S10E19 – Roadkill


JB is at mission control this week Fletcherfans, where she’s researching her newest book about a space detective solving international crimes wait why isn’t that an actual thing?

Jessica is getting all the deets of the Apollo missions from Juan Ramez when a call comes in from Sam Mercer, making sure that JB is getting the full NASA experience and also to let Juan know that his computers are ready to be shipped. Guys, I’m not going to lie, I am hungover as all hell. Also the cat has deleted this like twice now, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Anyway, the computers are being shipped by Wayne Platte, the newly widowed husband of one of JB’s old friends. As he’s making the trip the truck gets hijacked by your nightmares.

That mask is fifty shades of hell no.

Meanwhile, at Willie’s Roadhouse, there’s a whole lot of Texas going on.

You’re the Good Ol Boys?????

Jess is escorted to her table by the aforementioned Willie to see Wayne’s son Rob perform. After the song, Rob comes down to greet Jess and his waitress girlfriend Cindy but is called away by a phone call about the hijacking. Rob and Jess rush to the scene and find Wayne battered and crotchety. Sheriff Jim Monday is on the case, but wonders why the hijackers targeted a truck in broad daylight on a main highway.

Also, the Sheriff is Hitchcock from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

God I knew he looked familiar.

Wayne explains he was hauling computers to NASA from Sam Mercer’s computer factory so they head on over there, where Sam Mercer is being played by Gary Lockwood from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Also sprach Zathafletcher.

Sam does not blame Wayne, but he’s worried. The NASA project is already behind, and if he can’t come through on the computers his company is in big trouble. He knows Wayne’s struggling too. Rob swears he never said a word, and wants to make sure that Plat Trucks can move the next shipment but Wayne declares he won’t accept handouts and he won’t ask for any either.

At home, Sheriff Monday wants to make sure Wayne doesn’t want to change his statement – he knows Wayne had his truck insured and would get a brand new one if it was stolen. Wayne is outraged. Later, Wayne confesses to JB that he’s in struggle town with the business. Jess asks what about Rob, but Rob is busy being a country and western star.

Meanwhile, the head hijacker is reporting to his boss – Willie from the roadhouse. She’s furious that they attacked Wayne and the hijacker – Randy Jinks – needs some help. Randy says he won’t work with anyone he can’t trust, and assumes Willie would not want him mentioning her name if he got arrested. She tells him she can make his life very uncomfortable in jail.

Randy vents his frustrations on his ex-wife Cindy, who isn’t having a bar of it. When it gets physical Rob steps in and the brawl only breaks up when Willie poor water on the both of them. Rob storms out to his truck, closely followed by Cindy, and it is revealed that Wayne doesn’t know about Rob’s relationship with Cindy the single mother.

In my defence, it’s not my fault the bartender was giving me jugs of cider instead of pints. Or that the Australia v France game was really close. I mean probably I didn’t need to drink the entire jug but whatever it’s fine.

Down at Platte Trucking HQ Wayne’s in a foul mood and his financial woes are going from bad to worse. Rob offers to ride shotgun to mitigate against insurance company cancelling their cover but Wayne spits it and storms into his office. Meg Thomas the office manager is worried about him.

Randy takes the computers to the local reseller who is impressed to see the Mercer towers, what with their 500 megabytes of ram and 10 gigaflops per second. They’re worth 19 grand on the street but the store owner knows full well they are stolen and won’t give randy more than 2900 each.

Out on the main street, Willie runs into Meg and reminds her that payment is due. Meg says she’ll get the money Friday and Willie tells her not to forget the late charge – it’s not her fault Wayne couldn’t pay Meg just as it wasn’t her fault Meg nabbed 20 grand from the trucking company. A smug Willie goes about her business, as a stranger gets off a bus and stares after her.

I don’t think we’re ready for this jelly.

Mr Moustache, aka Lance Taggart, pops round to see Willie at the roadhouse who isn’t enthused to see him and tells him to jog on.

Jess goes to see Monday and tells him that Juan confirmed the computers weren’t valuable to anyone outside NASA. Monday thinks this confirms his theory that Wayne staged the hijacking to collect on the insurance but JB ain’t buying it.

