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Murder She Blogged is going on a little hiatus while I go on an epic voyage to USA to solve mysteries, attend a wedding and eat a cronut. Definitely not in that order though.

But never fear! The blog will return in September to find more proof that JB Fletcher is the greatest person ever. In the mean time, I leave you with this video, which is everything.

See you soon Fletcherfans!

And now, a word from our sponsor

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I had big plans to bring you the next episode of Murder She Wrote today. But then my friend Jess happened. And then tequila happened. And then 4am happened.

So instead, I’m reposting this because obvious reasons:

Merry Christmas Fletcherfans. Thank you for stopping by and reading (and sharing) my crazy blog. If you’re in the northern hemisphere I hope it snows. If you’re in the southern hemisphere I hope it doesn’t because I have big plans to lounge around by my uncle’s pool and eat cheese so some actual summer would be nice.

More than anything, I hope you eat so much on Christmas Day you spend most of Boxing Day lying on the couch wishing you could do it all again, as is tradition in my family.

See you in 2014 xox.

S03E08 – Magnum on Ice

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Hey guys! Remember that time Our Heroine flew out to Hawaii to be with her friend who thought someone was trying to kill her but actually no one died because El Moustacho Magnum PI saved the day completely by accident by shooting the hitman in the back?

Turns out we may have been a bit hasty. But not as hasty as Magnum, since it turns out the hitman didn’t have a gun. Awkward.

The Hawaii 5-0 (heh heh heh) arrive and take Magnum into custody. The Chief is particularly delighted and informs Magnum that he’s in it up to his neck, despite Our Heroine’s attempts to explain to him that they all heard two shots fired, even if they only found evidence of one gun and one bullet.

While Magnum cools his heels in the cells, JB returns to the mansion to see Higgins. He is convinced he was the target and that the danger is passed, so is helping Pamela and Amy pack up so that they can move to a hotel down at the beach. JB is less convinced and goes to see Jason the party host for more information/movie re-enacting.

*pew pew*

*pew pew*

Through a stunning use of gun hands JB manages to find another bullet. Jason finally appears and JB asks him if Joan is around. He denies ever sleeping with her, and informs JB he’d never met the hitman Peter Mayfield either. It turns out Jason Bryan was throwing the party on behalf of someone else, and that mysterious someone else was the person who put Mayfield on the guest list.

Shell casing in hand, JB returns to the police station but Captain Browning won’t have a bar of it. Furthermore, JB’s request to see Magnum is denied on account of Browning being a grumpy bastard.

Our Heroine does not take this sitting down.

c2 d2

Magnum is delighted happy perplexed to see JB. She tells him about finding the shell casing and he grudgingly admits that was a stroke of good luck. She asks him if he can think of who might have been host of the party that Jason threw and he tells her Arthur Houston, head of PacLisle Industries seemed to know more than he was letting on but warns her it could be dangerous. He also reminds her about the small matter of getting Higgins to bail him out.

I don’t think Magnum is enjoying prison life very much,

It sucks to be Magnum right now.

It sucks to be Magnum right now.

Back at the hotel JB tells Higgins her discoveries and he informs her that a .45 gun has gone missing from one of Orson Welles’s Robin Masters’s gun cabinets. Pamela arrives to ask them if they’ve seen Amy, as she has a package to return to her. JB investigates it and determines it unlikely to be this ‘supposed’ cookbook for ‘Aunt Grace’ if that is her real name. Higgins unwraps it and reveals that THE BOOKS ARE NOW DIAMONDS.

(Yes I did write that in Old Spice Guy’s voice, thank you for noticing).

Amy wanders in and is rather annoyed that people have been going through her packages. JB goes to talk to her and she comes clean – she’s left her abusive husband and the diamonds are all she has to start over. Jess asks her about her trip to PacLisle and Amy tells her that she was there to deliver an envelope to Arthur Houston for Joan.

