S01E20 – Armed Response

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I can’t believe there’s only two more episodes left in season one. My how crime flies! (See what I did there?)

After putting Amos back in his place last week, JB is on the road again, this time to Texas, to testify on behalf of a fellow writer accused of plagiarism. Which is ironic, because 75% of the characters in this episode feel like they’re plagiarising every Texan stereotype ever invented.

Take for instance, this guy.

On his way to audition for Dallas. (Probably not true)

Milton Porter is the defence attorney in charge of the case, and meets JB at the airport. Before JB can get too overawed by Milton’s hat she is knocked to the ground by a herd of wilderbeast kid.

Anybody else think that’s a man?

Despite her less than elegant trip to the ground Our Heroine maintains her composure, even as Milton shuffles her off to the Samuel Garver Institute while salivating with glee over the lawsuit he’s going to file over the airport. What a top bloke.

At the institute JB is tended to by George Clooney Doctor Garver, who informs her that she’s fractured her leg and then leaves her to get plastered (heh heh heh) by his minion, Dr Ellison. He tells her to let him know if there’s any pain or swelling, and JB agrees, saying “Oh, I’m no hero.” SUCH MODESTY.

Now, meet my new favourite character (apart from JB obviously).

“Isn’t it great how they treat us here? Cigarettes, bourbon, sex…gone!”

Sadie Winthrop is who I want to be like when I get old. Actually screw that, I want to be like her now.

JB gets wheeled back to bed but not before running into Dr Garver’s other minion, Dr House Kenyon. Ugh, are you as bored as I am right now? Somebody better should code blue, or turn into a zombie or something. Anyway, Dr Ellison and Dr Kenyon hate each other, as encouraged by Dr Garver. You know, that old chestnut.

Meanwhile, Our Heroine takes care of business.

So far this has been the highlight of the episode.

Also taking care of business is Dr Sam, who is having a shindig at his house, where all his douchey friends come and hang and be douchey. It’s here we find two of the most completely redundant characters in the history of television having a fight about I don’t even care.  Here’s a screencap so you can share my pain:

For the record, his name is Billy Don, and if you want to imagine her voice, think Mimi from the Drew Carey show on helium and from Texas.

Remember that time Leslie Nielsen was on a boat? And that time Jerry Orbach was a private dick? Those were the good ol days…

Dr Garver excuses himself from Dumb and Dumber and answers the phone. It’s JB’s nurse, asking to run some tests on another patient, Barney Ogden. He flips his lid, and orders her to never contact him again. Seriously, am I victim in this episode? I’ve never been so bored.

Back at the hospital JB is on the hunt for big game a cup of tea, when she hears Elison and Kenyon having a brawl. Since she still doesn’t have a murder to solve, (HINT BLOODY HINT), JB settles in with her cup of tea to listen to the fight.

Haven’t seen this much excitement since that time JB scratched the inside of her cast with a comb

Back at Garver’s place there’s an alarm going off. FINALLY. The security guard goes to take a look and spots the nurse driving in the opposite direction. At the house he finds Dr Garver swimming with the fishes (in his koi pond). IT’S ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

The next morning JB and Sadie are tucking into some apple flapjacks. Sadie asks for coffee but is told that Dr Garver told Dr Kenyon that she was only getting carrot juice from here on in.

No wonder he ended up dead…just saying…

Word gets through that the Doctor has ceased to be, and Marge the head nurse goes running in tears, which is kind of how I feel about this episode to be honest.

JB goes back to her room where she finds a stripper policeman. The first time I watched this episode I swore it was the spitting image of Dave Hughes but I realise now that this was because it was 1am and I had just consumed half a block of Haighs Caramel Fudge.

Most definitely not Dave Hughes.

Lieutenant Hughes Jenkins needs help. He’s just been transferred from the bad side of the tracks and has no idea how to deal with these rich lunatics. Can JB give him a hand?

I think it’s the accent…

Any hopes that the arrival of the lieutenant would make this episode a little less boring are soon dashed when they go to the late Doc’s house and spend a stupid amount of time talking about alarms and the fact that the doc’s keys were outside. Not even the arrival of Batman himself is going to make this episode okay.

