S09E20 – Ship of Thieves

Yo Fletcherfans! I know, I said I would be back last week, but a surprise road trip came up and so yes, but YOU GUYS RICHMOND WON THE PREMIERSHIP FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1980 which is the dark ages before I was born and here is a picture of me after I’d stopped crying about how freaking great everything is.

But I’m back, the blog is back, no one has dropped any nukes or started any wars which apparently is something we should celebrate these days, so let’s get back to business.

Down by the docks one dark night, a woman called Amber shoots another woman called Agnes Lowry and steals her cruise ticket. And guys, wouldn’t you know it, as a reward for finishing hew new manuscript early, JB’s editor has decided to reward with a bit of a cruise around the Carribean which frankly sounds wonderful right about now. This can only be coincidental.

Even more coincidentally over breakfast and the newspaper the next morning (full of news of a drug kingpin’s murder and the escape of their accomplice), Jess bumps into an old friend from school by the name of Leslie Hunter (aka Lee Merriweather, the original Catwoman. Or was Eartha Kitt?) Leslie just so happens to be dating the captain of the cruise ship, Rory O’Neill and invites JB to an exclusive soiree he’s hosting that night.

Side note: THE BIKINIS ARE CUT SO HIGH JESUS CHRIST HOW WAS THIS EVER A THING.

While a woman and a man conspire to fleece an old guy out of his money playing cards inside, Jess watches a ship steward break the land speed record for falling in love with a random woman while spilling champagne over her boyfriend.

JUDGEMENT JESSICA IS ON DECK.

That night, the shady dude that was helping to fleece the old guy spots Fake Agnes and says “Janet! Remember me? Roland Deveraux! Buffalo three years ago?”

Fake Agnes/Janet tells him to shove off and wanders off. Over at the Captain’s shindig Jess and Leslie blame each other for the hot water running out at school, while Captain Rory tells them all about the ship’s hi-tech features like a mainframe, and a fax machine, and a modem. Bless.

Leslie and Rory wander off, leaving JB alone for a minute before a familiar voice says that JB is represented in the ship’s library by two books, both of which he’s already read.

It can only be one person…

YOU KNOW I DID.

Dennis the Menace is back, for one last hurrah. Recently retired from the insurance game, he has decided to take himself on a cruise to enjoy his new-found freedom but is having some trouble adjusting to civilian life, what with all the potential criminals on the boat. He thinks Jess should think about putting the mother and son duo the Sobel’s into her next book

Jess wanders off to powder her nose, and is interrupted first by a couple of old ducks looking for the captain’s reception, and then by Leslie who wants Jess’s opinion on Rory (which seems odd since they haven’t seen each other since school but what would I know?) Leslie is worried that Rory’s retirement plans – a B&B, roses and breeding Weimaraner dogs- don’t seem to include her.

The steward takes everyone’s guesses for what time they will cross the 25th parallel. Alma Sobel entertains everyone with a story about a guy who died on her cruise after guessing the correct time, pinches Jessica’s pen, denies it, and leaves.

God, this is a new low for me. I’m sorry.

Jess heads back to her room for some shut-eye and is slammed into the wall by a shadowy figure running out of her cabin. Back in the bar, Fake Agnes/Janet is hit on by the guy the steward spilt champagne on who is a) weirded out that Fake Agnes/Janet knows his name and b) delighted when she gives him her room number. The whole thing is overheard by Dennis the Menace who frankly has bigger issues.

Ah the whiskey sponsored existential crisis. I know it well.

JB is less than excited to see the steward turn up at her cabin to take down information about the break-in, especially when he calls her missing earrings (given to her by Frank) ‘not the crown jewels’. He tells her the ship’s detective is in the infirmary so the captain gave him the special assignment and he really is on the case.  As he departs Alma Sobel’s son Marvin arrives to return JB’s pen, apologising for his mother’s kleptomania.

