Guys, remember that time JB went to a tennis tournament and shenanigans ensued? Well, now she’s at another tennis tournament in Boston, and I don’t want to jump to conclusions or anything but Life Lesson #45 TENNIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS SPORT THERE IS.

JB is in fact the honorary chairwoman of this tournament, a gig she presumably got thanks to a former student named Carol McDermott, whom you may recognise.

Please assume that every time I write Sarah Connor, I’m doing a really crap Arnie impression while I’m doing it,.

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott is running the tournament, and opens with an exhibition game against her boss Elliott Robinson where she falls over. True story. Everyone laughs, especially her Carol’s boyfriend Brian. Or Bryan. Or Walter.

Remember that time Andy Garcia was MSW? THIS IS BETTER THAN THAT.

YES THAT IS WHO YOU THINK IT IS.

!!!

BREAKING BAD  MURDER SHE WROTE CROSSOVER SPECIAL THERE I SAID IT. You’re welcome, television.

Anyway.

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott has no time to flirt with Brian/Bryan/Walter – she’s just heard that the number one draw in the women’s field is pulling out due to a ‘pulled muscle’ and to make matters worse her boss’s daughter is after her job as compensation for Sarah Connor Carol McDermott stealing her man. And then there’s the obligatory John McEnroe standin. This week’s model is called Donny Harrigan, and he’s having a lovely tantrum whilst being beaten by Brian/Bryan/Walter.

Seriously though, LOOK AT THOSE SHORTS

Sarah Connor Carol McDermott scolds him and orders him back on the court, much to the delight of everyone except his manager. He tells Sarah Connor Carol McDermott to wise up and Our Heroine to butt out.

I wouldn't if I were you

Later that night there is a shindig at the tennis club. All the gang is there, including the women’s number 1, Cissy Barnes.

I think the screaming in women’s tennis wouldn’t bother me quite as much if they were wearing outfits like this at the same time…

Despite the fact that she looks like Miss Havisham took a lot of acid and time travelled, Cissy informs Carol and her boss Elliott that despite all the money being thrown at her (in the form of tulle, apparently) she’s decided to drop out of the tournament, and to suck it. Elliott orders Carol to retrieve Cissy’s contract but she tells him it’s at home. Brian/Bryan/Walter gallantly offers to retrieve it, collects Carol’s car keys and heads out into the night.

And then explodes.

VENGEANCE.

The five-o roll up and start interviewing anyone who had a grudge against against Brian/Bryan/Walter, namely Donny the Dummy Spitter, and his manager Mitch. JB gently points out that this is stupid, as it was Carol’s car that was bombed, so it would seem safe to assume she was the target. Duh.

JB takes Carol home and decides to stay with her for the night, like the Benevolent Queen of Awesome that she is. She asks Carol if she should call her sister Barbara and Carol flips out, saying “Just because Barbara is back doesn’t mean I want to see her.” She goes to bed, as JB fields a call from a mystery woman who hangs up as soon as she realises JB isn’t Carol.

The next morning, Carol decides to go back to work. JB is still concerned about her wellbeing though, and asks Elliott whether she should call Barbara and tell her to come and stay.

“Barbara? She died in a plane crash.” Says Elliott.

JB asks Carol about the plane crash but Carol is confused, and tells JB that Barbara is well and truly alive, and she’d seen her just the other day. Confused, she goes to see her new pals Detectives Travis and Berger for advice. Detective Travis shows her the plane crash report and gives her the last known address for Barbara McDermott – the cemetery. BAM.

Meanwhile Detective Travis, on a hunch, goes to see Barbara and gets stabbed to death by a mystery person. And by mystery person I mean this guy.

***Definitely not true

JB comes home from the cemetery and finds Carol hysterical on the floor. She tells our heroine that T-1000 Barbara killed Travis. Is it me, or is it getting a little bit Norman Bates in this episode? She takes her to the hospital and goes to see Detective Berger, in mourning for the spin-off Berger and Travis TV show that’s now been nipped in the bud. He is starting to suspect Sarah Connor Carol McDermott of pretending to be “loony tunes” so that she can claim insanity defence. Not gonna lie, that seems like a good theory at this point.

Our Heroine, however, is convinced of Carol’s innocence. She checks in with the Tulle Queen Cissy about Barbara’s whereabouts, but she says she didn’t even know Carol had a sister. JB goes to see Elliott but instead meets his daughter Doris – the one out for Carol’s job. JB asks her about Barbara and Doris tells her about the time she went to pick up some papers and heard a screaming argument between Carol and Barbara. She saw Barbara’s red hair through the window, as she smashed the place up, but she didn’t see Carol.

“You have a vivid memory for something that happened three years ago.” Says Our Heroine.

“It was 3 months ago.” Says Doris. She knows about the plane crash, but she heard Carol call the woman Barbara, so it had to be her? OR WAS IT CAROL PRETENDING TO BE HER? *cue dramatic music*

JB bumps into Elliott, and asks him about Barbara. Again. He tells her that Barbara was a messed up girl who got into trouble and Carol bailed her out. And even when she got committed to a mental hospital Carol made the long round trip to see her every week.

If that sounds like a clue YOU’D BE RIGHT. JB pays the hospital a visit and meets Rosie, a girl who grew up in outer-space who is writing a book about her life (and just so happened to have entered all the patient files into the computer, which seems a little convenient/weird). There was no patient called Barbara McDermott at the hospital. JB asks her to double check, but she says there’s no need, she had to check it twice for a guy from Boston the day before. There was definitely no patient called Barbara McDermott – but there was one named Carol McDermott.

*MOAR DRAMATIC MUSIC!*

Back at the police station, JB tells Detective Berger about her discovery. He knows all about it, and introduces JB to the source of his newly gained information – Barbara McDermott.

*ALL THE DRAMATIC MUSICS!*
*ALL THE DRAMATIC MUSICS!*

The elusive Barbara tells the detective and JB a long, barely worth it story about how her life got flipped turned upside down she had a fight with her sister, picked up a hitch hiker, had her identity stolen (by said hitch hiker who met her end the next day in the plane crash), moved to Seattle, got sober,and came back to Boston to visit her sister who couldn’t believe she was alive. She confesses to calling her the night of Brian’s death – when JB answered the phone. Remember that time that happened? Barbara didn’t realise it was JB, she thought it was Carol being “spooky.”

Detective Berger gets a call and is informed that Carol McDermott has disappeared after receiving a phone call of her own at the hospital. They go to her house and find it completely trashed, a red wig on the floor and dynamite in the kitchen. I think we’ve all had one of those parties…anyway,  the detective is convinced that Carol’s other personality has won out. JB isn’t so sure, and heads back to the tennis club. Not to confront the killer, as it turns out. To confront…her father.

Has ten lines, is the killer. Go figure.

Turned out the Crazy Daughter of Death orchestrated the whole thing – and then Daddy dearest tried to cover it up by kidnapping Carol from the hospital and trying to fake her suicide. Which failed, luckily. Two deaths in one episode  is a lot for MSW.

But lets not dwell on that. I think we should focus on the positives. Like Bryan Cranston’s tennis gear. Or the rain I’m going to bring in season 3 (seriously guys, I got the new DVD this week, there’s going to be some GOLD).

Until next time, dear reader.

Later Fletcherfans!

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