It’s not long before Ray has a suspect in mind – JB’s nurse Jennie. JB calls shenanigans on this and enlists Captain Litigation to get her out of the police station. Ray reveals that he’s found an answering machine tape in which he tells the Head Nurse to get rid of Jennie. JB says BIG FREAKING DEAL, DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I”m paraphrasing a bit. This episode is giving me nothing.

JB decides to do a little reenacting CSI style, and gets Ray to fire blanks (heh heh heh). She concludes that there were two shots fired that night, one to kill the Doctor and one to mask the time of death. Ray concedes this point but arrests Jennie anyway after a Helpful Tip leads him to discover the murder weapon in her locker.
Our heroine immediately goes to visit Captain Lawsuit to get him to take on her case.

Milton being a little bit less handsy than usual.

Of course, when Dr Kenyon turns up and offers to pay for it he’s positively delighted at the thought.

JB goes back to the hospital to see her buds Sadie and Barney – those crazy kids – and while she watches them argue over gin she has a startling thought. 2+2 doesn’t equal 5!

Sigh. I’m not going to drag this out any longer.

Are you as underwhelmed as I am?

The doctors got sick of Garver trying to make them fight to the death (which frankly would have improved this episode no end), so they took action.

So there you have it. And if you’ve made it this far in the episode, I congratulate you. I’ve watched it twice now, and I maintain JB scratching her leg with a comb was the best bit of it. Let’s hope next week Amos is back with his comedy ‘policeman’ routine.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

S01E19 – Murder Takes The Bus


We’re back in the Cove this week Fletcherfans, and not a minute too soon. JB’s giving a speech at the Maine Sheriffs Association Dinner, and Amos is such a hurry to hear her speak eat til he explodes that when his car breaks down he doesn’t stop to dwell. It’s time for a roadtrip!

Yeah, it’s hard not to get excited about a bus trip with Amos Tupper, amirite?

Now just between you and me, I feel like this bus may be doomed. For one thing, there was some definite Psycho-related music playing when they departed Cabot Cove. For another, one of those old guys who sits on porches and predicts storms predicted a storm, and it turned up – even if it did look like it had just walked off the set of a Bela Lugosi movie.

Not to mention LOOK WHO’S ON THE BUS!

It’s just like the movie Speed in every way except reality.

True story: when Blanche from the Golden Girls first appeared I was so busy singing ‘Thank You For Being A Friend’ that I lost track of what was going on.

While Amos keeps everyone entertained with his impressions of the Fonz snoring, the bus pulls up outside a prison. Somebody is celebrating their release by catching the Bus Of Death, which is apparently now being followed by the Sportscar of Doom.

This can only end well.

Up ahead, the Cabot Cove equivalent of the SES pull them over to tell them that the storm has knocked the power out and that the road may not be open for much longer. The Sportscar of Doom doesn’t bother with such things as Helpful Information, however, and jets off into the night. The Bus of Death decides to take its chances.

I really want to go to Maine and catch buses everywhere now, which is of course what the writers of this episode intended.

Further along up the road the Sportscar of Death has inexplicably crashed in the torrential rain. The driver flags them down and gets on the Bus of Death. JB can’t help but notice the massive bulge in his pants…oh, it’s a gun.
The bus driver discovers he has bus trouble (no kidding?) and pulls over at the Kozy Korner Kitchen, which is horrifically offensive to my sense of spelling, and not as funny as Curl Up and Dye.

Inside, I finally realise why Blanche’s husband seems really familiar – he’s Major Frank Burns from M*A*S*H. Also, he’s a statistics professor and about as much fun as you’d imagine.

What we really need is a Golden Girls/ Murder, She Wrote spinoff. And by we, I mean I.

It turns out that all is not well in Golden Girls/M*A*S*Hland, and it’s only some sage advice from the Old Guy Predicting Storms (“Only a fool grows ulcers over something he can’t control,” – Life Lesson #33)

While Amos grumps about looking for the menu, Our Heroine notices the husband of Exorcist girl fighting with the recently-released mystery man on the bus but is soon distracted by Amos ordering apple pie with a slice of cheddar and some black coffee. (Me, I would have ordered apple pie with cream, ice-cream and custard, but I’m sure cheddar cheese is just as good).

