S02E16 – Murder in the Electric Cathedral

JB is on the road again, this time to Oklahoma where she’s catching up with her old English teacher Carrie McKitterick. Unfortunately, all catching up is somewhat curtailed by a Wagner blaring car-horn, signalling the arrival of Carrie’s step-son Harvey and her step- grandson Sam.

(Seriously though. I think I need a car horn that blares out Ride of the Valkyries. I’d get to work in ten minutes with that).

Harvey and Sam are less than pleased with Carrie. It turns out she’s changed her will to leave her millions to televangelist Reverend Willie John Fargo.

There is a special circle of Hell reserved for people who interrupt Our Heroine.

Carrie throws them out of the house, but has a heart attack in the process. She’s admitted to hospital, and as she recovers in the ward makes JB swear that if anything should happen, to make sure they don’t change her will. Because that’s not tempting fate at all.

Carrie soon has a visit from Willie John, who says he’d been “labouring in the Lord’s vineyard” when he’d heard Carrie had been taken ill, and that he was needed immediately.

Seriously though, surely He doesn’t need a vineyard? Can’t He just wave His arms about and turn water into wine? Or is that where sacremental wine comes from? I HAVE QUESTIONS, DAMMIT

JB leaves Willie John and Carrie to pray for more wine and steps out. She runs into Willie John’s wife Sister Ruth (previously known as the charity worker who’s name I’ve forgotten in this episode), and shortly after by Harvey and Sam who (despite causing Carrie to be in the hospital) are hell bent on taking her home again. JB scolds them and they promise to get the DA to file charges of embezzlement against Willie John for convincing their (grand)mother to leave her millions to him.

After the hullabaloo, Carrie asks Our Heroine to call her granddaughter-in-law Alice to come and visit. The Doctor suggests Carrie could use some rest so JB steps out to use the payphone. As the phone rings out, she notices Nurse Sue Beth  (who’s real name is Barbi I swear I’m not making this up) come out of Carrie’s room and go down stairs.

Time passes. Then so does Carrie, sadly. As the doctors try and revive her JB asks Sam what happened but he doesn’t know and quickly takes off. JB notices a syringe on the floor and carefully picks it up with her handkerchief before she is thrown out of the room. She takes a whiff – cyanide.

Cue dramatic pause.

After the adbreak Alice arrives at the hospital along with DA Fred Whittaker. Harvey tells him to investigate Willie John immediately but Fred is hesitant. JB informs them that she believes Carrie was poisoned by cyanide and is backed up by her Doctor. Fred promises to speak to both Sam and Willie John.

Back at Carrie’s, Alice and JB find Sam brandishing a new copy of Carrie’s will that leaves everything to her family. JB is suspicious, especially as the signature on the letter from Carrie she just so happens to be carrying around in her handbag doesn’t match the signature on this mysterious new will.

SCREW THAT I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THE LORD’S VINEYARD. Is it Oyster Bay? I bet it’s Oyster Bay, their sav blanc is hand pressed by angels. (Probably not true).

Anyway, Fred and JB go to confront Sam and he admits to typing the will and signing it with his grandmother’s hand (creepy!?). JB gently encourages Fred to lay murder charges against Sam  but Harvey won’t hear of it and tells Fred that he’ll see to it that Fred won’t even be dogcatcher next spring.

Down at the hospital JB is hot on the case of the Mysterious Syringe and where Nurse Sue Beth went when she left Carrie’s hospital room. It turns out the stairs lead down to the carpark, opposite the Church of the Electric Cathedral TV studio, so JB goes to look for the Lord’s Vineyard check it out. She runs into Willie John and tells him that she was just making sure that her friend wasn’t being taken advantage of. This sends Willie John into a preaching fit, and he tells her about all the good work the Church is doing.

Seriously, if you know the location of the Lord’s Vineyard please get in touch.

Willie John wanders off to do a bit more preaching and leaves Jess to have a tour of the studio with his wife Sister Ruth which concludes with their private apartment. Jess comments on how spectacular it is.

Over tea and scones it turns out that Sister Ruth helps out on the Indian Reservation on Wednesdays (she used to be a nurse), Willie John just so happens to be diabetic, and he’s not telling JB where the Lord’s Vineyard is. Or where he was the night Carrie died.

JB goes to see Fred and tell him what she found out, but he ain’t buying. For one thing, JB seems to have more questions than answers, like why was Carrie killed with an insulin needle full of cyanide when insulin would have done the trick?

Fred: Are you a doctor or something?

JB: Writing murder mysteries almost qualifies me, believe me. (Life Lesson #43)

JB answers her own question – if insulin was used it wouldn’t have been detected and they would never have known there was a murder. Someone wanted the murder to be discovered!

The results of the fingerprint test on the syringe arrive while everyone’s at Carrie’s wake. The fingerprints belong to Willie John…

…but he’s not the killer. Apparently while the killer was killing he was in the chapel ‘ministering the needs’ of Nurse Sue Beth.

That’s a burn right there

But wait. If Willie John didn’t do it….who did? Fortunately the answer is as obvious as a smack in the head to Our Heroine.

Are you ready?

Did you guess?

This time, money had nothing to do with it. Sister Ruth wanted out of the Willie John train, but it’s not so easy divorcing a Reverend. Much easier to have him locked up for murder.

Unfortunately, the Mystery of the Holy Vineyard will never be solved. And on that sad note…

Later Fletcherfans!

PS – Tomorrow afternoon I’m going to see a little play called Driving Miss Daisy starring two up and coming actors named James Earl Jones and Angela Lansbury. AIN’T NO THANG. (Seriously though, dying).

