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S06E15 – Fixer-Upper

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Welcome to sunny Los Angeles Fletcherfans, where Victoria Griffin, local real estate agent and niece to Our Heroine, is hard at work trying to sell the home of Deborah Tarkington. She almost does it too, until Deborah finds out the person with the generous bid is her ex-husband Alec Burton. She throws the deliverer of the bid, Arnold Hastings (aka the man with the golden name, Dack Rambo) out of the house and forbids Vicky to sell the house to him or any one else connected to Alec. To make matters worse Deborah’s son Kevin thinks it’s a good time to do the creepy lech thing and come onto Vicky.

D-rama. Fortunately, there is someone who can put an end to this madness.

LIKE A BOSS.

LIKE A BOSS.

Vicky meets her aunt for lunch to tell her about just how difficult it all is – Vicky’s husband Howard is back on the audition trail after being killed off his old job on a TV show and she’s trying to sell the Tarkington house for 4.9 million.

-our million dollars!

-our million dollars! (Heh heh)

Vicky has no time to eat though – her pager goes off (naw, pagers!) and away she goes again, leaving JB to prepare for an afternoon of meetings with booksellers.

Meanwhile across town Alec Burton is more than a little displeased with Arnold’s inability to seal the deal, and tells Arnold’s wife Claire to get it done. Claire tells him there’s nothing to worry about since there’s been no deal done yet, and pops some diet pills recommended to her by Deborah Tarkington.

Couldn't possibly be relevant, I don't know why I'm mentioning it #subtle

Couldn’t possibly be relevant, I don’t know why I’m mentioning it #subtle

Back at work and Vicky’s run of bad luck continues when a prospective buyer calls her to tell her he’s decided to go and live on a boat instead. Her boss, Didi Blair, tells her it’s ridiculous to have an open house on the last day of an exclusive arrangement, half the people there were brokers telling their clients to wait a day. Vicky tells her about the offer from Alec Burton and doesn’t understand why Deborah turned it down so flatly.

Didi fills her in. It’s the same old story: boy meets girl, girl is daughter of Hollywood studio boss, boy gets cast in picture, movie becomes a blockbuster, boy gets too famous for girl and dumps her. That old chestnut.  A call comes in for Vicky – it’s Seymour Densch (runner up to Dack Rambo for best name), #1 car dealer in Orange County. He was at the open house, he liked what he saw and if Vicky could knock off a million from the asking price then she had herself a deal. He even promises to pay the binders cheque in cash. Vicky agrees to take the offer to Deborah Tarkington and arranges to meet him at 11pm that night, which isn’t at all weird.

Everything’s coming up Vicky.

Later that night, before seeing Howard perform in a play,  Jess is at dinner with Howard waiting for Vicky to arrive and listening to him moan about how he doesn’t like the insecurity of Vicky’s real estate career.

 

Sassy JB is sassy.

Sassy JB is sassy.

They are soon joined by Vicky, but only for a moment.

We've all been there amirite

We’ve all been there amirite

Vicky makes her apologies but she has to type up the agreement so that the sale of the Tarkington residence can go through. Howard is less than excited considering how much money his wife is about to make, but he valiantly puts his hurt feelings aside. JB is still keen to go to the play which cheers Howard up – he tells her it’s an allegory.

Not gonna lie, I've been here too :O

Not gonna lie, I’ve been here too :O

Later that night JB and Howard return home from the play, having mostly avoided the catestrophic special effects failure that didn’t so much “regenerate the corn” on stage so much as it soaked the first three rows of the audience. Jess notices that the light is blinking on the answering machine – it’s a message from Deborah Tarkington declaring Seymour Densch to be a phoney. Clearly Vicky didn’t get the message and went over to the house anyway. Howard has had about enough and decides to go over there and drag Vicky away. Jess announces she’s coming too – “I wouldn’t want to miss what may turn out to be the best play of the night!”

Heh heh heh.

Over at the Frankenstein Tarkington place, Vicky has just found Deborah lying dead on the floor, a pile of those mysterious pills next to her. Told you it was a plot point. Vicky hears a noise and grabs the fire poker as a weapon, bnt it’s only JB and Howard, closely followed 2 cops who would be later joined by some Serious Hair.

No seriously, wat?

No seriously, what even is that? (He went on to Dean Winchester in that episode when Dean got old, and I mean just what?)

The serious hair questions Vicky, while minions gather evidence. The verdict appears to be that Deborah overdosed on pills and whiskey, and whacked her head when she fell. Jessica wonders about this, as there is a half empty bottle of scotch and another opened bottle of scotch with another glass which makes no sense. The hair (aka Detective Lieutenant Redick but who cares, he’s The Serious Hair) tells her that drunks don’t often makes sense. Fair call that.

After a good night’s sleep JB finds Vicky up early the next morning trying to deal with the bills. Ugh, bills. Jess feels for her niece and offers to help but Vicky says no, saying Howard’s ego can barely handle the fact that Vicky is earning the money.

GET A GRIP HOWARD.

A phone call comes in from The Hair requesting Vicky come down to the station to answer a few questions. The Hair has found out about the phone call from Deborah declaring the buyer to be a phoney (although how he found out is a mystery for another time) and tells Vicky it’s obvious she went round and killed Deborah as vengeance. Vicky swears she never heard the message, and therefore had no motive to kill her. The Hair also suspects Howard, despite the fact that he was on stage at the time of the murder.

Meanwhile, Vicky’s boss Didi is paying a visit on Arnold Hastings, Alec Burton’s broker to talk turkey. With Vicky on suspicion of murder the exclusive listing is up for grabs, and since Didi has an in with Kevin Tarkington she has dibs – dibs she could share with Arnold since he has a very interested Alec Burton wanting to buy. She asks him if he wants to check with his wife first but Arnold is on board.

JB, on the other hand, is getting down to the business of clearing Vicky and so goes back to House Tarkington to investigate. She is met by the maid, who wasn’t there the night before but says was in charge of refilling Deborah’s amphetamine prescription – and in fact was supposed to refill it the day before but forgot until that morning. She hated her boss, but without her she was out of a job thanks to her son who chooses that moment to appear. JB grills him on where he was the night before but he was away up the coast. Jess is surprised to learn that he is showing the house one day after his mother’s death but he wants a beach house in Malibu and so there it is. He grows suspicious and demands to know why Jess is there, but she tells him she was looking for her glasses which she has now found (spoiler – she never lost them to begin with. Genius).

