are we pretending he isn’t?

In the car on the way home, Sean explains the origin story of Michael – they hated each other as kids, they hate each other as adults, Sean arrested Michael for scamming pensioners, Sean married the woman Michael was in love with, Michael blamed Sean for her death, same old story. He warns Jess Michael is trouble and if he ever bothers her to let him know immediately.

At school the next day, Sean is teaching away when Michael Zombie appears at the back of the class. He releases his students early and demands to know what Michael wants. He says he just wants Sean to know he’s thinking of him, and will be every day for the rest of his life. Sean threatens to call security but Michael produces a visitors pass which Sean promptly swats to the floor before storming out.

Later that evening, Sean goes on the hunt for scones at the pub but Patrick suggests it might be better if he come back later, what with the zombie infestation he’s currently dealing with. Michael calls Sean over to have a chat about Kathleen and Sean warns Michael to stay away from his daughter or he’ll kill him. Michael seems positively delighted by this news.

The next morning, Sean is at work when he gets a visit from one of New York’s finest wanting to have a chat about Michael O’Connor. Sean assumes his arch nemesis has finally stuffed up but no such luck – it turns out Michael popped in that morning to make a complaint against Sean, for threatening to kill him. Sean is furious but there’s nothing to be done. Jess finds him in his classroom a short time later and orders him to come around for dinner that night. Meanwhile, Zombie Michael is across town at the house they are renovating, beating up his nephew – it turns out that Finn bloke they met with is a loan shark Ian owes money to, and despite Michael’s insistence that he will handle it, Ian had taken money out of their account to pay Finn. Michael declares he will handle things from here on out.

At the pub that night, Kathleen is kicking back with a beer and listening to some old country tunes when Ian decides to try and rekindle a romance they apparently once had. Kathleen tells him to jog on but Ian perseveres, until Patrick appears with a baseball bat and suggests Ian go and take in the night air.

I assume this is a standard baseball term, I know precisely nothing about baseball (and I’m alright with that to be honest)

Ian decides to go for a walk, but runs into Finn and his minions bellowing for their money. Ian says he thought his uncle talked to Finn about this and Finn says he talked to Michael and now he’s talking to Ian – whoever stands between Finn and things Finn wants is going to get in trouble.

Across town, Sean and JB are finishing up their dinner and Sean is feeling much better about life. Jess thinks he sounds like a man who has made up his mind about things and Sean says he is – but he has to dash, things to do even at this late hour.

Cut to something completely unrelated…

Can’t be dead though, his heads not off. I know how this works.

Lieutenant Jacoby is called to the scene and quickly rules it a murder. Ian O’Connor, inexplicably at the scene, has a very definitive answer to Jacoby’s question about who might want to kill Michael O’Zombie.

At the precinct, Sean swears he had nothing to do with the murder, even if he’d threatened to kill Michael the day before and went to run errands at several closed stores at the time of the murder and he had the exact same weapon as the one used to kill Michael and his fingerprints were found at the scene.

Awkward.

At the pub, Patrick, JB and Kathleen are having an emergency drinking session to discuss the situation. They agree Sean can’t be guilty, but aren’t sure who else could be. Patrick thinks maybe Finn Dawley is involved (awkward, since Finn is behind a pole eavesdropping) while Kathleen thinks Ian has something to do with it but Patrick thinks Ian is too much of a dumbarse. JB suggests she and Kathleen get to the precinct, and asks Patrick to phone home to find out what he can about why Michael left Ireland.

Later, Jess heads back to her apartment building to find Ahmed not at his post but Finn waiting for her. He suggests she butt out of things she doesn’t understand. He had nothing to do with the murder, but did she happen to know Kathleen and Ian used to date back in Ireland until Kathleen found out who Ian was? But to conclude, stay out of it.

Down at the precinct, JB and Jacoby argue about Sean’s involvement, and Jacoby caves and shares the results of the autopsy – he was shot (duh) and there was traces of gun shot residue on his hands from where he obviously put his hands up to shield himself from his attacker. JB thinks there is another explanation but they are interrupted by the arrival of a video tape – from Michael O’Connor. He has filmed himself saying he fears for his life, and if anything should happen to him, it was because of Sean Culhane.

Sean is arrested and brought down to the precinct. JB tries to tell him about the gun shot residue but Jacoby shuts it down. Later, they go back to his office to argue some more and review the tape. Jess notices some smudges on the wall at the crime scene that weren’t there when the video was taped. Combined with Michael’s occasional struggle to get words out gives her an idea. She tells Jacoby to meet her at the crime scene that night. He refuses but she knows he’ll be there.

doodahhhhh doodahhhhh

JB heads over to the pub, to ask Patrick what he learned from the peeps back home about Michael. He tells her Michael sold everything and put it in the joint account (which they knew) and that he’d done it quickly – he would have got more money if he’d waited but he’d been in a hurry. Also, everyone had been asking about his health, his doctor had been trying to get a hold of him. Jess asks him to get the doctor on the phone.

Later that night, Jess and Jacoby meet at the house. Jess has a theory. And of course, it’s the correct one. Ian arrives just in time to hear about it.

This is very heavily borrowed from a Sherlock Holmes story I do believe.

When is a murder not a murder? When you’re dying of brain tumours and all you want to do is revenge yourself on the man who married the woman you love so you stage your suicide to look like a murder.

Wrong choice really. Should have taken a leaf out of this lady’s book.

Case closed, JB is back to work and with a new student in her class – Lieutenant Jacoby. Apparently his boss thinks he could use the extra credit.

Later Fletcherfans!

S08E15 – Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Thief

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This week Fletcherfans Our Heroine has gone to London (Home of Dangermouse) to have meetings with her publishers, get some shopping done at Harrods (naturally) and have lunch with her old friend John Thurston, who works at the embassy. Never mind all that though because he is just about to introduce her to someone called Nigel Atkins but the actor’s name. You guys.

He has been in many things (including Robin Hood Men In Tights, a movie I adore) but he's about to play Doctor Frankenstein according to IMDB so let's just rejoice at that.

He has been in many things (including Robin Hood Men In Tights!) but he’s about to play Doctor Frankenstein according to IMDB and I couldn’t be more pleased about it.

Nigel Atkins, who works at the Home Office, is delighted to meet JB but is clearly running late for something and excuses himself. This suits John just fine – he has two tickets to the new Stephen Sondheim musical, would Jessica be interested?

I mean what sort of question is that really.

I mean what sort of question is that really.

While John and  JB have lunch, across town a man and woman are saying goodbye to each other. He seems annoyed at her constant shopping, she seems annoyed at his constant working. As she leaves him, a man in a bowler hat emerges from an alleyway and begins following the woman, while the man looks on smugly.

I only mention this guys because a short time later, back at the hotel, JB collects her shopping and her room key from the front desk and heads to the elevator and WHAT WERE THE ODDS THE MYSTERY LADY AND THE BOWLER HAT GET IN TOO AND GET OFF AT THE SAME FLOOR I MEAN REALLY WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.

JB and the mystery woman go into their separate rooms (next door to each other, really the coincidences are just astonishing) but before Jessica can even put her shopping down there is a scream from next door. She rushes to the hallway and sees the mystery woman, who then turns tail and flees. Jess goes to investigate, obviously, and to her surprise finds Clement von Franckenstein  dead on the couch. She looks up to see the bathroom door gently closing.

(Sidenote: John Oliver's hashtag #JessicaFletcherIsASerialKiller made my Monday night.

(Sidenote: John Oliver’s hashtag #JessicaFletcherIsASerialKiller made my Monday night.

Jess dashes back to her room to phone the police, forgetting all about her shopping in the process. The police arrive and take Jess back to the hotel room – but the body is gone.

The case of the invisible corpse.

The case of the invisible corpse.

Inspector Stillwell and his sidekick are not impressed by Jessica’s insistence that there was a dead body, and less impressed by Jess’s ability to describe him, and not at all by the fact that she met him in the hotel lobby. “Should be careful of strange men in lobbies, even in the best hotels.” Stillwell’s sidekick says.

FLETCHER HULK HAS NO TIME FOR THIS.

FLETCHER HULK HAS NO TIME FOR THIS.

 

Thanks to the police and their lack of assistance, Jess decides to take care of business herself. She calls John but he’s not back in the office, so she goes downstairs to ask Albert at the front desk for the name of the “publishing agent” she met who was staying in the room next to hers. Albert remembers the man but is puzzled when he checks the book and discovers there’s no-one meant to be staying in that room.

