Magnum PI – A Novel Connection


As I said last week I’ve never seen Magnum PI before, so I didn’t really know anything about the show. After I watched this episode the first time I rang my Mum to ask her what the hell I just watched, but unfortunately she wasn’t much help either (“Magnum? I saw an ad for that once. He’s a private investigator. Tom Selleck has a moustache. And very tight shorts. Hold on your Dad is yelling at the football again.”)

She also compared Magnum to former AFL player Warwick Capper, which was probably a bit harsh but very funny.

Warwick Capper. Sweet dreams ladies.

So I had to resort to Wikipedia. For those playing along at home, Magnum is indeed a private investigator living rent free in a mansion in Hawaii belonging to a reclusive smutty book writer named Robin Masters (apparently voiced by Orson Welles. Just think about that for a minute). His nemesis appears to be the butler, Higgins, and his sidekicks are TC, who flies helicopters, and Rick who owns a bar. Got all that? Excellent. Now to business,

Higgins has gone to pick up Pamela Bates, Amy Sayler and Joan Fulton, some guests of the mysterious Orson Welles Robin Masters who are coming to meet him at his house, but it all goes a bit awry when the Beige Truck Of Death tries to run them off the road. Meanwhile, Magnum has bigger problems. His pals Rick and TC are begging him to invest in a resort development on Maui. Or something. I don’t know, I was distracted.

First moustache sighting of the episode. Clearly relevant to the plot.

First moustache sighting of the episode. Clearly relevant to the plot.

Rick’s sales pitch is interrupted by the return of Higgins and his carload of women who are a bit rattled after their run in with the Beige Truck of Death. Well, one is a bit more concerned with what Magnum’s got going on in his shorts if you catch my drift.

Why yes that is Mallory Archer/Lucille Bluth.

Why yes that is Mallory Archer/Lucille Bluth.

While Rick shows the ladies to their rooms, Magnum asks Higgins what exactly happened on the road, but Higgins doesn’t want a bar of it. He cheerfully informs Magnum that his services are not required.

I’ll be honest, Magnum seems a bit overeager if you ask me. Although not as overeager as Joan Fulton, who seems to think she was the target of the Beige Truck of Death.

All this overt sexual tension is making me feel redundant.

All this overt sexual tension is making me feel redundant.

Joan informs Magnum that all he has to do is keep her safe until Pamela’s private investigator arrives to take charge. Magnum is incredibly put out that his manly services are being overshadowed by some ringin from the mainland, and struts accordingly.



Higgins refuses to divulge the name of the investigator coming to cramp Magnum’s style and tells him to go to Maui. While Amy burns off in the Ferrari, Pamela assures Magnum that she thinks he makes a perfectly adequate security guard but what she needs is professional competent help.

Sulky Magnum is sulky.

Sulky Magnum is sulky.

In the air on the way to Maui Magnum spots Amy in the Ferrari and decides to follow her. Seriously dude? He watches her pull into an office building and orders TC to set the chopper down so he can do a bit more detecting.

And by detecting…



Magnum’s enjoyment of his (*cough*) sausage is ruined when a man in a blue car approaches Amy and she freaks, getting back into the Ferrari and hightailing it out of there, the mystery man hot in pursuit.  Magnum goes back to the mansion to see if the mystery man is Pamela’s investigator (you idiot Magnum), and if Amy has returned but he’s wrong on both counts. While he is being berated by Pamela, a call comes in from the police – the Ferrari has been found abandoned, with no sign of Amy anywhere.

(Side note, I once found an abandoned Ferrari. Or it might have been a Porsche. Someone of a presumably nefarious character left it in the middle of the street while I was standing outside my old office waiting for a friend. It is one of the more exciting things to happen to me. Wish I’d instagrammed that. Wish Instagram had been invented).


Magnum goes to the police station to see just what’s going on, but Pamela has put the word out that she doesn’t want Magnum’s incompetence anywhere near the case. She’s a lunatic, but she ain’t wrong. While Sergeant Browning is on the phone Magnum goes through the case file. Browning busts him pretending to be on the phone, and informs him that Joan, didn’t come home last night.

I bet she didn’t.

