S03E15 – The Bottom Line is Murder

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JB is in Denver this week gang, visiting her old friend Jayne and her husband Steve, who is a producer on local ‘consumer affairs’ show Bottom Line, hosted by resident douchebag Kenneth Chambers.

Just so we're clear, he's a douchebag.

Just so we’re clear, he’s a douchebag.

Steve isn’t the only one hating his job at the moment. Fellow producers Lynette Bryant (previously seen here) is feeling the wrath of Khan Chambers, his assistant Ryan Munroe is fired for spilling coffee on his chair and failing to fix the TV in Chambers’s office, Joe Rinaldi has found himself a target of one of Kenneth’s special reports and it’s only Jayne and Steve’s friend Robert, the station manager, who seems to be in a good mood.

Douchey McDoucherson is, unsurprisingly, delighted to see JB. And he should be because I have a funny feeling this dude is going to be an ex-douche before too long.

Steve, Rob, Jayne and JB all go out to dinner but Steve is called back in to work. As Rob leaves, he tells JB and Jayne that he can commiserate – he’d been working back on his own every night that week. This is news to Jayne, who had been told by her husband that he’d also been working back every night that week. DA DUM.

Meanwhile, at the station, the janitor has just discovered the body of Kevin Chambers. His reaction is appropriate.



The next morning Jayne and JB head to the studio and discover the place crawling with police and reporters. Inside, police lieutenant and Kenneth Chambers’s “expert witness” Lou Flannagan is holding court, mostly about how his awesomeness is dwarfed by the legacy Chambers has left behind. He informs JB of the time of death, between ten and midnight, and is most interested to learn where Jayne’s husband Steve was at the time. Steve bobs up just at the right time and Flannagan takes him off for questioning. After some sweet talking from Our Heroine, he allows her to sit in on the interview, provided that she clear any final story with him.

Fun fact: the actor playing Lieutenant Flannagan has basically been in every TV show in history. Including ones that haven't even begun filming yet.

Fun fact: the actor playing Lieutenant Flannagan has basically been in every TV show in history. Including ones that haven’t even begun filming yet.

In Steve’s office the lieutenant interrogates him about his alibi for the night before – unfortunately for Steve he had a fight with Chambers, then drove off for a couple of hours to cool down before going home. One of Flannagan’s minions appears with the murder weapon. It was found in the back seat of Steve’s car. Flannagan is quick to put Steve under arrest, despite JB’s protestations of the bleeding obvious.

“Maam, you’re just an observer here.” Says Flannagan.

“Yes. And what I’ve observed is a complete lack of common sense!” Says JB.

Heh heh heh

Heh heh heh

While Jayne and JB hold a war meeting at home to think of people who might want to murder Chambers (everyone) and set Steve up (noone), Lynette the producer has her eyes on the prize – completely revamping the show including its new host, Chambers’s former assistant Clare.

The next morning, Robert thinks they must accept the fact that Steve might have done it but JB shoots that down. He is happy to give her some alternate suspects – Joe Rinaldi, the dodgy toy king, and the aforementioned former assistant Clare. JB goes looking for Clare and finds Lynette in full takeover mode. She tells JB that Steve never even wanted to be producer, so it’s totally okay that she’s jumping into his shoes. In reality Steve wanted to be station manager, but Lord Doucheface gave the job to Robert instead.

JB finds Clare backstage, not entirely happy with the new direction her life has taken. She agrees with JB’s certainty that Steve didn’t kill Chambers, and fills her in on the dodgy toy king Rinaldi. When they go to watch the footage Chambers had compiled, it’s missing.

Ugh. I’m starting to not care. I want to hear more from Lord Takei. Anyway, JB confronts Rinaldi about the missing tapes and he freaks out, saying that he paid Chambers to kill the story the night before. A search of Chamber’s previously-undiscovered-sitting-in-plain-view safe reveals Rinaldi’s tapes and money, along with a few other stories Chambers had been paid to quash.

In a rare moment of non-dickness, Lieutenant Flannagan offers to drive JB home, and they discuss the case. Flannagan is still not convinced that Steve didn’t do it. JB looks at the crime scene photos and notices that Chambers was shot in the back. Flannagan tells her that it’s because (in his opinion) Chambers must have been watching the television behind his desk.

As a side note, here’s Lynette’s vision for the new TV show as hosted by Clare.

Although to be fair, if Matt White had worn this getup while hosting Today Tonight I probably would have actually watched it.

Although to be fair, if Matt White had worn this getup while hosting Today Tonight I probably would have watched it.

Enough of that though, because GOOD NEWS. Lord Takei Bert Tanaka has reappeared, to claim JB’s discarded coffee cup for his collection. Bert collects trash from famous people. Bert has a collection of celebrity trash.

And there it is. I'm giving myself a yellow card. That was truly appalling. I apologise,

And there it is. I’m giving myself a yellow card. That was truly appalling. I apologise.

Bert tells JB that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened on his rounds that night. Steve fought with Chambers, which meant that Steve wasn’t in his office for the first night that week so he could clean. Then he did the rounds, emptied the ashtrays and cleared the trash.

WAIT A MINUTE. I seem to recall that Steve wasn’t at work that week. Does this mean Robert’s a liar?

In a word, yes.



This is what happens when you fall in love with your psychiatrist and then she marries your best friend and you go a bit insane and murder your boss when you mistakenly think it’s your best friend so instead you try and set your best friend up for murder but ultimately fail because JB is ALL KNOWING.

Cool story, needs more Takei.

Live long and prosper, Fletcherfans.

Live long and prosper, Fletcherfans.



S03E14 – Murder in a Minor Key


JB has had a rough day, Fletcherfans. She spent all day fighting with the power company, got home, and now has to spend all night telling us the story of her new book, Murder in a Minor Key. Even worse, she has to wear the “slippers” that World’s Worst Nephew Grady bought her:

Heeled slippers. Good work Grady. *facepalm*

Heeled slippers. Good work Grady. *facepalm*

But never mind all that because it’s storytime!

