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S05E09 – Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

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You guys! WE’RE INVITED TO A WEDDING!

Weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around! (Captain Jack Sparrow is my spirit guide)

Nothing says romance like Fishkill.

Oh wait a minute. Here’s the bride and groom:

I take it back I'm not coming I'm washing my hair

I take it back I’m not coming I’m washing my hair

Preparations are in full swing for the wedding of the millenium, and Jess has arrived to be the voice of sanity in all the chaos, and also to insist that Donna and Grady open her present right away.

All the better for taking a good hard look at yourself Grady

All the better for taking a good hard look at yourself Grady

JB’s gift to them is the mirror she got from her  mother on her wedding day. She tells them she thought they’d need something old, and it also brought great luck to Frank and her.

Dammit Grady!

Dammit Grady!

Donna is whisked away by her mother Maisie to prepare for the rehearsal. Grady reminds her that he might need to attend that too and Maisie agrees, but says she wishes she would stop seeing Wilfred down the end of the aisle. Wilfred, it turns out, is Donna’s childhood sweetheart and the man Donna’s parents still wish she would marry. Gotta admit, I kind of feel bad for Grady a bit.

A BIT.

Jess is joined by the housekeeper, Harriet, and it was bugging me for ages that I recognised her voice but IMDB solved the case.

Berta from Two and a Half Men, a show once loved by my Grandma #weird

Berta from Two and a Half Men, a show once loved by my Grandma #weird

Harriet scolds Jess for attempting to put her suitcase on the bed, and tells her there will be hell to pay if she doesn’t sharpen her pencils over the bin.

Later that night the family sits down to  the dinner table, joined by Donna’s Uncle Ben who is precisely the type of uncle you are imagining right now. He spends a good amount of time winking salaciously at Jessica, who asks him what he does for a living but the answer is quickly cut off by Donna’s father quizzing Grady on accounting practices. Thug life.

Ben excuses himself, saying he needs ice to cool down his hot blood, “you know what I mean Jessica?”

She is so badass.

She is so badass.

In the kitchen, Ben has a fondle of Harriet’s backside. Harriet reacts appropriately.

*insert Charlie Sheen joke here*

*insert Charlie Sheen joke here*

The doorbell rings and they are soon joined by Maisie’s brother Ziggy Stardust and his new wife Valerie. Some dramatic tension gets thrown about when it seems like Harriet and Valerie recognise each other but the moment passes and Jess shows them to their rooms on account of Harriet going off to abuse a soup tureen probably. Later that night, Jess is chillaxing with a book when she is interrupted first by Uncle Ben on the prowl (after her or Valerie, I think the phrase is ‘any port in a storm’), and then by Grady and Donna who aren’t coping with anything but specifically Donna’s parents.

The next morning, chaos sets in early. Harriet picks a fight with the wedding caterer, and Ben decides it would be a good idea to slap Jessica’s bum as she walks past to see Donna’s father in his office.

Isn't it great that now women aren't treated as objects oh wait...

Isn’t it great that nowadays women aren’t treated as objects oh wait…

Jess goes in to try and spruik her nephew’s fine qualities to Donna’s father, (may the force be with her on that) but Maisie interrupts them to announce that the caterer is threatening to walk out as Harriet won’t let him in the kitchen and now Harriet has disappeared. Jess volunteers to help Maisie look for her, but is unaware of the situation in the bushes just next to her.

Just so we're clear, Harriet is facedown in the  petunias.

Just so we’re clear, Harriet is facedown in the petunias.

While the Hunt for Red October Harriet continues, Ben attempts to coach Ziggy in marital harmony but is distracted by the arrival of the waitresses. Jess meets Cousin Clara, who is very keen to get hold of some food. Grady sneaks into Donna’s bedroom to tell her he’s not taking the job at her father’s firm, and that they definitely shouldn’t move in next door in the house the Mayberry’s bought them as a wedding present. Grady goes to confront Donna’s father, gets nowhere, and whinges to Jess that maybe Donna should be with Wilfred, since their wedding appears to be cursed. “Nonsense” says Jess. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Now I can’t really explain what happens next, but if you’ve seen it y0u know what I’m talking about and if you haven’t, there are sound effects involved that left me looking like this:

k2

In any case, the Chief of Police is called and makes the following discovery, not edited by me in any way.

l1 l2

Nailed it

Nailed it

I don’t even.

Slocum decides in 30 seconds that the culprit is a professional burglar, but his mind is blown when Jess gently explains to him that it would appear the wrapping paper from the present was placed in Harriet’s hand as an afterthought to cover up the motive of the crime. More importantly, the killer has to still be in the house as the guard told Jess earlier when she was looking for Harriet that no one had left the premises.

While the wedding guests are redirected to the open bar, Jess and Slocum begin the investigation. Jess shows Slocum where the meat thermometer was kept, and tells him that the killer can’t have been acquainted with the house since they didn’t know where the knives were kept and went for the handiest weapon. This probably means that the body was moved to buy time.

Slocum is on board so far.

Nailing it

Nailing it

Meanwhile, Donna and Grady’s attempts to talk to her father about their future are overshadowed by the arrival of Wilfred, the ex-boyfriend and shining light to the Mayberry parents.

Not so much any more.

*starts humming Born in the USA*

*starts humming Born in the USA*

Outside, Ben and Ziggy suddenly realise that neither of them have a cousin Clara. Jess goes in to investigate and discovers that Clara is in fact a wedding crasher.

Ugh you guys, lets cut to the chase because this episode is weird.

Mmmmkay

Mmmmkay

Turns out Valerie accidentally on purpose killed her ex husband, and Harriet was her maid, And honestly, whatever.

As Grady and Donna finally tie the knot, I think Jessica sums it up best.

I need to lie down.

I need to lie down.

S05E08 – Prediction Murder

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Fletcherfans, remember that time last week Lee Goddard took Jess back to his ranch to hear the sales pitch of a life time? Well, it’s happening, and as you can see it’s going well.

