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S09E07 – Sugar and Spice, Malice and Vice

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High up in an office tower in San Francisco, banker Paul Marlowe is wrapping things up for the night while his assistant Laura throws sass around. He suggests a drink, but Laura reminds him he is meeting his fiance Andrea. Laura’s more interested in hearing more about the merger but all Paul will say is he has insurance, and tucks a floppy disk into his jacket pocket. Laura heads off just as the bank’s boss Adam Quatrain sticks his head in. Paul tells him he is just leaving, and they get into the elevator discussing the merger with the Hong Kong bank.

Shady business dealings with foreign countries? That sounds like a job for the world’s second-greatest super spy.

Oh yep. I still got it.

Alas for the world’s second greatest super spy he is interrupted by the security guard and has to leave before getting whatever it was he was looking for.

Meanwhile Our Heroine has just arrived in town for a book convention but when she tries to check in to the hotel she is informed that Mr Smyth has taken care of everything. She goes up to her room which just so happens to be on the same floor as Paul Marlowe, and she passes Paul’s fiance Andrea in the corridor. (Andrea is being played by Ivy Crane from Passions. Man, that was a show).

Inside her hotel room JB notices a big bouquet of roses, with a card that only has a phone number on it. Of course she dials it – it’s Michael Hegarty with a warning. There’s a dangerous man in her suite.

Jessica DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS

Jess tells him that she wants no part of whatever shenanigans he’s caught up in this time, but Hegarty tells her that he is here on leave and wants to take her out for lunch in an hour, that’s all.

LIES! DAMNABLE LIES!

Meanwhile, Paul is meeting with Luc Lee (aka Joseph Yoshinobu Takagi from Die Hard) to celebrate the final stages of the merger and to suggest Lee give Paul five million dollars as payment for his services and for keeping his mouth shut about the sketchier sides of the Hong Kong bank’s business dealings. To prove just how much of a team player he is, he shows Lee a video of Hegarty breaking into his office and suggests that some of Lee’s associates might be able to do damage control.

Down by the bay Michael and JB are strolling towards their restaurant when a dark car pulls up. Someone winds down a window and starts firing. Hegarty pulls JB and a nearby flower seller to the ground and the car speeds away.

“On second thoughts there’s a perfectly lovely restaurant at the hotel,” says Michael.

They return to the hotel, and happen to queue to be seated behind Paul and Andrea, who are about to dine with Adam Quatrain and his wife Cynthia. Andrea sees them and demands to know if Hegarty is following her. He tells her they need to talk but she says they have nothing to talk about, he needs to stay out of her life.

Michael decides he’s no longer hungry and Jess tells him not to be ridiculous, letting an old flame ruin his appetite. Michael tells her she’s not an old flame, she’s his daughter.

Up in the hotel suite Michael comes clean – his marriage never lasted and he was never much of a father. But his ex-wife died the previous year, and he heard Andrea was engaged so he did some digging and found out that Paul was involved with the merger with the Hong Kong bank he got worried. The Hong Kong bank is controlled by Middle Eastern arms dealers and Colombian drug lords, there’s no way Paul’s not guilty as. Long story short could Jessica talk to Andrea woman to woman?

Jess is sitting this one out.

Jess says she’s not cleaning up a mess Michael made years ago. Michael says if she won’t help him, maybe he will just have to kill Paul.

Guys I think I know where this is heading

Luc Lee, nose still out of joint after Paul’s demand for money, goes to see Adam Quatrain and his business associate Brad Filmore to inform them of Paul’s demands. He’s also unhappy to learn that Paul’s future father in law is a British intelligence agent. All this is news to Adam and Brad, who assure Lee that the deal is done. Brad shows Lee out, and Adam’s wife Cynthia pops her head in to tell Adam he’s an idiot for letting Paul into the bank.

The man himself is having coffee in the hotel restaurant with Andrea, giving her pearls as an engagement present and discussing plans. Hegarty spots them and quickly suggests a drink to Jessica, who thinks it’s a bit early for a cocktail. He switches it to coffee and sits down. Jessica sees through the subterfuge though and tells him he’s being compulsive.

Paul gets a phone call and excuses himself, telling Andrea to put the pearls in the vault for safe keeping. Hegarty follows him, despite Jessica’s protests. He tails him down into the basement of the hotel, but gets a whack on the head for his efforts.  He wakes a short time later to find Paul dead from a gunshot wound, Michael’s gun on the ground next to him. Before Michael can grab it and make a getaway hotel security arrive, closely followed by SFPD’s finest, Pat Hogan. Charlie the security guy tells Hogan that he got a call from a hotel staff member saying she heard gunshots , went to investigate and found Michael leaning over Paul’s body. They cuff him and take him away, past a weeping Andrea who demands to know how her father could do such a thing. Michael swears he didn’t. JB just looks unamused.

Jess goes down to the precinct to see Michael who is sticking to his didn’t do it story, but is more interested in making Jess convince Andrea that he didn’t do it.  She does her best, and asks Andrea if she can think of anyone else who might want to hurt Paul. She says no, Paul was about to get a big promotion at the bank, it was all good.

They return to the hotel where they bump into Laura, Paul’s personal assistant. She is super down about the whole murder thing, but has been sent by Adam Quatrain to find some missing papers that might be in Paul’s briefcase. They go up to Andrea’s room to find it trashed – someone was looking for something. Hotel security arrive, but since nothing appears to have been stolen there’s not a lot that they or the police can do. JB is suspicious of this. Laura excuses herself and returns to the bank. The security guy tells Andrea they will move her to another room but Jessica says not to bother, Andrea will stay with her.

Jess heads down to the precinct, where Adam Quatrain and Brad Fillmore are demanding justice for their colleague/sussing out just what the police know. They excuse themselves when JB arrives, JB telling Adam on his way out that they couldn’t find the papers Laura had been sent to find. Adam doesn’t seem to know anything about it and bids them a farewell.

Jessica tells Pat Hogan about the room being searched, which is the first he’s heard of it. Turns out Paul’s house had also been searched, but with apparently nothing taken. Presumably it was something to do with the merger, but Hogan says no. He shows her the video that Adam and Brad just dropped in, of Michael breaking into Paul’s office. Jess tells Hogan about the international conspiracy but suggests he hear it from Michael. Michael tells the tale, but as he has no proof there’s not a lot they can do. He freaks out when he hears they went after Andrea but JB assures him that she is taking care of her. Michael wants out of prison, but there’s nothing he can do until a bail hearing which Jess’s lawyer is trying to arrange for a few days time. On his way back to his cell Michael manages to knock out his guard, pinches his gun and legs it out of the fire escape.

Jess and Andrea return to their hotel room to find Luc Lee chilling out waiting for them. He tells them he is looking for a computer disk that Paul had, and is willing to pay 2 million dollars to procure it. Andrea and Jessica tell him they know nothing, and he’s not buying it but then Michael bursts in gun drawn to save the day. Lee departs, followed a short time later by Michael. He has a theory that Paul was holding something over Luc Lee and he’s determined to find out what.