Magnum suspects that Joan’s disappearance is more to do with a book promotion than anything else, until Pamela icily points out that Amy is Joan’s secretary because Joan inherited her late husband’s business. Magnum then decides that Amy must be promoting a book, at which point Pamela storms off. Magnum is equally annoyed: no one will tell him who the hotshot investigator encroaching on his turf is, and he has swapped his shorts for actual pants.

Magnum shakes off his pout and goes to see what Amy was doing at the office building in the first place. While the receptionist transcribes the interview (because apparently PacLisle Industries has nothing better to do than record every conversation ever), the president of the company informs him that Amy never actually set foot inside the building, but that some idiot saw Amy there and assumed she was looking for someone inside the building.

MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS *gives self a high-five*

*gives self a high-five*

Magnum has better luck from his friend Doc Ibold, who informs him that someone has filled a prescription in Amy’s name to be delivered to Seaview  hotel.  To celebrate, he eats an icecream.

Number of foods consumed by Magnum this episode = 2. (You're welcome)

Number of foods consumed by Magnum this episode = 2. (You’re welcome)

After a clever diversionary tactic with the wrong hotel room Magnum forces the mysterious stranger following Amy to show himself, however his success is short-lived when the actual guest of the hotel room wanders in and wacks a bag of groceries over Magnum’s head. The Mysterious Man escapes but not before shooting his gun all over the place. Magnum then goes and knocks on the correct door and finds Amy holed up. As he takes her back to the mansion she tells him that she panicked when she saw she was being followed, as she assumed the man was hired by a jilted ex-boyfriend back in New York.

Naturally, the Magster is pretty pleased with himself when he reports in to Pamela – not that he’s on the case, he’s sure that Pamela would rather wait for her investigator.

“She’s already here,” says Pamela.



Magnum is quick to show off his detective skills (code for penis) but Our Heroine isn’t having a bar of it. She assures him that she has no intention of investigating anything, she’s simply here to support her friend Pamela.

Higgins, meanwhile, has completely lost his shit.

(It's okay, that's dirt)

(It’s okay, that’s dirt)

JB correctly deducts what Higgins has been doing in the garden, so Magnum goes off to sulk a bit more. Again. Jess demands an explanation from Pamela, who informs her that Magnum is a bum (*ahem*) and that she needs Jess’s help. JB corrrectly points out that what Pamela needs is professional help, but is interrupted by Higgins informing them that lunch is served.

No TV and no beer make Higgins...something something.

No TV and no beer make Higgins…something something.

Higgins, JB, Pamela and Amy sit down to a delicious lunch. Magnum is on the kids table.

I'm going to start a Tumblr devoted to pictures of Tom Selleck eating things. Probably won't though, to be honest,

I should start a Tumblr devoted to pictures of Tom Selleck eating things. Probably won’t though, to be honest,

They are soon joined by Joan who has mysteriously reappeared with a souvenir named herpes Jason. Magnum asks Joan why she bothered to reappear at that moment and she says “I’ve been in these clothes since yesterday!”

“I doubt it.” Says Pamela. O SNAP. She might be completely insane but she’s nailed throwing the sass around.

Jason invites them all to a party as a thankyou for letting him impose, but Higgins points out that the mysterious Orson Welles Robin Masters is expected that night and Jess thinks its not safe for anyone to leave the house until Magnum solves the case. Magnum decides to through another tantrum, saying that he’s not even sure that there’s a case, noone tells him anything and he’s the only one being shot at.

In response, a shadow outside the room shoots at him again,

Magnum jogs off in pursuit but presumably finds that pants are too restrictive when it comes to chasing gun toting shadows and gives up. He tells Higgins that he reluctantly accepts the case, despite Higgins protesting that the level of tantrum throwing suggests Magnum probably should stay out of it. Of course, Magnum does no such thing, and despite Our Heroine giving him some tasty clues to follow up (why wasn’t Joan sunburnt if she’d been on the beach all day, why did Amy say her ring was fake when it was real), Magnum pays no attention. Like a dumbarse. Meanwhile, JB digs the bullet out of the wall and establishes the trajectory, Higgins informs her that he suspects that the bullet was meant for him, as he has a “colourful past”. My money’s on drag queen. Magnum reappears with the belief that the man following Amy is a hitman out to get Joan (that makes zero sense), and is alarmed with Higgins tells him that Joan and Amy have gone to Jason’s party.

