Our heroine still hasn’t made it back to the Cove, and I for one am having serious Amos withdrawals. How on Earth is the town coping in JB’s absence?

To be fair, JB isn’t doing too badly outside the Cove, even though she’s at the funeral of her great-uncle Cyrus

Catching the bus from Happy Vale Retirement Home to the Home of Eternal Rest = HILARIOUS METAPHOR

At which funeral she is accosted by her great-uncle’s attorney, Bosley Brad Lockwood.

Fact: for a long time I thought Bosley and Amos Tupper were the same person. In my defence, I was probably drunk. (I don’t know who I thought Howard Cunningham was)

It turns out the old boy has left JB some shares in a Mystery Company, and is eager to get her signature on some documents. Our Heroine is no slouch though, and refuses to sign. Why the hell would she? She’s just inherited shares in a football team!

A football team? You know, that’s very exciting Mr Lockwood. (pause). I think I’ll just take a look… – JESSICA FLETCHER

Sidenote: here’s what I know about American Football – nothing. And when I don’t know/understand/care about a sport I happen to be watching (which is usually rugby) I apply Australian Rules football rules to it in order to make sense of it/fake an interest. So, if in reading the rest of this post you think I may have missed some of the finer points of American Football, that will be the reason.


Jessica hurries to the stadium to checkout her latest arses assets, but is rudely interrupted by a giant helmet on wheels (not code):

If I had a dollar for every time I was nearly run down by a giant helmet on wheels…

The helmet-mobile is being driven by an 8-year-old deaf girl and someone who turns out to be the Kardashian step-father in real life, thereby answering something I’ve always wondered about – what exactly does a Kardashian do?

Kardashian-man apologises for nearly running Our Heroine over (and for inflicting his stepdaughters on us all (lol j/k no he didn’t) and they cruise off into the sunset in their Helmet-Car-of-Wonder. Meanwhile, JB interrupts an incredibly helpful scene where the owner of the team, Phil Kruger reminds himself who else works there by yelling at them loudly and including their job titles – Lockwood-the-lawyer, Patillo-the-coach, Dillon-the-equipment-manager/token-black-guy and Mason-the-defensive-captain/Ron-Swanson-lookalike.

Kruger is less than thrilled to see someone with a vagina walking into his office, but takes it all back when he discovers that Our Heroine holds the balance of power in the ownership stakes. Phil immediately throws everyone out and takes JB on a tour of the facilities, mostly so he can offer to buy her out. JB is flattered, but not interested. Undeterred, Kruger offers to pick JB up later that night and take her to the player party being thrown by local man-about-town Web McCord (not kidding. WEB MCCORD!)

Back at the hotel JB is accosted by Coach Patillo, who offers to buy her out. JB is delighted at having so many men throwing money at her, but she declines. Later, when Kruger picks her up he throws some more money at her, but JB holds out. She’s got no interest in business discussions, or keeping track of who’s going where right now – she’s at a party dammit!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single party in possession of a large amount of alcohol must be in want of Brendan Fevola.

Alas, Kruger is not having such a good time, what with being dead in the bathtub at the stadium. The local constabulary arrive to do their thang, and an early favourite for Most Likely Suspect is established – they think the Kardashian did it. (Impossible, as Kardashians don’t do anything).

JB is at the scene, flexing her owner muscle (although sadly not literally, because that would be amazing). The detective quickly changes his tune when he realises she’s the owner and agrees to everything that she says, but he’s still convinced that Zack Kardashian Dude, even more so after they find his watch in the bathtub. They pick him up, but he protests his innocence. He had his reasons for killing Kruger, but he’d rather keep them to himself, and more to the point he claims someone broke into his locker and stole his watch.  Meanwhile, Bosley is on the phone to Charlie Kruger’s almost-ex wife, telling her to get back into town and claim her money.

JB heads to training, and promptly starts a melee on the field with her presence, in which her probable new boyfriend the defensive captain is knocked out. Oops. Undeterred, she steps over him to find out from the coach what Zach’s no-cut contract meant. (Turns out it means that even though he’s injured, he still gets paid. Sweet deal huh?) Still on the trail, JB goes to see Dillion the equipment dude who is hanging out in the locker rooms. Soon after the team arrives, including JB’s new probable boyfriend, who is without pants and a little embarassed.

It takes a little while for JB to notice the unexpected penis, but she gets there.

Turns out he was pleased to see her.

JB quickly departs the locker room for the shooting gallery (can someone say METAPHOR?) where she finds the football commissioner, the investigating lieutenant and Web McCord shooting clay pigeons. They are all convinced of Zach Kardashian’s guilt, but JB isn’t giving up just yet. She goes back to the arena to hunt for clues – sneaking past the worlds worst security guard to do so – and breaks into a locker to prove a point. It all goes a bit wrong when she is locked in the sauna by a Mysterious Gloved Hand, but Mr Dillion the equipment dude comes to her rescue. Rather than be scared off, JB is delighted! She’s on the right track!

To celebrate, she heads to the track to catch up with her probable new boyfriend and Ron Swanson lookalike, and engages in a bit of light stretching, if you know what I mean.

*insert inappropriate joke here*

Still without a suspect, she goes to visit Zach Kardashian again, wearing her Serious Neckerchief.

Life Lesson #30 – To show you mean business, wear a neckerchief.

It turns out that their daughter, the deaf girl, is adopted and that someone suspiciously Kruger-sounding was making threatening anonymous phone calls, suggesting that the adoption wasn’t strictly legal and that he would report them to the authorities.

JB takes time out to call Amos and make sure she hasn’t left the back door open (not kidding), and is about to jump in the bath when she is rudely interrupted by the commissioner, who wants to suss out Jess’s chances of selling her stock to Web McCord. Jess politely throws him out, but not before she learns of the existence of Mrs Kruger, who Bosley was on the phone to earlier.

A hot bath and a good night’s sleep later, JB goes to pay Mrs Kruger a visit, not bothering to worry about things like permission. Life Lesson #31 – Open door = open invitation. Upstairs she discovers that the bathroom carpet is soaking wet (but doesn’t appear to be concerned that the bathroom is carpeted. These wacky rich men and their wackiness). While she mulls this over, a shadow ninja threatens to shoot her…


…but it turns out to be the devastated widow of Kruger, and by devastated I mean dollar signs for eyeballs. She very helpfully calls the police, and  the lieutenant pops in to give his two cents worth. It is agreed that Kruger was probably killed here, but who could have done it? Every single person in the world had a motive, so how could they prove it?

Stumped, Jess is hanging out in the locker-room before the big game (LIKE A BOSS), when she notices a cork board filled with photos from the party. She notices that a certain somebody has changed jackets halfway through the night – because the first one got soaking wet in a bathtub, perhaps?

Damn straight. One disguised phone call later and JB catches the killer with his hand down the drain.

I told you Kardashian’s don’t do anything.

The man with the terrible name had hatched a plot to gain total control of the football team, and get Zach Kardashian off the team in the process. And he would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that meddling JB.
To celebrate, JB does a lap of the field in the helmet car – something I have now added to my list of things to do – and says goodbye in the traditional Cabot Cove manner.

Peace out dawg.

Until next time, dear reader.