Michael goes to see Adam at his house, but he knows nothing about what Paul was up to. Cynthia swears he was with her at the time of the murder, which Adam points out is a lie (after Hegarty is gone of course).  Michael then meets up with Jess and Andrea again – he’s convinced Lee organised the breakins but he has no idea where the missing information is. Jess asks Andrea what exactly happened when Paul got the call – she tells her that the bartender brought the phone over to Paul, who sounded like he was talking to someone that he knew, and then told Andrea to put the pearls in the safe before he left.

Honestly, why does Hegarty even pretend to know what he is doing?

Back at the hotel Jess and Andrea pick up the pearls. Jess asks the head of security who called in the tip about the gunshot but he hasn’t found out who. It was definitely a woman, possibly one of the kitchen staff because who else would be hanging around down there?

She really is (although I worked this one out some time ago. Let’s just say I learned from the best)

Up in the suite Andrea puts in a phone call to someone to tell them she has found what they were looking for. Michael doesn’t like it, the plan is too risky but Jessica tells him he will just have to butt out and leave it to the professionals them.

A short time later, the killer arrives.

Surprise! Nah just kidding.

Laura, who had created the file that Paul was using as an insurance policy, decided to cash in on the information before Paul could.

You guys! This is Michael Hegarty’s last episode (and coincidentally the episode in which I found out I’ve been spelling his name wrong the whole time!)  So instead of some freeze frame love this week I think we should look back on that time JB pretended to be a rich widow on the prowl in Jamaica, the place where it all began.

Until next week, Fletcherfans.

 

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S08E10 – The List of Yuri Lementov

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Happy New Year Fletcherfans! I hope you had a lovely time over the festive season and ate/drank/slept a lot, as was appropriate.

Wouldn’t you know it – we’re in Washington DC this week! (#timing.) Soviet trade delegate/spy Yuri Lementov is retiring and heading back to Russia, and feeling a bit bummed out out about it, but has been invited to a trade reception that evening as a last hurrah. Jess is in town to catch up with a friend, Congressman Arthur Prouty, who wants to show her a book he’s written about fly fishing (not quite Dreams From My Father, really) in exchange for an advance copy of her new book. He’s forgotten to bring it though, and instead tells Jess to come to a certain trade reception that’s being held in her hotel that evening. Their discussion is cut short by the sudden arrival of Constantin Kesmek, furious at an article in the paper announcing something that means that his missile shipment can’t leave New York harbour. Arthur’s chief-of-staff, Harry Neville, arrives to tell Constantin he has an urgent phone call from Charles Standish, who is freaking out about the missile deal going south but Constantin tells him that if he starts taking risks now, Charles will lose the deposit on his horse farm, and his woman in Georgetown.

Constantin’s next call is to the aforementioned Yuri Lementov, to advise him he has the “materials” he requested and that he will meet him tonight. Yuri tells him that there might be a problem, but Constantin just says they will be inconsequential in comparison to the problems he will have if he violates the arrangement. Yuri hangs up, and retrieves a piece of paper written in code, looking worried.

Such spy shenanigans can only mean one thing.

Which is coincidentally how I sing the James Bond theme music.

Which is coincidentally how I sing the James Bond theme music.

Michael isn’t best pleased with Yuri’s retirement plan, but Yuri tells him his apartment in Kiev is tiny, and his pension even tinier. He has no money from his years of spying and so is doing this one last thing before he gets out of the game for good. Yuri is offering his merchandise to Michael, on account of their long history as Cold War foes, and that time Michael saved his life. (Merchandise is clearly code for something but I don’t know what). Michael tells him that he’s having trouble getting those twits at Whitehall (tee-hee) to play along, and he needs 24 hours, but Yuri says he’s closing the deal that night and getting on a plane at 8 o’clock the next morning. Michael threatens to shoot him, and says if the merchandise is damaged in any way, he’ll kill him and Yuri simply tells him death is probably better than his apartment in Kiev.

The reception kicks off that evening, with Arthur giving Jess a copy of his book and with Constantin having a run-in with Charles, who isn’t terribly pleased with the news that Constantin had a bust-up with Arthur that morning. He tells Constantin if he goes through with the Yuri Lementov deal, he can find himself a new lawyer. Meanwhile, Harry is hitting on a woman called Bonnie, who is giving him nothing so he accuses her of having an old man fetish.

“And thank God she does,” says her date, Sir Michael Preston.

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**Actual quote. Hegarty burn!

**Actual quote. Hegarty burn!

And then…

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You can't prove Michael Hegarty's inner voice ISN'T Scooby Doo.

You can’t prove Michael Hegarty’s inner voice ISN’T Scooby Doo.

Just as Michael spots JB, Constantin spots Yuri and signals that he wants a word. At the last second, Yuri slips his coded message into Arthur’s fly-fishing book and quickly excuses himself. Michael bounds over, Bonnie in tow, and quickly introduces himself to JB as Sir Michael Preston before she can out him.

Poor Jess, she was just here to get a book (and drink the bar tab, presumably)

Poor Jess, she was just here to get a book (and drink the bar tab, presumably)

Michael promises he will explain later, but Jess says this isn’t going to be like San Francisco or Athens. Michael scurries off to block Constantin from reaching Yuri, leaving Jess standing alone.

Some things are too perfect to draw on.

Some things are too perfect to draw on. 

Arthur wonders what it was all about, and Jess says “You have no idea how much I don’t want to know.”

After the reception, Arthur walks JB back to her room and promises to pick her up at 7:30am for breakfast. He’s still struggling to remember where he’s seen Michael before, but Jess tells him on the few times she’s met Michael he’s been rather secretive on the subject of what he does for a living. Hashtag not a lie.

Jess goes into her hotel room to find Michael relaxing on the couch, assuming that Jess is hanging out with Arthur to cure a bout of insomnia. Jess tells him there is nothing romantic about her relationship with Arthur, which doesn’t mean he’s not very attractive, literate, charming, principled…”

“And boring” Declares Hegarty.

To be fair though, literate? That's a low bar. I hope she means "can spend a whole weekend on the couch reading and not talking" because that sounds amazing.

To be fair though, literate? That’s a low bar. I hope she means “can spend a whole weekend on the couch reading and not talking” because that sounds amazing.

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Phallic statue is phallic.

Phallic statue is phallic.

Michael assures her there’s nothing going on between him and Bonnie, she was just his ticket into the reception but JB doesn’t care. She wants answers. NOW.

Michael answers with a question – “Where’s the book?”

The book, is of course still downstairs, where a helpful waiter has just returned it to Arthur, under the watchful eye of Charles and Constantin.  Arthur in turn takes it up to Jessica, but when he sees Michael leaving her hotel room he hides in a potplant until he departs. After Michael goes down in the lift, Arthur knocks on her door and hands her the book, saying that her relationship with “Michael Preston” was none of his business, but he wanted to make sure she was alright.

“Fine thanks bye!” Says Jess, snatching the book and slamming the door. She pulls the coded paper out and looks at it.