The bus driver comes back inside to dry off, and JB goes back to the bus in search of her book. Instead, she finds the recently-released prisoner is now recently deceased.

Thank you very much, I’m here all week, Try the veal.

Jess immediately notifies the authorities (Amos), and he takes it pretty well considering his chances of winning the TV set from the Sheriffs dinner are fading. (Remember when TVs were called TV sets? Yeah, I’d forgotten that too). Clues at the crime scene are sketchy at best – his suitcase is missing but they find his wallet, which confirms he’d been a guest of the state up until that night – he’d been in for 15 years for armed robbery with two other men, one of whom died along with a bystander, and the other got away. Any further investigation is halted when Blanche gets on the bus, sees the dead body and swoons like a pro.

After a good strong cup of coffee Blanche dials down the hysterics, and with some gentle nudging from Our Heroine, Amos quizzes everyone on who they are, where they came from, and how much they like pie. Or something. At first Mr Exorcist denies speaking with the dead guy, Jess calls him out on it but he clams up. The driver of the Sportscar of Doom says he is a jewellery salesman, which is why he has the gun. The old coot and the sea-captain deny knowing anything about the dead man, and the bus driver (who in his spare time is the Dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding) says he was so busy trying to fix the bus he didn’t notice a thing.

The mystery! It deepens!

JB takes a leaf out of an old book and hits up the video games

And so the inspiration for ‘Video Games’ by Lana Del Ray was born. Probably.

No closer to finding the killer, Our Heroine and Amos go and take another look at the bus. Jess notices that the dampener switch is on, causing Amos to flip out with excitement and scurry off into the night. Nope, I don’t know why.  JB scurries in the other direction, and finds the late lamented’s suitcase out in the rain. The Exorcist Girl’s husband comes out and helps her bring the case inside, and comes clean on what he was fighting with the dead guy about – his father was the third partner who was killed the day of the robbery, and he wanted his father’s share of the money taken in the heist. But, when he realised what a pathetic loser the dead guy was, he just walked away. He shows Amos and JB a newspaper clipping that had all the information of the dead guy’s release. JB notices that the bystander killed in the crossfire of the robbery has the same surname as the bus driver.

Amos then informs Our Heroine that he knew who the killer was a half hour ago.

JB has been out of the Cove too long, Amos has forgotten who the boss is…

Amos announces he’s placing the culprit under citizen’s arrest – at first the suspect tries to deny it, but then he confesses!

I’m not comfortable living in a world where Amos solves cases before JB does.

He staged the bus break-down in order to avenge the death of his daughter who died during the robbery. Case closed.

And yet…JB announces the bad news. The dead guy wasn’t killed by the screwdriver. He was already dead. There was nowhere near enough blood for him to have been stabbed.

Amos magnanimously concedes defeat.

That’ll teach him to forget whose in charge around here.

Back to the drawing board, and still without a phone line (those poor souls. Whatever did we do before smartphones?) Ralph-the-cafe-owner suddenly remembers the CB radio out the back. Amos and the jewellery store guy go and check it out, while M*A*S*H guy, old coot and Husband of the Exorcist play a game of blackjack to pass the time. JB notices that the jewellery guy has left his suitcase of expensive things on the table. Can’t be too concerned about security then!

As usual JB is right. He’s not a jewellery salesman he’s an investigator sent by the bank’s insurance company to try to recover the missing moulah. JB accepts this, and after a bit of a think goes back to the bus to search for more clues. This time, without the added distraction of Blanche swooning all over the place, she manages to find the dead guy’s book and overcoat. She takes them back inside for a closer look, but the power finally goes out. Amos and Ralph get on the task of starting the backup generator.

Then a gun goes off. Natch. Someone has tried to shoot the investigator, but only got him in the arm. The CB radio wasn’t so lucky.

Amos conducts a search of the stranded passengers, but the gun is missing. Not only that, but the book is missing too! JB is nobody’s fool though, and retrieves the book from Blanche’s knitting bag – turns out Blanche knows how to spot a rare first edition. But why stop there? JB pulls a safety deposit key out of the book and asks  the Sea Captain if that was what he was looking for.

