Tonight on Murder She Wrote is back! I don’t know why it left! Also, this episode was really dumb and I decided to have a shot everytime someone was drinking in this episode because my work Christmas party is tonight and I thought it would be a good idea.

In any case, JB is back in Ireland to catch up with old mate Tom Dempsey and his wife Kate, who are the new owners of a fishing lodge in Cork. Tom’s a bit stressed out fighting a mining company that wants to set up in the valley and after a meeting with mine employee Walter Ickes and Councilman Harold Early Tom tells them both to shove their offers to subsidise the lodge. Lodge employee Dennis McSorley is taking the side of the mine, telling Tom that it’s the future of Ireland which is nonsense because this is the future of Ireland:

Not even kidding I was in a glitter coma for a week after the 2011 Eurovision final it was glorious. Don’t hate, celebrate.

Anyway, Walter’s not happy with the discussion and thinks Tom needs to be dealt with, which worries Harold because he’s heard stories of a politician standing up to the mine in Colorado being killed/maimed/somethinged, but Walter tells him it was an accident don’t worry about it.

Tom goes to pick Jess up from the train station and fills her in on all the mine news. Apparently, the fishing lodge is under a bit of pressure which isn’t helping. They nearly hit a passing hobo strolling down the road, and I call shenanigans.

That’s a mask, I’m calling it now.

Back at the lodge, Dennis hits on one of the kitchen staff whose name I think might be Bridget while bignoteing how involved he is with the mine. Jessica gets settled into the lodge while Tom chats with someone called Seamus about the random hobo they saw strolling along the road – Tom is convinced he’s a mine spy.

Cut to dinner that night in the lodge dining room, and if you’re playing at home, take a drink (I’ve got Sailor Jerry’s and ginger ale, it’s officially summer now). There’s some talk about what fly is best to catch salmon and I immediately started watching Eurovision videos again because URGH.

(If you are unfamiliar with The Drinking Song by Jason Webley you should get acquainted)

The main instigator of this fish talk is Cyril Ruddy, while his wife Nellie just sits back and drinks (fair). There’s also Freddie Layton and his girlfriend Laura Maples. Freddy gets a phone call and wanders off leaving JB to chat with Edward Pryce who is in town not to fish but to look for a poinciana. Everyone staying at this lodge is boring, they are clearly struggling for guests.

Whatever Freddie’s phone call is about it’s not good news for him because there’s something in the USA Today about him. Meanwhile, Bridget’s friend Shana tells her off for not telling Dennis she’s pregnant. Back in the dining room, Edward decides to pop into town and Nellie decides to get a lift with him. JB spots the book Edward is holding and begs to borrow it after he’s done. Edward acts very oddly but promises to lend it to her after tomorrow.

Down at the pub – #DRINK – Walter and Harold conspire over darts, and not even kidding I just had to go look their names up again. Bridget and Shana, who have apparently knocked off work, wander in for a drink. Seamus and Dennis are there too, and Seamus wants to talk about how Dennis is all tied in with the mining crew but Seamus just blathers on about the future of Ireland again (see previous thoughts on this, which are still true). Edward and Nellie make plans to meet by the riverbank the next morning, while Freddie drinks quietly in the corner.

The next morning Jessica demolishes a breakfast while Cyril Ruddy heads off to fly fish with Tom’s prized fly which is apparently called the Black Mariah I’m not even kidding I’m boring myself writing this. Jess comes across Edward fiddling with a painting and he outs himself as a compulsive picture straightener. Sure, buddy. Tom takes Jess down to the legally-required-to-appear-and-naturally-haunted ruins, where they throw pennies in the well and make wishes.

In other news…

The distinct lack of people is a significant selling point. And it has its own waterfall!

Down by the river, Freddie decides he needs to make a phone call and bails on the fishing. Seamus tries to help Cyril catch a fish but Cyril knows exactly what he’s doing and isn’t taking orders from anyone, while the mystery hobo loiters behind a tree.

Further along the riverbank, Edward is setting up for his picnic with Nellie when he gets clobbered over the head with a rock. This fact appears to go unnoticed for a while, as later that night Tom orders a toast to celebrate Cyril catching the first big fish in a few weeks. (#DRINK). Kate finally asks where Edward and Freddie are, and Laura says Freddie had an errand in Cork and borrowed the car, and then Bridget pops up to say that Edward left a note on the kitchen noticeboard not to expect him for dinner. Jess says when she saw him heading off for his walk that morning he had a picnic enough for an army. This causes Cyril and Nellie to give each other a Look. And then I discovered Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 posted the baby monkey on the pig video and I kind of wandered off for a while.

Festivities concluded, Cyril and Nellie wander off. Cyril wants to know how the picnic went but Nellie tells him Edward never showed. They spot Jessica and Laura perusing the bookshelves and quickly walk off. Jessica asks Laura if she’s found anything good to read, and Laura says she’s not sure, it’s a treatise on the effects of something something on demasculinised female salmon.

“Well I thought that was a major operation,” says Jessica. “Do you suppose they sew a wee Irish vest and pants for the wee fishy?”