The place is a university in Southern California. Michael Prentiss is a budding film composer. His best friend is a soft spoken law student from the deep south named Chad Singer and a quirky young lady from New York named Jenny Coopersmith. (This is awesome, JB is practically writing this post for me. Booyah!) The gang are at their favourite campus bar, chilling out when the lady at the piano starts playing a song from a upcoming Broadway musical. Michael thinks it sounds familiar, and he’s got good reason: he wrote it. Outraged, he goes to see the only other person who has seen Michael’s music  – his professor, Tyler Stoneham.

After Mike crashes his orchestra rehearsal Stoneham agrees to meet him in his office, where he doesn’t deny stealing the music and submitting it under the fake name Alden Gilbert. He tells Michael to do his worst – noone will believe him and Stoneham will see to it that Michael never works in the industry ever again. To conclude, he’s a dick. Just as Michael informs the professor that if he has to, he’ll settle things himself, Professor Papasian comes in. (Fun fact, he’s being played by Rene Auberjonois, whose surname I simply cannot pronounce and so refer to as Rene Aubergine)

The next morning, Professor Dick is kicking back in his Dick Palace with his wife Christine, who has a bone to pick herself. Seems Professor Dick wasn’t in San Diego all these weekends like he said he was, and she’d like an explanation/the other woman’s name.

Professor Dick is amused.



He breaks the record for being a condescending arse, pats her on the head (HE ACTUALLY DOES THIS, UGH WHAT A DICK) and tells her she has nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, across town, Reagan Miller has just discovered courtesy of the newspaper that the Alden Gilbert she was working with was actually Professor Dick.

That night, a protest breaks out at the campus for reasons. (Like most campus protests in my experience). The Vice-Chancellor is not pleased and orders the unofficial leader of the protest, campus newspaper editor Danny Young, to shut it down. He doesn’t, for the record.

While the protest rages, Michael goes into the Music building to look for his copy of the music Dick stole. He hears Dick on the phone in his office so decides to wait in the instrument storage room and wait for the light on Dick’s extension to go out. Dick ends the call but tries another number almost immediately. It seems not to connect, so Michael sees his chance but as he opens the door he sees Professor Papasian lurch into Dick’s office. Seems Dick has pissed off another one and forgotten to include Papasian’s name on their music dictionary. DICK MOVE, WHAT A DICK etc.

Michael, waiting patiently in the storage room and watching the protest decides to make his move, and goes into Dick’s office to look for his music. Unfortunately he fails to spot Dick’s corpse lying on the floor. The security guard who comes in to check on the office doesn’t though, and promptly arrests Michael.

JB’s not going easy on this kid. His music’s been stolen and now he’s arrested for a murder he didn’t commit.

There's definitely whiskey in that tea.

There’s definitely whiskey in that tea.

Michael’s friend Chad goes to visit him in jail to get the full story. Michael convinces him of his innocence and so Chad, along with his girlfriend Jenny (previously seen in Grease as Marty Maraschino, you know, like the cherry) vow to clear their friend’s name.

Chad goes to see Danny the newspaper editor to get background info on everyone via old copies of the paper. He learns that Dick’s wife Christine used to be rather friendly with the Vice-Chancellor back in the day, and accordingly asks him about it. The Vice-Chancellor tells him they were friends only, and sternly hopes that Chad doesn’t feel the need to query him again.

Next on Chad’s hit list is Professor Papasian, the last person to see Professor Dick alive. He gives Chad the tour of the music department, explaining that the Dickphone would ring in his office and the instrument room. He feels badly about telling the police about Michael’s argument with Dick, but is scandalised when Chad brings up the Professor’s own fight with Dick the night he died.

That night Chad and Jenny compare notes. Jenny tells Chad that she has tracked down the producer of the play containing Michael’s stolen music, but that no one has seen him for a few days. Chad realises that Professor Dick and Alden Gilbert are the same person, and wonders who else knows. The next morning he goes to see the newly widowed Mrs Dick, Christine, who tells him about Dick’s trips to San Diego. She also tells him that she called her husband the night he died, during the commercial break of a show she was watching around 9:45pm, when he told her he was waiting for Professor Papasian and the galley of his book. As Chad takes his leave via the front door, the Vice-Chancellor appears from upstairs, wondering what Chad wanted. Christine almost thinks Chad was accusing her of murder.

I’m not sure what JB thinks of Chad’s detecting skills.

Although to be fair to Chad, JB wrote the book.

Although to be fair to Chad, JB wrote the book.

Meanwhile, back on campus, Professor Papasian is celebrating being promoted to the head of the faculty by eating an invisible carrot.

It's definitely not an aubergine.

It’s definitely not an aubergine.

His invisible carrot eating is interrupted by mysterious noises coming from Dick’s office. Upon closer investigation he finds Dick’s Broadway producer pal Max Hellinger looking for the songs Professor Dick owed him. He offers five grand to Professor Papasian to find them in 48 hours.

At home, Chad finds Jenny playing one of the songs and wondering who wrote the lyrics (clearly not Professor Dick). Chad remembers what Mrs Dick said about San Diego and asks Jenny to suss out all the calls made from Dick’s office to San Diego, in the hope that they can flush out the mystery lyricist.

Speaking of Mrs Dick, she’s just got home from banging the Vice-Chancellor and is completely unaware of Professor Papasian ransacking her late husband’s office looking for the missing music. Until he knocks something over, she shoots wildly with a gun and Papasian smashes through the window.

Chad gets a phone call from Danny the next morning, and has a fairly good guess as to who the man ransacking the house might have been. He confronts Papasian who admits to breaking in to look for the missing music. Chad tracks down Max the producer, who tells him that he didn’t see Dick the night he died, he only spoke to him on the phone around 9:30pm, when Dick said he was waiting for a phone call. They made breakfast plans but Dick never showed, on account of being dead.

Chad goes home and is surprised to find Jenny looking pleased with herself – she’d tracked down the missing lyricist, Reagan. She tells them that she was at the campus that night, but she couldn’t find Professor Dick’s office and then the police were all over the place by ten o’clock so she left. She takes her leave, saying she’s got get home to record a jingle she wrote for a commercial which gives Chad an idea.

Today the role of Chad’s idea will be played by my crappy drawing of a lightbulb.

Oh Chad.

Oh Chad.

JB is less enthused with Chad’s breakthrough.