Speaking of the devil, Joan finds them to tell them that Amy has a visitor – her husband Victor. Amy bursts into tears and runs away, leaving JB to advise Victor to try again tomorrow, Joan to keep an eye on Amy and Higgins to take her to see Magnum.

In jail, Magnum is chucking a tantrum about the lack of bail money/help from Orson Welles Robin Masters but JB has bigger things on her mind, She’s sure Amy is not involved in the murders, despite Magnum’s suggestions. He thinks the whole thing is a plot out of one of JB’s novels, like the one Higgins sent him to read. He never finished it, but he knows it was the psychiatrist.

“Actually, it was the lawyer.” Says JB.

This guy is just not having a good day.

This guy is just not having a good day.

JB pays a visit to Joan’s room, where she’s busy chatting up the help. She tells her that she is selling the business left to her by her late husband to Arthur Houston. JB goes to see Arthur Houston for more information about the business deal but finds him dead on the floor next to Magnum’s cap. Browning informs JB that as Magnum made bail a couple of hours previously, he’s still on the hook for both murders.

Back at her hotel JB has big plans for a bath and a think, both of which are ruined by Magnum breaking into her room. She tells him about the death of Arthur Houston but he can’t think of anyone who can alibi him for the time of the murder. Later that night, JB notices Amy’s door has been forced and goes to investigate. Amy arrives back but before they can call security Victor climbs in through the window with a crowbar, demanding the jewellery.

Fortunately, Higgins is there to save the day with some Premium Ninja Moves.

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

Despite HIggins’s best moves, Victor gets away. While Amy prepares to check out of the hotel (having caused enough excitement for one day), JB asks Higgins how he got hold of Orson Welles Robin Masters to get bail sorted. He tells her that it wasn’t Masters who paid the bail, it was Joan.

Apparently, in more ways than one.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Joan helpfully explains to JB that it was a case of kill or be killed, and that setting up Magnum was just a business move, nothing personal. Fortunately, Magnum is out on the ledge and clearly appreciates the sentiment.

Idea: Moustache Ninjas! A crimefighting team that are invisible apart from their GIANT MOUSTACHES. Come on, I've got to fill the Breaking Bad void somehow, right?

Idea: Moustache Ninjas! A  deadly crime-fighting team, invisible apart from their GIANT MOUSTACHES. Come on, I’ve got to fill the Breaking Bad void somehow, right?

Alls well that ends well. The killer was caught, Amy was cleared of stealing jewellery, her husband was arrested for Being A Dick, JB is restored to being ALWAYS RIGHT and I managed to survive the emotional turmoil of the series finale of Breaking Bad.

Well, almost.

See you next week!

See you next week!

S03E02 – Death Stalks The Big Top (Part 2)

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So, to recap: Our Heroine went hunting leprechauns in Arkansas, found her dead brother-in-law working in a circus in Kansas and stays to clear him of the murder of Douchbag Hank Sutter. The rest of the circus gang have their own crap to deal with. Got it? Good!

JB goes to confront Neil about his so-called confession but he tells her to back off. He accidentally reveals a cut on his leg, which JB decides is where the blood on the alleged murder weapon (a juggling club) came from. She’s convinced that he’s covering up for someone and taking the fall.

Mayor Adam West Powers doesn’t care. He’s convinced he’s got the right man, his father in law the judge thinks he’s got the right man, and the people in town think he’s got the right man. He’s getting himself re-elected, and thinks JB should just go back to where she came from.

This mayor bloke is going to get a Cabot Cove smackdown before this episode is done, I can tell.

This mayor bloke is going to get a Cabot Cove smackdown before this episode is done, I can tell.

The Sheriff (who I’ve just learned was in the Train Job episode of Firefly as the Sheriff and now I have the theme from Inception stuck in my head) is more apologetic.  Jess goes back to the big top, where she finds the ringmaster Preston Bartholomew watching Hank Sutter’s widow Maylene rehearsing her horse vaulting routine.

And by watching…

Sweet dreams, Internet...