Jess has already moved on though, she’s just spotted the Bowler Hat going through the lobby and so she follows him out through the kitchens to the back of the hotel. She walks past the service elevator and spots one of her shopping bags and a familiar looking shoe poking out of the garbage. Jess calls for help but there is no answer. She grabs the dead man’s wallet and goes to call Stillwell again. Stillwell’s posse arrive and find Jess’s other shopping bag but wouldn’t you know it the body’s gone again.

Stillwell politely asks Jessica if she’s taking medication.

Jess is about five seconds from beating him with her handbag.

Jess is about five seconds from beating him with her handbag.

Stillwell promises to return the wallet to the owner, and before Jess can go nuclear Albert appears to tell the police there’s been a nasty incident out the front of the hotel. Everyone heads out to the front where a small crowd has gathered – a man has just jumped from one of the windows according to these two witnesses.

g2

 

 

 

 

...

#helping

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jess’s reaction is amazing.

Noone has ever been more delighted to see a dead body.

Noone has ever been more delighted to see a dead body.

John Thurston meets JB at Scotland Yard to try and make Stillwell see sense but Stillwell has become rather agreeable. Apparently it’s all been straightened out – Nigel Atkins lost his wallet in a bathroom at Heathrow and is delighted to get it back as he was due to board a flight to Australia. The man who committed suicide was a Mr Brown from Birmingham, and it was definitely suicide move along nothing to see here.

In the taxi later, JB laments how frustrating it is not to be believed, and John says he believes her…

j2

…”but the police seem so sure!”

I think JB has had about enough of this

I think JB has had about enough of this

Jess gets back to the hotel to find the Bowler Hat at the front desk asking about Nigel Atkins. Albert gives him nothing but JB tells him she’d like a word and he says likewise. Over tea in the dining room the Bowler Hat reveals himself as Archie Potter P.I – he’s looking for Nigel, if JB has any knowledge of where he is, could she get in touch?

#awkward

#awkward

Jess is called away by a telephone call – it’s John with a curious invitation to a Home Office shindig, but he has only been invited if JB comes too… Outside the hotel, Archie is off going about his PI business when he runs into local toughguy Mickey Dawks demanding to know what Archie knows about Nigel Atkins, and who Archie was talking to at the hotel.

At the party that night JB is introduced to Julian Fontaine, Home Office who is delighted to meet JB, but not as delighted as I was when I realised who it was.

Trevor Eve, the guy from Waking The Dead. Remember when long hair was a thing? #classic90s

Trevor Eve, the guy from Waking The Dead. Remember when long hair was a thing? #classic90s

Fontaine is surprised to learn that JB had met a colleague of his that very morning, and quickly excuses himself. He returns after a moment with two people – Edward and Penelope Caldwell, aka the couple who were really awkward at the beginning of this episode, and the woman who went rushing out of the hotel room. JB says to Penelope she’s sure they’ve met before – just that day in fact, at her hotel – but Penelope says she must be mistaken and rushes her husband over to meet someone else.

Fontaine asks John to excuse himself and JB, he wants to show Jess some first editions, but JB doesn’t want first editions she wants answers – why was she invited to the party, was it to see if she’d recognise Penelope Caldwell? Fontaine did work with Nigel Atkins didn’t he?

Fontaine suddenly remembers how he knew JB was in town – Nigel told him that morning on the way to the airport before his flight to Australia. JB isn’t barely paying attention, she’s just spotted something…

Look familiar? Scroll up a bit....I KNOW! Well played MSW.

Look familiar? Scroll up a bit….I KNOW! Well played MSW.

Also that bow is A++++

Also that bow is A++++

Fontaine is still giving her nothing about Atkins, so she tells him the police might like to know that the people who witnessed Atkins’  ‘suicide’ are also working at his party, to which Fontaine scowls and says that would be a very bad idea. Nigel Atkins is dead.

She's not giving up on this.

She’s not giving up on this.

Back at her hotel room that night, JB is kicking off her shoes when she gets a knock on the door – it’s local tough guy Mickey Daws, wanting to know what Jessica knows about the location of Nigel Atkins. It turns out Mickey is a moneylender, and Nigel owes him ten thousand dollars.

JB tells him that the police told her that Nigel had gone to Australia.

*backpedals aggressively*

*backpedals aggressively*

Mickey suddenly decides he didn’t need the ten grand back anyway and departs.

The next day, Jess goes back to see Inspector Stillwell and lays it all out for him – she knows about the affair and the money. He promises there is no coverup and he will look into all of her allegations most carefully. Jess says she hopes so, otherwise she’s going to visit her friend on Fleet Street and this little yarn will be on the cover of every paper in town.

*mic drop*

*mic drop*

After she leaves, Stillwell gets on the phone to Fontaine, who himself gets on the phone to another man in a suit. He tells the man Jessica is threatening to go to the public, does the man authorise the radical solution?

The man says he’ll get back to him on that.

DRAMA.

JB, clearly the only person doing anything about this murder, decides to visit Nigel Atkin’s apartment to see what she can find. The door is locked, but she overhears a delightful exchange between the landlord and his neighbour Daisy Collins about Daisy’s back-rent, which she has just decided to pay with a bonus, she’s moving to Mayfair.

...

THAT FACE THOUGH

The landlord disappears in a huff, and Daisy comes round to find JB loitering in the corridor. Daisy doesn’t seem to surprised, and says Nigel’s not usually back until six. She opens his door and goes in to feed his cat.

 

100% would wear this now.

100% would wear this now.

On the pretense of looking for a letter she’d sent Nigel, JB gets chatting to Daisy and learns that she feeds Nigel’s cat sometimes but the poor thing is going to the pound the next day, as she’s moving out. JB comments on the dress and Daisy tells her it’s new from Selfridges.

As JB leaves she bumps into Fontaine, who offers to give her a lift back to her hotel. JB soon realises that’s not where they are driving to but Fontaine only smiles and starts blaring Ride of the Valkyries. Her constant demands for a explanation/telephone go ignored, and it’s only when JB is shown into a room of an old manor house that answers are forthcoming. Jess is introduced to the man Fontaine had spoken to on the telephone, who tells her that after extensive enquiries about Jessica, they have decided to tell her the problem with Nigel Atkins.

“He was some sort of agent – a spy?” Asks JB.

“I see your deductive abilities live up to your reputation.” Says the man.

DUH.

DUH.

Anyway, long story short Nigel Atkins was a double spy for England and China and there’s a dicey diplomatic situation involving the handover of Hong Kong back to China (remember when that was a thing) but guys. HOW DID THEY NOT KNOW WHO JESSICA WAS, MICHAEL HEGARTY HAS BEEN GETTING HER INTO TROUBLE FOR AGES I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

It is revealed that Fontaine arrived at Atkins’ hotel room after the murder and before Penelope Caldwell, but was unable to do anything of about it on account of JB turning up. They staged the suicide and it almost worked apart from JB’s constant questioning.

On the way back to London Jess tells Fontaine about the loan shark and how Nigel had promised to repay him the next day. No money was found on him, so they interview Mickey again. He swears he didn’t kill Nigel, and that Nigel had told him the night before he died that he would have the money for him that day. They tell him he’s off the hook for the time being. Jess wonders if Penelope Caldwell’s husband knew about her affair with Nigel and Fontaine tells her he didn’t even know until he saw her in the hotel room after the murder. Jess tells them about the private investigator, and they look uncomfortably like they knew nothing about that. Fontaine handles it by going to see Archie and giving him a bit of an incentive to go on holiday.

Cut to Penelope Caldwell stress drinking vodka while her husband tells her all about how Nigel Atkins went to Australia on short notice.

JB and Fontaine are sitting in the park watching pigeons going about their business…

This screencap is for my brother, he knows why. (You're welcome)

This screencap is for my brother, he knows why. (You’re welcome)

Jess suddenly remembers Nigel’s attache case (go on, scroll right up – I KNOW! I nailed it today!) but Fontaine says it wasn’t in Nigel’s apartment when they searched it. Except when JB went to see it, it was there (seriously, go and scroll up again I AM A GOD OF SCREENCAPPING HELLFIRE).

Now how can that be?

The same reason a certain cat was about to be impounded.

Yeah, called it.

Yeah, called it.

What happens when a girl hears about ten thousand dollars and knows just what to do with it. Naturally JB worked it all out and convinced Inspector Stillwell to let Mickey Dawks go in wearing a tape recorder to record Daisy’s confession. But they don’t arrest her just yet – apparently the world needs to think that Nigel Atkins is still alive for a little while yet.

Case closed!

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

S08E01 – Bite The Big Apple

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Welcome to Season 8 Fletcherfans! And new opening credits! Because there’s change in the air in Cabot Cove! So many exclamation marks!

