It’s a cold and dreary day in New York, probably and Jess has just popped into an art gallery to do a spot of shopping when she bumps into former Cabot Cove resident and current lottery winner Kim Mitchell aka Loretta Swit.

The *other* Queen of Cabot Cove

Kim immediately invites Jessica to lunch with herself and her stepbrother Mark but JB has to pop by the copy place first, her printer is on the fritz.

Over lunch, JB chats to Kim, Mark, and Mark’s gold-digging girlfriend Teddy Grace (who the hell calls their child Teddy?). Mark has been living off Kim’s money for a while but wants to try and go to college, but Teddy is in it for the cash dollar. When Mark tells Kim he’s thinking of getting his own place, Teddy chimes in with how they found a delightful little place that only wanted $50K up front. Mark gives her a look and says he was planning to rent.

It’s fruit salad, it’s fine.

Kim reveals that she’s found it difficult to trust anyone of the romantic male variety since she got cashed up, but that she’s met a delightful stockbroker named Bert Lown who refuses to take her on as a client. She’s very much in love.

Doomed. #Cynic

Kim goes home to get back to work on her newest sculpture which Bert calls a triumph. He’s had no luck finding Mark a job but he’ll keep looking. Meanwhile, Kim is also heavily involved in a charity art auction to benefit a school and has roped Jess into donating. Jess calls the gallery to let the owner, Philip Jovet know what she will be donating but he doesn’t seem terribly excited.

JB has no time for ingratitude.

Back at Kim’s fancy digs, Kim, Mark, Teddy and Bert are all toasting to the success of the auction with the school principal, Dr Swope. Philip Jovet pops around with a painting for Kim (a gift, after she accused him of ripping her off on another deal), and suggests they speak the following week about Kim exhibiting at his gallery. Mark thinks Philip is a scam artist and Bert has his own reservations. Teddy is just gobbling canapes like it’s a wedding.

Except I will be installed near the entrance so I can swoop on the canapes as they arrive.

The next day JB drops the painting off at the gallery to a frankly tepid response from Philip. Another art collector, Sondra Arthur, donates a painting she bought from Philip 5 years earlier and jokes to JB that this way she can call it a tax write-off.

Kim’s…I don’t know, maid? Frances brings a sculpture to donate to the auction. Side note, she looks so much like Catherine O’Hara that I no longer know what is real.

Wait, is it even Catherine O’Hara I’m thinking of?

That night, the auction to benefit the kids of the Willow Gardens School gets underway with a presentation from Doctor Swoop and a thank you to Kim Mitchell for her already generous donation. JB’s lobster still life is up first, and despite Philip’s snobbery sells for $1000.

And in my case, everything means canape acquisition

Dr Swoop busts a move on Sondra while the next piece, Kim Mitchell’s sculpture, is snapped up by Bert for $500. Confusion reigns when the next piece is not the painting Sondra Arthur donated. Philip says they’ll sort it out later and smoothly moves on to the next piece, which Teddy drunkenly bids $2500 on, saying Kim can pay for it. Philip spots her in the crowd and quickly declares the painting sold.

Champagne in one hand, canape in the other…the only difference is she’s at an auction and I’m on eBay randomly buying shoe racks (this is a true story)

After the auction concludes, Mark tries to get Teddy to leave but Philip spots him and insists on payment. Mark insists Philip get his hands off Mark, and to stay away from his sister.

A scuffle ensues.

But I have no interest in other peoples money. I barely have an interest in my own, which is partially the problem.

Mark is escorted out by security, followed by Teddy (but not before she loads up on more canapes. Teddy’s got canape game and I respect it). Bert, Jess and Dr Swoop reassure Kim, and Bert says he’ll pay for Teddy’s gaffe.

After the gallery closes, Philip tells Dr Swoop that they raised $220K. Dr Swoop calculates the gallery commission to be 10% but Philip informs him it’s now 50% – he’s made some phone calls, but he hasn’t made one to the police. Yet.

Back at House Mitchell, Teddy is set to watch the basketball but Mark decides to go out and get the late papers to get a jump on the job applications. Teddy chucks a tantrum and tells Mark not to expect her there when he gets back.  Frances arrives home just as the pair of them storm out. Meanwhile. Philip reassures Sondra over the phone about the loss of her painting and says the police will be in touch. He’s about to call it a night when he gets another call, and while he’s expecting it to be someone called Reynolds, this time it’s JB. She left a manuscript in his cloakroom.