JB has left a massive clue for us to solve this case. I’ll be honest, the first time I watched this I was so c0nfused that JB wasn’t solving it that I didn’t really pay attention to anything else. But, she did in fact leave a clue and thanks to a helpful recreation of the evening’s events Chad proves who the killer is.

But the Dick had it coming, so fair enough really.

But the Dick had it coming, so fair enough really.

Chad’s amazing recreation of events sufficiently proved that Mrs Dick didn’t call her husband, she stabbed him with a tuning fork.

Now, if you’ll excuse JB, she’s just had an idea for a sequel involving Chad, Jenny, a defrocked priest and a professional wrestler who walk into a bar…

Later gang!

Later gang!

S03E13 – Crossed Up


So. Last week’s episode was boring, and I hoped this week’s would be better, but at least Grady wasn’t in it last week.

Guys, I have some bad news.



World’s worst nephew and general failure at life, Grady is in Cabot Cove to look after his aunt Jess, who did her back trying to put up storm windows ahead of the imminent Hurricane Ida. Well, I say ‘look after’ but after a breakfast of tuna omelette and a lunch of tuna surprise, I think the “looking after” bit is more “trying to poison.”

The surprise is that Grady can actually cook. LOL, J/K, Grady can't do anything.

The surprise is that Grady can actually cook. LOL, J/K, Grady can’t do anything.

JB is not enjoying her current situation, and it isn’t helped when Seth turns up to see how she’s doing, to warn her that if she’s not careful she could be flat on her back for another week, and to give her a present – an emergency buzzer connected to a pager in his jacket.  I’m not gonna lie guys, I think this might come up again later. JB begs Seth for food, and he departs to see what he can find.

Later that afternoon, Our Heroine is wide awake and bored. She goes to make a call, but the wires are crossed and instead she can hear two men talking. (Remember when crossed lines happened? Remember when we all called from land lines? REMEMBER ROTARY PHONES!) Anyway, with absolutely nothing better to do JB settles in to listen to the call, and immediately hits paydirt: some guy is demanding more money from some other guy before he’ll whack the old guy! Unfortunately for Jess her eavesdropping is cut short when one of her windows blows open (BECAUSE GRADY IS A TOTAL FREAKING FAILURE AT ALL THE THINGS), and by the time Grady appears to shut the window and listen to the call the phone line has died. Seth returns with food and Jess tells him about the murder plot, and that someone needs to call Amos. Seth and Grady pat her on the head and tell her that they’ll be sure to tell Amos all about it. A stroke of luck sees the phone come back and Jess calls the operator to see if the crossed line can be traced.

Meanwhile, down at the diner, Amos is cheerfully oblivious to any potential problems – like Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin, who saw Amos coming, scarpered out the bathroom window and bolted in his truck. But not before nearly running Grady over, so there’s a plus. Grady tells Amos about JB’s crazy scheme and Amos tells him not to worry, he’ll calm her down.

Literally one second later…

Because telling a person to calm down ALWAYS WORKS.

Because telling a person to calm down ALWAYS WORKS.

Jess tries to explain the plot to Amos, saying that the killer mentioned using a Mach 4.

“He’s going to run him over?” Grady asks, confused.

Fierce JB is Fierce.

Fierce JB is Fierce.

Amos tells Jess he’ll ‘get right on it’ (winks at Seth) but that “As sheriff and as your friend I promise you – no one is getting murdered in Cabot Cove tonight!”

The next morning, news breaks that local millionaire Jebediah Rogers has been shot to death in his home.



At the crime scene, Seth asks Amos for a humble pie recipe but Amos isn’t sold just yet. It’s clearly a coincidence. He asks the dead guy’s granddaughter Leslie if she heard anything but she tells him she slept through everything, including the storm. Jebediah’s first son Morgan arrives to mourn/look through his father’s desk, and tells Amos he was home alone working when his father was shot.

Back at home, JB tells Grady that she might out of action but she can still think. (I love it, she’s not even pretending to let Amos solve this one). She sends Grady to the crime scene to make a sketch and to report back on any potential shenanigans. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when sending Grady is your best move.

Grady dutifully goes to the crime scene and sketches away, before bumping into Leslie. She remembers him from a fishing trip they both went on six years earlier (WHY? WHY ARE THESE WOMEN IN LOVE WITH GRADY? THIS IS HURTING MY BRAIN). Leslie tells Grady that she thought something might like this would happen, and that her grandfather had been fighting with her uncles to the point where he was going to change his will. She tells him she has something that will help JB but is called away before she can say what it is.

Adam Rogers, another son of Jeb’s wanders in to provide his alibi. He found a nice little cocktail waitress that needed sheltering from the storm *cough hooker cough* and will be more than happy to provide him with an alibi. He takes a look in the same drawer his brother Morgan did, and is equally unhappy to find it empty.

Jess conducts a strategy meeting from the war room (her bed) and tries to convince Amos that the murderer wasn’t a burglar, just as Amos tries to convince JB that none of the family has an alibi strong enough to protect them from a hired killer theory. All three brothers were either alone or with shady witnesses (hooker/wife). JB is focussed on the hired gun theory and wonders about any strangers that might have bobbed up in town. Grady has a sudden brainwave (!) and remembers that time Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin nearly ran him down outside the diner. Amos and JB do some detecting (well, partially true) and they learn that Brian Blessed’s Seafaring Cousin is almost certainly Abel Gorsey, recently released from prison after being caught stealing from Old Man Jebediah.

Adam Rogers wanders in to the Sheriff’s Department with Gordon and his wife Dodi to demand a special investigator be brought in to handle the case, but Amos tells them the case is basically solved. They are stunned to learn that Abel Gorsey is almost certainly the killer.

It’s not long before Amos has his man cornered at a cabin on Red Hill Bluff. He takes his crack squadron of deputies and a megaphone…and finds Gorsey dead on the ground.

Amos is all set to take the rest of the week off and go fishing but Seth throws it all out when he informs them that Gorsey was killed before Jeb Rogers, making him unlikely to be the murderer. Unless he’s a zombie. Which honestly might be true. Back at square one, Amos tells Jess he’ll secretly record each of the Rogers’s talking to see if any of them might be the raspy voice she heard on the phone. She sends Grady off to see what Leslie has been hiding, which turns out to be a journal her grandfather was keeping including details of the changes he was going to make to his will.