JB arrives home from a trip to the supermarket to find half of Cabot Cove in her lounge room singing “For She’s A Jolly Good Fellow”

And don't you forget it

And don’t you forget it

The reason for the fiesta is that JB is moving part-time to New York City, to teach a criminology course at Manhattan University and wander around the schools in the area. Sounds legit to me.  Seth (who is back, hooray) is not pleased with the idea that Jess is renting an apartment but Jess says that she’s sick of living in hotels and she can’t just keep landing in on Grady all the time.

“Why not?” Says Seth. “He lands on you whenever it suits him!”

It's been awhile since Grady's even made an appearance. I'm suspicious.

It’s been awhile since Grady’s even made an appearance. I’m suspicious.

While Eve Simpson ponders the amount of attractive men JB will find in New York, one of Jessica’s neighbours, who I have never seen before this episode, asks about her new apartment. Jess tells him it’s small but cosy, and in an area where she feels completely safe.

Cut to police sirens, because duh.

At JB’s new bunker in NYC the former tenants – Mike Freeloaderlander and his secretary/thing on the side Sharon are in the process of moving out. Well, Mike is. Sharon has just found out she’s moving out and she’s not too happy about it either. Before she can complain the painters arrive ready to touch the place up for Our Heroine’s arrival the next day. Mike and Sharon leave, with a promise from Mike that the movers will be along to pick up the stuff and to just paint around it.

Downstairs, Mike offers Sharon twenty bucks for a cab but she tells him he’ll need it more than she will. Mike spots a car parked across the street from the building and runs back inside. Sharon decides to go hang out in a bookstore for awhile which is the first sensible thing she’s said or done all episode. Mike rushes back upstairs, orders the painters to take a coffee break (after being there roughly five minutes), pinches a screwdriver and then disappears into a back room.

Back in the Cove, Seth is registering his many objections to JB moving to New York, to which JB asks him the last time he went to NYC. Seth reminds her of the time he got kidnapped by the mob to save their dying father. “That was Boston.” Says JB.

“What’s the difference?” Says Seth.

JB promises to behave, but Seth has been reading statistics on women who are attacked and it’s horrifying. Bless you Seth. There are a lot of people on Twitter who apparently haven’t managed to work that out yet.

Meanwhile, in JB’s new building’s car park…

He is no more. He has ceased to be. Etc etc. There's really no bad time to quote Monty Python.

He is no more. He has ceased to be. Etc etc. There’s really no bad time to quote Monty Python.

When JB arrives in NYC the next day, her new doorman has some news about the former tenant of her apartment.

***Actual quote,

***Actual quote.

Undeterred by the seriousness of this murderous update, JB heads upstairs to unpack, and gets a visit from the two detectives investigating the case, Jack Boyle (previously seen as cop in about 100 episodes of MSW, by which I mean three) and Kawalsky from Stargate SG1 (insert not a time to lose your head joke here). They have arrived to collect what’s left of Mike Freelander’s personal effects/fanboy over JB’s arrival in the city. Boyle tells her that the kitchen drawers are sticking, and to get onto it right away.

Such service.

Later that day JB gets a visit from Mike Freelander’s wife, who has come to collect Mike’s things, but JB explains that the police already took them and that she should probably go home – it’s clear Mrs Freelander isn’t playing with a full deck of cards. She departs, but not before mentioning how ironic it is that the person who gave Mike so much pleasure is the same person who fired the shots that killed him. JB returns to the task at hand and turns the shower on, but when the shower rod comes crashing down she finds some rolled up invoices for Freelander and Freelander Import/Export inside the rod.

Because she is a top citizen, she goes to report her find to Boyle and Acosta/Kawalsky, and finds them at the aforementioned import/export company having a chat with Mike’s brother Harry and his son Scott. Scott appears to be not that upset over the death of his uncle, as apparently he stole Scott’s promotion but they are all interested to see the invoices that JB found in her shower rod (“You looked there?” Boyle says, aghast and impressed). Each invoice has a piece of jewellery listed that isn’t on the original invoices that Sharon is ordered to retrieve and bring out from the office. Scott tees off on Sharon and Mike being in it together, so JB and the detectives discretely withdraw. While Boyle tries to hail JB a cab he warns her about the perils of being a private detective in New York, but she assures him she has no interest in getting involved.

e2

f2

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN.

Inside F&F Importers, Harry scolds his son for airing the family dirty laundry in public, and that Scott didn’t get the promotion because he was a “pygmy”, at which point Scott informs his father Sharon has resigned, and where’s the gun Harry has for protection, it isn’t in his drawer.

Meanwhile, at the New York House Fletcher, JB arrives home to find the door open and the apartment torn apart.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Seems a safe bet.

Seems a safe bet.

Speak of the devil…

Naw Seth!

Naw Seth!

Sidenote: Here now are the three stages of being friends with Seth Hazlitt/dealing with problems, according to me.

k1

k2

Here endeth the lesson.

Here endeth the lesson.

Boyle and Acosta arrive on the scene to take a statement regarding the robbery. JB tells them nothing is missing and that she thinks it was related to the other matter.

“What other matter?” Says Seth.

“The murder. The last tenant was shot down in the carpark.” Says Boyle.

I have missed Seth's tantrums.

I have missed Seth’s tantrums.

Later that night, after Seth has helped JB clean up, she asks him whether he’s made reservations at any hotel. He tells her nope, he’s staying right there on the couch and he won’t take no for an answer. The next morning, Seth catches JB trying to sneak out to go sleuthing, but she refuses to have him hold her prisoner and takes off before he can get dressed.

He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.

He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.

Seth spots JB’s glasses on the mantle and goes to give them to her but the elevator doors are already closed. While he stands in the hallway in his pyjamas , JB’s neighbour across the hall peers out (who I’ve just realised is Seinfeld’s Mum argh that was killing me I knew I recognised her), sees Seth the lumberjack and slams her door shut with such a ferocity that the door to JB’s apartment slams shut in agreement, locking Seth out.

Pfft. This exact thing happened to me. Except the door slammed shut because the petrol station down the street exploded and I had to sit on the porch in my pyjamas waiting for my housemate while every news crew in Melbourne came to have a look. Not even kidding. There were helicopters. Seth, you got off lightly.

Downstairs, JB gets the good word from Ahmed the doorman and finds out about Mike’s sudden reentry into the building after seeing the car across the street, while Sharon went into the bookstore and either is still there or went out the back way.

Jess returns to the apartment, and Seth sneaks in behind her using his mad skillz.

Classic Seth.

Classic Seth.

But JB has no time to chat – she gets a phone call from Sharon requesting they meet. At the restaurant, Sharon tells JB a vaguely confusing story about how Harry Freelander’s wife went missing, and then he started after Sharon but she hooked up with Mike, and something something go ask Harry whose is the last signature on the invoices.

Back at the apartment Seth decides to make himself useful and fix the miscellaneous broken things around the apartment when he sees Seinfeld’s Mum’s door open again. He pops his head in and asks her if she knows anything about the murder but she informs him that she doesn’t talk to strangers and slams the door in his face (good thing he has keys this time). He shouts out he’ll be across the hall if she changes her mind – his name is Dr Seth Hazlitt.

This reminds me of the time Jon Stewart was on The Nanny.

This for whatever reason reminds me of the time Jon Stewart was on The Nanny.

Back across town, JB decides to take Sharon’s advice and goes to see Harry Freelander. She sees him disappear into the back of the shop and goes round to the delivery entrance to get in. Once inside, she hears shots before a dark figure slams into her as they leg it out of the store. Jess goes in for a closer look and finds the body of Harry on the floor.

Boyle and Acosta are called to the scene and Boyle is pissed that JB has been disobeying his suggestion to stay out of the case. She tells him that since she got broken into she didn’t have a choice and decides she’s going back to her apartment, where she discovers she’s lost her key. Fortunately Seth is in a good mood and so lets her in without comment. He tells her about his interrogation of Seinfeld’s Mum, and that Mike Freelander came upstairs during General Hospital and threw the painters out, and the police arrived during Marcus Welby MD. Please don’t ask me what any of those words mean.

Seth returns to his task of declogging the drain and finds the offending blockage – a 25 carat diamond. JB calls Acosta to alert him to the find, and apparently learns something very interesting, so interesting in fact that she can’t be bothered mentioning it right now.

And because I’ve just decided I’m going to make quesadillas for lunch, and that this has taken me ages to write because I a)can’t get off Twitter and b)have had to rescue pants blown off the clothes line three times now, I’m going to fast forward a little bit.

I did not see this coming.

I did not see this coming.