In another part of the ship Roland’s sidekick is showing off her newly pinched earrings, but Roland is furious. He’s on to something big, and now she’s gone and got JB Fletcher on their case. Fortunately, Roland’s gig on the boat is as a magician, so he conveniently psychometrically reads JB  and plonks her earrings in a glass of champagne to great effect.

JB declines Dennis’s offer of a dance and instead goes for a promenade around the decks. She gets him to confess that he is the head of security for the Duchess Cruise Line, and he’s on board this particular ship to catch a cat burglar, specifically Fake Agnes/Janet’s new friend whose name it turns out is Lance Brinegar. Dennis suspects Fake Agnes won’t be wearing her splendid diamond pendant for too much longer.

Speaking of Fake Agnes/Janet, she is surprised to find Roland stretched out on her bed when she returns from a morning swim.  Roland apologises for the intrusion, but as she wasn’t answering his calls or texts he had to take matters into his own hands. Whatever scam Fake Agnes is running, he wants in or else he’ll tell the captain all about how Fake Agnes/Janet scammed an old guy in Buffalo three years earlier. Fake Agnes/Janet notes that he will neglect to mention that he was running the same scam on the old duck, but as she’s in a good mood she will let him in on her action.

A new day dawns on the ship and they arrive at their first port, Oldtown. Leslie tells Jess she’s just going to check on Rory but she’ll meet her later and they can head in together. Jess spots Lance fighting with his actual girlfriend, whose name is Molly, and asks her if she’s okay. Molly asks her if she believes in kismet and JB says no, “for my money relationships don’t just happen.” (Life Lesson #72).

Molly explains that she was paying for this cruise and Lance was going to pay for their honeymoon cruise, but he’s changed and yada yada, fortunately, the cruise was cheap, it’s an old boat etc etc.

Everyone’s favourite steward pops up to apologise for the state of the boat and promptly pours coffee everywhere.

The shade JB has thrown at that steward this episode has been a delight.

Jess runs into Rory finalising his last shipment of antiques and Leslie soon joins them with the suggestion that Rory takes them both to lunch in Old Town. Molly runs into the steward again (whose name is Philip) and accepts his invitation to go to Old Town too.

That night everyone settles in for some frankly appalling comedy in the bar. Marvin Sobel excuses himself to take his medication and promises his mother to return with an eclair for her. Fake Agnes/Janet gets a phone call and promises the caller she will meet them. Lance also excuses himself.

Fake Agnes/Janet is prowling around the sup when she cops a whack on the head. A gunshot is heard, and then Roland runs out of the darkness.

Frankly, none of this is surprising.

Dennis appears and sits down next to JB while the world’s worst comedian announces the winners of the parallel time guessing competition or whatever it was. Back in the captain’s cabin, Leslie decides she’s not hungry, a fact I’m sure will be relevant at some point.

Fake Agnes/Janet’s body doesn’t turn up until the next morning, but a few people saw Roland at the scene so he’s hauled in front of the captain and Dennis for questioning. He tells them they were doing business, he followed her to see what the business was but left when he heard the gunshot. Dennis tells him to get out, and the captain mentions that JB was sitting near the victim the night before so she might have seen something.

JB isn’t sure how she can help, but she tells Dennis about the phone call. Dennis tells her that Fake Agnes’s diamond pendant is now missing and they can only guess who had that, Lance Brinegar. After a report comes in showing his fingerprints were all over Fake Agnes’s room and the murder weapon, Dennis thinks it’s open and shut.

Jess and Molly go to talk to Lance, now in the brig, and he swears he didn’t kill Fake Agnes, he stole the pendant because he needed the money to pay for his and Molly’s honeymoon cruise so really it was her fault.

A guy shifting blame onto a woman, I mean really.

Wandering the halls Jess bumps into Marvin Sobel, who has been looking for her. One of his mother’s new treasures is a cigarette lighter with J F on it, but Jessica tells him it’s not hers. He continues on his quest and Dennis appears with news – the body of an undercover agent by the name of Agnes Lowry has just turned up in Miami and wouldn’t you know it, the same gun was used to kill her.