Outside she finds Vicky setting up for the open house. She’s been unable to find the buyer Seymour Densch to corroborate her story, but she’s out for now. At that moment The Hair pulls up. The autopsy results are in on Deborah Tarkington (that was quick). No pills in her system but plenty of scotch and a whack on the head that they believe was delivered by the fireplace poker and guess whose prints are on the poker?

Down at the police station Howard is going nuts until JB very cleverly sends him on a mission to find Vicky a lawyer. The Hair is convinced that Vicky is guilty despite the rather odd fact that her prints were on the murder weapon but she remembered to wipe them off the scotch bottle. They are soon joined by the enigmatic Seymour Densch who drops in to tell them that he was actually acting as a front man for Alec Burton who was bankrolling the deal. He was to give the money to the broker Arnold Hastings who would give the money to Seymour to conclude the transaction. The only reason Seymour signed up was to meet Deborah Tarkington.

Back at Casa Tarkington Vicky is taking down the for sale sign when Kevin appears to tell her to leave it up as he thinks she knows how to move some prime….real estate (ew ew ew ew) and also to ask her to have dinner with him that night. When she tells him she busy seeing Howard in his play, he tells her he thought she was serious about selling the house.

At home, Vicky tells JB what happened and JB wonders whether Vicky misunderstood his intention.

h2

i2

Bless your optimism though JB.

Howard then returns home after running an errand for Jess to the tax assessors office to follow up on a hunch she has.

After the standard Howard and Vicky greeting:

j2

k2

…Howard fills them in. It turns out that all the houses surrounding Deborah Tarkington’s residence have all recently been bought by Alec Burton. It would appear that someone is planning a McMansion. Ugh.

When confronted with this news, Alec Burton denies nothing. He used intermediaries to buy all the houses so that the owners wouldn’t jack the prices up, and then purchased the properties outright from the intermediaries. Having said that, he’s never heard of Seymour Dentsch. When asked about his alibi Burton tells them he was at a party, hanging out (definitely code) in the servants quarters with the lady of the house while her husband was downstairs entertaining the guests. Fortunately Alec had taken some of Claire Hastings’s red and yellow diet pills so he could stay awake.

This gives JB an idea and the next day  she visits the office of Arnold Hastings, appropriately dressed for someone looking to buy a house in Beverly Hills.

Shine bright like a diamond.

Shine bright like a diamond.

Jess declares she’s simply enchanted by the Tarkington estate and wants it. Arnold is on board, but his wife is suspicious given that JB is the aunt of the prime suspect in the murder. Bored, Jess departs telling them that she will pay 10% over the asking price, as long as the deal won’t conflict with any arrangement they have with Alec Burton, but it would appears the Hastings have already forgotten Alec Burton.

They go straight to see Kevin Tarkington and give him the good news – they want to put in a bid for 3.9 million for themselves. They love the house and they want it.

This is news to JB, who wanders in, saying that she’d just offered a bid of over 5 million. It would appear these real estate agents are a bit shonky and were busted by Deborah Tarkington. One more so than the other.

Yeah, not surprised.

Yeah, not surprised.

Unhappy with dealing with all these rich people and having no money herself, and about to be busted for fraud, Claire Hastings took matters (and the fire poker) into her own hands.

But for now, with Vicky finally selling a house and Howard getting an acting job as a talking pineapple, I bid you farewell.

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

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S05E20 – Three Strikes, You’re Out

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Down in Arizona this week Fletcherfans, where JB is in Scotsdale but has made plans to meet up with her baseball-playing nephew Johnny Eaton in Tucson. When she calls over to his hotel he’s already checked out, so Jessica decides to head back to Boston until she spots the front page of the local paper. Excited, she asks the concierge if he’d seen it – her nephew is in the front page!

“Your nephew is Mike Warlop?” The concierge says excitedly.

“No, my nephew is Johnny Eaton.” Jessica explains.

The concierge  cares not. “Mike Warlop is the best hitter the Comets have had in 20 years and they trade him for these two nobodys.”

You wanna start again pal?

You wanna start again pal?

Across town, Johnny has just arrived at his new club with Charlie Holcomb, the other player in this trade deal, and their manager Al Sidell (who is being played by Paul Sorvino who was Lord Capulet back when Leo DiC was Romeo, man that is a good movie). Johnny is in a bit of a tizz, as he’s lost the glove he did a something something pitch in (sorry baseball fans, everything I know about baseball comes from watching Moneyball that one time and I didn’t really understand it then either.) Al gives them a big pep talk and tells them to play ball.

Inside, Charlie and Johnny meet the rest of the team with varying levels of warmth, and the team manager Harry Dial who is considerably more frosty. The hooting and catcalling erupts when sports journalist Loretta Lee enters the changeroom to announce she’s the new network anchor. Ugh. Dial is quick to throw her out of the change room saying “around here ERA means Earned Run Average not Equal Rights Amendment.” UGH. I’d like to say at least times have changed, but let’s face it they haven’t changed that much.

Outside, JB arrives just in time for the warmup. Johnny comes over for a quick hello but is blasted bu Dial and he jogs on. Al Sidell arives to sit with Jess and introduces her to two of the player wives, Roz Briggs (wife of Pete) and Nancy Murray, wife of Kel. They came down for spring training to make sure none of the groupies got too attached. The pratice game begins, and Johnny’s up to pitch. The first ball results in WP being flashed on the scoreboad which Al helpfuly explains means Wild Pitch. Or Wide Pitch. I started applying cricket rules to make sense of it but I’m not sure it worked. The second ball gets hit for six  out of the stadium, which judging by everyone’s faces is a Very Bad Thing.

Later that night, while Charlie, Al and Jess commiserate with Johnny, Dial is having a  grand old time with Kel and Nancy Murray and Loretta is having a quiet word with Comets owner Irving Randolph. Randolph has taken exception to the story Loretta did suggesting that the Comets were the losers in the Mike Warlop trade. In the powder room, JB runs into Loretta who asks her about Charlie’s background in preparation for an interview she’s going to do in the morning, but JB has nothing for her. Out in the bar, former Comet Mike Warlop is throwing back the scotches and propositioning Loretta who tells him in no uncertain terms to back off. Randolph tells him to get lost, Dial throws a glass of water and then a brawl breaks out. Charlie Holcomb comes to Loretta’s rescue and escorts her away.

UGH THIS IS ALL TOO FACTUAL.

Back in Loretta’s hotel room, Charlie is putting the moves on but Loretta has other things on her mind – like why the media guide says Charlie is 23 when she thinks he’s 25 or 26, and whether or not he’d ever played for a manager named Flip Phillips.

WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS INTO A HOTEL ROOM OF LIES CHARLIE?

WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS INTO A HOTEL ROOM OF LIES CHARLIE?