Meanwhile, Amos is doing a bit of highly sophisticated and incredibly subtle wire-wearing.

Hour #21: Still not suspected of wearing a wire...

Hour #21: Still not suspected of wearing a wire…

His covert session is cut short, however, by the arrival of Dodi to inform them that the press have arrived.

WE MEET AGAIN, MR BOND (And yes, I know it was Goldfinger not Blofeld who said that, just shush alright?)

WE MEET AGAIN, MR BOND (And yes, I know it was Goldfinger not Blofeld who said that, just shush alright?)

Later that night Amos plays the tape for Jess but she doesn’t recognise any of the voices. It’s not until she hears Gordon on the television, holding the cat, that she realises that his is the voice she heard. Amos promises to call JB the minute Gordon is in custody. Seth drops by with an envelope for Jess from the telephone operator, and Grady offers to help sandbag down at the harbour. Jess tells them all to scoot and is left alone to contemplate her gnawing feeling that something is not quite right. There’s no way Gordon killed Abel, but it just seems too unlikely to be an accident.

When JB reads the phone records she realises that Gordon couldn’t be the killer of either man. She tries to call Amos but someone cuts the phone. Then the power.

(Honestly, at this point I had all of my fingers crossed for the killer to be a certain person. And I was right).

As soon as she started stroking that cat I was all "KILLER!" That's just basic laws of the universe right there,

As soon as she started stroking that cat I was all “KILLER!” That’s just basic laws of the universe right there.

Always suspect the white cat stroker. Seriously guys, this law is CONCRETE.

Later gang!

Later gang!

ETA: So yeah, the necklace Seth gave Jess back at the start totally came in handy when Dodi tried to shoot JB. I forgot to mention that. Honestly I was mostly muttering “No Mr Bond I expect you to die!” and giggling a bit.

S03E12 – The Corpse Flew First Class


Disclaimer: I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as I wanted to.  I kind of got bored. And I kind of got distracted. And then I started drawing snakes. If you value your life I would check in again next week. 

JB is on the road again, except by road I mean sky – she’s off to London on a well deserved vacation. Naturally she’s flying first class, and her fellow first-classians are a bit of an odd bunch.

Exhibit A, Sonny Greer:



Captain Janeway Sonny Greer is on her way to London with her bodyguard/boytoy Leon the professional, and is carrying a buttload of diamonds to celebrate. In the first class departure terminal she bumps into her friend Dr Cliff Strayhorne, travelling to London to perform plastic surgery on Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom. (Not her real name. Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom is actually my alias. I begged to be introduced as such at my brother’s wedding in August but it was denied.)

After a run-in with a paparazzo Sonny also literally bumps into Our Heroine who was minding her own business and eating prawn puffs. She is rescued by Scotland Yard detective Errol Pogson (who is being played by David Hemmings who is in Deep Red which is the GREATEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME and I’m not saying it’s available to watch on You Tube and that you should go and watch it right now because it is better than this episode, but I’m suggesting it, okay?)

Boarding the plane, Jess is less than thrilled to discover she’s sitting next to Gunnar Globle (not kidding), who appears to be playing the role of Michael Bay. When the flight attendant tells JB he’s a big fan and to let him know if there’s anything he can do to make her flight more comfortable (wink wink) Gunnar says “Level with me. Are you anybody?”

Aren't we all, though.

Aren’t we all, though.

Despite Gunnar’s request for more explosions and more aliens, JB is less than keen to take a look at the script. It’s only when Gunnar boasts of his dealmaking prowess, and that he will close this deal even if it takes the whole flight to London to do it that Jess agrees to read it.

I dunno, Offroad Aliens sounds amazing! *Coughs*

While a shady elderly couple refuse to have their bag put in the overhead, a flight attendant gets the booze rolling for Captain Janeway Sonny Greer and Leon the professional gets his hypnosis tape ready for the flight. Unfortunately for him, his Walkman (naww) isn’t working. To cope with this, he goes to the bathroom, smacking into another passenger on the way. Poor Leon is not having a good day.

JB is bored. (I’m not kidding, I kind of am too). The inflight movie is boring and the bathroom has been taken over by a bloke shaving. Fortunately, the movie ends, they hit a patch of turbulence, snakes drop out of the overhead compartments and Leon flops over dead in his seat.


Image not altered.

Flight attendants come to move the body and the hordes of snakes out of sight (because lord knows you can’t have a corpse in first class). Sonny remembers her necklace but a search of the body and his bag reveals nada. The diamond necklace has been stolen. Presumably taken hostage by the snakes.

Errol outs himself as a Scotland Yard detective and decides to search the belongings of the first class passengers, which doesn’t please Gunnar or the shady old couple. Jess offers her assistance, and Errol gratefully accepts, saying he’s a bit up in the air at the moment.



JB volunteers to be the first one searched. A passenger sitting down the front volunteers his thoughts on how the diamond might be disposed of on the European black market. He introduces himself as John Sukahara, a gem dealer and offers himself up to be the next one searched.

This escalated quite quickly.

This escalated quite quickly.

Errol steps in, so JB instead goes to take a peek at the body. The blueish tinge under the fingernails tells her Leon was poisoned. BY SNAKES, OBVIOUSLY. She asks for the ticketing records and seating chart for the first class cabin and works out that since Sonny only booked her flight to London that day, anyone who booked after her might be the ones who stole the necklace. That rules out everyone except Sukahara, so they decided to search the cabin crew’s luggage just for the hell of it. This turns out to be a wise move, as the necklace turns up in the bag belonging to one of the stewardesses, Kay Davis.


Mr Sukahara pops up again to take a look at the necklace and informs them it’s a fake. Back to the drawing board, Errol searches the belongings of the shady old couple and finds their poodle they’re smuggling into England for a holiday. Man, they could have been at least smuggling meth or something. Errol has a brainwave and checks the flight manifests for all airlines flying from Boston to London on that day – and turns up the same passenger booked on every flight, including theirs, Otto Hardwick. Another search of his possessions reveals a can of shaving cream, and if we’ve learned nothing from Jurassic Park (apart from confirmation that they do move in herds) it’s that shaving cream is an excellent way to smuggle things. Errol unscrews the bottom of the can and finds more snakes the necklace.

