Home

S11E07 – Fatal Paradise

1 Comment

Once upon a time in a Chicago far away, a man gets dumped by voicemail. Rather than letting it get to him, he calls a pal and asks him to recommend a guard dog who isn’t too bright and won’t ask a lot of questions.

Cut to…

BRB, googling Martinique

…and JB is being accosted in her hotel room by helicopter mother Melanie Venable who wants Jessica’s opinion on if her son Hilton Augustus Venable has any talent as a writer which also happens if you work in publishing and go online dates just FYI. JB is saved by the owner of the hotel Lauren Delagre, who it turns out is a former resident of Cabot Cove and has her own problems including a belligerent teenage son called Jeff and a gambling addict husband called Maurice. Lauren arranges to meet Jess downstairs and stops to let her son know the sink is blocked in one of the rooms.

Jeff knocks on the door, and the guest lets him in, still talking on the phone.

The coffee hasn’t kicked in yet.

Turns out, guard dog is another word for a private detective, obviously, and everyone’s second favourite detective (HARRY MCGRAW FOREVER) Charlie Garrett is hot on the tail of the Chicago dude Phil Spurling’s missing wife Dorie and her new boyfriend Graham Farrow. While Jeff attends to the pipes, Charlie informs Phil that his wife and Farrow are on a yacht in the bay.

Cut to

Well shit I thought it was Reno

And a woman reading a book in the park gets a call from Phil Spurling, who tells her Martinique.

“Where on the island?” She says.

“L’Hotel des Deux Perroquets”, he says.

She hangs up and leaves the park. And scene.

Back at L’Hotel des Deux Perroquets, Lauren’s husband Maurice is getting his gamble on with a policeman, some rando, and of all people Graham Farrow. Maurice goes all in, including an IOU on a napkin, but it backfires when his four jacks get beat by a straight flush. Graham tells Maurice it was lucky he lost to someone who is so fond of him, then excuses himself to go check on the women. A gendarme pops in to tell the police captain of Charlie Garrett’s presence in Martinique. Looks like poker night finished early.

The ladies Graham is referring to are Dorie Spurling, Lauren Delagre and JB who are kicking it on the yacht. Dorie thought it would be a good idea for her and Lauren to get to know each other since Graham and Maurice are such good friends – “Am I right Jessica?”

It’s wine time, not sorting out your problems time.

Lauren agrees with Dorie though, and they clink glasses. Dorie understands, you see. Dorie thinks Lauren feels threatened by her because she left her husband and Lauren has only thought about it – “Am I right Jessica?”

Jessica is staying the hell out of this.

Maurice and Graham turn up on the boat at exactly that moment to share the news – Maurice has gambled half ownership of the hotel over to Graham. Good one Maurice.

At dinner, the mysterious lady from the park checks in as Norma Willens and bumps into Hilton Augustus Venable, who gives her puppy dog eyes, and Melanie Venable, who gives her the evil eye. Meanwhile, JB has just polished off her dinner when a familiar voice rings out through the restaurant.

THERE IS NOWHERE JB IS SAFE.

Charlie is delighted to see Jessica, obviously, but before he can tell her what he’s doing there the police captain arrives to ask him that very question. “Scuba diving.” He announces. Jessica tells him her room number and the police captain asks Charlie to follow him outside. Meanwhile, Jeff Delagre has a whinge to his girlfriend on the front desk about how everything sucks especially his father.

Back in JB’s hotel room, Jess and Charlie have a nightcap while he explains he is in town to retrieve Dorie Spurling from her kidnappers. Jess is rather surprised to hear Dorie has been kidnapped but Charlie swears the girl in the photo (who is indeed Dorie) doesn’t look like the kind to leave their husband. Something sketchy is definitely going on, maybe Dorie has Stockholm Syndrome and has gone full Patty Hearst. Anyway, absolutely nothing shady about Dorie’s husband, and Charlie will see JB later.

Charlie really is picking up where Harry left off

Over on the yacht, Dorie is doing a bit of her own investigating and has found a suitcase full of cash. DUN DUN.