In the early hours of the morning, Yuri breaks into her hotel room, looking for the book. He spots a bunch of copies of JB’s new book, but then gets clocked on the head by a masked man who snatches a copy of JB’s book and legs it out of the room. JB awakens at the kerfuffle and comes rushing in to find Yuri lying dead on the floor. The police arrive with the sun, and Lieutenant Blaisdell, slightly crazed member of Washington DC Police,  who wants to take everyone in for questioning but realises noone will talk to him. Jessica is about to tell him about the piece of paper when Hegarty shows up, trying to ask her where the book is. Blaisdell is about to lose his mind and when Hegarty won’t answer his questions Blaisdell demands he be arrested. In response, Hegarty punches him in the stomach and jumps out the window.

Man this episode is DELIVERING on JB reactions and I love it.

Man this episode is DELIVERING on JB reactions and I love it.

Blaisdell loses his mind and orders JB to the police station, where she still refuses to name Hegarty, even when lab results show her and his fingerprints were on the phallic statue murder weapon. It’s only when Sergei Onyegin from the embassy arrives to demand justice for his countryman, murdered by a British agent, that Jessica reveals Hegarty’s name. She also points out Yuri was KGB, to which Sergei says “Yuri Lementov was no longer KGB, not that he was saying he ever was.”

Blaisdell evidently gives up on JB and lets her and Arthur leave. Harry Neville picks them up from the police station and takes Jess back to her hotel, where he compliments her on her new book. They spot Bonnie getting into a car and driving away. Arthur offers Jess his spare room but she’s happy to stay at the hotel, and rest up.

Alas JB isn’t quite done yet – inside the hotel she is accosted by Charles Standish (Benjamin Horne from Twin Peaks and OMG YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW EXCITED I AM FOR NEW TWIN PEAKS FOR REAL I CAN’T EVEN) who offers to buy Yuri’s list from her. She asks him if he killed Yuri and he says no, to which she asks him how he knows the killer didn’t take the list. He tells her the marketplace suggests no one has come forward with an offer yet.

“And how much are you willing to pay for this list?” Asks JB.

Charles tells her she’s clearly equally as good at business as she is at writing but JB don’t care.

All I want is for someone to steal a painting in one episode so I shout BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONET #lifegoals

All I want is for someone to steal a painting in one episode so I shout BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONET #lifegoals

JB tells him she’ll think about it, and departs. Charles spots Constantin across the lobby, hiding in a potplant.

Upstairs, Michael is waiting. Her room has clearly been searched and he is worried about the list but JB assures him it’s safe. Michael also wants to tell her that she needs to beware of Arthur – “on the surface he’s all tea party etiquette, but dull enough to put a shark to sleep, and underneath he’s oilier than Saddam Hussein’s hair”.

Crying. What were the odds of this happening today of all days. Thank you universe.

Crying. What were the odds of this happening today of all days. Thank you universe.

Michael asks her for the list again, but JB puts her foot down. She swore she wasn’t going to get dragged into his shenanigans again, but this time it would be different. She wanted the truth.  He comes clean – the list is 5 MI6 operatives who are in deep cover in Libya that they can’t get to to warn. Yuri came across the list and saw it as a retirement plan. According to Yuri there was only one copy of the list but there was no way to be certain. There was a mission underway to get the operatives out of Libya but they need to protect the list until that could happen.

Blaisdell bursts in to arrest Hegarty for All The Things. He considers arresting JB for harbouring a fugitive but she tells him he has the wrong guy, the  killer was the one who searched the rooms and not for nothing but Bonnie and Charles Standish were both in the hotel right before she came upstairs. Hegarty is taken away in handcuffs, but Blaisdell relents and orders a fingerprint team to come check her room. Back at the precinct it is revealed Bonnie’s fingerprints were all over the room, but Blaisdell chalks it up to Bonnie being Hegarty’s date at the reception. Jess tells him she can prove who the real killer is, but he just tells her to have a nice day.

Undeterred, Jess sets her trap in action. She calls Arthur to confirm a couple of details, arranges for a delivery to go to his office at the end of the day, and then waits for the killer to knock on her door.

Ta-dah!

Ta-dah!

After Jess verified that Harry couldn’t have read Arthur’s copy of her new book, she knew Harry had taken an advance copy of her book from her room. Turns out Harry had been taping Arthur’s conversations and selling the information to the highest bidder.

Before I go, here’s a message not from the Queen, but from a Princess. Today of all days, I think it’s worth remembering. I don’t know who made it, but it’s perfect.

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(This was JB's reaction to Hegarty finding out Bonnie was a US spy. This episode was what the doctor ordered).

(This was JB’s reaction to Hegarty finding out Bonnie was a US spy. This episode was what the doctor ordered).

S06E22 – The Sicilian Encounter

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It’s the season six finale Fletcherfans! Who thought we’d ever get here? (I was starting to wonder)

It appears this week we have been house-sitting for JB while she’s been in NYC doing her boss author bit.

It's been a long week.

It’s been a long week.

As JB goes through her mail for the week, she finds a letter postmarked Paris. It would appear her old pal Michael Hegarty has gotten himself into a spot of bother. Again.

Bookend time!

Welcome to Sicily, home of many Italian cliches and in this particular instance soon-to-be-married Claudia Carboni and Peter Baines are enjoying a bit of lunch while Peter is anticipating his siesta quite a lot.

There is a reason he looks familiar. More on that later.

There is a reason he looks familiar. More on that later.

Claudia is having no part of it. Her late first husband’s family will have no shame brought upon it and have sent a chaperone to keep an eye on proceedings. Peter is less than thrilled, but he only has to wait one more week until the wedding and then they can be on their way. Peter is eager to learn more about Claudia’s late husband’s business but she tells him all she knows is that he dealt mostly in cash. Peter is also curious to learn how her first husband died.

“Suddenly.” Says Claudia.

Why yes I did write that in Scooby Doo's voice, and thank you for noticing!

Why yes I did write that in Scooby Doo’s voice, and thank you for noticing!

After lunch they stroll around the park and discuss the Completely Miraculous Coincidence that led to their meeting, which turns out to have happened when Peter begged to switch seats on a flight from Boston. While they stroll, they progress is followed by a man watching from a nearby apartment.

Peter is overcome again but Claudia reminds him that the wedding is only a week away and that until she’s legally married to him – in a church, with a priest – that she’s still technically a threat to the family and so they need to behave. Their chauffeur/chaperone honks for them to hurry up.

As they depart, the watching man makes a note in his notebook. The door behind him opens and an extra from The Sopranos walks in. The watching man tells the extra that he’s got the wrong TV show room, but the other man pulls a knife. It would appear he has exactly the right room.

A short time later everyone’s favourite not-quite-Bond arrives and asks an onlooker what happened. She tells Hegarty that an English tourist cut his throat shaving – and that noone saw nothin.

Hegarty phones home to tell them that the plan has gone belly-up and that his business associate “caught a cold”, but his boss tells him his mission is ago. A package needs to be delivered to London and Hegarty has to make sure that it does. At this point I couldn’t tell you what is or isn’t code, but Michael has a picture of Claudia Carboni so she is the package or has the package or likes a good package if you know what I mean.

His boss hangs up, leaving Michael unexpectedly listening to Downtown by Macklemore.

