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S02E21 – The Perfect Foil

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After last week’s shenanigans  and mayhem you’d think Our Heroine had earned a nice little vacation. Alas, it’s not to be, as Great Aunt Mildred is concerned about Cal Fletcher, JB’s husbands second cousin twice removed on his left side (or something) and would Jess please go down to New Orleans and check on him?

Never one to turn down family (otherwise we’d never see Grady) JB jumps on a plane and heads down to Nawlins.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) someone forgot to mention a little old party called Mardi Gras. And after a cock-up with her hotel reservation sees JB homeless for the night, she decides to pay an earlier than planned visit to Cal.

After knocking at the front door, Cal’s house looks promising.

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Inside, the house is a-rockin, but with everyone in costume it’s going to make it awfully difficult to spot Cal Fletcher, on account of noone knowing what he looks like. Is he Napoleon? No.  Is he a pirate? Very much no, says the pirate, escorts the Genie of the Lamp into another room and closes the door. Is he Cardinal Richelieu? Apparently not, since the cardinal just smiles and wanders off,

A man without a costume called Gilbert informs Jess that her cousin is dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac but is hastened away by the Genie of the Lamp (I should point out that she’s more I Dream of Jeannie than Aladdin’s Genie, unfortunately). JB smacks into Lady Macbeth coming out of the room the pirate went into but she doesn’t know anything either. A little later she spots Cardinal Richelieu doing the same thing. She finally spots Cyrano in the crowd and rushes up to introduce herself but he completely blanks her, goes to the Pirate’s office and declares he’s going to kill him. The door closes and a swordfight breaks out.

I’m not gonna lie, the doorman has been the highlight of this episode so far. Anyway, a crowd gathers outside the office trying to get in to see the entertainment, but after hearing a thud JB is concerned. Gilbert appears, breaks down the door and finds the pirate (aka Johnny Blaze) dead on the floor, the world CAL written on the floor in blood. IS THIS JB’S MOST AWESOME RELATIVE EVER???

The police arrive and it’s obvious from the beginning that Lieutenant Cavette would loves JB to help him with his case, if you know what I mean. He asks her what she was doing at the party and she tells him that her cousin Cal Fletcher is the owner of the house. Except apparently it’s not a house, it’s a gambling den. While she watches the lieutenant search for clues, Gilbert sidles up to her and says that she needs to tell her cousin to get the hell out of town. Apparently his house is just across the alley. CONVENIENT.

JB goes to pay this mysterious cousin of hers a visit and finds him curled up asleep in bed. When she informs him of what’s happened he seems completely surprised.

Cal went on to direct many episodes of Home Improvement. His real name is Peter Bonerz. Why are you laughing?

Cal went on to direct many episodes of Home Improvement. His real name is Peter Bonerz. Why are you laughing?

He swears on his word as a gentleman that he didn’t know about the gamblinh and he didn’t kill Johnny Blaze.

The many faces of Calhoun Fletcher.

The many faces of Calhoun Fletcher.

The police show up and quickly find a Cyrano de Bergerac costume in Cal’s wardrobe, complete with key in pocket. Cavette orders Cal be arrested immediately. Clearly he is immune to Honest Face.

Down at the police station Cavette tells JB that Johnny Blaze was running an illegal gambling operation out of Cal’s house, and that his death was no great loss.  JB thinks that this must surely mean that there are more people than just Cal who would want Johnny Blaze dead. Cavette agrees, but points out that all the evidence implicates Cal. Plus there was that time Cal stood up in a card game and threatened to kill Johnny Blaze.

JB confronts Cal about this, and he kind of agrees that he threatened to kill Johnny Blaze, since he was cheating at  cards, but that’s it. He tells JB that he’s a naturalist…

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…he collects butterflies for museums.

Life Lesson #46 - Naturalist and nudist are two completely different things.

Life Lesson #46 – Naturalist and nudist are two completely different things.

Cal’s attorney Mitch Payne arrives to calm everyone down, and tells them that self defence is a perfectly legitimate plea. JB is outraged! But Cal wasn’t even there!

Later that night JB goes out to dinner with Lieutenant Cavette, He tries to bust some patented Cavette moves on Our Heroine but JB wants nothing to do with it. She wants more information on this shady lawyer dude. Cavette tells her that he was once in the employ of Johnny Blaze, and helped him beat a murder rap – supposedly he killed a young man over a card game but some witnesses were found to swear that Johnny Blaze wasn’t even there, 

The next morning JB pays Mr Payne a visit, and finds him consulting with Lady Macbeth from the party, also known as Rosaline Gardner, the wife of local congressman Brad Gardner. When asked, she tells JB that she must have her mistaken for somebody else. Down at the club, JB asks Gilbert and Jeannie (aka Kitty Manette) about Cal’s presence at the club the night of the murder. Kitty says he had been pretty drunk, so they got him out before Johnny Blaze could see him, but that he must have sneaked back in, JB asks about the congressman, and Kitty swears he wasn’t at the party but Gilbert thinks he saw his limo parked down the street. JB asks him if he mentioned this to Lieutenant Cavette and Gilbert tells her that he wouldn’t give him the right time of day. Turns out the guy  Johnny Blaze was accused of murdering was Cavette’s son. 

