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S09E22 – Love’s Deadly Desire

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With a title like that, you know there’s going to be DRAMAH OH SAH DRAMAH.

It’s a dark and stormy night (obviously) JB is back in the Cove (Huzzah!) where fellow author and occasional Cabot Cove visitor Sibella Stone is reading from her latest book while smugglers are smuggling because that is literally what coves are for (see also, every Famous Five book ever).

I think JB is just about done with everything.

Sibella’s husband Derek Hartman turns up late and full of apology to pick up his wife and her assistant, Marian King. Derek has just secured a hot new manuscript from some random housewife in Oklahoma. Sibella insists JB pop round for a cup of tea and to check out ye olde journals Sibella found in the house she’s renting.

After they leave, Jessica finds Sibella’s purse and runs out to return it, only to find Marian and Derek having a pash on at the car.

Inconspicuous A F.

The next day Seth is barrelling down the main street of Cabot Cove when he crashes into Colin Burnham and Valerie Hartman. Colin is a dick and Valerie isn’t that much better to be honest, which of course gets Seth’s back up (although he did just also drop his dry cleaning in a puddle).

Angry Seth is Angry.

Valerie tells Seth to get his dry-cleaning redone and to charge it to her step-mother Sibella’s account. As she and Colin cruise off, leaving Seth huffing to himself, someone called Munro watches them leave before being summoned back inside the cafe where he works by someone called Sue. Facts.

JB takes the Fletchmobile to the lighthouse where Sibella and her crew are staying (YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT TO STAY IN A LIGHTHOUSE) and runs into handyman (and wouldn’t you know it, local smuggler) Phil Coyle, who warns JB the step is broken and also Sibella should just leave the house is falling down around them.

Jess smiles politely and flees inside to return Sibella’s purse. Far from packing to leave Sibella has decided to stay until the end of the week to finish her book, and then take a well-earned three week holiday to Montego Bay with Derek. She suggests they take the journals she found outside to peruse.

Preach.

Their reading is interrupted by Valerie storming out, furious that the INS is threatening to deport Colin for crimes against hairstyles. Sibella has a friend in Washington but she has no intention of calling him, telling Valerie if she’s thinking of doing anything more serious with that Picadilly Prima Donna (lol) they will cut her money off. Valerie storms off again and Sibella reminds Jess that she is hosting a dinner on Thursday and Jess must come.

Thursday rolls around and Marian drops some more journals off for JB to read. She is also in the market for some writing advice, she only knows JB and Sibella and Sibella seems miserable. JB tells Marian that if she wants to become a writer she just should get out there and do it.

That night, while Marian and Derek steal more kisses while no one is looking, Colin asks Sibella for help with his visa problem, only for Sibella to tell him she will only help if Colin leaves Valerie alone. Colin says nothing doing, and Sibella tells him she didn’t realise he had a choice. Outside, Sibella runs into Phil the handyman, ‘working late’. He tells her his work is never done and she sashays away down to the beach, while that Munro bloke appears out of nowhere and loiters around. JB and a very reluctant Seth, heading to the party, spotlights flashing in the harbour. Jess thinks it’s some sort of signal but before she can work out what, they stop.

Sibella heads to the boathouse, for reasons unknown, and falls through a rotten floorboard into the water. Her foot gets trapped between two rocks, and her screams for help go unheard, while the water rises. Told you! Drama! Inside, Seth makes his views on being at the party abundantly clear, while Colin does what he does best and talks about Colin. Seth mutters to JB that it’s been 40 minutes and there’s no sign of their host, when Marian appears with a note she found upstairs saying ‘Boathouse 7pm’.  Jess says that was over an hour ago, and they rush to the boathouse to find the water up to Sibella’s neck. Derek dives in and pulls her foot free, and Seth heaves her out of the water with some rope which is a fair effort really.

Sibella takes to her bed to recover, telling them that she was down at the boathouse to get some more journals she’d found for Jess to look at. They ask her about the note, and she tells them she’d left it for herself the previous night to meet with Phil Coyle to discuss the renovations.

Party over, Marian pays the caterers and has a run-in with Colin, who threatens to tell Sibella about her little something something with Derek, to which she says be my guest (not the answer he was expecting). Meanwhile, JB and Seth are heading home, Seth furious that JB had left him alone with them. She tells him she went to investigate the boathouse and not only were there no journals down there, the floorboards Sibella had fallen through had been cut, not rotten. They narrowly avoid crashing into Phil Coyle as he jets off into the night in his truck.