Charlie demolishes his soda and legs it out of there. Well that’s not suspicious at all.

The next morning JB is woken by the sounds of knocking. Outside, team travel secretary Avery Burns is trying to wake Loretta so she won’t miss the bus. A passing maid helpfully unlocks the door for him (not weird), and they find Loretta lying dead on the floor. Scottsdale PD arrive in the form of Lieutenant Caceras who asks JB if she heard or saw anything the previous night – JB says no, but she does know that Loretta was alive at 9pm the night before, as that was when she left the restaurant with Charlie Holcomb.

“Holcomb – one of those two rookie nobodies in the trade?”

This reminds me of that time Richmond traded Brad Ottens to Geelong except I'm using a lot less swear words.

This reminds me of that time Richmond traded Brad Ottens to Geelong except I’m using a lot less swear words.

JB notices that Loretta’s fancy necklace is missing, and Caceras lets her in on his working theory – since her money and credit cards are also missing, he thinks that Loretta surprised a burglar and died in the struggle. JB can’t fault that logic, but notices a small piece of glass on the floor. Caceras thinks it’s nothing but bags it anyway. He also orders his minion to shut off the TV that had been going all night. JB wonders about that little fact but says nothing.

Down at the ground, Carceras is trying to get the players onside by telling them how he used to be just like them until a knee injury forced his retirement from playing ball and started his career as a cop, blah blah blah that trade was terrible. He asks to see Charlie privately and grills him about what happened with Loretta after they left the restaurant. He denies even going into Loretta’s hotel room, but when Caceras throws down his matchbook, found in the hotel room, he relents and says he was in her room trying on the moves but didn’t get anywhere. He tells Carceras that he thinks Loretta was Randolph’s “private reserve”. Caceras tells him he should have stayed a Titan.

Johnny calls JB with an update on the case, and begs her to stay to help his friend Charlie out. Jess agrees, and he tells her that with her at the game he’s sure to play well.

Cut to the scores.

I recognise those things as words.

I recognise those things as words.

Let me just translate this into Briony-speak.

Ahh that’s better (Source)

Jess is joined in the stands by Al Sidell, who heard about the death of Loretta on the radio. He asks JB what the story is but she tells him they don’t know much yet. He says you never know when your time is up, and tells her how he had a car accident on the way back to his hotel the previous night – he wasn’t hurt but his wallet will be.

Johnny takes the field to bat – his first ball ends up being a PB, or a passed ball as Al explains to Jess, while cleaning his glasses. The second ball he smacks straight to a fielder, breaking the bat into pieces in the process. He marches glumly off the field, and is met by a furious Pete Briggs, who was the owner of the bat. After the game Al and Jess try to console Johnny but he’s not having a bar of it – he loses his glove, he pitches a home run ball to Mike Warlop, he shook Loretta’s hand and now she’s dead, he something something-ed, oh his arm is sore! Al asks him if he’s seen the trainer but he says no. JB tells him to get over himself shake it off – he’s worked too hard to fall victim to superstitions and curses.

JB heads down to police headquarters and tells Caceras that her nephew is feeling guilty.

“Yeah?” Says Careras. “I can understand how lousy he must feel killing the Comet’s pennant chances this season.”

I'm not going to lie, if it was football I would have the same reaction.

I’m not going to lie, if it was football I would have the same reaction.

JB requests to put baseball aside for the moment, and asks Caceras if he’s made any progress. He tells her that they lifted 2 sets of prints from glasses found in the room – Loretta’s and a second set as yet unidentified. He also tells her that the missing necklace hasn’t turned up, and that none of the credit cards were used between the time of death and his men reporting them missing. JB has a theory – she thinks that because the pay-per-view channel was on the TV, Loretta was home and received a knock on the door from someone she knew, let them in and they killed her. Caceras decides to find out what time the pay-per-view channel was used in Loretta’s room. JB tells him she noticed him take a piece of paper out of the hotel room, and he tells her it was a phone number for a bail bondsman. They checked it out and he’d received a call from Loretta but had no idea what it was in regards to.

Down in the hotel lobby bar Caceras asks Dial if any players missed curfew the night of the murder but Dial says he was in bed at 11pm. Pete Briggs says the same thing, backed up by his wife. A minion delivers a piece of paper to Caceras who promptly excuses himself and goes over to JB, sitting with Johnny, Charlie and Al. He tells her the second set of prints they found belong to a man called Freddie Masters, who skipped bail on an assault charge, lied about his age and changed his name to Charlie Holcomb.

Oh dear.

Charlie is arrested on suspicion of murder and taken to the cells, where JB visits him to try and get the story straight. He admits to being in Loretta’s room but left her when she started pumping him for information and drove off to a bar. He reluctantly tells JB he saw Pete Briggs there, which JB wonders about but has more pressing questions like just why Mike Wharlop was traded to begin with, as she was starting to think there was more going on with this trade than she first thought.

Down at the clubrooms JB interrogates the club masseuse who is being played by the guy who played Felix Leiter in Never Say Never Again *cue five minutes of me humming the Bond theme to myself*. He reassures her that all is in had and demonstrates the team’s state of the art medical facilities by showing her x-rays of Johnny and Mike Wharlop. They are interrupted by Dial, decked out in a towel, who tells JB that her being in the changerooms is bad for business. She notices the bruise on Dial’s arm and he tells her it’s from the brawl with Mike. She comments that he hits well for someone who had a dislocated shoulder the previous season.

“Look lady, if you’re so interested in male anatomy, I can give you a good look at mine. All of it.” Says Dial.

Sidenote: I once got a prank call from some guy asking if I wanted to play with his "12 inch cock". Without even pausing I said "Well surely if it's 12 inches then you can go f--k yourself", hung up the phone and did a victory lap of my house. It remains one of the greatest things I've ever done.

Sidenote: I once got a prank call from some guy asking if I wanted to play with his “12 inch cock”. Without even pausing I said “Well surely if it’s 12 inches then you can go f–k yourself”, hung up the phone and did a victory lap of my house. It remains one of the greatest things I’ve ever done.

At the stadium, Jess finds Al to bring him up to speed on what’s happening. Caceras confronted Pete who denied breaking curfew, making Charlie look guiltier than ever. She tells Al about the xrays and how she noticed that the only x-ray with a different colour lab code was the one with Mike Wharlop’s shoulder, so she called the lab and they told her they didn’t know anything about it. Her theory – Loretta found out that the team faked Mike’s x-rays to get him traded and Randolph had her killed.