Awkward.

JB confronts Cal about his presence at the club on the night of the murder and he comes clean, but says that he left after Kitty came running up sobbing and saying “He knows!” JB asks him who else was playing cards the night Cal threatened to kill Blaze – Mitch the shady lawyer, Gilbert, Kitty and the Congressman were all there too, according to Cal. On a roll, JB confronts Cavette about the murder of his son. He tells her the story, but swears he wasn’t at the party that night. 

“Bullshit!” Says Jess (I’m paraphrasing slightly). “I saw you…Cardinal Richelieu”

(I’m starting to think everyone in the world wanted Johnny Blaze dead, including me. (For the record, I was a month off my third birthday when he was murdered, cop that for an alibi!)

Never mind all that though. Cavette tells JB to accept the fact that her cousin is guilty and JB mutters “I don’t know why you all keep saying that, he’s not my cousin, he’s Frank’s!” and then solves the case. BAM.

Remember that time Jeannie/Kitty said “HE KNOWS.” Turns out that wasn’t about Cal Fletcher at all, her boyfriend Johnny Blaze had discovered who she was cheating on him with.

Excuse me while I die of unsurprised.

Excuse me while I die of unsurprised.

And they all lived happily ever after. Well Gilbert went to jail, presumably, and Kitty was probably left broken hearted. But JB went home to Cabot Cove and Cal found a new tenant to take over the big house and turn it into a brothel. So mainly Cal wins, really.

Season 2 finale next week Fletcherfans, can you believe it? Only 10 more seasons to go! *whimpers*

Later, Fletcherfans!

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

 

S02E20 – Anyone For Menace?

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Guys, remember that time JB went to a tennis tournament and shenanigans ensued? Well, now she’s at another tennis tournament in Boston, and I don’t want to jump to conclusions or anything but Life Lesson #45 TENNIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS SPORT THERE IS.

JB is in fact the honorary chairwoman of this tournament, a gig she presumably got thanks to a former student named Carol McDermott, whom you may recognise.

Please assume that every time I write Sarah Connor, I’m doing a really crap Arnie impression while I’m doing it,.

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott is running the tournament, and opens with an exhibition game against her boss Elliott Robinson where she falls over. True story. Everyone laughs, especially her Carol’s boyfriend Brian. Or Bryan. Or Walter.

Remember that time Andy Garcia was MSW? THIS IS BETTER THAN THAT.

YES THAT IS WHO YOU THINK IT IS.

!!!

BREAKING BAD  MURDER SHE WROTE CROSSOVER SPECIAL THERE I SAID IT. You’re welcome, television.

Anyway.

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott has no time to flirt with Brian/Bryan/Walter – she’s just heard that the number one draw in the women’s field is pulling out due to a ‘pulled muscle’ and to make matters worse her boss’s daughter is after her job as compensation for Sarah Connor Carol McDermott stealing her man. And then there’s the obligatory John McEnroe standin. This week’s model is called Donny Harrigan, and he’s having a lovely tantrum whilst being beaten by Brian/Bryan/Walter.

Seriously though, LOOK AT THOSE SHORTS

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott scolds him and orders him back on the court, much to the delight of everyone except his manager. He tells Sarah Connor Carol McDermott to wise up and Our Heroine to butt out.

I wouldn't if I were you

Later that night there is a shindig at the tennis club. All the gang is there, including the women’s number 1, Cissy Barnes.

I think the screaming in women’s tennis wouldn’t bother me quite as much if they were wearing outfits like this at the same time…

Despite the fact that she looks like Miss Havisham took a lot of acid and time travelled, Cissy informs Carol and her boss Elliott that despite all the money being thrown at her (in the form of tulle, apparently) she’s decided to drop out of the tournament, and to suck it. Elliott orders Carol to retrieve Cissy’s contract but she tells him it’s at home. Brian/Bryan/Walter gallantly offers to retrieve it, collects Carol’s car keys and heads out into the night.

And then explodes.

VENGEANCE.

The five-o roll up and start interviewing anyone who had a grudge against against Brian/Bryan/Walter, namely Donny the Dummy Spitter, and his manager Mitch. JB gently points out that this is stupid, as it was Carol’s car that was bombed, so it would seem safe to assume she was the target. Duh.

JB takes Carol home and decides to stay with her for the night, like the Benevolent Queen of Awesome that she is. She asks Carol if she should call her sister Barbara and Carol flips out, saying “Just because Barbara is back doesn’t mean I want to see her.” She goes to bed, as JB fields a call from a mystery woman who hangs up as soon as she realises JB isn’t Carol.