Rob decides the best way to tell his Dad about Cindy is if she’s his fiancee, so he ducks round and proposes. Jess asks Meg if Wayne had any enemies that might want him out of the way, or if he’d borrowed money from the wrong people. Meg baulks at the second question and says it might be possible. Jess spots a foam piece in the shape of a computer tower in the back of a truck and asks who it belongs to but Meg doesn’t know.

Back at the roadhouse, Randy ‘Hi’ Jinks thinks he’s a really clever boy. He tells Willie he couldn’t offload the TV’s they had so he’ll try and fence them in Houston. Also, hey this is Lance Taggart maybe he can help us. Willie orders him out and Lance tells her Randy took the TV’s for himself, she needs his help and all it will cost is 10% cut, 5% if he gets her too.

Ten per cent it is, says Willie.

That face! That hair!

Rob finally breaks the news to Wayne, who thinks it’s outrageous that his son is hooking up with a woman who cut and ran when things got tough (read: she got beat up). Rob hurls his keys at Wayne and tells him see ya never. Later, Wayne goes down to the roadhouse and offers Cindy money to back off. Good guy, Wayne. Willie thinks this is exactly the right time to hit on Wayne but he won’t have a bar of it.

Jess goes to see Wayne at Platte HQ to tell him about her theory regarding the hijacking but Wayne has an accident and is rushed off to hospital. Later that night he tells Meg to cancel the runs, he’s closing the business. Rob appears and tells him not to worry, he’ll do the run instead. Jess gets ready for bed and sees Wayne go out into the night.

Down at the roadhouse, Randy gets a call and agrees to get on to it. It turns out to be getting run over by the truck (and shout out to the mannequin they used to perform the stunt may it rest in pieces).

Jess is down at the Sheriff’s office learning that the truck she saw belonged to Randy Jinks when word gets out about the hit and run. They head down to the crime scene where Jess spots some blood and a TV repair receipt in Randy’s truck and Monday’s deputy finds part of a Platte logo on the road. They head over to Platte HQ where Rob declares he has nothing to hide and agrees to head down to the Sheriff’s office. Jess confronts Wayne about seeing him leave and he tells her he went to see his wife’s grave. Sam Mercer pops up and offers to pay for a lawyer but Wayne doesn’t accept charity but he will accept a lift into town.

Lance confronts Willie about the murder, and they accuse each other of killing Randy. Willie decides this means they are both in the clear. Lance still thinks it’s time he bails but Willie offers 15% (including her).

Jess takes herself down to the video/computer repair shop and tricks the smart repair guy into confessing that Randy was trying to sell him the NASA computers but they were faulty and worthless, even less than what Jess was told they were worth.

I won’t lie this image is less about the episode and more about my current status

Down at the Sheriff’s office, things are going bad to worse for Rob. The sticker places him at the scene, the tyre tracks place him at the scene, and forensics just pulled blood from the front of the truck. Jess goes to see Willie to get her thoughts on Randy running a hijacking ring but Willie tells her Randy needed help to tie his shoes. Willie is convinced that Rob and Randy were fighting over Cindy so Rob took a side trip on his run to kill Randy.

This gives JB an idea and she goes to Platte HQ to look at the trip logs and sure enough they’ve been messed with. Sheriff Monday is not convinced this gets Rob off the hook and Meg cracks and confesses to stealing the money, which she replaced with a loan from Willie. She also tells them that one time she was making a payment and she heard Randy talking about a warehouse but Willie shushed him. Jess sets up a sting to get Willie to lead them to the warehouse.

But she didn’t kill Randy and neither did Lance.

Let’s be honest the start of 2001 was a better representation of actual 2001 than the space bit

Something something faulty computers rorting NASA this hangover might actually kill me.

Later gang!




S07E14 – Who Killed JB Fletcher?


Shenanigans! Outrage! Fancy dogs! Someone is running around Texas pretending to be JB Fletcher!



