With a title like that, you know there’s going to be DRAMAH OH SAH DRAMAH.

It’s a dark and stormy night (obviously) JB is back in the Cove (Huzzah!) where fellow author and occasional Cabot Cove visitor Sibella Stone is reading from her latest book while smugglers are smuggling because that is literally what coves are for (see also, every Famous Five book ever).

I think JB is just about done with everything.

Sibella’s husband Derek Hartman turns up late and full of apology to pick up his wife and her assistant, Marian King. Derek has just secured a hot new manuscript from some random housewife in Oklahoma. Sibella insists JB pop round for a cup of tea and to check out ye olde journals Sibella found in the house she’s renting.

After they leave, Jessica finds Sibella’s purse and runs out to return it, only to find Marian and Derek having a pash on at the car.

Inconspicuous A F.

The next day Seth is barrelling down the main street of Cabot Cove when he crashes into Colin Burnham and Valerie Hartman. Colin is a dick and Valerie isn’t that much better to be honest, which of course gets Seth’s back up (although he did just also drop his dry cleaning in a puddle).

Angry Seth is Angry.

Valerie tells Seth to get his dry-cleaning redone and to charge it to her step-mother Sibella’s account. As she and Colin cruise off, leaving Seth huffing to himself, someone called Munro watches them leave before being summoned back inside the cafe where he works by someone called Sue. Facts.

JB takes the Fletchmobile to the lighthouse where Sibella and her crew are staying (YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT TO STAY IN A LIGHTHOUSE) and runs into handyman (and wouldn’t you know it, local smuggler) Phil Coyle, who warns JB the step is broken and also Sibella should just leave the house is falling down around them.

Jess smiles politely and flees inside to return Sibella’s purse. Far from packing to leave Sibella has decided to stay until the end of the week to finish her book, and then take a well-earned three week holiday to Montego Bay with Derek. She suggests they take the journals she found outside to peruse.

Preach.

Their reading is interrupted by Valerie storming out, furious that the INS is threatening to deport Colin for crimes against hairstyles. Sibella has a friend in Washington but she has no intention of calling him, telling Valerie if she’s thinking of doing anything more serious with that Picadilly Prima Donna (lol) they will cut her money off. Valerie storms off again and Sibella reminds Jess that she is hosting a dinner on Thursday and Jess must come.

Thursday rolls around and Marian drops some more journals off for JB to read. She is also in the market for some writing advice, she only knows JB and Sibella and Sibella seems miserable. JB tells Marian that if she wants to become a writer she just should get out there and do it.

That night, while Marian and Derek steal more kisses while no one is looking, Colin asks Sibella for help with his visa problem, only for Sibella to tell him she will only help if Colin leaves Valerie alone. Colin says nothing doing, and Sibella tells him she didn’t realise he had a choice. Outside, Sibella runs into Phil the handyman, ‘working late’. He tells her his work is never done and she sashays away down to the beach, while that Munro bloke appears out of nowhere and loiters around. JB and a very reluctant Seth, heading to the party, spotlights flashing in the harbour. Jess thinks it’s some sort of signal but before she can work out what, they stop.

Sibella heads to the boathouse, for reasons unknown, and falls through a rotten floorboard into the water. Her foot gets trapped between two rocks, and her screams for help go unheard, while the water rises. Told you! Drama! Inside, Seth makes his views on being at the party abundantly clear, while Colin does what he does best and talks about Colin. Seth mutters to JB that it’s been 40 minutes and there’s no sign of their host, when Marian appears with a note she found upstairs saying ‘Boathouse 7pm’.  Jess says that was over an hour ago, and they rush to the boathouse to find the water up to Sibella’s neck. Derek dives in and pulls her foot free, and Seth heaves her out of the water with some rope which is a fair effort really.

Sibella takes to her bed to recover, telling them that she was down at the boathouse to get some more journals she’d found for Jess to look at. They ask her about the note, and she tells them she’d left it for herself the previous night to meet with Phil Coyle to discuss the renovations.

Party over, Marian pays the caterers and has a run-in with Colin, who threatens to tell Sibella about her little something something with Derek, to which she says be my guest (not the answer he was expecting). Meanwhile, JB and Seth are heading home, Seth furious that JB had left him alone with them. She tells him she went to investigate the boathouse and not only were there no journals down there, the floorboards Sibella had fallen through had been cut, not rotten. They narrowly avoid crashing into Phil Coyle as he jets off into the night in his truck.

Later that night, a cloaked figure stands on the deck, gets clocked around the head and falls down to the beach below. The body is discovered by Munro the Random Guy while he’s out on a morning stroll, and as he explains to Mort as soon as he saw the body he ran for a phone. He doesn’t know who it is, but he’s seen that writer woman wearing a cloak like that one.  Mort freaks out and asks if he means Jessica Fletcher, but Munro says no, he thinks her last name is stone. Deputy Andy rolls the body over and EGAD YOU GUYS it’s not Sibella, it’s Marian the assistant.

Mort goes up to the lighthouse to inform everyone what’s happened, and JB pops in a short time later. She mentions the lights to Mort and Sibella mentions she’s seen them too, when she’s been walking along the bluff before bed. Mort asks if Sibella owns a grey cloack, and when she says yes asks fi Marian had one similar but Sibella says she thinks not. She’s horrified when they explain to her that this probably means that she was the intended victim, not Marian.

Down at the cafe Sue wants to know why Munro was anywhere near the beach to discover the body, and just how he is connected to the family but he’s giving away nothing.

Back at the house, JB wants answers and Mort is trying to catch up. Sibella comes clean about the note, saying that she’s been receiving death threats in the mail over several weeks, and that one was the latest. She thinks they are from her real first husband, not the fictitious count she’s been putting about.

As Jess goes to leave she runs into Derek and passes on her condolences abour Marian. Derek says she knows how to cut to the chase.

Indeed

Derek tells her the affair was only about him being in denial about his age (#cliche) while he thinks it was more serious for Marian.

Down in town Munro is on the phone telling someone it wasn’t supposed to include murder, while Valerie begs her father to help stop Colin’s deportation, whilst at the same time wishing it had been Sibella who got whacked, not Marian. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Mort has taken it upon himself to arrest Phil Coyle, rather aggressively.

Coyle, it turns out, has been smuggling ivory from Canada which seems both elaborate and specific. Mort throws him under arrest and thinks its a matter of time before he adds murder to the list of charges.

Down at the cafe Mort brags about his recent victory to Seth, but is deflated when Jess pops in and tells him he’s probably wrong, definitely wrong when she sees some writing on the whiteboard.

This episode is a whole new level of ridiculous. Let me cut to the chase.

I MEAN COME ON NOW.

To cut an incredibly long story short, Sibella was nailing Munro and instead of divorcing Derek for cheating on her she decided to bump Marian off, and was going to bump off Derek but she got busted. Also JB worked it out because Munro was the writer of the notes and he spells mince MINZE and also Marian was the hot new author Derek signed and for the life of me I have no idea what’s going on, how did Mort know Phil was smuggling?

I don’t. I just don’t. So let us leave Season 9 with Seth dropping an allegedly funny line about Munro needing spelling lessons and go google lighthouses to stay at.

Later Fletcherfans!