“Close shave, eh Hardwick?” Says Errol.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Errol ties Hardwick up with some wool pinched from Shady Old Lady’s knitting bag (because ain’t no one escaping from woollen handcuffs) and Hardwick confesses to the theft, and to murdering Leon.



Job concluded, the plane lands and Errol takes Hardwick off the plane to escort him to Scotland Yard but is stopped by airport security. Apparently the customs chief needs a word with him.

And by chief, I mean boss. And by boss, I mean JB. Because apparently, Hardwick wasn’t working alone. JB worked it out when he confessed to murdering Leon, a murder he absolutely didn’t commit because he didn’t need to. He had the necklace. But, he admitted to the theft, and that told JB that Errol was his partner in crime. Does that even make sense to anyone?

More to the point, who killed Leon?

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

He was leaving her so she killed him. Whatever. Fletcherfans, that episode suuuuuuuuuucked. Lets hope next week is better. In the meantime, here’s a video of Oprah Winfrey unleashing a swarm of killer bees on a joyous audience.


Fingers crossed next week is better

Fingers crossed next week is better

S03E11 – Night of the Headless Horseman


JB is in Vermont this week Fletcherfans, summoned there by her orphaned protégé Dorian Gray Beecher, newly appointed poetry teacher English teacher at the local school and Grady-in-training. The extent of his Gradyness is made clear when JB learns that everyone in town is under the impression that she is in fact Dorian’s mother,

That is such a Grady move...

That is such a Grady move…

After a whole lot of dodging and weaving Dorian finally comes clean. He’s fallen in love with his boss’s daughter, (DAMMIT GRADY) but his boss is a Monumental Snob who refuses to associate with anyone who doesn’t have a forest of family trees. So when his beloved Sara told him to invite his mother for a visit, Dorian panicked and invited JB. “I had to have a mother, at least for the weekend,” says Dorian.

Seriously, Grady's apprentice.

Seriously, Grady’s apprentice.

JB’s facepalming is cut short when Dorian slams on the breaks to avoid his competitior for Sara’s heart, school riding instructor and local douchebag Nate Findley showboating on his horse. Nate enjoys being a dick, dressing up like the headless horseman and throwing flaming pumpkins at Dorian and may appear familiar to you…


Greg mad. Greg SMASH!

Dorian introduces JB to Sara (who is just as much a Grady as he is), the school administrator Charlotte Newcastle and Sara’s father, Edwin Dupont. “Aren’t you a little young to have a son Dorian’s age?” Says Edwin.

“Actually, becoming Dorian’s mother was one of the biggest surprises of my life.” Says JB.

(This is also how I get through my day job).

(This is also how I get through my day job).

JB is saved from any further embarassing questions by the arrival of Brian Blessed’s German cousin Dorn Von Stotter, school groomsman and father to the late poetry teacher, who has caught some of the schoolboys listening at the door. Charlotte attends to them, then later orders Nate to stay away from Sara or else. Nate is unfazed by this, saying “My daddy always taught me one good threat deserves another.”

Can this be true?

Seems legit (image source)

Seems legit (image source)

Later than night, JB is out to dinner to Dorian and trying to get him to sort his life out but people keep interrupting – they all want to meet Mrs Beacher.This particular face is pulled after the bimbo bartender wanders over for a hello.



“Oh she’s just like you described her,” she says. “Elegant as a duchess, soft as a kitten with eyes that smile with a child’s laughter.”


“I’m not sure he remembers, Mrs Beacher, he was totally polluted at the time.” The bartender adds.

Life Lesson #44 - 'Polluted' is possibly the most adorable euphemism for drunk in history.

Life Lesson #50 – ‘Polluted’ is possibly the most adorable euphemism for drunk in history.

Dorian orders a double martini, which JB then changes to a single, saying “I don’t want you polluted with me.” BURN! They are soon joined by town dentist Doc Walker, who sidelines in asking people about their jewellery (sounds shady to me). Fortunately for JB further conversation is impossible after Nate Findlay arrives to tell Dorian to stay away from Sara, she’s private property, and “I know how to make a woman throb.”

Nope. I’m not okay with that sentence either. On behalf of decent human beings every Dorian punches Greg Brady in the face, proving he’s not a complete Grady just yet. A brawl breaks out and is only ended with the Sheriff comes in to hold Nate Findlay back.

JB tries to talk to Dorian but he tells her he’s too ashamed to talk, and that he’ll see her tomorrow. He walks over to Sara’s house but gets no response out of her, so continues on home. On the way he runs into a car load of Nate’s buddies from the pub, who gleefully throw a sabre at him and drive away. Soon after, the headless Brady horseman appears and charges at Dorian, who brandishes his sabre, takes aim, and then falls over and knocks himself out. He Gradyed that one.

The next morning, German Brian Blessed Dorn Van Strotter and Charlotte are alarmed to find Nate’s horse Gunshot still tacked up in the stables, with no sign of Nate. Dorian staggers in, demanding to see Nate but to no avail.

Meanwhile, JB is on her bike on the way to see Dorian but is held up by a police roadblock. The Sheriff leads JB, Charlotte and Dorian to his discovery: Nate Findlay will never become the HEAD of a corporation. He is HEADing in the wrong direction. He will never get aHEAD in life. To summarise: Greg Brady’s has had his head cut off. And yes, I am humming “Won’t Get Fooled Again” right now.

The Sheriff is convinced that Dorian is guilty, but JB runs logical rings around him in about thirty seconds. She points out how stupid it would be for Dorian to return to the scene of the crime, how stupid it is to cut someone’s head off (not wrong) and how stupid it is for Greg Brady to be wearing his boots on the wrong feet, and how stupid it is to think that Dorian would lie, Dorian doesn’t lie, and no she’s not saying that because she’s he’s mother because she’s not his mother!


(I’m not gonna lie, I kind of do think Dorian is that stupid. But let’s just keep that between ourselves, okay?)

While Dorian mourns the fact that his future with Sara is in jeopardy and ignores the fact that he’s in jail for murder, JB goes to investigate Dorian’s news that Edwin Dupont nearly ran him over on his way home the previous night. Sara tries to cover for her father, and fails dismally. JB admits to her that she’s not really Dorian’s mother and Edwin appears, having just got off the phone with the sheriff. He registers his disapproval with her, Dorian and life in general but admits he was out driving to the school, having received an anonymous note that Charlotte was embezzling school funds. Because an anonymous note is always a reliable source.

