Once upon a time, there was a mythical faraway land called Australia.

I know, I didn’t believe it either, but then I remembered I live here with ALL THE DEADLY ANIMALS.

FACTS

MOAR FACTS

(But it’s funny when they do it to someone else)

Kookaburras will also apparently laugh when a man runs away from a 4WD drops his briefcase and gets shot. Inside the briefcase is an envelope with the name JESSICA FLETCHER ON IT. Can’t imagine that’s going to come up again.

Not only are all the animals plotting against us, but some foreign bigwigs have also decided to build a bauxite mine in Magill Valley, which will apparently put the town of Kookaburra Downs on the map. Worked out well for Mount Seldom Seen and the town of Nowhere Else in Tasmania. Oh yes. You go have fun googling that.

On the subject of Google, I’ve done a little bit of research and I’m here to answer some apparently burning questions the internet has about this made-up country.

  1.  No idea
  2. Currently, it’s because white people turned up and discovered New South Wales, which frankly isn’t a reason to do anything
  3. We have Hemsworths
  4. We have Hemsworths
  5. We are so bloody far away from anything
  6. Because of the global thirst for Hemsworths
  7.  GOOD BLOODY QUESTION
  8. Because we are a top country that invented wifi, black box recorders and Goon of Fortune and we should celebrate that but not on January 26
  9. Because we’re awesome but we can do so much better.
  10. Please see above (I had to google what this meant tbh).

Anyway, there’s a meeting at the Kookaburra Downs hotel to discuss the imminent arrival of the Bauxite mine. The town is about to take over ownership of the Magill Valley unless someone arrives to claim ownership. And thanks to an inexplicably cockney kid who has just run into the room, we all know that a Magill descendant has just arrived off the Brisbane bus.

Angie Lans is third cousin to one of our former prime ministers (I say one of, we have a rotating roster. I’m scheduled to be PM in six months for a week)

JB is checking in to Kookaburra Downs to find out if she is related to the aforementioned Magill Valley founder Eamon Magill. She asks if her lawyer Simon Cathcart has checked in yet, and hotel owner and mayor Tim Jarvis tells her he has, and also there’s a message from local librarian/historian John Molen for Jess to come see him when she is ready.

Fun fact about this episode – precisely zero filming was done in Australia. You know how I know this?

That’s right kids. We exported the bad beer and keep the good stuff. We’re not dumb.

That guy reluctantly drinking the bathwater is Mayor Tim Jarvis’s son Donald and he’s about to get accosted by Boyd Hendricks who would like the forty grand Donald owes him to be repaid. By Friday. Plus ten per cent.

Jess visits John Molen who has a stockpile of Facts about Eamon Magill. Local police sergeant Colin Baxter pops round to introduce himself to the famous author, and ordinarily, I’d be all WHY HE GOTTA BE BRITISH but Ioan Grufford is currently playing a forensic examiner in a TV show set in Queensland and as we all know normal rules do not apply to Queensland.

Oh yes, I do.

It also turns out that someone broke into the library and rearranged some financial paperwork but apparently nothing is missing. Unlike JB’s lawyer, but Baxter is sure Cathcart decided to stay in Woomera at the other end of Magill valley. (Technically speaking Woomera is at the other end of the country, but clearly the Encarta ’95 CD wasn’t working to fact check this)

JB tells John that Eamon Magill was her grandmother’s brother who left Ireland in 1893 and was never seen again. John tells her that he rolled into Australia about 1896 and bought up the whole valley – when he died, he left it to JB’s grandmother and then her relatives which until now they didn’t know existed. The trust that manages the valley is due to expire 100 years after Eamon’s death which EXTRAORDINARILY is in two days time. JB is keen to know more about her great-uncle, and John tells her he has a full transcript of the trial – Eamon was hung for bank robbery.

I myself have a multi-great Grandmother who was transported to Australia for theft and then got her sentence extended for being drunk in court. #notallheroeswearcapes

Meanwhile, Tim Jarvis has to let the mining bigwigs know that there’s about to be a claim made on the Magill valley. They aren’t pleased about it and inform Tim that if the mine doesn’t go ahead they want the money they gave him back.

Back at the hotel, JB’s having a quiet cup of tea when she’s joined by Melba Drummond and her son Roo. They are delighted to hear that a claim is being made on the Magill valley, and Melba offers JB a cigar.

Aren’t we all though.