Magnum, Higgins, Pamela and JB go to the party. Pamela is still convinced she is the target, and finally tells JB why – her editor is embezzling royalties. Meanwhile, Higgins is still convinced that he is the target but agrees to wait half an hour to see who the hitman tries to kill. GENIUS PLAN MAGNUM. JB decides to take Pamela back to New York to deal with the crooked editor and tells Magnum that she suspects Amy is the target. Magnum scoffs at this and explains that the hitman was following Amy to get to Joan, and these sorts of things are what makes him a private detective and JB a novelist. And a good one! He adds.

“Thank you,” says JB. “I’m sure normally you’re very good at your job.”



Magnum spots the hitman making his move, and after running around the house for a bit it all comes to an end when Magnum shoots and kills him.


Ahem. I’ll just go and calm down now.

Yeah, you just read and learn a thing or two from the Boss you moustachioed douche.

Yeah, you just read and learn a thing or two from the Boss you moustachioed douche.


S03E07 – Deadline for Murder


Trouble’s brewing at the Boston Daily Sentinel this week Fletcherfans. The paper’s star reporter, Haskell Drake, is a little bit miffed that his most recent story in the paper (about one JB Fletcher) was “edited” by the paper’s new owner Lemar Bennett.

An evil tyrant dictating an agenda to a newspaper? Nope, don’t believe it.

*tumbleweed blows past*

Anyway, Haskell’s reaction to being called a washed up old has-been is to promptly have a heart attack. (Bennett’s reaction to Haskell’s heart attack is to order a photographer in). His old pal and former assistant Jessica goes to see him in the hospital and he tells her that he’s done, Finito. He shows her the most recent edition of the paper, containing a photo of JB with a salacious caption.

Captioning photos of JB Fletcher? It will never catch on. Ahem,

Captioning photos of JB Fletcher? It will never catch on. *another tumbleweed blows past*

JB goes to pay Lemar Bennett a visit, and finds him in an editorial meeting picking fights with the current editor Billy Simms, the Editor Emeritus Walter Revere, his son Perry Revere, Perry’s girlfriend Kay Garrett and the sports writer Stan Lassiter. Bennett tries to fob Jess’s demands for satisfaction off (after all, evil newspaper tycoons have a lot on their plates) but finally invites Jess to attend a little shindig that evening.

While Jess goes in to bat for Haskell and tries to get Bennett to give him his job back, the rest of the newspaper stand around glumly, Bennett, being an evil tyrant, is not disposed to help filthy old losers and says so, resulting in a punch in the face from Walter Revere. This sets Bennett right off, and launches into a tirade about how the Revere family are all fired, a tirade that ends only when he drops dead. Aw.

While Kay calls in and gives Billy the update, Jess and Stan ponder what brought the tyrant’s downfall. JB suspects a brain haemorrhage, which surprises Stan, who always assumed that someone would off the old coot. JB, using her Encyclopaedic Knowledge of Evil happily explains to them how it could have been murder, to which Stan says “Well it couldn’t have been one of us then – we’re not that smart, we all still worked for him!” Bennett’s personal assistant Clyde The Moustache takes a bit of offence to this and yells at them for being heartless.

The next morning JB is getting ready to head back to the Cove when she gets a knock on the door from Boston PD. It turns out that Jess is not the only one who suspects murder now, the Medical Examiner agrees and Lieutenant Caruso is quite interested to know what made JB think it was murder. The lieutenant suggests that JB not leave town just yet, but Jess is having none of it, and basically tells the lieutenant to arrest her or bugger off.

In the hospital Haskell Drake is looking a bit better. And by a bit better I mean positively glowing. His mood only improves when Jess tells him that the police suspect foul play. He immediately decides to investigate Lemar Bennett’s life and begs Jess to stick around for a few days to do his leg work for him. Jess is hesitant, and Haskell quickly says not to worry about it, she was never that much good as an assistant anyway.


I suspect I know where this is going.

Outraged, JB immediately agrees to any and all of Haskell’s demands, and sets off to snoop out as much info as she can. She goes to see Kay and Perry and tells them about her mission. Perry is less than excited and leaves, saying he has laundry to collect. Kay is a bit more forthcoming, and tells her about how Bennett was trying to rewrite her story about abandoned children, a story Kay was very protective of.