#you'rewelcome

Why did I decide on Downtown? Because my Mum keeps calling Downton Abbey Downtown Abbey and my mind is a dangerous and confusing place.

Back at the villa, Peter is getting fitted for a suit or six, much to Claudia’s surprise/mild irritation. After the tailor and the maid depart, Peter tries it on again but this time they are thwarted by the sudden entrance of the guy who killed Hegarty’s associate just before. Peter tries to cover up his leching by telling the man Claudia rolled her ankle.

I wish I could pull this face. Well I can. I wish that it worked though.

I wish I could pull this face. Well I can. I wish that it worked though.

Claudia asks him what he wants (it turns out his name is Mario, obviously), and it turns out that her priest has arrived from Boston.

This can only go well.

This can only go well.

Hegarty introduces himself as Monseigneur O’Shaunessy, and tells Claudia that he’s been sent to represent the Boston chuch on behalf of her priest back home, who has come down with a cold. Father O’Shaunessy, it turns out, knew Claudia’s late husband from way back and wonders if her future husband is from the same parish. She tells him no, he’s from England and calls for Peter to join them.

DRAMATIC HEGARTY IS DRAMATIC.

DRAMATIC HEGARTY IS DRAMATIC.

Now here’s the thing guys. Hegarty recognises Peter Baines, and says he knew a man named Harold Baines which turns out to have been Peter’s brother.

Harold Baines was the spy who killed back in episode one of this season.

THIS WHOLE SEASON JUST GOT BOOKENDED.

(My reaction, after working this out, can be seen here. In this gif the role of me will be played by Orson Welles).

But wait, there’s more news – Claudia’s brother-in-law Gino is flying in to attend the wedding. Claudia seems less than enthused about this, but when asked O’Shaunessy says he knows Gino Carboni, he is terrible at golf.

Brushing off this sudden shock of seeing his former friend’s brother, (who amazing looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS FRIEND), Hegarty announces that he promised Father Flynn that he would hear Claudia’s confession as soon as he arrived in Sicily, and whisks her out into the garden. As they walk, Hegarty makes discrete enquiries about Peter Baines, and her relationship with her dead husband’s family but she assures him she don’t know nothing about nothing (paraphrasing). She is looking forward to the week’s vacation in Switzerland she’s going on with Peter after the wedding.

Hegarty next visits Peter Baines, who is busy scoping himself out in his new suits. Petper is curious to know how Father O’Shaunessy knew Harold but “Father O’Shaunessy” can’t remember the exact details just now. Likewise, Father O’Shaunessy is eager to learn more about Peter, but it is soon apparent that Peter is a bit of a ladies man, and presumably not after The Package.

(God. This is starting to remind me of the time my friend Rachel and I watched all of R Kelly’s ‘ Trapped In The Closet’ in one sitting. We were (and still are) very confused about that Package too).

 

Anyway.

Gino arrives, and is greeted with the proper Italian kissing and so forth. Inside, Claudia is summoned to greet her soon-to-be-former brother-in-law but declares him to be a fake while Gino declares Claudia is not his brother’s late wife. The stalemate persists until Father O’Shaunessy appears and declares that he’s met Gino Carboni and that this man, while having a seemingly legit passport, is no Gino Carboni. A gaggle of Sopranos carry the supposed Carboni away, leaving Hegarty and Claudia to size each other up.

Well this seems odd.

Well this seems odd.

Later that night, Peter Baines is out having a cigarette on the terrace when he sees Gino Carboni being escorted off the premises whilst being stabbed by Carboni henchmen.

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This is my face when I realise it's Monday morning and I have to go to work

This seems like a fairly open and shut case, now that I think about it.

Peter rushes inside to tell Claudia the news. He’s frantic, but Claudia manages to calm him down.

EVERYTHING IS HASHTAGS

EVERYTHING IS HASHTAGS MY BRAIN HAS STOPPED

Claudia reassures her future husband that as soon as they’re married and have been to Switzerland to empty the safety deposit box they will never have to go back to Italy if they don’t feel like it.

Turns out the plants have ears. Or something.

I'll be honest, I just got home from my 3rd watching of Deadpool in a week, I don't know what life is anymore.

I’ll be honest, I just got home from my 3rd watching of Deadpool in a week, I don’t know what life is anymore.

On the other end of the bugline are the Carboni’s, who are most interested to learn that the safety deposit box is in Switzerland. Mario decides he will be the one to travel there, retrieve the boxes contents, eliminate Claudia and return to Sicily but his colleagues have been talking and they’re coming too.

Later, Mario finds Peter trying to calm himself with a fortifying brandy or twelve. He offers Peter a Cuban cigar and a cautionary tale about a man who ran away with Mario’s sister to Rome. “My poor sister.” Says Mario. “She becomes a widow before she’s even married.”

More brandy required.

More brandy required.

Down at the church the next day Claudia is getting a little fed up with her constant supervision by the Carboni family, but surprisingly Peter has gone cold on the idea. It’s only when O’Shaunessy offers to marry them on the spot that Peter brightens up. They go into the church, Hegarty improvises a vaguely accurate wedding ceremony and Peter seals the deal by kissing his bride. This rouses some suspicion with the chaperones looking on but Hegarty assures them that it’s practice. He tells Peter and Claudia to go and wait at the car, and once they go knocks out the two Sopranos extras and legs it, shouting a thankyou to the actual priest for letting him borrow the hall for a bit.

A chase ensues, with one of the goons hijacking a convertible and following Hegarty, Peter and Claudia to the local airfield. Thanks to some ace driving from Peter, who can also conveniently fly a plane, they escape the goons clutches and fly to Geneva.

This is all terribly factual. I do apologise.

On arrival at their hotel suite in Geneva, Peter promptly orders the hotel’s finest beluga caviar and champagne – “two glasses”, he adds.

His Holiness is not amused.

His Holiness is not amused.

Despite Peter’s attempts to say goodbye to Father O’Shaunessy, Hegarty parks himself on the couch. Claudia tells Peter to go and pick up some things from the hotel store. The door closes behind him and Claudia turns to Hegarty – “Alright Father – let’s talk turkey.”

It would appear that Hegarty’s priestly disguise wasn’t entirely cunning after all and Claudia has guessed that he is her MI6 contact. Hegarty agrees, saying that he would have revealed himself earlier but his associate had his throat cut which rather put a dampener on things. Hegarty is most curious to know why Claudia has acquired Peter but she says she is in love – and then confesses she just has him around for the muscle in case her former in-laws get uppity. Hegarty is also concerned about the in-laws – apparently they too have an interest in the package, which turns out to be a little black book of Mafia contacts that Claudia has pinched. Claudia tells him she doesn’t know what’s in the book and doesn’t want to know – she just wants the money, as agreed in their deal.

Peter returns and is less than excited to see Hegarty. When Claudia excuses herself to take a bath, he sees his opportunity to rush Hegarty out the door. He has no time for Hegarty’s priest bit, he himself has impersonated a priest before, but he doesn’t want Claudia to know that. Hegarty informs him that a)she already knows  and b)Hegarty is secret service, and until the transaction he and Claudia are conducting is concluded in the morning, Peter will be sleeping on the couch.