Sweet dreams, Internet…

Maylene tells Preston that she’s leaving the circus at the end of the season, to start a horse breeding farm. Preston tells her he’s thinking of doing the same thing – the Mysterious Accidents of Mystery have jinxed the circus, and he’s due a large wad of cash that he’s going to collect and ride off into the sunset on his moustache, probably.

JB “bumps” into Maylene outside the big top to offer her condolences and ask her if she thinks her husband could have been the one who caused all the ‘accidents’ that have cursed the big top. Maylene thinks anything is possible, but doesn’t think so. JB tells her her theory that Neil/Carl is taking the fall for someone, and asks if Maylene knows who that might be. Maylene’s got nothing.

Inside the big top Brad and Charlie are watching Katie rehearse. JB wanders in just in time to see Katie fall from the high wire into the safety net. She’s convinced someone is trying to kill her, and turns out she’s not wrong – someone had put a ball bearing inside her balance pole and had glued it just enough to keep it from moving until it was used in her act.

Katie is (understandably) raging, but both Brad and Edgar Carmody don’t want to get the police involved. Carmody seems to have a good idea about who’s behind the shenanigans and storms off. JB lingers to ask Brad about the cuts and grazes on his hands, but he tells her they were caused by working without gloves and storms off too.

After searching Neil/Carl’s trailer, JB finds a strip of photo-booth photos with Neil/Carl, Charlie and Charlie’s baseball bat. She finds Katie and Charlie to ask about the bat and Charlie tells her that Hank the Douchebag took it off him the night he died. JB goes straight to the jail to tell Neil/Carl that he’s protecting someone who doesn’t need protecting – Charlie couldn’t have killed Hank with the baseball bat. Neil/Carl finally comes clean and tells them what happened – he was out strolling the grounds and saw Hank lying on the ground, next to Charlie’s bat. He put two and two together, and decided to do A Good Deed.

Mayor Powers is having none of it, and orders Neil/Carl back to his cell.

JESS SMASH

JESS SMASH

JB spots a report on Brad Keneally on the sheriff’s desk. He’d spotted the same cuts and grazes that Jess had, and had checked into his past. Turns out all of his work history and references on his application to the circus were completely faked. As if he had something to hide. BAM.

JB goes back to her hotel to have a ponder and spots Mr Carmody leaving. JB asks the clerk if Mr Kingman is in his room, and if she can pay him a visit.

Now, disclaimer: Mr Kingman is in the first episode, for about three seconds. He owns another circus, and wants to buy Carmody out. How the hell JB knows about him is in fact beyond me. Seriously though, if you know what I’m talking about please let me know I’m confused.

Anyway.

Before JB can go pay a visit to Mr Kingman she’s accosted by Carol Brady Maria Morgana, who offers her assistance. JB calls her out on it, pointing out tbat she stood to benefit from the circus shutting down. They are soon interrupted by her daughter who has just found out that her mother paid Carmody a million dollars to fire his son. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

But ain’t nobody got time for that, because it turns out Mr Kingman is lying dead on the floor of his hotel room. (Seriously though, what the hell?)  The coroner (who is the nephew of the mayor and also a vet) tells him that he’s been dead less than an hour. Both the Sheriff and JB try to tell the mayor about Carmody leaving the scene just before the body was found but he’s got a care factor of zero and tells JB that if she impedes his investigation one more second he’ll have her thrown in jail with her brother-in-law.

Actual quote: "I'm sorry Mayor but you have as much right to conduct a police investigation as Jack the Ripper". BAM

Actual quote: “I’m sorry Mayor but you have as much right to conduct a police investigation as Jack the Ripper”. BAM

After getting no support from the sheriff (who calls him a boob-brained pompous ass), the mayor storms off.

Heh heh

Heh heh

Back at the circus Edgar Carmody is celebrating his good fortune, until he is confronted by his son. After Ray convinces him that he wants to stay at the circus and so does his wife, Ray promises to send the cheque back to Maria. He tells Ray that he’s sure the accidents will stop, saving them money. “I’m sure they will,” says JB, bobbing up from god knows where. “Since Kingman is now dead.”Edgar proclaims his innocence. JB thinks he’s covering for someone (there seems to be a bit of that going around) and asks him about Brad Keneally.