This obvious doppelganger is on the Case of the Dog What Always Wins The Dog Show, and is breaking into the kennels to prove it. Unfortunately for Jessica Faux-tcher (nailed it), she didn’t take into consideration a little thing called a silent alarm and gets arrested. She’s bailed out the next morning by her friend Kit and her true identity is revealed – Marge Allen, mother of a state senator and so clearly can’t be seen getting arrested breaking into dog kennels. Marge gets Kit to drive her to her car, via the home of kennel owners the McAuleys. Marge returns a short time later to confront Lisa McAuley about the Blatant Outrage of Dog Related Corruption, but begins to scream when a bloodied hand opens a door. Or something.

Meanwhile, in New York City a news report comes on the television – JB Fletcher has been arrested for breaking and entering.

Sorry not sorry

Sorry not sorry

Reassured that she hasn’t been smoking peyote for 6 straight days,  JB gets on the phone to sort this out but local sheriff JT Tanner refuses to believe her, and says a split personality defence is between her and her lawyer.

Aren't we all.

Aren’t we all.

Exasperated, JB gets on the first train, plane and automobile to Bremerton, Texas.  Her first stop is the sheriff’s office, but the Sheriff is unmoved by her ID card, Cabot Cove library card and other odds and ends, saying Jessica Faux-tcher had the same ID card. Jessica sighs and asks for directions to the nearest bookshop.



The sheriff capitulates in the face of inescapable logic, and tells JB he’ll change the arrest record to ‘Jane Doe’. JB wants to know what happens next but the sheriff tells her he’ll take care of it. He does begrudgingly tell her name of the person who bailed out Jessica Faux-tcher, and Jess heads there next. She knocks on Kit’s front door and gets a response she probably wasn’t expecting…

I had this exact reaction when I saw the ads for Zumbo's Just Desserts

I had this exact reaction when I saw the ads for Zumbo’s Just Desserts

That’s nothing compared to what’s inside – the weekly meeting of the JB Fletcher Literary Appreciation Society (JBFLAS)



Stephen King has a lot to answer for

Stephen King has a lot to answer for

The literary society – Bertie, Kit, Florence, Jane and Caroline – want to know what JB is doing in town and she tells them about the arrest of Jessica Faux-tcher. Kit looks uncomfortable and tells the others that Marge was the one who got arrested, and had used her JB Fletcher ID so that her son wouldn’t find out.  JB is very interested in these Fletcher-IDs and demands they all give theirs up immediately (fair).

Kit tells JB about the Case of The Dog What Wins All The Time, and that Marge had cracked the case that morning. Jess goes to see Marge at home, but finds the house empty and a fresh newspaper on the path.


That escalated quickly.

That escalated quickly. (That report clearly written by Richard Wilkins)

Back at the headquarters of the society (or as it shall be ever known, JBFLASH), the news of Marge’s death is handled in varying ways.



According to the newspaper, Marge was killed when she lost control of her car. The rest of the JBFLAS call shenanigans – Marge drove that road regularly, there was no way she would have lost control. Jess wonders what Marge discovered at the MacAuley’s house and after a brief competition, Kit volunteers to drive her over.

They arrive at the MacAuley house to discover a wake in progress for Simon MacAuley, recently deceased after he was shot in the back by his dog, the sort of thing that could happen to anyone at any time obviously. The sheriff is surprised to see JB there and hopes that she’s not there to harass MacAuley’s widow Lisa. Kit introduces JB to local insurance salesman Mitchell Lawrence who is also surprised to see JB there on account of she’s dead. He asks them if they knew Simon well and Kit says they never met him. Mitchell says he’d known Simon for a long time, but they weren’t particularly close – Simon preferred dogs. (Understandable).

Mitchell excuses himself and JB tells  Kit she’s going to try and have a chat with Lisa McAuley. Kit declares she’s going to scope the room for anything unusual.



Jess wants to reassure Lisa that she wasn’t responsible for the break-in at the kennel, but Lisa doesn’t seem particularly bothered. Jess wonders what Marge could have been looking for and Lisa says there was only paperwork in there, nothing valuable. Jess goes on to say it must have been very upsetting to have Marge turn up at their house that morning looking for her husband, but Lisa says Marge was never there, and her reasons for breaking into the kennel will never be known – Lisa assumes that Marge must have been a crazy grey-haired loon, nothing more, though she is sorry to hear she died.

