I can’t believe there’s only two more episodes left in season one. My how crime flies! (See what I did there?)

After putting Amos back in his place last week, JB is on the road again, this time to Texas, to testify on behalf of a fellow writer accused of plagiarism. Which is ironic, because 75% of the characters in this episode feel like they’re plagiarising every Texan stereotype ever invented.

Take for instance, this guy.

On his way to audition for Dallas. (Probably not true)

Milton Porter is the defence attorney in charge of the case, and meets JB at the airport. Before JB can get too overawed by Milton’s hat she is knocked to the ground by a herd of wilderbeast kid.

Anybody else think that’s a man?

Despite her less than elegant trip to the ground Our Heroine maintains her composure, even as Milton shuffles her off to the Samuel Garver Institute while salivating with glee over the lawsuit he’s going to file over the airport. What a top bloke.

At the institute JB is tended to by George Clooney Doctor Garver, who informs her that she’s fractured her leg and then leaves her to get plastered (heh heh heh) by his minion, Dr Ellison. He tells her to let him know if there’s any pain or swelling, and JB agrees, saying “Oh, I’m no hero.” SUCH MODESTY.

Now, meet my new favourite character (apart from JB obviously).

“Isn’t it great how they treat us here? Cigarettes, bourbon, sex…gone!”

Sadie Winthrop is who I want to be like when I get old. Actually screw that, I want to be like her now.

JB gets wheeled back to bed but not before running into Dr Garver’s other minion, Dr House Kenyon. Ugh, are you as bored as I am right now? Somebody better should code blue, or turn into a zombie or something. Anyway, Dr Ellison and Dr Kenyon hate each other, as encouraged by Dr Garver. You know, that old chestnut.

Meanwhile, Our Heroine takes care of business.

So far this has been the highlight of the episode.

Also taking care of business is Dr Sam, who is having a shindig at his house, where all his douchey friends come and hang and be douchey. It’s here we find two of the most completely redundant characters in the history of television having a fight about I don’t even care.  Here’s a screencap so you can share my pain:

For the record, his name is Billy Don, and if you want to imagine her voice, think Mimi from the Drew Carey show on helium and from Texas.

Remember that time Leslie Nielsen was on a boat? And that time Jerry Orbach was a private dick? Those were the good ol days…

Dr Garver excuses himself from Dumb and Dumber and answers the phone. It’s JB’s nurse, asking to run some tests on another patient, Barney Ogden. He flips his lid, and orders her to never contact him again. Seriously, am I victim in this episode? I’ve never been so bored.

Back at the hospital JB is on the hunt for big game a cup of tea, when she hears Elison and Kenyon having a brawl. Since she still doesn’t have a murder to solve, (HINT BLOODY HINT), JB settles in with her cup of tea to listen to the fight.

Haven’t seen this much excitement since that time JB scratched the inside of her cast with a comb

Back at Garver’s place there’s an alarm going off. FINALLY. The security guard goes to take a look and spots the nurse driving in the opposite direction. At the house he finds Dr Garver swimming with the fishes (in his koi pond). IT’S ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

The next morning JB and Sadie are tucking into some apple flapjacks. Sadie asks for coffee but is told that Dr Garver told Dr Kenyon that she was only getting carrot juice from here on in.

No wonder he ended up dead…just saying…

Word gets through that the Doctor has ceased to be, and Marge the head nurse goes running in tears, which is kind of how I feel about this episode to be honest.

JB goes back to her room where she finds a stripper policeman. The first time I watched this episode I swore it was the spitting image of Dave Hughes but I realise now that this was because it was 1am and I had just consumed half a block of Haighs Caramel Fudge.

Most definitely not Dave Hughes.

Lieutenant Hughes Jenkins needs help. He’s just been transferred from the bad side of the tracks and has no idea how to deal with these rich lunatics. Can JB give him a hand?

I think it’s the accent…

Any hopes that the arrival of the lieutenant would make this episode a little less boring are soon dashed when they go to the late Doc’s house and spend a stupid amount of time talking about alarms and the fact that the doc’s keys were outside. Not even the arrival of Batman himself is going to make this episode okay.

It’s not long before Ray has a suspect in mind – JB’s nurse Jennie. JB calls shenanigans on this and enlists Captain Litigation to get her out of the police station. Ray reveals that he’s found an answering machine tape in which he tells the Head Nurse to get rid of Jennie. JB says BIG FREAKING DEAL, DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

I”m paraphrasing a bit. This episode is giving me nothing.

JB decides to do a little reenacting CSI style, and gets Ray to fire blanks (heh heh heh). She concludes that there were two shots fired that night, one to kill the Doctor and one to mask the time of death. Ray concedes this point but arrests Jennie anyway after a Helpful Tip leads him to discover the murder weapon in her locker.
Our heroine immediately goes to visit Captain Lawsuit to get him to take on her case.

Milton being a little bit less handsy than usual.

Of course, when Dr Kenyon turns up and offers to pay for it he’s positively delighted at the thought.

JB goes back to the hospital to see her buds Sadie and Barney – those crazy kids – and while she watches them argue over gin she has a startling thought. 2+2 doesn’t equal 5!

Sigh. I’m not going to drag this out any longer.

Are you as underwhelmed as I am?

The doctors got sick of Garver trying to make them fight to the death (which frankly would have improved this episode no end), so they took action.

So there you have it. And if you’ve made it this far in the episode, I congratulate you. I’ve watched it twice now, and I maintain JB scratching her leg with a comb was the best bit of it. Let’s hope next week Amos is back with his comedy ‘policeman’ routine.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

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