Armed with more information JB goes to question Brad. Preston and Maylene stop her on the way to ask her if it was true that Kingman was strangled and that that was the end of the Accidents, and JB tells them Yes and Maybe not. Brad is packing up his gear and ignoring Katie’s protests when JB arrives to tell him that Hank Sutter wasn’t murdered by elephants or by fists.

Brad comes clean. He used to be a boxer and a drunk who had a nasty habit of combining the two. After a couple of run ins with the law Brad hit the road and ended up at Carmodys. After three years of lying low  he got into a fight with Sutter the night he died, but ran off when he heard someone coming. JB thinks whomever this mysterious person was is the killer/

Calling it a night, JB goes back to her hotel room and finds Maylene passed out on the floor. JB quickly joins her after being attacked with a chloroform soaked handkerchief. The mysterious intruder sets fire to the bed and takes off. Fortunately for everyone Neil/Carl chooses that exact moment to turn up, having been released from jail.

This brush with death has given JB an idea about the killer, but she has no way to prove it. She arranges to meet him at the big top to see if she can coerce it out of him, and only when the circus folk threaten to feed him to the lions that he admits to everything.

(Also Ringmaster of Death)

(Also Ringmaster of Death)

The Moustached one was in the employ of Kingman and tried to ruin the circus by causing all those Mysterious Accidents. Hank Sutter busted him mid-accident and so he killed him. Kingman refused to pay him for his work and so he killed him. Maylene and JB unwittingly caught him in a lie and so he tried to kill them, but failed.

Job done, JB goes back to Washington to report in to Monica and tell her the story. Grandfather and granddaughter are briefly reunited and they all live happily ever after. Except Constance, because anyone who is that much of a raging bitch will never be happy.

The. End.

Later gang!

Later gang!

And now, a word from our sponsor

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Fletcherfans!

Did you know Murder, She Blogged is on Facebook? Apparently if I get 30 likes on there Facebook says something will happen, which I assume means some sort of delicious pie. Help me get pie!

As you were.

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S02E01 – Widow, Weep For Me

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Fletcherfans! We’re back! And not only are we back, but we’re in the Caribbean! PINA COLADAS FOR EVERYBODY!

In any case, there is a lady called Antoinette in need, and when in the pits of despair (past the bridge of eternal peril), there’s only one person to write to:

You’re welcome, fans of obscure and pointless TV trivia!

JB is naturally concerned, especially when Antoinette turns up murdered, so she immediately blows the Cove and heads for the sunny shores of Jamaica. She doesn’t want anyone to know she’s coming though, so she CUNNINGLY ASSUMES AN IDENTITY.

Life Lesson #34 – Turbans. Wear them.

Disguised as notorious recluse Margurite Canfield, JB manages to scold the valet, the receptionist and Myrna Montclaire  within 30 seconds. (Sample burn: when Myrna hopes that ‘Margurite’ will enjoy her stay, JB replies with “I’m sure I will Ms Montclaire, or it will be a short one.” then clicks at the luggage boy and flounces off) HOLY CRAP IT’S AMAZING.

But it’s not all turbans and sass. JB is here to find out who murdered her friend. She is soon paid a visit by Chief Inspector Claude Renssalaer, who frankly is the most stylish policeman I’ve seen anywhere ever.

This is what the next Doctor Who should look like. (But not for a while, because Matt Smith is great)

The Inspector is not best pleased to see her. Word around the hotel is that Antoinette was murdered by a jewel thief, but JB is convinced there’s more to it than that. The inspector disagrees, and tells her that she’s putting herself in terrible danger just by being at the hotel, wearing what she’s wearing. (I’m assuming he’s talking about the turban). JB wants to know who her friend was hanging out with, and the Inspector reluctantly gives her some names.