JB goes up to the school, and after a failed interrogation with one of the students, JB decides to interrogate the horse, with difficulty,

But at least he's in a STABLE CONDITION! *drops mic*

But at least he’s in a STABLE CONDITION! *drops mic*

After the horse proves uncooperative, JB runs into German Brian Blessed Dorn Van Stotter who is equally uncooperative, He confirms he was not Nate Findlay’s biggest fan, but had no reason to kill him. He suggests JB goes and asks someone else.

JB takes him up on his suggestion and goes to see Charlotte, who notes that the visit must be due to the anonymous tip. She tells JB that there is a problem with the accounts, but that she only found out about it after Edwin Dupont rang her up to yell at her about it. Jess asks her if she thinks Nate Findlay is behind it, but Charlotte won’t be drawn into Nate’s death. JB takes a look at the note, and wonders at the terrible spelling – it might be a student, or it might be from someone who doesn’t speak the language well, and who (barely) looks like Brian Blessed.

Adjourning to the pub to consider her next move, JB finds a broken shell of a Dorian, miserable now that Sara won’t speak to him. Bobby the bartender tries to cheer him up and in doing so tells JB about how she saw Nate Findlay riding down the street in his horseman costume at 11:30 the night he died. Jess wonders where he went after he left the pub, but a howl from Dorian stops her in her tracks. It appears he’s done something to his tooth. How convenient, then, that there should be a dentist in this episode! While the Doc operates on Dorian’s face, JB asks him if he remembers anything about Nate Findlay that night, but he’s got nothing.

Dorn Van Stotter ain’t got nothing though. In fact, he has a bag. And he’s burying it, while one of the Children of the Corn students watches.

The next morning Charlotte tells JB that she’s discovered the embezzler – it’s Van Stotter. While Charlotte calls the Sheriff, JB pays the stables a visit, and comes across the Children of the Corn boys in their lair. They tell her that it was them who pulled the headless horseman stunt but only the flaming pumpkin incident. The second time was not them. One of the boys tells her about watching Van Stotter burying his sack in the dirt, and under the watchful eye of the Sheriff it gets retrieved. Alas, it’s not Gwenyth Paltrow’s Greg Brady’s head, but the missing school money. Van Stotter tells them that he stole the money in order to pay for a private detective to investigate his daughter’s death. He was convinced that there was a man with her the night the car went into the lake, but he wasn’t able to find out who.

JB knows, though. Because Van Stotter wasn’t the only person left broken hearted when the girl died. There was someone else.



To be fair to him, he only worked out Findlay killed his girlfriend the night Findlay died, when he saw a necklace he made for his girlfriend around the neck of the bartender, Bobby. Then, when he cracked a tooth brawling with Dorian, the Doc decided to take advantage of Nate’s need for dental work and killed him, removing his head to cover up his dental work.

But never mind all that, because I’ve just had AN AMAZING IDEA. Instead of bringing back Murder She Wrote, bring back the Brady Bunch but for the modern audience – Mike gets cancer, and so to keep the family together Alice resorts to cooking meth in an RV. We could call it BREAKING BRADY.

You’re welcome, television.

Later, Fletcherfans!

Later, Fletcherfans!

S03E10 – Stage Struck


Don’t know where JB is this week Fletcherfans, but wherever it is has something called an Applewood Playhouse where two of her friends Julian Lord and Maggie Tarrow are reuniting for a revival of the play that got them famous back in the day, Apparently what got them more famous were the hotel rooms they trashed when they fought it out. The Applewood Playhouse, it turns out, was the place where Jessica met a bloke named Frank Fletcher. Nawww.

JB catches up with Maggie in her dressing room, in that Maggie talks at her for a while, opens her makeup case and completely freaks out. (This tallies with my experience with actors).

The calm before the storm (Fun fact: this is Julie Andrews's rival in The Sound Of Music)

The calm before the storm (Fun fact: this is Julie Andrews’ rival in The Sound Of Music)

She flounces out of the dressing room, yells at her former husband (twice former, I think), yells at her understudy and departs to yell at another actor, Larry Matthews, who was having a marvellous time making out with the stage manager Pru, whom Maggie accuses of being a bedspread. I’m not entirely sure what this means, but it sounds like a burn. Later, while Maggie and Larry are rehearsing Maggie loses her shit again, when a silhouette turns into a man. Not only a man, but a man who had previously been making snide remarks at Maggie and Julian’s press conference. Maggie’s understudy, Barbara Bennington, comes forward to announce that that’s no man that’s a space station it’s her fiance from New York. Except as they leave the stage he thanks her and tells her to make sure Maggie never finds out who he really is.


While Maggie regroups, the actor playing the butler (who also happens to be the Chief of Police) comes on to ask what his motivation is in this scene. “You’re a butler, chief. Your motivation is to buttle.” Says the director.

Disclosure: I judge people who don't like the movie Clue. (Image credit)

Disclosure: I judge people who don’t like the movie Clue. (Image credit)

Rehearsals continue, and then Maggie loses it again when a mysterious thing appears in the prop scrapbook she is reading, causing her to faint. They lay her down on the casting couch in her dressing room and she informs Julian that “It was…HIM!”

I’m not gonna lie, I think she’s a zombie now.

While Maggie recovers back at the hotel Jess investigates the scrapbook, which has suddenly reappeared, but it’s completely empty. Later that night, Julian has an argument with producer Nicky Saperstein and show director Alexander Preston but Nicky is convinced: the show must go on, with Barbara Bennington in the lead role. Julian declares that Barbara can perform in the show if Nicky wishes…but not with Julian! *cue door slam* A short time later, JB comes across Barbara leaving Julian’s dressing room saying “Believe me, I support your decision 100%” Isn’t that nice?

JB tells Julian that she’s worried someone is trying to frighten Maggie. Julian tells her that her imagination had been running a little wild lately, but before he can explain Alexander turns up to defend the decision to go on with Barbara, saying that Maggie had bailed on a production before and he was damned if she was going to do that to him again. Julian agrees to go on that night on the condition that Maggie resume her role the following evening.