Ah of course. The sea-captain, who has said about five lines of dialogue in the whole episode, is the third partner, the one that got away. But he didn’t do it either.  Then Jess apologises to Amos – he was right the whole time.

Mr Bus Driver, it turns out, killed the dead guy twice but only admitted to the second one, knowing that the evidence would acquit him eventually.

Of course, he didn’t count on Our Heroine. Or the fact that Amos Tupper would get something right, albeit accidentally.

And on that bombshell…

Until next time, dear reader…

And now, a word from our sponsor…

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Fletcherfans! LOOK WHO’S TURNING 86 TODAY!


Happy Birthday!

Tequila shots for everybody!

PS – I just found out that Angela Lansbury and James Earl Jones are coming to Melbourne next year for Driving Miss Daisy. And I thought seeing New Kids On The Block was going to be the best birthday ever….

S01E18 – Footnote to Murder


I’m sorry to say it Fletcherfans, but we’re still not back in the Cove – JB is in New York, accepting the US presidency the Nobel Prize, an award for crime writing. While I am desperately sad that the Cove doesn’t feature in this episode, it does start with a man roller skating in the rain, which gives me an excuse to show you this video:

Before she accepts her award, JB meets her friend Horace, a poet who looks like a cross between Rick Moranis and Neil Gaiman (just think about that one). Horace is hanging out in a diner bemoaning the lack of booze/cigarettes/women in his general vicinity, and writing crap poetry that includes the line “Cupid’s turgid rights neglected.”

Let the record show that Our Heroine gave this line the reaction it deserved.

This line was later used in Fifty Shades of Grey. Probably.

JB and Horace aren’t the only people in town for American Idol X Factor the literary awards. Hemsley Post (who in his spare time is the voice of King Triton in The Little Mermaid according to IMDB) is in town to host the awards/tempt people with his penis new book. This news is received with great interest by Tiffany the assistant award manager (who finds great penises literature ‘stimulating’) and with indifference from Hemsley’s ex-wife, who just says ‘SHOW ME THE MONEY’.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a man with a carton of milk called Frank Lapinski is very interested to learn that Hemsley Post is in town to host the awards, and pays him a visit in the bathroom of the opening night reception. Someone’s not very pleased with Hemsley’s incessant talk of his penis new book.

Holy crap, they’re called the Gotham Book Awards! IF THERE IS NO BATMAN IN THIS EPISODE I’M DEMANDING A REFUND.

JB and Horace aren’t the only winners of the Gotham Book Awards, or the Batties as I’ve just decided they’re called. Also attending the awards are Adrian Winslow, who is in fact Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch.


Completely irrelevant side note: apparently he was second choice for Mike Brady after Gene Hackman turned it down. Gene Hackman. Just consider that one for a minute.

On their way into the awards ceremony Our Heroine and Horace are accosted by Batman Debbie Delancey, a young lady desperate to show off her tits short story. Horace is more concerned with the application of his mouth to as much scotch as he can find, but Jessica being the Incredibly Magnanimous Human that she is offers to read it for her.

Inside the party Winslow/Brady is chatting to Lucinda Lark, who has written ‘Woman Unleashed’ which presumably is the 1985 equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey. Meanwhile, Hemsley’s little friend Tiffany has just burned Our Heroine and Horace.

I’m pretty sure Tiffany knows not what she does, mainly because she’s a complete bimbo. JB should set her up with Grady.

Shaking off this outrage, JB grabs a drink and settles in to watch a bitch-fight between Hemsley and Winslow/Brady, while Horace works his turgid magic on the 50 Shades of Unleashed lady. If ever there was a match made in heaven…his tugidity is interrupted by Hemsley looking for someone to talk about his penis book to. Horace tells him he couldn’t finish his book due to the terrible grammar, and Hemsley thanks him for his constructive criticism by punching him in the face.

JB steps in to referee.

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to fall in love with Horace a little bit…

After a good scolding from Our Heroine the two brawlers go their separate ways.