JB sets up the sting with Acosta to trap Boyle. It would appear that Boyle was sick of having no money and wanted in on the Freelander scam, but when Mike Freelander tried to keep the diamond for himself Boyle shot him.

So there you have it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my underpants just got blown into the neighbours tree.

On reflection, maybe hanging my washing out when there's 100km winds outside wasn't the best idea.

On reflection, maybe hanging my washing out when there’s 100km winds outside wasn’t the best idea.

S07E21 – Tainted Lady

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Welcome to Dry Wells California Fletcherfans, where people are having heart attacks and Patrick Swayze’s brother is riding around town like he’s Patrick Swaze’s brother.

And he's blaming it on youuuuuuuuu

And he’s blaming it on youuuuuuuuu

Swayze Jr (who’s name in this is Edge Potter, what even is that?) is about to be escorted out of the cafe by owner Ellen Wicker, to try and put a stop to the bickering between Edge and regular patron Ross Corman. Once the Edge has been taken off (heh heh he), talk turns to the death of Jake Gerringer, who died the previous evening of a heart attack. Over at the doctor’s office, however, Ross’s wife Laura is copping a lashing from her boss Dr Logan for ordering tests on Jake Gerringer’s body, but is proven right when the lab calls to tell Dr Logan Gerringer died of arsenic poisoning. Logan puts a call through to the Sheriff, Deloy Hayes, to let him know.

Let the record show that the role of Deloy Hayes is being played by Eric Cartman, who is being played by Gary Lockwood from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Also seen in Murder She Wrote.

Bahaha you can see the lighting rig in his sunglasses I don’t know why that’s so funny.

On hearing news of the arsenic poisoning, Deloy takes it upon himself to head over to Ellen’s cafe to look around. If you’re thinking that’s a bit of a leap, you’d be right, but it turns out that Ellen was once put on trial for murdering her husband but was found not guilty thanks to some detective work by Ellen’s writer friend (whomever could he be referring to?). Deloy tells Ellen she got lucky once, but this ain’t no Boston and it ain’t no country club either.

Seeing the Fletch-signal in the sky, JB hurries down to California, where she is met by Ellen’s lawyer Herb Apple (what is with the character names in this episode?). Their arrival in Dry Wells just happens to coincide with Ross asking his wife out to lunch only to cop the response “the Health Authority have closed Ellen’s restaurant, and the Sheriff has Ellen, so is that why you’re out patrolling main street? ” Or words to that effect.

JB’s first stop in Dry Wells is to see Ellen in the lock-up, who is overjoyed to see Our Heroine. She tells JB that she should never have come back to Dry Wells, it’s not the same as when she grew up there – the tannery closed after the earthquake, everyone lost their jobs and it’s becoming a ghost town. Also, she didn’t poison Jake Gerringer. She tells Jess not to expect any help from the sheriff just as he appears to inform JB visiting hours are over, Ellen has to go over to the courthouse to be arraigned. Excellent, says JB. I’ll come too and post Ellen’s bail.

Bail posted, Jess, Ellen and Herb try to leave but run into the local angry mob.

CRAZY SWAYZE EYES

CRAZY SWAYZE EYES

They make it to the car, which the angry mob starts shaking because THEY ARE ANGRY THEY ARE MOB. Across the street one of the sheriff’s deputies suggests they should go and do something before someone gets hurt but Deloy The Douchebag thinks they are just letting their feelings be known, it’s the American way.

Deloy the Douchebag would later have his own reality TV show, start wearing an albino squirrel on his head and  try to become president of the United States. #metaphorical

Deloy the Douchebag would later have his own reality TV show, start wearing a dead albino squirrel on his head and try to become president of the United States. I mean, what?

JB and Ellen arrive home, where the abuse starts up again, this time via phone. Fortunately for Ellen, JB knows how to take care of business.

“Look if you’re trying to shock us, you’re only betraying your ignorance. We’ve all heard words like this and usually with a good deal more originality.”

*mic drop*

*mic drop*

Alright time out. Have I ever told you guys about the three greatest things I’ve done in my life so far? They are

3) Kicked a netball to score a goal from the centre of the court at the end of a PE lesson in year 10 (noone saw this, remain devastated about it)

2)  Won 3o grand on Deal or No Deal in 2005 despite having a hangover that could only be described as biblical.

1). The year was 2007. I was home alone one afternoon. The landline rings. I assume it’s my mother, so I pick up the phone and say “Hello?” without really listening. Then I realised it was a man’s voice I didn’t recognise and say “I’m sorry, what?”

The man on the end of the phone says “Hi, I was wondering if you’d like to come round and play with my 12 inch cock.”

WITHOUT EVEN TAKING A BREATH I say “Well surely if it’s 12 inches then you can go fuck yourself.”

I hang up the phone. I do several laps of my house singing We Are The Champions while declaring myself to be the greatest human being that ever lived. 

The end.

JB gives Ellen a pep talk and tells her that she will stick around to straighten the whole thing out, and Ellen has nothing to be scared or sorry about. She asks Ellen about Jake Gerringer’s daughter Doris. Ellen tells her she doesn’t really know Doris all that well, but that she’s kind of mousy and plain although apparently she’s been dressing kind of oddly lately.

Nah though.

Sweetie sweetie sweetie sweetie

Sweetie sweetie sweetie sweetie

Mmkay mmkay.

Mmkay mmkay.

Apparently Doris is practicing for the life she’s going to live in Hollywood once she gets her father’s insurance money by having champagne and caviar at 10am. Doris tells JB that Ellen was her best friend in high school and they both worked for Jake until Ellen was fired for stealing money from the til, and she shouldn’t have killed her father, but she already got away with it once in Boston, and Doris will have to buy something good to wear for the trial she’d make an excellent witness.

(That was the look on my face after I kicked the netball through the hoop in PE.)

(That was the look on my face after I kicked the netball through the hoop in PE.)

Sheriff Douchebag, who had apparently tailed JB to the Gerringer house and is sitting in his car surveilling the place, gets a call over the radio to say that Katie Emhardt has come in to say she thinks her husband was also poisoned. He heads back to the station to get the whole story – apparently the original cause of death was declared to be a heart condition, but Katie says there were no heart tablets in the bathroom and that before he died he was clutching his stomach in agony.

Deloy the Douchebag heads over to the doctor’s office to suss it out and gets Laura to look at Walter Emhardt’s medical file. It turns out there was no mention of a heart condition, and when Deloy notices how much the time of death on Walter’s certificate cuts into Doc Logan’s gambling in Laughlin time, he suspects the Doc might not have been super thorough. He gets on the radio to arrange to get the body dug up.

Back at Ellen’s house JB asks about Ellen getting fired and she says she was never caught, someone told Jake that she was taking money and he reported it to the police. (Someone like Doris maybe, says JB). While she was in holding, then-deputy Deloy the Douchebag offered to make it all go away, how much of it would go away would depend on how friendly Ellen was. It was only when Herb Apple arrived to say Jake was dropping the charges that Deloy backed off. The next day Ellen left town, but Deloy the Douchebag hasn’t changed a single solitary jot.

The body of Walter Emhardt is dug up and sent over to the pathology lab. Deloy tells Herb Apple to pass on a message to JB – get out of his way or get out of his town. Edge Potter takes it upon himself to deliver the message by menacing JB while she’s out and about and suggesting JB might get hurt. Just as he declares he will take JB to the bus station himself sirens start blaring – Deputy Ray Gomez had been sent by Deloy to checkup on Jessica but is in time to stop the Edge from going too far.

That night, Ross Corman invites himself over to Ellen’s, allegedly for a glass of wine and to tell her about Walter Emhardt, but when he starts forcing himself on her Ellen starts to scream. Fortunately JB is there to save the day and Ross scurries away into the night. A rock flies through the window, and when Jess goes to investigate she finds the words KILLER spray-painted across the house.

Herb Apple arrives soon after to help clean up and to warn them that Walter Emhardt did die from arsenic poisoning. He also puts himself in charge of fielding prank calls, to questionable effect.

Although I'm seeing the method in his madness.

Although I’m seeing the method in his madness.

Later that night, Ross Corman dies in a method of acting that could only be described as over.

(Full disclosure: I love William Shatner)

(Full disclosure: I love William Shatner)

Ross calls for his wife, who calls the sheriff’s office hysterical. The police and the doc both arrive but Ross is 100% dead. Laura tells them that Ross had been out at a business meeting, came home sloshed, and then started howling in agony. The Sheriff gets a call about a hot tip they received at the sheriff’s office – Ross Corman had been at Ellen’s house. He heads on over to arrest Ellen and confiscate the wine bottle and orders JB to stay out of his business.

Someone is about to get Fletchered.

Someone is about to get Fletchered.