Jess takes her leave and finds Kit who reports that the sheriff was in an argument with Jethro from Beverly Hillbillies, and that she didn’t think the sheriff liked him all that much. JB thinks Lisa doesn’t like him either, but that they needed to leave before they out-lasted their welcome. Outside they run into Jethro again – turns out he is a state trooper who was hoping to start a canine unit with Simon’s help, but it never got anywhere.

Back at JBFLASH, Jess tells the ladies that Lisa lied about not seeing Marge, and that Jess might stick around for a couple of days, just to satisfy her curiosity. The ladies are delighted and immediately offer their assistance in solving the case.

JB is not on board with this plan.

JB is not on board with this plan.

Jess thanks the ladies, but thinks that she should take her suspicions to the proper authorities. Unfortunately for JB, the proper authorities think it’s all a load of codswallop and the sheriff informs JB that if there’s any investigating to be done, he will do it.

That night JB is dismayed to learn that her credit cards have been cancelled on account of she’s dead according to that one guy in the paper, which is totally legit and the sort of thing that happens all the time. Kit guesses that the local article was picked up by the wires and the news of JB’s untimely demise has gone across the country.

That Penny just dropped.

That Penny just dropped.

Kit takes JB back to her place for the night, where she calls Seth and Grady (ugh) to confirm that she’s not dead yet. A good nights sleep is in order, and in the morning she is borrowing a dog.

The next morning, Jess acquires a basset hound and a Texan accent and drops the dog off at the MacAuley kennels where the groomer, Rick, hasn’t got much to say on the subject of Simon’s untimely demise. Their next stop is to meet JBFLAS member Florence, incognito at a local restaurant, to find out what she’s learned from her husband at the coroner’s office. She shows them the autopsy report – Marge almost definitely wasn’t driving when she was killed, her glasses were in the glovebox. Florence, pleased with herself goes to have lunch with her husband, and JB notices another clue before Jethro wanders past. He asks about the contents of the envelope and Jess tells him its research for her new book.

“Oh,” says Jethro. “Are you a writer?”

shots fired

shots fired

Jess asks Jethro what he meant the previous day when he told Lisa MacAuley he offered his sympathies even under these circumstances. Jethro says he meant stupidity – no self-respecting hunter would leave a loaded rifle leaned up against a tree for a dog to knock over. JB goes to report her theory that Simon McAuley was shot by a person but the Sheriff orders her away from the case. Jess and Kit return to the kennels to pick up the dog, and discover Lisa and Rick have a little something something going on the side nudge nudge wink wink. Back at Kit’s house, they get a visit from the Sheriff – he checked JB’s theory with the coroner and he agreed with JB’s assessment that Simon McAuley didn’t die where the body was found. They go out to the crime scene and get a soil sample to test the theory further.

The next day Jess discovers her phone card has been cancelled on account of that article in the paper what said she was dead and stuff. A passing Mitchell the insurance guy gallantly offers the use of the phone in his office and JB calls Seth to wire her some money. Before she goes, Mitchell asks about the rumour that Simon McAuley’s death was a murder and she confirms that the Sheriff is off getting some evidence tested in Dallas as they spoke.

Back at JBFLASH the society is trawling through old newspapers looking for clues when Bertie bursts in brandishing the password for the insurance company files. They discover that Simon MacAuley’s insurance policy had recently been raised to 2 million dollars. Boom! Motive!

Jess is going to break the sound barrier getting out of town when this is over.

Jess is going to break the sound barrier getting out of town when this is over.

They report their findings to the Sheriff, along with their discovery of Rick and Lisa at the kennel and the Sheriff leaps into action. He heads over to the McAuley house just as Rick hightails it out of there on his motorbike. He puts the word out for Rick to get picked up and requests backup. Inside, he finds Lisa dead.

JB appears to assist the examination of the crime scene and points out blood spatter on the lightbulb in the basement, proving (according to her) her theory that Simon was killed there. Later, when Rick gets picked up he swears he didn’t strangle Lisa, he loved her. He found her dead then ran. The Sheriff is suspicious but Rick’s alibi checks out and he is forced to let Rick go.

Jess calls an emergency meeting at JBFLASH to reassess their position in the case, as their original WIFE OF DEATH theory has kind of fallen apart, and they still don’t know how Marge got inolved. Jess half-remembers seeing something important on the insurance report and checks it again.She remembers Jane’s earlier lament that Simon was the only B- blood donor in the area, which is odd because on the insurance report  his blood is listed as A+.