The next morning, Carol decides to go back to work. JB is still concerned about her wellbeing though, and asks Elliott whether she should call Barbara and tell her to come and stay.

“Barbara? She died in a plane crash.” Says Elliott.

JB asks Carol about the plane crash but Carol is confused, and tells JB that Barbara is well and truly alive, and she’d seen her just the other day. Confused, she goes to see her new pals Detectives Travis and Berger for advice. Detective Travis shows her the plane crash report and gives her the last known address for Barbara McDermott – the cemetery. BAM.

Meanwhile Detective Travis, on a hunch, goes to see Barbara and gets stabbed to death by a mystery person. And by mystery person I mean this guy.

***Definitely not true

JB comes home from the cemetery and finds Carol hysterical on the floor. She tells our heroine that T-1000 Barbara killed Travis. Is it me, or is it getting a little bit Norman Bates in this episode? She takes her to the hospital and goes to see Detective Berger, in mourning for the spin-off Berger and Travis TV show that’s now been nipped in the bud. He is starting to suspect Sarah Connor Carol McDermott of pretending to be “loony tunes” so that she can claim insanity defence. Not gonna lie, that seems like a good theory at this point.

Our Heroine, however, is convinced of Carol’s innocence. She checks in with the Tulle Queen Cissy about Barbara’s whereabouts, but she says she didn’t even know Carol had a sister. JB goes to see Elliott but instead meets his daughter Doris – the one out for Carol’s job. JB asks her about Barbara and Doris tells her about the time she went to pick up some papers and heard a screaming argument between Carol and Barbara. She saw Barbara’s red hair through the window, as she smashed the place up, but she didn’t see Carol.

“You have a vivid memory for something that happened three years ago.” Says Our Heroine.

“It was 3 months ago.” Says Doris. She knows about the plane crash, but she heard Carol call the woman Barbara, so it had to be her? OR WAS IT CAROL PRETENDING TO BE HER? *cue dramatic music*

JB bumps into Elliott, and asks him about Barbara. Again. He tells her that Barbara was a messed up girl who got into trouble and Carol bailed her out. And even when she got committed to a mental hospital Carol made the long round trip to see her every week.

If that sounds like a clue YOU’D BE RIGHT. JB pays the hospital a visit and meets Rosie, a girl who grew up in outer-space who is writing a book about her life (and just so happened to have entered all the patient files into the computer, which seems a little convenient/weird). There was no patient called Barbara McDermott at the hospital. JB asks her to double check, but she says there’s no need, she had to check it twice for a guy from Boston the day before. There was definitely no patient called Barbara McDermott – but there was one named Carol McDermott.

*MOAR DRAMATIC MUSIC!*

Back at the police station, JB tells Detective Berger about her discovery. He knows all about it, and introduces JB to the source of his newly gained information – Barbara McDermott.

*ALL THE DRAMATIC MUSICS!*
*ALL THE DRAMATIC MUSICS!*

The elusive Barbara tells the detective and JB a long, barely worth it story about how her life got flipped turned upside down she had a fight with her sister, picked up a hitch hiker, had her identity stolen (by said hitch hiker who met her end the next day in the plane crash), moved to Seattle, got sober,and came back to Boston to visit her sister who couldn’t believe she was alive. She confesses to calling her the night of Brian’s death – when JB answered the phone. Remember that time that happened? Barbara didn’t realise it was JB, she thought it was Carol being “spooky.”

Detective Berger gets a call and is informed that Carol McDermott has disappeared after receiving a phone call of her own at the hospital. They go to her house and find it completely trashed, a red wig on the floor and dynamite in the kitchen. I think we’ve all had one of those parties…anyway,  the detective is convinced that Carol’s other personality has won out. JB isn’t so sure, and heads back to the tennis club. Not to confront the killer, as it turns out. To confront…her father.

Has ten lines, is the killer. Go figure.

Turned out the Crazy Daughter of Death orchestrated the whole thing – and then Daddy dearest tried to cover it up by kidnapping Carol from the hospital and trying to fake her suicide. Which failed, luckily. Two deaths in one episode  is a lot for MSW.

But lets not dwell on that. I think we should focus on the positives. Like Bryan Cranston’s tennis gear. Or the rain I’m going to bring in season 3 (seriously guys, I got the new DVD this week, there’s going to be some GOLD).

Until next time, dear reader.

Later Fletcherfans!

S02E19 – Christopher Bundy…Died on a Sunday

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Our Heroine is not having a good time, Fletcherfans. She’s just found out that the magazine about to print her first short story has been bought out by Bundy Publications, publishers of renowned skin mags such as Playgal Magazine.