Yep. Nope.

Yep. Nope.

Although,his house is working in his favour as far as I’m concerned.

*starts shouting the theme from Game of Thrones*

*starts shouting the theme from Game of Thrones*

Inside House Goddard JB meets ranch worker Greta Olsen, who is about to return to Sweden to renew her work visa, Lee’s son Dell, who is delighted to see JB, and Dell’s wife Jill, who floats across the room, impressed with Jess’s aura that says Jess must be at peace with the universe.

 

Heh heh heh

Heh heh heh

“I don’t know about the universe, but Cabot Cove has been very quiet lately.” Says JB. (read: noone’s been murdered).

Lee introduces JB but Jill already knows, saying Jess is just as Lee described her – strong, but delicate, intelligent and emotional.

Nawwwwwww

Nawwwwwww

Seeing Lee’s face Jill says “Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”

Damn hippie

Damn hippie

The clock chimes and Jillian decides that if she doesn’t rush to meditate on her ectoplasmic spirit, she’ll be out of sorts for the rest of the day.

And by ectoplasmic spirit I can only assume she means

The only ectoplasmic spirit worth meditating on (source)

That night, a party is held at the ranch to celebrate Slimer transit of Venus things, and Jess meets Del’s friend Katherine Aaron who explains star signs to her.

This might be my new favourite thing.

This might be my new favourite thing.

Katherine’s husband Ben has no time for such business either (apparently he he lost some major clients and is a tad stressed) so he adjourns to the bar. JB is then accosted by Jill, who wants to tell her more about her alpha level of consciousness, but luckily for all concerned they are interrupted by the arrival of a helicopter, delivering the night’s special guest – Francesco the Psychic.

Enter standard creepy dude.

Enter standard creepy dude.

Francesco moves about the room, throwing down predictions like it ain’t no thang, until he gets to Jill. Then, a change. Jill will be happy, then her throat will constrict, but she will be saved by a friend. There’s a carousel, but it will be okay.

We are unamused.

We are unamused.

Then, Francesco gets all worked up. FLAMES! FLAMES AND FIRE!

Don't milk it love.

Don’t milk it love.

Francesco runs outside, closely followed by Del who demands to know what the hell that was about. Francesco tells him he felt fire and death.  Oh whatever.

The next morning, while Jill defends Francesco to Jessica, there is a Dramatic Incident.

You call that over-acting? THIS is over-acting.

You call that over-acting? THIS is over-acting.

Fortunately JB is there to save Jill from the Great Toast Choking Incident (incidentally, pfft, I once choked on a dumpling and had to save myself #badass) which unexpectedly freaks Jill out more – if Francesco was right about this what else was he right about?

After breakfast Jill demands the ranch foreman saddle her horse for a ride, and tells Dell she wants to be alone. Meanwhile, Lee takes Jess on a tour of the ranch, which happens to include a bid for Jess’s affections. Jess is thankfully interrupted by Jill’s horse galloping along the ravine floor – without Jill. Lee and Jess go to investigate and find Jill unconscious on the ground.

When she wakes up, back at the ranch, she immediately says Francesco predicted this too – he saw carousels but he clearly meant horses. Naturally. She demands that Del find Francesco and bring him back to the ranch so she can find out more about the fire but Francesco can’t be found. While Del hunts for him Jill decides to visit  Katherine, and tells Lee she will be back later that evening. Lee  tries to bring up his ‘sales pitch’ with Jess but she gently shoots him down.

Later that night Francesco arrives back at the ranch, having been ‘summoned’ by the voice of Jill insisting she was in danger. They are soon joined by Katherine, who arrives wanting to see how Jill is doing. She’s surprised and alarmed to learn that Jill was supposed to have been at her house all afternoon.

Del, Lee and Roy the foreman go hunting for Jill but there’s no sign of her. Meanwhile, Francesco tells Jess she gives off bad vibrations.

Jess is giving 0 bothers this episode and I love it

Jess is giving zero bothers this episode and I love it

Francesco ducks JB questions, and Del’s punches when he returns demanding answers. Suddenly the phone rings, and Lee puts it on speaker. It’s a disembodied voice with a ransom demand and a clear lack of experience in ransom calls since it says “I repeat, I will say this once and only once.”

It conveniently turns out that the amount the Voice demands – one million dollars – is precisely the amount Lee keeps in his safe in his office. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT? He arranges to collect the money so that Del can take it to the ransom site the next morning. Jess suggests they call the police but they all refuse.

The next morning, the ransom drop appears to go off without a hitch, Jill calls home and says the kidnappers left a car for her and she’ll drive back. Cut to the car driving over a cliff and the local constabulary investigating a smouldering wreck. Lee and Del go to identify the body and return with the news the only things that weren’t burned were the ring and the bracelet Del had given her.

Inside, JB finds Francesco going through Jill’s drawers. The hell? Francesco tells her he was hoping to find something that contained Jill’s aura so that he might communicate with her. Ugh, whatever bro. He tell’s JB he can’t stay for much longer anyway, his wife has them booked on a flight to Hong Kong in a few days. After he leaves Jess looks at the book he was examining (for aura traces) and finds that it’s Jill’s day planner, containing entries like ‘PSYCHIC SEMINAR” and ‘GO TO DENTIST”.

A short time later, Lieutenant Turner has arrived with an update on the situation. Dental records have confirmed the body was Jill’s but he also tells them that it would appear someone tampered with the brakes. He’s heard about the business with the death predictions and and asks to speak to Francesco, but is informed Francesco has already left, and when he asks to speak to Del is told he’s down at the funeral parlour making arrangements.