Dennis wonders whether Fake Agnes/Janet/Amber are the same person, but Jessica thinks its unlikely for reasons I can’t quite remember. The only thing Dennis knows for certain is that Fake Agnes’s real name actually was Janet. Janet Fiske.

This sets off the old mindbox and Jess goes to see Agnes Sopol but she can’t find her. Instead, she finds Marvin, who is also looking for his mother. He tells JB that Agnes pinched the lighter from the captain’s cabin before they went to Old Town. This seals it for JB and so she leaves a message for Dennis and goes investigating below decks, while Philp stands guard.

 

Ah yes.

So I’m a little hazy on this still, but I think Captain Rory was smuggling drugs and skimming money or something, and then Fake Agnes found out about it so Leslie killed her because she really wanted those Weimaramas, you guys.

So she was Amber? Wait Rory was Amber? What just happened?

While I sit here and try to work this out, please rest assured that Molly and Philip are now totes in love and Agnes is still pinching things wherever she can. More to the point, it’s bon voyage to Dennis Stanton, who is off to cruise the world as a ships detective, never to grace another episode of Murder, She Wrote. I’m a little bit bummed you guys.

Until next week.

Oh Dennis. You were the gift that kept on giving.

S05E09 – Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

You guys! WE’RE INVITED TO A WEDDING!

Nothing says romance like Fishkill.

Oh wait a minute. Here’s the bride and groom:

I take it back I’m not coming I’m washing my hair

Preparations are in full swing for the wedding of the millenium, and Jess has arrived to be the voice of sanity in all the chaos, and also to insist that Donna and Grady open her present right away.

All the better for taking a good hard look at yourself Grady

JB’s gift to them is the mirror she got from her  mother on her wedding day. She tells them she thought they’d need something old, and it also brought great luck to Frank and her.

Dammit Grady!

Donna is whisked away by her mother Maisie to prepare for the rehearsal. Grady reminds her that he might need to attend that too and Maisie agrees, but says she wishes she would stop seeing Wilfred down the end of the aisle. Wilfred, it turns out, is Donna’s childhood sweetheart and the man Donna’s parents still wish she would marry. Gotta admit, I kind of feel bad for Grady a bit.

A BIT.

Jess is joined by the housekeeper, Harriet, and it was bugging me for ages that I recognised her voice but IMDB solved the case.

Berta from Two and a Half Men, a show once loved by my Grandma #weird

Harriet scolds Jess for attempting to put her suitcase on the bed, and tells her there will be hell to pay if she doesn’t sharpen her pencils over the bin.

Later that night the family sits down to  the dinner table, joined by Donna’s Uncle Ben who is precisely the type of uncle you are imagining right now. He spends a good amount of time winking salaciously at Jessica, who asks him what he does for a living but the answer is quickly cut off by Donna’s father quizzing Grady on accounting practices. Thug life.

Ben excuses himself, saying he needs ice to cool down his hot blood, “you know what I mean Jessica?”

She is so badass.

In the kitchen, Ben has a fondle of Harriet’s backside. Harriet reacts appropriately.

*insert Charlie Sheen joke here*

The doorbell rings and they are soon joined by Maisie’s brother Ziggy Stardust and his new wife Valerie. Some dramatic tension gets thrown about when it seems like Harriet and Valerie recognise each other but the moment passes and Jess shows them to their rooms on account of Harriet going off to abuse a soup tureen probably. Later that night, Jess is chillaxing with a book when she is interrupted first by Uncle Ben on the prowl (after her or Valerie, I think the phrase is ‘any port in a storm’), and then by Grady and Donna who aren’t coping with anything but specifically Donna’s parents.

The next morning, chaos sets in early. Harriet picks a fight with the wedding caterer, and Ben decides it would be a good idea to slap Jessica’s bum as she walks past to see Donna’s father in his office.