Jess goes to tell Herb about the latest developments, and stares longingly at the coffee machine.

 

JB LOOKS AT COFFEE THE SAME WAY I DO

JB LOOKS AT COFFEE THE SAME WAY I DO

While she stares at the coffee pot, she has an idea about what’s behind all the death in Dry Wells, and it’s not a psychopath.

Life Lesson #62: Coffee will answer your questions.

Jess goes to see Katie Emhardt for a peek into her husbands files – Walter worked at the tannery before it closed down after the earthquake flattened it. Katie tells her she looked in the files when JB called her and there’s no mention of Ellen in there – just a whole bunch of records and memos about closing the plant.

“Including what to do with the toxic waste?” Asks JB.

BOOM.

Over at the sheriff’s office Deloy the Douchebag comes into the cells. His staff have orders not to disturb them. He and Ellen need to come to an understanding.

ARGH HE IS CREEPY I JUST WANT TO PUNCH MY TELEVISION.

ARGH HE IS CREEPY I JUST WANT TO PUNCH MY TELEVISION.

Fortunately for Ellen and my television, one of Douchebag’s deputies comes in – there’s something on the TV the sheriff needs to see – Captain Planet and the Planeteers JB and some Save the Planet volunteers are digging up at the old tannery. The sheriff slams his hat on his head and goes over there to arrest them all…

q2

 

It doesn’t go well…

r2

JB explains that they’re there to find toxic waste that might have leaked into the water after the earthquake. He doesn’t believe it, but the planeteers are on the case and voila!

t2

s2

Case closed? Hell no! JB says there’s no doubt that one of the victims was murdered, and she wants to know just what Deloy is willing to do to prove it.

Herb and JB head over to the doctor’s office – Doc Logan tells them that Walter and Jake had preexisting conditions that would have made them much more susceptible to the poison while people like Doris were fine. Ross Corman on the other hand wasn’t even drinking contaminated water.

Or was he?

(He was).

Whomp there it is.

Whomp there it is.

That would explain why she called the sheriff and not the doctor. She was sick of being treated like a ATM.

Stay tuned for the season 7 finale next week! Only *gulp* 5 more seasons to go! Remind me why I thought this was a good idea again?

Later gang!

Later gang!

 

 

S07E15 – The Taxman Cometh

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Disclaimer: I am writing this post while watching my football team (Richmond FC) play another football team on TV. I feel that this is not going to end well for anyone.

Strap yourselves in Fletcherfans! Nothing says comedy like taxes. Except maybe death and taxes.

Sigh.

JB is in Missouri on a book tour and pops in on her friend Edna Hayes, who is stressed out. The taxman is out for her blood, GO JAAAAAAAAAAAACK OH GODDAMNIT IT IT HIT THE POST to the tune of 2 million dollars. For whatever reason we need to go back and have an indepth analysis of how this 2 million dollar problem happened GO DUSTY and I will spare you the details mostly because I stopped paying attention and started googling what other movies the guy who plays Richard Wellstood  was in (he was in Scandal. And other things, but mainly that one).

MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT DAMN IT.

Long story short, the taxman is after Edna and her company Aunt Edna’s Baked Goods, and they’re willing to go after her ex-husband, Nolan Hayes to get to her. YO RICHMOND YOUR GOALS ARE THE OTHER END IN CASE YOU FORGOT.

I should also point out at this point that Alf’s Dad is the tax man. Whatever happened to Alf?

YESSS WE GOT A GOAL LETS END THE GAME NOW BEFORE WE GET THRASHED.

OH DAMN THEY GOT ONE AGAIN.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Nolan, Edna’s ex husband, calls her up to tell her the taxman is after him for taxes on his income as a “consultant” for the business MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT THANK YOU, but the “income” they think he’s getting is way more than he is actually getting and some auditor named THAT WAS A FREE KICK Spencer Prince SOMEONE KICK THE GODDAMN BALL but that Nolan is still unable to get hold of him. Edna promises she’ll take care of it, but a week later she has a meeting with Alf’s Dad the tax auditor, ARGH WE MISSED THAT ONE ARGH who puts in the hard word and tells her YESSS GOOD TACKLE that if she doesn’t pay she will lose the business. And then it was now.

I said the same thing this morning after my nephew power-vommed over the couch, my brother and half of Launceston. Because I am #topaunty

I said the same thing this morning after my nephew power-vommed over the couch, my brother and half of Launceston. Because I am #topaunty

50 METRES! YASSSSSS….WHY THE HELL DID YOU KICK IT TO THE OPPOSITION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD RICHMOND.

While Jessica and Edna look at Edna’s pictures of her friend the senator, company vice-president Richard Wellstood appears to let Edna know that he and the other VP JK Davern had a meeting with the auditor Spencer Prince, which was very successful THREE GEELONG PLAYERS ON THEIR OWN COME ON RICHMOND.

O GOOD IT’S QUARTER TIME.

What was I saying? Right. So Richard leaves just as Nolan arrives to beg Edna to cooperate with the IRS, and if there’s anything he can do day or night, she should call him. He makes sure she has his car phone number (naww car phones) but she says her secretary already has it.

Jess goes on a tour of the factory with sales director George Harris YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT THAT WAS A HIGH TACKLE and they bump into Richard again who is looking for Spencer Prince. He spies him walking off in the distance and races to catch up. Meanwhile, the head of accounting Gail Manning is looking for Edna, after finding a message left for Edna on Gail’s desk. It’s from Nolan.

Edna decides she is too stressed out and busy to accompany JB to the concert they had planned to attend that evening, but JK agrees to escort JB instead so crisis averted ALEX RANCE FOR PM. He tells her that a couple of the bakers at the factory are in the woodwind section, and can even read music.

My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

YASSSS ANOTHER GOAL TY VICKERY I’M SORRY I SAID I’D TRADE YOU FOR A SACK OF MAGIC BEANS AND A CAN OF SPAM.

AND ANOTHER GOAL WHAT THE HELL I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

JIMMY BARTEL’S BEARD JUST GAVE AWAY A FREE KICK.

Oops, got distracted. ARGH ANOTHER GOAL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I CAN’T BELIEVE WE ARE WINNING IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Alright. Focus. Later that night, police find Nolan’s body next to his car. Oh dear. The police haven’t id’d him yet, but find the car is WE ARE WINNING BY 25 POINTS STOP THE GAME NOW DEAR GOD RICHMOND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW THAT WE CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE THE FINALS THIS IS THE MOST RICHMOND THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE registered to Edna, so they go to her house to ask her to come down to the police station HAHA SUCK IT JOEL SELWOOD.

BAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AS IF THAT WASN’T HOLDING THE BALL.

Edna is devastated to learn her ex-husband’s death, and asks what happened. According to the 5-0, (aka Fred Willard) Nolan broke down in a sketchy area and MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT DAMN IT thugs clocked him over the head with his tyre jack when he tried to change the car tyre himself. YASSSSS TACKLE!

JB thinks the police theory is suspicious – according to Edna Nolan couldn’t open a can, so why would he be trying to change a car tyre in a sketchy neighbourhood when we have helpfully established he has a car phone? I LOVE YOU TRENT COTCHIN EVEN IF YOUR HAIR FREAKS ME OUT.

The next day Fred Willard Lieutenant Phillips is getting word that the tyre was slashed and not punctured when IRS Director Yelverton (Alf’s Dad) arrives in the office to tell him he’s out for Edna’s money, and that Nolan was a key witness in the tax evasion or something. SOUND THE SIREN WE ARE ABOUT TO FALL APART OH THANK GOD HALF TIME.

Yelverton demands to be the first call when any new developments occur, at which point Lieutenant Phillips tells Yelverton that the IRS has no jurisdiction in a murder investigation. Yelverton casually mentions the lieutenant’s car repayment problems and Phillips promises to be in touch.

Later that afternoon, Jess is hanging out at the factory when Phillips appears to sample some goods and find out about Edna’s side of the tax case. JB points out that it’s only an IRS claim, and that nothing is proven yet, to which Philips says “Clearly you’ve never owned a car.”

This episode is well weird. And I'm not just saying that because I'm football commentating all the way through it.

This episode is well weird. And I’m not just saying that because I’m football commentating all the way through it.

Philips reveals that Nolan was killed elsewhere and then moved to the train tracks, so the police were now checking where everyone who knew Nolan was. JB was at the concert with JK (nice abbreviating guys), while Gail, George and Richard were all at home. Edna reveals that she was home from 7:30 waiting for Nolan, who had left word that he was coming by to talk to her, but he obviously didn’t make it.

