S02E12 – Murder By Appointment Only

Fletcherfans. I have bad news.

Look who’s back.

ARGH WHYYYY

Urgh. Grady is trying to get a job at Lila Lee Cosmetics, owned by his friend Todd’s father and aunt. For the record, Lila Lee is one sassy cape-wearer.

Man do I have cape envy right now…

Lila is sassing up the place in preparation for the Lila Lee Sales convention, while her brother Norman tries to do damage control. Meanwhile, Norman and Todd aren’t getting on because Norman is marrying someone half his age and Norman’s secretary is hating on everyone except Norman. My what a tangled web, etc etc.

By the way, Norman Amberson? Been in every TV show ever conceived by man.

Hey! It’s that guy!

Anyway. in a fortuitous set of circumstances, JB happens to run into Norman’s bit of fluff (who seems to have also caught the attention of some guy) and it turns out Elizabeth was a former student of Our Heroine. Huh.  JB gives Elizabeth the third degree – “Are you married? Do you have a career? Are you still writing?” to which Elizabeth says “No, no, no.”  Of all these things, JB finds the fact that Elizabeth stopped writing the most horrifying of all… Life Lesson #42! 

Norman appears and invites Jess to dine with them that evening – Jess has already checked out of her hotel, but decides it would be a good idea to spend a bit of time with Grady. God only knows why. Norman and Jess are interrupted by his secretary Glenda, with things to sign.

Later that night, Norman and Jess wait for Elizabeth at dinner, but she doesn’t show. A quick trip to her apartment reveals that it is completely trashed and Elizabeth is going to be more than a little bit late. By which I mean she’s dead.  New York’s finest, led by Lieutenant Varick are almost positive it’s a burglary but Our Heroine suspects otherwise. Mainly because someone tagged the painting with some lipstick and for some reason that’s important.

The fact tbat this episode wasn’t called Ding Dong Murder Calling will always be a travesty

Meanwhile, Grady is at home pretending to be rich while on the phone to Todd. Yeah, I don’t know either. He offers JB a choice of a lumpy bed or a soft couch, and AMAZINGLY JB chooses the couch. He also makes her a cup of tea, which is of course a success.

LOL J/K he’s crap at that too,

The next day JB gets her sleuth on and finds out that Elizabeth had been living in her swanky Park Avenue apartment since before she got together with Norman, although Todd seems to think that his Dad was still footing the bill while his wife was still alive.  She gets Grady to track down another old student that Elizabeth mentioned she kept in touch with to find out more information about Elizabeth’s secretive life. I swear to God she’d better turn out to be a spy or a demon hunter or something…

Meanwhile, Grady shows off how clever he is. He can use a pen and a telephone at the same time!

Kudos for the G-Dawg

Our Heroine has no time for congratulations though. Lila Lee has been made aware of JB’s presence and would like to make her the official Lila Lee representative for all of Cabbage Cove. After all, JB is some sort of writer and must have debts she can’t pay or a little something extra she can’t afford, like extra pencils.

Yeah.

I guess you could say she is Li-lacking. But you wouldn’t because that would be terrible.

JB finds Elizabeth’s former employer, Fiona Keeler of Fiona Keeler Secretarial Placements (formerly Lady B in this episode), to get the skinny on Elizabeth’s life. Turns out ‘Secretarial Placements’ is code for placements of another sort – Elizabeth was a high class call girl.

Damn. I really thought demon hunter. (This is what happens when you watch Supernatural for three days straight) Anyway, Fiona reveals that Elizabeth had another love before Norman – an actor or a cab driver or something. JB wonders if Norman knew about Elizabeth’s choice of career. She goes to ask him that very question and he tells her he’d known since practically the beginning. Glenda the secretary turns up and orders him off to the hotel spa, which gives Jess the chance to ask her about one of the bills she’d gotten Norman to sign the day before – it was a receipt for an exclusive menswear shop, and while Norman had dismissed it as a birthday present, Glenda is convinced it’s proof Elizabeth had a little something something on the side, since Norman’s birthday isn’t for months.

Seriously, this would have been so much better if she’d been a demon hunter.