Isn’t it great that nowadays women aren’t treated as objects oh wait…

Jess goes in to try and spruik her nephew’s fine qualities to Donna’s father, (may the force be with her on that) but Maisie interrupts them to announce that the caterer is threatening to walk out as Harriet won’t let him in the kitchen and now Harriet has disappeared. Jess volunteers to help Maisie look for her, but is unaware of the situation in the bushes just next to her.

Just so we’re clear, Harriet is facedown in the petunias.

While the Hunt for Red October Harriet continues, Ben attempts to coach Ziggy in marital harmony but is distracted by the arrival of the waitresses. Jess meets Cousin Clara, who is very keen to get hold of some food. Grady sneaks into Donna’s bedroom to tell her he’s not taking the job at her father’s firm, and that they definitely shouldn’t move in next door in the house the Mayberry’s bought them as a wedding present. Grady goes to confront Donna’s father, gets nowhere, and whinges to Jess that maybe Donna should be with Wilfred, since their wedding appears to be cursed. “Nonsense” says Jess. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Now I can’t really explain what happens next, but if you’ve seen it y0u know what I’m talking about and if you haven’t, there are sound effects involved that left me looking like this:

In any case, the Chief of Police is called and makes the following discovery, not edited by me in any way.

Nailed it

I don’t even.

Slocum decides in 30 seconds that the culprit is a professional burglar, but his mind is blown when Jess gently explains to him that it would appear the wrapping paper from the present was placed in Harriet’s hand as an afterthought to cover up the motive of the crime. More importantly, the killer has to still be in the house as the guard told Jess earlier when she was looking for Harriet that no one had left the premises.

While the wedding guests are redirected to the open bar, Jess and Slocum begin the investigation. Jess shows Slocum where the meat thermometer was kept, and tells him that the killer can’t have been acquainted with the house since they didn’t know where the knives were kept and went for the handiest weapon. This probably means that the body was moved to buy time.

Slocum is on board so far.

Nailing it

Meanwhile, Donna and Grady’s attempts to talk to her father about their future are overshadowed by the arrival of Wilfred, the ex-boyfriend and shining light to the Mayberry parents.

Not so much any more.

*starts humming Born in the USA*

Outside, Ben and Ziggy suddenly realise that neither of them have a cousin Clara. Jess goes in to investigate and discovers that Clara is in fact a wedding crasher.

Ugh you guys, lets cut to the chase because this episode is weird.

Mmmmkay

Turns out Valerie accidentally on purpose killed her ex husband, and Harriet was her maid, And honestly, whatever.

As Grady and Donna finally tie the knot, I think Jessica sums it up best.

I need to lie down.

S04E07 – If It’s Thursday, It Must Be Beverley

This week Our Heroine is getting her hair done in a place that could accurately be described as my worst nightmare.

So. Much. Pink.

That delighted postman (previously seen as Lieutenant Casey in these two episodes) is George Tibbits, who delivers mail and New Hampshire lottery tickets which apparently pay out more than Maine ones. Jess confesses to having no luck gambling, but the other ladies are all up for it. If you know what I mean.

Hair did, JB goes off out into the world and runs into Seth, who is dropping his secretary off at the beauty parlour for her regular hair cut. Seth invites himself around to JB’s for dinner so he can cook a recipe he found in Frugal Cuisines of the World magazine. As they talk, they see Night Deputy Jonathan Martin pull up to collect his wife Audrey who immediately starts berating him for not letting her know he was out the front and for suggesting they go and get icecream. Seth comments that he wouldn’t wish the job of night deputy on his worst enemy…or the wife.

That night, Audrey pins her lottery ticket up on the corkboard, puts last week’s ticket in the losers box, abuses her husband for being a failure of life and bursts into tears when he gives her roses because Charlie Wilson used to give her gardenias and she should have married Charlie Wilson and she should have stayed in Boston. Pretty sure your husband agrees with you love.

Meanwhile over at Casa de JB, Seth is whipping up a culinary frenzy, despite Jessica’s scepticism and memories of the Chicken Veronique that resulted in a mild case of food poisoning. Just as Seth is putting the finishing touches on his masterpiece Amos turns up to return a book/case the joint for food. Under orders from JB Seth grudgingly allows Amos a spoonful. Amos loves it until he finds out calamari isn’t a fancy kind of chicken.