The next morning, Graham is over at the hotel bemoaning how it has fallen into disrepair. Jeff’s girlfriend tried to defend the Delagres but Lauren pops up and tells her there’s no need. She points Graham to the door. Graham tells her she should be pleased, now there are two people to worry about Maurice’s gambling. Lauren says there’s nothing wrong with her husband and Graham says whatever,  he’s getting papers drawn up to formalise his share in the hotel.

The lady of the hour, Dorie Spurling, rolls up to the hotel and immediately crashes into Charlie, who can’t believe his luck. He offers to buy her a drink and they disappear into the bar, under the watchful eye of Norma Willens who grins to herself. Jess has tea and sympathy with Lauren, who thinks Dorie was right, she is in denial about Maurice. Jeff pops in to report that the roof is basically cactus, but Maurice joins them shortly afterwards to say that it’s all good, Graham has agreed to foot the bill for a new roof and some other repairs. Jeff says great, maybe he can buy them a new hotel. Lauren tells him not to speak to his father like that and Jeff declares it’s liberating and she should try it.

Sidebar:

That shirt is tremendous.

In the bar, Charlie and Dorie are having a lovely time reminiscing about Chicago when a thug wanders past to cut the chat short. Dorie wishes Charlie a nice day and leaves. Huh. Maybe Charlie wasn’t insane about the kidnapping theory.

Jess is at the front desk getting a fax from her editor when Norma Willens wanders past to buy some stamps. Colette tries to introduce her to JB but she politely rushes off. She then bumps into Hilton Augustus Venable and tells him she hasn’t responded to his messages because she’s not interested. He suggests later, as his mother appears to growl at him. Jessica returns his story and tells him she enjoyed it, but Melanie Venable hasn’t got time to be pleased about that, she wants Hilton to back off Norma until the family lawyer can work out if she’s an appropriate woman for him to date. Ay ay ay. PS. Hilton looks about 35.

Jess and Charlie go for a stroll, and Jess warns Charlie even if he is right about the situation with Dorie, he shouldn’t let his feelings get involved. He spots Dorie with Graham and the thug and goes over to greet her. Graham nods at the thug who beats the crap out of Charlie before walking away.

Sidebar this might be the best screencap I’ve yoinked since the last time I said that.

I CAN’T EVEN.

Later that night Charlie’s recovering in his room when he gets a call from Dorie. She tells him Graham knows who he is and why he’s here. She knows he’s here to return the money Graham stole from Phil and Charlie says uh, yeah, sure. Dorie wants out of everything – she can get her hands on the money, but she doesn’t want to lead Charlie on. Charlie’s on the case and enlists Jessica’s help while he gets over to the yacht, whacks the thug on the head and gets Dorie out of there.

Meanwhile back at the bar…

This episode represents a golden shirt era.

…Jessica distracts Graham with quality shirts and also questions about boats “for her next book”. Graham has had enough at this point and excuses himself.

Charlie and Dorie make to land, but a hidden figure shoots Dorie and then scarpers when Charlie starts firing back. Dorie has enough time to say Charlie’s name before she dies, and he looks miserable.

The next day Jessica is dragged down to the police station to tell police what she knows about the affair and where Charlie is now. Before she can answer a gendarme frog marches Charlie into the office, with his recently fired gun. Jess asks if it matches the bullet used to kill Dorrie and the police captain says they couldn’t find it but he hardly thinks that matters.

Back at the hotel, Jeff bumps into his father coming out of Charlie’s room. Maurice tells him the pipes weren’t fixed correctly the first time and storms off. Jeff tells JB his father is fuming because Graham Farrow has pulled out of plans to fund the roof repair. I bet he has.

Jess goes for a walk with Lauren to hunt for clues. Lauren is suspicious of Charlie, but JB says he’s got a good heart underneath it all and immediately finds the bullet that Charlie fired off the previous night because at this stage JB has achieved god-level status in all forms of criminology.