Jess and Lee take a walk and Jess outlines her suspicions – she thinks the ransom call was actually a recording, which means Francesco could have been involved – or Dell. Meanwhile Turner has caught up with Francesco – or Leonard Steigler as he’s also known – and tells him he’s going down. Francesco tells him he was hired by Del to make those predictions about Jill’s imminent demise

Turner confronts Del who admits that he hired Francesco to convince Jill that her marriage was evil and then she would leave, because Del didn’t have the balls to do it himself. Ugh Del you are such a Grady. Jess asks him about the night of the party, when Del confronted Francesco after his little performance to demand an explanation it was actually because Francesco went off-script and Del confirms it. He runs off, followed by his father, leaving JB to puzzle it out. Turner asks her what’ s up and she says it’s still bothering her that the kidnapper knew about the money in Lee’s safe, or that the ransom site was somewhere well known to Del. She takes him upstairs and shows him Jill’s dayplanner, with the  GO TO DENTIST entry. She tells him she thinks it actually says G.O to dentist, as in Greta Olsen, the maid who allegedly went back to Sweden the day after the party. She tells Turner to release Francesco, she thinks it will clear everything up.

Once released, Francesco is at the airport with his wife when they accost him again. He tells his wife to go on without him but JB asks her to come too. Since it isn’t actually his wife…

Damn hippie!

Damn hippie!

Jess nailed them early on – Jill choking on a piece of toast just after Francesco predicted it was either a coincidence of gargantuan proportions, or they were in on it together. BITCH YOU JUST GOT FLETCHERED.

And on that bombshell…

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

PS – Thank you to everyone who’s been commenting on things while I was away. I haven’t had a chance to reply to them yet but I’m always happy to hear you guys are enjoying my regular descents to my alpha level of consciousness, as it will be known henceforth.

S05E07 – The Last Flight Of The Dixie Damsel

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Salutations Fletcherfans!

Apologies for the unexpected hiatus but I have returned! (And as a side note to the update I posted on Facebook during the week, Mum found a bamboo purse like Sofia’s in a second hand store but it was $250 dollars I mean what is that.)

But never mind all that now, because we need to talk about this guy:

Phowar

Fun fact: This is the character Tom Cruise is based on in Top Gun (probably not true)

THAT, Fletcherfans, is Flight Navigator Frank Fletcher (also known as Mr JB Fletcher), recently rescued along with two of his crew after his cargo plane went down in the Alaskan wilderness. Unfortunately the plane and one of the crew, Gagliano, were not found.

Cut to the present, where JB gets a phone call from her friend Bonnie Phelps, wife of Clint Phelps, one of the other crew members, with some astonishing news. The Dixie Damsel has been found and Clint has been asked to go to the Air Force base. JB is stunned, but thinks there’s something Bonnie isn’t telling her. Bonnie confesses that Clint thinks something is up.

Jess heads straight to California, to Crawford Air Base, just to see what’s up and is struck down with a terrible case of nostalgia. Inside, Clint and Bonnie are delighted to see her and they reminisce about the girls living in San Diego while Clint and Frank flew between Korea and Japan during the war. Clint tells JB that Frank would be furious that the plane has turned up, as it would mean that General Havermeyer would finally get the Cadillac he made them transport back to America from Japan all those years ago. They are joined by Major Kevin Cooper who tells JB her presence isn’t required and that he will be back to interrogate Clint once the other crew members have arrived. JB demands answers.

Major Cooper asks JB what Frank told her about the events surrounding the downing of the Dixie Damsel and she tells him what she knows – that  there was a terrible storm, they tried to fly over it and couldn’t and that they bailed when the pilot set the controls to automatic. She also says that she knows Galiano got seperated from the rest of the crew but she wasn’t sure what happened. Cooper thanks her and tells her she’s free to return to Maine and that he will have Frank’s duffel bag sent up to her once it has been retrieved from the plane. Jess is set to argue the point when a rumble of engines signals the arrival of the Dixie Damsel, which despite being stuck in a snow drift for 35 years was still flyable. Convenient.

Jess, Clint and Bonnie go out to watch the plane pull in and are amazed to see Lee Goddard emerge from the plane. Clint asks him what’s going on but before he can reply they see an American flag draped coffin being put into the back of the coroner’s car. It’s Sergeant Gagliano. Clint refuses to believe it, saying Gagliano bailed with the rest of the crew but Lee tells them it was impossible – he’d been shot in the chest and never left the plane.

Clint is furious when Cooper suggests that one of the crew members was responsible for the death of Sergeant Gagliano but Cooper is unmoved.

Not gonna lie, all I know is that this is John Shaft and Bart sang the theme in a karaoke bar in an episode of the Simpsons

Not gonna lie, all I know is that this is John Shaft and Bart sang the theme in a karaoke bar in an episode of the Simpsons

Outside, Jess and Bonnie are talking when Gagliano’s niece Sylvia arrives with her father’s cousin Nicholas Rossi to see Cooper. Jess offers her condolences but Sylvia wants no part of it, in light of the fact that one of them killed her father. Awkward.

Clint and Lee emerge with the news they have to return to the base at 0830 the next morning. Clint is inclined to get the hell out but Jess warns against it. Lee thinks a better idea is to go get some Italian food instead. Meanwhile, Cooper receives Frank Fletcher’s personnel file and asks if the other crewman – Ray Dressler – is coming but his current whereabouts are unknown. He then receives a phone call from General Havermeyer who proclaims he will be arriving at 1000 the next morning to collect his car.

Back at the hotel JB bumps into Sylvia again and tries to mend fences, saying how much she much she loved her father.

“Nope,” says Sylvia, “I hated him for 35 years”

Oh dear

Oh dear

They are joined by Nicholas Rossi, who tells Sylvia it’s cold, and to go back inside. He tells Jess Sylvia is full of grief and doesn’t know what she’s saying.

That night at dinner Jess and Lee are exchanging stories about their late partners when Lee asks Jess if she has anybody

e2

It’s not ANY body it’s THE body and you ain’t touching it #burns #definitelyimpliedifnotactuallysaid

 

Any moves buddy boy Lee were planning to make are unfortunately stymied with the untimely arrival of Ray Dressler, the other crewman from the Dixie Damsel.