THAT IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE.

BACK THE TRUCK UP WALLY. What the hell even is this? Jessica is literally smarter than everyone she comes into contact with, why is she making weird jokes about transgender salmon? The writers are literally phoning it in at this point.

Anyway, back down the pub that night (#DRINK) the hobo has a quiet pint of Guinness while Walter and Harold bribe Dennis to spy on Tom. He takes the envelope full of cash and bolts. Walter nods in the hobo’s direction, who nods back.

Speaking of Tom, on his way home he has car trouble and ends up going into a ditch. He swears the car has only just been fixed, and it’s a blatant attempt on his life. Sergeant Terence Boyle (previously seen in A Killing In Cork), says he’ll look into it but that Tom needs to lay off slandering Harold all over the place.

Morning rolls around and Jess decides to take some snaps down at the ruin, which I swear to Beyonce looks like the ruin from The Wind Around The Tower episode. She runs into Laura who is a bit sad, she thought they’d come to Ireland so Freddie could propose. Jess suggests making a wish so Laura chucks a penny down the well.

Back at the lodge, Tom confronts Dennis about being caught up in the whole mine thing with Walter and Harold and Dennis storms off. Kate announces Edward still hasn’t turned up and has enlisted Sergeant Boyle to help locate him. Meanwhile, Laura shows JB her photos and Jess spots one from the day before where Edward is setting up for his picnic and the hobo is lurking in the trees.

A search of the riverbank finds the discarded picnic set and a bloodied rock, but no sign of Edward. It’s not till later that night, when Boyle is having a coffee and Shana is vaguely flirting with him, that JB has a thought.

I MEAN COME ON.

Ding ding ding. I’ve got nothing.

But in any rate, Edward’s body is down the well. They hoist him out as Jess explains there were three dings when she made her wish with Tom, but only two when she made her wish with Laura. Boyle takes charge and interviews everyone – Freddie asks him not to contact his company if he can avoid it. Harold turns up and he and Tom accuse each other of basically everything before Boyle tells them both to calm down.

Boyle runs into Jessica as he departs and asks her what she knows. Jess says Edward claimed to be an English teacher and an amateur botanist but he incorrectly attributed a famous Hamlet speech to Polonius and was on the hunt for a poinciana, a tree native to the tropics.

Down the pub (#DRINK) Nellie delivers some actual relationship advice to Laura and departs so that she and Freddie can have it out. Freddie admits that the reason he’s been so secretive is that someone has embezzled money from his company and he is being accused of it because he left the country. Laura doesn’t mind that, they’ll go back to America and sort it out. GOD THIS EPISODE IS BORING.

Laura and Freddie come home a bit pissed but soon sober up when they see Boyle. He has a few questions for Freddie down the police station, but he’s not under arrest. Word on the street is that a private investigator hired by the mining company hasn’t been heard of for a couple of days – possibly Freddie thought the PI was after him? After he leaves with the police, Jessica looks at Laura’s photos again and decides there’s something odd going on. Meanwhile, Dennis and Bridget are on a boat (because of course they are) – Bridget tells Dennis she’s pregnant and Dennis tells her about his side hustle with the mining company which Bridget very much doesn’t approve of.

Oh! This rum is finally starting to kick in! I think it’s too late for me to not be thunderously irritated by this episode though.

The next morning Jessica stumbles across Kate straightening a picture and has a Brainwave. Sure enough, Edward’s missing book is stashed behind the painting – it turns out to be an expense ledger of his movements since he left Colorado. Jess asks Tom to pass the ledger along to Boyle, it will help to clear Freddie.

Down the pub that night (#DRINK) Dennis decides to chuck Harold and Walter’s offer in their faces literally. He’s for Ireland, but not at the price they’re asking. SUCK IT MINING GUYS.

Jessica puts a call into a friend in London, regarding the Shropshire theatre company. Whatever he tells her is what she wants to hear, and she joins everyone in the dining room, but not before taking Edwards notice off the board. The Ruddy’s are about to depart, but they’ve time to chat about the murder. Tom announces Jess doesn’t think Freddie did it, but Jessica says she doesn’t know who it was. She thinks the evidence will be found at the ruins though. Behind a door, Seamus calls Walter down the pub (#DRINK) who tells him to do whatever he has to.

That night, Tom finds JB down at the ruins looking for something. She explains Edward had a fishing fly on him when he was found, she thinks it was transferred from the killer.

Sure enough…

Told you it was a woman in that mask. I’ve not watched Scooby Doo for nothing.

But of course, it wasn’t just Nellie.

But of course.

Edward, it turns out, was an Interpol agent on the hunt for the two assassins who killed the politician who went against the mine in Colorado, which should interest me way more than it does. Anyway, Seamus was calling the police, not Walter. Presumably, it was Nellie or Cyril (real name Edward Montgomery) who called Walter.

You know what, I don’t even care. This episode is done, JB is almighty, thank you next. (Topical reference FTW)

Cheers Fletcherfans!