Later that night Jess, Al and Caceras are going through the x-rays but can’t find Mike’s anywhere. Randolph himself storms in to see who left the lights on. They confront him but the truth is not what they think it is – Randolph had the x-rays destroyed, but the Titans, Wharlop’s new team, knew that they were fake. It turned out Mike’s month off with a dislocated shoulder was actually a month in rehab for alcoholism, and he covered it up publicly to protect Mike’s wife and kids. Well that’s kind of nice.

Caceras and JB are pondering their next move when Pete and Roz Briggs appear with their own confession – Pete did break curfew, but it’s not what they think it is – he went to see his specialist hypnotist to help him with his batting.

Mmmkay.

On the way back to the hotel, they pass the spot where Al had his car accident. Caceras’s minion makes a comment about glasses and JB has a thought.

I think this is going to get depressing

I think this is going to get depressing

After some quick science, the next morning JB and Caceras go to the ground to give Johnny back his missing baseball glove, and to confront the killer.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

It is what they think it is. Loretta found out about Charlie’s past as Freddy, confronted Al who fought her and she fell.

So on that depressing note…

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

S04E20 – Showdown in Saskatchewan

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Greetings and salutations Fletcherfans! I have returned from my American adventure, where many a crime was solved (not true), and many a rollercoaster was ridden (absolutely true and my word I cackled a lot doing it). However, it is time to put such business aside.

JB is at home, solving the case of the dirty oven when she gets a phone call from her cousin Louise. Her daughter Jill has run off to the magical kingdom of Canada to follow a rodeo around and has taken up with one of the cowboys and would Jess go and bring her home?

There are no words in the English language to accurately describe how much this outfit pleases me

There are no words in the English language to accurately describe how much this outfit pleases me

Needless to say, JB is up to the challenge. Especially once she meets said cowboy.

b2

Challenge accepted.

Challenge accepted.

That afternoon they all meet for beers and dancing at the bar but the entertainment is cut short by the arrival of the rodeo doctor, Doc Shaeffer, who is drunk out of his gourd and wanting to make the rodeo interesting – $500 bucks to either Jill’s man Marty or his rival Boone if they can stay on the Doc’s bull. A closer inspection of the bull reveals his disposition to be sunny (by which I mean bull sent from Hell), at which point Marty’s strapper Luke fractures his leg trying to get away from it. Luke is kept in the Doc’s trailer overnight for observation, while the Doc also informs Marty that he will be set down for the next day’s showdown due to concussion.

Later that night, Boone is trying to hypnotize the bull (probably not true) when he spots smoke coming out of the Doc’s trailer. Being a good cowboy he kicks the door down and retrieves Luke and the Doc. Alas for the Doc it was too late. The show must go on though, and while the rodeo gets under way the next morning Boone gets a visit from Inspector Roger McCabe, also known as Canadian Tom Selleck.

(Sorry Canada)

(Sorry Canada)

Jess finds Jill, who informs her of the Doc’s demise and the arrival of the Saskatchewan 5-0 who think it was murder. Jill is worried, she can’t find Marty and she’s worried he’s going to get accused of something. Like being foxy.

On the case, JB goes to the Doc’s trailer to investigate and finds Inspector McCabe, who is delighted to meet her. Well that never happens. See how nice Canadians are? He tells her that the fire marshal has confirmed that the fire was deliberately lit, and considering that everyone knew how much the doc suffered with emphysema, it was definitely murder.

Down at the rodeo the bull riding is about to commence and it’s all getting real.

Just chill.

Just chill.

Boone Talbot is up first and doesn’t deliver his usual blistering…ride? Attempt? I’m not going to lie I am a bit out of my area here. He and his wife Carla both look stressed.

JB goes to the hospital to see Luke and bumps into the Doc’s wife Consuela, who admits to being relieved that the Doc is dead. He was a mean man, and Consuela thought that when he worked his previous job as a prison doctor he was on the wrong side of the bars. Meanwhile Luke has recovered from his ordeal and is refusing to get his leg x-rayed again, saying he had better things to do, like help Marty win the title. Inspector McCabe arrives and offers to drive him to the rodeo. On the way, he and JB ask Luke if he remembered anything and he tells them he thinks he heard footsteps and the sound of fancy spurs.  At the rodeo Jill is giving Marty a rubdown (not a metaphor) and begging him to let her go home with him after the season when Luke arrives. He orders her to go and make him a coffee to which she says “Make it yourself” and flounces off. You tell him sister.

JB has a chat to Carla and learns that the rodeo clown, Wally Bryce, had once been a rider under Luke’s management until a rowdy bull and a broken leg set by a drunk Doc Shaeffer put an end to his career. Jess informs the Inspector of this before Jill comes over looking for a friendly ear. Jess tells her to talk to Marty and not to accept an answer she doesn’t like, but it all becomes somewhat irrelevant with the arrival of Marty’s wife and son.

THAT BASTARD.

Sensing tension, Marty takes his wife and son to prepare for the bull riding, which is up next and a tutorial in how to splice together footage of rodeo riding with footage of Hollywood actors riding mechanical bulls. *cough* It all goes pear-shaped when Marty’s bull goes crazy, throws Marty and then attacks Boone when he tries to step in. Jill and JB are called and arrive to see Luke losing it at Marty for pulling out of the competition so that Boone would remain in front and win the prize money.

Still a bastard.

Someone hollers that a long distance phone call for the Doc is on the line, so JB decides to take it. It’s the warden from the prison that the Doc used to work at, returning the call the Doc made to him the previous evening. This gives JB an idea, which is a relief because I’m still coming to terms with the mechanical bull montage.

HOLY CRAP IT'S BARRY GIBB

HOLY CRAP IT’S BARRY GIBB

Apparently when he wasn’t in a Bee Gees tribute band Luke was an escaped prisoner from the jail the Doc used to work at, and in order to prevent the Doc from blabbing, he set the fire. You know, like a normal person.

And with that, Jess and Jill leave Scumbag Marty to it and jet off into the wild blue yonder.

Until next time.

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S04E06 – It Runs in the Family

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I have exciting news Fletcherfans. This episode not only doesn’t have Grady in it, it has everyone’s favourite English cousin in it.

I can't tell you how happy this screen cap makes me

I can’t tell you how happy this screen cap makes me

Emma is just kicking back and having a beer with her friends when a mysterious stranger arrives by the name of Humphrey Defoe who wants a private word. He represents the 18th Viscount Blackadder Blackraven, who Emma knew back in the day as Lieutenant Geoffrey Constable. He would like Emma to come and visit him after all these years. Humphrey gives her an envelope with a thousand pounds but Emma is scandalised. She doesn’t need a bribe to visit her old friend.