Meanwhile, at the hospital Haskell Drake is doing an excellent impression of me writing this blog…

Not even joking, not even about the cigars. (That's a lie).

Not even joking, not even about the cigars. (That’s a lie).

Haskell is less than impressed with what Jess has come up with and sends her back out into the field to dig up who benefited from Bennett being less than alive. She goes to see Perry at the newsroom but he’s still not budging. Billy Simms is a bit warmer, and grudgingly tells JB that the only beneficiaries of Bennett’s will are himself and Bennett’s sidekick Clyde.

In an amazing and clearly not at all planned coincidence, JB happens to run into Clyde on her morning jog. He refuses to be baited about the (small) amount of money he’s inherited from Bennett, or the new popular theory that Bennett killed himself. And by popular I mean theory that Jess has just invented. She asks Clyde if it was possible that Bennett’s sinus medication had been tampered with, but he says no. He was the only person with access.

Let the record show that this is how you interrogate someone in a park.

(I don't know why I find this as funny as I do, but I do and there it is)

(I don’t know why I find this as funny as I do, but I do and there it is) 

Meanwhile back at Murder She Blogged HQ the hospital Haskell is digging up some dirt on Bennett via an old society reporter from Tulsa Oklahoma. Rumour has it Bennett knocked up one of the local women who went and died a short time later. SCANDALOUS. Haskell starts throwing some crazy ideas around, but JB isn’t listening. She’s had a thought she doesn’t want to think – about Kay growing up in an orphanage. In Tulsa Oklahoma.

Haskell Drake did not see this coming,

Surprised Haskell is Surprised,

Surprised Haskell is Surprised,

JB pays a visit on Lieutenant Caruso, who is not overly excited about this new poisonous sinus medication/abandoned daughter theory, and more interested in the poisoned handkerchief/killing for her father theory which only makes sense because Walter Revere’s daughter Eleanor has been in it for about 30 seconds and based on previous experiences that’s enough motive for her to kill.

Fortunately Jess is not having a bar of it and sticks to her theory. A presumably legal search of the files from the recent blood donation drive at the sentinel reveal that Kay has the same blood type as Lemar Bennett. Jess goes back to the hospital to talk it out with Haskell, and is hit with a bolt of inspiration when Haskell fakes taking a pill.

Because apparently Clyde wasn’t the only person who had access to Bennett’s medication. And Haskell isn’t the only one who can palm a pill.

Pity. I was kind of hoping it was Walter's daughter.

Pity. I was kind of hoping it was Walter’s daughter.

There you have it. Billy objected to Lemar’s treatment of his daughter, and finally cracked. But  whatever, because!

Did you know there was a Magnum PI/ Murder She Wrote crossover special? There is! And since I have watched precisely 0 episodes of Magnum PI up until now I’m going to take a little break from misrepresenting episodes of Murder She Wrote and misrepresent an episode of Magnum PI instead. At an early guess I would say at least 75% of my thoughts will be about Tom Selleck’s moustache, and that’s a conservative estimate.

So, until then,


Moustaches. So many moustaches.

S03E06 – Dead Man’s Gold


Fletcherfans! Did you know that there’s treasure in the waters of Cabot Cove?

What’s that you say? Surely I can’t be serious?



Remember that time Leslie Nielsen was on a boat? Now he’s back! As a different man! On a different boat!  David Everett has learned of a sunken wreck off the coast of Cabot Cove and is on his way to retrieve it, mostly so he can pay his loan shark back. While his associates dive away, David wanders down the main street of town and bumps into an old friend with his tongue.



Seth and Amos do not know how to deal with this new development.

Amos's face....

Amos’s face….

David and Jess go home for pie (not code, unfortunately) and he tells her about his plans to retrieve the treasure. Jess is surprised to hear about the shipwreck, and since she knows everything there is to know about everything Cabot Cove that says something. David shoots off to go and see what his minions on the boat have discovered. Alas, it’s all gone a bit wrong and one of the divers, Bill, hasn’t resurfaced. After his wife Susan pleads with them to go and look for him (despite the assurances from his colleague Alexandra that he has plenty of air) David orders them back in the water. Another diver, Colby, eventually finds him and drags him onto the boat.