I think we can all agree only one person could be responsible for such a cock-up…

Oh good, an episode of Murder, She Wrote with Grady in it! SAID NOONE EVER

Oh good, an episode of Murder, She Wrote with Grady in it! SAID NOONE EVER

When Christopher Bundy refuses to take her calls about withdrawing her short story from the magazine, she orders Grady to drive her to his estate to have it out with him in person. Proving she’s a much more magnanimous person than I, she thanks Grady for driving her and hopes it hasn’t interfered with his plans. Apparently the plans were called Cynthia and she (SHOCKINGLY) dumped him.

Alas when they arrive at Fort Bundy the Bossman, Christopher isn’t there. (And at this point I would refer you to the title of this week’s episode). A terrible misunderstanding occurs when the Bundy Butler, Everett Jensen, refers to JB as Grady’s mother, but JB handles it deftly. Grady is naturally no help, as he’s just spotted a bimbo someone has carelessly left lying around.

ARGH GRADY WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?

ARGH GRADY WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?

Sadly Grady’s perusal of his new bosses assets is shortlived, and he is rudely interrupted by a helicopter flying said new boss in for the weekend. Christopher is a man in a hurry and fobs JB off with platitudes until she says “Mr Bundy, I’m Jessica Fletcher.”

DAMN STRAIGHT

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Sir Christopher of Bundy tells JB he will be with her as soon as he can, and sends his assistant/henchman Bert Yardley to take them on a tour of the house and meet the family – his sister Rachel and niece Vanessa are playing croquet, while his nephew Antonio films them. Of course, Grady manages to ruin this too…

Sigh

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And so ends the story of Grady's life...

And so ends the story of Grady’s life…

JB finally gets to meet with El Bundy in the library with the candlestick. He offers her a seat and then apologises for the blinding sun coming through the window so profusely one can only assume this will come up later. He professes innocence about the terms of her contract but offers to put her and Grady up for the night so that they can meet with the lawyers in the morning. Sunday morning, in fact. JB is reluctant but accepts. She enjoys a good family brawl as much as the next person and it’s clear that everyone in this family is a bit nuts. The Bundy leaves her to call her friends in privacy, but not before JB notices the security camera on the wall. He tells her they’re manned 24 hours a day but are film only, no sound, and promises there aren’t any in the bedrooms. Ho ho.

(Sidenote: Am working on a device that removes all knowledge of Kardashians from my consciousness. I call this device TEQUILA)

(Sidenote: Am working on a device that removes all knowledge of Kardashians from my consciousness. I call this device TEQUILA)

Grady is naturally delighted to have a whole night to try and hit on the resident bimbo, also known as Millie although as usual he is thwarted at every attempt – first at dinner with the unexpected arrival of his old boss Chester Harrison looking for Bundy blood and then later when Millie wanders off, mid-conversation. Jess gives up and goes to the library to find a little bed time reading and runs into Chester Harrison (who is played by Robert Stack, aka the former host of America’s Most Wanted). He tells her how Bundy got his paws on Harrison’s company, and that he’s about to accept his fate. Jess suggests they turn away from the security camera in case someone is lurking who can lip read, but there’s no need. The camera picks up audio and sound. THAT BUNDY IS A LYING BASTARD.

Jess tells Chester to fight Bundy at dawn with pistols and Chester gets all excited. “You’re right! What would Hemmingway do?” (Get blind drunk and punch someone?)

The next morning JB goes on her morning run (because woe betide anyone who stops Our Heroine from going on her run) and   finds Christopher and Vanessa playing tennis. JB tells them she had a dream where Grady suddenly moved to Vladivostok forever she was being chased by a security camera. Vanessa suggests she might like to take a look at the security room as inspiration for her next book.

Jess takes her up on her suggestion and meets Pete the security guy. From his bunker they watch the butler sneak off for a mid morning whiskey, Vanessa tear the library apart in search of a book before they hear gunshots. They rush to the hallway to see Christopher Bundy collapse from a gunshot wound and fall down the stairs. Because he’s dead. And it’s Sunday. And so the prophecy came true.

The gunshot brings everyone except Chester running and Bert is quick to take charge. He sends Pete and Everett out to check the fences and the grounds and orders everyone else into the sitting room. Alibis are flung around – Antonio was playing tennis with Millicent, Rachel was in the dining room and Vanessa claims to have been outside, although JB is quick to call her on this point and Vanessa changes her story to say that she was in the library when the shot was fired. UGH THIS IS THE WORST GAME OF CLUEDO EVER I BLAME GRADY.

Meanwhile, it appears Chester has legged it. Bert pronounces him guilty but is interrupted by the unexpected arrival of the police. Unexpected, as no one called them. Detective Lieutenant Greco is on the case, and a sly nod to Everett solves the case of the Mysterious Call to the Police. ERMAGHERD THE BUTLER DID IT.  Grady attempts his own detective work and fails miserably, although Antonio accosts him in the hallway and asks Grady to show the company books to himself and to Rachel. He also shows his aunt a bowl of candy on the floor in the library as clue but JB gently tells him that she saw Vanessa knock it over while she was rummaging through the books in the library.