They see me combin', they hatin'...

They see me combin’, they hatin’…

Ray is feeling particularly verbose on this fine evening but unfortunately he loses his audience when he refers to Cooper as the ‘uptight gentleman of the coloured persuasion’.

I dare you to say it to Shaft's face bro.

I dare you to say it to Shaft’s face bro.

Lee tries to warn him off but Ray is drunk and gives zero bothers about life, Gagliano (who was a lazy so-and-so), officers (arrogant) and lie detector tests – they all have to take one in the morning but he’s got nothing to hide.

Back at base the next next morning Clint is first up on the detector test. While he’s in there Bonnie tells JB that Clint said two nights before the doomed flight took off Ray Dressler went AWOL, and was almost replaced but turned up in the nick of time. Nicholas and Sylvia arrive to view the body and get the cold shoulder from Ray Dressler, despite Dressler’s belief he recognises Nicholas.

Finished with Clint, Cooper calls JB into his office, accompanied by Lee Goddard. Inside, he tells her in his mind there is an inescapable conclusion to be drawn from the polygraphs – Frank Fletcher killed Gagliano.

What the hell Shaft!

What the hell Shaft!

Before Jess can Hulk out completely, Cooper is informed that General Havermeyer has arrived and departs. Jess is cool and measured, by which I mean she shouts something about Cooper appointing himself Judge Judy Jury and Executioner.

JESS SMASH

JESS SMASH

Jess is convinced that there was another person on the plane, but she doesn’t know how to prove it yet. On rifling through Cooper’s desk, however, (attagirl) she finds a picture of Gagliano’s body and goes straight to Cooper with it. Gagliano isn’t wearing a parachute. Cooper doesn’t want her any where near the hangar but General Havermeyer tells her to go right ahead and look. Inside, she notices that there are airholes drilled into the unlocked trunk of the Chevy, something that is news to Havermeyer. He tells her to investigate away, but later Cooper tells her that she has until Havermeyer departs the next day. If she hasn’t got proof, the case is closed.

After a hard day’s digging around in the archives trying to find out more information about Pete Gagliano JB meets Clint, Bonnie and Lee for dinner. Ray is also at the restaurant so JB decides on a little friendly interrogation which yields nothing more than some racial epithets, a suggestion that Clint was involved and a lot of slurring. Nice. The situation improves slightly when Ray goes outside, gets stabbed and then comes crashing down on a table back in the restaurant. Sucked in.

In the hospital he comes clean about what happened between Clint and Gagliano. Gagliano caught Clint in an afterhours geisha house and was blackmailing him to stay on the crew of the Dixie Damsel, which made no sense to Jess since everyone said Gagliano was lazy and didn’t want to work. She has a sudden idea and goes down to the base to test it out.

Clint and Bonnie arrive to request permission to leave. Cooper tells Clint he is free to take his duffel bag but Clint has no need of it and goes off into the sunset. Nicholas then arrives looking for Gagliano’s duffel bag for Sylvia, who he says wants the bag as a memory of her father.

Jess points out to Cooper that it’s weird someone who doesn’t want to claim the body wants to claim an old bag, and a quick investigation reveals THE BAG IS NOW DIAMONDS.

And that’s not all.

Ah yes. The old diamonds in the soles of the duffels  trick.

Ah yes. The old diamonds in the soles of the duffels trick.

Cousin Nicholas was actually Gagliano’s partner in smuggle-crime, and when the heat got to be too much in Seoul, he got fake papers to get him to Japan, where he hid in the trunk of the car. What happened after that, noone knows. All we do know is that Lee Goddard has just told Jess he’s taking her to Tucson for the weekend to hear the sales pitch of a life time. So for now…

See you next week!

See you next week!

 

And now, a word from our sponsor.

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Merry Christmas Fletcherfans. I hope your presents are shiny, your food is delicious, and your wine flowing. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more shenanigans in 2015.

S05E06 – Wearing Of The Green

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Our Heroine is down in NYC this week Fletcherfans, at the store of Blackthorn and Sons, hoping to gain inspiration for her next book but instead getting the time-proven comedy routine of Laszlo and Stavros that involves smashing a fake diamond with a hammer and a lot of yelling.

Classic Laszlo

Classic Laszlo

Jess meets the company’s designer, Andrea Dean, but as yet has not met the son of Blackthorn, Hudson Blackthorn, who is tied up in a meeting with his store manager Diane Raymond and his head of security Leo Selkirk about the Queen of Tara Tiara and promises to meet her for dinner that night. It would seem all is not well in House Blackthorn, Diane is in love with Hudson and is worried that Andrea might be stepping on her turf. That old story.

Over dinner Hudson tells JB about his staff, but isn’t too eager to talk about himself. He’s relieved when JB tells him she wants to see the vaults but that Leo was hesitant to let her in without written permission. Hudson and Jess return to the store, Hudson shows off his state of the art 1980s technology but as they get to the vault, and meet the night guard Mr Wilson, the alarm goes off and there’s a loud bang, They rush to the front of the store and find the front door blown open, the Queen of Tara Tiara missing and an envelope full of cash in it’s place.

BOOM. HEIST TIME.

NYPD’s finest arrive in the form of Detectives Bess Stacey and Kathleen Chadwick (and the fact it’s taken til season 5 for there to be two female cops has not gone unnoticed). Chadwick confirms nothing else has been taken and Stacey struggles with fact that the missing item is called the Queen of Tara Tiara.

Fun fact: Detective Stacey on the left there is the daughter of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.

Fun fact: Detective Stacey on the left there is the daughter of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.