They’re very excited about celebrating Eamon Magill Day in two days time – I mean yes he held up a bank but he was only trying to get back the money swindled by the government. Tale as old as time.  Melba tells JB that the town council will offer to buy the land off her so they can lease it to the mining company, but the sheep graziers would like to lease it from her. Tim Jarvis bobs up to tell her no sales talk in his establishment, and John Molen pops in to collect Jess for the drive out to Magill Valley.

Roo Drummond goes to visit the love of his life Linda Molen, who is training to be a vet while also avoiding Donald Jarvis who has invented their engagement.

Sidenote to talk about Roo Dummonds’ look:

On second thoughts lets not talk about this.

Out in Magill Valley, John shows JB the Sacred Rocks, an old meeting place for the indigenous people of the area now only used for the occasional barbecue.

“A shame,” says JB. “A culture that lasted 40,000 years nearly wiped out in two hundred.”

Just sayin’.

Anyway, they find the body of Simon Cathcart under a bush. Baxter rolls in to investigate and JB explains she was already going to be in Australia when Cathcart called her urgently. Baxter is inclined to think it was the sheep graziers, but JB says that doesn’t seem right – if the land became hers she would most likely lease it to them anyway, there’d be no reason for them to interfere. Baxter agrees and decides to investigate the mining side.

Back at the pub, JB runs into the mining bigwigs Rhonda Brock and Nicholas Derby who are keen to tell her how much money she could make by leasing the valley to them.

Jessica has no need for currency.

Rhonda and Nicholas aren’t impressed by JB’s greenie motivations, but it’s okay because apparently, Nicholas has some dirt on Tim Jarvis.

JB finds Roo and Melba outside and gets Roo to admit he’d been out at the sacred rocks to meet Simon Cathcart, but Roo swears he never showed. It also turns out Roo used his inheritance from his grandfather to pay to find a legitimate heir to the Magill valley, and Melba is furious as that money was meant to send Roo through college (lol, we say university but whatever guys it’s fine.)

At least Roo’s inheritance is helpful. My inheritance from my grandfather just marched across the keyboard again.

Rhonda Brock informs Tim Jarvis that she and Nicholas know he’s been skimming from the town treasury and that if he doesn’t deliver the valley for the mine everyone will find out. Tim confronts Donald, who admits he took the money to pay back his bookie Boyd Hendricks. Meanwhile, JB convinces Roo to tell Baxter what he knows. Baxter thinks it would be best for JB to leave town but she’s going nowhere until this is settled.

That night John Molen celebrates the news that Linda has gotten into vet school. A drunk Donald Jarvis starts a fight with Roo and is called off only when his father threatens him with a cricket bat.

I’m frankly impressed they found a cricket bat kicking around the set tbh

Outside Donald overhears Nicholas and Boyd and realises they’re using him to get to his Dad. He calls JB and asks her to meet him in the stables – he’s got Simon Cathcart’s briefcase and he wants to hand it over. Jess heads out to the stables where a shadowy figure hides with a gun. Baxter appears, turns on the light – and reveals the body of Donald Jarvis hanging from the ceiling.

Down at the police station, a tearful Tim Jarvis explains about Donald’s gambling problem and how they’d fought. That combined with Linda telling Donald to bugger off seems to make this a clear case of suicide. Tim Jarvis wonders what JB must think of Australia – Cathcart being shot in the back and now this. Baxter is ready to call case closed on the whole business but Jessica says Donald didn’t sound like a man about to kill himself on the phone the previous night.

Nicholas confronts Boyd, who says he still needs to get paid. Linda feels bad. JB and Melba have a quiet drink and JB asks town treasurer Melba about the town accounting. Melba finds the skimming and tells Baxter about it – he confronts Tim who explains that Donald had skimmed the money to pay back Boyd Hendricks. Baxter confirms that Donald was murdered. Tim resigns as mayor.

JB investigates the stables and finds a button from Roo’s jacket. Roo Drummond reappears after going bush for the night and Baxter arrests him for Donald’s murder. Tim Jarvis decides to go after Boyd Hendricks, drags him out of his car and hauls him back to Kookaburra Downs for some sweet sweet justice.

But JB has her own justice to serve, and Boyd Hendricks don’t enter into it.

SURPRISE wait no no it isn’t

Tim killed Simon and his son for all the reasons you’re probably thinking of. But for now, let us leave Kookaburra Downs as they celebrate a day everyone can get behind

Later gang!