Truer words were never spoken.

Truer words were never spoken.

Chester reappears and begs for Jess’s help. Jess checks out the room he was sleeping in and thinks there was no way he could have known Bundy was on the stairs. Then Grady discovers another door, with the perfect view. I know, I refused to believe that Grady found something out either, but there you go.

I particularly like the part where you can't see stupid Grady's stupid face.

I particularly like the part where you can’t see stupid Grady’s stupid face.

Despite JB’s protestations that the butler had less of an alibi than Chester, Greco books him and takes him down to the precinct. Later, Grady and JB are talking over the case in the garden when they spot said butler photographing documents in the study. THE BUTLER STILL DID IT!

Nope. Because apparently the butler isn’t a butler, he is in fact an undercover agent of the IRS, investigating Christopher Bundy for shenanigans. Crossing one suspect off the list, JB sends Grady to check on Chester while she tests the strength of a few other alibis. Vanessa still swears she was outside right up until the moment her uncle was shot, and Antonio and Millie maintain they were playing tennis. (99% sure tennis is code for something else).

Rachel asks Bert to show JB into the library and orders Our Heroine off the property. Grady returns with Chester who despite being let off the hook wants to make a deal with Rachel to return to his magazine. As Our Heroine and Grady prepare to leave Jess realises she still has a Bundy book in her bag. When she returns it, she has a sparkling idea.

The killer stuffed up (no, it’s not Grady unfortunately. Remember that whole thing with the sun in the library?

Pity. She seemed to be the only relative who wasn't a complete arse.

Pity. She seemed to be the only relative who wasn’t a complete arse.

Through the cunning use of such modern technologies as a VCR, Vanessa managed to fool them all into thinking she was in the library when actually she was Wreaking Vengence for her father’s suicide caused by her bastard uncle. You know, the usual.

Another job well done for Team Fletcher. As Jensen and his team of crack IRS accountants move in to thwart Rachel Bundy’s plans to hide the money, Chester roars off into the sunset with Millie (???) and JB berates Grady for having a train wreck for a love life and a terrible choice in career moves.

All is well with the world.

Later gang!

Later gang!

S02E18 – If A Body Meet A Body

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Internet, do you ever have those days when all you want to do is finish writing something but you are CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED?

Our Heroine is having one of those days although to be fair it starts off unavoidably when she attends the funeral of her friend Henry Vernon, who passed away while on holiday in Farnsdale with his wife Connie. It’s all terribly sad and morbid (and boring, thanks to the reverend conducting the ceremony) until Henry’s mistress Phyllis storms into the service, throwing sass about and accusing Connie of murdering her husband for the insurance money. More than that, when Amos steps up to try and restore order Phyllis shoves him out of the way and accidentally tips the coffin over, depositing the corpse on the floor. The corpse, as it turns out, isn’t Henry Vernon.

Back at the Vernon residence, Connie tells Our Heroine her husband died in the night after not feeling well on their weekend away. Amos boldly asks Connie about Phyllis and she says she knew about her husband’s affair, but that he’d broken it off. She also admits that her husband had his life insurance policy changed to make her the beneficiary when he decided to wind down the partnership with his business partner Ned.

In the car, Amos comments that if Phyllis hadn’t hulked out at the funeral, Connie might be collecting a $200,000 insurance policy about now. And come to think of it, who the hell was the body in the coffin? Amos tells Our Heroine that he has called the Farnsdale funeral parlour and they aren’t missing any bodies. Maybe this mysterious John Doe was murdered?

Well, you do live in the crime capital of the universe Amos. #duh

Well, you do live in the crime capital of the universe Amos. #duh

Amos spots that look and says “As much as I appreciate all the help you’ve given me now and again, everyone in town says you solve all my cases for me!…”

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“…so if you don’t mind, I’m going to crack this one alone.”

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All lols aside though, JB has a book to write and gets down to work. Just as she types “suddenly there  was a knock at the door” a horde of marauding penguins break into her house there is a knock at the door. It’s Phyllis, looking for wisdom, advice and to beg that JB looks into the Case of the Missing Stiff. JB assures her that Amos is all over it. Phyllis doesn’t appear convinced, but is certain that Connie killed her husband.

Meanwhile, Henry’s business partner Ned has his own problems to deal with. His daughter Christy is seeing a no-good hippie berry farmer named Stu, and to make matters worse two investors from his most recent project, a medical centre, have just informed him that they want out.

But never mind all that, because JB is back in front of her typewriter. At least, until the phone rings.

I think we've all been there, amirite?

I think we’ve all been there, amirite?