I dunno. A thousand quid is like twenty bajillion Australian dollars. But I’ve never been good with currency conversion.

Anyway, the next morning Emma heads off into the countryside with Humphrey to pay a visit on her old friend. Emma freaks out seeing the size of the house, and wonders what she was thinking, going to see a man she hadn’t seen for forty years – she’s not exactly the same nineteen year old Geoffrey remembers. Humphrey kindly points out that Geoffrey won’t be the same either, but that if he might be permitted an observation, the years have been very kind to both of them.

Oh Humphrey, you old charmer.

Inside the reception is mild bordering on warm. Geoffrey’s sister Sybil greets Emma, telling Humphrey she was sure her brother was sending him on a fool’s errand.  Jeffrey’s niece-in-law Pauline is far more frosty, and is more concerned with trying to get her son Derek to stay home and not go out raging/playing tennis. For someone who started out life as a baker’s daughter, she seems a complete cow. Humphrey takes Emma upstairs and reintroduces her to Geoffrey, who tells her that one of the reasons he invited her down was to tell her he was leaving her one of his houses, but mainly to see her one more time before he dropped off the perch.

That night at dinner the whole family frocks up at Geoffrey’s request, including Geoffrey’s other nephew Johnny who has inexplicably arrived with Daphne from Frasier.

I was going to make a bad Jane Enters/Jane Leeves pun but I didn't so consider yourselves lucky.

I was going to make a bad Jane Enters/Jane Leeves pun but I didn’t so consider yourselves lucky.

At dinner, while the rest of the family struggle to contain their horror at Daphne Gwen’s tales about her three quid a class dance lessons, Emma has to inform Geoffrey that while she appreciates him going to the effort of ordering pickled herring in remembrance of  the restaurant they used to gorge themselves at after Emma’s performances back in the day, she can’t actually eat it on account of getting food poisoning from the herring at said restaurant before it closed down.

After dinner they are entertained by Pauline doing a wonderful piano rendition of Hashtag Selfie.

For real though. I heard that song for the first time the other night and tried to throw myself out of a moving car.

For real though. I heard that song for the first time the other night and tried to throw myself out of a moving car.

After Pauline massacres the piano for a bit, Geoffrey begs Emma to take over. She starts to play a song but he has a very specific request – the old classic “How’d You Like To Spoon With Me.”

This song choice is a bit more divisive.

For the record, I'm firmly in the LOL camp.

For the record, I’m firmly in the LOL camp.

Actually, the only people in the WTF camp are Cybil and Pauline, who after the performance is in a glass cage of emotion.

See? Told you. EMOTION.

See? Told you. EMOTION.

The next morning Emma, Gwen, Johnny, Sybil and Humphrey are out having breakfast on the terrace when Derek enters via the bushes, asking whether his great-uncle has kicked the bucket yet. Cue the entrance of Geoffrey’s doctor who is delighted to announce that Geoffrey’s health has miraculously turned around, and that he could live for another twenty years.  This news isn’t greeted with the greatest excitement from anyone, except Emma and Humphrey. The man himself appears a short time later and tells Emma to pack a basket, they’re going on a picnic.

While Emma and Geoffrey drive off to amuse themselves *nudge nudge wink wink*, and Geoffrey tells stories of his late father who died just a couple of weeks previously, Sybil and Pauline rage against Humphrey for bringing Emma into their lives.  Humphrey refuses, saying that he talked Geoffrey out of returning to Emma after the war and he’d always regretted it. Sybil tells him that she knew he was smuggling whiskey in to her father against doctor’s orders before he died, and informs him that once her brother has passed away they will decide whether to retain Humphrey’s services.

Meanwhile, out in the paddock, Geoffrey is snacking on pickled herring and trying to propose to Emma when he collapses. He sends Emma for help but dies in the mean time. The good doctor suspects a heart attack but Inspector Frost suspects murder by death poison. Fun fact about the Inspector – he wrote the lyrics to Goldfinger and all the songs in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

 

Hands up who's going to be singing the Oompa Loompa song all afternoon? *raises hand*

Another fun fact mainly for my brother: he once played a character called Heironymus Merkin.  

The Inspector goes to the Blackraven estate to inform the family that Geoffrey didn’t make it, and not a single tear was shed. He asks to speak to Emma and Pauline informs him that as wife of the new Viscount Blackraven, he can address all questions to her. He informs her that he’ll go and ask Emma himself, much to Pauline’s disgust.

Out on the terrace Emma is heartbroken to hear of Geoffrey’s death. He asks her whose idea the picnic was and who prepared the food, and she tells him Geoffrey planned it and she got all the food together. Humphrey asks why the Inspector wants to know and he tells them of his suspicions that Geoffrey was poisoned.

Pauline doesn’t take long to stamp her authority on her surroundings as the new Vicountess. She informs one of the ladies from the Garden Society that she will come for lunch with the society at her house  at 1pm, and to make sure it’s something light as it’s important they all watch their waistlines. UGH, THIS WOMAN. Unfortunately for her, her influence doesn’t extend to her husband, as when Derek comes in looking for money to go skiing in Grenoble his father tells him to get a job, much to her horror. BOOM. I like this new Viscount, he’s alright.

Down at the police station the Inspector tells Emma that the family were quick to tell him about her inheritance, but that he doesn’t suspect her. He suspects the poison was confined to the herring, and as Emma had told him the story of the night before about how she doesn’t eat pickled herring, he thinks someone else put the poison in the fish to cast suspicion on Emma. Emma, remembering something Geoffrey had told her, wonders out loud whether the same thing might have happened to Geoffrey’s father. The inspector is impressed by this theory but Emma is modest, saying it’s the sort of thing her cousin would have thought of.

Life Lesson #53 – Always ask yourself, WWJBD?

The Inspector informs the family that he will be exhuming the body of Geoffrey and Sybil’s father Rupert much to everyone’s horror. They all manage to swallow their indignation and get on with their lives, however. Pauline goes off to show off her new Viscountessness to the ladies who once snobbed her for being a baker’s daughter and Johnny decides to go shooting with Derek for reasons I will never understand.  As the body is being exhumed, Humphrey appears with a bit of gossip for Emma – Johnny Constable is in a bit of financial strife with some shady characters from the Middle East. Oh look! Nothing changes! He wasn’t able to find out more information than that, but Emma tells him he was asking the wrong person.

Emma takes Gwen out for a pint, and finds out that Johnny was all set to try to borrow money from his great-uncle but that he died before he had the chance. The same thing happened not a few months earlier, when Johnny tried to borrow from Geoffrey’s father – even tried buttering him up by sneaking him chocolate bonbons – but the old dude said no.