Poor Amos.

While Seth finishes off the last few touches, and puts the pie in the oven, JB gets a phone call from Flossy at the Sheriff’s office looking for Amos. No one can get a hold of Deputy Jonathan Martin, and shots have been heard from inside his house. Amos, Seth and JB go to investigate and find Audrey lying dead on the floor, gun in hand. While it appears to be suicide, JB can’t help thinking it doesn’t make sense – women don’t usually shoot themselves, they prefer pills. JB thinks it’s sad that there’s no cards or photos on the corkboard. Just an old shopping list and some receipts. Okay?

Jonathan arrives home to find them all there, and is surprisingly heartbroken. He confirms that they never locked the door, as Audrey thought Cabot Cove was so boring that nothing would ever happen, and that the gun she used was the spare he kept in the dresser upstairs. Amos begins to come round to the murder theory, and asks Jonathan where he’d been and why he didn’t answer his radio. He says that he went to rescue Eve Simpson’s cat that was stuck in a tree, and he turned the radio off so it wouldn’t startle the cat. Then he drove around, remembered the radio was off and turned it back on to hear the news. Amos tells him to take a few days off while they sort it out.

The next morning notes are compared at the beauty parlour. Ideal Malloy (not kidding, that’s her name) never considered killing herself when her husband left, Eve Simpson (owner of the wayward cat) thinks it’s a relief that at least she had her hair done before she did it, but the owner of the parlour, Loretta, has heard differently. She heard that Amos had taken Jonathan’s badge off him, which makes no sense to Ideal. What does Jonathan’s badge have anything to do with it? Amos cautiously wanders in on cue to ask them about Audrey’s behaviour the previous day but they all want to know if Amos thinks Jonathan really killed his wife (“with his badge?” Adds Ideal.) Amos doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself.

Amos does not have a way with the ladies.

Seth isn’t having the best day either, when JB drops by to return his pot. His secretary Beverley has called in sick for the first time in twenty years, the phone won’t stop ringing with people looking for her, and “What really scorches my slippers is that I can’t find my copy of New Hampshire Weekly.” He was stuck on the crossword, but luckily Our Heroine is there to tell him the answer. She’s about to leave Seth to his rage when Amos wanders in looking shellshocked. He tells JB that Eve Simpson confirmed what the logbook said; that the only call the previous night was about her cat. “About all I could make sense of all that caterwauling’.” Says Amos. “Women.” He adds.

“Present company excluded ma’am!” Amos hastens to add.

SHE IS THE DANGER.

JB’s next stop is to see her travel agent and fellow beauty parlour patron Phyllis, who is also the town travel agent. While they’re chatting JB learns that Eve Simpson’s trip to the south of France might now be with someone, and that back in the day Audrey Martin was friends with Phyllis’s cousin. Both of these things are probably important.

The next day (according to Our Heroine’s wardrobe change), JB is at home hard at work on her next novel when she gets a knock at the door. It’s Jonathan Martin, looking for JB’s help to clear his name, as long as she’s not too busy working.

And then we receive a lesson in context.

Deputy Martin: I’ve got just the cure……That better?

Our Heroine:  Oh….Oh my Goodness…Yes…Ooh…Just wonderful…Oh….My husband used to do this for me all the time…

Deputy Martin: That so?

Our Heroine: Yes that’s the very spot right there…Oh he had the most wonderful hands…

Deputy Martin: How’s that feel?

Get your minds out of the gutter.

Fortunately Jess is saved by the arrival of the mailman George, who she drags into her house. George is a bit taken aback to see Jonathan, and even more so when JB shoves them both out on to  the street.

Jonathan’s hands have made JB suspicious and she goes to look at the logbook again, which says that he was at Eve Simpson’s for an hour, then Jonathan claimed that he was driving for an hour and a half after that. If he was telling the truth, says JB. Amos doesn’t believe it. “But he has to be telling the truth! How can it take two and a half hours to get a cat out of a tree?”