Later that night, JB hits up the casino and her entrance is duly noted by three different men. JB pays them no mind – she’s got her eyes on the roulette wheel. She makes friends with another woman flying solo, Alva Crane, before being interrupted by one of Antoinette’s friends – a drunk American school teacher named Veronica Harrold who is in the process of being picked up by a tall man named Sven. It’s the age-old story. Veronica is well pleased with herself though, and tells Jess and Alva to eat their hearts out.

Alva: “You know, I never much cared for taller men, but for him I could make an exception.”

Before JB can high-five her, one of the men who noticed her entrance comes over. His name is Michael Hegarty, and would Ms Canfield like to join him for a drink on the terrace?

Whether it’s his Irish accent, his smile, or the possibility of free booze I don’t know, but JB says HELL YEAH (paraphrasing). I don’t know, he seems a bit sleazy to me… Over pina coladas they suss each other out: Hegarty doesn’t believe in steady employment, ‘Margurite’ doesn’t believe in giving anything away, including the fact that they have an audience – someone has his eye on them.

Later, as they stroll in the moonlight, she quizzes Hegarty on the object of Veronica’s affections, Sven. Turns out Sven used to be a skiing gold medallist who now just flits about the world, hooking up with fancy ladies. Of course.

“But what’s this now.” says Hegarty. “You walking in the moonlight with the likes of me talking about a young stud fifteen years my junior?

“If I was interested in Sven Torvald,” says JB/Margurite, “Believe me, he would be here now instead of you. I know what I want Mr Hegarty…and I get it”

JB is ON FIRE in this episode!

Hegarty goes in for the big moves – a nighttime trip to some waterfalls just down the road, but the moment is ruined by a guy snatching JB’s purse and legging it down the path. Hegarty gives chase but is thwarted by the guy from the bar, who turns out to be Sheldon Greenburg Hotel Detective. He claims to have been following Margurite/JB because he suspected something like this might happen. A LIKELY STORY. Alas, there is to be no waterfall related hijinks tonight.

The next morning JB asks her pal the Inspector if Sheldon has reported the theft of her purse – and he hadn’t. DODGY. JB can’t dwell on this right now, she’s on a mission to find out what the deal is with Veronica-the-School-Teacher who just so happens to be jogging past the phone box. Over iced teas “no lemon or chemicals – good for the blood, very invigorating” (Life Lesson #35), JB discovers that Veronica won her holiday in a contest she doesn’t even remember entering, and that Antoinette (remember how JB had come out here to investigate her murder? Yeah, I’d forgotten too) had singled her out on the first day to make her feel welcome.  Before long Sven appears, and whisks Veronica away to go sailing. Presumably that’s code.

Meanwhile, the hotel manager Eric Brahm (another of Antoinette’s fans) is having a meeting with Michael Hegarty. He’s discovered that Michael Hegarty isn’t who he says he is, and is concerned – mainly because he owes the casino ten grand. Michael Hegarty informs him that who he is and what he does is immaterial, and here, have a cheque for 25 Gs. Amazing how much better Eric feels now.

In the foyer, JB has just spotted Sheldon The House Detective chatting with the man who stole her purse. SHENANIGANS! Sheldon admits to getting someone to snatch her purse so he could get a look at her passport. He was a bit suspicious that Margurite Canfield looked a lot like the photo of JB Fletcher on the back of his book.

BUSTED.

He knows why she’s here – either to dig up information for her next book, or to “make Shelly Greenburg look bad.”

To this, JB lets loose.

“Mr Greenburg. Sheldon. Believe me I did not come here to embarrass anyone. I’m quite sure left to your own devices you’d get to the bottom of this! Anyone can see that you’re a bright, perceptive man, I mean a fascinating personality. Why, I can even see you inspiring a character in my next book!”

Sheldon is delighted, and offers his assistance.

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN.

To celebrate her newfound awesomeness, JB rings up the inspector for a meeting. She doesn’t want to be seen, though, so he suggests the lookout at Turtle Bay. When she goes to get a taxi however, Michael Hegarty pulls up in his Bugatti Veyron Ford and offers her a lift. As they cruise off into the sunset, another car follows. CUE SURVEILLANCE MUSIC.