JB has no time for this “you say tara I say tiara” routine and investigates the front door. She remarks that it’s odd that the door was blown out, like the explosion had occurred on the inside, not the outside, suggesting an inside job. Stacey and Chadwick go to interrogate the night guard Wilson who tells them he didn’t check every office and promptly collapses. This is all too much for Detective Stacey, who starts interrogating JB as to how long she’s been in town and just why she’s so interested in the vault.

To be fair, considering the body count she's racked up it's not unreasonable.

To be fair, considering the body count she’s racked up it’s not unreasonable.

JB is free to go – for now – and go she does. Hudson sends her back to the hotel but remains at the store. He’s soon joined by Diane and a pesky reporter by the name of Ken Parrish who has been lurking around the store trying to get more information about the Queen of Tara. Diane and Hudson adjourn inside where Hudson is horrified to learn that the tiara isn’t insured for its full worth. They’re joined by Leo Selkirk who fails at saying I told you so.

(Side note, the acting is pretty good in this episode).

The next morning JB is chowing down on some breakfast at the hotel cafe when Ken Parrish sits down at her table to pump her for information about the Tara Tiara. When she tells him she actually knows next to nothing about it he takes her around to the Siobhan O’Dea Theatre for a lesson in tiaras and recluses.

Are you ready kids? It’s story time.

In 1957 the screen sensation Siobhan O’Dea staged her final big show at the theatre that now bears her name in a show called The Fields of Tara, a play she comissioned herself since she believes she’s descended from the Ancient Kings of Tara. Which I assume means Ireland. At the closing night party she received the tiara as a gift from her then fiance, Winfield Sprock. Before he could become husband number 4, he choked to death on an oyster at the Empire Grill.

JB reacts to this news the same way I would.

Fact: Oysters Kilpatrick are an incredibly inefficient bacon delivery system.

Fact: Oysters Kilpatrick are an incredibly inefficient bacon delivery system.

After Winfield’s oyster-related demise, Siobhan’s career went into decline, and she sold the tiara to cover her mounting debts. She became a recluse and hasn’t been seen in public for 12 years.

JB thinks this is all well and good, but fails to understand how this has anything to do with her. And there’s the clincher – Ken can’t get in to see Siobhan, but he knows she’s a massive fan of JB, so if JB went to see Siobhan….

GODDAMN SHE'S FIERCE I WISH I WAS THAT FIERCE HOW DO I BE THAT FIERCE

GODDAMN SHE’S FIERCE I WISH I WAS THAT FIERCE HOW DO I BE THAT FIERCE

Not for nothing, but the actress who plays Siobhan O’Dea was pretty foxy in her time. Fun fact, she used to be married to Howard Hughes, and was a recluse for a time. I can only imagine how dinnertime was in that house.

Meanwhile all is not well in House Blackthorn and JB arrives at HQ just as Andrea Dean flounces out over a pay dispute. JB tells Hudson that she’s going back to Maine until everything calms down, but before she can take her leave there’s a phone call – Laszlo is missing and there’s no answer at his apartment.

Oh yeah, MURDER she wrote, not STOLEN she wrote.

Needless to say, Laszlo has in fact shuffled off his mortal coil and is now an ex-Laszlo. JB orders everyone out of the apartment but not before noticing a ceremonial knife holder on the wall (the contents of which now sticking out of Laszlo) and a picture of Laszlo with Siobhan O’Dea.

That plot sure thickened quickly.

JB goes down to the precinct to inform Stacey that she’s decided to go back to Maine, but Stacey is having her own crisis involving an out of work husband, a backed up sink, a son failing English and a partner that’s off seeing a shrink. “You ever have one of those days?” She asks JB.

I mean, there's GRADY for a start...

I mean, there’s GRADY for a start…

JB casually drops it into the conversation that Laszlo was found dead by herself, Hudson and Diane Raymond earlier that day. Stacey is a little sceptical that JB just happened to find Laszlo’s body but is interrupted by an anonymous caller telling her that she saw the killer – Ken Parrish. This lets JB off the hook, until her packing for Cabot Cove is interrupted by a lawyer from Parrish’s TV network. Ken Parrish is requesting her help to prove his innocence.

Never one to turn down a plea for help, JB goes to see Ken in prison. He tells her that yes he was at Laszlo’s apartment that night, noone saw him and he didn’t kill Laszlo.

It’s story time again.

Ken tells JB that he was sitting outside Siobhan’s apartment, trying to work out how to get in to see her when he spotted Laszlo going into the building carrying a brown paper bag that he swears contains the tiara. When Laszlo came out 10 minutes later without the brown paper bag Ken followed him home, parking illegally in the process. Ken went up to Laszlo’s apartment to talk to him but Laszlo wouldn’t let him in. Ken suspected someone else was in the apartment but he couldn’t say who.

Detective Stacey is less than impressed when JB tells her the story a short time later, but agrees that if JB goes into Siobhan’s apartment and finds something then she will investigate it.

JB pays Siobhan O’Dea, Havishaming it up in her apartment across the street from her theatre. JB spots the tiara amongst some mementos and Siobhan tells her Laszlo gave it to her as a present.

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP MR DEMILLE man that's a good movie though I haven't watched that in ages

I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP MR DEMILLE man that’s a good movie though I haven’t watched that in ages

Back at the precinct Stacey is contemplating increasingly ridiculous theories about how the Queen of Tara stole the Queen of Tiara Taras when Chadwick gets a call. It turns out, the Queen of Tara Tiara is a Fake-ara. Ye Gods, I’m cracking up.

Hudson of House Blackthorn confirms the diagnosis but is perplexed – where’s the real one? Stacey accuses him of stashing it but he asks what would the point be, since the insurance didn’t cover the whole amount. JB decides that Laszlo made the copy and left the envelope full of cash to cover the cost of the gold and jewels he used to make the copy. That’s fine, says Hudson, but there’s no way Laszlo made the copy, he didn’t have the expertise.

Which can only mean one thing.