Things kick up a notch. Graham gets on the phone to Spurling and accuses him of arranging the hit on Dorrie. Phil says well yeah duh, now return the money to continue being alive. Graham tells him he doesn’t have it and to ask Charlie where it is. Melanie Venables watches Norma Willens walk through the library and gets a call from her lawyer. Charlie gets a call from Spurling asking where the money is, and Charlie tells him he knows nothing. Graham and the thug arrive and Charlie’s room looking for the money and he tells them the same thing. The thug starts beating the crap out of Charlie, interrupting Jessica’s phone call in her room. She goes to investigate and pushes past Graham telling her that Charlie is unavailable. She scolds the thug and goes to Charlie’s aid while Graham and the thug depart. Jess scolds Charlie for not telling her the truth and says Phil Spurling is in deep money trouble ever since Dorie ran off. Charlie swears Dorie had nothing to do with the missing six million bucks.

Six mil is a lot of early 90s dollars you guys.

Charlie takes JB to where he hid the money after Dorie died, but someone’s grabbed it. Charlie panics, but Jess notices some distinctive footprints in the dirt.

Back at the hotel Norma packs up her gun and suitcase for the money and is almost out the door when she runs into Hilton. He apologises, but his mother arranged for her lawyer to look into Norma’s background and she’s completely clean except the teacher’s registration office think she’s been dead for two years. Norma swears she will look into it, and Hilton asks if he can call her. JB and Charlie appear and tell him she’ll enjoy hearing from him IN JAIL. Norma pulls a gun but Charlie has no time for that.

Norma confirms JB’s suspicions at the police station – she was hired to bump off Dorie, but someone beat her to it. After the murder she followed Charlie and grabbed the money and would have gotten away with it, etc etc. Jess sees the captain cleaning a metal pipe and suddenly realises Norma is telling the truth. JB knows who the killer is, she just needs to stop in the village for a prop.

For you see…

Well, this took a dark turn.

…Maurice overheard Dorie and Charlie’s phone conversation and took matters into his own hands. He wanted that money for himself.

Let’s not dwell on that depressing twist.

Later gang!

Advertisements

S10E08 – Love and Hate in Cabot Cove

2 Comments

Welcome to 2018 and welcome back to the Cove Fletcherfans!

Mort is burning the midnight oil down at the Sheriff’s office trying to solve the case of Why Can’t He Access His Files On His Computer.

Noone likes a smartarse, Andy.

Giving up on computers and the prospect of the 21st century in general, Mort goes to retrieve his paper files from the storage room and is shot at by a shadowy figure outside. A car screeches away as Andy comes running in gun drawn. Mort didn’t see the shooter but he has a good idea who it was.

Meanwhile, at the home of Sam Bennett Public Accountant (I would not watch that show), Sam has just returned home to his anxious wife Laura, who wants to know why celebrity client Jessica Fletcher keeps calling. She calls back just as Sam walks in the door but Sam makes faces like he’s not home. Laura tells him she will get dinner ready but he says not to bother, he has another client. After she leaves he grabs a bundle of money out of the safe and puts JB’s file inside.

Over at the new hotspot in town, Jess is treating Seth to dinner while puzzling over the fact that she’s just been swamped with late notices and missing payments that Sam Bennett is supposed to have handled. Seth tells her to calm down, they’ve known Sam for 25 years there’s nothing to worry about. Frank Fletcher was one of Sam’s first clients, it turns out, and Jess is struggling to work out what’s going on. Seth is a client of Sam’s too, but before Jess can find out if Seth knows anything Lou Karamides, the new owner of the hotspot, pops past their table to offer a bottle of champagne for Cabot Cove’s unofficial monarch and his gold cufflinks for the upcoming rummage sale fundraiser.

(Fun fact, Lou Karamides is being played by Richard Beymer so this is basically the Great Northern Hotel)

If it’s true that there are infinite universes in the multiverse, there is a universe where Angela Lansbury was in Twin Peaks and holy crap that makes me happy.

Lou is called away upstairs, where it turns out he has the Star Wars Cantina a hidden casino full of hapless punters including a rather jolly Sam Bennett (aka Wings Hauser from all those other episodes, you guys know). I can’t even begin to wonder where this plot line is going. Lou checks in on Sam’s winnings (none) and Sam asks for some more credit. Lou gives him a grand, because what the hell he’s going to lose it anyway.

(Spoiler alert – I’m not a fan of casinos. Crown Casino in Melbourne is a depressing windowless hellhole filled with loud pinging noises and zombies. And shitty nightclubs. But does have a very good Christmas decorations).