A quick snoop through some medical files later, and JB has solved it.

Not quite as catchy as Death of a Salesman but meh.

Not quite as catchy as Death of a Salesman but meh.

Mitchell and Lisa had done a deal to split Simon’s insurance money, and so killed him. Marge turned up at precisely the wrong time and so she died. And Lisa was cracking under the pressue and so Mitchell killed him.

This meeting of the JB Fletcher Literary Appreciation Society is now closed. Let’s celebrate with a drink.


Later gang!

Later gang!


S06E20 – Shear Madness

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Welcome to Fairville Texas Fletcherfans where the the sky is blue, the leaves are – green probably, and a bus has just arrived into town. Some people get off, including this guy:

Back to him in a sec

He arrives, he takes his suitcase, he tries to make a phone call. More later.

But frankly I’d like to talk about how this guy:

(This one is for the boys with the boomin systems)


Grew up into this guy:

Frankly I don’t know how I can continue with this, but I will do my best.

While we all dwell in this new reality where Joseph Gordon Levitt was once in Murder She Wrote, Our Heroine is helping her cousin Ann Owens Arden prepare for her upcoming wedding to Bill Spenser, renowned bad boy turned good. Or so says Ann’s sister.

Sorry Doris. You aren't the best cameo in this episode.

Sorry Doris. You aren’t the best cameo in this episode.

While Ann gets coffee ready for the rehearsal dinner, Helen and Jess take her dress and things upstairs, laughing when Jess forgets to skip the squeaky step. You guys, I think this might come up again later. Jess remarks that nothing in the house has changed, and apparently apart from getting a new fridge, nothing has.

Helen tells JB that she will be moving out once the marriage happens, she refuses to share a house with Billy Spenser. Jess thinks he can’t be as bad as all that, some youthful scrapes but nothing serious. Helen tells her Billy was the wildest boy in town with never a dime to his name. Jess says that’s obviously changed now that he spent 15 years making his fortune in Alaska. Helen conceeds that Billy doesn’t have the gambling debts of Anne’s last fiance, but he’s bad news and wrong for Ann. DEAD WRONG.


Speaking of the devil, Billy arrives and is delighted to meet the famous cousin Jess. He’s just sorry that his future brother-in-law George is too unwell to attend the wedding. Jess is surprised to hear this, she thought Ann had said that George was getting better, but Ann quickly says overall the doctors are encouraged but he couldn’t attend. Billy says he knows depression can be tough, not that he’s ever had to deal with it.



The doorbell rings and Helen goes to see if it’s the Reverend in time for the rehearsal. Jess helps Ann with the coffee and wants to know just what is going on? How does Billy not know about George?

Ann tells her she hasn’t told Billy the whole story, because she doesn’t really understand what happened. George idolised her former fiancee Nathan. Jess agreed but thinks surely Billy won’t be worried about something that happened 15 years ago, and that surely he’s heard gossip. Ann tells her that if he has, he hasn’t said anything.

The rehearsal kicks off with Helen busting out her rendition of Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’.



Seems like a weird choice for a wedding though,

Seems like a weird choice for a wedding though.

Just as the rehearsal concludes, Ann gets a phone call. She tells them it’s Rosemary Taylor down at the paper, who is covering the wedding party that night and got confused about some of the details, although Ann seems more rattled than a call about details. Helen still thinks it’s weird that they are having the wedding reception before the actual wedding but Billy tells them he and Helen have a flight to catch and a cruise to make. The reverend tells them he’ll make it quick. As he leaves, Ann opens the door and finds George.

George is in fact auditioning for Children of the Corn: They're Ba-ack!

George is in fact auditioning for Children of the Corn: They’re Ba-ack!

Needless to say everyone is a little bit surprised to see George, which confuses him since the hospital told him that they would let his family know. George himself is a lot surprised when Billy introduces himself as Ann’s fiance. Billy tells Ann to show George her ring and for a second he is hypotised.