The curtain goes up and the first act goes off without a hitch. Unfortunately the second act is cancelled when Barbara Bennington drops dead. Seems like a legit excuse, really. Fortunately, the chief of police is already on hand. Unfortunately, he’s decided that he can only solve the case if he pretends to be Poirot.

If you ever wondered what Poirot would sound like with an American accent, watch this episode.

If you ever wondered what Poirot would sound like with an American accent, watch this episode.

Our Heroine’s reaction to this new development is measured and appropriate.

It could be worse, really...

It could be worse, really…

JB follows him into Barbara’s dressing room and finds him having a panic attack. He asks her how his performance went – he doesn’t think he can perform the role of investigating this case as himself, only as Monsieur Poirot.

Fair question.

Fair question.

In light of the Chief’s tenuous grip on reality JB agrees to help him, and suggests they take samples of all the liquids around to see which was poisoned. The next morning, Jess visits Maggie at the hotel to find her even more rattled. She’s convinced that someone is trying to kill her and doesn’t want to return to the theatre but Julian convinces her.

JB runs into Alexander at the theatre and asks him what he meant the previous night about Maggie having run out on him before. He tells her that during the first run of the play thirty years ago Maggie begged out of her contract “to do a movie” and disappeared for about a year. JB points out that Maggie didn’t make her first movie until much later, and Alexander tells her that it was just an excuse to get out of the play.

While Nicky the theatre owner revels in his new-found notoriety, the Chief informs JB and Alexander that cyanide in the decanter of wine on the stage “was responsible for the death of our luckless thespianette.” (Thespianette apparently has about twelve syllables).   He decides that Julian is the guilty one, then changes his mind and decides Maggie is the guilty one, JB, showing infinite patience, tells him that he’s an idiot the clue to solving the case has something to do with the scrapbook that caused Maggie’s fit the previous day. Apparently no one agrees with her as  she is left to investigate the stage on her own, but is immediately distracted with memories of the first time she met Frank, all those years ago.

(For the record, she's listening to the voice of her dead husband explaining how to paint the sets. Basically, Ghost)

(For the record, she’s listening to the voice of her dead husband explaining how to paint the sets. Basically, Ghost)

JB’s walk down memory lane is interrupted by Larry and Pru having a bit of a makeout. Honestly, kids these days *shakes fist*

That night, the show goes off without a hitch…until the end of the first act when Julian smells cyanide in the wine again and knocks the glass out of Maggie’s hand with an outlandish flourish. Pru brings the curtain down and the accusations start flying.

Down at the police station, JB gives the chief a lesson in how to find evidence.

(One is called Amos and the other is Seth. #factsIjustmadeup)

(One is called Amos and the other is Seth. #factsIjustmadeup)

Back at the theatre, JB asks Maggie to come clean about why she thinks someone is trying to kill her. Maggie shows her the note left in her makeup case that reads 30 YEARS CAN’T’ CHANGE WHAT YOU DID TO ME. Subtle.  She refuses to give JB any more information. JB tries to get Julian to talk about the year Maggie disappeared, saying that nine months is close to a year. (Life Lesson #49)

“I’m sorry, but this is a scene in which I have no lines.” Says Julian, and walks off. For the record I will be stealing this line and using it to get out of conversations I don’t want to be a part of. Fair warning.

JB asks Alexander for Larry’s resume. to check his vital statistics but is interrupted by the Chief barreling with an arrest warrant. Apparently it’s clear that Alexander set the whole thing up to kill Maggie as revenge for walking out on the play thirty years ago. While JB explains to the Chief why the whole thing is preposterous Larry spots Barbara’s mysterious fake fiancée rifling through her dressing room and gives chase, bringing him down with an epic tackle.

The Chief decides to multi task and interrogate the man, Terry Holt, while dressing for the show. Terry admits to being an investigative reporter looking to do a story on Maggie and Julian. Barbara was an acquaintance looking to further her career by taking over for Maggie by freaking her out – notes in makeup cases, birth certificates in scrapbooks, that old chestnut. JB thinks that Maggie thought that Terry must have been her son, which is why she said “It was….HIM!” earlier on. She explains it all very clearly to the Chief, who promptly tries to arrest Terry for poisoning Barbara’s red wine in order to steal the birth certificate.

JB's patience is cracking.

JB’s patience is cracking.

Terry tells them that Barbara couldn’t have been poisoned by red wine as she was allergic. This gives Jess an idea.

That night, the show finally goes ahead without any attempted murders. While the cast celebrates, the Chief decides to have one last stab at arresting someone, this time arresting Terry for being the long lost illegitimate son of Maggie and Julian. Also a murderer.

Of course, he’s completely wrong. Fortunately JB is there to set things right.

I'll be honest, my care factor is not high.

I’ll be honest, my care factor is not high.

There you have it. It was all an attempt by Julian to be free of that role-grabbing little so-and-so Barbara. Actors, man. What are you going to do?

Later gang!

Later gang!

S03E09 – Obituary for a Dead Anchor


Back in the Cove at last Fletcherfans, where Our Heroine is being asked for an interview with Paula Roman, one of the co-hosts of a TV show called Scrutiny.  She is hesitant to do it, what with the shows tendency to railroad people, but Paula swears that it will simply be a down home chat. JB tells her that she will bring it up at the town meeting, and if everyone agrees then she can do the interview.

Naturally, all of Cabot Cove wants to get their face on the TV, but AMAZINGLY there is a problem almost immediately. At a Scrutiny editorial meeting in New York the show’s producer, Doug Helman announces that Paula is no longer on the story, he’s giving it to Kevin Keats, on account of he pissed off some drug kingpin and could probably do with a trip to the seaside.

Meanwhile, the entire town of Cabot Cove is tarting up in preparation for the arrival of the news crew. All except one cantankerous old doctor we all know, who was the sole dissenting vote and as a result had a sudden urge to go and visit his sister in a place far away from any news crew. Wylie, Seth’s friend and fellow doctor, is not convinced that having a feature done on Cabot Cove is the best idea but JB is sure that it will be harmless.