Determined to find out the identity of the mystery man, JB enlists the help of Grady to go and find out who was the recipient of the gift. Amazingly he manages to not screw up (but only just) and gets a name. Roger Adiano, who happens to be an actor darlink, as well as the guy who Elizabeth spotted in the hotel foyer back when I still cared. (Imagine if Angela Lansbury was a demon hunter. With Jerry Orbach as her sidekick. Holy crap that would be fierce). Anyway, Roger tells JB that while he has Latin blood from three different countries in his veins (?), he didn’t kill Elizabeth.

Back at Casa de Grady a messenger has just dropped off the Lila Lee Lady Kit for Jessica – turns out “I’ll cabbage you’ wasn’t a definitive no in Lila’s book. Grady notices one of the lipsticks and thinks it might be the one used to tag the painting – because apparently we still care about that – but JB points out its too pink. A study of the inventory reveals a number missing from the list. Apparently, this wants checking out. (Meanwhile, I’m mentally recasting Supernatural with Angela Lansbury and Jerry Orbach, because that would be WAAAY more entertaining than this episode. I blame Grady).

So. JB dresses up as a Lila Lee lady and gatecrashes the lab, and finds out that that particular shade of lipstick was removed from sale and destroyed, except one tube which was taken by a photographer to use on a shoot, which was then confiscated by Lila Lee in a hissy fit and so was given to the killer.

 

And by killer I mean

Believe it or not…

Somebody didn’t like that his prostitute girlfriend was doing a little something something with a wannabe actor. Sheesh. But lets not dwell on that. Let’s just celebrate getting to the end of a Grady episode without throwing anything out the window.

Huzzah!

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

S02E11 – Murder Digs Deep

After last weeks depressing episode I’m quite keen for something a little more upbeat, how about you Fletcherfans?  How does JESSICA FLETCHER AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM sound? If you answered “Unlikely” then you’re mostly right and clearly have a firmer grip on reality than I do.

Our Heroine is New Mexico, volunteering on an archaeological dig with her purely platonic friend Doc Hazzlitt (seriously, does anyone actually believe that?) being overseen by Gideon Armstrong, or as he’s better known, this guy:

You might know Robert Vaughn from The Man From U.N.C.L.E or his recent work on Coronation Street. Or, you’re like me and you know him from BASEketball and now you’re saying “I hear your Mom is going out with Squeak” and giggling to yourself.

Jess is there to help out, and to research a book. Although I think she may be having second thoughts…

EW.

Seth and JB aren’t the only schmucks out digging up bones in the desert. There’s Karen Parkes and Steve Gamble, two postgrad interns looking for extra credit (we’ve all been there, amirite?), their supervisor Doctor Steve Garfield who thinks they’re digging for a lost city of gold, fame-seeker Doctor Aubrey Benton who thinks he can make the most money if they find the lost city of gold, Raymond Twocrows, the expert on Native American stereotypes tribes, and Gideon’s newest model wife Cynthia.

Later that night when they are all sitting around eating dinner they are rudely interrupted by a Native American standing on the hill above them, dancing and chanting. Karen informs JB that he appears at the same time every night, trying to scare them away from the dig, but by the time the guards get up to him he is gone. Forget Indiana Jones, this episode is a Great Dane away from becoming an episode of Scooby Doo.

The next morning Seth decides to get the jump on JB (heh heh) and does a little detecting of his own by asking Raymond what Anasasi means and where he was when the Ghostly Spectre of Doom. Raymond responds with “The Great Builders”  and with skulking off, which are both incorrect answers. JB has no time to scold Seth for stepping on her sleuthing territory, she’s just uncovered a – thing. Honestly, I’m not sure what it is, lets call it the Panflute of Destiny, based on the music when she finds it. Oh, it’s not a pan flute, its a prayer stick. Anyway, Doctor Garfield and Doctor Benton are beside themselves, Gideon is more concerned with how much he can make from it.

It’s a very subdued dinner that evening, despite JB showing everyone how to find things in the ground like a boss. The Ghostly Spectre of Doom appears right on time for his nightly performance, which a drunk Cynthia Armstrong takes exception to, and so decides to bring the curtains down on the whole thing by shooting at him. Much to everyone’s surprise, she actually hits and he falls out of view. They run to the scene and find the body of Raymond Twocrows. Awkward. Seth helpfully points out that Raymond wasn’t shot, but  presumably died after falling from the top of the hill.