JB examines the log book a bit more closely and notices that Eve Simpson’s cat had a habit of needing to be rescued every Tuesday.  JB then tells Amos about Phyllis’s news that Eve was looking for a second plane ticket for her trip to France.

“Kind of makes you wonder if it was the cat Jonathan was attending to…or the canary.” Says Amos.

Ohhhh. CAT.

JB and Amos go to ask Eve about this mysterious second person she’s travelling with, but Eve informs them that it’s her own business. Instead they ask her about her “cat” that needs “rescuing” on a regular basis, to which Eve replies “Yes, she’s a very bad cat, and the deputy seems to have a way with her.”

I think Amos is about to pass out

They go to confront Jonathan who admits that he was with Eve at the time his wife died. He didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did. That old chestnut. Later, JB and Amos are walking past the beauty parlour when Loretta spots them and tells them she’s decided to tell the truth about something. JB tells her it’s okay, that they know about Jonathan and Eve Simpson.

Loretta is scandalised. What? That’s old news! She’s talking about Ideal Malloy!

Did she live up to her name though?

A quick check of the logbook confirms that Ideal Malloy had a habit of seeing prowlers in her garden on Monday nights. And by prowlers in the garden I think you know what I mean. While Amos bellyaches about how his deputy isn’t going to get away with this, and that he asked Ideal Malloy to the pictures last Monday and she said she had to wash her hair, JB has made a discovery, which she shares with Amos.

Life Lesson #54: THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO DAYS IN THE WEEK.

Phyllis Grant the travel agent admits that her dog didn’t actually run away every Wednesday. Amos is scandalised that she would take up with a married man, but she tells him that’s what made it perfect. Ideal admits to being Mondays but has an alibi for the murder – she was with Loretta and Coreen at the cinema at the time of the murder.

As you would expect, Seth Hazlitt has some thoughts on these new developments. “I know he’s supposed to service the town at night, but don’t you think that’s going a bit far?”

Amos has other issues. “Why him? What’s he got that I – that’s so special?”

“Perhaps he should will his body to Harvard medical school, maybe they can find out!” Chortles Amos.

They spot George the mailman, and Seth asks him about his copy of New Hampshire weekly, but George has nothing for him. Maybe it was never loaded onto the truck? JB asks Seth if Beverley was going to be in the office, Amos and she had some questions for her. Because if it’s Thursday…GEDDIT?

Beverley is not one to hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.

Who says romance is dead? Amos and Seth adjourn to the nearest coffee pot for a strong cup to settle their nerves, leaving JB to interview Beverley, who tells them that Jonathan was planning to leave his wife and be with her. He never actually said so, but a woman knows these things. With no help on offer from Amos and Seth, JB then asks Beverley where she was the morning after the murder, since she was late to work. Beverley informs them that she was making a casserole for Jonathan, and if Seth wants to fire her for being late once in twenty years then he didn’t need Jessica to do his dirty work for him. She was going out into the world to have some fun!

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE EVER.

“No wonder she seemed so relaxed on Friday mornings.” Says Seth.

Meanwhile at Jonathan’s house, Eve Simpson has just made a chilling discovery.

Oh yes. Jonathan has been having his casserole and eating it too.

Needless to say, the atmosphere is a little subdued down at the beauty parlour when JB and Amos roll in. Amos can’t handle it and asks JB to take the lead while he goes to read magazines in the corner. JB asks Loretta if she knows whether any of Jonathan’s women had acted like they’d been dumped, but Loretta can’t think of anyone. Amos takes a break from his magazine to notice Coreen the assistant acting suspicious so he decides to pay her a visit later that night.

Would it amaze you to learn she’s not alone?

To paraphrase one of my favourite movies, does this guy have chocolate flavoured nipples?

Jonathan swears he’d never been to Coreen’s until that night, and that she’d asked him to come and fix her screen door, because everyone at the beauty parlour said how wonderful Jonathan was…at fixing things.