Back at the Sheriff’s office, Mort is putting a call in for a warrant to go on a raid after getting an anonymous tip (and shot at), while new deputy Ethan Loomis gets on the phone to his new girlfriend Candace Bennett aka Sam’s daughter. Apparently, Sam doesn’t like Ethan all that much but Ethan can’t imagine why. Mort gets off the phone and orders Ethan to wrap it up and get the raid gear. Andy does it instead, but Ethan gets off the phone, quickly dials another number and says “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” Andy appears with an armload of guns and Ethan quickly says he was talking to Candace.

If you guessed Ethan was alerting the Great Northern, then give yourself a gold star and an elephant stamp as my grandfather would say. Lou oversees the casino’s return to its regular job as a function room and sends all the gamblers down to the bar for a drink, including Sam who was apparently on to a good run. Sam heads downstairs and spots Jessica and Seth just as they spot him. He goes over and says hi, and Jessica tells him they need to talk. Sam tells her he has to get home but he’ll check his calendar for tomorrow and give her a call, and Seth tells him he’d like a word too.

In the background, Mort and co come barreling in demanding to go upstairs but one of Lou’s minions steps in to stall them. Lou appears, and tells them it’s fine, go on up, we’re just a humble restaurant etc. Upstairs, there is no evidence of any gamblification except a solitary chip lying on the ground. Lou asks Mort why he insists on wasting everyone’s time and Mort tells him to watch himself. Basically.

Over at the Cabot Cove Gazette, apparent new editor Irene Macinoy is finishing up for the night and listening to a classical concert from Berlin when her pouty son Chad bursts in, turns the radio off and demands to know if she’s finished. Irene tells him she saw Candace at the post office, she said to say hi. Irene thinks she misses Chad. Chad thinks Candace doesn’t care if he’s alive or dead and storms out.

#NotAllMen.

Over at House Bennett, Ethan and Candace are making out in the cop car when Sam comes outside to see what’s going on. He orders Candace back in the house, and tells Ethan there’s no way he’d allow Ethan to marry his daughter, especially after seeing Ethan in Lou Karamides’s office earlier in the week. Ethan says he will marry Candace, and Sam orders him off his property.

Laura is not impressed by any of it. YOU DESERVE BETTER LAURA.

It’s like that age-old thing about fathers welcoming their son’s hot girlfriends over for dinner, but greeting their daughter’s hot boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. I mean put it back in your pants, your daughter’s not an idiot. Sorry. That’s a rant for another day.

The next day Mort pops round to see JB. JB wants to talk about her accounting predicament but Mort has fan mail to discuss and a coffee craving that needs dealing with.

(Accurate representation of my feelings towards coffee)

Jess is horrified by Mort’s fan mail and the idea that someone shot at him. Mort tells her it was Lou Karamedis, the owner of the Timber Lane Inn (oh, not the Great Northern. Whatever).  Mort can’t prove Lou fired the gun but he certainly knows who did. Mort asks what JB’s predicament is, but she’s running late for an appointment, so Mort offers to drive her over. Unfortunately, Mort’s car is falling apart so Jess gets a lift with Seth while Mort gets his car towed. Seth happens to drive past – on his way to see Sam, who has some explaining to do, and offers to drive JB to the Gazette office so she can place the ad for the rummage sale.

As it happens, pouty mcPoutface Chad is back in his mother’s office yelling at her to give him a job delivering newspapers, but she tells him he’s far too successful to be doing that. He was such a success in Philidelphia (I WAS FIRED IN PHILIDELPHIA says Chad). Irene thinks he’s just a bit stressed, what he needs is a wife to take care of him.

(At this point I paused the show, beat my head against the desk five times, then resumed)

Irene agrees to get him the job, and offers to give him some money to tide him over. Chad storms out.

Seth leaves JB at the Gazette office, where she runs into Chad, who very politely tells her he loves her books. They chat about things for a bit, before Jess goes into the office, walking straight past Laura Bennett, who is looking worried. Which is fair, her husband is embezzling money and her daughter’s dating an idiot.

