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S03E09 – Obituary for a Dead Anchor

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Back in the Cove at last Fletcherfans, where Our Heroine is being asked for an interview with Paula Roman, one of the co-hosts of a TV show called Scrutiny.  She is hesitant to do it, what with the shows tendency to railroad people, but Paula swears that it will simply be a down home chat. JB tells her that she will bring it up at the town meeting, and if everyone agrees then she can do the interview.

Naturally, all of Cabot Cove wants to get their face on the TV, but AMAZINGLY there is a problem almost immediately. At a Scrutiny editorial meeting in New York the show’s producer, Doug Helman announces that Paula is no longer on the story, he’s giving it to Kevin Keats, on account of he pissed off some drug kingpin and could probably do with a trip to the seaside.

Meanwhile, the entire town of Cabot Cove is tarting up in preparation for the arrival of the news crew. All except one cantankerous old doctor we all know, who was the sole dissenting vote and as a result had a sudden urge to go and visit his sister in a place far away from any news crew. Wylie, Seth’s friend and fellow doctor, is not convinced that having a feature done on Cabot Cove is the best idea but JB is sure that it will be harmless.

Until she gets home and finds a news crew trampling her roses,

Hell hath no fury like a gardener with trampled roses

Hell hath no fury like a gardener with trampled roses

Jess thinks she’s got problems? On a lonely road outside town Amos just saw a bald man get out of a helicopter and into a limo.

Poor Amos. Remember that time he tried to retire but his replacement turned out to be a serial killer? Poor guy.

Poor Amos. Remember that time he tried to retire but his replacement turned out to be a serial killer? Poor guy.

Jess and Kevin are walking down the street doing the interview, and Jess is being very nostalgic about her home and her life with Frank but NEVER MIND THAT BECAUSE AMOS JUST SAW A HELICOPTER AND A LIMO AND A BALD GUY.

Appropriate response.

Appropriate response.

Keith is unexpectedly concerned to hear the Sheriff’s story. He suspects said bald guy to be the strongman for the drug kingpin he recently did an expose on. He asks Amos for a boat so he can take off quietly once his interview with JB is over. Amos puffs right up and tells him he will take care of it personally. Back at the hotel that night Keith receives a phone call from a mysterious blonde lady who yells at him a bit, then Keith takes it out on his producer, Helman.

On the dock the next morning Keith goes to inspect the boat that Amos has helpfully found for him. Apparently the owner, Aubrey Dawkins, swears that the boat is yar. Life Lesson #48 – Yar means easy to handle. 

(At this point, I wandered off and muttered yarrrr for about 10 minutes while I made a cup of coffee. True story).

Amos tells Keith that so seriously did he take his boat acquisition mission, he even paid the $100 deposit Aubrey wanted for the boat. “Can’t thank you enough, Sheriff!” Says Keith.

Last time Amos does anything nice for anyone ever again.

Last time Amos does anything nice for anyone ever again.

Poor Amos. He turns to trudge away but spots the mystery bald man, who promptly legs it. Ruing the one that got away, Amos turns back to watch Keith’s journey out of the harbour, which is stalled when the boat blows up.

#sorrynotsorry

#sorrynotsorry

A crowd gathers, including a Scrutiny crew led by Paula Roman who has inexplicably turned up rather quickly from Nebraska to cover the death of her colleague. She and Jess return to the hotel to find Paula’s other co-anchor, Nick Brody. Paula admits, after some gentle Fletcher interrogation, that she didn’t fly up to Maine that morning, she flew up the previous night with Doug Helman, to continue her affair with Keith. How scandalous. Apparently his wife thought so, she rang him the night before he died to threaten him.

Cabot Cove is flooded with reporters, and no one likes it one bit. After the mayor blames Jess for everything she decides to take matters into her own hands and asks the hotel clerk for the number in California for Keith’s wife. It turns out she called from a hotel near Cabot Cove. DA DUM. Meanwhile, Amos points out the ugly bald man on old news footage to Brody and Paula, who confirm it is the henchman of Ross, the drug lord.