Peter is not excited.

Heh heh heh

Heh heh heh

Later that night Mario Carbone gets a phone call…from Claudia. She’s pretending to be a bank clerk confirming the time of Claudia’s appointment the next day.

PLOT TWIST YOU GUYS.

The next morning, Claudia wakes Peter from his almost-sleep on the couch to tell him…she is attracted to him. Weird. They commence making out horrifyingly energetically and only stop with the arrival of the recently-defrocked Michael Hegarty, who announces the car is waiting and the bank opens in half an hour. Peter informs them he is coming too, which Hegarty is against until Claudia announces she would prefer to have Peter there – she’s not sure she can trust Hegarty yet.

On the drive over Claudia notices that a car is following them but keeps that information to herself, while Peter ponders how much money he’s going to get his hands on. At the bank, Hegarty tells him to wait in reception while Claudia produces the key for the box. Inside the bank vault, the extent of the money is revealed, causing Claudia to do a fairly decent Sleepless in Seattle reenactment. In her excitment she drops some money on the ground, and while Hegarty graciously picks them up Claudia swaps the little black book in the box for one in her bag. WHAT THE HELL CLAUDIA?

As they leave the bank, the Carboni gang appear, guns drawn, demanding the book. But then some more people appear with guns and arrest the Carbonis. Hegarty rushes Claudia and Peter into the car and hightails it out of there. While Peter and Claudia are distracted, Hegarty sneaks the little black book out of Claudia’s handbag.

Back at the hotel the truth is revealed – Claudia is really Jennifer Page! Jennifer is working for the CIA! Jennifer is conveniently a dead ringer for the real Claudia Carboni!

Peter doesn’t take this news at all well. And neither does Jennifer when she discovers that Hegarty has swapped the black books back and has the real one. Hegarty leaves the two of them to sort out their feelings while he calls home to tell his boss the good news.

And that, Fletcherfans, is the end of Season 6. I AM OFFICIALLY HALF WAY. OH GOD I AM ONLY HALF WAY. This was such a good idea in 2012, but then the world was meant to be ending that year so I think I figured I’d be off the hook. God damn Mayan prophecies, always letting me down.

But I am curious – now that we’re half-way, what has been your favourite episode so far? I think mine might be “If It’s Thursday It Must Be Beverley” but it’s a tough call.

Let me know your thoughts, and stay tuned for season 7 next week!

Later gang!

Later gang!

 

S06E01 – Appointment in Athens

3 Comments

Salutations Fletcherfans! Sorry for that unexpected break in transmission, but unfortunately not even JB Fletcher herself can stop Gastropocalypse 2015, which has ended just in time for Wintergeddon to begin (if you’re in the northern hemisphere I AM SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU WINTER IS STUPID).

In any case, welcome to season 6! At the end of this season we will reach the halfway mark *gulp* so to celebrate I will livetweet another one of the movies. But more on that later, because GUESS WHO’S BACK?

Yes Michael, it's called a telephone

Yes Michael, it’s called a telephone

Everyone’s favourite Not Quite James Bond, Michael Hegarty is in Paris having a crisis. One of his best agents has been taken hostage in Athens, his pal back in England still hasn’t turned up any info about it, and Michael’s fake wife Pamela has backed out of the mission to rescue, citing appendicitis. His Athens cover blown – unless he can find a fake wife in time.

Funny story though, you’ll never believe who’s checking out downstairs.

I think she's on to you Hegarty.

I think she’s on to you Hegarty.

Whatever Hegarty is working on, JB doesn’t want to know about it – she’s in the middle of a world-wide book tour and is off to Cairo. No time for your shenanigans Hegarty.

The man at reception gets a phone call and tells Jess her flight has been delayed for at least 8 hours. Never mind! Says Michael. You’re coming with me to Athens! Just get a connecting flight etc etc. Jess is not at all keen on the idea – on account of the last time she spent any time with Michael she ended up in jail on a murder charge – but ends up on a flight to Athens anyway.

At Athens Airport, Michael escorts her to the check-in counter, where YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS there is no reservation in her name and the flight is fully booked. WHAT WERE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING? When JB turns around, Michael has legged it and in his place is another English man who “recognises” JB from her book covers. Bane Harold Baines, JB’s white knight, offers to let her stay in his “company’s” 2 bedroom suite at the Hotel Grand Bretagne until she is able to get a flight to Cairo, on account of there being no other accommodation in Athens due to a trade convention. This is just a series of amazing conicidences you guys.

Down at the Hotel Grand Bretagne, the arrival of JB with her new buddy Harold has not gone unnoticed.

NOONE SAW NOTHING

NOONE SAW NOTHING

While The Mysterious Hat Man lurks in a potplant Bane Harold Baines escorts Jessica to reception and wanders off with her passport, because that’s absolutely not weird. He returns a short time later, while Jess is unpacking (WHY IS SHE UNPACKING IF SHE’S ONLY THERE ONE NIGHT THIS WHOLE UNPACKING IN HOTEL ROOMS IS DOING MY HEAD IN), and gives her her passport back. They are soon surprised by a special delivery for a Mrs Reardon. Jess tries to tell them there’s a mistake but Bane tips the bellhop and closes the door.

Something something penny dropping something.

Something something penny dropping something.

Bane comes clean and admits he’s MI6, that there was never a reservation made in her name to Cairo but that he didn’t lie about the lack of hotel rooms in Athens. He also has no idea where Michael is – some people were closing in on him at the airport when Bane went up to Jess and he hasn’t heard from him since. He begs Jess to go along with the charade and she agrees, mostly so she can kill Michael afterwards.

Meanwhile The Mystery Hat that is also known as Henryk Stuvesant has extricated himself from the shrubbery long enough to visit Mr Papadopolous to sell information regarding the current whereabouts of Mr and Mrs Reardon. Papadopoulous pays him half, and promises more money once Henryk learns more about their movements. Henryk then puts in a call to station chief Alec Scofield, to sell more information – that Mr and Mrs Reardon will be attending the home of Mr Papadopoulous that evening. Trafford agrees to payment in exchange for an invitation. He’s not best happy that Hegarty has gone rogue, and orders Bane to keep a close eye on Mr and Mrs Reardon.

Henryk is not done yet though – he pays a visit to “Mrs Reardon”, chilling out with a “cup of tea” in the hotel lobby. He tries to ascertain the time and location of the “transaction” but Mrs Reardon gives him nothing. When she turns the tables and starts asking for information about the other party involved in the transaction Henryk bails, unhappy Mrs Reardon does not trust him.

Stirred, not shaken.

Stirred, not shaken.

Jess returns to the suite to find a big bouquet of roses from Michael, and the man himself fussing with a bowtie and ordering her to hurry up and frock up, they have a party to get to. Jess is about to put her foot down when there’s a knock at the door.

It’s Pamela Reardon.

Michael Reardon’s wife.

Damn straight.

Damn straight.