Philips is not entirely pleased with this lack of alibi so JB asks Edna if there is anyone who could possibly verify it. Edna remembers a delivery guy who came to her house by mistake because of blah blah address, to deliver a pizza, but she didn’t know the company or the name of the delivery guy. Philips is even less pleased but Jessica Fletcher doesn’t bow down from a challenge, and now that the third quarter is about to start I hope Richmond don’t either.

Jess tracks down the correct pizza orderer and confirms the pizza restaurant she got it from. She then rings the pizza place but finds out that Benny got fired that morning for getting lost. YASSSS COME ON RICHMOND.

The doorbell rings – it’s Lieutenant Phillips with bad news. The ballistic report has come in, Nolan was shot by a .38 – cooincidentally the same COME ON LLOYDY YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HOLY CRAP I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING gun that is registered in the name of Edna Hayes. Edna tells him Hayes is a common name and he should check his records again at which point JB takes her aside for a quiet word. Edna tells Jess that she cooperated with the IRS and look where that got her OUR BACKLINE HAVEN’T PLAYED THIS WELL ALL YEAR but Jess tells her to come clean and she tells Lieutenant Philips that she bought a gun for protection after the divorce. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AWAY 50 NOW FOR GOD’S SAKE RICHMOND I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS.

MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT MISS IT DAMN IT.

Philips informs them that the gun had clearly been fired recently, and that Edna is going to have to be arrested. COME ON JACK WE LOVE YOU JACK…..YESSSS JACKKKKKKKKKKKKK HOLY CRAP WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Down at the police station Yelverton pops in to gloat about how getting his hands on Edna’s money will be a lot easier if Edna is behind bars. SUCK IT DANGERFIELD YOU AIN’T WON NO BROWNLOW YET. As he is leaving, he sees Jessica filling out the paperwork for a visit with Edna and tells JB if his opinion accounts, JB has quite a talent.

“Oh?” Says JB. “Which one of my books have you read?”

“Books? I’m talking about your tax returns.” Says Yelverton.

HOLY CRAP WE JUST GOT ANOTHER GOAL WHAT IS LIFE

HOLY CRAP WE JUST GOT ANOTHER GOAL WHAT IS LIFE

GO BACHAR!

OH HOLY CRAP HOW DID WE GET AWAY WITH THAT?

After Jess’s visit she pops in to Philips’s office for a chat and when she finds Philips unwilling to see sense re: Edna’s innocence, she decides to take the bull by the horns (and some quality dubbing) and calls every pizza place in Jonesboro to track down this mysterious pizza delivery guy. YES THAT WAS FIFTY METRES THANKS FOR PAYING ATTENTION UMPIRES.

Naturally Jess finds him, and confirms Enda’s alibi. COME ON JACK YOU BEA-OH DAMN HE MISSED.

With Edna released from prison JB decides to  get this case sorted once and for all so she can get back to her book tour. She asks Gail about the source of the mysterious phone message that Nolan left but Gail tells her she didn’t speak to Nolan, she found the message on her desk. Edna’s secretary was on lunch so her guess it was the auditor, Spencer Prince, who took the call. JK and George appear and agree that it must have been Spencer. JK adds that Spencer had just left the building, otherwise JB could have asked him himself.

ALRIGHT RICHMOND YOU ONLY HAVE A QUARTER TO GET THROUGH DO NOT PULL A RICHMOND.

Jess is starting to get suspicious of this elusive Spencer Prince character, who NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT who has always just left when she arrives. JK points out the window and says “There he is!” just as he drives away. COME ON RICHMOND DON’T DO THIS TO ME.

Jess has a bright idea about who might be able to shed a little light Spencer Prince and goes to see Yelverton AS IF THAT WAS A FREE KICK GO BACK TO SPECSAVERS.

Jess has the same opinion of tax people that I do.

WHY DO I EVEN WATCH FOOTBALL I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP

WHY DO I EVEN WATCH FOOTBALL I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP

Jess asks Yelverton to look up Prince in the system, and MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS DAMN IT Yelverton is delighted to be of service. He tells JB that he met Prince once, he wore glasses and a hat and a bowtie AND ARGH GOD RICHMOND JUST KICK ONE DAMN GOAL ALREADY. Yelverton is horrified to think that Prince was the architect of this fraud and jumps on the computer to find out more about him. JESUS CHRIST RICHMOND WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT I CAN’T GO ON.

Um, wait what was I on about? Right, so Yelverton is aghast to discover that Spencer Prince has only been paying tax for the last six or so years and so now Yelverton is on the case and ANOTHER GOAL? RICHMOND ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION I SAID DON’T DO A RICHMOND FOR ONCE IN THIS MISERABLE GODDAMN SEASON DON’T SNATCH DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY.

While Edna shares JB’s theory about the ficticious Spencer Prince with JK, Jessica is with Lieutenant Philips in St Louis I CAN’T WATCH THIS ANY MORE at the apartment of Spencer Prince. They find the housekeeper who, it turns out, hasn’t actually met Spencer Prince either HOW MANY FREE KICKS DO YOU WANT TO NOT GIVE. Lieutenant Philips finds Nolan’s wallet and is convinced that Spencer Prince is the guilty party, and puts out an APB.

Later that night JB and Edna are poring over the books trying to find the missing money when the lights go out and a shadowy figure appears with a gun. It’s the man everyone’s been looking for, Spencer Prince. He orders them to hand over the books and forces them into the closet while he legs it. Jessica quickly calls the police before they hear a shot. OH GOOD YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE GOALS LOOK LIKE IT’S A BIT BLOODY LATE NOW ISN’T IT.

AND THERE GOES THE SIREN RICHMOND YOU ARE THE GRADY FLETCHER OF FOOTBALL TEAMS I SWEAR TO GOD I AM DONE WITH YOU.

JB and Edna rush outside and find Richard standing over Spencer’s body. He says he was there to help go over the books, but Spencer came towards him with a gun and something something. JB looks at the body and notices the weird hairline is actually a wig – it’s JK Davern. Richard says it kind of makes sense when you think about it, at which point JB tells Edna to pull the gun on him. Because the gun Richard has isn’t the gun JK pulled on them.

Not to be confused with Richmond of Death. Because supporting Richmond will be the death of me.

Not to be confused with Richmond of Death. Because supporting Richmond will be the death of me.

Because Richard and JK were in cahoots and took it in turns to be Spencer Prince while they extorted all the monies and then Nolan saw them impersonating and so they shot him and oh who cares my football team are hopeless is it acceptable to eat a block of salted caramel kitkats for dinner?

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RICHMOND I AM GOING TO RAGE EAT

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RICHMOND I AM GOING TO RAGE EAT

S07E14 – Who Killed JB Fletcher?

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Shenanigans! Outrage! Fancy dogs! Someone is running around Texas pretending to be JB Fletcher!

Obviously.

Obviously.

This obvious doppelganger is on the Case of the Dog What Always Wins The Dog Show, and is breaking into the kennels to prove it. Unfortunately for Jessica Faux-tcher (nailed it), she didn’t take into consideration a little thing called a silent alarm and gets arrested. She’s bailed out the next morning by her friend Kit and her true identity is revealed – Marge Allen, mother of a state senator and so clearly can’t be seen getting arrested breaking into dog kennels. Marge gets Kit to drive her to her car, via the home of kennel owners the McAuleys. Marge returns a short time later to confront Lisa McAuley about the Blatant Outrage of Dog Related Corruption, but begins to scream when a bloodied hand opens a door. Or something.

Meanwhile, in New York City a news report comes on the television – JB Fletcher has been arrested for breaking and entering.

Sorry not sorry

Sorry not sorry

Reassured that she hasn’t been smoking peyote for 6 straight days,  JB gets on the phone to sort this out but local sheriff JT Tanner refuses to believe her, and says a split personality defence is between her and her lawyer.

Aren't we all.

Aren’t we all.

Exasperated, JB gets on the first train, plane and automobile to Bremerton, Texas.  Her first stop is the sheriff’s office, but the Sheriff is unmoved by her ID card, Cabot Cove library card and other odds and ends, saying Jessica Faux-tcher had the same ID card. Jessica sighs and asks for directions to the nearest bookshop.