The now widowed Mrs Keats has very little to say on the subject of her late husband, but plenty to say on the subject of his assets. She swears, however, that she didn’t kill him. Jess gets a phone call from Doc Wylie, who asks her to confirm with Mrs Keats how many toes her husband had. Keith Keats having ten toes excludes him from being the mutilated corpse fished out of the harbour after the explosion.

Doc Wylie, who is possibly second to Our Heroine in the having a clue stakes, puts a call in to Doc Hazlitt to confirm that the mystery corpse is not any one from the cove. Having ruled out a local, they suspect the corpse is someone from out of town. Moreover, as JB points out, if the body isn’t Keith Keats, then where the bloody hell is Keith Keats?

The answer, it turns out, is holed up in a hotel room eating chips and watching the mayor of Cabot Cove get torn a new one by the snarling media pack. But I digress, because when JB goes back to inform Nick Brody and the rest of the crew that Keith Keats is still alive they are all speechless. Except, that is, for Paula Roman who barely bats an eyelid. JB notices this and pounces. Paula admits to her that he called her and JB orders her to tell him to come to her house to speak to the Sheriff to clear his name.

That night, Keith tells the Sheriff and JB the whole story. Keith and Doug contrived to have Keith moved onto the Cabot Cove piece so that he could go and interview a key witness in his drugs story who lived not far away. The plan, apparently, was to make everyone think Keith was out in the harbour fishing when actually he was away doing his journalistic business or whatnot. The arrival of the ugly bald man (why do they keep pointing out how ugly he is?) was a spanner in the works that meant they had to move their plans up by a lot.

And then Sheriff Amos Tupper has a brainwave. The bomb couldn’t have been set by the ugly bald man. Keats and Helman didn’t know what boat they would be taking until 8 o’clock that night, and they were the only two people who knew about the plan, apart from Amos. Therefore, the murderer was someone else…like Kevin Keats!

He asks Our Heroine if she’s got a problem with any of that to which she replies “Actually Amos…..I haven’t.”

Again, appropriate response.

Again, appropriate response.

Paula Roman refuses to believe it, but Amos has a point – either Doug set the bomb to blow himself up, or Keats did it for him.

While Keith Keats cools his heels in a cell, JB goes to see the now not-widowed Mrs Keats, to ask her if Keats had been hiding out with her. Her derisive snorts suggests not. She firmly believes he’s guilty, FYI – apparently there had been some top secret audience market research conducted and she thought Keith was about to be shown the door.

Smelling a lead, JB goes to see the vice president in charge of news, someone-or-other Abbott (ew) who tells her that due to falling ratings there had indeed been a survey conducted, and that he had not discussed it with Doug Helman in front of the three anchors due to potential personnel changes that were about to take place. JB asks him where he was the night the bomb was planted and he tells her he was having dinner with a man from another network, hoping to desert the sinking ship that is Scrutiny. On reflection that’s probably not the best way of putting it. *cough*

While playing chess with Wylie (not code), JB has a brainwave about how someone could have been eavesdropping on Keats and Helman’s plan to fool everyone. A very specific someone, who was about to lose their job if Helman had his way…

Oh yeah, that guy.

Oh yeah, that guy.

And so it was. And so it will be. More to the point, despite the fact that there was a drug lord in this story I haven’t made a single reference. The meth Breaking Bad must be wearing off. Maybe.

Seriously, no Breaking Bad references? The hell is wrong with me?)

Seriously, no Breaking Bad references? The hell is wrong with me?)

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S03E06 – Dead Man’s Gold

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Fletcherfans! Did you know that there’s treasure in the waters of Cabot Cove?

What’s that you say? Surely I can’t be serious?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Remember that time Leslie Nielsen was on a boat? Now he’s back! As a different man! On a different boat!  David Everett has learned of a sunken wreck off the coast of Cabot Cove and is on his way to retrieve it, mostly so he can pay his loan shark back. While his associates dive away, David wanders down the main street of town and bumps into an old friend with his tongue.

JESS AND DAVID SITTING IN A TREE SOMETHING SOMETHING I-N-G!

JESS AND DAVID SITTING IN A TREE SOMETHING SOMETHING I-N-G!

Seth and Amos do not know how to deal with this new development.

Amos's face....

Amos’s face….