Amos has just confirmed that noone in Farnsdale knows anything about a missing dead body, and that he’s going to see Doc Hazzlitt to see if he’s worked out how the mystery man died. He’d offer to bring JB along but he’s pretty sure he has this case all figured out. Unfortunately for Amos, Seth tells him that the John Doe did in fact die of a heart attack.

He goes round to inform Connie (and JB, who has apparently given up on writing today) of the news, and JB subtly suggests that the whole thing could be resolved by someone (*cough*Amos*cough*) going up to Farnsdale to suss out whether they really have lost a dead body. Connie invites them back for dinner, saying she needs the company.

Meanwhile, in someone’s back shed, the reanimated corpse of George Vernon is watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians the late news.

BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSSSS

BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSSSS

It turns out he’s not actually a member of the walking dead, but never died in the first place. A LIKELY STORY. Zombie George gets a phone call, and tells the mysterious person on the line that it’s all out of hand, and that they need to talk.

Speaking of which, back at the House of Fletcher the phone is ringing again.

Why? Because I'm weird, that's why.

Why? Because I’m weird, that’s why.

It is in fact not Khan on the phone, but Ned Flanders Olson, Zombie George’s business associate, checking to see if JB would like to increase her investment in the medical centre. His great plan to lure her in by telling her Amos has invested his life savings in the scheme backfires and JB politely tells him to bugger off.

Later than night JB takes a break from being interrupted and goes to dinner at Connie’s house. Connie talks Amos into staying on for a bit to watch a John Wayne movie but JB is a woman on a mission and decides to walk home, not before spotting the van belonging to Christie’s boyfriend Stu veering all over the road. Amos manages to sleep through most of it, but wakes up at the end. Connie asks him if he’d stop by every now and again just for company.

The next morning JB is prepared for the next person who interrupts her writing:

JB is going to a reenactment of the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones. TOPICAL CAPTION FTW!

JB is going to a reenactment of the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones. TOPICAL CAPTION FTW!

That person is Amos, who is heading up to Farnsdale to see where this mysterious dead body has come from. JB shoos him away as the phone starts ringing again. This time it’s for Amos – he’s needed at Phyllis’s house. She’s just found the recently re-deceased body of Henry Vernon.

Not even JB can stay home for this. Phyllis tells them she’d been at work all night, came home and found the corpse, covered in purple stains and dirt. JB asks Seth how long he thinks Henry’s been dead, and he estimates around twelve hours. He’d been killed by a blunt instrument such as a lead pipe in the library by Colonel Mustard. “Or a poker?” JB asks, pokingly. Amos catches on and retrieves a poker from Phyllis’s fireplace.

Oh yeah. Still got it.

Oh yeah. Still got it.

So if Henry Vernon died twelve hours ago and not three days ago in Farnsdale, then Connie Vernon has some explaining to do! And explain she does – after they picked up a hitch-hiker who conveniently had a heart attack in the backseat, her husband hatched the plot to get the insurance money and nick off to San Francisco.

Before this news has time to sink in, Amos gets a call from Ned. He has some bad news – all of the money for the medical centre investment has gone. An angry mob quickly convenes at the church and starts baying for money, blood and more beer (probably not true). Amos pleads with Our Heroine for help but JB is a Woman With A Deadline. As she explains this to Amos, the doors slam and Disco Stu The Berry Man comes storming in to announce that his truck has been stolen.

JB suspects his van of being the Method of Transportation for getting Zombie George’s body to Phyllis’s house. They go back to look for more clues and Phyllis admits she wasn’t at work for the whole time. She got a message at work to say that Henry wanted to meet her up by the lake, but when she went there, he never showed.

Amos and JB go to Seth’s office to take another look at the body of John Doe, only to discover that his body has gone missing overnight. This nearly sends poor Amos over the edge, but he gets some good news when one of his deputies pops in to tell him they’ve found Stu’s van, over by Ned’s house. Sadly it’s burnt out – and they find a burned suitcase and a charred wad of hundred dollar bills inside. There goes the retirement fund!

While Amos freaks out about his money and Stu freaks out about his van, JB spots a freshly dug hole. Amos correctly identifies it as not being a gopher hole, and some digging reveals the body of John Doe. JB then notices Ben’s Cabin in the Woods (!!!) and suspects it might be where Zombie George has been hiding out.

Naturally, she assumes correctly. Back at the Sheriffs Office with Amos and Connie, and JB has a theory. She thinks Zombie George stole Stu’s van and the body of John Doe to cover up the evidence of his insurance scam, then whomever killed Zombie George stole Stu’s van and dumped the body at Phyllis’s house to frame her. They’ll be able to prove it, JB thinks, if they find the watch face missing from Zombie George’s watch.

Except the watch face wasn’t missing from Zombie George’s watch. But of course, the killer didn’t know that for sure.