Later that night, a cloaked figure stands on the deck, gets clocked around the head and falls down to the beach below. The body is discovered by Munro the Random Guy while he’s out on a morning stroll, and as he explains to Mort as soon as he saw the body he ran for a phone. He doesn’t know who it is, but he’s seen that writer woman wearing a cloak like that one.  Mort freaks out and asks if he means Jessica Fletcher, but Munro says no, he thinks her last name is stone. Deputy Andy rolls the body over and EGAD YOU GUYS it’s not Sibella, it’s Marian the assistant.

Mort goes up to the lighthouse to inform everyone what’s happened, and JB pops in a short time later. She mentions the lights to Mort and Sibella mentions she’s seen them too, when she’s been walking along the bluff before bed. Mort asks if Sibella owns a grey cloack, and when she says yes asks fi Marian had one similar but Sibella says she thinks not. She’s horrified when they explain to her that this probably means that she was the intended victim, not Marian.

Down at the cafe Sue wants to know why Munro was anywhere near the beach to discover the body, and just how he is connected to the family but he’s giving away nothing.

Back at the house, JB wants answers and Mort is trying to catch up. Sibella comes clean about the note, saying that she’s been receiving death threats in the mail over several weeks, and that one was the latest. She thinks they are from her real first husband, not the fictitious count she’s been putting about.

As Jess goes to leave she runs into Derek and passes on her condolences abour Marian. Derek says she knows how to cut to the chase.

Indeed

Derek tells her the affair was only about him being in denial about his age (#cliche) while he thinks it was more serious for Marian.

Down in town Munro is on the phone telling someone it wasn’t supposed to include murder, while Valerie begs her father to help stop Colin’s deportation, whilst at the same time wishing it had been Sibella who got whacked, not Marian. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Mort has taken it upon himself to arrest Phil Coyle, rather aggressively.

Coyle, it turns out, has been smuggling ivory from Canada which seems both elaborate and specific. Mort throws him under arrest and thinks its a matter of time before he adds murder to the list of charges.

Down at the cafe Mort brags about his recent victory to Seth, but is deflated when Jess pops in and tells him he’s probably wrong, definitely wrong when she sees some writing on the whiteboard.

This episode is a whole new level of ridiculous. Let me cut to the chase.

I MEAN COME ON NOW.

To cut an incredibly long story short, Sibella was nailing Munro and instead of divorcing Derek for cheating on her she decided to bump Marian off, and was going to bump off Derek but she got busted. Also JB worked it out because Munro was the writer of the notes and he spells mince MINZE and also Marian was the hot new author Derek signed and for the life of me I have no idea what’s going on, how did Mort know Phil was smuggling?

I don’t. I just don’t. So let us leave Season 9 with Seth dropping an allegedly funny line about Munro needing spelling lessons and go google lighthouses to stay at.

Later Fletcherfans!

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S08E04 – Thicker Than Water

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Good news Fletcherfans! JB is heading back to Cabot Cove to make sure no one has been bumped off while she’s been in New York teaching/slaying/dominating, and has taken a little light reading with her.

Avoiding excess baggage fees like a boss

Avoiding excess baggage fees like a boss

While JB’s plowing through her book, a man with a bag comes to sit next to her. He’s a big fan and has a copy of one of her books he’d love for her to sign – the book that had been dedicated to Mort. Naturally JB is happy to oblige,  and asks the man, whose name is Wayne, what brings him to Maine. He tells her he is hoping to catch up with someone who used to be an old friend and with any luck will be again. As he goes back to his seat JB wishes him luck.

Back in the Cove, Mort and Seth are bickering because Seth has eight unpaid parking fines, and his excuse that a medical emergency trumps parking rules falls apart when Mort points out the fines are outside the bakery and the pool hall etcetera etcetera.  Seth makes out a cheque to Mort who then points out the cheque should be for $120, not $80. Seth tells him he’s giving himself a discount for paying them all at once.

Man. I wish I could pay 8 parking fines for $120, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't cover one fine now. It was a simpler time.

I wish I could pay 8 parking fines for $120, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t cover one fine now. It was a simpler time.