David and Jess go home for pie (not code, unfortunately) and he tells her about his plans to retrieve the treasure. Jess is surprised to hear about the shipwreck, and since she knows everything there is to know about everything Cabot Cove that says something. David shoots off to go and see what his minions on the boat have discovered. Alas, it’s all gone a bit wrong and one of the divers, Bill, hasn’t resurfaced. After his wife Susan pleads with them to go and look for him (despite the assurances from his colleague Alexandra that he has plenty of air) David orders them back in the water. Another diver, Colby, eventually finds him and drags him onto the boat.

Later that night David, Larry, Colby, Bill and Alex go to Jess’s house for dinner while Bill recovers in the hospital and Susan goes home to bed. David tells Jess he has a temporary cash flow problem and asks her to put a word in at the hotel. Instead, she offers to put him her her spare room.

“But won’t people talk?” David asks.

“Good. They think I’m boring.” Says Jess. YEAHHHHHHH.

Alex pours bottle after bottle of champagne down her throat and begins to suspect that the accident might not have been an accident, since the contract stipulates that should any one on the expedition die, all treasure will be distributed between the remaining partners. ERMAHGHERD IT’S A TONTINE!

My what a pink jumpsuit you're wearing...

My what a pink jumpsuit you’re wearing…

After a while the pink jumpsuit ranting becomes too much and Colby decides to take her back to the hotel. On the way she flips out and demands to be let out of the car. Back at home Jess is in bed reading and watches the shadow of David pass by her door and sneaks out of the house. Worst booty call ever.

The next morning, while Seth gets a phone call from his pal Wylie at the hospital discussing the sketchy past of David Everett (jealous much?)  Amos walks in on this:

g1

Poor Amos.

He was fixing her tag, get your mind out of the gutter Amos!

Amos has bad news. Alex’s body has been discovered on Cabot Cove Road, and he needs David to identify the body. (Should be easy with the jumpsuit). While Jess and David go to visit Colby to see what’s up Amos discovers the front headlight on Colby’s car is broken. DUN DUN DUN.

With Colby under arrest David invites Jess onto his boat for a cup of tea (again, not code. Although I must say Leslie Nielsen is quite the silver fox in this episode. Wait, is it weird that I just said that?) Jess asks him how it is that Larry can call him uncle when David has no brothers and sisters. He tells her that it was a ploy to cover up the fact that Larry’s father paid David to let his son go on the diving expedition. Before David can bust a move, Jess deboats with an appointment with Seth and Amos. Seth tells them that Alex was already dead before she was run over by the car, which makes Amos a sad panda.

Meanwhile, back on the boat, Larry arrives and tells David he’s off the project, followed by David’s loan shark who starts making certain requests of an immediate nature. Later that night, when he’s telling Jess all about it and Jess is calling him out on his lie (Larry paid his own way, there is no father, presumably we care) Jess asks him how much he needs to get going again.

“Ten thousand dollars,” he says.

“Maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement.” Says Jess

The next morning David is getting a glass of juice when Seth turns up. He’s not overly excited to see David, especially not in Jess’s kitchen, in a dressing gown.

LADIES

LADIES

Seth is actually there to tell them that Bill is awake and ready for visitors. Jess goes to see him, and while his wife is out of the room he tells her that the tank malfunctioning was no accident. More than that, he thinks it was Larry, trying to get in with Bill’s wife. But he has no idea why he or Colby would want to kill Alex. He also tells Jess that he gave Alex five bucks for a cab and twenty cents for a phone call (hello 1980s prices, how I’ve missed you!) but when Jess checks with Amos Alex only had the five bucks on her when she died. They speculate about who she might have called to come and collect her, since there was no cab.

MYSTERIOUS THINGS ARE MYSTERIOUS.

Back at home and Jess discovers a gun in David’s pocket (insert joke here) and…no. I’m not buying this for a second. You can play all the ominous music you like, he’s too dashing to be the killer, DENIED.

Jess goes for a walk with Seth who is more than eager to drop David in it. JEALOUS MUCH? When Jess protests that David is innocent Seth tells her she is thinking with her funny bone and not with her head. Heh heh heh. Funny bone. Geddit?