KNEEL BEFORE ME, MORTAL

KNEEL BEFORE ME, MORTAL

The sheriff capitulates in the face of inescapable logic, and tells JB he’ll change the arrest record to ‘Jane Doe’. JB wants to know what happens next but the sheriff tells her he’ll take care of it. He does begrudgingly tell her name of the person who bailed out Jessica Faux-tcher, and Jess heads there next. She knocks on Kit’s front door and gets a response she probably wasn’t expecting…

I had this exact reaction when I saw the ads for Zumbo's Just Desserts

I had this exact reaction when I saw the ads for Zumbo’s Just Desserts

That’s nothing compared to what’s inside – the weekly meeting of the JB Fletcher Literary Appreciation Society (JBFLAS)

j2

j1

Stephen King has a lot to answer for

Stephen King has a lot to answer for

The literary society – Bertie, Kit, Florence, Jane and Caroline – want to know what JB is doing in town and she tells them about the arrest of Jessica Faux-tcher. Kit looks uncomfortable and tells the others that Marge was the one who got arrested, and had used her JB Fletcher ID so that her son wouldn’t find out.  JB is very interested in these Fletcher-IDs and demands they all give theirs up immediately (fair).

Kit tells JB about the Case of The Dog What Wins All The Time, and that Marge had cracked the case that morning. Jess goes to see Marge at home, but finds the house empty and a fresh newspaper on the path.

k1

That escalated quickly.

That escalated quickly. (That report clearly written by Richard Wilkins)

Back at the headquarters of the society (or as it shall be ever known, JBFLASH), the news of Marge’s death is handled in varying ways.

Factual.

Factual.

According to the newspaper, Marge was killed when she lost control of her car. The rest of the JBFLAS call shenanigans – Marge drove that road regularly, there was no way she would have lost control. Jess wonders what Marge discovered at the MacAuley’s house and after a brief competition, Kit volunteers to drive her over.

They arrive at the MacAuley house to discover a wake in progress for Simon MacAuley, recently deceased after he was shot in the back by his dog, the sort of thing that could happen to anyone at any time obviously. The sheriff is surprised to see JB there and hopes that she’s not there to harass MacAuley’s widow Lisa. Kit introduces JB to local insurance salesman Mitchell Lawrence who is also surprised to see JB there on account of she’s dead. He asks them if they knew Simon well and Kit says they never met him. Mitchell says he’d known Simon for a long time, but they weren’t particularly close – Simon preferred dogs. (Understandable).

Mitchell excuses himself and JB tells  Kit she’s going to try and have a chat with Lisa McAuley. Kit declares she’s going to scope the room for anything unusual.

JB WORKS ALONE.

JB WORKS ALONE.

Jess wants to reassure Lisa that she wasn’t responsible for the break-in at the kennel, but Lisa doesn’t seem particularly bothered. Jess wonders what Marge could have been looking for and Lisa says there was only paperwork in there, nothing valuable. Jess goes on to say it must have been very upsetting to have Marge turn up at their house that morning looking for her husband, but Lisa says Marge was never there, and her reasons for breaking into the kennel will never be known – Lisa assumes that Marge must have been a crazy grey-haired loon, nothing more, though she is sorry to hear she died.

Jess takes her leave and finds Kit who reports that the sheriff was in an argument with Jethro from Beverly Hillbillies, and that she didn’t think the sheriff liked him all that much. JB thinks Lisa doesn’t like him either, but that they needed to leave before they out-lasted their welcome. Outside they run into Jethro again – turns out he is a state trooper who was hoping to start a canine unit with Simon’s help, but it never got anywhere.

Back at JBFLASH, Jess tells the ladies that Lisa lied about not seeing Marge, and that Jess might stick around for a couple of days, just to satisfy her curiosity. The ladies are delighted and immediately offer their assistance in solving the case.

JB is not on board with this plan.

JB is not on board with this plan.

Jess thanks the ladies, but thinks that she should take her suspicions to the proper authorities. Unfortunately for JB, the proper authorities think it’s all a load of codswallop and the sheriff informs JB that if there’s any investigating to be done, he will do it.

That night JB is dismayed to learn that her credit cards have been cancelled on account of she’s dead according to that one guy in the paper, which is totally legit and the sort of thing that happens all the time. Kit guesses that the local article was picked up by the wires and the news of JB’s untimely demise has gone across the country.

That Penny just dropped.

That Penny just dropped.

Kit takes JB back to her place for the night, where she calls Seth and Grady (ugh) to confirm that she’s not dead yet. A good nights sleep is in order, and in the morning she is borrowing a dog.

The next morning, Jess acquires a basset hound and a Texan accent and drops the dog off at the MacAuley kennels where the groomer, Rick, hasn’t got much to say on the subject of Simon’s untimely demise. Their next stop is to meet JBFLAS member Florence, incognito at a local restaurant, to find out what she’s learned from her husband at the coroner’s office. She shows them the autopsy report – Marge almost definitely wasn’t driving when she was killed, her glasses were in the glovebox. Florence, pleased with herself goes to have lunch with her husband, and JB notices another clue before Jethro wanders past. He asks about the contents of the envelope and Jess tells him its research for her new book.

“Oh,” says Jethro. “Are you a writer?”

shots fired

shots fired

Jess asks Jethro what he meant the previous day when he told Lisa MacAuley he offered his sympathies even under these circumstances. Jethro says he meant stupidity – no self-respecting hunter would leave a loaded rifle leaned up against a tree for a dog to knock over. JB goes to report her theory that Simon McAuley was shot by a person but the Sheriff orders her away from the case. Jess and Kit return to the kennels to pick up the dog, and discover Lisa and Rick have a little something something going on the side nudge nudge wink wink. Back at Kit’s house, they get a visit from the Sheriff – he checked JB’s theory with the coroner and he agreed with JB’s assessment that Simon McAuley didn’t die where the body was found. They go out to the crime scene and get a soil sample to test the theory further.

The next day Jess discovers her phone card has been cancelled on account of that article in the paper what said she was dead and stuff. A passing Mitchell the insurance guy gallantly offers the use of the phone in his office and JB calls Seth to wire her some money. Before she goes, Mitchell asks about the rumour that Simon McAuley’s death was a murder and she confirms that the Sheriff is off getting some evidence tested in Dallas as they spoke.

Back at JBFLASH the society is trawling through old newspapers looking for clues when Bertie bursts in brandishing the password for the insurance company files. They discover that Simon MacAuley’s insurance policy had recently been raised to 2 million dollars. Boom! Motive!

Jess is going to break the sound barrier getting out of town when this is over.

Jess is going to break the sound barrier getting out of town when this is over.

They report their findings to the Sheriff, along with their discovery of Rick and Lisa at the kennel and the Sheriff leaps into action. He heads over to the McAuley house just as Rick hightails it out of there on his motorbike. He puts the word out for Rick to get picked up and requests backup. Inside, he finds Lisa dead.

JB appears to assist the examination of the crime scene and points out blood spatter on the lightbulb in the basement, proving (according to her) her theory that Simon was killed there. Later, when Rick gets picked up he swears he didn’t strangle Lisa, he loved her. He found her dead then ran. The Sheriff is suspicious but Rick’s alibi checks out and he is forced to let Rick go.

Jess calls an emergency meeting at JBFLASH to reassess their position in the case, as their original WIFE OF DEATH theory has kind of fallen apart, and they still don’t know how Marge got inolved. Jess half-remembers seeing something important on the insurance report and checks it again.She remembers Jane’s earlier lament that Simon was the only B- blood donor in the area, which is odd because on the insurance report  his blood is listed as A+.

A quick snoop through some medical files later, and JB has solved it.

Not quite as catchy as Death of a Salesman but meh.

Not quite as catchy as Death of a Salesman but meh.

Mitchell and Lisa had done a deal to split Simon’s insurance money, and so killed him. Marge turned up at precisely the wrong time and so she died. And Lisa was cracking under the pressue and so Mitchell killed him.

This meeting of the JB Fletcher Literary Appreciation Society is now closed. Let’s celebrate with a drink.

s2

Later gang!

Later gang!

 

S07E13 – Moving Violation

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It’s a beautiful day in Cabot Cove Fletcherfans and Mayor Sam Booth is in election mode, making sure people are registering to vote.

“Why vote?” says townsperson Janet. “It only encourages them.”

Silly Janet. Everyone knows the reason to vote is to go to the sausage sizzle and cake stall afterwards #democracysausages #freedombrownies #myelectionswagwasgoodthisyear

Silly Janet. Everyone knows the reason to vote is to go to the sausage sizzle and cake stall afterwards #democracysausages #freedombrownies #myelectionswagwasgoodthisyear

Meanwhile, Sherriff Mort Metzger is out on patrol chatting on the two-way with Floyd and contemplating hitting the golf range when a fancy sports car goes hooning by. He leaps into action and pulls the car over a little way down the road. The car is being driven by Brad Hellman, who in real life is the Boss’s nephew or in other words

Nephew of Boss-lady. Just so we're clear.

Nephew of Boss-lady. Just so we’re clear.

