A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…

Serial retiree Lieutenant Barney Kale (who looks so much like Andy Dalziel from Dalziel and Pascoe that it’s worrying me a bit) has been awarded a trip around the world in one final effort to make him leave. In his acceptance speech, he tells the room (and therefore the world) that he will happily accept – just as soon as he proves that his friend Lowell Dixon didn’t drown ten years ago, but was murdered.

After making a couple of calls to certain potentially interested parties, Barney says goodbye to his wife and heads to Juniper Creek, the site of the supposed murder. He’s not the only one either. There’s also this couple:

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, BY ME, I DUB THEE NOT SCOTT BAIO.

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, BY ME, I DUB THEE NOT SCOTT BAIO.

Another guest is Doctor Mayhew, who cancels a trip to Japan and a day shooting clay things with a big gun to go and attend to this little problem. Then there is Cynthia (who is being played by Hayley Mills, who was in the original Parent Trap, which opens the door to a whole lot of Lindsay Lohan jokes if you are so inclined but frankly the whole thing is depressing so let’s not okay?)  She shows Jake, the owner of the hotel, the article about Barney’s last gasp effort at closing the old case. Jake asks Cynthia if she knows what Seth is doing about it. “Seth Hazzlitt?” says Cynthia. “I think he dropped off the end of the world.”

Meanwhile, at the end of the world, Jess goes to collect Seth for the Founders Day Planning Committee Meeting and finds him down in the dumps. After some gentle interrogation he comes clean and shows JB the article. He tells her the story of how he was broke when his wife died and ended up roped into an investment project at Juniper Lake – Jake Sandford (as previously mentioned), Terry Mayhew, Cynthia and Seth. Lowell Dixon went up to expose the scheme as a fraud and ended up face down in the lake.

Jess tells Seth it’s obvious why Barney Kale sent him the article, and pleads with him to stay out of it. Seth agrees, and they head off to the planning committee meeting. JB tells Seth to keep that smile on his face where it belongs and Seth says “On my honour, unless we run into Amos in which case all bets are off.”

OH THE LOLZ.

Meanwhile, the Kaleatron arrives at Juniper Lake and orders Jake to move Joanie Maggie and Not Scott Baio out of his preferred cabin.  Later that night JB gets a call from Amos who can’t find Seth. JB has a bad feeling about this and orders Amos to drive her up to the lake to see if they can find him. Instead they find Maggie screaming and running out of the Kaleatron’s cabin. JB and Amos investigate and discover it’s not Lieutenant Kale lying dead on the floor.

ERMAHGHERD

ERMAHGHERD

The next morning, there’s still no sign of Seth or the Kaleatron. Despite being out of his jurisdiction Amos has a theory about the murder and shares it with JB – it’s clear to him that the number one suspect is Joanie Maggie – who else would want to kill him

JB makes her view of this theory quite clear:

WORD

WORD

Amos decides to go and help the search party look for the Kaleatron. They hear shots down by the lake and go to investigate – turns out it’s the Kaleatron: he’s fallen and he can’t get up.

Job done, Amos heads back to Cabot Cove but JB decides to stay to look after Maggie. Amos promises to call if Seth turns up, and to see what he can find out about the people staying at the hotel. Just in case. JB goes to check on Maggie who is with the Kaleatron – she tells them that Not Scott Baio had just gotten out of prison. Jess asks her if that was why he was in the Kaleatron’s room, to steal his camera equipment, but she says no, he was looking for his sneakers that he’d left behind when they changed cabins.

Jess decides that it appears to be a case of mistaken identity, and that someone was aiming for the Kaleatron. As they talk, Sheriff McCoy (being played by the love-child of Daniel Day Lewis and Pete Postlethwaite) arrives with a prisoner. It’s Seth! In handcuffs! Insert inappropriate joke here!

Inside, Seth tells JB what happened – he couldn’t stay away so he drove up, missed the turn, went 20 miles in the wrong direction and crashed his car into a ditch. After wandering around in the woods all night Sheriff McCoy found him, picked him up and put him in handcuffs in case he was the killer of Not Scott Baio.

Sheriff McCoy, while seemingly accepting that Seth didn’t kill anyone, decides to keep everyone in the hotel dining room until he can think of a better plan. It’s obvious to him that whomever killed Not Scott Baio also killed Lowell Dixon ten years ago, and he quite likes the idea of one-upping the Kaleatron. McCoy’s minions locate the murder weapon – Terry Mayhew’s shotgun, According to the Kaleatron there’s no way to prove who fired it, so actually the discovery is kind of pointless.

JB has another chat with Maggie and asks her if Not Scott Baio was intending to go fishing, where was his gear? Maggie says she doesn’t know, that she just went along with him and was going to break up with him anyway but she never got the chance. A sneaky phone call from Amos fills JB in on the backgrounds of Terry Mayhew and Cynthia Tait but JB has a new theory and asks him to find out all that he can about Not Scott Baio. Her new theory is that Not Scott Baio was up to shenanigans, but said shenanigans are unknown. The Kaleatron suggests searching the room but McCoy squashes that, saying that they will wait for the technicians. (CSI Cabot Cove, presumably). JB flips her lid and says that if he doesn’t let them in she’ll call the governor, “Well, since you asked so nicely…” says McCoy.

How dare he challenge the Queen of the Universe?

How dare he challenge the Queen of the Universe?

The Sheriff, Seth, Jess, the Kaleatron and the Kaleatron’s whiskey all troop over to the cabin to investigate. One short nifty science demonstration later JB proves that the intended victim was not the Kaleatron, but Not Scot Baio. The Kaleatron collapses. Seth quickly deduces arsenic in the whiskey as the likely suspect. Another search of the room turns up a mysterious unlisted phone number that turns out to belong to Cynthia Tait. Cynthia swears she has no idea how Not Scott Baio got her number. JB tells her Jake said she wasn’t in her cabin last night and she tells them that she went to see Terry Mayhew. And by see Terry Mayhew you know what I mean.

JB and McCoy wonder how Not Scot Baio was connected to Lowell Dixon’s death ten years earlier. McCoy confirms he wasn’t local, and JB concludes it must a friend of a friend type deal. They talk to Jake who remembers Joe Cabrini who worked at the resort until he was sacked for pinching whiskey then ended up imprisoned, A call to Amos confirms that Cabrini was Not Scot Baio’s cell mate until he was shived in the laundry room a couple of months ago.

It’s all coming together now kids. Cabrini had clearly told his cellmate something about the murder of Lowell Dixon and Not Scott Baio decided to capitalise on this new information by blackmail, until his target turned the tables and shot him. The question is, who was he blackmailing?

File this one under Things I DIdn’t See Coming.

...

Seriously though, did you guess this?

Turns out Lowell Dixon found out the Kaleatron had been doing special favours in exchange for special favours, and so he killed him. And Not Scott Baio.

And that is the end of that.

Later gang!

Later gang!

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