Before Emma can ask another question, Humphrey turns up with some grim news – Derek’s just been shot. After a quick stop to alert his mother Pauline  – thankfully before she’d sat down to lunch with the ladies –  they rush back to the manor to find Derek mostly fine, but whining. While the killer carefully throws blame at Johnny Emma alerts the Inspector to a clue outside. The inspector returns, announces that he is taking Johnny in for questioning and escorts him out to the car. As they watch the car drive away Emma announces she’s also leaving, getting a lift to the station with Humphrey.

Or are they? The cunning theft of a distributor cap means that Humphrey’s car won’t start. They’ll have to borrow Pauline’s car. But Pauline would prefer that they didn’t, what with the shotgun in the boot that was used to shoot Derek and frame Johnny so that he could take the fall for the murders of Geoffrey and his father.

What a cow.

What a cow.

And so the crime was solved and the next season of Downton Abbey was born.

Cheers!

Cheers!

 

 

S03E05 – Corned Beef and Carnage

4 Comments

Fletcherfans! Remember these guys?

What do you even call that style?

Last time we saw Vicky and Kernickie they were in LA being stiffed by Martin Landau. Now they’re in New York, where Kernickie is a struggling actor and Vicky is working for a high-falutin’ advertising agency with Charles Winchester from MASH that looks nothing like Mad Men and is clearly a front for a meth lab. And I’m not just saying that because I’ve watched 3.5 seasons of Breaking Bad in two weeks.

Vicky is a teeny bit stressed out. Her boss Larry Kincaid is trying to pimp her out to Grover Bart (proprietor of Corned Beef Castle and previously seen as a foreman here), whose signature he is eager to get. He insists that Vicky blow off her lunch with her aunt and Howard. Howard is not terribly impressed with this news, but JB doesn’t mind a bit. Unfortunately it gets worse over lunch, and the sleazy baron of the corned beef empire gets all Indecent Proposal-ish.

Back at the office Larry K is being harassed by his brother Myron who is concerned about the lack of money, and Charles Winchester Aubrey Thornton who is concerned about the fact that he wasn’t invited to the Corned Beef Castles presentation. After he tells Vicky that she’s having dinner with Grover Bart and he’d better come in the next morning with a big smile on his face or else, she quits. GO VICKY!

Kincaid’s mood improves with the arrival of his 4 o’clock appointment, a rival ad exceutive.

There's some 80s power dressing right there...

That’s some 80s power dressing right there…

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Of course, Christine Clifford isn’t just there to demonstrate the power of a pastel suit – she’s on a mission to steal the Corned Beef Castle account away from the Kincaids and hand it to her boss, in exchange for All The Things. She cleverly “forgets her purse” and returns to retrieve it and a folder of potential pitches that Vicky has put together for the campaign.

After returning home to find a load of bills and an answering machine message with another audition rejection for Kernickie, Vicky decides to go back to the office to suck up to Kincaid, so that she might get her job back. But alas, when she walks in to the office, Larry K is suffering a terminal case of being dead, bashed to death with his own award.

Lieutenant Spoletti is called to the scene, takes one look at the murder weapon, and says “For excellence in the field of advertising: Larry Kincaid. Well, like they say – this one had his name on it.”

We won't get fooled again! Won't get fooled again! (Sorry)

We won’t get fooled again! Won’t get fooled again! (Sorry)

Spoletti proceeds to interrogate Vicky but is soon interrupted by Kernickie 9who is concerned for his wife) and JB (who has just spotted a corned beef sandwich that’s been left unsupervised on Kincaid’s desk)

*not pictured: sandwich

*not pictured: sandwich

JB subtly hints to Spoletti that the presence of the corned beef sandwich might establish time of death. They ask the security guard (previously seen as the Coach in this episode)  for a list of people who visited the office after hours, and apart from a visit from Grover Bart and an interior designer named Mary Jo, there is no record of anyone coming to the building, let alone delivering a sandwich.

MYSTERIOUS SANDWICH IS MYSTERIOUS.

The next morning Vicky is clearing out her things when she gets a visit from Aubrey and Myron. They tell her they looked over her ideas for the Corned Beef Castle account and they want her to stay. Yay Vicky! She goes to celebrate her good fortune with JB, but is soon interrupted by Christine Clifford with a job offer and Spoletti with an arrest warrant.

Is anyone else feeling a bit dejavu-y?

Is anyone else feeling a bit deja vu-y?

Down at the precinct JB and Spoletti have a raging argument (largely about sandwiches), and Spoletti gives her 24 hours to prove her point that the time of death was much earlier than he thinks. Not wasting time, she goes straight to the Kincaid office to ask Myron and Aubrey about the interior designer but they know nothing about it, saying that the office had only been redecorated a year before, JB also asks about the sercurity guard, who had apparently been fired. Aubrey says that was him,  that since he let the boss get killed he probably needed to be replaced. That’s logic I guess.

After a brief stop at a Corned Beef Castle opening to ask Grover Bart about his after hours visit to Larry Kincaid (he knew nothing, especially about any proposals of the indecent variety), JB then goes to see the newly unemployed security guard to ask about the interior designer. He tells her that that he didn’t think that she was an employee, she was tall, blonde, and kinda liked him.

h2

JB confirms that the mystery interior designer is in fact Mary Clifford, and to celebrate goes home for lunch where Kernickie is full of beans – he has an audition for a TV commercial…organised by Mary Clifford. HOW CONVENIENT. JB tags along, smelling a pastel wearing rat, and she’s right – Kernickie only gets to be the face of Slumberland Funeral Homes (!?!?)  when Vicky joins the agency and brings the Corned Beef Castles account with her. BASTARDS.

Jess pipes up, and asks Christine about her second visit to Larry Kincaid, disguised as an interior decorator. She tries to bluff her way out of it but admits to stealing the file earlier in the day and replacing it before Larry K knew it was missing. She swears up and down that Larry was already dead when she returned the file. On JB’s advice she goes to the police station and tells Spoletti the same information. Spoletti is disinclined to believe her.

Spoletti: Why is it I always figure gorgeous blondes are lying to me?

JB: Adolescent trauma, lieutenant.

Christine Clifford’s boss, Leland Biddle, arrives to check on his employee. He tells JB and Spoletti that they are no longer interested in the Corned Beef Castle account  after he learned that the Barts were filing for bankruptcy. JB asks him if he knew about that before Kincaid was killed and he gets uppity, but he has an alibi – he was dining with Aubrey the night of the murder, although conveniently at the restaurant at the foot of the Kincaid office building but he swears that he never left the restaurant.

