I don’t know where we are this week gang, but it ain’t Cabot Cove. For the sake of this post, let’s call it the Part of America Where Rich People Have Horses and Hunt Things and Have Chamber Orchestras In Their Lounge Room. Comment below if you know where that is.

Now THAT’s an outfit

Anyway, Jess is in said part of the world to visit her cousin Abby, who is a horse trainer for Denton, a rich lecherous millionaire (aren’t they all), who has decided to have a hunt for his 80th birthday – so presumably the chamber orchestra isn’t a permanent fixture in his lounge room.

Like all rich lecherous millionaires, his children are all screw-ups: his son makes Grady look like presidential material, one daughter is an alcoholic slut, the other a New Age lunatic and her daughter is, frankly, just a bitch.

Spencer, Morgana, Echo and Trish – I’ll leave it to you to guess who is who..

The hunt begins, and they set off on a lovely scenic montage that is only ruined by Denton’s horse going apeshit and legging it over a fence. The horse disappears off into the sunset while Denton I’m afraid carks it, despite the best efforts of his dog Teddy to give him mouth to mouth. You’ll be pleased to know that his final act was screaming “Tally-ho!” while his horse leaped over a hedge in slow motion. If you’ve gotta go, at least do it right.

The five-0 arrive and everybody tutts about such a dreadful accident. Everyone except Jess, who is positive the horse had been drugged and suggests that a test be done to prove she’s right.

They conduct the test. She’s not right. WHAT IS THIS I DON’T UNDERSTAND? She’s all set to pack her bags and go home to the Cove, but her cousin begs her to stay. She doesn’t want to face the Children of the Corn on her own (and can you blame her? Look at that photo again).

Meanwhile, up in the big house, the Children of the Corn are boozing up in preparation for the will being read, and quietly wondering if Denton has done the dirty on them. Before long, Boswell the lawyer arrives, brandishing “the latest in will technology.”

Let’s all just take a moment to pause and remember our dear friend, the VCR.

Before revealing who gets the booty, Denton first burns each Child of the Corn, for being useless no-good ingrates. What a champ! He leaves a shotgun for his friend and neighbour Tom, and gifts for all the staff. The paintings? They’re off to a museum in Washington. Say goodbye to three million dollars kids!

The Children of the Corn are starting to panic. Then Denton reveals who has inherited the whole shebang.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Chaos erupts. Denton’s granddaughter helpfully points out that Teddy is a dog. The Children of the Corn demand vengeance! Spencer informs Boswell they are going to smash the will to pieces, at which point Boswell informs them that if they challenge the will, they get cut out, and if Teddy dies of anything other than natural causes, then all the money goes to the SPCA. Denton for the win!

In a move that could only be described as smart, Jess has stayed away from the Children of the Corn in their darkest hour, however Abby begs her to stay on a bit longer. And fair enough too – Trish the alcoholic slut is out for blood, and she wants Abby gone. Unfortunately for Trish, Abby’s boss is now a dog, and he’s not firing anybody. He does however, try to attack Spencer’s gonads, which while showing excellent judgement, does nothing to appease the situation. To make matters worse, a neighbour arrives with the police and yells that Teddy bit him, and he should be put down. It’s a canine conspiracy in action people!

Teddy is taken in to the sheriff’s office (presumably for questioning by Cesar Milan) but is later released. Justice at last – but Jess and Abby are still convinced that Denton was murdered, despite the whole lack of proof thing. They pay a visit to Boswell, who informs them of the Children of the Corn’s new plan to prove Teddy mentally incompetent. This could turn into the best episode of Law and Order ever! It turns out Spencer is up to his eyeballs in debt, as is Boswell for listening to Spencer in the first place.

Later than night, Teddy is hanging out in the security hut with the guard when Trish pulls up at the gate absolutely plastered. The guard opens the gate to let her in and, seeing her pass out in the driveway, goes to lend a hand. He leaves Teddy alone in the security hut. When he gets to the driveway he realises the gates are closing…on Trish’s head…

I guess she won’t be attending that hat convention in July. (Mental note, must watch Hudson Hawk again).

While the police do their business dusting for prints, Morgana reveals that she saw the ghost of her sister rise up and leave. The sheriff takes this on board, by which I mean he ignores her, and reveals that his minions have found a print on the button that closes the gate. Not a fingerprint – a paw print. The Children of the Corn are delighted – they can finally get rid of Teddy and make off with the millions!

Abby points out that accusing Teddy is ridiculous – he’s a dog! He couldn’t just murder someone, he’d have to be trained!

All eyes turn in her direction.

Abby states the bleeding obvious

Meanwhile, Jess is outside having a poke about. She’s got a bad feeling about all this…She goes to see the sheriff but is forced to share her theory with the Children of the Corn. Jess thinks that the ghost Morgana saw was actually the killer, and that Freddy was trained to press the button when he heard a whistle. The Sheriff helpfully produces a whistle he found outside – but it’s Abby’s.

Abby and Teddy are both sent to the cells, and while Jess and Boswell go and protest their innocence, the Sheriff doesn’t want to know about it. He knows what’s up. As she turns to go, the Sheriff thanks Jess for her help in solving the case.

Life Lesson #17: It is possible to swear loudly at someone without opening your mouth.

Determined to show the Sheriff what a blithering moron he is, Jess goes back to the ranch to look for clues, and it’s not long before she finds one. She knows HOW the killer did it, all she needs to find out now is WHO… She goes and pays a visit on Mr Potts – he who was allegedly bitten by Teddy – and confirms her suspicions that he was a lying sack of horse manure. Unfortunately for Jess, she’s sprung by Potts’s accomplice – Spencer – and some fast talking on Jess’s part gets her away from the trigger-happy Potts. She knows who the killer is now…

Small-time country lawyer MY ASS.

So to conclude: Trish killed her father because SOMEONE TOLD HER HOW MUCH MONEY SHE WOULD GET, but then when she didn’t get it she threatened to blackmail Lawyer of Death, so he bumped her off.

There you have it folks – case closed, our Jess heads home to Cabot Cove, Abby goes home to England, and Teddy goes to get his just rewards…

Life Lesson #18 – All Dogs Go To Heaven

See you next week, dear reader.