Later that night David, Larry, Colby, Bill and Alex go to Jess’s house for dinner while Bill recovers in the hospital and Susan goes home to bed. David tells Jess he has a temporary cash flow problem and asks her to put a word in at the hotel. Instead, she offers to put him her her spare room.

“But won’t people talk?” David asks.

“Good. They think I’m boring.” Says Jess. YEAHHHHHHH.

Alex pours bottle after bottle of champagne down her throat and begins to suspect that the accident might not have been an accident, since the contract stipulates that should any one on the expedition die, all treasure will be distributed between the remaining partners. ERMAHGHERD IT’S A TONTINE!

My what a pink jumpsuit you're wearing...

My what a pink jumpsuit you’re wearing…

After a while the pink jumpsuit ranting becomes too much and Colby decides to take her back to the hotel. On the way she flips out and demands to be let out of the car. Back at home Jess is in bed reading and watches the shadow of David pass by her door and sneaks out of the house. Worst booty call ever.

The next morning, while Seth gets a phone call from his pal Wylie at the hospital discussing the sketchy past of David Everett (jealous much?)  Amos walks in on this:


Poor Amos.

He was fixing her tag, get your mind out of the gutter Amos!

Amos has bad news. Alex’s body has been discovered on Cabot Cove Road, and he needs David to identify the body. (Should be easy with the jumpsuit). While Jess and David go to visit Colby to see what’s up Amos discovers the front headlight on Colby’s car is broken. DUN DUN DUN.

With Colby under arrest David invites Jess onto his boat for a cup of tea (again, not code. Although I must say Leslie Nielsen is quite the silver fox in this episode. Wait, is it weird that I just said that?) Jess asks him how it is that Larry can call him uncle when David has no brothers and sisters. He tells her that it was a ploy to cover up the fact that Larry’s father paid David to let his son go on the diving expedition. Before David can bust a move, Jess deboats with an appointment with Seth and Amos. Seth tells them that Alex was already dead before she was run over by the car, which makes Amos a sad panda.

Meanwhile, back on the boat, Larry arrives and tells David he’s off the project, followed by David’s loan shark who starts making certain requests of an immediate nature. Later that night, when he’s telling Jess all about it and Jess is calling him out on his lie (Larry paid his own way, there is no father, presumably we care) Jess asks him how much he needs to get going again.

“Ten thousand dollars,” he says.

“Maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement.” Says Jess

The next morning David is getting a glass of juice when Seth turns up. He’s not overly excited to see David, especially not in Jess’s kitchen, in a dressing gown.



Seth is actually there to tell them that Bill is awake and ready for visitors. Jess goes to see him, and while his wife is out of the room he tells her that the tank malfunctioning was no accident. More than that, he thinks it was Larry, trying to get in with Bill’s wife. But he has no idea why he or Colby would want to kill Alex. He also tells Jess that he gave Alex five bucks for a cab and twenty cents for a phone call (hello 1980s prices, how I’ve missed you!) but when Jess checks with Amos Alex only had the five bucks on her when she died. They speculate about who she might have called to come and collect her, since there was no cab.


Back at home and Jess discovers a gun in David’s pocket (insert joke here) and…no. I’m not buying this for a second. You can play all the ominous music you like, he’s too dashing to be the killer, DENIED.

Jess goes for a walk with Seth who is more than eager to drop David in it. JEALOUS MUCH? When Jess protests that David is innocent Seth tells her she is thinking with her funny bone and not with her head. Heh heh heh. Funny bone. Geddit?

Fired up from Seth’s bomb dropping, Jess goes home and confronts David. He admits where he went when he left the house the night of the murder; to see his loan shark and his hired goon to hash out a deal. He swears he had nothing to do with the murder, and Jess believes him. DAMN STRAIGHT. He tells her he’s hitting the road, gives her a kiss and her key back. One of these things triggers a brainwave (I’m assuming it was the kiss).

Oh no, it was the key. Specifically, Alex’s room key. Which had the number of the hotel on it. It would appear that Alex called her killer to come and get her. And by come and get her I mean hit her with a tyre iron and pretend that Colby ran her over.

Who could hatch such a diabolical plot?

Of course it was???

Of course it was???

So erm, yeah. Susan was pissed because her husband wasn’t paying her enough attention and Alex was bagging her out and oh who cares.

See you next week Fletcherfans!

See you next week Fletcherfans!