S02E15 – Powder Keg

Disclaimer: My attention wandered in this episode. You have been warned.

Roadtrippin again this week Fletcherfans, this time to Sweet Home Alabama where Our Heroine is kicking back with her pal Ames Caulfield after a hardcore week of partying at a writers conference. Sadly, it all goes a bit pear-shaped en route to Ames’s estate and they break down outside of Hoopville.

While the car gets fixed, JB and Ames adjourn to the hotel which (in an Amazingly Unforeseen and Unpredictable Coincidence) is owned by a former student (and obvious former flame) of Ames’s, Cassie Burns along with her son Matthew-the-musician who is surprisingly adult if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink etcetera.

Following up on the incredibly subtle suggestion that Matthew might be Ames’s son, Ames goes to watch Matthew play (and flirt with a perm called Linda) at the bar on the outskirts of town while the bar owner Frank Kelso shows off his new gun toy before the peace is Completely and Utterly Disturbed by zombies the arrival of Linda’s brother Ed and his  minions Andy and Billy who like booze and bullying. And eating brains, probably.

Fun fact: the middle zombie is Jackie Earle Haley and the one on the left is from CHiPS. You’re welcome, people on their way to a trivia night.

On a semi-unrelated topic….

Sometimes I even scare myself…anyway, head zombie Ed decides he doesn’t like Matthew making loverboy-eyes at his sister and tells him accordingly. This amazingly leads to a massive brawl and Ed ordering Matthew to stay away from singing and his sister (in that order). The zombies take off in their zombiemobile car with Matthew in hot pursuit, telling Linda that he’s going to kill Ed even if he is her brother. Ames is left standing in the dust looking perplexed.

I can’t even begin to speculate what is going to happen next.

Back at the hotel JB is up late working (because that’s just how she rolls) when she hears Ames come in. As she looks pointedly at her watch, sirens blare outside. Because Ed the zombie is dead. Not undead, just dead. Dead Ed. OH THE SURPRISE.

The next morning, Ames quickly recruits JB to come to the aid of Matthew, who has been arrested for the murder of Zombie Ed. Down at the sheriff’s office, Ames tries all sorts of name-dropping tricks in an effort to see Matthew but the sheriff and Daniel Day-Lewis are unmoved.

That Daniel Day-Lewis is so good he can even play a painting.

IMDB has just informed me that the Sheriff of Hoopville is also Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mind. Blown. The Sheriff tells Our Heroine and Ames about the mountain of (circumstantial) evidence proving Matthew killed the zombie  Ed, but admits that he has doubts about Matthew’s guilt. He also says that despite this, Matthew is a lot safer inside the jail than out on the streets where the local townsfolk are baying for revenge. JB and Ames return to the hotel where the clerk tells Ames that Cassie wants to see him at home immediately. JB stops him to ask if he remembers seeing anything after the fight to prove that Matthew is innocent but Ames can’t remember a thing.

I’ll be honest – I think JB solved this case about twenty minutes ago and she’s just stringing everyone along.

Outside the sheriff’s office the angry mob is taking time out of its schedule to get good and drunk. Bar owner Frank Kelso drops by with more booze and tells Andy that he’s sorry that Ed was a zombie murdered. Andy is having none of it though. Apparently everyone knew that Frank Kelso’s wife was having a thing with Ed before she went to “visit her mother” which is apparently code for “run off with the hardware salesman”. Frank hulks out but is silenced with a punch to the face.

JB goes to see the Sheriff to get the latest news and meets the Hoopville version of Doc Hazlitt, who is JB’s biggest fan even without having read any of her books. At last, someone with some sense. The doc tells JB that the body was definitely hacked at and moved post-mortem. The sheriff reluctantly lets JB look through Ed’s personal effects and is equally flummoxed by the presence of two cigarette lighters one of which bears the Cameron family crest. (The Murder She Wrote writers want to make that point clear. I feel this may come up later)

Outside, JB is accosted by Dead Ed’s sister who asks her to come and see her father to try to put a stop to this episode the insanity. Dead Ed’s Dad seems disinclined to do anything but chop wood and mutter about the sheriff, but eventually comes clean – Dead Ed moved out without a dime but somehow managed to rent a house, buy an expensive new car and generally carry on like he was a Kardashian. He suspects Dead Ed of being a drug dealer, but hasn’t proof.

Back in town the mob is getting restless with just drinking and making nooses. Sheriff Shredder tells Our Heroine that someone was spotted leaving Dead Ed’s place but they don’t know who. JB has it with people not telling her things and tries to force Cassie to admit that Matthew is Ames’s son. She blusters and storms off but Ames admits it. He also tells her that Billy Willetts (associate zombie to Dead Ed) held a knife to Frank Kelso the night of the brawl. Apparently this is news we can use.

After the sheriff orders JB off the case, on account of the angry mob of zombies massing outside the sheriff’s office. Thankfully, JB ignores him and pays a visit on Frank Kelso, who greets her with his gun.

Ermagherd this episode just keeps going

Frank wants to know why JB is snooping around. He tells her Billy held the knife on him to stop him from reaching for his ‘peacemaker’.

“Strictly speaking, a Peacemaker is a nickname for a Colt 45, used in frontier days. If I’m not mistaken, that’s a Webley Fosbury semi automatic revolver.” says Jess.

“Wellllll…..you sure do know your weaponry!” Says Frank. “You own one of them?”

“Oh no. No no no.” Jess replies.  ”Of course I just ran across it in research. For several days I considered using one to shoot a Bulgarian scientist.”

 

Frank has no time to think of an appropriate response. He gets a call from the Sheriffs office. There’s trouble.