Shoutout to all the Walking Dead fans out there.

Shoutout to all the Walking Dead fans out there.

In her defence (?) it was an accident. She was trying to get the Tara Tiara Tara Tiara back from Laszlo and they fought and so on and so forth and if I never write the word Tara Tiara again I will be a very happy little hobbit.

Until next time

TARA TIARA TO YOU MY FRIENDS

TARA TIARA TO YOU MY FRIENDS

S05E05 – Coalminer’s Slaughter

2 Comments

Disclaimer: This wasn’t the best episode. I worked out who the killer was in 9 minutes. You have been warned.

On the road in West Virginia this week gang, where a mining company is celebrating another quarter of productivity by throwing its employees a dance. That might be the most boring sentence I’ve ever written. In any case, despite the big boss guy Tyler Morgan celebrating, not everyone is feeling it. His son Reese is fuming because his daddy is spending his inheritance on a company dance and not on computers to make people redundant (I’m guessing he’s part of the once percent) and he takes his anger out on his mother, who asks him to show his father some respect and is told in response “Like he respected you by cheating on you all these years?”

Ouch.

And then there’s the small matter of the gatecrasher Molly Connors who has returned back to the town to prove that Tyler Morgan was responsible for the death of her father in the mine years earlier.

Holy crap. Megan Mullally is 56!?

Related: I saw an episode of Diagnosis Murder that had the guy who played Will in Will and Grace in it as a sleazy mobster and it was weird.

She introduces herself to Tyler Morgan who declares that she’s turned into a right fine filly since she’s been away, am I right boys? Cue catcalling, URGH YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST. Tyler is less happy to hear that she wants to throw him in jail for the death of her father and orders the sheriff (who once wrote Joy to the World by 3 Dog Night) to arrest Molly for trespassing. At the jail her grandfather Eben turns up set to shoot his way in but Molly calms him down, saying she knows someone who will help bail her out. Her old English teacher, in fact.

Whoever could it be?

I wonder how many people have JB Fletcher as their one phone call from jail...

I wonder how many people have JB Fletcher as their one phone call from jail…

JB’s first order of business is to bail a grateful Molly out, but Molly has no time to explain – she informs the Sheriff she’s off to Yancyville to get a subpoena for Tyler Morgan’s business records from 1978, the year her father died. Outside the sheriff’s office they run into Carlton Reid, the mining union rep, who had been coming to check on Molly. He tells her he’s relieved she’s out, he’d been going to pass the hat around at the union meeting in Yancyville that night but that he’ll just tell everyone the good news instead.

Tyler appears out of his car and is less than pleased that Molly is already out of jail and has dragged “a stranger” into the whole business. Jessica tells him they’re hardly strangers, and that she’s looking forward to spending some time with her formal protege. Tyler points out that there’s no room at Molly and Eben’s place but a helpful passerby, Bridie Harmon, offers her boarding house to Jess for 10 bucks a night. For the record I don’t think Bridie’s son Travis likes Tyler Morgan all that much, as his father died in the same explosion as Molly’s father

Shoutout to all the Children of the Corn who read this blog.

Shoutout to all the Children of the Corn who read this blog.

Later that night JB has dinner with Eben and Molly at which Molly explains how the only possession of her father’s that she took to Cabot Cove was his book of Shakespeare, while Eben oils his gun and acts all crochetty. Guys I think the book is going to be important later on. Meanwhile Tyler gets a phone call and goes out.

Molly drops JB at the guesthouse and says she’d better get home before the storm hits. As JB waves goodbye she notices Bridie Harmon scurrying off into the night. Later, Tyler is shot in his cabin. UGH. This episode must have been written by Grady.

The next morning Jess is walking to Molly and Eben’s house when Reese Morgan appears from behind a bush and points a gun at her. Well that’s rude. He directs her at gunpoint to his father’s cabin where Sheriff Tate is conducting his investigation. He quizzes JB for an alibi but when she says she can’t prove she was in bed asleep at the time of the murder he tells her not to worry, that he doesn’t think she’d have cause to kill someone she’d just met and in any case, “unless I miss my guess you’re about as handy with a gun as I am with knitting needles.”

I don't even know what that means why can't I stop laughing send help

I don’t even know what that means why can’t I stop laughing send help

JB wants to know why he is asking for her alibi when he doesn’t think she’s involved, and the Sheriff says he was hoping she could provide an alibi for someone who needs one.

Cut to Tate breaking the news to Molly and Eben. Neither of them have an alibi, Eben was home alone and Molly had a flat tyre and so didn’t get home until 11:30am. The Sheriff tells them that the gun used to kill Tyler is still missing and Molly tells him to go ahead and search, they have nothing to hide.

In town, JB and Molly run into Carlton who offers to drive them home to avoid the whispers running riot through town. They spot Reese and his mother leaving the funeral home and Molly goes to offer her condolences, saying she wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Carlton offers the suggestion that considering how often Reese fought with his father maybe he was the one  who killed him. A brawl is on the cards but Jess diffuses the situation, pointing out that there won’t be evidence to prove Molly killed Tyler. Except the Sheriff appears with the news he’s just found Tyler’s missing gun under the front seat of her truck.

Awkward.

Despite JB pointing out that it seems ridiculous that a lawyer would leave the murder weapon in their car and not hide it in the woods the Sheriff is unmoved. Not even Eben turning up threatening to return with a posse is enough to get him to release Molly on bail. Back at the boarding house Carlton tells JB he will get the miners Legal Aid service on the case. They overhear Bridie arguing with her son – apparently he was out til three in the morning the night before. He yells that he’s not a baby anymore and that if he wants to go out nights he will…after all Bridie does. He storms off. Carlton goes after him and suggests he was a bit mean to his mother and he wouldn’t be getting away with it if his father was alive. Travis says his father is dead, and so’s the man who killed him.