The Reverend quickly departs, telling them he will see them all tonight. Billy departs as well, telling Ann he has a little errand to run. Ann tells Helen to show George up to his room while she and JB fix him some food. Ann gets on the phone to the hospital who confirm George has been released but she can’t speak to his psychiatrist as he left that morning and hasn’t been seen since. Ann confesses to JB that she loves her brother, but that he scares her.

Meanwhile, it turns out Billy’s errand is to the newspaper to see Rosemary Taylor. He’s furious with her, saying he was there when she called Ann. “Oh, then you must have met George! I saw him get off the bus –

(This one is for the boys with the boomin systems)

I wasn’t sure if it was him or not

(This one is for the boys with the boomin systems)

so I made a few calls before I called Ann.”

Oh right, she’s talking about George.

Rosemary and Billy are soon joined by Rosemary’s daughter Meg who’s just found the newspaper her mother was looking for. Billy takes one look at Meg and departs, leaving them to look at the headline.

A newspaper. That thing that Buzzfeed isn't.

A newspaper. That thing that Buzzfeed isn’t.

Later that night the party is in full swing(ish) and Jess and George are having the time of their lives.

George remembers his great aunt’s punch recipe fondly, but still can’t remember the night he bumped off his sister’s husband. Problematic. They are blinded by a flash – Meg and Rosemary have arrived and Jess swears she’s met Meg before (but apparently not, according to Meg). Rosemary on the other hand is dying to know how George is post-hospital life. She’s knows how hard it must have been, she’s seen One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.



She asks him all about his therapy, and whether or not he had shock therapy, and he tells her no, she can check his records. This is music to her ears, she has big plans for an article about George. Or 2! Or 3! George starts to panic and tells them he needs air. Ann, Helen and Billy arrive just as he leaves and Ann demands to know what Rosemary said to George. She denies saying anything, but when Billy orders her to leave Meg sparks up, saying Billy has no right to speak to her mother like that. Rosemary shrugs it off, and they depart.

God this is exhausting.

Later, one of the caterers brings Billy a note she found left for him on the veranda. Jokes fly about a secret admirer but Billy informs them it’s just a business thing and heads for the cellar, where someone stabs him with some gardening shears because duh.

An hour later, as the final guests are departing, Ann is worried about Billy but has to contend with an excess of leftovers. She gets Jess to fish out the cheque and goes to show the caterers where the old fridge is in the cellar. Jess finds the cheque, along with a written telephone message saying George had been released and asking them to call Dr Carlsson. Helen finds JB with her hand in the till (so to speak) but when Jess asks her why she didn’t tell Ann about George’s release she says there wasn’t time. She herself didn’t speak to Dr Carlsson either, it was his secretary. All she knew was that Dr Carlsson was very upset that George had been released.

A scream from the basement – Ann’s just found Billy. When the police arrive Jess begs them to defer questioning until the next day, as Ann has been sedated. The Sheriff is fine with that, it’s an open and shut case – exactly like the one 15 years earlier. George was clearly guilty. Jess is suspicious – how can George recreate exactly a murder he doesn’t even remember committing? The Sheriff tells her the details were in the papers, it wouldn’t be hard.

Shouting erupts from upstairs and the Sheriff is summoned. The source of the commotion is Dr Carlsson who says George was one of his patients.

Actual quote. (Actually snort laughed).

Actual quote. (Actually snort laughed).

Doctor Carlsson informs them that George is basically a zero change of killing someone. He was against George’s release because he felt that George was on the brink of remembering the night Ann’s last fiance died, and to return home prematurely could jeopardise that. The Sheriff doesn’t care, and tells them he will post a man outside in case George comes home. Carlsson tells JB that George was beginning to remember one detail from the night of the murder – seeing something shiny. He tells Jess he will go get a room at the hotel and call her in the morning to see if he can be of assistance.