Amos asks her where she was the night of the murder and she tells him she was at the cinema with Ideal Malloy. “Ah yes,” says JB. “And Loretta.”

Nope. Loretta was visiting her sister in Augusta.

A clue! Remember that time someone was murdered? Uising every ounce of self control remaining, Amos asks Jonathan if  he’d ever had a little something something going on with Loretta.

Jonathan nods. “My one big mistake.” Turns out Loretta was after him to leave his wife and be with her, and was relentless.

Poor, poor Amos.

But when they go to see Loretta, the murder of Audrey Martin isn’t her secret. Secret botox injections from a night doctor are.

Just when all hope seems lost, JB catches sight of the lottery tickets stuck to the mirror. Guys! Remember that time they bought lottery tickets from New Hampshire, and then Seth didn’t get his copy of the New Hampshire Weekly? IT WAS ALL CONNECTED.

Fair enough then.

All those booty calls and it all came down to George the postman recognising Audrey’s winning numbers in the New Hampshire Weekly and wanting to retire.

This episode though. I think I need a stiff drink and a lie down.

Later gang!

S02E15 – Powder Keg

Disclaimer: My attention wandered in this episode. You have been warned.

Roadtrippin again this week Fletcherfans, this time to Sweet Home Alabama where Our Heroine is kicking back with her pal Ames Caulfield after a hardcore week of partying at a writers conference. Sadly, it all goes a bit pear-shaped en route to Ames’s estate and they break down outside of Hoopville.

While the car gets fixed, JB and Ames adjourn to the hotel which (in an Amazingly Unforeseen and Unpredictable Coincidence) is owned by a former student (and obvious former flame) of Ames’s, Cassie Burns along with her son Matthew-the-musician who is surprisingly adult if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink etcetera.

Following up on the incredibly subtle suggestion that Matthew might be Ames’s son, Ames goes to watch Matthew play (and flirt with a perm called Linda) at the bar on the outskirts of town while the bar owner Frank Kelso shows off his new gun toy before the peace is Completely and Utterly Disturbed by zombies the arrival of Linda’s brother Ed and his  minions Andy and Billy who like booze and bullying. And eating brains, probably.

Fun fact: the middle zombie is Jackie Earle Haley and the one on the left is from CHiPS. You’re welcome, people on their way to a trivia night.

On a semi-unrelated topic….

Sometimes I even scare myself…anyway, head zombie Ed decides he doesn’t like Matthew making loverboy-eyes at his sister and tells him accordingly. This amazingly leads to a massive brawl and Ed ordering Matthew to stay away from singing and his sister (in that order). The zombies take off in their zombiemobile car with Matthew in hot pursuit, telling Linda that he’s going to kill Ed even if he is her brother. Ames is left standing in the dust looking perplexed.

I can’t even begin to speculate what is going to happen next.

Back at the hotel JB is up late working (because that’s just how she rolls) when she hears Ames come in. As she looks pointedly at her watch, sirens blare outside. Because Ed the zombie is dead. Not undead, just dead. Dead Ed. OH THE SURPRISE.

The next morning, Ames quickly recruits JB to come to the aid of Matthew, who has been arrested for the murder of Zombie Ed. Down at the sheriff’s office, Ames tries all sorts of name-dropping tricks in an effort to see Matthew but the sheriff and Daniel Day-Lewis are unmoved.

That Daniel Day-Lewis is so good he can even play a painting.

IMDB has just informed me that the Sheriff of Hoopville is also Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mind. Blown. The Sheriff tells Our Heroine and Ames about the mountain of (circumstantial) evidence proving Matthew killed the zombie  Ed, but admits that he has doubts about Matthew’s guilt. He also says that despite this, Matthew is a lot safer inside the jail than out on the streets where the local townsfolk are baying for revenge. JB and Ames return to the hotel where the clerk tells Ames that Cassie wants to see him at home immediately. JB stops him to ask if he remembers seeing anything after the fight to prove that Matthew is innocent but Ames can’t remember a thing.