Gideon calls an emergency dig meeting, to try and put aside any vicious nasty rumours about his wife killing Raymond accidentally or otherwise. To get them on-side he offers them all a share in any profits made from the treasure they dig up. SMOOTH MOVE GIDEON! When Doctor Benton goes to radio for the police, however, Gideon gently removes the plug. He doesn’t want reporters crawling over the site until they have something to show them that isn’t a corpse.

The following morning JB and Seth team up for a little sededuction which I will reenact with some helpful screenshots:

After that little reenactment (that amused me way more than it ought to), JB sends Seth off to look at the body again, since clearly he didn’t die from falling three feet, while Our Heroine has breakfast with Doctor Benton to suss out some information on Raymond. She has little luck – it turns out Gideon hired him, not Benton, who has an indecent proposal of his own – he would like JB to ghost write his memoirs.

Direct quote: “I’m speechless”

JB runs into Seth back at the dig, and he has news: Raymond didn’t die from falling , he died from drowning. Which, in a desert, makes him either very unlucky or an extra in an episode of CSI I remember.

Jess reacts well to this news:

You’re welcome!

Jess bets Seth that the police haven’t been called, and decide to drive into town themselves but are thwarted by Armstrong’s minions who tell them that Armstrong has ordered that no one is to leave the site.  When they go to confront him about it he brushes them off, but is surprised to hear that Raymond drowned and that the fall was staged. He tells them he was with Doctor Benton at the time, but is interrupted by Doctor Garfield rushing in to announce they’ve found more gold.

JB has a quiet word with Doctor Benton and he finally admits that he wasn’t with Armstrong. A search of Raymond’s belongings reveals books on Native Americans borrowed by Raymond DeMarco – “One of those Indians from Naples!’ says Seth – from the same university where Karen and Steve study and Doctor Garfield teaches. They also find Raymond’s boots covered in mud, giving Jess an idea. She hightails it out of the tent, followed by a very confused Seth, and heads out into the desert. While Seth pontificates on the existence of tumbleweeds, JB disappears. Seth finds a cave entrance and goes in, hesitantly calling Jess’s name. Suddenly he hears Native American chanting.

So…the Ghostly Spectre of Doom was really a tape player, eh? Not only have they found where Raymond was murdered, but they also find crates of Native American artefacts from the university. Say what? Don’t panic, Our Heroine is starting to figure it out…

Back at camp JB overhears Karen and Steve fighting. It turns out Karen was trying to get away from Armstrong at the same time his wife was taking potshots at the “ghost”. JB goes to see Armstrong and brings him to the dig site to prove her point. He’s been “flim-flammed”. (Life Lesson #41 – People aren’t conned, they’re flim-flammed). The artefacts were put there to be found, to jack up the price of the land that Armstrong was hoping to buy before anyone else could find out what he’d found.

But by who?

To be fair, the hair was a bit suspicious…

Turns out Cynthia killed Raymond after he threatened to expose her little plan to bleed her husband dry. Fortunately for her she had Doctor Garfield to help her drag the body up the cliff, dress up as the Ghoulish Ghost of Doom and then throw Raymond off the cliff. And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for them meddling kids.

And by meddling kids…

Later gang!

S02E10 – Sticks and Stones

I have bad news Fletcherfans.

Sheriff Amos Tupper is retiring!

I have worse news Fletcherfans.

Look who is replacing him:

Local real estate tycoon becomes sheriff. Seems legit.

Fortunately for the people of Cabot Cove, the most recent death to hit the crime capital of the universe appears to be a straightforward accident. Beverley Gareth was electrocuted, after trying to fix her TV and have a bath at the same time. You know, that old story. Amos is relieved, and tells Harry not even Mrs Fletcher could make a murder out of this one.

You just don’t say things like that Amos, have you learned nothing?

Jess is at home, being talked at by town busybody Edna while Doc Hazzlitt is trying to fix JB’s toaster. And by toaster…nah, I actually mean toaster. Adding to the chaos,  travel writer Michael Digby has just arrived on the door step, all set to put Cabot Cove on the map.