Irene takes JB’s ad and starts prepping it for print. Jess says she ran into Chad on the way in, and Irene tells her he’s doing great, he is working for a big company in Philly, and if it weren’t for the fact Cabot Cove was part of his territory she wouldn’t ever see him. Jess thinks the last time she saw him was when he got his football scholarship to college, and Irene says oh yes, he gave it up, no future in it.

I don’t think Irene is okay. Later, when Seth gives JB a lift home from the supermarket, he tells her that Chad got booted from college for drinking all the time, and returned back to the Cove to be near his high school girlfriend Candace Bennett. Because that’s healthy.

Later that afternoon Laura is waiting for Sam when he gets home. She plays Sam the message Jessica has left on the answering machine, in which she tells him her financials are a mess, he didn’t call her, she has to assume he’s avoiding her, and so on and so forth.

That night, Ethan meets Lou for the traditional Paying of the Bribes. Lou wants to know who is firing at Mort, and Ethan says if Lou’s going to tell him who to arrest, that will cost him extra. Lou doesn’t like that idea or ambitious people. Over at House Bennett, a drunk Chad turns up to force himself on Candace, and is escorted out by the cops after Sam barges in with a shotgun. The next day Sam demands Chad be locked up but Mort tells him Candace declined to press charges so Chad is free to go. Sam is furious, but when Mort gets on the phone to tell Ethan to go pick up his car Sam gives up and walks out. Ethan tells Mort he has an idea about Chad but he’ll tell Mort when he brings the car in.

Except nope, because someone just shot him while he was driving the car back.

Fast forward to the funeral where Sam is very condescendingly comforting his daughter, while Irene tells Chad now isn’t the right time to chat up Candace.

#TeamLaura

JB and Seth try to console Mort as best they can but he tells them to go, he’ll be fine. Secretly though he thinks he was supposed to be the target, the killer saw his car and fired.

Poor Mort is devo.

Jess and Seth go and have a look at the crime scene but there’s not much to discover. Seth waves at a passing car and Jessica realises there was no way that the killer mistook Ethan for Mort, Ethan was the intended target. Jess thinks this will reassure Mort, but he still thinks he was the target – what with all the hate mail he was getting after all. Lou Karamedis definitely hired a hitman if he didn’t do it himself. Jess tells him a hit man would be more professional, and Mort tells her everyone makes mistakes. Jess says sure, Mort doesn’t even know for sure that there is a gambling casino in the Timber Lane!

Ouch, that was a bit harsh.

Jess decides to take matters into her own hands and enlists Seth as a sidekick. They head down to the Timberlane that night and watch a steady stream of punters head up the stairs. Jess tells Seth to keep an eye out and follows one group up the stairs. They enter the banquet hall and Jess sweet talks her way past the guard. She bumps into Lou Karamedis who says all she had to do was ask, and offers her champagne in his office.

JB has no time for your bullshit Ben Thorne

While Seth continues on his chowder downstairs, Lou and JB drink to her new novel, which she explains is about a hapless small-town accountant that gets caught up in illicit gambling, a local deputy gets shot and the casino owner is suspected. Lou thinks the casino owner wouldn’t bother, it would be easier to just pack up and leave town rather than get caught up in local shenanigans. Jess casually mentions that the local deputy is being paid by the casino owner to tip him off to any raids. Lou gets more and more creepy til a phone call from Seth, in which Seth announces he has Mort on the other line and Jess needs to be back in the dining room in one minute.

Down at the Sheriff’s office, Jess and Seth ask Andy about whether it was possible Ethan was on Lou’s payroll and he tells them about the weird phone call the night of the last raid. Mort wanders in with Sam and announces Sam is under arrest for the murder of Ethan. Mort tells them that Ethan remembered seeing Sam with a shotgun the night they arrested Chad, and when Mort went to investigate the gun looked like it could have been the one that killed Ethan, though he couldn’t be certain. Sam admits he hated Ethan but it wasn’t about him not having enough money to marry Candace, which is apparently what Ethan claimed. Sam admits to his gambling addiction and tells them about seeing Ethan at the casino with his free drink being happy as. Mort loses it but Andy tells him that Ethan was bent. Mort then loses it at Andy but Jess explains he only just worked it out.