And by killer, I think you know who I mean…

Life Lesson # : Women who come storming into funerals throwing wild accusations about aren't always wrong.

Life Lesson #44 – Women who come storming into funerals throwing wild accusations about aren’t always wrong.

There you have it Fletcherfans! The crazy lady was right, all along! There’s nothing left for me to say, but…

Have a good week, Fletcherfans!

Have a good week, Fletcherfans!

 

S02E17 – One Good Bid Deserves a Murder

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High intrigue and shenanigans this week Fletcherfans! Our Heroine has been summoned to Boston at the request of her old friend Richard Bennett who needs her help. Somehow an auction house has gotten their mitts on his now deceased girlfriend Evangeline’s diary and are auctioning it off on Saturday. He gives her a cheque for a million dollars and a letter from Evangeline so she can authenticate the diary, begs her to destroy the diary once she has bought it,  and then jets off to Barcelona.

One does not simply walk into Mordor, win an auction for a salacious celebrity diary, however. There are a few people keen to stop the diary from going public, including Robert Rhine, a lawyer working on behalf of a ambassador/former love interest of Evangeline; Doctor Sylvia Dunn, Evangeline’s psychiatrist; and producer Sheila Saxon and director Saul Domino. Sheila has big plans to turn Evangeline’s diary into a movie but needs Saul’s help getting the money for it. 

Charged with her mission, JB rocks up to the Readford Auction House and is immediately accosted by its owner, William Readford (previously seen here). He’s disappointed that Richard won’t be attending his dog and pony show, but allows Jess to authenticate the diary. They are rudely interrupted by a guard frog-marching Dr Dunn into the room, after she tried to offer him five grand to steal the diary. The good doctor rants about how disgusting it is that Readford is making money from the the demise of Evangeline, but Readford reasonably points out that he is just the middle man, selling it on behalf of the owner. JB asks him just who that is, and he tells her that it’s “privileged information”.

I don't think this fool knows who he is talking to...

I don’t think this fool knows who he is talking to…

While she waits for the auction to start, JB checks out the other things up for auction. She notices an antique wardrobe but the security guard tells her it’s blue tagged, and not up for auction this week. Then she notices a chessboard which Readford offers to give her for free, but Jess won’t have it. Readford takes her money and departs, ripping the blue tag off the wardrobe as he leaves. DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THE WARDROBE IS A CLUE?

As the auction kicks off, the wardrobe comes up and the auctioneer invites all interested to come and check it out. One opens the door to see if it’s a portal to Narnia, and the corpse of Richard Bennett flops out. I guess Barcelona didn’t work out.

The 5-0 arrive to take charge of the chaos and the Lieutenant asks JB what she knows. She explains that Richard gave her the cheque to bid on the diary, and the lieutenant notes with some suspicion that the cheque is made out not to Readford’s, but to JB Fletcher.

“Well obviously I was going to countersign it over to the auction house.” Says Our Heroine.

“Yeah, sure. Obviously.” Says the lieutenant.

JB takes no crap from nobody, y'dig?

JB takes no crap from nobody, y’dig?

Before JB can give the recalcitrant policeman whatfor, Readford appears. The diary has been stolen! The lieutenant asks him when the last time he saw it was and Readford tells him it was when Jessica was looking at it. They all give JB the Eye and she says “Ummm…”

The lieutenant decides that he has more questions and escorts Our Heroine downtown for a little chat. Fortunately for JB a knight in shining armour also happens to be at the police station. (Hint: It ain’t Grady).

It's Lennie! I mean Harry McGraw! (But really, it's Lennie!)

It’s Lennie! I mean Harry McGraw! (But really, it’s Lennie!)

Harry (whose black eye is the result of an allergy) gives the Lieutenant 30 seconds to release Jessica before he Completely Hulks Out. He relents and lets Jess go. As a thank you she takes Harry to the chemist to find something for that “allergy”. She decides to stick around to see if she can still get hold of the diary and Harry tells her that she’s going to need protecting, and that “he’s the kind of guy who can give it to her.”

(That's what he said, etc)

(That’s what he said, etc)

They go back to Jess’s hotel room (meow) but discover that someone beat them to it, and has torn the place apart in search of the diary. Harry asks her if anything is missing and she thinks no…but then she conveniently suddenly remembers that old Spanish chess sets like the one she bought for Seth sometimes had a secret compartment so that they could hide valuables away from the prying eyes of the Spanish Inquisition. SERIOUSLY, WHAT WERE THE ODDS?

Jess presses down on the kings squares and a drawer shoots out, revealing Evangeline’s diary.

Booyah! (I'm not even sorry)

Booyah! (I’m not even sorry)

Jess contemplates turning it over to the police, but decides to just have a little flick through, in case of suspects. Despite Harry’s best attempts to sneak a peek JB knocks him back and sends him off to order room service. Sadly not all the tea and sandwiches in the world is enough to keep JB awake. As she sleeps, Harry can’t help himself and grabs the diary.