When in doubt, zombies.

 

Faced with the imminent zombie menace the sheriff prepares to fight the hordes of undead to the end, but is saved when Dead Ed’s father appears and orders the angry zombie mob to disperse. To celebrate, Sheriff Shredder arrests Andy for  being a zombie. And a douchebag.

After emptying his pockets they discover Andy has a keyring with the Cameron crest on it. Hey guys! Remember that time with the lighter! See how it all comes together!?

The Sheriff asks Andy if he’d lost his lighter and Andy’s all “hell yeah, where’d you find it?”

“Off your friend’s dead body.” Says the sheriff.

BAM.

Andy flips out. He gave the lighter to Dead Ed after they left Kelso’s the first time, since Dead Ed had left his behind. They went to play pool, got back into town at 12:45 then Dead Ed said he had to go to the bank.

And by bank…

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this coming. Mainly because by this point I’d stopped looking.

Are you ready kids? So it turns out Frank Kelso was being blackmailed by Dead Ed because Dead Ed found out Frank killed his wife after she’d had an affair with Dead Ed. So, Frank killed Dead Ed. And then it was now.

Good lord. I need a nap. And a whiskey.

Until next time, dear reader.

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

 

 

S02E14 – Keep the Home Fries Burning

I don’t know about you Fletcherfans, but I could use a little ridiculousness after this week. Fortunately, Our Heroine is home in the Cove again, which means you know who.

You headin’ my way?

Amos is cheating on his regular diner (owned by Bo Dixon) with a new restaurant called the Joshua Peabody Inn, named after Cabot Cove’s answer to Jebediah Springfield.  In fact, most of the town is, including Doc Hazlitt, who is taking Jess to breakfast.

All is not well inside the Inn, however. The owner, Floyd is frazzled, the chef Alan Dupree is drunk and trying to get fired, and the patrons – including two feuding local politicians and some out-of-towners who have stopped in for a bite to eat – aren’t all that convinced that it’s the best place for them. I can’t imagine why though, with menu items like Eggs Benedict Arnold, or the Benjamin Frankenfurter (with beans), or the One if By Land, Two if By Sea Surf and Turf platter, or Life, Liberty and Prosciutto Happiness with Melon, how could you go wrong?

Amos plonks himself down with Seth and JB and promptly starts arguing with Seth about whether Joshua Peabody was a real person. Cornelia, the waitress, stops by their table with the jam and Seth says “At least you didn’t have to dress up like Betsy Ross at the old place!” to which Jessica says “Doctors who walk around in hip boots hardly qualify as fashion experts.”

Fletcher burn!

Meanwhile, Bo the spurned diner owner is also having breakfast, trying to see where all his customers (and his waitress) have gone. Amos spots jam on a neighbouring table, occupied by two ladies from out of town named Wilhelmina and Betty and snares it for his toast before Cornelia snaffles it up and places it briefly on the table of the two warring politicians before delivering it to a family table. One can only presume that this game of Musical Jam has some sort of nefarious point.

While Seth and Our Heroine argue over the bill, the father of the family that last had the jam comes rushing back into the restaurant. His son has fallen ill! Well colour me surprised, etc.

Seth goes running and finds the son rolling in agony on the ground. The two politicians come outside and one collapses. Then Amos hollers – Betty from the next table is on the ground, and not moving.

That’s it, I’m calling it now.

It was only a matter of time. That jam was a loose cannon.

Down at Cabot Cove General Hospital (which is what I assume the hospital is called), Seth is tending to his patients when Margo Perry from State Health (also known as Anne Francis from Forbidden Planet) arrives demanding information and bringing a whole lot of sass.

Margo The Feisty gets to work immediately, going through the Inn and making sure her minions collect a sample. It goes a little something like this:

Margo: Ham.

Minion: Check.

Amos: I had some of that.

Margo: Syrup.

Minion: Check.

Amos: (worried) I had some of that.

Margo: Marmalade.

Minion: Check.

Amos: (really worried) I had some of that too!

Our Heroine: (dryly) You had some of everything, Amos.

Paying scant disregard for Amos’s rising terror, JB discovers a preserves rack with the raspberry jam missing. She asks Floyd who was sitting at that table but he’s too busy trying to keep up with Hurricane Margo.  Jess gets Amos to drive her back to the hospital, where Seth insists on giving them a checkup. Before he can do so, Eric from The Bold and the Beautiful comes in looking for his wife Wilhelmina – the friend of the woman who died.  Seth tells him that his wife is going to be fine, but her friend Betty Fiddler didn’t make it. Eric promptly collapses in shock.

In the corridor, Jess tells Seth her theory – the food was poisoned by someone who removed it before the state health people arrived. They don’t notice Hurricane Margo come up behind them until she tells Seth to stop formulating pointless theories with the local “crisishound”, and start testing samples.

Oh Margo. You’re going to regret that one.

Back at the Peabody, Jess resumes the hunt for Jam of Death, but it’s nowhere to be found. As she searches, she asks Floyd if he has any enemies, and he tells her about the Chef Who Can’t Cook, Dupree. Floyd imported him from France, assuming that a) he was French (he isn’t) and that he could cook like his family (he can’t).  The only way Dupree can get out of his contract is if Floyd fires him, which he won’t.

Seth calls and tells Jess he needs to tell her. He has a theory about what the problem is – atropine poisoning. He has an antidote for it, and if it works it will confirm Our Heroine’s theory that it wasn’t food poisoning, it was poisoned food. Theory confirmed, JB goes to see Cornelia the waitress, who was the last person to see the suspect jam. She tells JB that she left it on Bo Dixon’s table when the hubbub began.