Jess goes home to tell Vicky and Kernickie about it, but they’re a little busy right now.

Ugh, JB I know how you feel...

Ugh, JB I know how you feel…

JB decides against the floor show, and goes hunting for the origin of the Mysterious Corned Beef Sandwich Of Mystery. She finally tracks it down to a deli near the Kincaid offfice, but the owner tells her that the order was cancelled the night of the murder.

Spoletti orders the security guard in for questioning, but he can’t figure it out either. JB asks him what the delivery man was wearing – gloves, a beanie, a moustache, and sunglasses, according to the guard. JB correctly points out that it would be weird for a delivery man to be wearing sunglasses at night.

But it wouldn’t be weird, if he was trying to disguise himself so that the security guard wouldn’t recognise him .

Not for nothing, but that's two for two MASH actors that have gone on to kill people on Murder, She Wrote. Think I'll be keeping an eye on them...

Not for nothing, but that’s two for two MASH actors that have gone on to kill people on Murder, She Wrote. Worth keeping an eye on *ominous music*

Poor Charles. All he and his bowtie wanted to do was work in advertising, but since Kincaid was such a dick he just couldn’t get ahead, So, through the cunning use of disguises

CUNNING.

CUNNING.

And he would’ve gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for the Mysterious Sandwich of Mystery – and JB Fletcher, of course. But the sandwich helped. God I’m so hungry now.

...

Can’t talk, eating.

 

ETA: Thanks to Kell for pointing out that it’s CHARLES Winchester, not Frank. The moral here kids, is don’t write things when all you can think about is the buttermilk pancakes you’re going to eat when you’ve finished.

For the record, they were tasty as and I regret nothing. (Thanks Kell!)

S03E01 – Death Stalks The Big Top (Part 1)

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Season 3 gang! Who’d have thought I’d actually stick with this? How exciting.

JB is in Washington DC  for the wedding of her grandniece to Chandler Bing:

(How young does she look in this!?)

(How young does she look in this!?)

JB is delighted to see her grandniece Carol (on Frank’s side), but less so to see Carol’s mother Audrey, who is a bimbo, and grandmother Constance, who is a raging bitch. So when Carol tells JB she’s received a leprechaun statue from her dead grandfather JB is quite eager to get out of the house and roadtrip to Arkansas to see just where this leprechaun came from. And who wouldn’t?

Turns out, Neil Fletcher is now Carl Schumann and is alive and well and working as a clown in a travelling circus, which is a definite improvement to being married to Constance. He seems to be living the sweet life, hanging out with the high-wire act Katie McCallum and her son Charlie, and generally being awesome.  Alas, all is not well in the circus, however. Mysterious events of mystery keep happening, and the owner Edgar Carmody is trying to keep the show afloat, while his son Raymond is trying to stop his wife Daniella from talking him into moving to New York and working for her mother (who you may also recognise):

Meanwhile in the big top, Katie the High-wire Girl is feeling a bit romantically inclined towards the roustabout Brad, but chief teamster Hank Sutter is trying to get in on the action, with force if necessary. (His wife is not impressed). When I tell you that he is a Monsterous Douchebag I am understating this quite a lot. Also, you might recognise him too:

You're the Good Old Boys?

You’re the Good Old Boys? (We’re on a mission from God, etc)

Apart from Katie, Hank Sutter The Tossbag has also been getting his claws into the boss’s wife. So naturally, when JB pitches up in to town she has her hands full. Each person she shows Neil’s photo to recognises him but then clams up. Ain’t nobody seen nothin, and so on. Edgar Carmody finally tells her that there’s no one at the circus who looks like that and has Brad escort her off the lot.

(Is anyone else exhausted yet?)

The next morning, JB decides to continue her investigations with the cunning use of monkeys.

This is perfect

This is perfect

Unfortunately the jig is up once she loses the jacket and glasses (and the monkey), but before Edgar can throw her out again, news comes in via Katie McCullum that Hank Sutter has been injured. And by injured I mean trampled to death by elephants.

Aw, we’ll sure miss him, said no one ever.

The 5-0 roll in closely followed by Mayor Adam West Powers, who is quickly discovered to be a) a douchebag and b) an idiot. He quickly puts himself in charge of the investigation and declares he is shutting the circus down. When Edgar tells him that that’s illegal he says “You learn quickly – nothing I do in this town is illegal.”

He is unhappy to learn that Sutter’s death was not in fact an accident, when JB points out the elephants have no blood on their feet. It was murder. (Duh).

The Mayor decides to kick off his interrogations with Our Heroine, since she’s already shown him up once. He asks her what she was doing at the circus and she explains the Mystery of the Leprechaun. Fine, says the mayor, but how do I know you weren’t looking for Hank Sutter?

Because I just told you, says Our Heroine.

Of all the crazy fools Our Heroine has had to deal with, this one is the worst.

Of all the crazy fools Our Heroine has had to deal with, this one is the worst.

The Mayor lets loose but is cut short by a deputy bringing news that Carl Schumann has disappeared. JB tells them that Carl left the night before, before the murder, but this is actually a cunning ruse on the part of Edgar Carmody to get her to back off. The police go hunting and find Neil/Carl about to get the bus out of town.

(This is Jackie Cooper. He was Perry White in the Superman movies, but was also the youngest Best Actor Oscar nominee until Keisha Castle-Hughes. You're welcome, people going to a trivia night)

(This is Jackie Cooper. He was Perry White in the Superman movies, but was also the youngest ever Best Actor Oscar nominee until Keisha Castle-Hughes. You’re welcome, people going to a trivia night)

Once JB learns of Carl/Neil’s arrest she goes to see him in the jail. He comes clean about how he faked his death and is desperate to keep his new life a secret from his wife and daughter (fair enough too I might add). JB is more concerned with the whole murder business, but before they can talk further Mayor Moron arrives and throws her out.

Undeterred by Mayor Moron’s warning to stay out of police business, JB goes to check the circus for more clues and finds the chain securing one of the elephants has been partially cut through. She asks Katie about it but she doesn’t know anything about it. Jessica decides to search Neil/Carl’s trailer to see what the police missed, but instead find the police unearthing the murder weapon. Apparently Neil/Carl told them where it was and confessed to the whole thing.

And there it ends, Fletcherfans. Will the circus survive? Will JB clear her brother in law? Will Monica and Chandler ever have a baby?

Stay tuned!

See you next week!

See you next week!

S02E21 – The Perfect Foil

2 Comments

After last week’s shenanigans  and mayhem you’d think Our Heroine had earned a nice little vacation. Alas, it’s not to be, as Great Aunt Mildred is concerned about Cal Fletcher, JB’s husbands second cousin twice removed on his left side (or something) and would Jess please go down to New Orleans and check on him?