The next morning JB reluctantly tells Harry what she’s learned so far in the diary – Evangeline had a torrid love life (apart from the ambassador)  and was less than complementary about Dr Dunn, Sal and Sheila, not to mention a mysterious person by the name of Al.  Jess decides to see Readford and take him (and the diary) to the police station. Harry has other ideas. He takes himself off to see the lawyer who was trying to get the diary for the ambassador, and offers to sell him a photocopy of the diary for a hundred grand. 

Jess goes to see Readford, but sadly finds him lying on the floor with a dagger sticking out of his chest. Even worse, the Lieutenant wanders in at that precise moment and finds JB standing over a dead body holding the diary. Oh my.

JB is once again taken downtown for questioning and asks the lieutenant why she would kill Readford. “Beats me Mrs Fletcher,” the lieutenant says, “but every time I find a dead body you seem to be in the neighbourhood”. 

Can’t deny he has a point. But, he admits that he doesn’t think JB is a serial killer and lets her go. Outside, Harry is waiting for her and she decides to pay a visit on Albert Cromwell, the guard Dr Dunn tried to bribe. 

This is an episode of Law and Order that should have happened...

This is an episode of Law and Order that should have happened…

Despite Harry’s subtle line of questioning (*cough*), Bert insists he knows nothing. Dr Dunne approached him with a bag full of twenties fresh from the bank but he said no. 

Harry departs for Secret Harry Business (a date), and JB retires to her hotel, where Dr Dunn is waiting for her. She’s heard there’s a copy of the diary for sale and she’s desperate. As she combs Jessica’s room looking for bugs she begs for the diary, accuses JB of being one of ‘Them’ and declares that no-one is bringing down her lifetime of hard work.

Someone's been getting into the meds...

Someone’s been getting into the meds…

Jess goes to see the Lieutenant for another look at the diary, and discovers that some pages are now missing. The lieutenant tells her the only other person with access to the diary is Judge Parker, who they figure must have removed the pages as a favour to the Ambassador.

Meanwhile, it turns out Harry is on a date with Sheila the producer (yeah I’d forgotten about her too), and is rather pleased about it.

If there are an infinite amount of universes, there is one where Jerry Orbach was in Saturday Night Live. Just think about that for a minute...

If there are an infinite amount of universes, there is one where Jerry Orbach was in Saturday Night Live. Just think about that for a minute…

Sheila tells Harry she’s thinking about making a movie based on his life…in return for the copy of Evangeline’s diary. Harry tells her to get bent (paraphrasing) and sneaks into JB’s hotel room to get the copy. Alas, JB is as usual five steps ahead of him. He tells her it was all part of his cunning plan to smoke the murderer out, but JB insists on harping on ab0ut the mickey he slipped her in her tea. JB decides to take the copied pages to the Lieutenant, with Harry’s reluctant approval but the plan goes awry when the ambassadors lawyer Robert Rhine kidnaps JB at gunpoint. Fortunately Harry returns from his ciggie-buying expedition in time to punch the lawyer in the face. Harry wants to deposit the lawyer on the lieutenant’s desk but JB is more concerned with his hand. “Oh come on Jessica, if I know anything I know how to punch somebody without bustin my hand!” grumbles Harry.

Cut to the next scene where Harry is getting his broken hand set. OH THE LOLZ. Harry seems to think the case is closed, but Jess isn’t so sure and goes to see Sal the director. Before she goes in, his secretary tells her that Richard came to see Sal on the day he died and had a shouting match, the reason for which is later revealed when Sal tells JB that he’s the one who had put the diary up for auction in a quest to drum up publicity. He had taken it from Evangeline’s room the night that she died. JB asks him about the mysterious Al, but he doesn’t know a thing. Naturally.

The lieutenant is less than enthused to learn that the diary belongs to Sal, and Harry has a dig at him for being so ungrateful. In return, the lieutenant rings the license board to have the investigators license of one Harlan McGraw revoked.

Jessica has an epiphany. 

EUREKA

EUREKA

And so the case of the Death of Richard Bennett and That Guy What Owned The Auctionhouse was solved.

Call me Al.

Call me Al.

Al(bert) Cromwell was Evangeline’s boyfriend before she got famous and didn’t take too kindly to the idea of her memory being exploited. When he went to steal it he was spotted by Richard Bennett who recognised him from his attempts to stalk Evangeline. So he knocked him off, and then Readford when he wouldn’t tell him where the diary was. To top it off, he also knocked off Evangeline, who was not enjoying her fame (according to Al).

Case closed, JB fulfills her promise to Richard and burns the diary along with Harry’s copy. Chalk another one up to the Greatest Crimefighting Duo Since Ever.

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!