After miraculously recovering from her appendicitis, which turned out to be gastritis/a failed audition, Pamela decides to sack out on the couch and rest. JB tells Michael he clearly doesn’t need her any more but he points out that Henryk and the hotel staff know her as Mrs Reardon, and it was too late now.

In the car on the way to the party, Michael explains how his colleague Laddie Fairchild (REALLY? THAT’S YOUR NAME? YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE SPIES) was running a travel agency as a front for collecting intelligence on some gun runners or some such business and was kidnapped for ransom by some garden variety kidnappers who don’t know they’ve kidnapped a MI6 agent. He met then in Paris and managed to stall them by saying his wife was the sister of Laddie Fairchild (UGH WHAT IS THAT NAME) and has the money to pay. The kidnappers gave him til 1pm the next day to find the money.

Once at the party, Michael and JB run into Alec Scofield, who has come to take an interest in Michael’s harebrained scheme. His wife, however, is mainly there to judge Alec on his poor life choices, although I think she and Laddie had a little something something going on the side. Hegarty gets him to agree to play along just as Mr Papadopolous comes up to them and says “Mr Reardon I doubt I shall ever forgive you…for not telling me how lovely your wife was.”

That is my default expression when I'm at a party

That is my default expression when I’m at a party

Papadopolous drags JB off to quiz her about her life/make out with her hands but she is eventually saved by Michael who asks if the exchange will take place tomorrow. Papadopolous tells him he has not been in contact with the kidnappers, but now that he has satisfied himself in regards to Mr and Mrs Reardon, he will tell the kidnappers that Mr and Mrs Reardon will be at a certain telephone box at 12pm tomorrow.

On their way out they spot Bane and Hegarty has a go at him for revealing the plan to Scofield. He apologises but says he didn’t reveal JB and Michael would be at the party, but if he didn’t keep Scofield at least partially informed he might be suspected of being involved. He’s got a tap on Papadopolous’s phone but hasn’t heard anything from the kidnappers yet.

Meanwhile back at the hotel Pamela Drake is dead. The police suspect robbery gone bad but JB points out that since her jewellery was fake a jewel thief would have no reason to take it. Jess also tries to point out that she’s not Mrs Reardon but is surprised to see that her passport says otherwise. Down at the MI6 office, Henryk Stuyvesant is filling Alec Scofield in on the mysterious second Mrs Reardon (for a price, obviously).

In their new suite across the hall, (hotel can’t be that booked out then) Michael has returned from a supply run and is set to call the whole thing off but JB assures him she’ll be fine. He asks her about the cablegram that reception said was given to Mrs Reardon earlier than afternoon but Jess tells him she doesn’t know anything about it. Just when they work out Pamela must have taken it (come on guys!) they get a knock on the door. It’s Bane with news – the kidnappers have set the location point for the exchange at 1pm tomorrow.

The next morning they go to the bank to withdraw the million dollar ransom, and Michael comes clean – there is no money. He whips out a newspaper and tells Jess to start crumpling.

Next stop is the phone box, where they are to receive word of the location (which they already learned thanks to Bane’s wire taps). Hegarty gets on  the phone and freaks out – the kidnappers moved the exchange up half an hour and swapped it to the Roman Market. They floor it over there but the kidnappers or Laddie Fairchild are nowhere to be found. Instead, they find Dimiti Papadopoulos who has presumably heard about the other Mrs Reardon and now wants to see the contents of the briefcase. Just when Michael is trying to find out who killed Pamela, the Greek police arrive. Sergeant Petrakas, the investigator in charge of Pamela’s murder, has a friend who’d just been to a book shop…

Petrakas takes everyone down to the police station but noone is talking, and with insufficient evidence he is forced to let Michael and JB go. Hegarty is set to roll on Laddie Fairchild’s kidnappers, but has no proof in relation to Pamela’s killer. JB has a theory about that, and so while “Mr Reardon” pays a visit to Henryk Stuvysant asking for help in getting in contact with the kidnappers, and then follows Stuvysant (with the surprising help of Sergeant Petrakas) to the kidnappers, JB sets a trap of her own. A cablegram gets sent to Michael Reardon at the Hotel Grand Bretagne, which happens to be spotted by Bane.

And the thing about that is

Let the games begin. (This episode would have been greatly improved if Bane was actually in it).

Let the games begin. (This episode would have been greatly improved if Bane was actually in it).

It turns out Bane was in league with the kidnappers because Laddie was about to get promorted, and thanks to a wildly convenient lipstick smudge on Bane’s jacket at the party Bane’s fate is sealed. Apparently Hegarty was on Bane’s tail the whole time? I find this whole episode rather suspicious to be honest.

And on that note:

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

 

 

S05E01 – J.B as in Jail Bird

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Welcome to season five Fletcherfans! Only seven more seasons to go! This must be how it feels to run a marathon :S

JB is in San Francisco this week, and whatever plans she had planned have fallen apart very quickly thanks to an old friend.

This can only mean trouble.

This can only mean trouble.

JB bumped into him leaving the airport, and gentleman that he is he offered her a lift to her hotel, Unfortunately it’s all gone a bit wrong and he’s now on the trail of some Bulgarian dude who hightails it out of a hotel room window and down the fire escape. He tries to hijack the car containing JB but as she helpfully points out that she doesn’t have the keys and she doesn’t know how to drive, shots ring out and he collapses. Jess looks up just in time to see Hegarty scarper as the police cars make an unexpectedly quick arrival leaving Jess no time to do anything but pick up the book the dead Hungarian had in his pocket.

Damn it Hegarty!

Classic Hegarty

Classic Hegarty move

While JB gets hauled off to the cop shop Hegarty is back at base listening to his boss list all the things he is going to throw at Hegarty for stuffing up the mission.

Hegarty is a bit cranky and tells his boss that he didn’t shoot the guy, it was their arch nemesis the Cobra, a deadly assassin who has evaded capture for some time. Lancaster is vaguely appeased but is still furious that Hegarty got a civilian involved. She’ll talk to the police! She’ll talk to the press! She’ll compromise everything!

Hegarty assures his boss that he has JB covered. At least, temporarily.

Down at the police station JB is trying to persuade the detectives to let her go, but they aren’t having it. They want to know her real name and nationality. When she tells them her name is Jessica Fletcher from Cabot Cove Maine they tell her the REAL Jessica Fletcher reported her bag and luggage stolen from the airport. Sergeant Nash orders her to be booked as a Jane Doe. JB tells them she was supposed to be meeting her nephew Grady who is in town on business. He’ll vouch for her.

Oh dear.

Back at base, Lancaster, Hegarty and his colleague Roger Travis assess the situation. There’s an African politician coming to give a speech at Berkeley in a few days, to publicly shame his home country. The ruling party can’t bump the guy off at home but sources indicate that the Cobra has been hired for half a million bucks to assassinate him. Lancaster says the Americans don’t believe there’s a threat so they’re on their own. Hegarty is furious, saying that if it all goes wrong the Americans don’t have to worry about the clean-up in Africa, they do. Travis says they already have a mess to clean up thanks to Hegarty’s panicky trigger finger. They nearly come to blows before Lancaster threatens to get out his axe again. They calm down, but not before Travis warns Hegarty not to say any more.