The next day, Amos celebrates his retirement by going fishing, while Jess shows Michael around Cabot Cove. Something strange is happening in town – people are receiving mysterious gossipy letters and the townsfolk are getting a bit uppity. Jess shows Michael where the lighthouse used to be, until it burned down the year before. Now the land is about to be redeveloped, now that the former owner and current corpse Beverly Garrett has sold the land. Not that this information will have any bearing on the case at hand, since her death was an accident.

Jess is interrupted mid-exposition by Edna arriving to give her a Cabot Cove Kiss – a whack in the head with a handbag.

COME AT ME

Edna orders JB to stay away from her husband and flounces off, leaving JB somewhat mystified.

Edna’s a little cray-cray

Back at home, Amos is loving retirement when the postman arrives with a letter so outrageous that Amos marches down to Harry Barnes at the sheriffs office to make his feelings known. Harry simply adds it to the pile.

Down at the docks Jess pays a visit to local repairman Larry Burns (no relation to Mr Burns, despite my first thought). He and Jess both wonder why they haven’t received letters yet, before Beverly’s boyfriend Adam arrives to accuse Larry of murder. He fixed her TV the week before she died, but Larry swears there was nothing wrong with the cord when he gave it back to her. Drunk Adam is out for blood, but is swiftly thrown in the harbour by Nils the Fisherman, who I’ve just decided should have been Sheriff.

Harry’s got a lot on his plate. The letters are piling up, he’s got a drunk in the cells and now a lady named Elvira has just walked in bellowing that she’s just been threatened by “that hairy foreigner I rent my downstairs to”.

Let the record show that my reaction wasn’t that dissimilar.

One of Harry’s minions arrives and drops off some more letters and Elvira goes pale, saying “But I only sent one!” She refuses to say who for, or what was in it, and then runs out.

“Sheriff Tupper told me that nothing ever happens in this town.” Laments Harry.

Heehee

Harry calls in the big gun for assistance, and JB is happy to oblige. Not wanting to feel left out, Amos comes along too. Reading the letters doesn’t seem to yield many clues, and since Harry threw the envelopes out they can’t get much from those. All they know is that the letters were all postmarked Cabot Cove. Amos finds his letter again in the pile – it says that the lighthouse was deliberately burned down, and tells Amos to ask himself who would benefit most from that?

JB jumps in before Amos can actually ask himself that question. Beverley got a lot of money from the sale of the land, but her alibi for the fire was solid. Plus, she’s dead. Jess turns her attention to the planning commissioners who okayed the land for development. Maybe they got a little more out of the deal than they thought?

After dinner with Michael-the-travel-writer JB decides to pay a call on Elivra, to see if she can find out why Elvira acted so strangely about the letters. Instead she finds Elvira has committed suicide. While she waits for Harry to arrive Jess snoops around Elvira’s apartment, and finds a suicide note and some pain medication. Jess starts to suspect this may not be a suicide after all.  Her suspicions are confirmed the next morning, when Doc Hazlitt gets the results back – Elivra had severe arthritis, which would make her hanging from a tree until dead seem a little impossible.

The next morning JB goes to visit Edna, who has calmed down since the Great Bag Thumping. She tells JB that Elvira used to work for Beverley’s father a long time ago, and was very close to Beverley. So close, Jess mumbles, that she might be trusted to send an anonymous letter to Sheriff Tupper, for example. Down on the docks Harry has taken it upon himself to arrest Larry Burns for Elvira’s death – apparently someone saw them fighting the day she died, but Larry swears Elvira was just pissed at the way he’d fixed her lamp.

Naturally Jess thinks Harry has got it all wrong, and hatches a plan of her own. She enlists Michael to go down to the bar and keep an eye on the three developers while she has a poke around Beverley’s place. She hears footsteps and quickly hides, but a light upstairs and a tiny hole in the floor of the bathroom reveal her co-snooper is Amos, who was just in the neighbourhood.

Jess is convinced that Beverly was also murdered – the hole in the floor of the bathroom was in the perfect spot to see the bath, the power point and was in easy reach of the fuse box. They are very nearly caught in the act by Beverly’s boyfriend Adam but he is neutralised by a clunk on the head from Amos.