Fired up from Seth’s bomb dropping, Jess goes home and confronts David. He admits where he went when he left the house the night of the murder; to see his loan shark and his hired goon to hash out a deal. He swears he had nothing to do with the murder, and Jess believes him. DAMN STRAIGHT. He tells her he’s hitting the road, gives her a kiss and her key back. One of these things triggers a brainwave (I’m assuming it was the kiss).

Oh no, it was the key. Specifically, Alex’s room key. Which had the number of the hotel on it. It would appear that Alex called her killer to come and get her. And by come and get her I mean hit her with a tyre iron and pretend that Colby ran her over.

Who could hatch such a diabolical plot?

Of course it was???

Of course it was???

So erm, yeah. Susan was pissed because her husband wasn’t paying her enough attention and Alex was bagging her out and oh who cares.

See you next week Fletcherfans!

See you next week Fletcherfans!

 

S02E07 – A Lady in the Lake

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When Our Heroine expresses an interest in writing a book called Murder at the Inn, Harry Pierce (who’ll you’ll remember from such episodes as this one, also he’s John Astin) takes her to a charming country inn on Stone Lake. It would appear that Jess is not overly excited about this.

Staying at the Bates Motel wasn't part of the plan/

Staying at the Bates Motel wasn’t part of the plan/

The inn is run by a lady named Grace, who is completely missing a sense of humour and also played Catwoman in the original Batman movie. Which might explain the sense of humour thing. She’s also having problems with the boatman teaching the female guests how to sing “I’m A Little Tea Pot”

The great teapot seduction technique.

The great teapot seduction.

After settling in, Jess goes down to the lobby to meet her potential victims fellow holidaymakers, including Burton Hollis, who I finally realised was Father Mulcahy in MASH after a bitter argument with my brain who kept trying to tell me it was Radar. My brain is an idiot.

As well as Burton, there’s Carolyn and Howard Crane, who have clearly moved on from their honeymoon phase, Kyle Jordan (whose wife Betty can be seen playing I’m A Little Teapot with Jack-o-boatman), and Joanna the hippy who likes to run naked through the woods. Is it me or has nudity gone up like 500% in this season?

It’s clear after about 30 seconds that Burton wouldn’t mind playing I’m A Little Teapot with Our Heroine, and he invites her to go birdwatching with him tomorrow at dawn. JB swiftly upgrades this to 9am.

Damn crazy fool.

Damn crazy fool.

Stupidly early the next morning, Burton and JB go in search of the Norwegian Blue Parrotm birds but so far the closest they’ve come is spotting the hippy on her early morning nude run. Burton decides they need to split up, and sends JB down on the lake path to see if she spot some birds.

Instead, she spots Howard Crane and his wife fighting in a boat. Carolyn goes into the water. JB yells for Burton. There’s been a murder! And when there’s been a murder, there’s only one man to call.

Sheriff Tupper arrives with his posse and his hat and sets to trawling the lake looking for the late Mrs Crane, with no success. Amos is living the high life – there’s been a murder sure, but the eyewitness is unimpeachable, so he can take the rest of the week off and go fishing. Harry Pierce turns up, full of excitement – there’s nothing like a good murder to bring the tourist dollars in. JB is puzzled why Joanna the hippy is so distraught over the death of a woman she didn’t even know. Jordan and Burton both agree that they heard the Cranes fighting in their room the night before, and hearing Carolyn ask Howard for a divorce.

Seems pretty open and shut to Amos, but JB isn’t convinced. There’s something fishy going on at this lake and she’s going to reel it in. (Alas that’s all the bad fish puns I can think of right now). She suggests they go and see if Howard is up to answering a few questions. Amos is delighted – it’s like JB can read his mind.

Howard is in the care of Doc Hazzlit, who informs Amos that if he wants to interrogate the suspect he’s gonna have to do it quick before the sedatives kick in. Howard tells them he didn’t kill his wife – she went nuts and tried to jump overboard, and he tried to stop her but he couldn’t swim but he jumped in anyway and he held on to the boat with one hand and he doesn’t understand it and she’s such a good swimmer and…the sedative kicks in.