As they speed past the turn-off for Turtle Bay, JB smells a rat and demands to be let out of the car. Michael Hegarty points out that they’re being followed, and with some deft driving he loses their tail. It’s time for some mutual interrogation.

Hegarty admits to knowing Antoinette, and in fact knows more about Antoinette than most people, i.e that she was married twice, not once. JB points out that the marriage to Leon Spinks was not common knowledge, and Hegarty counters that not only is it not common knowledge but his name is even less well-known. Then he plays his trump card – he’s met Margurite Canfield, and YOU”RE NOT MARGURITE CANFIELD WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?

JB is saved by her turban the arrival of a policeman – the Inspector wants her at once.There’s been another murder. It seems her cover has been well and truly blown. (And by cover I actually mean cover).

Sad to say that JB’s new pal Alva Crane has been done in, and her jewels stolen. The inspector is convinced that this proves his theory that they are dealing with a professional jewel thief, but Our Heroine is convinced that he’s wrong. She claims that Alva’s jewellery that she was wearing in the casino was all fake. They go to visit Sheldon and take a peek in Alva’s safe deposit box, but there’s no jewellery there. Sheldon has his own theory – he claims his boss Eric Brahm has been trying to get some money together PLUS he liked flirting with all the ladies. The inspector politely reminds him that it’s a police matter, and Sheldon says screw that, I’m hotel security, I’m a player.

This is how I imagine Paul Blart Mall Cop must start.

ANYWAY. JB decides to test out Sheldon’s theory and asks Eric if Alva had any financial troubles but it turns out she was rolling in it. She goes back to her hotel room but is rudely interrupted by Michael Hegarty going through her mail. She threatens to call the Inspector and he comes clean. Michael Hegarty used to work for British intelligence but now he works freelance – including for Antoinette’s father. It turns out Antoinette had a baby to her first husband, but was forced to give it up. A baby girl…who grew up and won a contest she didn’t remember entering, courtesy of the grandfather she didn’t know she had.

JB has a brainwave. She thinks Antoinette and Sven Torvald had a little something something going on, and if he found out Veronica was her daughter then he might start working hard for the money. They rush to the marina just in time to meet Veronica and Sven – turns out sailing wasn’t code, they actually went sailing. Sailing, and getting engaged. Michael Hegarty informs him that they know he had a fling with Antoinette, and that the wedding is just going to have to wait. Sven reacts sensibly by jumping in the water.

Down at the police station Sven admits that Antoinette had told him he had a daughter, but he didn’t know it was Veronica until they all met again on the island. So, he seized the opportunity, but he claims he didn’t kill her. Whatevs, man.

Unfortunately, Sven is proven right. JB digs out his passport and realises that he wasn’t on the island when the first attempted jewel theft happened. Sheldon is convinced that Eric Brahm is the thief, but it turns out he has an alibi – he was getting bizay with Myrna St Clare.

That only leaves one person. And JB has just worked out who it is…

Crap cop gone bad.

Someone wasn’t happy storing jewellery in his office. He wanted it for himself, but was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY THWARTED.

There you have it gang. Veronica jets off to meet her grandfather (and her inheritance), and Michael Hegarty promises JB that she’ll be seeing him again. Something tells me he’s right. (And by something I mean IMDB).

But until then…

See you next week Fletcherfans!

S01E14 – My Johnny Lies Over The Ocean

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Alright Fletcherfans? This week starts off on a little bit of a downer, but hang in there because I’m going to make your day.

This week, Jess goes to the aid of her niece Pamela, in a sanotarium and recently widowed after her husband Johnny committed suicide. We also get to meet JB’s brother Marshall, who is a surgeon. (Fun fact – JB’s maiden name is McGill. You’ll thank me when this comes up in a pub trivia night). I am pleased to report neither Marshall nor Pamela are as lame as Grady.

Awwwwwwwww!