Meanwhile, on the veranda:

Children of the shrubbery

Children of the shrubbery

The next morning Helen and Jess try to take care of Ann but she’s determined to get things done. Helen offers to drive her to the mortuary to make arrangements for the funeral, and Jess volunteers to stay behind in case George turns up. Ann hears the squeaky floorboard go and rushes to get ready. Jess rushes down after Helen, herself stepping on the squeaky floorboard, but Helen is nowhere to be seen. As Jess hunts for Helen she notices the crime scene tape is all cut up on the door to the cellar. She goes to investigate and finds Meg taking pictures. Meg rushes out a side door, and JB returns to the front door to try and stop her before she gets away. Instead she finds Rosemary, who says she’s been knocking but no-one heard her. Rosemary is just after a quote from the family for the paper, she doesn’t want to intrude, she remembers how brutal the first crime scene was with blood all over the walls and the fridge and the whatnot. Jess enquires as to why Meg was down their taking pictures if she was so horrified, and Rosemary tells her she is wrong. Meg is at the fairground.

Later that night (my god this episode just keeps going), Jess gets a phone call from Helen – the storm is pretty bad and they are going to wait until it passes before driving home. Jess promises to check on the windows, and as she goes to the stairs she spots muddy footprints leading up – footprints that skip the squeaky step. She follows the trail upstairs and finds George, holding the bloodied pruning shears. Because SHEAR MADNESS GUYS GEDDIT.

George tells JB that he had returned to the house just in time to hear what he had done, and hid again, only coming out to pack his things. As he packed though he found the murder weapon. George catches sight of JB’s brooch and starts mumbling about seeing Ann’s jewellery in the basement as the Sheriff appears to disarm the situation. He agrees to let Dr Carlsson see George the next day.

Dr Carlsson hypnotises George to take him back to the night of Nathan the first fiancee’s murder. George finally remembers what happened – that he busted Nathan trying to steal Ann’s jewellery to pay off a gambling debt and when George tried to stop him Nathan went for the shears. Long story short, self defence!

The Sheriff is unmoved by this revelation – it doesn’t prove George didn’t kill Billy. Au contraire, Sheriff. JB thinks it proves exactly that, and what’s more she knows who did kill Billy – she just doesn’t quite know how to prove it yet. She and the sheriff go to the newspaper to ask Rosemary about her daughter’s whereabouts, but Rosemary refuses to believe that Meg had anything to do with it – she had no motive! No motive, says Jess, except that Billy Spenser was her father.

At the realisation that the truth is out about Meg’s paternity, and the fact that Meg put the shears in George’s desk, Rosemary finally comes clean.

You guys will never know how much I wanted to write Doris Roberts of DEATH but it just wasn't to be.

You guys will never know how much I wanted to write Doris Roberts of DEATH but it just wasn’t to be.

The sheriff apologises – to JB. He was convinced it was the daughter, but JB knew it – she knew it when Rosemary said the fridge had been covered in blood 15 years earlier when the fridge had only been moved down a month ago. Also, something something squeaky stairs and revenge for Billy leaving her pregnant.

Guys I’m not going to lie to you. The whole time I wrote this my brain was doing this. I need to lie down and reassess my life up until this point.

Later gang!

Later gang!

S01E20 – Armed Response

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I can’t believe there’s only two more episodes left in season one. My how crime flies! (See what I did there?)

After putting Amos back in his place last week, JB is on the road again, this time to Texas, to testify on behalf of a fellow writer accused of plagiarism. Which is ironic, because 75% of the characters in this episode feel like they’re plagiarising every Texan stereotype ever invented.

Take for instance, this guy.

On his way to audition for Dallas. (Probably not true)

Milton Porter is the defence attorney in charge of the case, and meets JB at the airport. Before JB can get too overawed by Milton’s hat she is knocked to the ground by a herd of wilderbeast kid.

Anybody else think that’s a man?

Despite her less than elegant trip to the ground Our Heroine maintains her composure, even as Milton shuffles her off to the Samuel Garver Institute while salivating with glee over the lawsuit he’s going to file over the airport. What a top bloke.

At the institute JB is tended to by George Clooney Doctor Garver, who informs her that she’s fractured her leg and then leaves her to get plastered (heh heh heh) by his minion, Dr Ellison. He tells her to let him know if there’s any pain or swelling, and JB agrees, saying “Oh, I’m no hero.” SUCH MODESTY.

Now, meet my new favourite character (apart from JB obviously).

“Isn’t it great how they treat us here? Cigarettes, bourbon, sex…gone!”

Sadie Winthrop is who I want to be like when I get old. Actually screw that, I want to be like her now.