Amos doesn’t care. Fastest case closure in Cabot Cove history! Unfortunately for him, Jessica is on team Howard. She’s convinced he didn’t kill his wife, there’s something else going on. She goes to search the boat for clues and finds Jack-o-boatman and Betty Jordan playing “I’m A Little Teapot” in the boathouse. Betty tells her that her husband doesn’t care, Jack tells her that doesn’t mean she needs to tell Jordan, and JB says “Oh I have no intention of telling anyone anything.”

Would this face lie to you?

Would this face lie to you?

JB finds a hook and a piece of string attached to the bottom of the boat, but no fishing equipment. Jack-o-Boatman has no idea what it’s for. I’ll be honest, I don’t think he knows more that the words to I’m A Little Teapot, to be honest.

Amos and Jess argue over the case a bit more, and Jess has a brainwave. What if Carolyn was trying to fake her own death in order to get a divorce from Howard? The gears grind in Amos’s head as he tries to find fault with the theory but is interrupted by a message on the radio from his deputy. Ain’t no fakin – Carolyn is dead.

Doc Hazlitt takes the body back to the Cove for an autopsy, leaving Jess and Amos to fight it out a bit more. Amos is convinced he’s right, but when JB asks him how the body got to the north shore of the lake with no breeze or current he pouts and tells Our Heroine she’s a sore loser. DAMN HER APPLYING LOGIC TO THIS.

After having a chat to Grace, the manager of the hotel, JB checks out the reservations book and discovers two completely separate guests have the same contact number for their bookings – Howard Crane and Joanne the hippy. What are the odds that Joanne was Howard’s secretary who’d come on the holiday to try to resume their affair?

Quite good, it turns out. Jess pays Joanne a visit and not only does this conversation about nude running happen:

h2a

h2b

“Offended? Oh heavens no, I used to spend many summers skinny dipping in the lake at the back of our house”. USED TO? USED TO?

…but Joanne admits that yes, she was Howard’s secretary, they had an affair, he broke it off, she came up to the lake to see if she could get him back but it didn’t work. She also says the lake holiday was Carolyn’s idea.

Out and about later in the day JB runs into Burton again, taking pigeons of doves (and Jack-o-Boatman waiting for another round of “I’m A Little Teapot” with Betty) but before she can do anything with this news Amos carts Howard Crane off to the clink. “He won’t like that,” Burton proclaims. “He can’t stand to be cooped up.”

This is certainly the case on the ride back to Cabot Cove. After he finds out Our Heroine knows about his claustrophobia he goes to town. JB takes his mind off it by asking him who inherits his many millions and he tells her noone: the only relative he had was a cousin and as far as Howard knew he was dead. Amos tells her off for talking to his suspect, so she changes the subject and asks Amos to search the records for the Jack-o-Boatman.

Doc Hazlitt has more bad news for Amos – Carolyn Crane had mud in her lungs, a knock on the head and was wearing a bathing suit under her clothes. Amos completely loses his mind, but somewhere in all the ranting and rambling Jess has an epiphany. She was right all along. There’s no time to gloat though – one of Amos’s minions has just delivered the results of the search on Jack-the-Boatman and it turns out he’s been a very busy boy blackmailing women he’s slept with.

Not so busy, it turns out. While he admits to the blackmail, (after Jordan tries to shoot him) and Grace the manager admits he’s her brother, Jack-o-Boatman claims not to have killed Carolyn Crane. And lucky for him Jess agrees. Carolyn Crane was a lady with a plan. She had scuba gear under the boat to aid her in her escape from Howard and into the waiting arms of her new boyfriend.

On a COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL NOTE, it turns out Howard Crane’s cousin isn’t dead, he’s just dead boring…

ergwretg

Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw scuba gear at you…..THERE. I GOT A HOLY GRAIL REFERENCE INTO THIS POST. I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE.

I could explain motives and things at this point, but really I think you and I both know there’s nowhere to go after that, so here’s this week’s out of context freeze frame.

Later gang!

Later gang!

S01E14 – My Johnny Lies Over The Ocean

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Alright Fletcherfans? This week starts off on a little bit of a downer, but hang in there because I’m going to make your day.