Anyway, Brad the N.O.B has no time for Mort – he claims he forgot his license and when Mort spots a bottle of whisky and a wad of cash in the backseat Brad decides to offer Mort some ID in the form of some sweet cash dollars. Mort arrests him. Back at the Sheriff’s office JB is perusing some old case files for research for her new book when Mort arrives with the N.OB, who is spouting off about false arrest and yada yada yada and do you know who my father is?

The N.O.B’s father, it turns out, is Ambassador Chandler Hellman, and when JB calls up her old friend Haskell Drake (previously seen here and never seen again, bit odd really) he gives her the dirt – Hellman senior is a power hungry bloke whose wife is the newest model off the assembly line and the pair of them are trying to buy their way in, while the son narrowly avoided jail time a few years earlier when the N.O.B totalled his father’s car drink driving and killed a cop and his family, and severely injured a woman. Jess thinks she knows now why Mort is being particularly savage about this one.

Back in the Cove, the N.O.B’s lawyer, Jason Farrell, has arrived and is threatening Mort with All The Things. The N.O.B claims Mort didn’t advise him of his right to refuse a breathalyser test or at least that’s what they’ll say in court and to conclude they are going to destroy Mort.

Mort gives 0 bothers.

Mort gives 0 bothers.

Jess is summoned to Mayor Booth’s office. Sam is in a dilly of a pickle – he has been getting phone calls all over the place about the N.O.B and is about to fly off the handle. Jess hopes he will be standing by the Sheriff but they are soon interrupted by the N.O.B’s father and step-mother, Chandler and Meredith Hellman, who are horrified at the way their son has been treated.

Jess also gives 0 bothers

Jess also gives 0 bothers

Sam introduces JB to the Hellman’s and Mrs Hellman is quite excited to meet the famous JB Fletcher. Sam asks what he can do to help, and Chandler demands the removal of the corrupt sheriff. Jessica won’t stand for this but Mrs Hellman defuses the situation by pointing out they should go and talk to the Sheriff and Brad first.

Side note, Mrs Hellman’s outfit is impressive but I forgot/didn’t bother to get a proper screenshot.

You may recognise Mrs Hellman as the mum from Webster. Thanks IMDB!

You may recognise Mrs Hellman as the mum from Webster. Thanks IMDB!

At the sheriff’s office Chandler Hellman privately berates his son, who tells him it won’t look good in the Washington Post if the Ambassador’s son is in prison, while in the office Meredith Hellman tries to charm everyone by saying she hopes a youthful indiscretion won’t mean the end of N.O.B’s life.

“What about Frank Casey’s life?” Growls Mort.

Meredith pleads ignorance, and then Chandler reappears crying police brutality. They rush into the cells to find a (little bit) bloodied N.O.B. JB asks who did this to him and he points at Mort (after an excellent panning shot that you will have to trust me on because I still can’t work out how to make gifs from VLC)

Sam returns to his office and immediately falls apart.

Poor Sam. He's still cut about Janet's bitchy remark at the beginning of the episode.

Poor Sam. He’s still cut about Janet’s bitchy remark at the beginning of the episode.

Unlike Sam, JB isn’t going to take this lying down. Floyd told her that he saw Brad and there wasn’t a mark on him, and she suspects Chandler of being the punchy culprit. She goes off hunting information.

Back at the Sheriff’s office a bloke named Len has just arrived with N.O.B’s lunch and offers to take it in to the prisoner since Mort is so busy. N.O.B is less than delighted with the meatloaf and vegies, and less with the audience – he asks Len if he plans to stand there and watch him eat. Len departs without a word. Weird.

That night, JB is chilling out at House Fletcher when she gets a visit from Mrs Hellman, who is hoping to persuade Jessica to use her influence in the town to persuade the Sheriff to drop all charges. Because guys, her husband is a powerful man, have I mentioned this?

h2

JB has had enough of your crap Meredith.

JB has had enough of your crap Meredith.

Man I shouldn’t write this when I’m hungry.

That night, JB goes for a wander and finds Mort down by the water, tossing stones and looking glum. Jess tells him that she’s feeling depressed about how rich people get away with things (preach it sister) and Mort tells her he’s giving up, he’s going to resign in the morning. She asks him about Fred Casey and he tells her they worked together back in the day. He wasn’t there the night Casey and his family died but he saw how it got covered up. Jess begs Mort not to give up but he tells her N.O.B made bail an hour ago.

The next morning…

*starts making bass line noises*

Da dun dun dun, da da dun dun, da da dun dun dun, SO DARLIN DARLIN STAND

The aforementioned body, unsurprisingly, is N.O.B. Mort feels the pressure immediately, getting calls from Sam to sort it out, but before he can call Hellman’s Chandler and his attorney appear in the office, after getting a phone call from the coroner’s office. Chandler Hellman is now on a mission to see Mort done for the murder of his son.

Mort gets called into Sam’s office, where he gets more bad news. Lieutenant Avery Powell has been sent down from the capital to investigate charges of misconduct against Mort, as well as the potential murder charge. Mort is suspended until further notice, but Mort tells them to go to hell and quits. YOU GO MORT.

Mort goes to see JB for a little sympathy and finds her doing dishes and wearing that cardigan that I want.

For real though. I want that cardigan.

For real though. I want that cardigan.

JB doesn’t have time for Mort’s misery, they need to solve the mystery. One – why was N.O.B in Cabot Cove? Mort was under the impression N.O.B was just passing through but Mrs Hellman told JB she picked up some fresh clothes for Brad at the hotel so he can’t have been. Two – who owns the car, since it isn’t Brad’s? Mort has a name, Morgan Phillips, but will get his friends in New York to run it down. Meanwhile Jess tries to get more info out of Haskell, but the only thing he can think of is that a 911 call was made by a hysterical woman demanding an ambulance, but he doesn’t know more than that. Jess suspects that the woman might be Morgan, the owner of the car, but can’t be sure.

Jess next goes to see Avery Powell at the sheriff’s office but he doesn’t want a bar of her help. She does manage to see the gun and 3 spent cartridges they found near where the body was, and memorises the serial number. She tells Mort, who asks his friend in New York and sure enough the gun belongs to the same Morgan Phillips that owns the car. THE PLOT IS THICK WITH PLOT.

Jess heads to the Navarro Hotel, where she finds the Hellmans sitting down to lunch with a young woman – Morgan Phillips, N.O.B’s fiancee. Mrs Hellman is just heartbroken to think of Mort shooting N.O.B three times…JB is much more interested in Morgan though, and asks if she’s been in Cabot Cove long, but Meredith informs her that Morgan arrived that morning on the family jet. Jess wonders if she could have a word with Morgan but Chandler and Meredith declare they are late for a meeting and shoot off, Morgan giving JB a worried look as they go. DUN DUN.

Hot on the scent, Jess stops by reception to ask the desk manager how long Morgan had been staying in town and manages to wangle out of him that Morgan was with N.O.B before he was arrested. JB heads straight to the lieutenant to tell Lieutenant Avery and faced with the fact that JB is better at his job than he is, they summon Morgan to the sheriff’s office. Long story short, they came to Cabot Cove because the girl who was involved in N.O.B’s accident was blackmailing him and N.O.B had had enough, so he came to Cabot Cove to kill her. Morgan freaked out and hid her gun in N.O.B’s suitcase where he apparently didn’t find it.

Jess suspects that N.O.B wasn’t the only person who knew the identity of the blackmailer and so plants a note from the blackmailer in the Hellman family lawyer’s pigeonhole at the hotel. JB and Mort follow him to the home of Len Costner, aka he who delivered lunch way back. Mort says it fits, Len and his wife moved to Cabot Cove with their daughter Janet about four years ago. OH SNAP. I’ve watched this twice and I didn’t put it together that Janet at the start of this episode and Janet now are the same person good grief I’m hungry.

JB finds Janet in the park, and gets her theory confirmed. Janet only met N.O.B that night, he gave her a lift home but crashed the car, killing the Casey family. She got to a pay phone to call an ambulance and then her family who later decided to get money out of the Hellman’s when Janet’s injuries were greater than they first thought. At home, Mr and Mrs Costner (heh heh) admit to blackmail but tell Jess that they never even knew N.O.B was in town until he got arrested.

When Jess takes the information to Avery, he is unmoved. Jess manages to read the medical examiner’s report upside down and discovers that while there were 3 shots fired, only 2 hit N.O.B.

That solves it for JB and she lays a trap for the killer to wander into.

She loves that hat though.

She loves that hat though.

Fed up with her step-son’s antics, Meredith put an end to it, and him. And now I’m going to put an end to these hunger pains.

EAT ALL THE THINGS!

EAT ALL THE THINGS!

 

 

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