Upon hearing this, Amos runs with it. But of course Bo is guilty! Not even JB pointing out that he had no chance to put the poison in the jam and collect the jar afterwards can convince him otherwise. Surely that just means Cornelia the waitress must have helped him! Why, some of that poison might have been meant for Amos! He did (unintentionally) take Bo’s customers to the Joshua Peabody Inn, because you know what they say “Where goes Amos Tupper, so goes Cabot Cove.”

“I must be moving in the wrong circles,” JB mutters to Seth. “I haven’t heard anyone say that.”

Another Fletcher-burn!

JB tells Amos about how Dupree is trying to get out of his contract at the Inn, but is interrupted by Mercer Hawthorne, the local politician who has now recovered from his bout of poisoning. He tells them that his dinner date and fellow politician Eb(enezer) McHenry is the poisoner, since Mercer has proof of Eb’s shady dealings.

That’s enough for Amos, who inexplicably throws both Bo and Eb in the cells, releases them and then picks up Dupree. He tells Amos and JB that he wasn’t the only person who had access to the kitchens. Bo turned up in there, and so did some random dude who wanted to take a look at the diner. Amos scoffs at this, but fortunately said mysterious stranger comes in to complain about the parking ticket he just got while he was in the hospital visiting his wife.

It’s Eric from Bold and the Beautiful again!

I feel a little bad that I knew who Eric Forrester was. But I was an English major, so I’m acquainted with most of the major soap opera stars from the early 00′s. Like Passions! Remember Passions?

Amos demands to know how Harrison Fraser III Eric Forrester could have been in the kitchen at the Joshua Peabody Inn that morning when he said he was in Portland when he heard the news about the food poisoning. JB ponders why he was so devastated about Betty’s death, but barely concerned about his wife’s illness, which leads her to wonder who he was looking at from the kitchen at the Inn that morning, and who he was trying to avoid. Eric flounces out without replying.

Later that night JB is hard at work on her next best-seller when she gets an unexpected visitor. Eric Forrester appears. He confesses to JB that he was having an affair with Betty, and that he followed them to stop Betty from telling his wife about their affair. He swears he didn’t poison anyone.

JB is stumped. She believes Eric, but she’s rapidly running out of suspects. She goes to see Bo Dixon, who is disinclined to provide any information to JB. Fortunately, a throwaway comment about leaving a tip on a credit card from Hurricane Margo, who is sweeping off home, sets Jess off. She knows who went on a poisonous rampage.

You may have guessed, too. It’s kind of obvious. Though at this point, I’d like to highlight how restrained I’ve been so far. Okay?

Thank you, and goodnight.

Thank you, Murder She Wrote writers, for allowing me the opportunity to utter the phrase Willie Of Death.

And on that highbrow note…

Later, gang!

S02E13 – Trial By Error

Story time, Fletcherfans! Pay attention because this week is kind of tricky.

Once upon a time, there was a man, a woman and a car accident. Yes, that old chestnut. Anyway, the man feels extremely guilty, since he was driving and only fractured his collarbone, and the woman is in a pretty bad way, but not so bad she can’t be loaded into the ambulance crying “WHY? WHY? WHY?”

Why indeed. Anyway, down at the hospital the husband (let’s call him Mark Lee Reynolds, since that’s his name) is out of his mind when the doctors tell him that his wife has a good chance of surviving, but may never walk again. Cloud goes up, cloud goes down. Receiving this news Mark does what any good husband would do – he heads to the nearest pub, gets blind drunk and goes home with some random brunette.

SHIFTY.

An associate of said brunette’s husband spots them leaving the bar and puts a call in. The husband grabs his jacket and hauls out into the night bellowing for vengeance. Because the husband is Batman. 

You got all that?

Months later, there’s a trial on. It turns out, Mr Jacket-wearing vengenance-seeker (or Cliff Anderson, for short) wound up dead, and the winner of husband of the year, Mark Lee Reynolds is on trial for his murder. I only mention this because a certain Boss of all Bosses just so happens to be jury forewoman…

Fiercest forewoman ever.

That’s right, Fletcherfans! It’s 12 Angry Men, Cabot Cove style! To help set the mood for the jury deliberations I found this helpful website to help set the scene. (True story – that noise is also my message notification on my phone, except sometimes I forget and it goes off and I freak out a little bit/fall off the treadmill).

Alright. In the case of People vs Shady Husband, how do we find the jury?

Unsurprisingly, squabbling. Almost everyone on this star-studded jury thinks that Mark Lee Reynolds killed in self-defence. Only Thornton  thinks he is a)Henry Fonda and b)guilty. JB is undecided, and probably more concerned with how much time must pass before her next whiskey.

Apart from the women, whiskey is what was missing from 12 Angry Men.

They discuss, through the cunning use of flashbacks, Reynolds’s testimony that he left the hospital that night “wanting to die.”

Certain members of the jury understand this concept, (a little too well if you ask me) but JB quickly reminds them of the cross-examination where the D.A wanted to know why Reynolds conveniently picked that bar to drink at, since it wasn’t the closest bar to the hospital or his house.

BECAUSE HE’S A SHADY DUDE, GEEZ.

Not everyone on the jury agrees with me though (schmucks), in fact certain female members of the jury tend to find him  quite dreamy. He’s so honest! Even when he tells them (through the cunning use of flashbacks) how he met that random brunette, and the random chain of events that lead to her almost-but-not-quite ex husband turning up on the doorstep and catching them out. (Cue cunning use of flashbacks within flashbacks and ow my brain). According to him, the ex turned up packing heat, they both reached for the gun, ex is now an ex-ex. They call the police, Reynolds gets carted away and gets his phone call, which he uses to call the hospital only to be told that his wife had passed away.