This week, Jess goes to the aid of her niece Pamela, in a sanotarium and recently widowed after her husband Johnny committed suicide. We also get to meet JB’s brother Marshall, who is a surgeon. (Fun fact – JB’s maiden name is McGill. You’ll thank me when this comes up in a pub trivia night). I am pleased to report neither Marshall nor Pamela are as lame as Grady.

Awwwwwwwww!

To take Pamela’s mind off her troubles, Jess books them on a cruise. What could possibly go wrong? Along with JB and her niece on the cruise are a husband and wife team and two crazy ladies in their forties, both of whom I will no doubt turn out to be like.

About five minutes into the cruise and Pam is in tears again over her husband – she tells Jess that she never knew her husband’s secrets; his money troubles or the fact that he was adopted. Ever the sensible one, Jess calms her down. Pam gives her Johnny’s suicide note to read but before she can do so, there’s a knock at the door.

(I know, this is all very serious. Stick with me kids okay?)

Right, so, knock at the door – it’s Ramone the steward bearing an outrageous Italian accent and a bottle of champagne. The accent is for Our Heroine, the champagne is for Pamela with a note from her dead husband wishing ‘Pepper’ bon voyage.

AWKWARD.

At dinner time, and the two forty-something ladies are bribing maitre d’s so that they can sit near an Oklahoma Cattle King (which I’m assuming is some sort of code for Sex God).

Every day that I don’t own that pink outfit is a day without sunshine.

While they hustle in on the cattle dude, Jess and Pam are about to have a quiet dinner, despite the interruption of the husband half of the husband and wife team I mentioned earlier.  Despatching them with aplomb (as opposed to a plum, which would have been amazingly awesome and a little weird), Jess eyes off the local hot nerd as potential fodder for her niece.

Life Lesson #26 – there is never a bad time to hook your niece up with a hot nerd.

Life Lesson #26, there is never a bad time to hook your niece up with a hot nerd. Pamela accuses her aunt of trying to fix her up, to which Jess is horribly affronted/distracted by the hot nerd.

I have no caption for this still. I mean, look at it.

Matchmaking to the side, JB ready to order some grub before Pam freaks out again. Someone has slipped an added dish onto the menu – her late husband’s favourite and a dish Pam invented.

MORE AWKWARD.

While Pam goes to lie down, the Fletch gets on the case and goes to see the bursar, to find out who sent the champagne. The bursar, who looks like she’s auditioning for The Love Boat, tells her that the champagne was ordered anonymously by someone on board the boat. JB takes a look at the note, and the handwriting is almost match Johnny’s suicide note. Could it be that a Murder She Wrote/X-Files crossover special isn’t just a figment of my imagination. Jess goes back to the cabin to make sure the champagne isn’t poisoned.

Life Lesson #27 – It’s important to be thorough.

Meanwhile, Pam is out on deck taking in the air, when she starts to hear the voice of her dead husband. She goes to investigate, and is pushed down the stairs. I hate it when ghosts do that. Superman comes to her rescue and takes her to the ships doctor for a checkup, and to be interrogated by the ship’s captain.

Interogated? Surely you can’t be serious?

I’m awarding myself a million points for this.

LESLIE NIELSEN IS RUNNING THIS MOFO! LESLIE! NIELSEN!

Alright, I’m calm. Even though all I want to do now is watch Airplane, and Dracula Dead and Loving It, and Naked Gun, I’ll continue.

Jess fills The Captain in on the shenanigans taking place on his ship. He is aghast, but JB has a plan. Because she only booked the cruise at the last minute, they can narrow down the list of suspects to people who booked after she did. BRILLIANT. The Captain fishes out his list, and discovers that narrows the field to just 12 suspects. Handy! Fortunately for everyone on board, Leslie Nielsen is much better at taking orders from Jess than every other person in the history of the show, and so he agrees to have one of his men keep a close eye on Pamela for the rest of the voyage.

And by keep a close eye, I think you know what I mean…

Insert Seamen joke here.

Pamela doesn’t greet this news with the excitement I would Jess hoped for. “Relax!” She tells her niece. “Enjoy him!”

JESSICA FLETCHER YOU ARE MY HERO.