Inside, JB manages to weasel out of Bridie that she was going to see Tyler on the night he died. They’d been having an affair for quite some time but now that Travis is getting older Bridie didn’t want to do it any more. When she went to the cabin to break it off he was already dead. She didn’t go to the cops because she didn’t want anyone to know about her and Tyler. Tyler’s wife had found out once, back in the old days, which had resulted in her and Tyler not seeing each other for a while. Hell, if Mona found out Bridie and Tyler were back together Mona’d probably kill Tyler…

I feel like this exact thing happened last week.

I feel like this exact thing happened last week.

Jess goes to see Mona to try and get her to calm her son down. Inside, she notices a wall full of shooting ribbons and Mona admits they’re hers. When JB admires them Mona says “hell, most people can shoot the petals off a daisy by the time they’re 10 years old…”

KNIT ONE PURL ONE BITCH

KNIT ONE PURL ONE BITCH

On the way back to town JB runs into Carlton who is worried. The Sheriff reckons he’s got a solid case against Molly. JB is outraged, saying that anyone could have planted the gun in Molly’s car, and Carlton agrees saying anyone could have grabbed the gun from the unlocked cabinet by the door, but that Tate has more. A ledger sheet is missing from the business records from 1978, Eben and a posse of pals are on their way to bust Molly out of jail and Reese could be not far behind.

Meanwhile, outside the Sheriff’s office…

 

h2

 

i2

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

The sheriff tells everyone to go home and take a chill pill and the angry (musical) mob disperses. Inside the sheriff’s station JB asks him why Molly would tell him she’s going to subpoena the records if she’s already stolen one? It’s more likely that someone else has stolen it to prevent some incriminating information getting out. The sheriff doesn’t care, he’s lost the key to his gun rack and he needs to get someone to come break into it for him.

That gives JB an idea and she hightails it out of there to make a call and to ask Bridie just what happened the day her husband and Molly’s dad died in the mine. Bridie tells her that Molly’s father claimed to have found proof that dodgy shenanigans were going down at the mine and that he was going to present proof at the union meeting the next night, but the explosion happened that day.

Meanwhile, down on the farm Ebden is kicking back sharpening his axe when he gets a whack on the head. Jess arrives soon after to find the house empty, and takes the opportunity to hunt down Molly’s father’s copy of the collected works of Shakespeare. Inside the cover, hidden in the dustflap, she finds the proof she needs to confirm the suspicions I had nine minutes into this episode.

"Anybody could have reached into the unlocked gun cabinet by the door and shot Tyler". REALLY MSW WRITERS? REALLY?

“Anybody could have reached into the unlocked gun cabinet by the door and shot Tyler”. REALLY MSW WRITERS? REALLY?

Carlton’s reaction to being discovered as the crooked murdering miner is to try and kidnap Jess, but is thwarted by dem meddling kids.

Carlton went into the corn and was never seen again. And by corn I mean jail.

Carlton went into the corn and was never seen again. And by corn I mean jail.

Now, case closed and I have a confession to make. If it seems like I was vaguely disinterested in this episode it was because a)I refer you to Carlton’s speech about the gun rack and b) whenever I see Megan Mulally in anything these days the following thing happens in my brain:

 

Brain: Huh, Megan Mullally is in this.

Brain: She’s married to Nick Offerman.

Brain: Nick Offerman is Ron Swanson in Parks and Rec.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8ZpEokvNCQ

Later Fletcherfans!

Later Fletcherfans!

S05E04 – Snow White, Blood Red

3 Comments

I’m going to just come right out and say it – this episode is misleading. From the title I was expecting JB was going to have seven jaunty sidekicks  to help her solve the crime BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN WHAT THE HELL WRITERS.

And then there’s the summary on IMDB:

A massive storm results in Jessica snowed in at a ski lodge with an Olympic men’s ski team…

Say what now?

…with a murderer on the loose.

Still, I’m pretty sure JB was devastated to be trapped with the American men’s ski team. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

JB is on a ski holiday awaiting the arrival of Grady Failure (who never turns up, classic Grady) and making friends with the aforementioned US ski team and ski shop owner (and recently retired team member) Mike Lowery and his wife Anne who have a convenient plot point hanging in their store.

This crossbow would later be stolen by Daryl Dixon and used to kill zombies #factsIjustmadeup

This crossbow would later be stolen by Daryl Dixon and used to kill zombies #factsIjustmadeup

Sidenote: the actress who plays Mike’s wife Anne was once in a movie with Billy Bob Thornton called Copper Chicks in Zombieland and I would like to know why I’m only finding out about this now?

I’m getting sidetracked again.

Anyway, it turns out it’s actually the trials for the US Men’s Ski Team and noone’s place is secured, except for renowned lothario and recent meddler in Mike and Anne’s marriage, Gunnar Tilstrom, previously seen as Little John in Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

 

*commences singing "We're Men, We're Men In Tights" for 45 minutes*

*commences singing “We’re Men, We’re Men In Tights” for 45 minutes*

Gunnar is accosted by a woman named Pamela Leeds in the lodge bar who wants know what he was thinking messing around with a gangsters wife in Lake Tahoe, and why is there rumours that he won’t compete in the World Cup. Gunnar is more interested in his beer than answering her questions, even though she’s threatening to tear up the lucrative contract he signed to endorse her company’s product. He’s even less interested in talking to his coach, Karl Andersen who is slightly miffed when he hears via Pamela that Gunnar might not even compete. Gunnar’s response is to shove his coach to the ground and flounce out.

Later that evening Jess arrives to dinner and makes friends with former NYPD cop Ed McMasters and his wife Sylvia. While they eat and Ed talks about retirement the band pause for shoutouts to some of the potential ski team members – Larry McIver, John Dowd (who was in the Irish Riddle Murder She Wrote movie as Irish Pat Cash/fake Bono) and Gunnar, who is sitting with Anne Lowery, much to the disgust of her husband Mike who scowls and leaves the bar. Early the next morning, and despite a snowstorm, Gunnar decides to go for one last run – and is shot to death with a crossbow. How very Walking Dead.