Back at the Sheriff’s office Harry Barnes has Adam put in the cells with Larry and Elvira’s hairy foreigner, who was busted trying to skip town. He’s convinced one of them did it, but he’s just not sure who. Jess is sure it isn’t any of them, and is starting to think the crazy letters were all a way for the killer to try and throw people off the scent of the one true ring anonymous letter – the one sent to Amos about the lighthouse fire. While she sits around her kitchen table talking it out with Doc Hazlitt and Amos she suddenly remembers Michael, still at the pub trying to stall the developers from developing anything.  A quick phone call to the bar reveals that Michael has done an amazing job of staying sober, but hasn’t learned much. The developers were out of town when the lighthouse burned down, but they could have paid someone to do it. Apparently they paid a massive finders fee to some real estate guy in town, but Michael wasn’t sure who.

Jess tells him to let one of the developers prise some information out of him, but not to make it too difficult. He staggers back to the table and slurs out that JB is on her way to Beverly’s house to prove that the fire was deliberate. The developers put in a quick call to their sidekick as a heads up. Meanwhile, JB is sitting in the basement waiting for the fly to enter her web.

And after awhile, he does. Oh dear.

He’s creepy and he’s kooky, and also guilty of multiple homicides. 😦

At first he tries to bluster his way out of it, but JB is relentless. She tearfully explains how she worked it out. In reply, Harry draws his gun on her, but Amos, Seth and a deputy emerge from the shadows and take him away. “You don’t know how much I wanted to be wrong,” says Jess, sadly.

OW MY HEART.

I hate ending on a downer, so here’s Life Lesson #40: be wary of hairy foreigners renting out your downstairs.

Later gang

 

And now, a word from our sponsor

Fletcherfans!

Did you know Murder, She Blogged is on Facebook? Apparently if I get 30 likes on there Facebook says something will happen, which I assume means some sort of delicious pie. Help me get pie!

As you were.

S02E09 – Jessica Behind Bars

Every time I say the title of this episode, the music from the Dramatic Hamster video plays in my head. True story.

As you may have guessed, this week’s episode is set in the slammer, and not actual bars as some of us I hoped. JB is off to the West Barrington Institute for Women (a much more official way of saying lady jail) to substitute teach a class while the regular teacher is off sick. As you can see, there’s nowhere Our Heroine would rather be on a dark and stormy night

Still beats going to see Grady, AMIRITE?

JB is met by warden Elizabeth Gates, Deputy Warden Amanda Debs, Official Prisoner Welcoming Committee member Mary Stamm (previously seen here, make your own jokes about going from Washington to jail), and Doctor Irene Matthews, who doesn’t seem to be pleased about anything, least of all the warden for reasons that I’m sure will become clear.

As Mary escorts JB to the classroom, JB praises the short story Mary wrote. Mary confesses she’s always wanted to be a writer and JB tells her it’s never too late, and that she’s living proof. Mary points out that JB didn’t have to get past the parole board and JB pffts at that, asking Mary “Why, what are you in for?”

“I murdered my husband”. Says Mary.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

A little anxious about teaching a flock of hardened criminals about how to write, JB comes up with a sure fire way to win her students over.

Life Lesson #38 – There is never an inappropriate way to win over a group of people

Job well done, JB tells them how much she enjoyed their stories, and singles Mary out again, but she’s not there. She sneaks out of the class and goes to visit her friend Suzie who is sick in the infirmary. For reasons that I’m sure will become clear later on, Mary has a key to the infirmary, and to the Doctor’s office, where she steals the key to the pharmacy to get some medication for her friend. JAILBREAK FAIL.

Before she can sneak out of Dr Matthews’s office, the Doctor returns, forcing Mary to hide in the next room. A guard walking past the office hears Dr Matthews typing on her typewriter and knocks on the door. In response, the riot alarm goes off and the prison goes into lockdown. (Understandable really, I’ve often wished I could do that to avoid people I didn’t want to speak to).

The warden is called, and she comes running along with her deputy and a couple of guards. Doctor Matthews is on the floor, dead. The warden orders a search of the neighbouring rooms, Mary tries to make a run for it and fails dismally.