Sucks to be him, is what he’s trying to say.

While the rest of the jury argue with Thornton a bit more, we cunningly flashback to the testimony of Becky the Brunette, who explains that she was getting a divorce from her husband, despite her husband counter-suing for infidelity. HUH I BET.

The jury continues to argue while in flashback land, the hotel owner takes the stand for some laughs.

*insert amusing Gilligan’s Island reference here*

Skipper announces to the court that Mark Lee Reynolds is a frequent visitor to his classy establishment, and that Becky the brunette had paid a visit too, way before the night of the shooting.

What does the jury think about this, oh they’re still arguing.

JB has a flashback to when she had whiskey

As things get heated, a couple of jurors call for calm, and to get back to the matter at hand. “Yeah,” says another. “This is man’s life we’re talking about, and most of us here are of a mind to let him keep it. It’s Mrs Fletcher and her minions who are anxious to see him hang.”

Everyone knows JB’s minions are Amos and Seth, you crazy fool!

The central point of this trial according to JB is the question of whether Becky the brunette and Mark Reynolds knew each other before the night her ex-husband was killed.  Fenton the hotel owner swears he’d seen them together before, the bartender that served them on the night of the murder wasn’t so sure.

If you believe Fenton, JB postulates, then you have to believe that they were setting themselves up to be seen, and since it was a regular haunt for her ex husband and his pals, you have to believe that they wanted to be seen in order to get the word out that Becky-the-brunette was stepping out on her old man. So to speak.

A few nods in the jury room now. Jess is on a roll. If Cliff-the-ex didn’t take a gun with him, where did he get it? The only prints on the gun were his and Reynolds.

Not everyone is convinced by this. Long term juror holdout Frank Lord dismisses it all out of hand, telling them they have rocks in their heads, and that maybe someone else should be foreman.

Heh heh heh. Made myself laugh that time.

Back in flashback land, Becky Anderson’s neighbour is on the stand, testifying how he came home to find Cliff-the-ex’s car blocking the driveway, and his views of Cliff’s body being taken out of the house a couple of hours later, and then some more flashbackiness as the DA outlines how he thinks the murder went down – Mark and Becky arranged it so that Cliff would bust in, Mark whacks him over the head with a poker, stages it to look like Cliff had the gun, then gets Becky to call the police.

Seems legit to me, although at this point I can’t tell whether I’m having a flashback. Although, I would point out that the DA just said “I look at these two people (Mark and Becky) and I see pleasant, All-American attractiveness” which I’m assuming is lawyer-speak for trashy sluts, but I’m not too sure.

Back in whatever part of time we’re in, JB has more questions. Like, if Mark Reynolds really did fracture his collarbone in the car accident, how was he fighting Cliff for the gun?

Now, THERE’S A QUESTION.

Dazzled by this amazing feat of logic, the rest of the jurors want to hear more about these “questions” and JB is happy to oblige. Simply put, it’s this: if Mark Reynolds is telling the truth, and the whole thing – from Cliff barging in to Becky calling the police – was over in a moment, why did the neighbour point out that the body was removed a couple of hours later?

MYSTERIOUS. JB announces there can only be one conclusion, and therefore one verdict, which they then deliver to the court. Mark Reynolds is not guilty of the murder of Cliff Anderson.

Say what?

JB has a quiet word in the ear of the DA, who arranges to meet with Becky Anderson and her lawyer after the trial. Why?

Well I never.

So there you have it. It was Becky who whacked her husband over the head with the poker. But don’t worry, Mark Reynolds isn’t blameless in all of this. He helped her stage it so it looked like self defence – after he’d come home from the hospital, where he’d been killing his wife with a pillow.

Told you he was shifty.

And so ends this weeks episode of Law and Order Murder, She Blogged.  If you’ve made it this far, well done. I’m exhausted.

There’s only one cure for this, I think.

See you next week, Fletcherfans!

ETA: It’s Murder She Blogged’s first birthday! Happy birthday to MSB, which continues to this day to be one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

 

S02E12 – Murder By Appointment Only

Fletcherfans. I have bad news.

Look who’s back.

ARGH WHYYYY

Urgh. Grady is trying to get a job at Lila Lee Cosmetics, owned by his friend Todd’s father and aunt. For the record, Lila Lee is one sassy cape-wearer.

Man do I have cape envy right now…

Lila is sassing up the place in preparation for the Lila Lee Sales convention, while her brother Norman tries to do damage control. Meanwhile, Norman and Todd aren’t getting on because Norman is marrying someone half his age and Norman’s secretary is hating on everyone except Norman. My what a tangled web, etc etc.

By the way, Norman Amberson? Been in every TV show ever conceived by man.

Hey! It’s that guy!

Anyway. in a fortuitous set of circumstances, JB happens to run into Norman’s bit of fluff (who seems to have also caught the attention of some guy) and it turns out Elizabeth was a former student of Our Heroine. Huh.  JB gives Elizabeth the third degree – “Are you married? Do you have a career? Are you still writing?” to which Elizabeth says “No, no, no.”  Of all these things, JB finds the fact that Elizabeth stopped writing the most horrifying of all… Life Lesson #42! 

Norman appears and invites Jess to dine with them that evening – Jess has already checked out of her hotel, but decides it would be a good idea to spend a bit of time with Grady. God only knows why. Norman and Jess are interrupted by his secretary Glenda, with things to sign.