The storm has hit the resort hard and it’s bedlam in the lobby. JB jokingly asks Pamela whether she should take a number and Pamela replies that she thinks it’s women and children first, but this is America so who knows?

USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA!

Word gets back to Mike that Gunnar has been found dead on the ski slope and is horrified to discover his crossbow is missing. They get in touch with the sheriff via radio but the storm has made it impossible for them to get in. They need someone to work in the meantime to protect the evidence and protect the nervous guests, and there’s only one person for the job.

She's just perfect, really.

She’s just perfect, really.

Jess points out there’s a former NYPD detective staying at the lodge but Anne informs her that they left early and got out before the storm hit. And really, she’d end up doing all the work anyway, lets face it.

JB’s first order of business is to examine the body and recruits the closest doctor she can find to assist. Unfortunately the closest person is a gynecologist and he’s not enjoying himself.

A writer, a cop and a gynecologist walk into a bar...

A writer, a cop and a gynecologist walk into a bar…

The cop and the gynecologist, recognising the skills, leave the body to Jess, who finds Gunnar’s room key in his pocket and decides to go check out his room. On the way she bumps into Anne who tells her Gunnar received an urgent phone message that morning from someone called Vicki with a Nevada number. Jess tries the number and finds out that the number belongs to a Vicky Tartaglia and whoever is on the other line is not pleased someone is calling.

In Gunnar’s room Jess finds Mike acting shady. It turns out he was looking for Anne’s cigarette lighter that she left in Gunnar’s room the previous evening AWKWARD. He insists that his wife had nothing to with Gunnar’s death, and he knows this because he was spying on her and she didn’t leave Gunnar’s room until well after seven, after the time of death. Oh dear this is awkward.

Downstairs in the bar Gunnar’s teammates are commemorating their friend by getting wildly drunk, much to the disapproval of team member Larry who leaves them to it. Jess has a chat with Pamela, who at first tells her she barely knew Gunnar but then relents and tells Jess of his habit of ladychasing, allegedly including the mobster’s wife in Lake Tahoe. Jess asks if the woman’s surname was Tartaglia but Pamela is not sure. JB suggests that Pamela sounds a little bitter for someone with no personal relationship with Gunnar and Pamela tells her that yes, considering the contract he signed and the fact he was throwing it away due to his philandering, she was bitter and she could have killed him.

Case closed, let's celebrate with a drink!

Case closed, let’s celebrate with a drink!

Later, the snow is still coming down and Pamela is in the gym having a chat to Larry, who is still unhappy about the wake and is now unhappy that Pamela is sniffing around looking for his signature. Despite her protests that she’s just there working out, he departs to get  changed. Pamela is about to do the same when she is accosted by a drunk Viking in the form of Karl, Gunnar’s coach, who accuses her of looking for a way to get out of Gunnar’s contract, and if he finds out she had anything to do with Gunnar’s death, he’ll kill her. Rattled, she goes into the changerooms and finds Larry’s clothes on the floor and Larry hanging from the shower head after being shot by an arrow. Cue Psycho violins.

While Pamela recovers, Ed McMasters provides the update – Larry was whacked on the head in the mens room, then strung up and shot in the ladies. Anne Lowery appears to inform them that the phone lines are down. JB remembers seeing a four-wheel-drive in the carpark with a CB radio and suggests it would be worth trying to get in touch with the sheriff about that. McMasters decides to have a chat with Karl the Viking in the mean time.

Mike and JB have no luck with the sheriff and return to the store. Jess asks Mike if there was any specific reason why he invited his former team mates to the mountain that weekend and Mike shrugs, saying it was good for business. They are interupted by John Dowd falling through a curtain, shot in the shoulder with a crossbow.

To make matters worse, he has a terrible allergic reaction.

The poor poor man.

The poor poor man.

Meanwhile, in the hall outside John’s room:

And then the musical episode we had to have.

And then the musical episode we had to have.

Jess is convinced that the killer is left handed, and that two of the attacks were an attempt to divert suspicion from the main target. But as to who the target was, she can’t say.

Later that night, while the storm continues going about its stormy business, Jess gets a phone call from Ed’s wife Sylvia. Ed got a phone call, grabbed his gun and rushed out, and now Sylvia’s worried, so worried that she’s jangling bells. Jess rugs up and hunts for Ed at the ski shop. She meets him outside and he tells her someone called to say that they had information and to meet outside the ski shop. Jess suspects it’s a trap, confirmed by the arrow that is now sticking out of the sign above her head. They hear an engine rev and see a… sled? One of those motorised ones? I am against cold weather for moral reasons so in this area I am not entirely down with the lingo. Point is, it’s just come crashing out of the shed and Ed shoots off a couple of rounds, stopping the driver with the crossbow in his tracks.

It’s Karl Anderssen. No more drunk viking. Which in my opinion is the best kind of viking so that’s sad.

Ed McMasters feels the case is closed, but JB is not so sure. She enlists the help of the poor gynaecologist to extract the bullets from Karl’s body, as she suspects Karl might have been shot twice. The gyno guy is still not happy.

ICE TO SEE YOU. I don't care what anyone says, Batman and Robin is gold.

ICE TO SEE YOU. I don’t care what anyone says, Batman and Robin is gold.

JB has a quick look in the shed, notices the phone and is about to return to the lodge when she whacks some sleigh bells hanging on the wall. Tis the season, I suppose.

But that triggers something in the old brain palace for our friend JB.

Think I prefer Masters of Sex to be honest. That's a great show.

Think I prefer Masters of Sex to be honest. That’s a great show.

Ah yes. The old “pretend to be a cop and bump off some bloke that had been shagging the boss’s wife” routine.

Until next time.

Later gang!

Later gang!

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