Never one to turn down family (otherwise we’d never see Grady) JB jumps on a plane and heads down to Nawlins.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) someone forgot to mention a little old party called Mardi Gras. And after a cock-up with her hotel reservation sees JB homeless for the night, she decides to pay an earlier than planned visit to Cal.

After knocking at the front door, Cal’s house looks promising.

a1a

a1b

Inside, the house is a-rockin, but with everyone in costume it’s going to make it awfully difficult to spot Cal Fletcher, on account of noone knowing what he looks like. Is he Napoleon? No.  Is he a pirate? Very much no, says the pirate, escorts the Genie of the Lamp into another room and closes the door. Is he Cardinal Richelieu? Apparently not, since the cardinal just smiles and wanders off,

A man without a costume called Gilbert informs Jess that her cousin is dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac but is hastened away by the Genie of the Lamp (I should point out that she’s more I Dream of Jeannie than Aladdin’s Genie, unfortunately). JB smacks into Lady Macbeth coming out of the room the pirate went into but she doesn’t know anything either. A little later she spots Cardinal Richelieu doing the same thing. She finally spots Cyrano in the crowd and rushes up to introduce herself but he completely blanks her, goes to the Pirate’s office and declares he’s going to kill him. The door closes and a swordfight breaks out.

I’m not gonna lie, the doorman has been the highlight of this episode so far. Anyway, a crowd gathers outside the office trying to get in to see the entertainment, but after hearing a thud JB is concerned. Gilbert appears, breaks down the door and finds the pirate (aka Johnny Blaze) dead on the floor, the world CAL written on the floor in blood. IS THIS JB’S MOST AWESOME RELATIVE EVER???

The police arrive and it’s obvious from the beginning that Lieutenant Cavette would loves JB to help him with his case, if you know what I mean. He asks her what she was doing at the party and she tells him that her cousin Cal Fletcher is the owner of the house. Except apparently it’s not a house, it’s a gambling den. While she watches the lieutenant search for clues, Gilbert sidles up to her and says that she needs to tell her cousin to get the hell out of town. Apparently his house is just across the alley. CONVENIENT.

JB goes to pay this mysterious cousin of hers a visit and finds him curled up asleep in bed. When she informs him of what’s happened he seems completely surprised.

Cal went on to direct many episodes of Home Improvement. His real name is Peter Bonerz. Why are you laughing?

Cal went on to direct many episodes of Home Improvement. His real name is Peter Bonerz. Why are you laughing?

He swears on his word as a gentleman that he didn’t know about the gamblinh and he didn’t kill Johnny Blaze.

The many faces of Calhoun Fletcher.

The many faces of Calhoun Fletcher.

The police show up and quickly find a Cyrano de Bergerac costume in Cal’s wardrobe, complete with key in pocket. Cavette orders Cal be arrested immediately. Clearly he is immune to Honest Face.

Down at the police station Cavette tells JB that Johnny Blaze was running an illegal gambling operation out of Cal’s house, and that his death was no great loss.  JB thinks that this must surely mean that there are more people than just Cal who would want Johnny Blaze dead. Cavette agrees, but points out that all the evidence implicates Cal. Plus there was that time Cal stood up in a card game and threatened to kill Johnny Blaze.

JB confronts Cal about this, and he kind of agrees that he threatened to kill Johnny Blaze, since he was cheating at  cards, but that’s it. He tells JB that he’s a naturalist…

d2

…he collects butterflies for museums.

Life Lesson #46 - Naturalist and nudist are two completely different things.

Life Lesson #46 – Naturalist and nudist are two completely different things.

Cal’s attorney Mitch Payne arrives to calm everyone down, and tells them that self defence is a perfectly legitimate plea. JB is outraged! But Cal wasn’t even there!

Later that night JB goes out to dinner with Lieutenant Cavette, He tries to bust some patented Cavette moves on Our Heroine but JB wants nothing to do with it. She wants more information on this shady lawyer dude. Cavette tells her that he was once in the employ of Johnny Blaze, and helped him beat a murder rap – supposedly he killed a young man over a card game but some witnesses were found to swear that Johnny Blaze wasn’t even there, 

The next morning JB pays Mr Payne a visit, and finds him consulting with Lady Macbeth from the party, also known as Rosaline Gardner, the wife of local congressman Brad Gardner. When asked, she tells JB that she must have her mistaken for somebody else. Down at the club, JB asks Gilbert and Jeannie (aka Kitty Manette) about Cal’s presence at the club the night of the murder. Kitty says he had been pretty drunk, so they got him out before Johnny Blaze could see him, but that he must have sneaked back in, JB asks about the congressman, and Kitty swears he wasn’t at the party but Gilbert thinks he saw his limo parked down the street. JB asks him if he mentioned this to Lieutenant Cavette and Gilbert tells her that he wouldn’t give him the right time of day. Turns out the guy  Johnny Blaze was accused of murdering was Cavette’s son. 

Awkward.

JB confronts Cal about his presence at the club on the night of the murder and he comes clean, but says that he left after Kitty came running up sobbing and saying “He knows!” JB asks him who else was playing cards the night Cal threatened to kill Blaze – Mitch the shady lawyer, Gilbert, Kitty and the Congressman were all there too, according to Cal. On a roll, JB confronts Cavette about the murder of his son. He tells her the story, but swears he wasn’t at the party that night. 

“Bullshit!” Says Jess (I’m paraphrasing slightly). “I saw you…Cardinal Richelieu”

(I’m starting to think everyone in the world wanted Johnny Blaze dead, including me. (For the record, I was a month off my third birthday when he was murdered, cop that for an alibi!)

Never mind all that though. Cavette tells JB to accept the fact that her cousin is guilty and JB mutters “I don’t know why you all keep saying that, he’s not my cousin, he’s Frank’s!” and then solves the case. BAM.

Remember that time Jeannie/Kitty said “HE KNOWS.” Turns out that wasn’t about Cal Fletcher at all, her boyfriend Johnny Blaze had discovered who she was cheating on him with.

Excuse me while I die of unsurprised.

Excuse me while I die of unsurprised.

And they all lived happily ever after. Well Gilbert went to jail, presumably, and Kitty was probably left broken hearted. But JB went home to Cabot Cove and Cal found a new tenant to take over the big house and turn it into a brothel. So mainly Cal wins, really.

Season 2 finale next week Fletcherfans, can you believe it? Only 10 more seasons to go! *whimpers*

Later, Fletcherfans!

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

 

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