Seth departs in a haze of smug victory, but Mort soon gets a new visitor – the guy from the plane. Mort is less than excited to see him, and doesn’t seem on board with Wayne’s hopes to get a job and settle down in Cabot Cove. Wayne tells Mort he’s staying at the Lighthouse Inn, if he doesn’t see Mort before he has to checkout of the room he will go and never come back. He leaves and Jessica pops in just as Mort punches his desk.

I think Jess needs a holiday.

I think Jess needs a holiday.

Jess is just there to drop off a book for Adele. Mort tells her he’s fine but he’s super busy and not at all steamed about the guy who just left the office because he was 100% some guy just passing through town that’s all. Jess smiles and says they will talk later.

Later that night, while Adele’s voice orders Mort to bed, Mort gets nostalgic with some easy listening and some photo albums. Because Wayne is Mort’s brother you guys. I know, I didn’t see that coming either. *cough*

The next day, Wayne is anxiously waiting in his room at the hotel when at last there is a knock on the door. Mort comes in and tells Wayne he will give him one chance, but if he does anything to mess it up he’s out of the Cove on the first bus. Also if anyone asks Wayne is a friend of a friend of Mort’s. Mort takes him down to the docks where Commissioner Gordon Zach Franklin is having an argument with another bloke named Terry Montaigne who assures Mort that there’s nothing to see here and wanders away. Zach is looking for a deckhand and takes Wayne on, assuring Mort that he’ll be the first to hear if there is any trouble…which happens in about 30 seconds when Wayne meets Zach’s daughter Elaine. But Zach orders Wayne back to work and Elaine back to the office.

Meanwhile, Seth is helping JB pick out a lobster for dinner when he sees Mort coming towards them. He tells JB to get the biggest one, invites himself round for dinner and dashes away yelling something about being illegally parked. Mort comes over to apologise for his abruptness the previous day and Jess tells him not to worry about it. She also asks how his brother is enjoying Cabot Cove, which freaks Mort out but Jessica explains she put two and two together when she remembered Adele telling her about Mort’s wayward brother that he never talks about. Mort begs her not to tell anyone else who Wayne really is, because reasons.

Three weeks later, Wayne and Elaine are chatting on the docks. Things are going well, and Wayne is loving life. All of a sudden, another captain comes up to start a fight with Zach. Wayne steps in with his fists and his knife and sees the other captain off. Unfortunately for Wayne Zach notices his tattoo and disappears without a word. Wayne goes to see Mort but he still won’t give Wayne the time of day so instead he ends up having lunch with Jessica, and explaining that he was a trouble-maker when he was a kid, especially after their Dad died and Mort stepped up to take care of Wayne.

Mort, who just happens to be outside the cafe watching JB and his brother eating, is distracted when Seth wanders by to point out that the Sheriff is parked illegally and since Seth pointed out the infraction he will deduct it from his outstanding fines. Mort tells Seth he has 24 hours to pay the rest of the money or Seth’s going to jail.

Seth you're a doctor, stop being a tightarse.

Picture irrelevant.

Down at the docks, Elaine asks Wayne over for dinner that weekend, when her father is going to be out of town but before Wayne can say HELL YES Zach appears and orders Elaine back to work and Wayne to stay away from his daughter. He saw Wayne’s prison tattoo, and while he has no problems hiring an ex -con, there’s no way he’ll let one date his daughter. And if he has to, he’ll call Mort and tell him there’s money missing from the cashbox.

The next morning, Seth is around at Jessica’s having breakfast (nothing suss…or is there?) when Jess spies Mort coming up the driveway. Seth hightails it before Mort can bring up the fines again, but Mort has bigger issues on his mind – specifically warning Jessica to not get too attached to his trouble-making brother. Before JB can offer her opinion, the phone rings. Something has happened at the docks.

Wayne comes off the boat to tell Elaine, Mort and JB that Zach had disappeared off the boat overnight. Zach had told Wayne he’d take first watch and to go get some sleep at the front of the boat, and when Wayne woke up the galley was a mess and Zach had disappeared. Mort goes down below to confirm the story, and when he comes back up JB has found a trail of blood leading to a pile of rope, underneath which is Wayne’s knife covered in blood.

That’s enough for Mort, who takes Wayne down to the Sheriff’s office for questioning. Wayne thinks they were boarded in the night, but Mort ain’t buying it. Deputy Andy Broom appears with lab results (my word they get things done in Cabot Cove)

Sidenote: Andy is Abernathy in Westworld.