Until she gets home and finds a news crew trampling her roses,

Hell hath no fury like a gardener with trampled roses

Hell hath no fury like a gardener with trampled roses

Jess thinks she’s got problems? On a lonely road outside town Amos just saw a bald man get out of a helicopter and into a limo.

Poor Amos. Remember that time he tried to retire but his replacement turned out to be a serial killer? Poor guy.

Poor Amos. Remember that time he tried to retire but his replacement turned out to be a serial killer? Poor guy.

Jess and Kevin are walking down the street doing the interview, and Jess is being very nostalgic about her home and her life with Frank but NEVER MIND THAT BECAUSE AMOS JUST SAW A HELICOPTER AND A LIMO AND A BALD GUY.

Appropriate response.

Appropriate response.

Keith is unexpectedly concerned to hear the Sheriff’s story. He suspects said bald guy to be the strongman for the drug kingpin he recently did an expose on. He asks Amos for a boat so he can take off quietly once his interview with JB is over. Amos puffs right up and tells him he will take care of it personally. Back at the hotel that night Keith receives a phone call from a mysterious blonde lady who yells at him a bit, then Keith takes it out on his producer, Helman.

On the dock the next morning Keith goes to inspect the boat that Amos has helpfully found for him. Apparently the owner, Aubrey Dawkins, swears that the boat is yar. Life Lesson #48 – Yar means easy to handle. 

(At this point, I wandered off and muttered yarrrr for about 10 minutes while I made a cup of coffee. True story).

Amos tells Keith that so seriously did he take his boat acquisition mission, he even paid the $100 deposit Aubrey wanted for the boat. “Can’t thank you enough, Sheriff!” Says Keith.

Last time Amos does anything nice for anyone ever again.

Last time Amos does anything nice for anyone ever again.

Poor Amos. He turns to trudge away but spots the mystery bald man, who promptly legs it. Ruing the one that got away, Amos turns back to watch Keith’s journey out of the harbour, which is stalled when the boat blows up.



A crowd gathers, including a Scrutiny crew led by Paula Roman who has inexplicably turned up rather quickly from Nebraska to cover the death of her colleague. She and Jess return to the hotel to find Paula’s other co-anchor, Nick Brody. Paula admits, after some gentle Fletcher interrogation, that she didn’t fly up to Maine that morning, she flew up the previous night with Doug Helman, to continue her affair with Keith. How scandalous. Apparently his wife thought so, she rang him the night before he died to threaten him.

Cabot Cove is flooded with reporters, and no one likes it one bit. After the mayor blames Jess for everything she decides to take matters into her own hands and asks the hotel clerk for the number in California for Keith’s wife. It turns out she called from a hotel near Cabot Cove. DA DUM. Meanwhile, Amos points out the ugly bald man on old news footage to Brody and Paula, who confirm it is the henchman of Ross, the drug lord.

The now widowed Mrs Keats has very little to say on the subject of her late husband, but plenty to say on the subject of his assets. She swears, however, that she didn’t kill him. Jess gets a phone call from Doc Wylie, who asks her to confirm with Mrs Keats how many toes her husband had. Keith Keats having ten toes excludes him from being the mutilated corpse fished out of the harbour after the explosion.

Doc Wylie, who is possibly second to Our Heroine in the having a clue stakes, puts a call in to Doc Hazlitt to confirm that the mystery corpse is not any one from the cove. Having ruled out a local, they suspect the corpse is someone from out of town. Moreover, as JB points out, if the body isn’t Keith Keats, then where the bloody hell is Keith Keats?

The answer, it turns out, is holed up in a hotel room eating chips and watching the mayor of Cabot Cove get torn a new one by the snarling media pack. But I digress, because when JB goes back to inform Nick Brody and the rest of the crew that Keith Keats is still alive they are all speechless. Except, that is, for Paula Roman who barely bats an eyelid. JB notices this and pounces. Paula admits to her that he called her and JB orders her to tell him to come to her house to speak to the Sheriff to clear his name.

That night, Keith tells the Sheriff and JB the whole story. Keith and Doug contrived to have Keith moved onto the Cabot Cove piece so that he could go and interview a key witness in his drugs story who lived not far away. The plan, apparently, was to make everyone think Keith was out in the harbour fishing when actually he was away doing his journalistic business or whatnot. The arrival of the ugly bald man (why do they keep pointing out how ugly he is?) was a spanner in the works that meant they had to move their plans up by a lot.

And then Sheriff Amos Tupper has a brainwave. The bomb couldn’t have been set by the ugly bald man. Keats and Helman didn’t know what boat they would be taking until 8 o’clock that night, and they were the only two people who knew about the plan, apart from Amos. Therefore, the murderer was someone else…like Kevin Keats!

He asks Our Heroine if she’s got a problem with any of that to which she replies “Actually Amos…..I haven’t.”

Again, appropriate response.

Again, appropriate response.

Paula Roman refuses to believe it, but Amos has a point – either Doug set the bomb to blow himself up, or Keats did it for him.

While Keith Keats cools his heels in a cell, JB goes to see the now not-widowed Mrs Keats, to ask her if Keats had been hiding out with her. Her derisive snorts suggests not. She firmly believes he’s guilty, FYI – apparently there had been some top secret audience market research conducted and she thought Keith was about to be shown the door.

Smelling a lead, JB goes to see the vice president in charge of news, someone-or-other Abbott (ew) who tells her that due to falling ratings there had indeed been a survey conducted, and that he had not discussed it with Doug Helman in front of the three anchors due to potential personnel changes that were about to take place. JB asks him where he was the night the bomb was planted and he tells her he was having dinner with a man from another network, hoping to desert the sinking ship that is Scrutiny. On reflection that’s probably not the best way of putting it. *cough*

While playing chess with Wylie (not code), JB has a brainwave about how someone could have been eavesdropping on Keats and Helman’s plan to fool everyone. A very specific someone, who was about to lose their job if Helman had his way…

Oh yeah, that guy.

Oh yeah, that guy.

And so it was. And so it will be. More to the point, despite the fact that there was a drug lord in this story I haven’t made a single reference. The meth Breaking Bad must be wearing off. Maybe.

Seriously, no Breaking Bad references? The hell is wrong with me?)

Seriously, no Breaking Bad references? The hell is wrong with me?)

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