JB gets wheeled back to bed but not before running into Dr Garver’s other minion, Dr House Kenyon. Ugh, are you as bored as I am right now? Somebody better should code blue, or turn into a zombie or something. Anyway, Dr Ellison and Dr Kenyon hate each other, as encouraged by Dr Garver. You know, that old chestnut.

Meanwhile, Our Heroine takes care of business.

So far this has been the highlight of the episode.

Also taking care of business is Dr Sam, who is having a shindig at his house, where all his douchey friends come and hang and be douchey. It’s here we find two of the most completely redundant characters in the history of television having a fight about I don’t even care.  Here’s a screencap so you can share my pain:

For the record, his name is Billy Don, and if you want to imagine her voice, think Mimi from the Drew Carey show on helium and from Texas.

Remember that time Leslie Nielsen was on a boat? And that time Jerry Orbach was a private dick? Those were the good ol days…

Dr Garver excuses himself from Dumb and Dumber and answers the phone. It’s JB’s nurse, asking to run some tests on another patient, Barney Ogden. He flips his lid, and orders her to never contact him again. Seriously, am I victim in this episode? I’ve never been so bored.

Back at the hospital JB is on the hunt for big game a cup of tea, when she hears Elison and Kenyon having a brawl. Since she still doesn’t have a murder to solve, (HINT BLOODY HINT), JB settles in with her cup of tea to listen to the fight.

Haven’t seen this much excitement since that time JB scratched the inside of her cast with a comb

Back at Garver’s place there’s an alarm going off. FINALLY. The security guard goes to take a look and spots the nurse driving in the opposite direction. At the house he finds Dr Garver swimming with the fishes (in his koi pond). IT’S ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

The next morning JB and Sadie are tucking into some apple flapjacks. Sadie asks for coffee but is told that Dr Garver told Dr Kenyon that she was only getting carrot juice from here on in.

No wonder he ended up dead…just saying…

Word gets through that the Doctor has ceased to be, and Marge the head nurse goes running in tears, which is kind of how I feel about this episode to be honest.

JB goes back to her room where she finds a stripper policeman. The first time I watched this episode I swore it was the spitting image of Dave Hughes but I realise now that this was because it was 1am and I had just consumed half a block of Haighs Caramel Fudge.

Most definitely not Dave Hughes.

Lieutenant Hughes Jenkins needs help. He’s just been transferred from the bad side of the tracks and has no idea how to deal with these rich lunatics. Can JB give him a hand?

I think it’s the accent…

Any hopes that the arrival of the lieutenant would make this episode a little less boring are soon dashed when they go to the late Doc’s house and spend a stupid amount of time talking about alarms and the fact that the doc’s keys were outside. Not even the arrival of Batman himself is going to make this episode okay.

It’s not long before Ray has a suspect in mind – JB’s nurse Jennie. JB calls shenanigans on this and enlists Captain Litigation to get her out of the police station. Ray reveals that he’s found an answering machine tape in which he tells the Head Nurse to get rid of Jennie. JB says BIG FREAKING DEAL, DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I”m paraphrasing a bit. This episode is giving me nothing.

JB decides to do a little reenacting CSI style, and gets Ray to fire blanks (heh heh heh). She concludes that there were two shots fired that night, one to kill the Doctor and one to mask the time of death. Ray concedes this point but arrests Jennie anyway after a Helpful Tip leads him to discover the murder weapon in her locker.
Our heroine immediately goes to visit Captain Lawsuit to get him to take on her case.

Milton being a little bit less handsy than usual.

Of course, when Dr Kenyon turns up and offers to pay for it he’s positively delighted at the thought.

JB goes back to the hospital to see her buds Sadie and Barney – those crazy kids – and while she watches them argue over gin she has a startling thought. 2+2 doesn’t equal 5!

Sigh. I’m not going to drag this out any longer.

Are you as underwhelmed as I am?

The doctors got sick of Garver trying to make them fight to the death (which frankly would have improved this episode no end), so they took action.

So there you have it. And if you’ve made it this far in the episode, I congratulate you. I’ve watched it twice now, and I maintain JB scratching her leg with a comb was the best bit of it. Let’s hope next week Amos is back with his comedy ‘policeman’ routine.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?