Despite the constant temptations of Officer Morely and Superman, Jess has a case to solve. Smoothly leaving Pamela in the care of Superman, with Officer Morely tagging along behind, Jess goes to make some enquiries. It turns out that Johnny’s birth mother made contact right before he died, but they never met. She calls her brother and gets him on the trail.

Working on this theory, Jess has four suspects on board the ship – the two women I mentioned earlier, the wife in the husband-and-wife team, and the purser who is auditioning to be on the Love Boat. With a narrow suspect list, our heroine should be able to wrap this one up in no time, leaving me to go and You Tube clips from Airplane! right?

Well, maybe, if she hadn’t been accosted by Ramone the steward, who was very disappointed not to see JB at the dance the previous night. He begs her for a dance tonight, and offers to show Our Heroine his hoochie-cooch.

Is hoochie-cooch code for penis? Have your say in the comments…

Not to be distracted by Ramone and his hoochie-cooch, JB barrels on. Pamela is still doing laps of the boat with Superman, but their romantic stroll is cut short with a page for ‘Pepper’ to go to the bursar’s office coming over the loudspeaker. This is the final straw for Pam, who marches into the office and demands satisfaction an explanation. Instead, she receives a telex from Johnny, saying ’til death do us part’.

Her response I think is a fair one. She passes out. (I thought about it, actually. I’d forgotten telexes even existed. Yay 80s technology!)

Putting Pam safely in the hospital bay, JB and the Captain decide to play Good Cop/Bad Cop on the bursar to see if she’s Johnny’s birth mother. It all comes to nothing, as it turns out that she was trying to get on the cruise to get away from her boyfriend and his wife.

Ahem.

It wasn’t a total waste, actually. Ramon informs the Good Cop/Bad Cop that the secretaries (and my fashion heroes) are having lunch, but Doctor Reed, the fourth suspect is not in her room. As he leaves, he rubs his moustache at Jess. Is that his hoochie-cooch?

I think we all know what THAT means…

Drunk on his role as Bad Cop, The Captain is pumped to go and interrogate the two ladies having lunch, but after some ego stroking and downright flattery, JB manages to go alone. Alas, the secretaries are a bust too – they are only on the cruise after their boss threatened to take their leave away if they didn’t use some up. Now there’s a story I recognise…wait, where was I?

Right, so, with the secretaries striking out, Jess is left with Doctor Reed. After running into her husband George in the dining room, they go back to the cabin – only to find her full of booze and sleeping pills. Also full of death.

Case closed? I can go and watch Naked Gun right? Doctor Reed had all the incriminating evidence in her suitcase, and a phone call from Marshall confirms that she was Johnny’s birth mother.

Case not closed. Jess has her suspicions about this George fellow. And when she catches him in a lie, about his wife’s photographic ability, her suspicions are confirmed. This was no suicide. And with absolutely no help from The Captain, she’s got to go it alone.

Later that night, George gets a knock on the door…

Life Lesson #28 – When all else fails, get shitfaced.

Our Heroine, apparently after testing all the champagne on the boat for poison, goes and confronts George directly. (Seriously guys, I have tried to find this scene on YouTube, but it’s not there. Trust me when I tell you that this is THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION).

Jess tells George that in the morning she is going to give police proof that his wife wasn’t behind Pamela’s stalking. PHWOAR THIS IS GETTING EXCITING. She slams the door on him and staggers off into the night, George in pursuit. I’m not entirely sure his intentions are noble…

After chasing Our Heroine along the deck, George finally makes his move. But, in a move The Rock would be proud of, JB flips him over her head and stands on his chest. Out of nowhere Pam appears and takes some photos, closely followed by…Jess? But then who is in the Dick Tracey outfit?

Expect Henry Cavill to do something similar in Man of Steel next year…

Like the true boss that she is, JB FAKED drunk in order to obtain information (addendum to Life Lesson #27), then swapped with Superman to get the proof that she needed that George killed his wife.

YOU’VE BEEN FLETCHERED, MOFO.

Another case neatly tied up by Our Heroine. I can’t believe I wanted this episode wrapped up so I could go and watch Airplane!

Speaking of which…

Later, Fletcherfans!