To take Pamela’s mind off her troubles, Jess books them on a cruise. What could possibly go wrong? Along with JB and her niece on the cruise are a husband and wife team and two crazy ladies in their forties, both of whom I will no doubt turn out to be like.

About five minutes into the cruise and Pam is in tears again over her husband – she tells Jess that she never knew her husband’s secrets; his money troubles or the fact that he was adopted. Ever the sensible one, Jess calms her down. Pam gives her Johnny’s suicide note to read but before she can do so, there’s a knock at the door.

(I know, this is all very serious. Stick with me kids okay?)

Right, so, knock at the door – it’s Ramone the steward bearing an outrageous Italian accent and a bottle of champagne. The accent is for Our Heroine, the champagne is for Pamela with a note from her dead husband wishing ‘Pepper’ bon voyage.

AWKWARD.

At dinner time, and the two forty-something ladies are bribing maitre d’s so that they can sit near an Oklahoma Cattle King (which I’m assuming is some sort of code for Sex God).

Every day that I don’t own that pink outfit is a day without sunshine.

While they hustle in on the cattle dude, Jess and Pam are about to have a quiet dinner, despite the interruption of the husband half of the husband and wife team I mentioned earlier.  Despatching them with aplomb (as opposed to a plum, which would have been amazingly awesome and a little weird), Jess eyes off the local hot nerd as potential fodder for her niece.

Life Lesson #26 – there is never a bad time to hook your niece up with a hot nerd.

Life Lesson #26, there is never a bad time to hook your niece up with a hot nerd. Pamela accuses her aunt of trying to fix her up, to which Jess is horribly affronted/distracted by the hot nerd.

I have no caption for this still. I mean, look at it.

Matchmaking to the side, JB ready to order some grub before Pam freaks out again. Someone has slipped an added dish onto the menu – her late husband’s favourite and a dish Pam invented.

MORE AWKWARD.

While Pam goes to lie down, the Fletch gets on the case and goes to see the bursar, to find out who sent the champagne. The bursar, who looks like she’s auditioning for The Love Boat, tells her that the champagne was ordered anonymously by someone on board the boat. JB takes a look at the note, and the handwriting is almost match Johnny’s suicide note. Could it be that a Murder She Wrote/X-Files crossover special isn’t just a figment of my imagination. Jess goes back to the cabin to make sure the champagne isn’t poisoned.

Life Lesson #27 – It’s important to be thorough.

Meanwhile, Pam is out on deck taking in the air, when she starts to hear the voice of her dead husband. She goes to investigate, and is pushed down the stairs. I hate it when ghosts do that. Superman comes to her rescue and takes her to the ships doctor for a checkup, and to be interrogated by the ship’s captain.

Interogated? Surely you can’t be serious?

I’m awarding myself a million points for this.

LESLIE NIELSEN IS RUNNING THIS MOFO! LESLIE! NIELSEN!

Alright, I’m calm. Even though all I want to do now is watch Airplane, and Dracula Dead and Loving It, and Naked Gun, I’ll continue.

Jess fills The Captain in on the shenanigans taking place on his ship. He is aghast, but JB has a plan. Because she only booked the cruise at the last minute, they can narrow down the list of suspects to people who booked after she did. BRILLIANT. The Captain fishes out his list, and discovers that narrows the field to just 12 suspects. Handy! Fortunately for everyone on board, Leslie Nielsen is much better at taking orders from Jess than every other person in the history of the show, and so he agrees to have one of his men keep a close eye on Pamela for the rest of the voyage.

And by keep a close eye, I think you know what I mean…

Insert Seamen joke here.

Pamela doesn’t greet this news with the excitement I would Jess hoped for. “Relax!” She tells her niece. “Enjoy him!”

JESSICA FLETCHER YOU ARE MY HERO.

Despite the constant temptations of Officer Morely and Superman, Jess has a case to solve. Smoothly leaving Pamela in the care of Superman, with Officer Morely tagging along behind, Jess goes to make some enquiries. It turns out that Johnny’s birth mother made contact right before he died, but they never met. She calls her brother and gets him on the trail.