Now, for reasons that I’m sue will become clear later on the prisoners of East Barrington Institute for Women are free to just roam about, so when they find out that the Warden has the Doctor’s murder pinned on Mary a riot breaks loose. The prisoners take the Warden, the Deputy Warden and JB hostage, and then proceed to bicker about their demands. Seriously, it’s just like all the episodes of Prisoner that I haven’t seen. Most of the prisoners want the charges against Mary dropped, and for conditions at the prison to improve (which I’m sure we’ve all said about our jobs from time to time), but a smaller group have decided this is a prime opportunity to get the hell out of Dodge.

For the record, here is their leader:

And 98% cliché

They start fighting over whether they should spring Mary from the prison, before Louise the prison librarian has a brainwave – they need someone the police can trust to resolve this brouhaha.

Still better than an evening with Grady

Our Heroine doesn’t waste time. She goes to the scene of the crime, finds a sterile swab under the desk, guesstimates that the doctor died of respiratory failure after a massive injection of morphine, and convinces Scary Lady to get the vial tested for prints. She asks the Warden how she thinks the doctor met her untimely demise, and the Warden give a long and borderline hysterical account of what she thinks happened. Jess asks her who else came to search the offices after the body was found and discovers the prison cook was one of the first on the scene, so off they all troop to interrogate her.

They find the cook knocking back a beer in the kitchen, which is the first sensible thing any one has done this episode. While the prisoners riot their way through the pantry JB samples the local cuisine.

(Seriously, what were the odds of getting to do this twice in a row?)

They ask the cook how she came to be in the locked corridor and after she lies, they investigate the back stairs and find the driver of a grocery truck hiding in the basement. Ah yes, says JB. I saw your truck when I arrived.

The cook tells Our Heroine that she thought it would be safest for Mrs Mimms the grocer to hide, to avoid capture. “She has you to thank for this honey.” says the cook.

WORD

The whole riot lockdown mode seems to have the Cook off the hook, so to speak, but Kat the Scary Prisoner has made up her mind. There’s only one person who can get through the riot locks, and that’s the warden. Ergo, the Warden is the killer. (Not a direct quote).

Now we must pause for a moment and BASK:

You’re welcome.

Scary Kat decides to hold a mock trial to convict the Warden of the murder of the Doctor, but Mary steps in before they can get crazy with the shotguns.  A phone call from the outside informs Jess that a) the morphine was diluted and b) there were two sets of fingerprints on the vial – Mary’s and an unknown set. This sets Scary Kat off again, and she orders a cell by cell search to find the killer. JB hurries back to make sure that Mrs Mimms the grocer is safe. On the way to the classroom the lights go out and someone screams. By the time they get there, Mrs Mimms is no more. The Warden accuses Mary, who runs off, Scary Kat accuses the Warden and JB tells them all to chill.

Jess finds Mary in the infirmary with her friend, and demands to know how she got the key to the infirmary. Mary tells her that Dr Matthews gave her the key so that she was able to type up the Doctor’s reports. Apparently Doctor Matthews wasn’t so good with the whole ‘taking care of patients’ thing. Or the not diluting medicine thing it would seem.

Any further conversation is cut short by news that Scary Kat is off her tree again, and planning to shoot her way out of the prison using the Warden as a human shield. JB calms them down and they burst into song.

JB finally interrogates the Warden, who refuses to explain why she just happened to have the riot key on her, but JB’s worked it out. She was on her way to see Suzie in the infirmary, to talk about the dodginess that was going on in the prison. JB gets on the phone to the outside world to see if they’ve matched the second set of prints on the vial of morphine yet. The answer is no, and Scary Kat arrives to rip the phone from the wall and announce that they’re busting out. Again. Sheesh.

Never fear though. Our Heroine calms them down (again) and explains that she knows what happened.

Firstly, Doctor Matthews committed suicide. Well and good, say the prisoners, but why would someone want to make a suicide look like a murder?

Someone who needed to escape. Because she was about to be found out. For twenty years worth of corruption and embezzlement.

Debs of Death is also the reason I never wanted to do the whole Deb Ball thing. True story, probably.

Apparently it all came about after Debs was rejected for a promotion again. But whatever, really.

Until next week…

Later, Fletcherfans