The next morning, JB discovers she has Hemsley’s umbrella (nothing suss), and goes to return it. When she arrives at his hotel room she discovers a D.A called Comstock, a lieutenant called Meyers, and Horace’s sword umbrella shoved in Hemsley’s chest. This’ll take some explaining, methinks.

The DA seems more preoccupied with big-noting himself than actually solving the case so JB gives the lieutenant a hand in searching the room. By the way, does this lieutenant look familiar to you?

Recognise him yet? I’ll explain this pic in about two seasons time. Or you could just Google Ron Masak, if you can’t wait that long.

A search of the room brings up a key to a room not in this hotel and a lipstick smudge on the bed. Looks like Hemsley got to show his ‘book’ off after all…they also find a signed copy of Fifty Shades of Grey Woman Unleashed, and a pair of glasses. What they don’t find, however, is Helmsley’s manuscript. Curiouser and curiouser! Done with making phone calls to as many TV crews as he can think of, Comstalk-Codswallop throws Jess out of the room, but not before putting the mystery glasses in her handbag. He’s a bright one, that Codswallop.

Someone tips him off that the umbrella belongs to Horace and the key belongs to Tiffany aka She What Snubbed Our Heroine, and so the DA drags them in for questioning. Tiffany admits giving Hemsley the key so he’d come round and show her his penis manuscript, but says he never showed up. Horace admits that everything is a blur after he got to the hotel bar. I think everything is a blur for him all the time, to be honest.

D.A Codswallop decides he has heard enough and has Horace arrested for murder. Our Heroine takes umbrage a this and lets loose a tirade that I’m pretty sure was the inspiration for this speech last week. Nobody arrests JB’s drinking buddies and gets away with it! This means war, Codswallop! Luckily for Horace the presiding judge only has eyes for hos not bros, and he’s let off the hook, for now, anyway.

JB is on the hunt for the person who left the lipstick in Hemsley’s room and rules out Tiffany and the ex-wife. She runs into Horace in a revolving door, allowing a NEVERBEFORE SEEN REVOLVING DOOR JOKE, before she drags him back to DA Codswallop’s office to make sure he’s not a fugitive. Codswallop himself is interviewing the author of Fifty Shades of Grey Woman Unleashed, and enjoying it a little too much.

And where the bloody hell is Batman anyway?

Unfortunately for D.A Codswallop, Our Heroine interrupts any shenanigans he might have been planning with the safe return of a terrifyingly sober Horace. His hopes are further dashed when it turns out that Ms Unleashed spent the previous night in Horace’s bed. With Horace.

Wait, maybe Horace is Batman?

Horace safely off the hook, he informs Jess that he’s pretty sure he didn’t kill anyone and invites her out for a night of partying with the cast of Jersey Shore (might have made that bit up).

Jess has no time for jelly shots now.

Worst Batsignal ever. I’m starting to think these so-called Gotham awards are nothing but lies. DAMN LIES.

Jess leaves Horace to it, and pays a visit on Frank Lapinksi – he who had the milk carton and bailed up Helmsley in the bathroom. He deftly avoids her questions. Shifty much? JB discovers the second pair of glasses in her bag – too many mysteries to solve at once! Get the lady a scotch already! She alerts Codswallop to the general shiftiness of Frank, and getting the usual non-reaction, goes to see Brady/Winslow.

WAIT, MAYBE MIKE BRADY IS BATM-…no, that’s just silly.

Actually, I think I’m starting to fall in love with Brady/Winslow, he’s so bitchy and he sounds like Ian Holm! He puts his money on Alexis-the-ex, but JB isn’t convinced. After a brief roadblock in the form of Debbie Delancy, JB pays Tiffany another visit but despite her lie about where she was the night before, JB agrees that she didn’t do it.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn Codswallop pays Lapinski a visit, and Lapinksi Labolts out of Lawindow, before getting La-rrested anyway. It turns out Hemsley Post had claimed Lapinksi’s penis manuscript as his own, and Frank was understandably miffed. As they cuff him he admits that he was the one that did Hemsley in, and he’s proud of it, and he’d do it again! (Paraphrasing).

Of course, we reject all mysteries not solved by Our Heroine, and this is no exception. After finding THOSE glasses in her bag again, and seeing Horace model them for her, Jess has an inkling of an idea of who the killer might be. She gives Horace money for the cab and scarpers for the optometrist.