Working on this theory, Jess has four suspects on board the ship – the two women I mentioned earlier, the wife in the husband-and-wife team, and the purser who is auditioning to be on the Love Boat. With a narrow suspect list, our heroine should be able to wrap this one up in no time, leaving me to go and You Tube clips from Airplane! right?

Well, maybe, if she hadn’t been accosted by Ramone the steward, who was very disappointed not to see JB at the dance the previous night. He begs her for a dance tonight, and offers to show Our Heroine his hoochie-cooch.

Is hoochie-cooch code for penis? Have your say in the comments…

Not to be distracted by Ramone and his hoochie-cooch, JB barrels on. Pamela is still doing laps of the boat with Superman, but their romantic stroll is cut short with a page for ‘Pepper’ to go to the bursar’s office coming over the loudspeaker. This is the final straw for Pam, who marches into the office and demands satisfaction an explanation. Instead, she receives a telex from Johnny, saying ’til death do us part’.

Her response I think is a fair one. She passes out. (I thought about it, actually. I’d forgotten telexes even existed. Yay 80s technology!)

Putting Pam safely in the hospital bay, JB and the Captain decide to play Good Cop/Bad Cop on the bursar to see if she’s Johnny’s birth mother. It all comes to nothing, as it turns out that she was trying to get on the cruise to get away from her boyfriend and his wife.

Ahem.

It wasn’t a total waste, actually. Ramon informs the Good Cop/Bad Cop that the secretaries (and my fashion heroes) are having lunch, but Doctor Reed, the fourth suspect is not in her room. As he leaves, he rubs his moustache at Jess. Is that his hoochie-cooch?

I think we all know what THAT means…

Drunk on his role as Bad Cop, The Captain is pumped to go and interrogate the two ladies having lunch, but after some ego stroking and downright flattery, JB manages to go alone. Alas, the secretaries are a bust too – they are only on the cruise after their boss threatened to take their leave away if they didn’t use some up. Now there’s a story I recognise…wait, where was I?

Right, so, with the secretaries striking out, Jess is left with Doctor Reed. After running into her husband George in the dining room, they go back to the cabin – only to find her full of booze and sleeping pills. Also full of death.

Case closed? I can go and watch Naked Gun right? Doctor Reed had all the incriminating evidence in her suitcase, and a phone call from Marshall confirms that she was Johnny’s birth mother.

Case not closed. Jess has her suspicions about this George fellow. And when she catches him in a lie, about his wife’s photographic ability, her suspicions are confirmed. This was no suicide. And with absolutely no help from The Captain, she’s got to go it alone.

Later that night, George gets a knock on the door…

Life Lesson #28 – When all else fails, get shitfaced.

Our Heroine, apparently after testing all the champagne on the boat for poison, goes and confronts George directly. (Seriously guys, I have tried to find this scene on YouTube, but it’s not there. Trust me when I tell you that this is THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION).

Jess tells George that in the morning she is going to give police proof that his wife wasn’t behind Pamela’s stalking. PHWOAR THIS IS GETTING EXCITING. She slams the door on him and staggers off into the night, George in pursuit. I’m not entirely sure his intentions are noble…

After chasing Our Heroine along the deck, George finally makes his move. But, in a move The Rock would be proud of, JB flips him over her head and stands on his chest. Out of nowhere Pam appears and takes some photos, closely followed by…Jess? But then who is in the Dick Tracey outfit?

Expect Henry Cavill to do something similar in Man of Steel next year…

Like the true boss that she is, JB FAKED drunk in order to obtain information (addendum to Life Lesson #27), then swapped with Superman to get the proof that she needed that George killed his wife.

YOU’VE BEEN FLETCHERED, MOFO.

Another case neatly tied up by Our Heroine. I can’t believe I wanted this episode wrapped up so I could go and watch Airplane!

Speaking of which…

Later, Fletcherfans!

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