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY ME I DECLARE TODAY TO BE REX MANNING DAY

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY ME I DECLARE TODAY TO BE REX MANNING DAY

Back at the precinct JB is in a holding cell bored out of her brains when Sergeant Nash arrives with Grady. He asks Grady if this woman is his aunt and he tells the sergeant he’s never seen this woman before in his life.

Really though, what did you think was going to happen? Grady barely knows who HE is

Really though, what did you think was going to happen? Grady barely knows who HE is

Outside, Nash tells Grady that the woman pretending to be his aunt iced a Commie in an alleyway. Grady is flabbergasted – that sweet old woman? Nash shrugs and tells Grady to get his aunt to call him when she gets a chance. In his office, Nash finds a detective from Miami going through a file on his desk. Detective Santiago tells him he recognised the MO of the Bulgarian’s murder as they had something similar in Miami six months earlier and a description of the killer matched JB.

Hegarty catches up to Grady outside the police station to confirm he didn’t identify his aunt. Grady is horrified that he helped keep his aunt in jail on a murder charge but Hegarty insists it’s for her safety and explains the situation with the assassination attempt. Grady insists that he help the case (oh for crying out loud) and Hegarty tells him to go back to his hotel room and call if anyone turns up asking for Jess.

Meanwhile, Santiago and Nash continue interrogating JB, and she’s rapidly losing patience. She tells them to do a nitrate test to prove that she didn’t fire a gun, but they point out she was wearing gloves. She snaps and tells them to test the gloves then,  and Santiago asks her how come she knows so much about nitrate tests. She tells him it’s her business to know – then seeing his reaction hastens to add she’s a mystery writer. She insists on her phone call to her attorney but Nash says her attorney is already here.

Oh look, now he’s Clark Kent.

Genius.

Cunningly disguised in glasses and a thick southern accent Hegarty explains the situation to JB and says it will only be for a few more days. JB is furious, but decides to make the best of a bad situation and asks for the book she had when she was arrested (that she lifted from the dead Bulgarian) so she could “finish reading”.

Meanwhile back at his hotel, Grady finds a mysterious blonde banging on the door looking for Jess. She says she’s Glenda Morrison, the one writing a piece about JB for the Chonicle and that JB needs to get in touch, pronto. Grady alerts Hegarty who isn’t particularly concerned until Grady reports that he rang the Chronicle and they’d never heard of a Glenda Morrison. While Grady searches for the phone number to show Hegarty, a car pulls up across the street, and Hegarty spots a gun barrel sticking out of the window. He tackles Grady to the ground as shots ring out and the car screeches off. Grady is hysterical and calms down only when Hegarty tells him the bullet was probably meant for him. Hegarty tells Grady to go back to his hotel, while he baits and casts another line.

Back at the precinct Nash has a visit from Kevin Styles from the State Department, looking for a copy of the file and checking in on the investigation. He tells them that they’re reporting it to the Bulgarians as a robbery turned homicide which Santiago thinks makes no sense as there was nothing found on the ‘Jane Doe’. The Jane Doe herself is still kicking back in her cell, investigating the book when she gets a visit from Rex Manning Travis, who tells her that they know she and Hegarty were in it together and that if she comes clean they can cut her a deal. JB decides to call the guard instead and Travis (with an inexplicable Australian accent) slinks off again. JB’s next door neighbour overhears the conversation and says “Gee honey, I had you figured for shoplifting or maybe kiting cheques but murder…Jessica, I knew you had class.”

Indeed

Indeed

Meanwhile, Grady and Hegarty lure Glenda Thompson back to the hotel to find out who she really is, and are a little disappointed to discover that all she lied about was working for the Chronicle. She’s working freelance and was planning to sell the article about JB to Rolling Stone. Hegarty checks in on JB who tells him about her visitor and he correctly guesses it was Travis.  She asks what happened to the payoff money and Hegarty tells her his theory that there was never any money, as half a mill would be too bulky. Instead it would be something less obvious like a cheque or an account number, and judging on what’s happened since, the Cobra hasn’t received whatever it was. JB has had enough of Hegarty’s shenanigans and demands to be released. Back to the cell she goes. and as she’s flicking through the book again she notices the postage stamp on the postcard that was being used as a bookmark. With a smile she asks her neighbour Veronica for writing materials. She’s going to write a letter.

Across town, Grady is taking the spying business a little too seriously.

You're an idiot Grady.

You’re an idiot Grady.

The subject of Grady’s clandestine viewing is Glenda Morrison, who is covertly following Detective Santiago for reasons noone has bothered to make clear so let’s not dwell on that. Santiago goes in to Grady’s room, Glenda follows him and Grady follows Glenda. Sensing them behind him, Santiago pulls his gun. He explains he was looking for…something? Seriously though, why is he even there? They don’t know they have Jess in custody, why are they searching the room? And why hasn’t Jess told someone to go buy her book to prove who she is?

Anyway.

JB has a viist from Kevin Styles, the guy from the State Department, arrives to check on JB who tells him that her identity is easily proven if he goes to the nearest bookstore…oh there you go. Thanks MSW writers. He asks her if he can get her anything, and notices the book on her bed. He decides after close examination that he’s read that one, and leaves, but promises to return and bail her out if he can confirm her identity. Nash soon appears to tell JB’s neighbour Veronica to get ready for court. After he departs, JB asks Veronica for a favour – can she call Grady from the courthouse and pass a message on?

Back at their top secret base, Travis tells Lancaster of his suspicions that Hegarty killed the Bulgarian. Fed up, Lancaster tells Travis to tell Hegarty he wants to speak to him but Travis tells him Hegarty has been AWOL for the last hour.

Kevin Styles returns to see JB but instead of bailing her out he demands the stamp. It turns out the stamp is worth 3 million dollars. It also turns out Kevin Styles doesn’t work for the State Department. He works for himself. In a way.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

The Cobra tells JB that he has Grady, and that if he doesn’t walk out of there with the stamp, Grady’s in trouble. JB tells him the stamp is in her shoe, and kicks it off for him. It lands at the edge of the cell, and as the Cobra bends down a hand holding a gun shoots through the bars and around his neck.

Wait, WHAT?

Wait, WHAT?

And there you have it. And I’ve watched this episode twice now and I’ve only just realised that the reason why JB asked for writing materials is because she wanted to swap out the expensive rare stamp for another one to lure the Cobra. At least, I think that’s what was happening. At this point I don’t even know.

So until next time…

Sometimes I hit pause at precisely the wrong time. This is not one of those times.

Sometimes I hit pause at precisely the wrong time. This is not one of those times.

 

 

S03E04 – One White Rose For Death

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High intrigue and shenanigans this week gang! JB has been invited to Washington to attend the farewell performance of East German violinist Greta Mueller and attend a swanky after-party with the Prime Minister of England. She’s met at the airport by Andrew Wyckham from her English publishing company, after her regular agent Geoffrey Phillips was called away at the last minute.