And by cab I mean batmobile. Oh who am I kidding, Batman’s not coming is he?

A quick trip to the optometrists, and it’s as JB feared. But not me, because I’d forgotten all about her.

Yep. Life Lesson #32 – only meeting someone for 30 seconds doesn’t mean they haven’t bumped somebody off.

Ugh. Really?

I MEAN COME ON. First you lure me in with promises of Batman, and now the chick who gives JB a short story to read just happens to be Frank Lapinsky’s brother? That’s what you’re going with?

Debbie D informs Jess that she’d had no intention of killing Helmsley, she’d just defended her womanhood after Hemsley got a bit too eager to show her his manuscript. And by manuscript I mean penis.

Well, that’s something I’d believe. But that’s brought us to the end of a Batman-free episode of Murder She Wrote. OH MY GOD, MAYBE AMOS IS BATMAN!!??

See you next week, Fletcherfans!


S01E17 – Sudden Death


Our heroine still hasn’t made it back to the Cove, and I for one am having serious Amos withdrawals. How on Earth is the town coping in JB’s absence?

To be fair, JB isn’t doing too badly outside the Cove, even though she’s at the funeral of her great-uncle Cyrus

Catching the bus from Happy Vale Retirement Home to the Home of Eternal Rest = HILARIOUS METAPHOR

At which funeral she is accosted by her great-uncle’s attorney, Bosley Brad Lockwood.

Fact: for a long time I thought Bosley and Amos Tupper were the same person. In my defence, I was probably drunk. (I don’t know who I thought Howard Cunningham was)

It turns out the old boy has left JB some shares in a Mystery Company, and is eager to get her signature on some documents. Our Heroine is no slouch though, and refuses to sign. Why the hell would she? She’s just inherited shares in a football team!

A football team? You know, that’s very exciting Mr Lockwood. (pause). I think I’ll just take a look… – JESSICA FLETCHER

Sidenote: here’s what I know about American Football – nothing. And when I don’t know/understand/care about a sport I happen to be watching (which is usually rugby) I apply Australian Rules football rules to it in order to make sense of it/fake an interest. So, if in reading the rest of this post you think I may have missed some of the finer points of American Football, that will be the reason.


Jessica hurries to the stadium to checkout her latest arses assets, but is rudely interrupted by a giant helmet on wheels (not code):

If I had a dollar for every time I was nearly run down by a giant helmet on wheels…

The helmet-mobile is being driven by an 8-year-old deaf girl and someone who turns out to be the Kardashian step-father in real life, thereby answering something I’ve always wondered about – what exactly does a Kardashian do?

Kardashian-man apologises for nearly running Our Heroine over (and for inflicting his stepdaughters on us all (lol j/k no he didn’t) and they cruise off into the sunset in their Helmet-Car-of-Wonder. Meanwhile, JB interrupts an incredibly helpful scene where the owner of the team, Phil Kruger reminds himself who else works there by yelling at them loudly and including their job titles – Lockwood-the-lawyer, Patillo-the-coach, Dillon-the-equipment-manager/token-black-guy and Mason-the-defensive-captain/Ron-Swanson-lookalike.

Kruger is less than thrilled to see someone with a vagina walking into his office, but takes it all back when he discovers that Our Heroine holds the balance of power in the ownership stakes. Phil immediately throws everyone out and takes JB on a tour of the facilities, mostly so he can offer to buy her out. JB is flattered, but not interested. Undeterred, Kruger offers to pick JB up later that night and take her to the player party being thrown by local man-about-town Web McCord (not kidding. WEB MCCORD!)

Back at the hotel JB is accosted by Coach Patillo, who offers to buy her out. JB is delighted at having so many men throwing money at her, but she declines. Later, when Kruger picks her up he throws some more money at her, but JB holds out. She’s got no interest in business discussions, or keeping track of who’s going where right now – she’s at a party dammit!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single party in possession of a large amount of alcohol must be in want of Brendan Fevola.

