So I know everything in the world is pretty much going to hell right now (and I hope that if you’re in the path of those hurricanes in America that you stay safe!) but here’s the thing.

Remember that time I tried to write about an episode but Richmond was playing and it all went terribly wrong?  Well, Friday night it all went terribly right and now Richmond is one game away from the Grand Final which is like the Superbowl but is less glamorous but very drunker. There is also a theory around town that Richmond winning the grand final will signal the final apocalypse, which I know would be bad but technically a Richmond grand final is the only thing left on my bucket list so I mean really…

(I kid. I don’t want the world to end. There are far too many tasty foods to be eaten).

What I mean is, the blog may or may not be sporadic the next couple of weeks while I have a complete emotional breakdown re: football. As it is I have no voice and not much hearing. But for now, onwards!

This week is kicking off in AmesterDAYUM (shout out to all the fans of Belinda Blinked), where a flight attendant is delivering diamonds to a cheerful old guy, before cutting to the Big Apple where JB has somewhat optimistically given her kitchen over to her old friend from Cabot Cove, Susan Wells, who is planning to pitch a cookbook to Jessica’s publisher through a festive dinner party.  Ingredients are in fact currently being delivered by the world’s greatest delivery boy.

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT HIM.

I adore Neil Patrick Harris. I’m just going to come right out and say it. His Halloween family photos are amazing, I’m still devastated I missed out on tickets for Hedwig when I was in NYC, and this whole thing remains one of my favourite uses of Internet ever. Also, Dr Horrible.

Anyway, Tommy Patrick Harris Remsen drops off some more groceries for Susan and a new story for JB to read before charming both of them and heading off. Back at the grocery store he runs into the flight attendant, whose name is apparently Monica, and gets to work charming her before his boss Ben pops in to tell him he forgot the bay leaves for Jessica’s order, but now there are other things and to stop flirting with the customers.  Tommy rushes off, leaving Ben to explain to Monica that she needs to pay her grocery tab or he’s going to have to cut her off.

Monica heads home to her apartment, where her landlord/bookie Vic is delighted to see her, mainly because it would appear he owes him money too. She tries to get him to take a bet for her but he refuses until she pays what she owes. Inside her apartment, she finds her neighbour Sandy watering her plants and babbling about how crazy Monica’s social life is. Monica begs for some quiet and Sandy cracks it and storms off, leaving Monica to call her boss and let them know about the money diamonds situation.

While Tommy is getting chewed out by his swim-coach Dad for spending too much time writing stories and chasing girls and not enough time doing laps, Monica gives the money she got from Amerstdam to her boss Fred Turner, and tells him she wants out, but he’s not having a bar of it. He tells her she can quit when he tells her she can quit and leaves. He puts a call in to his boss and confirms that Monica has been skimming money.

Back at House Fletcher the banquet preparation is going…well it’s going.  Susan loses her mind at the idea of no chanterelle mushrooms (blerch, mushrooms are the tool of Satan), and so to placate her JB calls old mate Joe at the grocery. He tells Tommy to take some around to JB’s AFTER he gets a cheque from Monica, who managed to skip out of the store with a six pack and a smile, nice one Tommy.

Tommy cruises on over to Monica’s building inexplicably goes into the laundry room and finds Monica dead with Fred standing over her. A shot is fired and Tommy wisely legs it out of there and goes to tell Jessica what happened, losing his hat in the process. She calls the police and they meet them at Monica’s building where it turns out, there is no body to be found. And by no body, I..you know what I mean. Lieutenant Warren is inclined to think that the only crime that’s happened is lying to a police officer, but JB isn’t so sure, so they cruise on up to Monica’s apartment to see if she’s there. Instead, they find Vic fixing a tap and swearing Monica only stepped out about ten minutes earlier.

Just because.

The lieutenant and his sidekick Detective Flowers scold Tommy for wasting their time and Tommy rushes off. Warren admits to Flowers that Tommy might have seen something, and to keep trying to call Monica. Also, that other precinct was totally right about Jessica Fletcher.