I knew he was Winston in The Mummy but I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS DOCTOR BOMBAY FROM BEWITCHED OMG

I knew he was Winston in The Mummy but I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS DOCTOR BOMBAY FROM BEWITCHED OMG

JB is amazed to even be invited (pish tosh) but Wyckham tells her that Greta Mueller is one of her biggest fans and couldn’t return to the dark side without meeting her hero. Nawww. (She claims to have learnt English from reading JB’s books. Believe me when I tell you this is a Scandalous Lie)

Before they can get anywhere they are met outside the terminal by the head of Greta’s security detail, Colonel Gerhardt Brunner, who these days is deep undercover on Young and the Restless.

I'm a little bit alarmed at how good I am at spotting soap stars in TV shows.

I’m a little bit alarmed at how good I am at spotting soap stars in TV shows.

He tells them that Greta is most anxious to meet her heroine (fair enough) and asks that they go straight to the concert hall where she is rehearsing and arguing with her brother. Over lunch Wyckham regales them with tales of his adventures in Africa (including the time he flew an airplane with Brendan Fraser through a cursed sandstorm and died) before they are interrupted by a journalist requesting an interview.

Hang on a minute.

It's everyone's favourite Irish spy Michael Hegarty!  You know, from that time JB was pretending to be someone else?

It’s everyone’s favourite Irish spy Michael Hegarty! You know, from that time JB was pretending to be someone else?

Before JB can give the game away Hegarty introduces himself as Dennis McElvey, a reporter from the London Evening Sentinel. Greta seems irritated at the intrusion but her brother Franz seems quite excited to have an interview arranged and so tells Hegarty to come backstage at the concert the following day.

Later that evening Hegarty pops round JB’s hotel to enlighten her – he’s on a mission from God for the SIS but he still has plenty of time to catch up. She owes him a date, so he proposes dinner at a restaurant the following evening at which he hopes they “will both be on their worst behaviour”. Ew.

Ugh, it seems our heroine is not completely perfect after all.

Ugh, it seems our heroine is not completely perfect after all.

The next night at the concert hall there’s mystery and intrigue in the air. Hegarty meets with Franz Mueller who is quickly found out to be an East German intelligence source. Hegarty tells him that there’s a problem with Mueller’s information provider, a woman named Ilsa Steiner – she’s gone missing, and is suspected of going to the East German authorities to out Franz as a spy. Later, a call to SIS HQ contains news so bad that Hegarty’s colleague Jack Kendall goes racing down to the theatre to deliver it in person. Since mobile phones have yet to be invented.

At the interval JB and Wyckham are chatting merrily in the foyer when Hegarty appears, bleeding. He orders them to leave immediately and pulls a gun when Wyckham starts whingeing. With Brunner and his minions in hot pursuit, JB and Wyckham get into the limo – but not before Wyckham and the limo driver/SIS agent exchange a Look. SUBTLE PLOT POINT!

Hegarty tells Jack to drop JB and Wickham at a cab rank but Jack informs them that Brunner is still on their tail. Hegarty tells him to drive to the embassy and phones ahead to make sure the gates are open or he’s crashing through them. First Secretary Henry Claymore (who is inexplicably Australian but pretending not to be) is not particularly excited about this, and explains that there’s barely any staff at the embassy as most are off guarding the Prime Minister after an assassination attempt had been made in Australia the week before, HEY LEAVE US OUT OF THIS!  Claymore tells his wife (played by Jenny Agutter who I know from Spooks, The Avengers and that episode of Coupling with Patrick’s love cupboard). They come out to meet the car and are amazed when Hegarty produces Greta and Franz Mueller out of the boot of the limo. I’m pretty sure this is also how Julian Assange ended up at the Ecuadorian embassy in London.

Hegarty takes charge and orders Claymore not to tell the Ambassador that the Muellers are in the building. Dr Lynch, who just so happens to be hanging out in the embassy, checks Hegarty’s bullet wound and informs him that he will be fine. Despite all of this, Hegarty won’t tell Jess what is going on. I always said that Hegarty was shifty.  JB goes for a stickybeak around the embassy and overhears Jack Kendall on the phone asking for information on Operation White Rose.

Hegarty finally comes clean after a stinging rebuke from JB and tells her the story of how Franz Mueller came to be a British informant. Until his source Ilsa Steiner is found, no one can leave the embassy. Just as he finishes his tale, Claymore appears with an update – the East German government has issued an arrest warrant for Franz Mueller. JB goes to tell Greta the news – and discovers the body of Jack Kendall lying on the ground clutching a white rose. OH THE SUBTLE PLOT POINTS DAZZLE ME WITH YOUR SUBTLETY!

Claymore regains control, orders everyone inside and gets on the phone to the guardhouse to search the grounds for intruders. Hegarty stands guard over the body and tells Jess that he was the one who recruited Jack to the service. He was perfect because he looked so much like a stuffy banker. The trick to being a spy, is to not look like a spy (Life Lesson #47). I don’t know how Hegarty thinks he doesn’t look like a spy, he’s one shady character.

Jess asks Hegarty about Operation White Rose.  White Rose, Hegarty informs JB, was an operation in Johannesburg nine years earlier in which a group of agents (including Jack Kendall) were sent to guard an anti-apartheid leader by the name of Benjamin Kombassa, who was assassinated in a public square. His killer was never apprehended. Before he can go on one of Claymore’s minions arrives to request they rejoin the group. Instead they harangue Claymore until he grants Hegarty access to the Code Room. He hopes that that will be sufficient for Ms Fletcher?

Hegarty would be still whinging if it weren't for JB. FACT.

Hegarty would be still whingeing if it weren’t for JB. FACT.

JB goes for a snoop around Doctor Ryan’s office and discovers that Jack Kendall was not only stabbed but poisoned as well, suggesting a) a professional hit and b) Jack Kendall was killed because he was recognised. Hegarty tells her  that Doctor Ryan was in Transvaal the same time as Benjamin Kombassa but since he was an anti-apartheid supporter it makes no sense that Kendall killed him. He also tells her that there is no file on Mrs Claymore. Meanwhile, Colonel Brunner gives the embassy a call and tells them that the Mueller’s parents have been taken into custody as a precaution against their treasonous son.

Leaving the group again, Our Heroine informs Hegarty that she has a fairly good idea what’s going on but needs some more information. She talks to the Claymores and hears a long-winded story about Mrs Claymore’s history that is boring and irrelevant but essentially JB realises that the Claymores and Doctor Ryan were not the killers of Benjamin Kombassa. But I think we all know who is, thanks to those SUBTLE PLOT POINTS.

Excuse me while I have heart attack and die of NOT SURPRISED

Excuse me while I have heart attack and die of NOT SURPRISED

It turns out our Mr Wyckham is a deadly assassin for hire, sent to America to kill the British Prime Minister, and used JB’s invitation to get in to the party. Unfortunately it all went a bit wrong for him with the whole East German defection business., but I guess you can’t plan for everything.

Job done, there’s still the matter of the East Germans to deal with. Greta decides to return to East Berlin and leave her brother in America, and Hegarty assures JB they will do all that they can for Greta in East Germany.

And by assures, I think you know what I mean.

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!