Mort doesn’t care.  Sam was in the office when Mort told Ethan to pick up his car, he knew where to be to shoot Ethan. Jess tells him anyone with a police scanner could have heard it but Mort is not backing down. When Jess tells him Lou Karamedis has a police scanner he asks her if he has an over and under shotgun too?

This gives Jess an idea, and she tells Andy she needs to speak to Chad.

PLOT TWIST.

I really did not see this coming.

Ah yes. Irene’s classical music concerts were right next to the police band on the radio, so she heard where Ethan would be. Her husband had an old over-under shotgun, so she thought she’d eliminate Ethan’s rival for Candace. I told you Irene wasn’t okay.

Before we all get too depressed, let us leave with the good news that Sam is going to Gamblers Anonymous, Laura is taking care of him (after being the one calling the tips in to Mort) and the tie she donated to the rummage sale has been bought – as a present to Sam from Candace.

Hooray for the Cove!

Later gang!

S09E22 – Love’s Deadly Desire

1 Comment

With a title like that, you know there’s going to be DRAMAH OH SAH DRAMAH.

It’s a dark and stormy night (obviously) JB is back in the Cove (Huzzah!) where fellow author and occasional Cabot Cove visitor Sibella Stone is reading from her latest book while smugglers are smuggling because that is literally what coves are for (see also, every Famous Five book ever).

I think JB is just about done with everything.

Sibella’s husband Derek Hartman turns up late and full of apology to pick up his wife and her assistant, Marian King. Derek has just secured a hot new manuscript from some random housewife in Oklahoma. Sibella insists JB pop round for a cup of tea and to check out ye olde journals Sibella found in the house she’s renting.

After they leave, Jessica finds Sibella’s purse and runs out to return it, only to find Marian and Derek having a pash on at the car.

Inconspicuous A F.

The next day Seth is barrelling down the main street of Cabot Cove when he crashes into Colin Burnham and Valerie Hartman. Colin is a dick and Valerie isn’t that much better to be honest, which of course gets Seth’s back up (although he did just also drop his dry cleaning in a puddle).

Angry Seth is Angry.

Valerie tells Seth to get his dry-cleaning redone and to charge it to her step-mother Sibella’s account. As she and Colin cruise off, leaving Seth huffing to himself, someone called Munro watches them leave before being summoned back inside the cafe where he works by someone called Sue. Facts.

JB takes the Fletchmobile to the lighthouse where Sibella and her crew are staying (YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT TO STAY IN A LIGHTHOUSE) and runs into handyman (and wouldn’t you know it, local smuggler) Phil Coyle, who warns JB the step is broken and also Sibella should just leave the house is falling down around them.

Jess smiles politely and flees inside to return Sibella’s purse. Far from packing to leave Sibella has decided to stay until the end of the week to finish her book, and then take a well-earned three week holiday to Montego Bay with Derek. She suggests they take the journals she found outside to peruse.

Preach.

Their reading is interrupted by Valerie storming out, furious that the INS is threatening to deport Colin for crimes against hairstyles. Sibella has a friend in Washington but she has no intention of calling him, telling Valerie if she’s thinking of doing anything more serious with that Picadilly Prima Donna (lol) they will cut her money off. Valerie storms off again and Sibella reminds Jess that she is hosting a dinner on Thursday and Jess must come.

Thursday rolls around and Marian drops some more journals off for JB to read. She is also in the market for some writing advice, she only knows JB and Sibella and Sibella seems miserable. JB tells Marian that if she wants to become a writer she just should get out there and do it.

That night, while Marian and Derek steal more kisses while no one is looking, Colin asks Sibella for help with his visa problem, only for Sibella to tell him she will only help if Colin leaves Valerie alone. Colin says nothing doing, and Sibella tells him she didn’t realise he had a choice. Outside, Sibella runs into Phil the handyman, ‘working late’. He tells her his work is never done and she sashays away down to the beach, while that Munro bloke appears out of nowhere and loiters around. JB and a very reluctant Seth, heading to the party, spotlights flashing in the harbour. Jess thinks it’s some sort of signal but before she can work out what, they stop.