Philip tells her they found it and just asking when JB can come and pick it up when someone comes up behind him and stabs him to death with Kim Mitchell’s sculpture. Something something deadly art….nope, I’ve got nothing.

The next day, JB is summoned to the gallery by Artie Gelber who declares JB to be his leading ear-witness.

Nice one Stan.

Artie is convinced the murder was a robbery gone wrong, but Jess doesn’t think so – there’s plenty of expensive portable art kicking around and none of that was taken. Lieutenant Henderson pops up to tell them that there were no signs of forced entry, but that there was a painting taken earlier in the day. Artie can make head nor tail of it, and to make matters worse he was pickpocketed coming in. To make them even worse, Henderson thinks they won the lottery but of course the ticket is in Artie’s wallet.

Across town, Dr Swoop continues his moves on Sondra Arthur, while Kim Mitchell struggles to make sense of it all. Artie arrives to ask Jess why she never told him about Mark tussling with Philip. She apologises but didn’t think it was relevant. Bert tells Artie there must have been a long list of people wanting to whack Philip, he had the reputation of a pickpocket.

Poor Artie

Mark has an excuse for why his fingerprints are on the murder weapon but no alibi for the time of the murder. When he’s caught out in a lie about having dinner with Teddy, he tells them he went to see Philip to get Bert’s cheque back but that Philip wasn’t having it. Mark got angry and left. Artie asks him if he killed Philip and Mark just walks away.

Down at the precinct Teddy apologises for fouling up Mark’s alibi but gets annoyed when Kim wants to know where she was at the time of the murder. “Did you just fall out of a tree?” Squawks Teddy.

My favourite type

JB notices Bert’s name in a copy of the Wall Street Journal that Teddy had. Kim figures Bert was giving her stock tips, which he later confirms. Over at the precinct, Artie is copping a bollocking from his wife who was just dragged by store security at Bloomingdales for using a credit card Artie thought was in his wallet and cancelled.

Over at Kim’s JB is about to say goodbye when Artie and Mark turn up. The good news is Mark’s off the hook, they found witnesses to him leaving the gallery. The bad news is that they’ve just discovered Philip spent a holiday in Bar Harbour with someone with the initials KM.

Busted.

Bert frowns and says it changes nothing, they were together all evening eating dinner at Grand Central Station. Kim admits to going to the gallery to try and sort things out but the gallery was locked. Artie shrugs and says he knows she was given a key by Philip after their holiday.

Back down at the precinct, Henderson wants an update on his lottery ticket but JB wants an update on the missing painting. Artie has nothing on both. JB wonders if the Reynolds that was noted on Philips planner and mentioned on the phone wasn’t an artist agent but a law agent. Artie thinks it’s worth investigating and calls the FBI who confirm Reynolds is in their fugitive division (side note, there’s only one Reynolds in the FBI?)

Unfortunately, he doesn’t know why Philip called him, he just received a message that Philip wanted to talk.  Artis is now officially more confused than ever. JB still thinks there’s something up with the missing painting and goes to see Sondra who tells her she bought it on Philip’s recommendation for $50K but that it was only worth five grand now. She would get her money back through insurance, so she’s not upset to lose the painting but she is upset not to have contributed to the auction so she’s mailing a cheque to the school. She shows JB the newsletter they gave out at the auction and JB realises Dr Swoop might not be all he says he is. A quick call to Willow Gardens School confirms it – Dr Swoop is a goddamn liar.

Jess wanders over to the offices of Bert Lown and Associates and is surprised to see the name being taken off the door. The super tells her the offices are just short-term rentals, and the office is so small the associates must have been working on margins. Get it? Because stockbrokers?

One does not simply Horatio Kane.

JB calls Artie and fills him in and he says he’s on it – but first, he just needs to go deal with the pickpocket who just waltzed into the lottery office to claim his millions. He arrives at the hotel Lown and the fake Doctor are staying at just as they are walking out the door with their money. But JB doesn’t think they killed Philip, and a stray comment from Artie jogs her memory…

I don’t know what I mean anymore. I need coffee.

Frances, it turns out, is the subject of the missing painting, and is also a convicted felon on the run for murder, and bumped off Philip because he recognised her.

And in the end, Kim’s got a one-woman show in San Francisco to put together, Mark has dumped Teddy for a college degree, and – after discovering Artie’s wallet down the back of his chair –  Artie and Henderson are not millionaires after all.

All is right with the world again.

Later gang!

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