Internet, do you ever have those days when all you want to do is finish writing something but you are CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED?
Our Heroine is having one of those days although to be fair it starts off unavoidably when she attends the funeral of her friend Henry Vernon, who passed away while on holiday in Farnsdale with his wife Connie. It’s all terribly sad and morbid (and boring, thanks to the reverend conducting the ceremony) until Henry’s mistress Phyllis storms into the service, throwing sass about and accusing Connie of murdering her husband for the insurance money. More than that, when Amos steps up to try and restore order Phyllis shoves him out of the way and accidentally tips the coffin over, depositing the corpse on the floor. The corpse, as it turns out, isn’t Henry Vernon.
Back at the Vernon residence, Connie tells Our Heroine her husband died in the night after not feeling well on their weekend away. Amos boldly asks Connie about Phyllis and she says she knew about her husband’s affair, but that he’d broken it off. She also admits that her husband had his life insurance policy changed to make her the beneficiary when he decided to wind down the partnership with his business partner Ned.
In the car, Amos comments that if Phyllis hadn’t hulked out at the funeral, Connie might be collecting a $200,000 insurance policy about now. And come to think of it, who the hell was the body in the coffin? Amos tells Our Heroine that he has called the Farnsdale funeral parlour and they aren’t missing any bodies. Maybe this mysterious John Doe was murdered?
Amos spots that look and says “As much as I appreciate all the help you’ve given me now and again, everyone in town says you solve all my cases for me!…”
“…so if you don’t mind, I’m going to crack this one alone.”
All lols aside though, JB has a book to write and gets down to work. Just as she types “suddenly there was a knock at the door”
a horde of marauding penguins break into her house there is a knock at the door. It’s Phyllis, looking for wisdom, advice and to beg that JB looks into the Case of the Missing Stiff. JB assures her that Amos is all over it. Phyllis doesn’t appear convinced, but is certain that Connie killed her husband.
Meanwhile, Henry’s business partner Ned has his own problems to deal with. His daughter Christy is seeing a no-good hippie berry farmer named Stu, and to make matters worse two investors from his most recent project, a medical centre, have just informed him that they want out.
But never mind all that, because JB is back in front of her typewriter. At least, until the phone rings.
Amos has just confirmed that noone in Farnsdale knows anything about a missing dead body, and that he’s going to see Doc Hazzlitt to see if he’s worked out how the mystery man died. He’d offer to bring JB along but he’s pretty sure he has this case all figured out. Unfortunately for Amos, Seth tells him that the John Doe did in fact die of a heart attack.
He goes round to inform Connie (and JB, who has apparently given up on writing today) of the news, and JB subtly suggests that the whole thing could be resolved by someone (*cough*Amos*cough*) going up to Farnsdale to suss out whether they really have lost a dead body. Connie invites them back for dinner, saying she needs the company.
Meanwhile, in someone’s back shed, the reanimated corpse of George Vernon is watching
Keeping Up With The Kardashians the late news.
It turns out he’s not actually a member of the walking dead, but never died in the first place. A LIKELY STORY. Zombie George gets a phone call, and tells the mysterious person on the line that it’s all out of hand, and that they need to talk.
Speaking of which, back at the House of Fletcher the phone is ringing again.
It is in fact not Khan on the phone, but Ned
Flanders Olson, Zombie George’s business associate, checking to see if JB would like to increase her investment in the medical centre. His great plan to lure her in by telling her Amos has invested his life savings in the scheme backfires and JB politely tells him to bugger off.
Later than night JB takes a break from being interrupted and goes to dinner at Connie’s house. Connie talks Amos into staying on for a bit to watch a John Wayne movie but JB is a woman on a mission and decides to walk home, not before spotting the van belonging to Christie’s boyfriend Stu veering all over the road. Amos manages to sleep through most of it, but wakes up at the end. Connie asks him if he’d stop by every now and again just for company.
The next morning JB is prepared for the next person who interrupts her writing:
That person is Amos, who is heading up to Farnsdale to see where this mysterious dead body has come from. JB shoos him away as the phone starts ringing again. This time it’s for Amos – he’s needed at Phyllis’s house. She’s just found the recently re-deceased body of Henry Vernon.
Not even JB can stay home for this. Phyllis tells them she’d been at work all night, came home and found the corpse, covered in purple stains and dirt. JB asks Seth how long he thinks Henry’s been dead, and he estimates around twelve hours. He’d been killed by a blunt instrument such as a lead pipe
in the library by Colonel Mustard. “Or a poker?” JB asks, pokingly. Amos catches on and retrieves a poker from Phyllis’s fireplace.
So if Henry Vernon died twelve hours ago and not three days ago in Farnsdale, then Connie Vernon has some explaining to do! And explain she does – after they picked up a hitch-hiker who conveniently had a heart attack in the backseat, her husband hatched the plot to get the insurance money and nick off to San Francisco.
Before this news has time to sink in, Amos gets a call from Ned. He has some bad news – all of the money for the medical centre investment has gone. An angry mob quickly convenes at the church and starts baying for money, blood and more beer (probably not true). Amos pleads with Our Heroine for help but JB is a Woman With A Deadline. As she explains this to Amos, the doors slam and
Disco Stu The Berry Man comes storming in to announce that his truck has been stolen.
JB suspects his van of being the Method of Transportation for getting Zombie George’s body to Phyllis’s house. They go back to look for more clues and Phyllis admits she wasn’t at work for the whole time. She got a message at work to say that Henry wanted to meet her up by the lake, but when she went there, he never showed.
Amos and JB go to Seth’s office to take another look at the body of John Doe, only to discover that his body has gone missing overnight. This nearly sends poor Amos over the edge, but he gets some good news when one of his deputies pops in to tell him they’ve found Stu’s van, over by Ned’s house. Sadly it’s burnt out – and they find a burned suitcase and a charred wad of hundred dollar bills inside. There goes the retirement fund!
While Amos freaks out about his money and Stu freaks out about his van, JB spots a freshly dug hole. Amos correctly identifies it as not being a gopher hole, and some digging reveals the body of John Doe. JB then notices Ben’s Cabin in the Woods (!!!) and suspects it might be where Zombie George has been hiding out.
Naturally, she assumes correctly. Back at the Sheriffs Office with Amos and Connie, and JB has a theory. She thinks Zombie George stole Stu’s van and the body of John Doe to cover up the evidence of his insurance scam, then whomever killed Zombie George stole Stu’s van and dumped the body at Phyllis’s house to frame her. They’ll be able to prove it, JB thinks, if they find the watch face missing from Zombie George’s watch.
Except the watch face wasn’t missing from Zombie George’s watch. But of course, the killer didn’t know that for sure.
And by killer, I think you know who I mean…
There you have it Fletcherfans! The crazy lady was right, all along! There’s nothing left for me to say, but…