Later that night, Norman and Jess wait for Elizabeth at dinner, but she doesn’t show. A quick trip to her apartment reveals that it is completely trashed and Elizabeth is going to be more than a little bit late. By which I mean she’s dead.  New York’s finest, led by Lieutenant Varick are almost positive it’s a burglary but Our Heroine suspects otherwise. Mainly because someone tagged the painting with some lipstick and for some reason that’s important.

The fact tbat this episode wasn’t called Ding Dong Murder Calling will always be a travesty

Meanwhile, Grady is at home pretending to be rich while on the phone to Todd. Yeah, I don’t know either. He offers JB a choice of a lumpy bed or a soft couch, and AMAZINGLY JB chooses the couch. He also makes her a cup of tea, which is of course a success.

LOL J/K he’s crap at that too,

The next day JB gets her sleuth on and finds out that Elizabeth had been living in her swanky Park Avenue apartment since before she got together with Norman, although Todd seems to think that his Dad was still footing the bill while his wife was still alive.  She gets Grady to track down another old student that Elizabeth mentioned she kept in touch with to find out more information about Elizabeth’s secretive life. I swear to God she’d better turn out to be a spy or a demon hunter or something…

Meanwhile, Grady shows off how clever he is. He can use a pen and a telephone at the same time!

Kudos for the G-Dawg

Our Heroine has no time for congratulations though. Lila Lee has been made aware of JB’s presence and would like to make her the official Lila Lee representative for all of Cabbage Cove. After all, JB is some sort of writer and must have debts she can’t pay or a little something extra she can’t afford, like extra pencils.

Yeah.

I guess you could say she is Li-lacking. But you wouldn’t because that would be terrible.

JB finds Elizabeth’s former employer, Fiona Keeler of Fiona Keeler Secretarial Placements (formerly Lady B in this episode), to get the skinny on Elizabeth’s life. Turns out ‘Secretarial Placements’ is code for placements of another sort – Elizabeth was a high class call girl.

Damn. I really thought demon hunter. (This is what happens when you watch Supernatural for three days straight) Anyway, Fiona reveals that Elizabeth had another love before Norman – an actor or a cab driver or something. JB wonders if Norman knew about Elizabeth’s choice of career. She goes to ask him that very question and he tells her he’d known since practically the beginning. Glenda the secretary turns up and orders him off to the hotel spa, which gives Jess the chance to ask her about one of the bills she’d gotten Norman to sign the day before – it was a receipt for an exclusive menswear shop, and while Norman had dismissed it as a birthday present, Glenda is convinced it’s proof Elizabeth had a little something something on the side, since Norman’s birthday isn’t for months.

Seriously, this would have been so much better if she’d been a demon hunter.

Determined to find out the identity of the mystery man, JB enlists the help of Grady to go and find out who was the recipient of the gift. Amazingly he manages to not screw up (but only just) and gets a name. Roger Adiano, who happens to be an actor darlink, as well as the guy who Elizabeth spotted in the hotel foyer back when I still cared. (Imagine if Angela Lansbury was a demon hunter. With Jerry Orbach as her sidekick. Holy crap that would be fierce). Anyway, Roger tells JB that while he has Latin blood from three different countries in his veins (?), he didn’t kill Elizabeth.

Back at Casa de Grady a messenger has just dropped off the Lila Lee Lady Kit for Jessica – turns out “I’ll cabbage you’ wasn’t a definitive no in Lila’s book. Grady notices one of the lipsticks and thinks it might be the one used to tag the painting – because apparently we still care about that – but JB points out its too pink. A study of the inventory reveals a number missing from the list. Apparently, this wants checking out. (Meanwhile, I’m mentally recasting Supernatural with Angela Lansbury and Jerry Orbach, because that would be WAAAY more entertaining than this episode. I blame Grady).

So. JB dresses up as a Lila Lee lady and gatecrashes the lab, and finds out that that particular shade of lipstick was removed from sale and destroyed, except one tube which was taken by a photographer to use on a shoot, which was then confiscated by Lila Lee in a hissy fit and so was given to the killer.

 

And by killer I mean

Believe it or not…

Somebody didn’t like that his prostitute girlfriend was doing a little something something with a wannabe actor. Sheesh. But lets not dwell on that. Let’s just celebrate getting to the end of a Grady episode without throwing anything out the window.

Huzzah!

Later, Fletcherfans!

 

S02E11 – Murder Digs Deep

After last weeks depressing episode I’m quite keen for something a little more upbeat, how about you Fletcherfans?  How does JESSICA FLETCHER AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM sound? If you answered “Unlikely” then you’re mostly right and clearly have a firmer grip on reality than I do.

Our Heroine is New Mexico, volunteering on an archaeological dig with her purely platonic friend Doc Hazzlitt (seriously, does anyone actually believe that?) being overseen by Gideon Armstrong, or as he’s better known, this guy:

You might know Robert Vaughn from The Man From U.N.C.L.E or his recent work on Coronation Street. Or, you’re like me and you know him from BASEketball and now you’re saying “I hear your Mom is going out with Squeak” and giggling to yourself.

Jess is there to help out, and to research a book. Although I think she may be having second thoughts…

EW.

Seth and JB aren’t the only schmucks out digging up bones in the desert. There’s Karen Parkes and Steve Gamble, two postgrad interns looking for extra credit (we’ve all been there, amirite?), their supervisor Doctor Steve Garfield who thinks they’re digging for a lost city of gold, fame-seeker Doctor Aubrey Benton who thinks he can make the most money if they find the lost city of gold, Raymond Twocrows, the expert on Native American stereotypes tribes, and Gideon’s newest model wife Cynthia.