Tommy heads home, not seeing Fred Turner standing on the corner. Fred sees him though and starts to follow. Back at Monica’s apartment, Vic is on the hunt for Monica but Sandy tells him she hasn’t seen her, also she’s making brisket, Vic’s favourite, is he still coming around? Vic says he’ll let her know. Over at House Fletcher, Susan thinks Tommy made the whole thing up to cover up dropping the box of groceries, but Jess is more interested in inviting more people to dinner.

Tommy’s Dad decides to issue a 50 lap penalty for lying to the police and seems surprised when Tommy runs off. Tommy sees Fred again and hightails it out of there, leaving a very confused Tommy’s Dad looking at Fred and wondering just what the hell is going on.

That night, Susan is having a meltdown about the sugar for the creme brulee when Jessica discovers an important clue in the sugar bag.

Guys, Susan is a hot mess right now. She needs a valium and a lie down.

Jess alerts the authorities immediately, but they remain unconcerned, despite Flowers not being able to get hold of Monica. Warren also tells JB that Tommy has gone AWOL.

Jessica goes to see Tommy’s father, who initially doesn’t want to to talk to the lady who is messing with his son’s swimming career, but is worried when he hears about the bullet and tells her about Tommy running away from Fred. Jess heads back over to Monica’s apartment where Sandy is in no way appearing to be a creepy neighbour, she’s totally fine. She just loves to talk about what an exciting life Monica leads.

Now imagine Sandy and Susan just kicking back with a cup of tea. Imagine that conversation. Now relish the fact that you aren’t a part of it.

Inside Monica’s apartment is a mess. Sandy is starting to worry that all is not well with her shiny neighbour. Jess finds an over watered plant and a betting slip from Vic, so she goes to chat with him about it.

Also Vic admits that he hadn’t seen Monica when he said he had, he was looking for money in her apartment. Vic takes her down to the storage room where they find Monica’s bag and a one way ticket to Geneva.  Vic is furious but Jess is worried that there might be someone else who is furious.

Down at the precinct Warren accepts JB’s news about the bag and reports that Monica’s body has turned up in the Hudson, strangled to death. He was two theories about the murder – either Tommy did it when Monica rebuffed his advances (*coughs* Gone Girl *coughs*) or there was a second person in the room when Tommy walked in and they were the person who shot at Tommy. Jess thinks the second option is far more likely, and Warren is inclined to agree. Noone wants to think of an All American kid, peering out from under his baseball cap with those big blue eyes as being capable of murder.

Alright calm down Warren.

Back at home, Jess decides to read Tommy’s new short story, which Susan helpfully spoils by revealing the ending.

#NotAllSusans

Susan’s given JB an idea about where Tommy might be hiding, so she calls Lieutenant Warren and Tommy’s Dad and they head over to the school. Tommy’s Dad lets JB in to the school, where they find the pool room door clearly broken into. A chivalrous Tommy’s Dad (I could look it up but I don’t want to) insists he go in first, JB following close behind. There’s a body in the pool but it’s not Tommy, it’s Fred. Lieutenant Warren orders Flowers to get forensics on the case, and then follows Tommy’s Dad and JB up into the storage room.

And of course, guess who?

Barney Stinson. I barely got to see much of HIMYM but I loved what I did see.

While Tommy reunites with his father, Warren wanders off and returns balancing a gun on a pen. Tommy swears he’s never seen it before, but according to Warren it’s been recently fired so for now Tommy is going into protective custody because either Fred’s killer/accomplice is still out there, or…

Accurate.

Down at the precinct through, Warren changes his mind. All the forensics and ballistics and callisthenics all point towards Tommy as being the killer of both Fred and Monica. Tommy’s dad is shattered, but JB isn’t having a bar of it. Warren assures him this is all hard on him too.

Back at House Fletcher JB is helping with the final preparations for the dinner party, to whit helping put some salmon mousse on a plate.

Whatever Susan, my Mum’s is better (we have it every Christmas)

Suddenly the overflowing sink gives her an idea, and she arranges to meet Lieutenant Warren over at Monica’s house. She explains she worked out why Monica’s place had been broken into, and what they were looking for. She pulls out a bag of diamonds from the pot plant. And by they she means Fred Turner and his partner.

#notallcops

Not only did JB figure it out, but she had a little help from Detective Flowers too. Turns out, it was all about the money.

But never mind that because

SUSAN! STOP!

I have no voice and I can barely hear. It’s going to be a fun September!

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