Disclaimer: I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as I wanted to.  I kind of got bored. And I kind of got distracted. And then I started drawing snakes. If you value your life I would check in again next week. 

JB is on the road again, except by road I mean sky – she’s off to London on a well deserved vacation. Naturally she’s flying first class, and her fellow first-classians are a bit of an odd bunch.

Exhibit A, Sonny Greer:

I DID NOT EVEN RECOGNISE HER

I DID NOT EVEN RECOGNISE HER

Captain Janeway Sonny Greer is on her way to London with her bodyguard/boytoy Leon the professional, and is carrying a buttload of diamonds to celebrate. In the first class departure terminal she bumps into her friend Dr Cliff Strayhorne, travelling to London to perform plastic surgery on Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom. (Not her real name. Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom is actually my alias. I begged to be introduced as such at my brother’s wedding in August but it was denied.)

After a run-in with a paparazzo Sonny also literally bumps into Our Heroine who was minding her own business and eating prawn puffs. She is rescued by Scotland Yard detective Errol Pogson (who is being played by David Hemmings who is in Deep Red which is the GREATEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME and I’m not saying it’s available to watch on You Tube and that you should go and watch it right now because it is better than this episode, but I’m suggesting it, okay?)

Boarding the plane, Jess is less than thrilled to discover she’s sitting next to Gunnar Globle (not kidding), who appears to be playing the role of Michael Bay. When the flight attendant tells JB he’s a big fan and to let him know if there’s anything he can do to make her flight more comfortable (wink wink) Gunnar says “Level with me. Are you anybody?”

Aren't we all, though.

Aren’t we all, though.

Despite Gunnar’s request for more explosions and more aliens, JB is less than keen to take a look at the script. It’s only when Gunnar boasts of his dealmaking prowess, and that he will close this deal even if it takes the whole flight to London to do it that Jess agrees to read it.

I dunno, Offroad Aliens sounds amazing! *Coughs*

While a shady elderly couple refuse to have their bag put in the overhead, a flight attendant gets the booze rolling for Captain Janeway Sonny Greer and Leon the professional gets his hypnosis tape ready for the flight. Unfortunately for him, his Walkman (naww) isn’t working. To cope with this, he goes to the bathroom, smacking into another passenger on the way. Poor Leon is not having a good day.

JB is bored. (I’m not kidding, I kind of am too). The inflight movie is boring and the bathroom has been taken over by a bloke shaving. Fortunately, the movie ends, they hit a patch of turbulence, snakes drop out of the overhead compartments and Leon flops over dead in his seat.

c2

Image not altered.

Flight attendants come to move the body and the hordes of snakes out of sight (because lord knows you can’t have a corpse in first class). Sonny remembers her necklace but a search of the body and his bag reveals nada. The diamond necklace has been stolen. Presumably taken hostage by the snakes.

Errol outs himself as a Scotland Yard detective and decides to search the belongings of the first class passengers, which doesn’t please Gunnar or the shady old couple. Jess offers her assistance, and Errol gratefully accepts, saying he’s a bit up in the air at the moment.

UGH.

UGH.

JB volunteers to be the first one searched. A passenger sitting down the front volunteers his thoughts on how the diamond might be disposed of on the European black market. He introduces himself as John Sukahara, a gem dealer and offers himself up to be the next one searched.

This escalated quite quickly.

This escalated quite quickly.

Errol steps in, so JB instead goes to take a peek at the body. The blueish tinge under the fingernails tells her Leon was poisoned. BY SNAKES, OBVIOUSLY. She asks for the ticketing records and seating chart for the first class cabin and works out that since Sonny only booked her flight to London that day, anyone who booked after her might be the ones who stole the necklace. That rules out everyone except Sukahara, so they decided to search the cabin crew’s luggage just for the hell of it. This turns out to be a wise move, as the necklace turns up in the bag belonging to one of the stewardesses, Kay Davis.

UGH I’M SO BORED WHERE IS SAMUEL L JACKSON?

Mr Sukahara pops up again to take a look at the necklace and informs them it’s a fake. Back to the drawing board, Errol searches the belongings of the shady old couple and finds their poodle they’re smuggling into England for a holiday. Man, they could have been at least smuggling meth or something. Errol has a brainwave and checks the flight manifests for all airlines flying from Boston to London on that day – and turns up the same passenger booked on every flight, including theirs, Otto Hardwick. Another search of his possessions reveals a can of shaving cream, and if we’ve learned nothing from Jurassic Park (apart from confirmation that they do move in herds) it’s that shaving cream is an excellent way to smuggle things. Errol unscrews the bottom of the can and finds more snakes the necklace.

“Close shave, eh Hardwick?” Says Errol.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Errol ties Hardwick up with some wool pinched from Shady Old Lady’s knitting bag (because ain’t no one escaping from woollen handcuffs) and Hardwick confesses to the theft, and to murdering Leon.

SNAKES.

SNAKES.

Job concluded, the plane lands and Errol takes Hardwick off the plane to escort him to Scotland Yard but is stopped by airport security. Apparently the customs chief needs a word with him.

And by chief, I mean boss. And by boss, I mean JB. Because apparently, Hardwick wasn’t working alone. JB worked it out when he confessed to murdering Leon, a murder he absolutely didn’t commit because he didn’t need to. He had the necklace. But, he admitted to the theft, and that told JB that Errol was his partner in crime. Does that even make sense to anyone?

More to the point, who killed Leon?

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

He was leaving her so she killed him. Whatever. Fletcherfans, that episode suuuuuuuuuucked. Lets hope next week is better. In the meantime, here’s a video of Oprah Winfrey unleashing a swarm of killer bees on a joyous audience.

 

Fingers crossed next week is better

Fingers crossed next week is better

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