Later that night when they are all sitting around eating dinner they are rudely interrupted by a Native American standing on the hill above them, dancing and chanting. Karen informs JB that he appears at the same time every night, trying to scare them away from the dig, but by the time the guards get up to him he is gone. Forget Indiana Jones, this episode is a Great Dane away from becoming an episode of Scooby Doo.

The next morning Seth decides to get the jump on JB (heh heh) and does a little detecting of his own by asking Raymond what Anasasi means and where he was when the Ghostly Spectre of Doom. Raymond responds with “The Great Builders”  and with skulking off, which are both incorrect answers. JB has no time to scold Seth for stepping on her sleuthing territory, she’s just uncovered a – thing. Honestly, I’m not sure what it is, lets call it the Panflute of Destiny, based on the music when she finds it. Oh, it’s not a pan flute, its a prayer stick. Anyway, Doctor Garfield and Doctor Benton are beside themselves, Gideon is more concerned with how much he can make from it.

It’s a very subdued dinner that evening, despite JB showing everyone how to find things in the ground like a boss. The Ghostly Spectre of Doom appears right on time for his nightly performance, which a drunk Cynthia Armstrong takes exception to, and so decides to bring the curtains down on the whole thing by shooting at him. Much to everyone’s surprise, she actually hits and he falls out of view. They run to the scene and find the body of Raymond Twocrows. Awkward. Seth helpfully points out that Raymond wasn’t shot, but  presumably died after falling from the top of the hill.

Gideon calls an emergency dig meeting, to try and put aside any vicious nasty rumours about his wife killing Raymond accidentally or otherwise. To get them on-side he offers them all a share in any profits made from the treasure they dig up. SMOOTH MOVE GIDEON! When Doctor Benton goes to radio for the police, however, Gideon gently removes the plug. He doesn’t want reporters crawling over the site until they have something to show them that isn’t a corpse.

The following morning JB and Seth team up for a little sededuction which I will reenact with some helpful screenshots:

After that little reenactment (that amused me way more than it ought to), JB sends Seth off to look at the body again, since clearly he didn’t die from falling three feet, while Our Heroine has breakfast with Doctor Benton to suss out some information on Raymond. She has little luck – it turns out Gideon hired him, not Benton, who has an indecent proposal of his own – he would like JB to ghost write his memoirs.

Direct quote: “I’m speechless”

JB runs into Seth back at the dig, and he has news: Raymond didn’t die from falling , he died from drowning. Which, in a desert, makes him either very unlucky or an extra in an episode of CSI I remember.

Jess reacts well to this news:

You’re welcome!

Jess bets Seth that the police haven’t been called, and decide to drive into town themselves but are thwarted by Armstrong’s minions who tell them that Armstrong has ordered that no one is to leave the site.  When they go to confront him about it he brushes them off, but is surprised to hear that Raymond drowned and that the fall was staged. He tells them he was with Doctor Benton at the time, but is interrupted by Doctor Garfield rushing in to announce they’ve found more gold.

JB has a quiet word with Doctor Benton and he finally admits that he wasn’t with Armstrong. A search of Raymond’s belongings reveals books on Native Americans borrowed by Raymond DeMarco – “One of those Indians from Naples!’ says Seth – from the same university where Karen and Steve study and Doctor Garfield teaches. They also find Raymond’s boots covered in mud, giving Jess an idea. She hightails it out of the tent, followed by a very confused Seth, and heads out into the desert. While Seth pontificates on the existence of tumbleweeds, JB disappears. Seth finds a cave entrance and goes in, hesitantly calling Jess’s name. Suddenly he hears Native American chanting.

So…the Ghostly Spectre of Doom was really a tape player, eh? Not only have they found where Raymond was murdered, but they also find crates of Native American artefacts from the university. Say what? Don’t panic, Our Heroine is starting to figure it out…

Back at camp JB overhears Karen and Steve fighting. It turns out Karen was trying to get away from Armstrong at the same time his wife was taking potshots at the “ghost”. JB goes to see Armstrong and brings him to the dig site to prove her point. He’s been “flim-flammed”. (Life Lesson #41 – People aren’t conned, they’re flim-flammed). The artefacts were put there to be found, to jack up the price of the land that Armstrong was hoping to buy before anyone else could find out what he’d found.

But by who?

To be fair, the hair was a bit suspicious…

Turns out Cynthia killed Raymond after he threatened to expose her little plan to bleed her husband dry. Fortunately for her she had Doctor Garfield to help her drag the body up the cliff, dress up as the Ghoulish Ghost of Doom and then throw Raymond off the cliff. And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for them meddling kids.

And by meddling kids…

Later gang!

S02E10 – Sticks and Stones

I have bad news Fletcherfans.

Sheriff Amos Tupper is retiring!

I have worse news Fletcherfans.

Look who is replacing him:

Local real estate tycoon becomes sheriff. Seems legit.

Fortunately for the people of Cabot Cove, the most recent death to hit the crime capital of the universe appears to be a straightforward accident. Beverley Gareth was electrocuted, after trying to fix her TV and have a bath at the same time. You know, that old story. Amos is relieved, and tells Harry not even Mrs Fletcher could make a murder out of this one.

You just don’t say things like that Amos, have you learned nothing?

Jess is at home, being talked at by town busybody Edna while Doc Hazzlitt is trying to fix JB’s toaster. And by toaster…nah, I actually mean toaster. Adding to the chaos,  travel writer Michael Digby has just arrived on the door step, all set to put Cabot Cove on the map.