I have two favourite things about Westworld. One is the piano covers of songs. The other is Rodrigo Santoro. (I also support employment of All The Hemsworths but that's my top 2 things)

I have two favourite things about Westworld. One is the piano covers of songs. The other is Rodrigo Santoro. (I also support employment of All The Hemsworths but that’s my top 2 things)

Although the blood and tissue on the knife matches Zach, there are no fingerprints and as Wayne points out, no body and no motive. He storms out, and Mort tells Andy to follow him.

Back at House Fletcher JB is getting back to her light reading when Elaine pops by. She’s worried about Wayne, but also tells her about the fight between Wayne and her father. Also also, there’s two grand missing from the boat. Jess goes down to the sheriff’s office to alert Mort who is furious. Doubly so when he gets a phone call from Andy to let him know that Wayne has done a runner from his hotel room.

Down on the docks, Elaine is putting up a for sale sign on the boat when Terry Montaigne pops by to tell her that she can’t sell the boat, 90% of it is already his. Zach never made his payments and Terry let that slide, but now he’s getting his money one way or another. This all escalated very quickly.

JB finds a rather pensive Mort down on the docks. He finally tells her the reason for his soured relationship with Wayne – there was a night in New York where Mort was part of a sting operation, and one of the targets had escaped so Mort yelled out freeze. “Do you know what it’s like to look at your brother down the barrel of a 38?” Says Mort.

“How long can we look at each other, down the barrel of a gun?” Wayne probably didn’t say to his brother but who cares because I’ve already started singing.

You can’t just say ‘down the barrel’ and not expect me to drop a Farnham. (For those not down under and have never heard this song before, congratulations on missing the 2004 Australian election where it NEVER STOPPED BEING PLAYED (also at my friend Lauren’s 21st), but also the woman arguing in the video is Jackie Weaver. The dude is Derryn Hinch who is now a senator. I forgot they were in this video. I have amused myself. The end.)

In any case, Mort told Wayne to run. 3 weeks later he got busted being the getaway driver in a jewellery store robbery and as a result Mort quit his job in the NYPD.  Jessica tells him he can’t think of Wayne as his brother right now, he has to think of him as innocent until proven guilty. They go back to the boat to look for clues and JB is convinced that at the very least Wayne wasn’t a part of the fight, since he had no cuts or bruises on him. She wonders if someone else had been on the boat and Mort remembers Wayne telling him about the fight between Zach and the other sea captain. They decide to go and pay him a visit but redirect to Terry Montaigne’s house when a call comes in saying that Terry called in to tell them he knows who killed Zach. When they arrive, they see Wayne peeling out of the driveway in his car. Inside, Terry Montaigne is dead on the floor. Mort gets on the radio and puts out an APB on his brother, saying the charge is murder.

DRAMATIC AD BREAK PAUSE.

Wayne goes to see Elaine at the office to beg for her help. JB decides to go back to the boat to look for more clues and gets startled when Mort comes looking for her. He’s just learned that Elaine is about to come into a whole lot of money, but Jess has a theory that there might be a hiding place on the boat, and thanks to some blueprints left lying around, she finds it behind some bookshelves. Inside are some packages with serial numbers and a whole heap of bloody cloths.

Back at the office Elaine tells Wayne to get some sleep, but then hears noises. It’s JB and Mort, looking for the killer. Elaine tells them Wayne isn’t there but they tell her they’re looking for the real killer.

Now that I didn't expect. Mostly because I've been too busy singing to pay proper attention.

Now that I didn’t expect. Mostly because I’ve been too busy singing to pay proper attention.

Turns out, Zach was paying off his debt to Terry Montaigne by smuggling drugs for him, but when the debt was cleared and Terry demanded he continue, Zach came up with this cunning plan to end it all by faking his own death. And Zach’s not entirely pleased to have his plans rumbled. Wayne wakes up just in time and tries to take the gun off Zach, and it goes off.

But it’s all good! Wayne’s fine, there’s enough time for the pair of them to have a touching reunion in the hospital before Seth comes in to ruin the moment by declaring he will deduct Wayne’s medical bills from the fines he owes Mort. SETH YOU’RE A DOCTOR YOU ARE NOT BROKE JUST PAY THE DAMN FINES MY GOD.

 

Later gang!

Later gang!