I’ll be honest – I think JB solved this case about twenty minutes ago and she’s just stringing everyone along.

Outside the sheriff’s office the angry mob is taking time out of its schedule to get good and drunk. Bar owner Frank Kelso drops by with more booze and tells Andy that he’s sorry that Ed was a zombie murdered. Andy is having none of it though. Apparently everyone knew that Frank Kelso’s wife was having a thing with Ed before she went to “visit her mother” which is apparently code for “run off with the hardware salesman”. Frank hulks out but is silenced with a punch to the face.

JB goes to see the Sheriff to get the latest news and meets the Hoopville version of Doc Hazlitt, who is JB’s biggest fan even without having read any of her books. At last, someone with some sense. The doc tells JB that the body was definitely hacked at and moved post-mortem. The sheriff reluctantly lets JB look through Ed’s personal effects and is equally flummoxed by the presence of two cigarette lighters one of which bears the Cameron family crest. (The Murder She Wrote writers want to make that point clear. I feel this may come up later)

Outside, JB is accosted by Dead Ed’s sister who asks her to come and see her father to try to put a stop to this episode the insanity. Dead Ed’s Dad seems disinclined to do anything but chop wood and mutter about the sheriff, but eventually comes clean – Dead Ed moved out without a dime but somehow managed to rent a house, buy an expensive new car and generally carry on like he was a Kardashian. He suspects Dead Ed of being a drug dealer, but hasn’t proof.

Back in town the mob is getting restless with just drinking and making nooses. Sheriff Shredder tells Our Heroine that someone was spotted leaving Dead Ed’s place but they don’t know who. JB has it with people not telling her things and tries to force Cassie to admit that Matthew is Ames’s son. She blusters and storms off but Ames admits it. He also tells her that Billy Willetts (associate zombie to Dead Ed) held a knife to Frank Kelso the night of the brawl. Apparently this is news we can use.

After the sheriff orders JB off the case, on account of the angry mob of zombies massing outside the sheriff’s office. Thankfully, JB ignores him and pays a visit on Frank Kelso, who greets her with his gun.

Ermagherd this episode just keeps going

Frank wants to know why JB is snooping around. He tells her Billy held the knife on him to stop him from reaching for his ‘peacemaker’.

“Strictly speaking, a Peacemaker is a nickname for a Colt 45, used in frontier days. If I’m not mistaken, that’s a Webley Fosbury semi automatic revolver.” says Jess.

“Wellllll…..you sure do know your weaponry!” Says Frank. “You own one of them?”

“Oh no. No no no.” Jess replies.  “Of course I just ran across it in research. For several days I considered using one to shoot a Bulgarian scientist.”

 

Frank has no time to think of an appropriate response. He gets a call from the Sheriffs office. There’s trouble.

When in doubt, zombies.

 

Faced with the imminent zombie menace the sheriff prepares to fight the hordes of undead to the end, but is saved when Dead Ed’s father appears and orders the angry zombie mob to disperse. To celebrate, Sheriff Shredder arrests Andy for  being a zombie. And a douchebag.

After emptying his pockets they discover Andy has a keyring with the Cameron crest on it. Hey guys! Remember that time with the lighter! See how it all comes together!?

The Sheriff asks Andy if he’d lost his lighter and Andy’s all “hell yeah, where’d you find it?”

“Off your friend’s dead body.” Says the sheriff.

BAM.

Andy flips out. He gave the lighter to Dead Ed after they left Kelso’s the first time, since Dead Ed had left his behind. They went to play pool, got back into town at 12:45 then Dead Ed said he had to go to the bank.

And by bank…

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this coming. Mainly because by this point I’d stopped looking.

Are you ready kids? So it turns out Frank Kelso was being blackmailed by Dead Ed because Dead Ed found out Frank killed his wife after she’d had an affair with Dead Ed. So, Frank killed Dead Ed. And then it was now.

Good lord. I need a nap. And a whiskey.

Until next time, dear reader.

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

 

 

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