The next day, Amos celebrates his retirement by going fishing, while Jess shows Michael around Cabot Cove. Something strange is happening in town – people are receiving mysterious gossipy letters and the townsfolk are getting a bit uppity. Jess shows Michael where the lighthouse used to be, until it burned down the year before. Now the land is about to be redeveloped, now that the former owner and current corpse Beverly Garrett has sold the land. Not that this information will have any bearing on the case at hand, since her death was an accident.

Jess is interrupted mid-exposition by Edna arriving to give her a Cabot Cove Kiss – a whack in the head with a handbag.

COME AT ME

Edna orders JB to stay away from her husband and flounces off, leaving JB somewhat mystified.

Edna’s a little cray-cray

Back at home, Amos is loving retirement when the postman arrives with a letter so outrageous that Amos marches down to Harry Barnes at the sheriffs office to make his feelings known. Harry simply adds it to the pile.

Down at the docks Jess pays a visit to local repairman Larry Burns (no relation to Mr Burns, despite my first thought). He and Jess both wonder why they haven’t received letters yet, before Beverly’s boyfriend Adam arrives to accuse Larry of murder. He fixed her TV the week before she died, but Larry swears there was nothing wrong with the cord when he gave it back to her. Drunk Adam is out for blood, but is swiftly thrown in the harbour by Nils the Fisherman, who I’ve just decided should have been Sheriff.

Harry’s got a lot on his plate. The letters are piling up, he’s got a drunk in the cells and now a lady named Elvira has just walked in bellowing that she’s just been threatened by “that hairy foreigner I rent my downstairs to”.

Let the record show that my reaction wasn’t that dissimilar.

One of Harry’s minions arrives and drops off some more letters and Elvira goes pale, saying “But I only sent one!” She refuses to say who for, or what was in it, and then runs out.

“Sheriff Tupper told me that nothing ever happens in this town.” Laments Harry.

Heehee

Harry calls in the big gun for assistance, and JB is happy to oblige. Not wanting to feel left out, Amos comes along too. Reading the letters doesn’t seem to yield many clues, and since Harry threw the envelopes out they can’t get much from those. All they know is that the letters were all postmarked Cabot Cove. Amos finds his letter again in the pile – it says that the lighthouse was deliberately burned down, and tells Amos to ask himself who would benefit most from that?

JB jumps in before Amos can actually ask himself that question. Beverley got a lot of money from the sale of the land, but her alibi for the fire was solid. Plus, she’s dead. Jess turns her attention to the planning commissioners who okayed the land for development. Maybe they got a little more out of the deal than they thought?

After dinner with Michael-the-travel-writer JB decides to pay a call on Elivra, to see if she can find out why Elvira acted so strangely about the letters. Instead she finds Elvira has committed suicide. While she waits for Harry to arrive Jess snoops around Elvira’s apartment, and finds a suicide note and some pain medication. Jess starts to suspect this may not be a suicide after all.  Her suspicions are confirmed the next morning, when Doc Hazlitt gets the results back – Elivra had severe arthritis, which would make her hanging from a tree until dead seem a little impossible.

The next morning JB goes to visit Edna, who has calmed down since the Great Bag Thumping. She tells JB that Elvira used to work for Beverley’s father a long time ago, and was very close to Beverley. So close, Jess mumbles, that she might be trusted to send an anonymous letter to Sheriff Tupper, for example. Down on the docks Harry has taken it upon himself to arrest Larry Burns for Elvira’s death – apparently someone saw them fighting the day she died, but Larry swears Elvira was just pissed at the way he’d fixed her lamp.

Naturally Jess thinks Harry has got it all wrong, and hatches a plan of her own. She enlists Michael to go down to the bar and keep an eye on the three developers while she has a poke around Beverley’s place. She hears footsteps and quickly hides, but a light upstairs and a tiny hole in the floor of the bathroom reveal her co-snooper is Amos, who was just in the neighbourhood.

Jess is convinced that Beverly was also murdered – the hole in the floor of the bathroom was in the perfect spot to see the bath, the power point and was in easy reach of the fuse box. They are very nearly caught in the act by Beverly’s boyfriend Adam but he is neutralised by a clunk on the head from Amos.

Back at the Sheriff’s office Harry Barnes has Adam put in the cells with Larry and Elvira’s hairy foreigner, who was busted trying to skip town. He’s convinced one of them did it, but he’s just not sure who. Jess is sure it isn’t any of them, and is starting to think the crazy letters were all a way for the killer to try and throw people off the scent of the one true ring anonymous letter – the one sent to Amos about the lighthouse fire. While she sits around her kitchen table talking it out with Doc Hazlitt and Amos she suddenly remembers Michael, still at the pub trying to stall the developers from developing anything.  A quick phone call to the bar reveals that Michael has done an amazing job of staying sober, but hasn’t learned much. The developers were out of town when the lighthouse burned down, but they could have paid someone to do it. Apparently they paid a massive finders fee to some real estate guy in town, but Michael wasn’t sure who.

Jess tells him to let one of the developers prise some information out of him, but not to make it too difficult. He staggers back to the table and slurs out that JB is on her way to Beverly’s house to prove that the fire was deliberate. The developers put in a quick call to their sidekick as a heads up. Meanwhile, JB is sitting in the basement waiting for the fly to enter her web.

And after awhile, he does. Oh dear.

He’s creepy and he’s kooky, and also guilty of multiple homicides.

At first he tries to bluster his way out of it, but JB is relentless. She tearfully explains how she worked it out. In reply, Harry draws his gun on her, but Amos, Seth and a deputy emerge from the shadows and take him away. “You don’t know how much I wanted to be wrong,” says Jess, sadly.

OW MY HEART.

I hate ending on a downer, so here’s Life Lesson #40: be wary of hairy foreigners renting out your downstairs.

Later gang