Alas, Kruger is not having such a good time, what with being dead in the bathtub at the stadium. The local constabulary arrive to do their thang, and an early favourite for Most Likely Suspect is established – they think the Kardashian did it. (Impossible, as Kardashians don’t do anything).

JB is at the scene, flexing her owner muscle (although sadly not literally, because that would be amazing). The detective quickly changes his tune when he realises she’s the owner and agrees to everything that she says, but he’s still convinced that Zack Kardashian Dude, even more so after they find his watch in the bathtub. They pick him up, but he protests his innocence. He had his reasons for killing Kruger, but he’d rather keep them to himself, and more to the point he claims someone broke into his locker and stole his watch.  Meanwhile, Bosley is on the phone to Charlie Kruger’s almost-ex wife, telling her to get back into town and claim her money.

JB heads to training, and promptly starts a melee on the field with her presence, in which her probable new boyfriend the defensive captain is knocked out. Oops. Undeterred, she steps over him to find out from the coach what Zach’s no-cut contract meant. (Turns out it means that even though he’s injured, he still gets paid. Sweet deal huh?) Still on the trail, JB goes to see Dillion the equipment dude who is hanging out in the locker rooms. Soon after the team arrives, including JB’s new probable boyfriend, who is without pants and a little embarassed.

It takes a little while for JB to notice the unexpected penis, but she gets there.

Turns out he was pleased to see her.

JB quickly departs the locker room for the shooting gallery (can someone say METAPHOR?) where she finds the football commissioner, the investigating lieutenant and Web McCord shooting clay pigeons. They are all convinced of Zach Kardashian’s guilt, but JB isn’t giving up just yet. She goes back to the arena to hunt for clues – sneaking past the worlds worst security guard to do so – and breaks into a locker to prove a point. It all goes a bit wrong when she is locked in the sauna by a Mysterious Gloved Hand, but Mr Dillion the equipment dude comes to her rescue. Rather than be scared off, JB is delighted! She’s on the right track!

To celebrate, she heads to the track to catch up with her probable new boyfriend and Ron Swanson lookalike, and engages in a bit of light stretching, if you know what I mean.

*insert inappropriate joke here*

Still without a suspect, she goes to visit Zach Kardashian again, wearing her Serious Neckerchief.

Life Lesson #30 – To show you mean business, wear a neckerchief.

It turns out that their daughter, the deaf girl, is adopted and that someone suspiciously Kruger-sounding was making threatening anonymous phone calls, suggesting that the adoption wasn’t strictly legal and that he would report them to the authorities.

JB takes time out to call Amos and make sure she hasn’t left the back door open (not kidding), and is about to jump in the bath when she is rudely interrupted by the commissioner, who wants to suss out Jess’s chances of selling her stock to Web McCord. Jess politely throws him out, but not before she learns of the existence of Mrs Kruger, who Bosley was on the phone to earlier.

A hot bath and a good night’s sleep later, JB goes to pay Mrs Kruger a visit, not bothering to worry about things like permission. Life Lesson #31 – Open door = open invitation. Upstairs she discovers that the bathroom carpet is soaking wet (but doesn’t appear to be concerned that the bathroom is carpeted. These wacky rich men and their wackiness). While she mulls this over, a shadow ninja threatens to shoot her…


…but it turns out to be the devastated widow of Kruger, and by devastated I mean dollar signs for eyeballs. She very helpfully calls the police, and  the lieutenant pops in to give his two cents worth. It is agreed that Kruger was probably killed here, but who could have done it? Every single person in the world had a motive, so how could they prove it?

Stumped, Jess is hanging out in the locker-room before the big game (LIKE A BOSS), when she notices a cork board filled with photos from the party. She notices that a certain somebody has changed jackets halfway through the night – because the first one got soaking wet in a bathtub, perhaps?

Damn straight. One disguised phone call later and JB catches the killer with his hand down the drain.

I told you Kardashian’s don’t do anything.

The man with the terrible name had hatched a plot to gain total control of the football team, and get Zach Kardashian off the team in the process. And he would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that meddling JB.
To celebrate, JB does a lap of the field in the helmet car – something I have now added to my list of things to do – and says goodbye in the traditional Cabot Cove manner.

Peace out dawg.

Until next time, dear reader.