Sibella heads to the boathouse, for reasons unknown, and falls through a rotten floorboard into the water. Her foot gets trapped between two rocks, and her screams for help go unheard, while the water rises. Told you! Drama! Inside, Seth makes his views on being at the party abundantly clear, while Colin does what he does best and talks about Colin. Seth mutters to JB that it’s been 40 minutes and there’s no sign of their host, when Marian appears with a note she found upstairs saying ‘Boathouse 7pm’.  Jess says that was over an hour ago, and they rush to the boathouse to find the water up to Sibella’s neck. Derek dives in and pulls her foot free, and Seth heaves her out of the water with some rope which is a fair effort really.

Sibella takes to her bed to recover, telling them that she was down at the boathouse to get some more journals she’d found for Jess to look at. They ask her about the note, and she tells them she’d left it for herself the previous night to meet with Phil Coyle to discuss the renovations.

Party over, Marian pays the caterers and has a run-in with Colin, who threatens to tell Sibella about her little something something with Derek, to which she says be my guest (not the answer he was expecting). Meanwhile, JB and Seth are heading home, Seth furious that JB had left him alone with them. She tells him she went to investigate the boathouse and not only were there no journals down there, the floorboards Sibella had fallen through had been cut, not rotten. They narrowly avoid crashing into Phil Coyle as he jets off into the night in his truck.

Later that night, a cloaked figure stands on the deck, gets clocked around the head and falls down to the beach below. The body is discovered by Munro the Random Guy while he’s out on a morning stroll, and as he explains to Mort as soon as he saw the body he ran for a phone. He doesn’t know who it is, but he’s seen that writer woman wearing a cloak like that one.  Mort freaks out and asks if he means Jessica Fletcher, but Munro says no, he thinks her last name is stone. Deputy Andy rolls the body over and EGAD YOU GUYS it’s not Sibella, it’s Marian the assistant.

Mort goes up to the lighthouse to inform everyone what’s happened, and JB pops in a short time later. She mentions the lights to Mort and Sibella mentions she’s seen them too, when she’s been walking along the bluff before bed. Mort asks if Sibella owns a grey cloack, and when she says yes asks fi Marian had one similar but Sibella says she thinks not. She’s horrified when they explain to her that this probably means that she was the intended victim, not Marian.

Down at the cafe Sue wants to know why Munro was anywhere near the beach to discover the body, and just how he is connected to the family but he’s giving away nothing.

Back at the house, JB wants answers and Mort is trying to catch up. Sibella comes clean about the note, saying that she’s been receiving death threats in the mail over several weeks, and that one was the latest. She thinks they are from her real first husband, not the fictitious count she’s been putting about.

As Jess goes to leave she runs into Derek and passes on her condolences abour Marian. Derek says she knows how to cut to the chase.

Indeed

Derek tells her the affair was only about him being in denial about his age (#cliche) while he thinks it was more serious for Marian.

Down in town Munro is on the phone telling someone it wasn’t supposed to include murder, while Valerie begs her father to help stop Colin’s deportation, whilst at the same time wishing it had been Sibella who got whacked, not Marian. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Mort has taken it upon himself to arrest Phil Coyle, rather aggressively.

Coyle, it turns out, has been smuggling ivory from Canada which seems both elaborate and specific. Mort throws him under arrest and thinks its a matter of time before he adds murder to the list of charges.

Down at the cafe Mort brags about his recent victory to Seth, but is deflated when Jess pops in and tells him he’s probably wrong, definitely wrong when she sees some writing on the whiteboard.

This episode is a whole new level of ridiculous. Let me cut to the chase.

I MEAN COME ON NOW.

To cut an incredibly long story short, Sibella was nailing Munro and instead of divorcing Derek for cheating on her she decided to bump Marian off, and was going to bump off Derek but she got busted. Also JB worked it out because Munro was the writer of the notes and he spells mince MINZE and also Marian was the hot new author Derek signed and for the life of me I have no idea what’s going on, how did Mort know Phil was smuggling?

I don’t. I just don’t. So let us leave Season 9 with Seth dropping an allegedly funny line about Munro needing spelling lessons and go google lighthouses to stay at.

Later Fletcherfans!